My Sanity Needed Vents

[Widow2015]

27 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Had the meeting.  Surgery for decommission worked.  2 screws are not holding for stability not because of lack of density.  Have to be redone or it stays like this, probably getting worse.  Again, no guarantee this will work, but it’s all he sees as my only choice.  Forgot to ask if I can do anything to stop aggravating it more or not.  (Absolutely no PT.) Also a large bulge from a disk above the ones operated on.    Calling him again to find out if I should stay ambulatory as I have been.   All kinds of things hit after the initial shock.  They say write them in an email, which I’ve done for other things and never gotten a reply, but I’ll try again tonight in hopes there will be answers next week.  

Oh Gwen so sorry reading your update .  Can't find the words to help ease your situation or begin to imagine how devasted you must feel having to face this.  So many unknowns,  questions with so many decisions to make.  Take care, am keeping you in my thoughts.  Hugs. Dee

[KarenK]

Gwen, I'm just super angry that your concerns have been ignored for so long causing you all this added unnecessary pain. I don't know what else to say except this needs to be fixed sooner than later accompanied by much better pain meds. There's just no excuse for the way you've been treated.

[kayc]

Kodie woke me up at 1:30, about 2:30 starting to drift off and the neighbor's dog started barking shrilly/loudly/repetitively, they never bring him in or shut him up!  3:30 I gave up and got up, will be dragging today.

Gwen, I'm sorry the screws aren't holding, that must be what is bothering you. 

[MartyT]

[V. R.]

Gwen, truly sorry to hear you're still suffering so much. 

Wishing you all the best and 'pronta guarigione' as we say here. 

Enza

❤️

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Dee.  I shouldn’t have been surprised and guess I wasn’t.  Expect for desperation for pain relief,  I have lost trust I can be fixed.  This sounds a bit more radical as he wants to replace all pins (6) with new ones with a cement to secure them.  All that aside, I truly am at wits end about the last decade plus.  How it came to this.  This may have happened if Steve was here.  No way to know.  If it did tho, I’d have a huge reason to try again.   
 

I spent all of Saturday alone.  Actually watched TV as I’m still pressed to my limit by this news.  Washed my face, making a mess to clean up, and wiped down my upper body.    I need to tell Tommy and my cousin about what is going on, but don’t want to make calls.  Just talked to Dee briefly.  Every bit of walking, getting out pills, repinning my hair up hurt so much.  Rat came out to see if there was free bait, saw none and went back down the hall.  Just what I need to see.  Guess I’m stuck with the b*st*rd tho for the life of me I don’t know what it’s living on.  Hoping it is stuck in the house, that there aren’t any ways in and out.  That would involve the exterminator and it’s very expensive.  

Guess I’m trying to hide today.  Useless pursuit.  I know it’s not a good sign to not want to reach out.  I just don’t know what to say. Writing here is all I can handle.  I worry I’ll withdraw more, but hoping I’m handling a no human contact day with the med news as normal as someone can who is alone.  The despair and disappointment.  Not wanting to do it again but unable to live like I am.  Looking at dates in January if I do.  Still so angry I made such progress til I got home.  Wish I could say I’m hoping for a better Sunday.  But fantasies are just that.  
 

My best to you all.  I hope you have some rays of light today.  💕

[KarenK]

I think health problems(old and new) surface for many of us when we lose someone. Grief does a number on your immune system. I was almost as healthy as a horse until Ron died, except for my BP. I was still doing all the yard work, keeping the house clean, cooking, etc. I think all that plus the caregiving, medical appts., and constant worrying about him and Debbie just wore me out. Plus the added factor of age. I just don't bounce back anymore.

You have every right to feel despair and disappointment. Is the surgeon going to adjust your pain meds to compensate for the extra pain? I'm just so sorry it took so long for them to listen to you.

[Gwenivere]

I know you went thru a lot between Ron and Debbie.  Such cruel losses so close together.  I was as healthy as I could be also.  Tired, but not restricted for all I had to do.  I know that over a decade has taken a toll.  That’s a lot of years when your over 50 and now going into upper 60's.  I keep being asked if I am immunocompromised.   I don’t know.  Shouldn’t they tell me?  Definitely don’t bounce back anymore.

Surgeon didn’t offer more pain meds.  I know there is a concern taking them with my anxiety meds.  I’d love the relief, but wouldn’t want to get dizzy as walking is shaky enough being alone.  It’s a closed door with the opioid worries.  
 

I wish they would have responded faster too.  I also question why they didn’t do the 'cement' method considering my age and knowing I have arthritis.  Having been on estrogen since my mid 30’s from a full hysterectomy had me years ahead on weaker bones.  Lots of anger about that.

[kayc]

If it were me I think I'd want to chance the surgery if they think it has a high chance of working and alleviating the pain you're experiencing....what I want to know is WHY HE DIDN'T DO THIS THE FIRST TIME!  He should have known your bone density and probability for this happening BEFORE doing your surgery!  That alone would tick me off!

I'm just sorry you're faced with such a dilemma, it's hard to NOT give up sometimes when life keeps throwing missiles at you, but we have no choice.    It takes a strong person (determined) to keep going in the face of adversity.  Pain is a game changer.  It can either motivate us or defeat us but it doesn't leave us unmarked.

[nashreed]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

I think health problems(old and new) surface for many of us when we lose someone. Grief does a number on your immune system. I was almost as healthy as a horse until Ron died, except for my BP. I was still doing all the yard work, keeping the house clean, cooking, etc. I think all that plus the caregiving, medical appts., and constant worrying about him and Debbie just wore me out. Plus the added factor of age. I just don't bounce back anymore.

You have every right to feel despair and disappointment. Is the surgeon going to adjust your pain meds to compensate for the extra pain? I'm just so sorry it took so long for them to listen to you.

I relate so much to this. My health has really taken a nosedive. I was foolish and stopped going to my chiropractor when COVID first hit because I didn't want to wear a mask getting adjusted. Then, of course, my world got upended. But now my back/Sciatica is so bad, I'm shuffling around stooped over trying not to be in pain. I try to do stretches and exercise, but I have zero self discipline, and really wish I had a trainer to force me to do them. I'm getting that taste of what Annette went through. She was in chronic pain for 20 years. 

I used to be so strong. I was her caregiver and plowed through all of her problems- knowing she needed me. I drove halfway across the country in two days by myself. Now it's all caught up with me and I feel like I'm 100 years old. 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

If it were me I think I'd want to chance the surgery if they think it has a high chance of working and alleviating the pain you're experiencing....what I want to know is WHY HE DIDN'T DO THIS THE FIRST TIME! 

That’s the problem, they can’t say it will give me a high chance.  They think so.  Well, I was told the same about this.  Now I’m worse than I started.  Also reworking a sensitive area.   So, no, I’m not trusting of anything I am told.  This other method may be the standard and insurance could have dictated it.  I do find it odd he wouldn’t do the most they could,  considering my age, have arthritis, the first time.  The method he did probably works well on younger people.

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Pain is a game changer.  It can either motivate us or defeat us but it doesn't leave us unmarked.

As is depression and despair.  I’ve been locked up so long it’s become consuming.  As I keep running into, there are limited options.  One being check out totally.  This is a tough thing to face again knowing what it entails from the day of surgery thru the weeks and months after.  Sometimes not knowing is better.  This isn’t like getting a cavity filled or your vitals taken.  It’s a 24 hour a day, months on end wondering about the outcome.  At least with knees and hips they know much sooner.  But I’m being redundant again.  Doubly by typing that. 
 

To all.......💕

[KarenK]

Gwen, my heart is breaking for you. They have backed you into a corner, with surgery being the only way out to fix the mistake and end the pain. Hopefully, your recovery would go much smoother and be less painful. Is there any way at all that you can get another opinion?

[Gwenivere]

Yes, I could if I tracked down an insurance accepted doctor and had the energy to do it. I’m so drained I can’t fathom finding another doc as they would need to see me in person and I barely get around here.  I’m hoping I can tolerate a shower this coming Thursday as my biggest challenge.  Both mentally and physically.  The panic disorder also limits where I will go.  All other major medical centers are out of my comfort zone.  Trust me, I’m not looking for excuses.  It’s just my reality.  One or the other would be more than enough, but together?  Plus the mental effects of being home bound so long?  I have absolutely no reserves.  I guess they had more faith in my body.  As I’ve said, I wish they had done the more hardy repair as no one wants to repeat a big procedure again.  I did do some research and this is the only possible solution.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Now I’m worse than I started

That's how my hand surgery went, now I have severe pain continually where I didn't before, before on my right hand it was numbness, now I have both.  They want to do my left hand, hell no!  I'm not letting them touch my hands again, if they can't do a better job than that!  I thought it was supposed to be, "First do no harm!"  I didn't know it would do MORE damage!  

I know it's not an easy decision to make, and believe me I understand your trepidation and hesitation!  I don't think it's your body that's the problem so much as how they handled it, jmo.  I'd be demanding some answers!  But then they'd probably ban me...

[Widow2015]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I have absolutely no reserves.  I guess they had more faith in my body.  As I’ve said, I wish they had done the more hardy repair as no one wants to repeat a big procedure again.  I did do some research and this is the only possible solution.

Gwen:  It is understandable you feel you have no reserves after going through such a painful surgery and  recovery.  IMO you have accomplished so much even though it isn't what you had hoped for.  Sometimes life doesn't leave us much to choose from.   I agree with  Karen,  you have been backed  into a corner.  Take care, keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I woke today with the always dark thoughts.  I slept most of the night, only waking one extra time.  It should have felt nice, but I’m not used to it going by so fast and without restlessness.  I’m so twisted around.  I was up barely 10 minutes and the power went out.  I was totally cut off but my cell phone.  Fortunately it came back on within an hour as I had called Dee as I was worried about oxygen.  She was bringing lunch by later but was going to grab one and come right away.  At least i could stop the emergency and she came by later.  I’m sure I added more stress to my back resetting clocks.  Didn’t wait for help.  
 

I found a new fear.  Alone in a dark, cold, very quiet house.  Couldn’t use any technology but my cell phone.  The landline is in the kitchen where it’s hard to sit. Had this happened at night it would have been worse.  We have so little in the day, but you can see.  
 

Yup, backed into a corner. I had a remote visit with my PCP.  As always he brings up suggestions I don’t find palatable.   It’s so easy to be on the outside looking in.  I had listed his suggestions but no sense getting into them.  Let’s just say I’m getting old, but not that old.

I have Scrooged on in the background as I love Bill Murray.  We watched it every Xmas Eve.  Not tearing me up like it would on that day.  Did my walking in the halls and it always make me wonder how I’m supposed to add another month of this horrid pain before I am to opt to start it over.  5 months down the drain.  The packing knowing what I needed.  Melody is always on my mind.  It could be so long til I see her.  Coming up on 4 months now.  Even my PCP's notes say I am struggling without her as support from losing my husband.

On an ironic note, he said take the week off from thinking about it.  Like that is possible.  Trying to find stuff to watch at night is tough with all the Xmas stuff.  Didn’t even watch that in the good old days.  Wish more channels would just run good movies so we’re not overdosed with it.  
 

Off to visions of scalpels in my head.  💕

 

 

[Kieron]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

he said take the week off from thinking about it.

Easy for him to say.

Have you told Dee about this group?  I hope she knows that all of us here appreciate her being there for you in a way that we can't, being so far away.  💝

[kayc]

I wish it was so easy as take a week off from thinking about it...same with the things I'm going through, feeling oppression as going into winter, snow arriving tomorrow on, plans canceled.  Don't know if I can make my doctor's appt Thursday, that's the worst day for snow, of course.  Not going to granddaughter's ballet Sunday as there'll be snow on the roads and more coming, I could very likely have difficulty getting home even if I could get out.  Best to stay put.  Why is every invitation from them in the winter!!!  Never in the passable times of year.

Gwen, I wish I knew of a solution, honestly I have no solutions for life, my sister's prognosis is not good and still it's me that is closest to her.  Her bilker of a caregiver never did vacuum, charged her $20 to "check her mail" Monday even though nothing there and I'd already brought it to her on the weekend!  I don't see how she lives with herself.  I would not trust her in my house.  She's done zero cleaning for her.  I'd offer to bring Peggy's mail to her this month but I may/may not be able to go anywhere, I can't even count on getting to my own appts.

[Gwenivere]

Yes, I’ve told Dee about this group.  She’s a very face to face person.  Also extremely private.   I know she misses her Maria deeply.  We talk about our past memories often.   Can’t see her doing this.

Another day I’m attached to the phone.  Socially?  Nope, not a chance.  Have counseling and the spine center.  Also my shrink keeps calling.  Always interrupting.    Why he wouldn’t prescribe my meds til I talked to the surgeon I do not know.  He called again during my counseling and when I was talking with the nurse.  Why he doesn’t listen to his messages infuriates me.  Left him another about tomorrow for the times I will be tied up.  Nurse said stay ambulatory despite the pain.  All this time I have had no back support with this walker, renewed anger again.  That's weeks of healing that never happened.  Explains why I did well at rehab using a real walker for weight.  Already said it does not work on carpet. 

Checked in with my cousin.  She’s not doing well and her daughter has melanoma surgery Friday.  37 years old.  I don’t know what good news is anymore.  As always, she tries to fix.  Said I should get a cat.  I dislike cats.  If it’s not medical calls, it’s someone trying to sell me Medicare fake plans, buy my house or Amazon scams of charging my card.  Geez!  It’s 7:30 and a nurse wants to come out tomorrow.  Why not?  Let’s cram in as much stress as possible.  Now I know I’m insane.  Supposed to get the covid booster and grief counseling.  
 

I sit here realizing I haven’t lit my fireplace candles in months.  That little bit of coziness has been gone for months.  This 'desk' next to my chair.  Pick up sticks all over.  I hate clutter!   But I live in it now.  Don’t make my bed anymore.  It stays folded over open.  Top of the MW has more stuff I need access to more easily.  So much moved around.  Where did my life go?  

[Kieron]

I understand, being online isn't for everyone.   I just meant I hope she knows everyone here appreciates her offline/in-person support that we can't do for you.  🙂

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Said I should get a cat.  I dislike cats.

Haha, I almost adopted one yesterday!  Found one that was friendly, loving (saw a video of it), about four years old, good with dogs (hard to find), pure orange tabby, I've always wanted one, like peek-a-boo, the feral cat I fed for a year.  Trouble is, no one at Greenhill would answer the phone or make an appt. and the msg just said first come, first served...it's nearly a two hour drive one way when it might already be gone???  Nope...will wait for "my cat" to find me...been waiting two years.  The rescues are a pain to deal with, I could share some horror stories from my past dealings with them.  I need one to keep mice out and they add a bit of sass to the place!  I miss Kitty.

Gwen, My place has had to go downhill some the last two years since losing the loss of my hands for all intent and purposes, so I understand about the clutter, keep things simple.  Sometimes I wish a magic fairy would come throw out all of the stuff I can't use anymore, but last I looked there's just me and I can't do it.  Even my fingers stutter when I type now, never used to.  Also notice a shaking when I try to do my makeup, it is what it is.  Snow coming starting this afternoon/evening.  Moved my haircut appt. up a weeks as not sure I can make it next Tuesday, looks like it was a good move.  Will I make my doctor's appt. Friday?  They'll probably want me back there to give me the results, they can do a phone appt. then.  Everything is all about $, used to be triage would give it to me over the phone at my old place, never charged the ins. for it.  Then a dental appt next week...can I get there?  I hate appts. in the winter!  People don't get what it's like to live here.  On the other hand, looking out my front window last night and taking Kodie out this morning, this is my view of my neighbor's...they've done so much to their place, it's amazing, the most beautiful home on the street and I get to look at it! 

 

[Widow2015]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  Said I should get a cat.  I dislike cats.

Gwen:  It's funny your cousin would suggest that, it was an idea that came into my mind when you were sharing your uninvited friend that scurries down your hallway.  I understand you are a dog person.   My granddaughter has an inside cat and has been promised she can have another kitten.  Her Dad says it has to be a Siamese kitten.  So every day when I pick her up at bus stop she gives me an update on her search for her new kitten.  I think her Dad put parameters on it to keep her from finding another kitty.  Her new nickname is "crazy cat lady".

3 hours ago, kayc said:

  I need one to keep mice out and they add a bit of sass to the place!  I miss Kitty.

kayc: I agree cats add sass to a home.  I always had cats until I had Maddie then my pet choice turned to dogs.  Now, I'm too old to take care of anything other than myself.  My son still says he still wants to replace his two dogs he lost this year from old age.  But, his life is so busy he has little time left over to care for them now.  

Your neighbor's house is beautiful.  How nice for you to view every evening.

Dee

[Gwenivere]

Well, you cat ladies can keep your cats!  Cats find it a challenge when people don’t like them and that is why they hurt me, I’m sure.  Lured me in being cuddly and would bite me when petting them.  I just don’t see them as companion material.  Also seen damage they have done in others places.  Grumpy, aren’t I?  
 

Covid booster, nurse and shrink done.  Could not book an surgery date even if I can’t bring myself to do it.  Guy isn’t there so probably more phone tag tomorrow.   I know it seems I am strong, but I’m not.  I’m in a panic about it.  I’m even panicking about trying a shower tomorrow.  The new aide said I’d have to walk her thru what my former did.  With her, she had a plan in place.  I just followed her lead.  

Dee brought by a dinner and visited for awhile.  We rehashed a event that eroded some respect for Robin.  I started to get antsy about tomorrow.  She said if I don’t feel safe, don’t do it.  I hope that is not the case.  Staying so grungy will not be good.  Can’t risk heavy pain meds. or food for bathroom urgency.  I know it seems silly to be so focused on this, but the cabin fever really is the craziest of experiences.  I need something positive.  
 

Grief counseling was just OK.  I’m just stuck. I sent a check thinking it was a session ahead.  Brain scramble.  I don’t know what to say any more.  Mostly about the inner strength I am losing.  Tank getting empty and can’t find a gas station.  What do you do when you lose faith in yourself?  I try to turn to the woman I was with Steve.  She was strong.  I see more strength in you all here.  Facing the holidays, changes  and loss they trigger.   I know many face physical challenges.  I try to not think mine is worse, but I feel so vulnerable.  Helpless.  Hardware inside me.  Failed stuff.  I know Marg has had hers thru the shredder.  Dee, eyes.  Kay, hands and wrists.  
 

We'd still be as we are, but to have our partners would ease the loneliness suffering alone.  What we carry alone.  
 

This salad needs a good dousing of dressing and croutons.
 

 

 

[KarenK]

I don't think you're grumpy about cats. Dogs are just your preference as they are mine. We did have our tuxedo cat Batman for many years, but I was not close to him. He and Mickey(Black Lab) were best buds, but he hated other dogs. I saw a "House Hunters" episode where the guy needed an entire room for his large collection of lizards kept in glass enclosures. That I couldn't live with!

I hope the new aide works out well and you're able to get a shower with no problems. One less thing to worry over.

[kayc]

I wouldn't call myself a cat lady, I've always had both...until Kitty died.  Every cat I've had has been uniquely them.  I am MORE a dog person!  But Kitty grew on me, she came to me unbidden, both of us discarded and abandoned at the same time, so we related on that note, I felt for her, she'd had such a hard life, by then she was 12 and I promised her a forever home...never dreaming she'd live to 25!  She was in good health up until the end when her kidneys & liver shut down.  I guess they thought enough was enough.  She was limber and agile to the end too, could jump from the ground up to the patio, about 8 ft. higher, from a sitting position!  She is the most amazing cat I've known.  I loved how she'd demand Easy Cheese when I was on the phone, she learned how to work me, knew I couldn't hear over her loud demands and would cave in to shut her up.  She had a lot of sass and definitely cattitude!   The night before I had her put to sleep, she came to me and wanted to love on me, something she NEVER did!  It was as if she was thanking me and showing appreciation to me for the years I'd given her a home, it was as if she knew her life was ending.  I will always treasure that time.  I know I need a mouse catcher but I just haven't been able to make the move to go GET one!

None of my cats ever bit, and I've had 15.  Miss Mocha was the prettiest, blue eyes and a black heart shaped nose, so sweet, feminine, and definitely loved loving on us, adored dogs too!  She used to follow Lucky around like Pied Piper!  When we buried Lucky she peed on her grave, it was definitely a sign that she loved her.  

George (redubbed as KING George after my George and I married) was my greeter.  Also loved being a lap cat.  He was a sweet wonderful cat, lived to 19, I didn't get him until he was 6.

But I won't bore you with more.  I've loved all my animals.  I haven't seen cats do any more damage than dogs.  Arlie damaged the most our first year.  I'd let him have it all if only I could have him back!  He grew to be my best dog...until Kodie.  I can't compare, both of them wonderful, yet unique.

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I need something positive.

I agree, I hope it comes...