Autumn2 Posted January 30, 2017 Report Share Posted January 30, 2017 Eight weeks yesterday and not doing well. 52 years February 6th. Today sold my husband's car. It was our comfortable travel car with lots of memories but I dont need another car. So our local mechanic was nice enough to field inquiries and take people out if they wanted to drive it...iffy if you are a woman alone. People nice, met at the local bank to sign the title and I fell apart. Could not stop crying. I am sure the people had been told why I was selling the car and they were very nice just making it that much worse. The asst. manager asked me if I would like a place to "compose" myself. She knew about my hubby's death as had been handling various financial things. I so told myself I will not fall apart and I did. And I miss the car. When they wanted to give me a lower offer as it needed to be "detailed" I said no as frankly by then I was looking for a reason not to sell it. So here I am...a mess. Little things like this just so throw me. Go to the grief support group and dont cry and then fall apart like I did. i really need to go and get my husband's license where he worked parttime but afraid I will really, really, really fall apart and then next week I start in a Master Gardeners class...what my hubby had been doing for years. We were going to switch off volunteering and we were going to have a contest on who could grow the best tomatoes...now what do I have?. How am I going to make it thru this class? i mentioned in an earlier post I was having trouble not crying well the last few days that has changed. Maybe I have been numb up til now. i just dont know. Sorry for rambling. Crying as I type. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted January 31, 2017 Report Share Posted January 31, 2017 Autumn, None of what you express is rambling. These are just the sounds of a heart that has been torn apart. I offer my sympathies for the loss of your daughter as well as your husband. I understand all too well what you must be feeling. Anytime we remove anything from our lives that was meaningful and held fond memories, it is just another stab in our already wounded hearts. Between the deaths of my husband and daughter, it was financially necessary for me to sell our "retirement" cabin, a place where we had lived, loved, and laughed for 40 years, and where we had hoped to live full time one day. That day was not to be. Losing that place was another twist of the knife. Losing my daughter was the final thrust. I finally became numb as I sold item after item of his knowing how precious all these things were to him. Becoming numb was the only way to survive the holocaust. I have survived, just have not mastered the art of living again. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 31, 2017 Report Share Posted January 31, 2017 I'm amazed you could do this at all. The saying is wait a year before big decisions and I can see why. I still have Steve's car after a little over 2 years. I know it not being here would just gut me right now. I don't know how we are supposed to know when to do things anymore. The hardest part is having to do so as it so,as Karen said, twists the knife. I wish I knew something to say to ease your pain. There just is no mercy when grief enters our life. It's an insidious monster, cold and cruel. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 31, 2017 Report Share Posted January 31, 2017 Autumn, I had to sell George's car right away too because I needed the money badly and did not need the car. It was hard cleaning it out. A guy at work used to be a used car salesman and he wanted to help so I let him do it, he detailed it, he advertised it, he took people out for test drives. I gave him George's trailer as a thank you...THAT was hard, cleaning out his trailer, it was way too soon. I've always been a practical person but grief is fueled by feelings not practicality, and that was one of the toughest things I've ever done! Looking back, I should have waited, I should have gotten help with it, it was much too soon. Perhaps you could take the class at a later date when you're more able to process what they're teaching? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted February 5, 2017 Report Share Posted February 5, 2017 I had to sell my horse trailer in the first weeks after Gord's death. Our savings were gone and I needed over $6,000 to pay for his cremation. No service, that would have been more. The first people came and they kept looking for faults with the trailer but there were none it was like new. They offered less money and I refused to accept it. They went for coffee, came back, looked again and then said, "we were thinking about offering x but you want z. Will you take $2000 less than z?" I said no that I could not afford to sell it for that cheap. They started the hardball tactics... Finally I said "my husband died of suicide two weeks ago, I have to sell my trailer not because I want to but because I have to to pay final costs. They offered x plus $500 and I said no. I told them I would rather have to pay MasterCard the interest than to sell it for that price. I thought that I was being fair about the price and I was polite and up front as I had given them the price before they came. I was in tears. I choke up thinking about it. I've only ridden my horse twice since Gord died. The one place I can feel joy is on horseback and I had nothing else of sufficient value to sell. Just when I thought it couldn't get get worse the husband says, "we have driven all the way from (150 miles) and offered you $9,000 and you won't even negotiate with us? Gee, how does that make you feel?". The wife then says, "well you have our number and our offer and you can call us when you are ready to sell". I didn't tell them how I felt. Obviously some people are not very bright. A friend came and took the trailer to sell it for me. That was much less emotional for me. The trailer sold for very close to what I wanted. I accepted less from the purchasers because they didn't try to insult me. It sure makes me suspicious of people's motives. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autumn2 Posted February 5, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2017 The people wanted to pay less for my husband's car because it needed to be"detailed". It was not dirty, stained or dented. The tires were new as we had just been on a trip. I feel quite sure the fellow helping me sell it told them why I was selling it and yet...wanted it for less (btw he was a minister). Also the ad on Craig's list said FIRM. So much for even trying to make it easier for someone suffering. As I said, I was to the point of keeping it and just going out and sitting in it. Also, this was the first of six calls received before it was deleted from Craigs List. I would never try to insult someone who cares enough to say firm to start with, let alone the circumstances. I am glad you held your ground. We all have to wwtch ourselves going thru this journey. Lots of people out there who are not so nice. When my mom was alone many years ago I remember a neighbor who tried to cheat her. She was devastated...not so much by the deed but the "good" neighbor he supposedly was. Sure miss my mOm...understand a lot more now. She had it rough as I was only 7... a long time ago. Women back then rarely worked. Fortunately my mom was a registered nurse but still I was the only kid in the neighborhood whose mom worked...but I digress. Sending ultra hugs to those mOms (and dads) who are going thru this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 5, 2017 Report Share Posted February 5, 2017 4 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said: I had to sell my horse trailer in the first weeks after Gord's death. Our savings were gone and I needed over $6,000 to pay for his cremation. No service, that would have been more. The first people came and they kept looking for faults with the trailer but there were none it was like new. They offered less money and I refused to accept it. They went for coffee, came back, looked again and then said, "we were thinking about offering x but you want z. Will you take $2000 less than z?" I said no that I could not afford to sell it for that cheap. They started the hardball tactics... Finally I said "my husband died of suicide two weeks ago, I have to sell my trailer not because I want to but because I have to to pay final costs. They offered x plus $500 and I said no. I told them I would rather have to pay MasterCard the interest than to sell it for that price. I thought that I was being fair about the price and I was polite and up front as I had given them the price before they came. I was in tears. I choke up thinking about it. I've only ridden my horse twice since Gord died. The one place I can feel joy is on horseback and I had nothing else of sufficient value to sell. Just when I thought it couldn't get get worse the husband says, "we have driven all the way from (150 miles) and offered you $9,000 and you won't even negotiate with us? Gee, how does that make you feel?". The wife then says, "well you have our number and our offer and you can call us when you are ready to sell". I didn't tell them how I felt. Obviously some people are not very bright. A friend came and took the trailer to sell it for me. That was much less emotional for me. The trailer sold for very close to what I wanted. I accepted less from the purchasers because they didn't try to insult me. It sure makes me suspicious of people's motives. WOW! They were sure cold hearted. It must have been all about them."People are FOLK" . My heart aches for you. " I've only ridden my horse twice since Gord died. The one place I can feel joy is on horseback" Three weeks ago, I stumbled into a childhood dream that I completely forgot about. Since then just thinking about, studying, learning, and trying to figure out how to follow my dream has infused me with Joy I have not had since my wife died almost two years ago. I have found out it is okay to have JOY after my wife's death. She would want that for me. My humble suggestion to you is that you find someway to get back on horseback. Gord would love to see you up there again. I can see him smile now. It is a strange place to experience both Joy and Grief, Passion and Loss , yet our spouses would love to see us smile again following our Joy. It's something to ponder... - Shalom 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted February 5, 2017 Report Share Posted February 5, 2017 Thanks George. I am looking so forward to flying upon my horses back and hope to hear of you flying in the sky. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 6, 2017 Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 Marita, Wow, I've never heard of $6,000 for a cremation, I think George's was about $700. A friend had to bury her dad and it was supposed to be $900 but they racked up "storage charges" because the doctor needed to sign off and they had to wait over the weekend, it cost her $2,000, I thought that's highway robbery. She didn't have the money, she's a waitress and they had to put a cup out for people to donate to...it seems there's some that care and others that take advantage and try to make money off other peoples' woes. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autumn2 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 My hubby's cremation was $1195. plus $20.00 for certified death certificate. Maybe there were extras such as viewings, etc. my father in law was cremated but he had viewing, services,etc and it was about $6000. Obviously for the viewing etc he had to be enbalmed and made presentable for the viewing. As I recall there was even a charge for rental of the casket for the hour or so of the viewing, etc. death can be a real money making venture. My hubby and I had previously done our research and knew we wanted the bare bones minimum with a celebration of life at our home with family only. As sad as it was, it was good. The kids went thru all our photos and made a drop box presentation. Lots of laugung with the hair styles of 50 years ago. Told our kids their kids would laugh at how they look in fifty years. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted February 6, 2017 Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 We were quite fortunate. In Arizona there is a company called Science Care. Science Care takes bodies and harvests organs and tissues to be used in research. Deedo and I both signed up with them several years ago. When Deedo died they came and transported the body, handled all of the Death Certificate details. Deedo's Celebration of Life was ten days later. On the Thursday before I received notice that her cremains were to be delivered the following day so they were there for her celebration. There were no fees for the cremation nor the Death Certificate processing. Deedo had also worked many years ago for the company that owned the venue we had her celebration at and they waived all charges so the only expense was the catering and that was done by some neighbors who own a restaurant and they only charged us what it cost them. So the expenses for Deedo's celebration were minimal. But then that's the way I believe it should be. I have always thought it criminal how people in the business take advantage of people facing the worst times of their life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autumn2 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 My hubby was an organ donor...but they didnt want him...he died of septic shock so I can understand why. We, too, are in Arizona and while cremations were less expensive in Phoenix...there were transportation charges which came to the same amount we paid in Prescott. I guess as we get older we have dotted our i's, crossed out t's crossed and had our ducks in a row...still he died sooner than he should have based on poor diagnosis and treatment. Maybe he would have died anyway with timelt treatment but he didnt get it. Still hard for men to believe he walked into the hospital seemingly fine except for a backache...thinking he would get some muscle relaxants, etc. died 14 hours later. He had no idea he wouldnt leave there nor did I. Guess that qualifies for sudden, unexpected death. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 6, 2017 Report Share Posted February 6, 2017 It's amazing what is charged...I paid a great deal...thankfully life insurance covered it...and he got the military funeral with honors that he deserved... We even had VA bennies and he was buried at a VA cemetery. I don't mind paying a fair price for a fair service, but they get you...that's for sure. I was so out of it...the kids took care of all arrangements and I am eternally grateful they did and I had the funds to cover it. Marita, I am glad your friend helped you in your time of need.... Peace to all on this painful journey ... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 12 hours ago, kayc said: Marita, Wow, I've never heard of $6,000 for a cremation, I think George's was about $700. A friend had to bury her dad and it was supposed to be $900 but they racked up "storage charges" because the doctor needed to sign off and they had to wait over the weekend, it cost her $2,000, I thought that's highway robbery. She didn't have the money, she's a waitress and they had to put a cup out for people to donate to...it seems there's some that care and others that take advantage and try to make money off other peoples' woes. In VA, I spoke with my Dad and expected the cremation charges to be around $1,000 based on the cremation charges for my Mom and brother several years earlier. SURPRISE! The funeral director said the prices everywhere jumped drastically the past couple of years because they were losing sales on the traditional burial services. I remember they wanted $2,200. They tried to up-sell and raise the charges to about $4,000. They even had to charge $25 for the cardboard box to cremate her. I only had $1,000 saved but was told I could go to the city to get some relief voucher. I spent half a day traveling to several different buildings in search of the elusive voucher. Frustrated I went back and explained to the funeral director that the city stopped the program, cut back on the funding for the indigent.(great word). They accepted my payment and wrote off the rest with their beneficial donation fund. Shock and Awe - Shalom 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autumn2 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 Today I am so hurting. Would have been our 52nd anniversary. I remember right about now we were having our celebration dinner at a nice restaurant and I remember the suit I was wearing. For the life of me I cannot remember the name of the restaurant.It was a very nice one. I looked on line to try to find it and couldnt, but then it has been 52 years. You would think i could remember the name. Today I took a balloon out to our special place, wrote him a note on it and released it. Watched it until it soared to the clouds. This has always been our special place for remembering our daughters birth and death. Now I get to go there five times a year her birthday, her death day, his birthday, his death day and our anniversary. Next week get to go again for her birthday. She would have been 44 years old. Right now I am really, really hurting. Will go to bed soon and take a sleeping pill, will have the candle lit. I dont ever want to forget this day but again I do. How can it be 52 years ago I wish I had cherished those years more.. The good thing is at my age I probably don't have to suffer as long as many of you younger ones will. Yes, I wish I were dead. No, i am not doing anything but taking an Ambien. I need to sleep and I know tonight that is not going to happen without some help. Sorry, I know we are all suffering so much.This is the one place I can pour my heart out. Our kids are great but dont need to upset them anymore than they already are. Hope tomorrow will be a better day. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martha jane Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) I am so sorry that you had such a bad time with your anniversary. I have not experienced an anniversary yet. On our 57th he was put on hospice. And after that he never spoke again. Edited February 7, 2017 by martha jane part of it disappeared and it made no sense. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 Autumn, My heart hurts for you. I am glad you have a special place to honor your husband and daughter. My daughter had just turned 50 when she passed away. I cannot visit her grave as it is in Kentucky and I can never return there. Ron lies a few miles from here. I don't go there often. No need to as he lives in my heart. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 So sorry Autumn for the pain you are in. I just dealt with my husband's birthday a few weeks ago and the 16 month anniversary of his death. These days are so hard. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 I wish you peaceful dreams and a good night's sleep, Autumn, and a better day tomorrow ♥ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 Burials in the Phoenix area are quite expensive. Because Ron had joked about being put in a pine box and buried in the back yard, I guess I never considered cremation. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly either. Ron had no insurance and I had no money. I chose an inexpensive pine casket, no service, a short visitation, a few memorial cards, a small spray, and no ride to the cemetery. That cost around $6,000. The marker was another $1,200. We had purchased the plot in 1977 for $300. The only smart part we had done. Those plots are around $5,000 now. Had I not sold our cabin, I would still be paying for his funeral. I think I will just wander off into the wilderness and die so my son does not face all this utter nonsense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 11 hours ago, KarenK said: I don't go there often. No need to as he lives in my heart. I feel this way too. I'm still blown away by how much cremations have gone up. I thought it was outrageous that they charged $75 for what looks like a $2 plastic kleenex box you could buy at WalMart. They are money grubbing gougers for sure! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 This article (and Gail Rubin's entire website) offer some useful information about funeral planning: Eight Things Funeral Directors Want You to Know 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 On 2/5/2017 at 11:33 AM, Widowedbysuicide said: had to sell my horse trailer in the first weeks after Gord's death. Our savings were gone and I needed over $6,000 to pay for his cremation. No service, that would have been more. It's sinful the way some people take advantage of people when they're vulnerable. $6000 for a basic cremation should be criminal. I also just had a no-frills cremation for my wife. No service- just the cremation.I was charged $875. I'm so sorry that you were taken advantage of like that Marita. Thank goodness that there's a thing called Karma!! Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 Autumn2, I'm sorry I missed your post yesterday. I know how are anniversaries are. I hope you were able to get sleep last night and that today is a little better for you. Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted February 8, 2017 Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 Oh Autumn, My heart goes out to you...to us all...much love, Marie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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