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I often tell people here to be gentle with themselves. After all, this life of grief, alone, is so very hard and painful. We can't spend our time beating ourselves up for the wouldas and couldas that play on our mind. We shouldn't be hard on ourselves when we lack motivation or feel like we're not really living a full life. Truly, there are days that just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. 

That's the "good cop" point of view.

There are other times I've started to play the "bad cop". My inner voice filled with tough love. It's the voice that says I need to get off my ass and push. The voice that tells me that laying around feeling sorry for myself isn't very productive.

In recent times, I've done quite a bit of pushing. Whether it's landscaping around the house or painting the deck or building a shed, I'm trying. Sure the sense of accomplishment in my work is fleeting, but it is giving me some small sense of purpose. 

Is it anything close to the life I had with Tammy? Of course not. Her love made my life better in every way. She was the best part of my life and the best part of me. Tammy's no longer here physically but I know she would be proud of me and that in itself is motivating and comforting.

Mitch

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56 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

I often tell people here to be gentle with themselves. After all, this life of grief, alone, is so very hard and painful. We can't spend our time beating ourselves up for the wouldas and couldas that play on our mind. We shouldn't be hard on ourselves when we lack motivation or feel like we're not really living a full life. Truly, there are days that just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. 

That's the "good cop" point of view.

There are other times I've started to play the "bad cop". My inner voice filled with tough love. It's the voice that says I need to get off my ass and push. The voice that tells me that laying around feeling sorry for myself isn't very productive.

In recent times, I've done quite a bit of pushing. Whether it's landscaping around the house or painting the deck or building a shed, I'm trying. Sure the sense of accomplishment in my work is fleeting, but it is giving me some small sense of purpose. 

Is it anything close to the life I had with Tammy? Of course not. Her love made my life better in every way. She was the best part of my life and the best part of me. Tammy's no longer here physically but I know she would be proud of me and that in itself is motivating and comforting.

Mitch

There can be benefit from both cops. Sometimes we do need to take it easy on ourselves as we are going through one of the toughest trials life has to offer. We have the need to rest, relax, and restore.  Other times we do need that kick in the tail to motivate us to do the tasks in life that need to be done. The hard part is finding the balance between the two that leads us to a more fulfilled existence. I know that is where my struggle lies. I feel that same sense of accomplishment, however brief, when I handle the chores of the day. I also need to just do nothing periodically. I need those times to reminisce, reflect, cry as that is therapy for me. I'll keep looking for that balance. 

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You hit the nail on the head. It really is a balancing act. If we're only living this new life yearning for our past and bemoaning what little we have, it's going to be torture. Not that we shouldn't long for what we had or hope against hope that this is a some sort of nightmare we will wake up from. We all want our old lives back.

On the other hand, it's not healthy to be relentlessly pushing ourselves 24/7. We need those quiet moments to ponder or cry or just lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

We're the one left behind, the survivor... it's anything but easy. But, somehow, some way, we will find a meaning in it all, little by little. .

 

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Mitch,

This post is worthy of being an article to be shared with anyone grieving.  I never thought of it as being "good cop, bad cop" but it aptly fits, and it IS important to have that balance of letting ourselves be, and pushing ourselves. ;)

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Kay, thanks for the sentiment. Unfortunately, my message of hope and my words of encouragement are falling on deaf ears for the most part here. That's one of the main reasons for my lack of activity at the forum. I put a lot of thought into my posts and try to word them in a way that offers grievers a sense that things can and will be better.

I know all of us here are hurting and this is pain that will reside in our hearts for the rest of our lives. But I also know and all of you know that life is short. We can choose to live it how we want. My choice is to live a life with Tammy in my heart serving as motivation. She wouldn't want me in constant pain and anguish. She'd revel in my victories and accomplishments. 

If others here can't find motivation, my heart reaches out to you. It truly does. I'm so sorry you can't find any light in the darkness of grief. We have to try to find some way to create a life that has a measure of hope in it. Without hope, life will be a very bleak place. We all deserve some sense of happiness in our lives.

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1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Unfortunately, my message of hope and my words of encouragement are falling on deaf ears for the most part here. That's one of the main reasons for my lack of activity at the forum. I put a lot of thought into my posts and try to word them in a way that offers grievers a sense that things can and will be better. These days, few respond to my words.

Mitch, if you are posting messages of hope and words of encouragement with the expectation that others will respond to your words with praise and positive affirmation, I'm afraid you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You simply cannot make others accept whatever you're saying or "do" their grief in the same ways that you are doing, no matter how noble your intentions and no matter how effective your ways are or have been for you. Whatever you've learned in your grief journey is unique to you and belongs to you alone. These forums offer you a place and an opportunity to share your own experiences, thoughts and feelings, but I think you are wise to do so without expecting something in return. When you invest so much in the outcome of your participation here ~ that is, the extent to which you influence others with your wisdom and experience and expect them to tell you so ~ rather than investing in the process ~ that is, drawing satisfaction from simply sharing your OWN experiences ~ you are bound to be disappointed.

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Marty, you totally are misunderstanding me. It's not praise I seek.  I get plenty of praise elsewhere in my life, I don't worry about getting it here.  I post with the intention of having an interaction. I welcome other points of view. It's not me preaching or telling others how to live, just posting about my beliefs. Beliefs that have worked for me and if others are in pain and what they're doing isn't working, why not try something different? Grief is in part a learning experience and trial and error is part of that.

Lively Interaction makes for a good discussion group, Marty.

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Mitch,

I have always read your posts and at times responded in appreciation.  I believe what you say is true.  We do have to try to make a new life with hope.  Sometimes that is VERY hard to do.  Some of that is due to aging.  I have joined book clubs, health club and tried unsuccessfully to volunteer at 3 places.  Health problems add to the discouragement.  I am committed to finding SOMETHING  that will add value to my life.  Please do not think that you are not heard or valued.  You definitely are.

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3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I post with the intention of having an interaction. I welcome other points of view. It's not me preaching or telling others how to live, just posting about my beliefs. Beliefs that have worked for me and if others are in pain and what they're doing isn't working, why not try something different? Grief is in part a learning experience and trial and error is part of that.

Lively Interaction makes for a good discussion group, Marty.

I read a contradiction in what you wrote above.   Posting beliefs is what this is about, but then you follow it with if someone else's isn't working, why not try something different (implying yours)?   I think we have all tried ways that we hope work for us.  we can't know what each person has tried and it makes the assumption they haven't. Also stating you may leave can evoke guilt from other members.

lively discussion in a group of people with so much pain and different phases is another thing that sometimes happens.  People get wiped out just living another day.  2 people responded to your original post.  It does sound like you are keeping score.   I look at the reputations and see many read and must agree, they just don't have anything to say, it doesn't mean they don't get help from what they read.

I see this as a very accepting and  receptive venue.  People have spilled their hearts and souls here.   I guess I'm not clear on what you want as many posts are written and sometimes just die out.  But for who wrote it, it may have helped immensely to get it out.

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Mitch, always appreciate your views....Our lives of co existing in a comfortable loving relationships are now replaced by a lives of co existing with Grief...I'm at a point, after almost two years, that I can function(without great Purpose) with day to day activities, with manageable  Grief bursts......I do find myself more withdrawn but very comfortable with it....That is probably my primary reason that I have decided that a move will be next...

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On 2017-6-5 at 1:57 PM, mittam99 said:

 

We're the one left behind, the survivor... it's anything but easy. But, somehow, some way, we will find a meaning in it all, little by little. .

 

I personally feel I (myself) will never find a meaning in this. The reason "because we loved" doesn't seem enough to my brain. I still remain puzzled at the whole meaning debate. Somehow it would be much better and benefitial to find one.

 

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I have missed your posts Mitch.  I like the way you present your thoughts, feelings and ideas.  I appreciate the effort you make in being real and in wanting to interact with members.  I would very much miss your posts if you were not commenting here.

I've said it before and it remains true for me, you have helped me tremendously in your positivity.  Please keep posting here ?

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I read a contradiction in what you wrote above.   Posting beliefs is what this is about, but then you follow it with if someone else's isn't working, why not try something different (implying yours)?   I think we have all tried ways that we hope work for us.  we can't know what each person has tried and it makes the assumption they haven't.

 

What I was trying to convey is this. I'm a hugely empathetic person. For example when I see your 24/7 struggles, I want to reach out and hug you to let you know I care. Since I can't do that I try to post ideas that have helped me and MAY work for you. I'd never assume it's my way or the highway. I genuinely want to try to help.

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What I read here does not indicate to me a desire for praise or agreement but simply trying to help people to see if something isn't working, maybe try something else.  That "something else" will be different for everyone, it's up to each of us to explore in our own time and way what that might be.  I know most of us HAVE tried different things, I guess it's about continuing that effort until we find what works for us. ;)

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Mitch, I read your posts and since we both lost our beautiful brides in about the same time, I've felt a sort of kindred spirit.  Our life experiences are different but grief impacts us in many different ways. I have tried to PM you but find that function is blocked.  I still value what you share.  - Shalom

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George, my PM function being off has nothing to do with my not wanting to respond to members who contact me privately. It's a story for a different day, I guess you could say.

If you need to contact me, my email address is: mittam99@yahoo.com

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On 6/6/2017 at 10:18 AM, mittam99 said:
On 6/6/2017 at 0:38 PM, mittam99 said:

I post with the intention of having an interaction. I welcome other points of view. It's not me preaching or telling others how to live, just posting about my beliefs. Beliefs that have worked for me and if others are in pain and what they're doing isn't working, why not try something different? Grief is in part a learning experience and trial and error is part of that.

Lively Interaction makes for a good discussion group, Marty.

 

I'm sorry Mitch that you feel this way. The majority of people do not reply on online forums, Ie. your post has 200 views. So yes, your posts and everybody posts falls on deaf ears, if we stick to numbers of replies. 

 

On the other hand, the kind of  interaction and feedback you may need, which is fair, may not be possible to find on a virtual forum, for its own nature of being a virtual platform. Have you thought of complementary options, ie attending an in person grief group or a writing group? (See Megan Devine's writing your grief group). 

 

 

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I think some folks here are misinterpreting both who I am and what I was trying to convey. I simply felt like this topic and the concept of "Good Cop, Bad Cop" was something interesting and thought provoking. Something that I hadn't seen discussed here in that way. It's not about me worrying about topic counts or likes or anything of the sort. I was just hoping it was a topic that would strike a chord and get people thinking and talking. Sometimes I guess you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. ;)

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I wonder if there is something in the air these last few months.  When I read things or hear them I almost always get the interpretation wrong.  Is it the place I'm in on this journey?  Am I over sensitive to what is going on around me?  Some of the threads on here have struck me in ways that have provoked me to feeling protective.  Some have me wondering what is wrong with me.  

I too have the good cop / bad cop stuff going on in my head.   I have so many more questions than I have answers or solutions.  I think better when I live better; adequate food, shelter and sleep make a huge difference.  The good cop has to keep reminding me what I need, the bad cop just waits til I screw up and then imprisons me in my personal hell.

Today is fresh and new.  I wonder where the good cop goes for coffee.  

Have the best day you can ? ?

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Mitch,

"Some days are diamonds, some days are stones" is what your "good cop/bad cop" makes me think of. I think it is impossible to control this roller coaster of emotions that grief provides. I find that as time passes, some days I beat myself up a little less. Some days I fall into the rabbit hole again. It is the nature of the beast.

In time we will probably all move forward, some more slowly than others. There are many suggestions made on the forum that I do not follow, but I do not begrudge the person making them. It is simply their way of trying to help, as you are trying to do. Sometimes are hearts are not ready to be receptive of other's ideas.

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7 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Today is fresh and new.  I wonder where the good cop goes for coffee.  

Marita, I believe they go to Dunkin Donuts for the Good Cop 20% discount. ;)

I also wanted to say that your comments (that I've touched you in a positive way) have often made my day. Thank you for that. I'm so sorry we're all living this grief existence. Here's hoping life sends you some needed comfort.

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

Mitch,

In time we will probably all move forward, some more slowly than others. There are many suggestions made on the forum that I do not follow, but I do not begrudge the person making them. It is simply their way of trying to help, as you are trying to do. Sometimes are hearts are not ready to be receptive of other's ideas.

Thank you Karen. Those words of wisdom resonate with me. Very insightful and helpful.

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On 6/5/2017 at 2:11 PM, mittam99 said:

I often tell people here to be gentle with themselves. After all, this life of grief, alone, is so very hard and painful. We can't spend our time beating ourselves up for the wouldas and couldas that play on our mind. We shouldn't be hard on ourselves when we lack motivation or feel like we're not really living a full life. Truly, there are days that just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. 

That's the "good cop" point of view.

There are other times I've started to play the "bad cop". My inner voice filled with tough love. It's the voice that says I need to get off my ass and push. The voice that tells me that laying around feeling sorry for myself isn't very productive.

In recent times, I've done quite a bit of pushing. Whether it's landscaping around the house or painting the deck or building a shed, I'm trying. Sure the sense of accomplishment in my work is fleeting, but it is giving me some small sense of purpose. 

Is it anything close to the life I had with Tammy? Of course not. Her love made my life better in every way. She was the best part of my life and the best part of me. Tammy's no longer here physically but I know she would be proud of me and that in itself is motivating and comforting.

Mitch

It's the balancing act that seems to be one of the hardest things to get right. I think that, of late, I've been what you call the 'bad cop' perhaps too much. Okay, I haven't been doing the kind of jobs you've been doing, but my equivalent is that I've been getting out and about as much as I can, doing stuff, going places, constantly trying to have something to do...and consequently not giving myself time to reflect and, if I need to, even feel upset, and also not giving myself time to do absolutely nothing. And I'm realising that I stll need to have those times and shouldn't try to run away from them. But it's so hard to get right.

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Springtime is a rebirth, renewal, and a Freshness via Mother Nature......Most people feel better in the Spring.....there has been a few posts quoting authors ranging from Roosevelt , the Bible, and June Eggleston.......This is stating what doesn't kill us ,makes us stronger, . It doesn't sound positive, but our lives to carry on and our Grief will make us better people......I sincerely believe this....good tomorrows for all of us..

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That balancing act is hard Dr. Lenera, no doubt.

I started working on re-staining my fairly large second story deck with a large flight of steps. I'm wondering if I bit off more than I can chew. I have no problem with hard work but this task is not only daunting it's physically draining. Oh my aching back! And when I've come in the house for a break, Tammy's not here giving me that sense of comfort and reassurance.  I just have to take it slow and steady and try not to get too frustrated. I wish I could have been able to afford a pro to do this because painting is not my forte.

I definitely do push myself but I also know when I need to stop and call it quits for the day.  I know Tammy would be proud of me and it's a small comfort but it's obviously not like she is actually here. And that's where it's easy to just give up and say "why do I bother?". I think the reason I've been pushing myself so hard is that I really don't have much of a life. It's a life without the love I crave from my dear Tammy. It's an empty life. A bit of a dismal one. Pushing myself and fixing up my house is my way of taking pride in something. Feeling some sense of purpose or usefulness. I mean, even if it only gives me a short lived burst of accomplishment, I'll take it. Maybe it means my life isn't complete and utter nothingness. I'm not sure. I just know if I didn't push, I'd lay around and wallow in my grief and I know, at least for me, that isn't good or healthy.

It's just so easy to be stuck in that "quicksand-ish" feeling of being consumed by grief. It's a place where the pain of grief rules your life 24/7. I've been in that hole... that feeling of being in a pit so deep you'll never get out. For me, at this time in my journey, that's simply a place I don't want to live in. A place I'm pretty sure Tammy wouldn't want me living in, either.

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