My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

This "caregiver" doesn't do anything for her except bilk her and bring her mail twice a week, USPS doesn't deliver to her house but a block away and across the highway, she can't get it!!  She has a doctor's appt the end of this month to get an exemption to take to the post office so they'll deliver to her.  Then she'll need a mailbox put up, I told her to call her neighbor to have him put one up but she hasn't done anything about it yet.  Once it's done she'll get her mail delivered.  Her friend takes her to the local grocery store.

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I called my Lifeline company to make sure they had on record where the key is hidden if something happens.

Peggy got a box that opens the door with a code for EMTs/ambulance.  I don't even have the code.

We may get up to 3 ft of snow this week, when you go to hourly and add it up...
https://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?lon=-122.41158872593141&lat=43.802891161925544

Looks like I'll be shoveling Christmas Eve day, Christmas, and for days to come.  I don't know how Kodie will pee/poop.  There'll be too much to walk in this unless the plows come and someone can plow my driveway to get to the road!  I'll have to shovel a path to the firewood, about 100 ft, wide enough for wheelbarrow...will also have to keep a path clear to the dog pen, just in case.  Kodie doesn't like going in it but if we can't get to the yard...

Yard guy blew off the gravel driveway (I'd just wanted the paved one done) so there's NO gravel or needles on it now, just MUD!!!  Now I have mud in the house, on my boots and shoes, awckk!!

[Gwenivere]

Always hard to get up.  Tried contacting my docs about issues.  One not possible.  The other left an email but no RX.  Now he’s gone til next week.  Had to ask to have the covering doc call it in, hope they do.  I developed a nail fungus and I don’t want pills.  Risks of side effects I don’t want.  The cream is only 30% effective, but I want to try it.  He also recommended some over the counter stuff I looked up that is innocuous.  He even said so.  So why would I get something that doesn’t work?  I’m brain scrambled but this makes me wonder about him!  

It's been pouring all day.  Snow coming this weekend and then temps drop into the 20’s for the highs.  Cripples this place as so few know how to drive in it.  Dee came by.  We shut down any talk about covid.  Another friend of hers did the same.  Over saturated.  Big shopping day Friday in prep for this.

I keep going over and over in my mind if I can handle a rerun of this surgery and rehab.  I can’t get a clear answer if coming home messed it up.  I know when things started falling apart that I continued doing things that perhaps I shouldn’t have.  I can’t get a clear answer if the hardware was failing on its own.  All I do know, like all of us, is that if Steve was here, I would have been more careful and had someone to make sure I didn’t take any chances.  Just like we did for them.  I’d also have an extra advocate in these attempts to get answers from the doctors.  

There’s always new ways to miss them.  7 years later I’ve found another.  I know they won’t stop coming.  In counseling yesterday, she was telling me how men typically look for a new partner much more than women.  Often disappointed because they find they were trying to replace which can’t be done.  I found that interesting.  Of course, I’m not saying all widowers do that.  We knew one who did and it worked out.  I always learn more about grief as she is she is a widow twice over and has so many clients in a huge spectrum.

Hard to believe the big day is here.  I so miss being an elf.  😰

[nashreed]

Gwen, I am glad your counselor verified what I have found to be true. There's a lot of widowers looking to mingle with non-existent, not interested widows. I absolutely know that to try to replace Annette would be impossible, but I so miss that relationship, just that companionship that doesn't have to be physical other than hugs and warmth. Somebody that's always there, who "gets" me, and that is impossible to ever find again- I should just accept it.  My references are almost always song based- If you know the Neil Young song "A Man Needs A Maid". I mean, I men are needy bastards, but the song also is about how very hard it is to be alone for a man (the "maid" in the lyrics became his real wife). My grandfather remarried about 6 months after my Mom's mom passed (of course, he had a whole mobile home park full of eligible widows). And then when she passed, he remarried again and after wife #3, the same- he could never be alone. Always needed a "maid".

My Mom really just (out-of-nowhere) blurted out "Why do you have to complain about everything?". Oh, I'm sorry- I'm so used to being able to always have someone to gripe to, who actually cared about my opinions and wanted to know what they could do for me. All I am to her is "Son #2" and that's my place and she doesn't care about who I am, only what role I'm supposed to fill in the family dynamic. (And she complains about everything in her passive aggressive constant sighing and her mumbled standard lines like "Why am I not surprised?") I am very, very lucky that I had one person who understood and loved me for me- who I was. And the absence of that is beyond devastating. My family can't understand how I just can't get over it. 

[kayc]

James, a man in our church (Bob) married and outlived three wives to cancer.  I remember when he asked my 84 year old friend out, and she said she likes to give things time and he responded, "Lady, at my age, I don't HAVE time!   They married and she said he was the love of her life.  After she died he too got cancer and his son & DIL cared for him until he died.  He had such a twinkle and was so wise in life and always good at making people smile/laugh!  I miss him, everyone does.

I'm sorry your family is less than stellar, I think that speaks for many of us, in my case, they're just not here anymore...

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Snow coming this weekend and then temps drop into the 20’s for the highs.

Yes, I'm concerned, we're expected to get five ft, I sure hope it's not that much!  My home can't take it. I can't take it!

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry your family is less than stellar, I think that speaks for many of us, in my case, they're just not here anymore...

Same here.  Aside from losing the obvious, Steve and our kids, I’ve lost all others I cared about except my cousin and she is so very fragile now being older.  Then I look at me and see longevity is not in our genes.  I know your sisters are a trial many times.  It’s like having and not having family.  
 

As I expected,  problems with getting med help.  This for my nails.  Doc called in an OTC cream.  Now I’m waiting to hear if there is a prescription one to try.  Why they called it in baffles me.  Had I not gotten a message from the clinic I’d never know.  So now I wait for a call back to a simple question.  Is there a stronger one that is prescription.  Also heard from my CPA that she had retired and I had forgotten.  Taxes are going to be tough with this back mess.  Also getting set up with someone else after decades.  Fortunately I called the new woman and she has all my info.   
 

Nurse came by.  Shower aide coming tomorrow.  Hope I can do it.  No matter how I look at next week and weekend, knowing that surgery is coming has me so down.  Add in the snow and sub freezing temps it just makes it worse.  Might not be able to get together with Dee if it’s bad.  Nothing worse than a day I am restless, watch TV and realize I’ve accomplished nothing.  Stuff I did were normally simple, not things I write down just to cross off so I don’t feel useless.

The upcoming covid surge concerns me for not seeing Dee for a long time.  They were starting to let people visit last time.  Think that will change.  Not having my life not in my control ahhhhhgain.   One thing I know is I will be ultra paranoid about movement.  
 

Today is my mother’s birthday.  It had stopped ding painful til Steve died.  Often he would say we should toast her.  I could feel her memory with a smile.  Not anymore.  She adored him.  
 

Hope all have a warm Xmas Eve.  💕

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Taxes are going to be tough with this back mess.

File for an extension, it's a simple form online you can do in five minutes, as soon as they open it up for it.

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Fortunately I called the new woman and she has all my info.  

I'm so glad!

Sorry, didn't mean to finish last post, thought it'd merge, it didn't.

It's hard dealing with birthdays of those we've loved and passed.

I hope Dee doesn't stop coming by!  Can she still bring stuff for you, I don't know how you'd survive without her!

Joe's parents stopped by with their kids last night, they haven't been by for over two years.  Kodie spun and spun for them and shared his toys with their small kids.

I hope you all have a good Christmas Eve also...snowing again.

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

File for an extension

kayc:  That's what I've been thinking about doing.  Thanks for reminding how easy it can be.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I’ll have no choice but an extension I think.  Can’t see how I’d possibly get Thur all the mail to get the tax documents quickly.  It’s not an task I can ask someone to do either.  I could detail it for Dee but I know I’ll be more occupied with post op.  
 

Still torn on doing it.  I sit here every day dreading how bad this is going to be.  Had a shower and it was the hardest ever.  The woman didn’t feel comfortable trimming my toenails.  As the nurse didn’t either, they suggested when I’m in the hospital.  So circle back to that dread.  
 

Dee got us both lots of food for the coming snow and following low temps.  She may not be able to come over after the snow because of steep hills to my place.  That will be horrid.  So angry about the timing of this.  I so depend on her for what sanity I have left.  We’re planning on watching a non holiday movie today.  Just another night here now.  Know there are lots of families having great eve's.  News said snow be more than first predicted.  Don’t know what to do with that disappointment.  For all of us, alone or not, I just hope we make our way thru.  
 

I’ve sent happy quick wishes to my outsider buddies.  That’s what’s expected.  I don’t know what to say here today except I cherish you all.  Hope you feel some comfort and warmth.  ❤️

[KarenK]

Gwen, have been thinking about you and am so glad Dee was able to get to you with plenty of food. Hope your upcoming snow doesn't stop her from returning.

Snow in the mountains and rain here in the valley. Supposedly the wettest Xmas Eve in our history. Of course an inch of rain excites people here.  lol

Will be having our Xmas at 6 AM when my son gets home from work. Then go and sleep some. Hope you have a peaceful holiday.

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Hope you feel some comfort and warmth.  ❤️

This is the best I can hope for!  I appreciate your warm wishes, Gwen.  Yesterday was horrid, electricity out all day, got about 10" snow yesterday/last night, yesterday was about 6" super heavy wet sludge, killed my hands.  I'm lucky to have a good back, don't know how long it can hold out, everything else hurts bad.  Warned my sister again to NOT go out in the snow/ice!!

It is kind of depressing not seeing my kids and grandkids.  I ate peanut butter and pork rinds around 1:30 and a small cup of old homemade soup about 5, not exactly Christmas fare.  But I couldn't cook and didn't want the refrigerator open, didn't know if it'd be days before elec. came back on.  It did after 6 pm.  Couldn't sleep after midnight so about 3 am got up and shoveled some more.  Won't last long in this, driveway filled with snow.

Gwen, I hope you can see Dee today.  I hope the plows come out, ours hasn't yett.

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

Snow in the mountains and rain here in the valley.

What I wouldn't give for monotonous rain, at least I don't have to shovel it!  Kodie would argue that though, he LOVES the snow!  He'll have a great day.

My son called last night so I could hear the kids on speakerphone, couldn't make out most of what they were saying but loved hearing them all the same.  Makes me miss them that much more. 
 

[KarenK]

Sorry about your electricity , Kay. Rarely happens here except in summer when all the AC's overload the transformers.

Glad you got to talk to the kids. Have been feeling a bit down this week missing Debbie and wondering if anyone ever puts flowers on her grave which I will never see again. Too wet here right now to go to the cemetery to put some on Ron's and my parents which are side by side. I bought the adjacent plot when my dad died in 1977.

We had our little Xmas and I slept for a few hours(not enough), but have a whopping headache now. Guys will sleep until 6, I'll fix dinner, read and watch mindless tv, same old, same old.

 

Hope all have a peaceful Xmas.

[scba]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

wondering if anyone ever puts flowers on her grave which I will never see again.

I sympathize. My boyfriend is buried in another country. I have dreamed with the site and sometimes had the need to be there and cry at the finality of things. 

Ana

[KarenK]

Scba, so sorry. I know that feeling well.

[Margm]

I had the A/C on today.  My sister couldn't stand the idea of Christmas without southern cornbread dressing.  So, she prepared, or tried to.  It tired her out so she is kind of short on stamina tonight.  And, she ruined the chicken and dressing, being unable to tend to it.  I cooked my last when I was 76, no more.  Kelli was fixing Tex/Mex when they got home from the endless present opening here.  I apologized for being such a Grinch, she said I did better this year.  I had my no-vax granddaughter from Savannah and her no-vax daughter.  My sister is so afraid, so I told her I would quarantine myself a few days..  It is not like I'm not used to it.  

It can't be the same, we can't make it better, all we can do is wade on through it and I just noticed, it is now December 26th, (12:52 a.m.). Christmas is gone again.  

Hang in there my friends.  It is like playing dodge ball, it gets harder to get out of the way.

[KarenK]

I sympathize with your sister, Marg. More times than not when I'm cooking, I break out in a sweat, get dizzy, and darn well better sit down. Happened tonight during pork chops, dressing, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Fortunately, I can holler at my son to take over. Have no idea what causes this.

Having the holidays over with sure doesn't stop the memories though, does it? Found myself tearing up at a Statler Brothers song on the music channel(my background noise) tonight.

[Gwenivere]

Egads Kay!  No power?  Too much snow?  I don’t know how you do it.  Definitely having a functioning back helps.  I was in agony just trying to get get some lunch.

Reading Karen’s and Ana’s posts remind me Steve is scattered under our plum tree in the back yard.  It’s not him.  Just the remnants of shell that once was a vibrant man.  Ally is with those too.  Their both so alive in my head.  The physical presence is the pain.

Dee and I switched movies to watch.  Opted for a comedy but I couldn’t get into it.  I’m was so depressed.  Sunday buddy did come by very quickly.  She’s very scared of covid, so hearing Dee was here, I knew that would happen.  But I have some turkey, mashed potatoes and pecan pie.  Forgot what a pain drumsticks are with the tendons.  
 

Now it’s just wait and see how much snow we get.  Hope I’m not cut off from Dee.  Missing everything today.  Steve, Ally, Mel.  
 

Like you Marg, I don’t do cooking either.  At least you try, Karen.  Kudos for that.

Glad the actual holiday is over.   Will look forward to some wine and a couple hours of away from this reality.  Then it’s up under the surgery decision cloud.  Sorry I’ve been so redundant about it.  Off to our cold snap.  Hoping no white stuff today.  Hoping for maybe a nice dream.  Sure miss those.  
 

Best to all.  💕

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

14 hours ago, KarenK said:

I bought the adjacent plot when my dad died in 1977.

I lost my plot in the divorce (me and kids' dad), I wonder if his wife knows she'll be buried in my plot!  That would greatly upset her. 

13 hours ago, scba said:

I sympathize. My boyfriend is buried in another country. I have dreamed with the site and sometimes had the need to be there and cry at the finality of things. 

Ana

I'm sorry, I wish you could be there, seems impossible now with Covid and expense to travel.  But he is with you in your heart, always.  I am glad George's ashes are scattered here in my backyard where I can look out, no matter the weather, even though in actuality the ashes are now absorbed by the earth or scattered with the wind, it's the idea of it I guess.  It's where I want mine to go someday, with him and my beloved pets, also buried in graves nearby.

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Definitely having a functioning back helps.

It would help to have functioning hands, I've never known such pain since this last dog bite, arthritis full bore just three months later, hurts with every shovel... I have a back but not the hands, feet, knees to go with it, hands down to 10% strength, people have no idea how hard it is to take care of a place without hands. 

No word from daughter.  Wondering if Gin heard from her son...missing her here.

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Happened tonight during pork chops, dressing, mashed potatoes, and gravy.

 

I haven't cooked for others since my daughter came up last, I think I served her a five course Keto meal!   

I ate breakfast with Kodie at 2 pm and by dinner was still full so ate 1/2 Keto Mug Cake (all healthy).  Fasting blood sugar this morning was 99 so I reckon all I need to do to have good BS is don't eat!    I sympathize with those wanting to cook and can't.  I haven't been able to with elec. out all day Christmas Eve and shoveling snow!  It's not letting up...21" and the worst of it coming today/tomorrow/the next day...the rest of the week doesn't look good either!

How's the snow there, Gwen?  I'm glad you got to see Dee and your buddy!  And turkey, sounds wonderful!

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Found myself tearing up at a Statler Brothers song on the music channel

Oh gosh, they're great!  I got to see them when I was a teenager, they were at the U of O where I worked as an usher, first official job.

 

[Widow2015]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

It can't be the same, we can't make it better, all we can do is wade on through it and I just noticed, it is now December 26th, (12:52 a.m.). Christmas is gone again.  

Hang in there my friends.  It is like playing dodge ball, it gets harder to get out of the way.

Oh Marge I could have written your words about not being able to cook my Granny's southern cornbread dressing or cook all the usual foods I used to be able to.  As I sat down to eat Christmas Eve dinner at my son's house he jokingly reminded me I didn't bring the Christmas jello ribbon salad, a favorite of his.  I just laughed at him and reminded him I doubt if I could read the recipe anymore.  I would like to be able to cook some favorites again, but I can barely cook for myself right now.  Another reason to be hoping for cataract surgery in 2022.  I can only wade through each day.  

11 hours ago, KarenK said:

More times than not when I'm cooking, I break out in a sweat, get dizzy, and darn well better sit down. Happened tonight during pork chops, dressing, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Fortunately, I can holler at my son to take over. Have no idea what causes this.

Oh Karen:  Can it be some medication you are taking?  Blood pressure issues?  Good your boys are there with you.  

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Oh gosh, they're great!  I got to see them when I was a teenager, they were at the U of O where I worked as an usher, first official job.

kay:  The Statler Brothers were one of my husband's favorites.  We got to see them years ago in Seattle.  Can't remember when we saw them, but I do remember how much he enjoyed getting to see them in person.  Could've been in the 80's. ???

My goodness Kay, like Gwen says, " how do you manage "  with all the snow issues?  So hope your power doesn't go out again.  So far,  where I live it is snowing lightly with 28 degees with about 4 or 5 inches accumulation.   I don't have to go anywhere..... I just hope it goes away soon.  So pretty to look at, but my truck driver son will have to face the crazy drivers on the roads when he goes back to work on Tuesday.    Dee

 

[Margm]

Dee, my son works the night shift at the  VA Hospital..  He cleans, they have a crew.  He worked so long as a DJ at strip bar, all the dope, clean now for many years.  He used to be a welder.  He is an artist  He does no painting now.  He sleeps, goes to work, back to sleep again.  If he had any hope for a life, he spent it all on a bad divorce, she ran around on him.  Then, finally after all the working girls, long time relationship on a gal that would never run around on him.  She did.  He's through.  He always had a girlfriend or wife, guess he has had enough.  Anyhow, they are around COVID patients and a surge of C-diff (Clostridium difficile) patients.  That is a bacteria, the last one, and they can take care of it, but highly contagious.  I talk to him every night, but he is afraid to come see me, afraid he will bring some illness.  He has sort of hazmat suits before he enters rooms and they take precautions.  

35 minutes ago, Widow2015 said:

My goodness Kay, like Gwen says, " how do you manage " 

With the A/C just coming on the day after Christmas, I guess we all have our downtimes.  I do not like snow, but the countryside is beautiful.  I know I would slip and break something.  No "keto" on my diet.  Nothing healthy, so I get fluffy and fluffy.  And, I don't have to eat much to do it.  I got myself "trekking sticks" for Christmas, and I do need exercise, if I will do it.  

Take care friends.  You can't watch the news without getting totally paranoid.  You do what you can, vax and masks, and stay home.  Really tarnishes these "golden" years.  I think they could have come up with a better name.

 

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

.  I talk to him every night, but he is afraid to come see me, afraid he will bring some illness.  He has sort of hazmat suits before he enters rooms and they take precautions.

Marg: So sad you aren't able to have face to face contact with your son right now.  I can imagine how you must miss that.  I know you wait for those calls every day.  He is a good son to keep in touch.

Before I moved, my son would call every night on his long hour drive home.  Now that we live on the same piece of property I don't talk to him everyday, but I do get to catch a glimpse of him sometimes or visit with him on weekends.  His life is so hectic I try not to be a bother to him.  I don't knock on their door unless I'm invited to come over.  Each morning, I text him to let him know I am OK.  I realize how blessed I am to have him so close.  Not the same with my daughter.  She lives in Southern Oregon.  We have to take what we are given.

My sister in law sent me a new sweatshirt for Christmas.  Printed on front: ID EST QUOD ID EST.  Not knowing Latin, I Googled for meaning: "It Is What It Is".  I laughed and told her that is perfect for me and my life right now.  Dee

[Margm]

14 minutes ago, Widow2015 said:

Printed on front: ID EST QUOD ID EST.  Not knowing Latin, I Googled for meaning: "It Is What It Is".  I laughed and told her that is perfect for me and my life right now. 

What a nice gift.  I never buy shoes.  Kelli keeps me supplied with 7-1/2W.  Gotta be wide for a flat footer from Louisiana.  I think they would have been wide anyhow, but did go barefoot until I was older and found out why  my barefoot Mama had cracked heels.  Now my daughter too.  You can't call us hillbillies, but you might call us flatlanders.  We don't have the rocky soil in most places so we go outside barefoot. I don't anymore.  Kelli got me two pair of shoes, a bunch of little stocking fillers and Scott went overboard with my Bath and Body Works as did my sister.  

Y'all, stay warm.  I've got my fan on too right now.  Next week we might have ice and snow, if we do, we will have tornadoes too.  

[KarenK]

Marg, I remember as a kid I was on the track team at school and I always ran barefoot. Got a big sticker in my foot during a race and just kept running. I was a tough little kid. I know all about cracked heels. Can't stand to go barefoot now, even in the house. My son got me warm fuzzy socks and a new kitchen whisk for Xmas. All I could think of that I wanted.  lol

[Gwenivere]

Good to hear some had a warm holiday.  Very deserved for what we carry.  Socks and bath goodies sound great!

 I couldn’t get into yesterday even with Dee and the home cooked meal nicely given.  What a mess with using my fingers to strip turkey from bones.  Was worth it tho.  
 

No one knew if the church had its meal, much less if they could get there.  I don’t find the snow pretty at all as it is not going to thaw with the low temps.  Might be next weekend before it can start.  That leads from today into my surgery week with possibly no human contact.  Tomorrow is usually a community center lunch.  

Can't elude this worsening depression.  I thought it would be a bit less today.  Besides being literally cold, my world is.  I keep trying to find some faith, hope that the surgery can work considering how bad I have gotten.  How I’ve been alone for 3 months here.  What if it fails and I find that out when I wake up?  Questions I’ve pondered here so many times.  The most I hope for, beyond it actually working, is that it will be as it is now so I have an option out.  Gawd, I miss Melody so much.  So hurts knowing she’s essentially someone else’s dog now.  

Watched the hustle and bustle on the news. So many people having places to go and so many with someone.  To see others they love.  I remember doing that eons ago and when we enlarged our family that we were perfectly content being home creating our long standing traditions.  
 

Time to try and ease this weary mind.  Have Dancing With Wolves on. Forgot how good a movie it is.   Hope all sleep well tonight.  💕