Difficulty adjusting to Life Alone.

[Lost in Grief]

I lost my husband to cancer nine months ago and haven't been the same since. I have never lived alone and I'm finding it so difficult to adjust to my new situation. Association with family or friends is a distraction but when alone it can become unbearable. I use to enjoy designing and hobbies but find no joy in that any more. Do any of you suffer from living alone? Have you found your way around it and how?

[KATPILOT]

Lost in Grief, welcome. I lost my wife to cancer too though almost six years ago. It's hard right now and I'm sorry it has to be that way.   It seems like you are understanding the distraction thing and being alone when you never have before, can be so very difficult. I have lived alone for these last years with out my bride and I can only say it has become easier and easier but slowly. You will find many souls here who get what you are feeling. Only with time will you get to a better place and with that time you will find tools to help you and I think comfort in what others write.  It helped me in more ways than I can describe.

You are definitely not alone.

[rdownes]

Hello I truly feel for you and your loss I lost my husband almost five months ago and life has definitely changed while I don't live alone, I can understand you see even when surrounded by people I still feel alone he was my other half, my life my soul I feel so lost without him, he always had hopes and dreams even is not achievable do to finances, all I do is pray to make it through another day without him,  I can say I was doing better but have fallen in a rut I can not seem to get out of but I keep on getting up and trying I truly am sorry for what brought you here but am glad you found us.

[Gin]

Hi Lost in Grief,

I lost my husband just one year ago.  I live alone and absolutely hate it.  I keep busy with grief groups, book clubs, health club, etc.. You still have to come home to an empty house without the only person you want and need.  I am told it should get easier.  Not good, but less painful.  I am sorry you have to join us, but glad you found us.  We are here for you, so post as often as you wish.

Gin

[Brad]

Lost in Grief - I am a loner by nature; I've always been comfortable being by myself, until nearly 15 months ago. Now I struggle.  There are so many things I want to share but now she is not there.  I am just now starting to get to a point where I can focus for short periods of time.  I used to love movies: we used to love movies.  Now I can't watch anything I haven't seen before as I lose the story.  Reading has always been a passion but I struggle to follow the plot.  That's why books on grief are so good for me; I can highlight phrases that strike a chord and I can read and reread them as often  as I need.  I'm still at home in the woods but not in my house.  Welcome to our group.  May you find the comfort and wisdom I have found.  I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[WolfsKat]

Hello, Lost

I so understand what you are feeling.......I lost my beloved Connor 11 months ago, and I am very much a "work in progress".  I guess, luckily for me, I've always been a bit solitary by nature....but, after having him in my life, becoming such a wonderful, integral part of it.......the joyousness of having someone who enriched my life and made every day one in which I knew happiness..........I'm suddenly NOT happy with my solitude.  I want no other, I want HIM.......so I see no end to this feeling of loss.  But, I do strive towards making what is left of my time here meaningful.....and hopefully, eventually....perhaps a life where I can accept his leaving, be grateful for what we DID have together, and find reasons to live and be happy again.  I so wish this for you, as well.......I hope you will come back and post when you would wish to....this is a good place to find understanding, and a bit of healing, in a world that has been upended for us!

[kayc]

Lost in Grief,

I am sorry for your loss, I know it's the hardest thing in the world to go through.

Yes, I have been living alone for the most part of eleven years now.  My son used to use this as a place to hang his hat when he was on leave from the Air Force or on break from college, but all that ended when he met his wife five years ago so I don't even have that to look forward to.  They're 2 1/2 hours away and if they come here once a year I'm lucky.

It got harder for me when I retired because when I was commuting and working full-time, I didn't have too much time to think about it, but once I retired, this house seemed pretty quiet. It helped me to have a routine, I volunteer as treasurer at my church on Mondays, and at the senior site on Tuesdays and Thursdays, plus am in the community choir Thurs. evenings, and on the praise team at my church on Sundays.  That leaves me with Wed., Fri. and Sat....once a month I drive my sister to town (60+ miles away) and every other Friday I go to same town to get groceries.  The days home I keep busy with housework, laundry, getting wood in, etc.  My dog and cat have saved my sanity.  It helps to have a couple of phone buddies, I try to touch base with someone every day.  It's not good to be too secluded!  I always valued my solitude and my hobbies before, but as you said, it's hard to hold interest in that anymore.  Grief and depression can feel pretty similar even though their basis is different.  

When I lost my George I lost my focus, and have only gotten my ability to read a book through about a year or two ago.

This place has been a lifesaver, knowing I'm not alone, that others are going through the same things, that someone out there understands.

I hope you will continue to come here, it helps to have a place where you know you can express yourself and feel heard and understood.

[KATPILOT]

I have seldom lived alone since college I guess that would not amount to more three months in the last 45 years. It was only the fourteen years with Kathy however that I knew I did not want to be alone. Then I was.............. No wife, and no dog. I miss them truly but I came to realize that I simply had no choice. I do not want and will not marry again.   I think after almost six years I know who I am. Still it was hard adjusting. Small as my house is, it seemed so cavernous. I never have to move to one side of the hall when passing again. The bed is a place I get lost in. I rotate the direction of my sheets now so they will last longer. I replaced the bed five years ago since it was already old and we just hadn't gotten around to it. Now I look at the bed and there has grown a depression where I sleep showing so distinctly that just one person sleeps there. When I made the bed today I noticed that for the first time. Just another reminder.

But it's not all sad. I adapted and still am I suppose. I enjoy waking in the middle of the night and watching TV for a bit then going back to bed. I turn on the lights never disturbing someone, run water, laugh at something funny, cry at something sad, leave the bathroom door open, and sometimes not wear much to go start the coffee. Would I give up all these luxuries to have her back?  So it just goes back to what choice have we?  The weekends are my time for the vulnerability to be exposed. I fight very hard sometimes to keep the demons away.  If I retired I would get too much rest and the demons would have a greater chance to overtake me. Then my little house would resemble the hotel from "The Shinning".

I'm mostly just joking here but it all comes down to learning to live alone or living with a roommate or relative or finding a new love. I'm learning to live alone and it does get easier.

Kay I just read your post in the middle of writing mine and you are as I will be. yes that retiring part bothers me. I know in some ways my son would love it if I left him alone but maybe I could stick around to just do the bookkeeping., Kathy's old job.

[kayc]

You might be surprise, Steve, I wake up very early (3:30 - 5:30 lately) and get up, I manage to keep busy.  Cooking, dishes, etc. always seems to need done, plus I walk the dog twice a day.  Pets take up a lot of time.  You have enough interests I doubt you will get bored even if retired, but it is important to establish a routine and a mix of time with others as well as being alone.  Finding purpose has been one of the bigger challenges since George died.

[KATPILOT]

Yes Kay finding purpose is one of the biggest challenges.  The art auction gave me purpose like I can't describe and for the first time in years I had some kind of focus. Now I am looking for the next reason that I'm still around. Once you get a taste of living again, you just keep on going. Right now I am looking forward to the holidays which took a long time to feel  again. I am looking forward to baking which is the first thing I started to do after I lost my favorite baker.

[iPraiseHim]

Lost in Grief,  Yes I have had to deal with living alone since my wife passed 20 months ago.  I have learned so much here just by coming here to listen, share and grow.  It is an adjustment, and sometimes loneliness does creep in.  I have a few pictures of my wife in my home and I still talk to her as if she is here.  The I don't hear or expect to actually have a conversation with my wife but it somehow gives me comfort. 

I find that whatever feelings I have I need to acknowledge them either, by, blogging, journal-ling, or sharing here.  I find that the people who understand me best are those people here who are going through the grief we share.  Most people just don't understand our grief.

It just takes time.. one day at a time for me to learn to adjust, adapt, and accept my current station in life.  It helped me to read of other people in the early stages of grief and how they dealt with it.  I realize I am not alone even though I FEEL like. Grief counseling, Marty T resources here, posting in this group, etc... Discover what will help you travel this journey of grief.  - Shalom, George 

[Lost in Grief]

Wow!! Thank you everyone for responding! I just joined and certainly did not expect such a huge response. As I said, I find it so difficult to live alone, however I found that the one thing that I still enjoy is doing yard work and even weeding. So I was outside today all day, it was a sunny day, if I have something to do it is much easier to cope. When it started to get dark I came inside, had something to eat and then came here to check my mail---and wow! Thank you for all the wonderful comments. I will try to answer each and every one of you. What a wonderful thing to come to a place and find everyone understands what I am going through. I don't like to burden anyone with my problems, but here is a place I feel I can talk about how I feel without worrying if I am upsetting someone or even boring someone. Thank you for being so kind and helpful.

[Polly]

I lost my husband 11 months ago. My youngest daughter is 16 so she still lives with me. I hate when she goes and spends the night at a friends house or her adult sisters house. Those nights are really hard for me. I keep thinking that when she becomes an adult and moves out that it is going to be really hard for me. I used to love my alone time. Now I hate it.

[enna]

Lost in Grief,

You will find a caring, safe place here. People are tuned into one another. Those of us who have lost a significant other do and will experience loneliness. What we do is find a new way to live alone. Please do not feel that you must answer each person who responds to your posts. We all understand that there will be times when we need others to help us through tough times. Later, you may be the one who is reaching out. Know that when you are here you are not alone. 

[Lost in Grief]

Thank you, Katpilot for your kind words. I hope I also will find it easier as time goes by. And there are certainly many here who understand and that in itself makes me realize that I am not alone. I am looking forward to getting to know each and everyone of you.

 Thank you, rdownes for being understanding to my situation. Yes, even being around people one can feel so alone, because few people can understand unless they also have lost someone. I pray a lot too, sometimes all day as I go about doing something and trying not to break down.

Hi Gin, and thank you for sharing your ways of keeping busy with groups, clubs etc to fill your time with worthwhile things, and not feel alone. I mainly go to grief or cancer groups once or twice a month, I hope to find some more interesting things to do in time. I know how hard it is to get used to coming home and not having anyone to say hello to. I still talk to my love anyway but it would be much nicer if he would answer.

 Thank you Brad for encouraging me. I also thought that I was okay to be alone, we didn't even have too many friends, my husband and I felt so good just being together we didn't miss having others around. But now I miss him so much. And being alone is always a reminder that he is not here. I use to enjoy projects of various kinds--but I need to be happy and relaxed to think and design and plan, but I cannot concentrate for too long any more, it tires me out. I hope that will return to me some day. I also have read books on grief and yes I do find them comforting. Thank you for welcoming me to this group.

 Thank you WolfsKat for making me feel okay. I am also sorry to hear of your loss. It is true that solitude is good and I too enjoyed that, I never considered myself as a  very social person and liked to do things on my own. But now it is different, there is no one to give me a hug now and then or ask for one. Just knowing he was with me in house was a comfort. I hope things do get better both for you and for myself in time.

 Thank you, kayc, for your thoughts. I see you have found many things to keep you busy and happy. I find my family is my anchor and keep me from going insane. I am so thankful for my two sons, a daughter her husband and now I have a little grand-daughter that brings me so much joy. As long as I am with them I am okay but then the time comes when I am back home alone. Now that I have found this group I will not feel so alone when I am alone--I will have all of you to talk with.

 Thank you, iPraiseHim, for your thoughts and especially how you deal with the loss and finding yourself alone. I talk to my hubby all the time too it helps to keep a connection. When I feel weepy and lonesome it is a comfort to share with him how I feel and how much I love him. Sharing our experiences here is very helpful too. I am trying very hard to accept my situation and try to deal with it mindfully, sometimes I even feel that I am progressing, but then suddenly I feel sad and broken again. It is like a roller coaster ride.

 Thank you all again, for your encouraging and helpful comments and suggestions. My wish is for all of you to find ways and means to deal with your loss and find some comfort and relief at least sometimes.

[Lost in Grief]

Hi Polly, thank you for responding. I am sorry to hear of your loss. But happy that you have your daughter with you, she would be feeling sad to have lost her Dad, so it is good you are there for her. I am like you, I also liked my alone time, but this kind of alone is not the same.

 Hi enna, so nice to read your comforting thoughts. I am having a wonderful time tonight with all of you! So, although I am alone here I don't feel alone with all of your wonderful thoughts, feelings and suggestions. You give me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though it is hard to visualize that now.

 Thank you again, and greetings and hugs to all of you.

[Gwenivere]

Lost,

i cannot add much more to all everyone had shared except having discovered the ultimate loneliness.  It is something that cannot be imagined or understood by any one who hasn't experienced it.  I think that is the hardest thing we face since our lives changed.  People want us to hurry thru grief, get back to being who we were and thuth is, we never will.  We are changed forever by this huge loss.  We look the same, but inside is a void that will never be filled.  Distractions help, but that is all they are for now as we travel a path we never wanted to be on.  Finding meaning again is hard.  I'm still working on it at almost 2 years.  Nights are very hard and missing conversation about day to day things makes life too quiet.  Whatever you feel, some or all of us have.  I hope you find some solace knowing this place of understanding is open 24/7.

[kayc]

I am glad you started this thread, it is something we all deal with.  Whenever something big hits, we esp. feel our aloneness.  This weekend we've had stormy conditions hitting the Pacific Northwest and I felt particularly alone, I hate facing life without George.  I try my best, but there's a certain amount I still deal with.  We could all relate to how you're feeling.  What a difference it made to have him hold me and be able to talk over things!  Plus he was the one that handled the maintenance and repairs, and I hate being the one in charge of everything now.  Funny, he thought I was a rock...I feel he was.

[MartyT]

You'll find some additional suggestions for coping here: Loneliness and Solitude in Grief ~ and see also the list of Related Articles listed at the base.  ♥

[brat#2]

Lost in Grief, so sorry for your loss and that you have to be here, but glad you did find us.  I lost my husband, Dale, 15 months ago and the loneliness is really setting in.  The first year I think I was numb and then dealing with all the legal things you need to do, the time was filled, but now all that is done and my numbness is wearing off, I realize how alone and how much I miss him.  This is a wonderful place, every one understands what you are feeling at all stages of grief and I have found that being on this forum has helped me very much.  Please do keep coming back and express your feelings, you will be surprised at all the caring responses you will get.

 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I am glad you started this thread, it is something we all deal with.  Whenever something big hits, we esp. feel our aloneness.   We could all relate to how you're feeling.  What a difference it made to have him hold me and be able to talk over things!  Plus he was the one that handled the maintenance and repairs, and I hate being the one in charge of everything now.  Funny, he thought I was a rock...I feel he was.

Kay, your words have never rang so true with me since I just went (and am still going through) Hurricane Matthew and the damage.  I feel for you and my heart is with you.

Joyce

 

[Lost in Grief]

Thank you for your help: brat#2, MartyT and Gwenivere. I seem to have missed some of your comments. What is "reputation" comments? I am still learning to find my way around here, please pardon me it I get something wrong. This is all new to me. Seems like there is a way to post photos and "Quotes".  I would appreciate if someone explains those to me.

Today is a bad day for me. Physically I seem to be fine. I did a lot of outside work yesterday, even stuff my husband use to do--clean eves of leaves for an example which require a ladder. But some how I managed. However, I am upset today because I put the "love notes" my husband wrote to me in a more "safer place" and now can not remember where that is. I looked everywhere that I supposed they may be. I want to scan them and save them in my computer and back it up. But I kept putting it off because I would get too emotional about it and thought that it would be best to do it in the coming November since that is when he wrote them before his death in January of this year. I am so afraid my mind might be going even though I have surprised even myself of all the legal stuff and paper work that I had to go through and used apps I didn't know before etc. Maybe my mind is just working overtime and can't handle things when they get to be too many. I have always said to hubby that an accountant is something I never want to be. But that is what I am now whether I like it or not. Maybe it is finally getting to me. All I know I have been bawling my head off today almost none stop. Seems I found you wonderful and understanding people just in the knick of time!  Thank you for being here for me and for us all.

[Lost in Grief]

What does "reporting" your post mean?

[Brad]

Lost in Grief - I am so sorry you are struggling today.  I found that my memory for where I place things is significantly impacted.  Your mind is consumed by grief and you will find that most of us have complaints about memory issues.  I still stumble upon love notes that my dear wife left for me.  She was a very busy love note writer.  Each one reduces me to blubbering.

Posting photos - You can either drag from your desktop to the area below or you can click on choose files to go in search of the photo.  I save mine to the desktop to make them easier to locate.  The photos are limited in size and may need adjusting.

Reputation button is something to click if you particularly like a comment.  It's a pat on the back.

If you wish to quote something someone else has written you can click the quote button at the bottom of their post.  This places the entire post into your post.  Then you can highlight and delete parts you don't want to quote:

1 hour ago, Lost in Grief said:

Seems like there is a way to post photos and "Quotes".  I would appreciate if someone explains those to me.

It is impossible to get anything wrong as you are simply sharing your fears, emotions, tears and successes.

59 minutes ago, Lost in Grief said:

What does "reporting" your post mean?

Reporting is rarely used and then it is used if you find a post extremely offensive.  I've never seen a post that comes remotely close to offensive. 

I'm sorry I can't help you locate those wonderful notes but I'm sure they will turn up when least expected.  Just recently I took the kids to Havasupai in the Grand Canyon.  It is very popular and the Havasupai tribe needs to limit the number of visitors so to get reservations one needs to plan a year in advance.  I received my reservations a year ago.  I put it somewhere safe where I would remember.  When it came time to pack I searched high and low and couldn't find the reservation.  That evening I was fixing dinner and there it was hanging from the fridge.

Hope this helps.

Brad

[Lost in Grief]

Thank you so much Brad! I almost clicked on "report post" and it was my own post, I thought that is something one should do. I am so glad I asked first before doing that. Thank you also for informing me on how to post photos and what "reputation" means, I guess something like "like" on FB.

I am glad you found your reservation ticket after all that time. I've had other "where is it" moments and often found it right in front of me, as if I was blind to it. But this one---all I remember was thinking, "that should be a good place since it is with his other things." Well, it just so happens the whole house has "his other things." I was so sure that I put it as part of his shrine in a special corner with photos and other memorabilia, but I looked there several times. I do hope it will not be too long before I find it--because it is going to be like a dagger in my back otherwise. Thanks again for your encouragement and help Brad.

[iPraiseHim]

5 minutes ago, Lost in Grief said:

 I've had other "where is it" moments and often found it right in front of me, as if I was blind to it. But this one---all I remember was thinking, "that should be a good place since it is with his other things." Well, it just so happens the whole house has "his other things." I was so sure that I put it as part of his shrine in a special corner with photos and other memorabilia, but I looked there several times.

This happens to me more often than I care to mention.  I "misplaced" (couldn't find) one of my clients keys when I make it a point to always put them back in the client key case.  I had moved the key case to get a step ladder out.  Well, for almost a week. I couldn't find it. I searched the trunk, my pockets, pants, floors, dresser, everywhere.  I was so frustrated!!!

I also couldn't find my sunglasses that I always kept in my car.  I always put them in a console.  I took everything out of the console twice and couldn't find them.  It is very aggravating....

Finally, I calmly prayed, and asked God to show me where they are. I turned it over to him and let the concern go.  A couple of days ago I found them both; the key in the trunk and the sunglsses when I turned sharply and dumped the contents of the console. 

I am thankful I found them but wonder if there is not some alter universe playing tricks on me just to watch me twist in the wind.    - Shalom, George