My Sanity Needed Vents

[MartyT]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Grief counseling was just OK.  I’m just stuck. I sent a check thinking it was a session ahead.  Brain scramble.  I don’t know what to say any more.  Mostly about the inner strength I am losing.  Tank getting empty and can’t find a gas station.  What do you do when you lose faith in yourself?

Gwen, my dear, I don't know if you are interested, but I just ran across an article about hospice and palliative care physician B.J. Miller which mentions a service he created (Mettle Health) that made me think of you.

Excerpt from the article (https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/964369#vp_1 )

In 2020, Miller co-founded Mettle Health, a first-of-its-kind company that aims to reframe the way people think about their well-being as it relates to chronic and serious illness. Mettle Health's care team provides consultations on a range of topics, including practical, emotional, and existential issues. No physician referrals are needed.

When the pandemic started, Miller said he and his colleagues felt the moment was ripe for bringing palliative care online to increase access, while decreasing caregiver and clinician burnout.

"We set up Mettle Health as an online palliative care counseling and coaching business and we pulled it out of the healthcare system so that whether you're a patient or a caregiver you don't need to satisfy some insurance need to get this kind of care," he said. "We also realized there are enough people writing prescriptions. The medical piece is relatively well tended to; it's the psychosocial and spiritual issues, and the existential issues, that are so underdeveloped. We are a social service, not a medical service, and this allows us to complement existing structures of care rather than compete with them."

Having Miller as a leader for Mettle Health is a huge driver for why people seek out the company, said Sonya Dolan, director of operations and co-founder of Mettle Health.

"His approach to working with patients, caregivers, and clinicians is something I think sets us apart and makes us special," she said. "His way of thinking about serious illness and death and dying is incredibly unique and he has a way of talking about and humanizing something that's scary for a lot of us."

Here's a 2-minute video describing his service: 

 

[Widow2015]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I try to turn to the woman I was with Steve.  She was strong.  I see more strength in you all here.  Facing the holidays, changes  and loss they trigger.   I know many face physical challenges.  I try to not think mine is worse, but I feel so vulnerable.  Helpless.  Hardware inside me.  Failed stuff.  I know Marg has had hers thru the shredder.  Dee, eyes.  Kay, hands and wrists.  

Gwen:  I gave your comment a sad emoji because you are feeling so down and distraught.  If we are comparing physical battles, I can only respond with what my challenges are.   Each one of us here face our own grief pathways; some being so young and losing their special person and some like myself had a long life  with my husband; but all of us grieve because they are no longer physically with us.  This loss puts us in the same box.   But, so far my pains are just old creaky bone pains while your excruciating bone pain you are dealing, Gwen have to be the worst I can imagine.  You are strong or you would not be able to get out of the bed and face the day and deal with the management of your life as it is right now - if you weren't strong, you would give up.   Please don't sell yourself short.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Thank you Marty.  Woke up to another nightmare day, this time reliving Ally’s loss.  Thought we’d be starting the day all together then knowing that isn’t true.  Message that bath aide was late.  Threw off lunch and meds.  Usual painful afternoon and scheduled my surgery for mid January.  Very discouraged I have to spend weeks in this so restricted existence waiting to do it again, if I do. Hoping I can handle it and it doesn’t keep getting worse.  I wish I could say the shower helped more, but it added to the pain.  Ever since I had the CT scan it’s been worse.   Had to talk the OT woman thru it as they are down an actual aide.  Hopefully next week will be better as she knows now how it’s done.  Also the chair she brought didn’t have arms that would have helped immensely.

Yes, Dee, there are no words to describe bone on bone pain in a most serious place.  Surgeon is supposed to call today as I am angry he didn’t use the stronger method.  I need to vent how this is costing me in so many ways and what signs I should watch out for to survive 6 weeks of wasted time.  Have to pay all the copays again too.  I keep reliving those long weeks in rehab.  

My brain tricked me this morning with a very happy dream Ally was still here with Melody and I.  That I’d get up and start our day as we always did.  Excitement about breakfast for them and our PB ritual at lunch.  Way back when Ally would go out for the afternoon with me.  All the talking that went on.  Our evening games.  Was hard zoning out for pre dinner nap.  Kept going to sad times with various dogs.  One very  horrid with a very aggressive dog that the breeder blamed us for and all we did was try our hardest to socialize.  That’s when we stuck to adoptions except when we got Belle.  Melody is from a breeder, but I was desperate after losing Steve and Ally was so lonely too having lost her sister and dad.  Despite her quirks, she is so frigging smart.  

At least my Dee is coming by tomorrow after shopping.  Just hoping I don’t get anxious as I have been.  It’s like a battle is now going on I am calmer being a prisoner and our time takes a lot out of me.  Makes no sense.  I guess I don’t have much to say.  She doesn’t mind.  She calls every day.  I wonder if it’s I don’t want her to care so much.  My disappointment in myself and situation not something I feelI deserve.  More effects of so much isolation.  
 

I love you all.  Marty, thank you for this haven.  ❤️

[kayc]

Gwen, I feel as Dee does, I see you as strong and courageous, even when you feel anything but!  It's not what we feel but what we do that defines who we are.  I hope if you get this surgery that it does everything expected of it!  And I don't blame you for one bit of your anger.  I would like to hear the doctor's response, I hope he doesn't justify, just apologizes, what other possible response can he give!

[Gwenivere]

The talk with the surgeon was not what I expected.  Next surgery might involve more vertebrae.  Not a good thing.   Said I’m not hurting myself doing what I do daily.  That doesn’t solve the pain I’m in tho.  There was more about rehab and staying at the hospital instead, but the hospitals don’t do that anymore.  Another option was more of a nursing facility, but you had to be able to do PT 3 hours a day.  Can’t in my case.  It would have cost me nothing with insurance so back in the major cash copays and regular rehab.  
 

Dee came by.  She was very down about something and didn’t want to talk about it.  Was a short visit.  We put groceries away and I told her to take care of herself.  I may never know what is wrong.  It’s up to her.  Just hated seeing her so down.

Made other calls to work around services for the holidays and surgery.  Supposed to be very windy and rainy overnight.  That always stresses me out.  Trying to find stuff to have on TV is a daily routine I never did.  I want to set up for when I get up so I don’t have to do massive scanning.  
 

Didn't sleep well with a restless mind.  So annoyed I have weeks ahead of this and then get to start it all over with the screaming (literally) days after surgery and weeks of laying in bed.  I know these are getting dull to read.  How much can a closed away person have to say?  Well, this is a good example.  I’m always so grateful I have it and can read what others are doing.  
 

Today is a day of no human contact.  Those are long days.  I got to wondering if I’ll fit into my jeans again.  I’ve gotten so bloated and slouched even with the 10 pound weight loss.  So much of normal life is alien now.  I can’t imagine doing my once daily life anymore.  My oxygen tubing was a pain, but with a walker it’s always getting snagged.  Well, babbling again.  Best to all.  🦋

[Kieron]

On 12/10/2021 at 2:43 AM, Gwenivere said:

Have to pay all the copays again too.

🙄 🙄 🙄

God I hate insurance, "managed care organizations" and everything to do with them.  I once met a person who came to the US from Lebanon and she was appalled at our "health care" system and commented, "You Americans, you pay so much for these insurance and you get nothing for it!"  That was an eye-opener and I have observed so much more gone horribly wrong, both personally and for other people.  Meanwhile the CEO's and other bigwigs at these "health care" outfits earn  obscene salaries, while shareholders rake in the dividends --and real people suffer.

"Babble" all you need to, Gwen, God knows you've earned the right to it.

[kayc]

Maybe buy some jeans a size larger with stretch waist, more flexible/comfortable, I used to have some.  Now I have the opposite problem, can buy size 2 jeans and they still want to fall down because I lost my butt, never thought I'd have that issue.  I should wear suspenders but it doesn't sound appealing.

I agree, with Kieron.

I think I wrote elsewhere that the gastroenterologist won't schedule a scope, instead I have to go to the valley (130 mile round trip) for a Covid test on a Sunday just to do a "consultation" three days later, also long trip, in April, THEN they'll schedule me for a scope, no idea WHEN!  Meanwhile I've already lived with this pain and not knowing what it is for a YEAR now!  If I could just live with it I would, but sometimes it hurts to eat/drink/breathe!  It never lets up.

So I'm invited for four events this month involving my granddaughter, everyone ignores the fact I'm on hazardous weather alerts and have snow, no end in sight!  Yet they never stay home in the summer so I can see them.

 

[Gwenivere]

The last thing I want to do is buy more clothes.  I have to order them as I can’t try them on at a store and I doubt at home now.  Elastic pants really sound like my giving up.  I already spend my days in lounge pants which are elastic.  Tried mail order and had to send things back.  Mostly because pants are too short.  That’s why I’ve always worn men’s jeans.  I’m just concerned I’ll never be able I’ll be able to go back to my old wardrobe or life.

 I’m sorry to hear about all the trips, Kay.   I know you love your town.  I gripe that places that were once most 10 minutes away have doubled.  I don’t understand a covid test so far away from your procedure.  That’s useless except if you were worried if you had it now.  I have to do for my surgery, but within days.  Seems they could do a rapid test the actual day.  But they stick to their weird systems.

Having a very down Saturday as usual.  They are starting to all get that way.  I’ve whined so much about it.  I tried calling a long distance friend but couldn’t connect.  Talked to Dee a bit and she was down and parked where she used to just to be alone.  Opposite of what I wanted.  Kinda watched a movie and felt trapped and useless.  Did my walking and have had over 12 hours of pain.  Nothing to look forward to.  Had some smoked salmon for dinner.  Pretty bad when this is all you can come up with to say.  Woke up from nap and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t turn the radio off.  At least Dee will be by with dinner today.  
 

Each day gets harder.   Also brings me closer to surgery.  I don’t want to move in either direction.  Just sleep.  Good or bad.  Suspended in time.  Stay there as it’s so much better than out here.  
 

My best to all of you.  🌺  
 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t understand a covid test so far away from your procedure.

It's not, they're within a few miles of each other, it's that they are both so far from HERE.  They won't let me get it at my doctor's office but then he doesn't do testing unless one has symptoms, they're limited on staff/time.

I don't think the rapid tests are as accurate.  No they only worry about getting exposed to it, I don't have it, if I did I wouldn't schedule it for April!  How is it different going for a consultation and having to have a test three days prior but when I go to my doctor I don't have to go for a covid test beforehand?  We're not even talking the procedure yet!  I'll have to go to the valley ANOTHER trip for a covid test three days prior to getting the scope which God knows when it will ever be!  Hopefully not next winter!

A horrific rockslide on the highway (only way in/out of town) last night, totalled two cars and closed the highway.  It's things like that that make me nervous to travel in the winter.  Have had Hazardous weather alert and high winds for 48 hours now...more branches down to pick up.  

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I have to do for my surgery, but within days.  Seems they could do a rapid test the actual day.  But they stick to their weird systems.

I swear  the health system is designed to make everything as difficult as possible. 

You have a hard time getting jeans long enough, I have a hard time finding them short enough!  Seems they could figure out we aren't all barbie doll size/length, what happened to tall and petite, they used to carry?

 

[Gwenivere]

Ah, another redundant day.  A little shake up with a Zoom call and Dee coming by.  But all in all, it’s the sheer being a prisoner.  I got out a new chair cover to have Dee put on so my housekeeper can wash this one.  It so obviously needs to be washed and the housekeeper will be doing a load Friday.  
 

It’s getting dark so early.  Barely 5 and the sun is gone.  Soon it will be barely 4:30.  Really makes this being home bound harder.  Got an email from a buddy back east and he was talking malpractice for the failed surgery.  If Steve were here we might discuss it for the cost it has taken.  But that would also mean finding another surgeon and that would be so much work.  I’m just very upset that the one I have now said he would have done this fix the first time given what we know.  To repeat, I’m sure, I don’t know why he didn’t in the first place given so many factors working against me.  This stirs up a huge fear of coming home again and finding it didn’t work.  
 

 Got my church dinner.  They also gave out $25 Visa's which is so nice.   I have access to CC lunches thru Dee now too.  I really depend on them to MV as it’s the easiest.  
 

I wish I had something meaningful to say.  I started this thread for an outlet.  Guess it gone back to that and it is helpful.  I check into our forum first thing after getting up to see how people are doing.  Hoping no one is struggling too much and if so, that I can still offer something.  🦋
 

 

 

[kayc]

I'm glad you got the church dinner and $25, also thankful for Dee's help!  

If I suddenly go dark this winter, it's because I have no electricity...La Nina is supposed to be unkind to us this winter...not that summer wasn't already.

[nashreed]

Gwen, I find everything you say to be meaningful. If this thread still serves its purpose, then that's all that matters. Don't ever apologize for feeling you have nothing to say. I find it all relevant and to get to know your thoughts and struggles on a daily basis gives me something to look forward to. Even if you just think you're complaining about the same ol' same ol', it lets us know that you're ok- and that's so important. We're all pulling for you here and are invested in your daily struggle.

[V. R.]

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Ah, another redundant day.  A little shake up with a Zoom call and Dee coming by.  But all in all, it’s the sheer being a prisoner.  I got out a new chair cover to have Dee put on so my housekeeper can wash this one.  It so obviously needs to be washed and the housekeeper will be doing a load Friday.  
 

It’s getting dark so early.  Barely 5 and the sun is gone.  Soon it will be barely 4:30.  Really makes this being home bound harder.  Got an email from a buddy back east and he was talking malpractice for the failed surgery.  If Steve were here we might discuss it for the cost it has taken.  But that would also mean finding another surgeon and that would be so much work.  I’m just very upset that the one I have now said he would have done this fix the first time given what we know.  To repeat, I’m sure, I don’t know why he didn’t in the first place given so many factors working against me.  This stirs up a huge fear of coming home again and finding it didn’t work.  
 

 Got my church dinner.  They also gave out $25 Visa's which is so nice.   I have access to CC lunches thru Dee now too.  I really depend on them to MV as it’s the easiest.  
 

I wish I had something meaningful to say.  I started this thread for an outlet.  Guess it gone back to that and it is helpful.  I check into our forum first thing after getting up to see how people are doing.  Hoping no one is struggling too much and if so, that I can still offer something.  🦋
 

 

 

Gwen, just wanted to tell you, how charming and friendly your post is. There is a sense of familiarity in the way you express yourself which is comforting. It's nice to hear how your day has been and what's been going on. I feel guilty sometimes when my mum calls me to ask how I am and I barely reply, just say yes or no, or just 1 word sentences. Just can't open up to the people I know, me and my two kids (son - 25 yrs and daughter-23 yrs),never talk about what's happened. It's like I have a wall inside me, it's difficult to explain. 

Best regards. 

Enza

[Gwenivere]

Did it again.....lost my post.   Basically what was to be a boring day turned crazy as the surgeon wants to move up surgery a week.  I said I needed to think about it.  I hate how hard things are now, but it terrifies me.  No one can understand what the last 4 months have been like and have done to me.  I’m looking at the dark side as he is going on vacation and perhaps anticipates problems.  Dee was here and staying positive saying he was being attentive.   I told them I had to think about it.  All the while I am struggling so much.  It’s easy for everyone, even my own bit of logic, to say go for this.  I wouldn’t even be able to be at home if it weren’t for Dee.  I’d be somewhere waiting.  To face this nightmare again (possibly more added) and hopefully (not waking up to complications right off the bat) come home and find out the results again is so scary to think of.  What my life could end up.  So I have to push it back for a bit.  I don’t want to hear hearts and flowers.  
 

On top of losing my post, I was trying to get dinner ready to heat up later and my ice maker is jammed again with a little cube.  Can’t get it out and I depend on that with my wine at night.  I’m so tired of getting frustrated.  I did get my boring calls in after Dee left.  Been up and down so much not knowing if it is making things worse.   

 No getting away from feeling dread.  Can’t think straight.  Tried watching a movie but I feel so detached.  Have counseling today, but with my 'cheerleader' one.  I really wish I could be a glass half full person.  I just can’t do it anymore.  

Hugs to you all in your challenges.  You too, Marty.  I don’t know what I’d do if you hadn’t created such a safe place.  ❤️

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, don't know if it's feasible for you, but warm air from your hair dryer might clear the icemaker blockage. My fridge is very old and the icemaker is accessible in the freezer.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

warm air from your hair dryer might clear the icemaker blockage

Good idea, I use mine on the ziploc part of my shredded cheese bags, which I can never pull apart, it frees it in seconds!

Gwen, our hearts are with you as you contemplate this decision..  How I wish I could give you some peace and respite from it all!  

[Widow2015]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Basically what was to be a boring day turned crazy as the surgeon wants to move up surgery a week.  I said I needed to think about it.  I hate how hard things are now, but it terrifies me.  No one can understand what the last 4 months have been like and have done to me.  I’m looking at the dark side as he is going on vacation and perhaps anticipates problems.  Dee was here and staying positive saying he was being attentive.   I told them I had to think about it.

Gwen:  I agree with you no one knows or understands what you are going through but we do care so much.  No wonder you are terrified.  This is your decision on what is best for you since you are living "it".  I do tend to lean towards Dee's thinking that maybe he is being attentive.  You can delete my thoughts if you want.  I have always been in the "Pollyanna" way of thinking.

Yes, those ice makers can be a real pain.  I hope you were able to dislodge the cube.  The refrigerator in my previous home would do that and now this one in my new home, is new, and it does it too.  Grrrr.  I like Karen's suggestion if you can have Dee or your housekeeper assist ?

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Good idea, I use mine on the ziploc part of my shredded cheese bags, which I can never pull apart, it frees it in seconds!

kayc:  Another good idea.  I hate ziploc bags of any sort.   I keep a pair of scissors in every drawer to open the bags then reclose with a clip or rubber band wrapped around.  I couldn't exist without scissors.  

On 12/13/2021 at 7:56 AM, nashreed said:

Don't ever apologize for feeling you have nothing to say. I find it all relevant and to get to know your thoughts and struggles on a daily basis gives me something to look forward to. Even if you just think you're complaining about the same ol' same ol', it lets us know that you're ok- and that's so important. We're all pulling for you here and are invested in your daily struggle.

James:  This is perfectly stated how I feel about all here.  You have such an amazing ability to write your feelings.  Thank you for stating this to Gwen.

Dee

[Gwenivere]

I’m keeping the ice maker going.  Eventually it tries another run and loosens the jammed one.  Don’t have a hair dryer anyway.  Think I tossed it when Steve lost his hair.  It’s just the fact of anything going wrong I’m tired of.  There’s nothing in between to make them seem like normal life stuff.  
 

I was overly tired getting up today.  Having more trouble with motor skills.  Could hardly stay awake.  My cousin thought maybe low blood sugar, but I don’t have the stuff or steadiness to check it.  I do think a bit better after lunch.  Today I took my brand meds to the kitchen because I was afraid I might need the ER.  Again, not knowing what they could do.  Already did the CT.  Start thinking it could be other problems.  Medical/mental overload.

Dee brought over a ham dinner and assembled a shower chair with arms.  Don’t know if I’ll be up for one Friday, but if so, this will help.  Didn’t do much getting up and down today.  Don’t know if that will help as I was very active yesterday.  I think I need a B12 injection, but didn’t write down the last one and how many weeks ago it was.  It hypes me a bit, but important for nerve function.  I’m usually good at keeping track.  Have a few things grabbing my attention. 😡

Geez!  Frigging nurse from home care just called wanted to change what I had as an appointment on Thursday.  I’m sick of being shuffled around! Said nope.  It’s for vitals and how I’m generally doing.  Wouldn’t set up a time for Thursday, said have to do the day before.  Last week I put it on the calendar for 3pm.  She agreed to it!  
 

Overheated my dinner for the ham.  Once thick slices almost became jerky.  Apparently meat and mashed potatoes are on different time needs.  I’m usually good at this, but the up and down to check it is a problem.  Just more proof my head is addled.  Saw how I need my housekeeper to clean things in the bathroom I’ve been trying to keep up on but can’t effectively.  Don’t want anyone to clean my toilet.  No one should have to do that but me. 
 

Guess I’ve exceeded my babbling.   Still floundering on surgery date.  Stuck in fear.

Love to all my family here.  💖
 

 

 

[KarenK]

Because I rarely sleep soundly, I'm always ready to fall asleep watching tv. Usually I haven't missed much.

I usually reheat a plate of food on 30% power for about 3 min. No overcooked meat that way.

Got our tree tonight which we'll decorate tomorrow. Unfortunately the stand cracked(unknown to us) as Robert was setting it up so the water was leaking out as he filled it. On the bright side, I had put a thick towel underneath which soaked up most of the water. He had to run to Lowes for a new stand and all is well for now😄

Hope the new shower chair makes things easier for you.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

then reclose with a clip or rubber band wrapped around.

It doesn't work when the bag is full of cheese, not enough to reseal that way, falling out all over, etc.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I think I need a B12 injection, but didn’t write down the last one and how many weeks ago it was.

Can you check your medical info online or call triage and ask them?  One thing I don't like about my current doctor's office is I don't have access to my info, but my former doctor's office did.  I may go back to the former office (different doctor though) when all this throat stuff is figured out...IF it ever is.  My current place is spread too thin to get timely access to him.  One doctor to go around is not enough!  Can also check ins. records.  My current one's isn't as plain as my last ins.

I don't understand personnel constantly changing our appts.  A huge pet peeve!  We plan our lives around it.

Kodie got sick Sun. from eating meat/veg thrown in Iris' compost pile.  He threw up a lot Sun.  He ate normal Mon.  Tues. didn't eat again and threw up more of the same last night, getting worried about him.  Horrid roads today, tomorrow am dental appt in the valley.  Today snow to the valley floor, extreme ice, wrecks.  Wouldn't you know.  I'm worried about my baby.

[Gwenivere]

We so worry when our babies get sick.  I hope Kodie gets better when his system clears whatever he got into.  It’s too bad they don’t get disgusted by things we would never ingest.  

 I’m waiting on my doc to remind me of dosage and timing on the B12.  In 4 months I only recall 2 injections.  That falls short.  Forgot to look further back on my calendar.  I kept track before surgery.  

Glad you got your tree, Karen.  No feelings of Xmas around here.  Not even on my radar except when I see commercials, late night shows decorated or on the news.  I saw a group called She and Him do a cover of Madonna's Celebrate for her tribute to Xmas.  I could handle that and is was very good.  No connection to any memories.  This isn’t the year for any I want.  Sad enough as it is.

Woke up to an insurance message the surgery was approved.  Just have to change the date to move it up.  Still gives me 3 weeks before re entering the nightmare.  I’m getting tired of hearing the sooner I go the sooner I come home.  It’s much more than that.  It’s come home and find out if the initial, tho repeated, gamble worked.  Could change my whole life.  Good, bad or not enough to have a fulfilling life.  Hard to carry that unknown.

Had grief counseling.  My great counselor.  Good day for it.  Dee called and going to try and bring some movies and my mail Netflix by.  I was in my med portal and reread my CT and had missed that 3 of the screws are failing.  Explains why it’s becoming more a struggle.  The 2 lap hall trek I keep doing so as not to sit too much.  I know PT will be harder this time from having to stop for months.  

Trying to look forward I get to have potato chips with my sandwich tonight.  Used to be a treat, but a staple now.  How things change.  Not very healthy but it’s food.  Nurse says I should be using my compression socks for the worse edema, like I could get those on and off in my condition.  Time to hobble off.  Nurse called and coming by before lunch.  

Kay, wish you could get help from the local doc.  Seems half your life is driving.  Worst time of year too.  Stay safe!  💕
 

 

[Margm]

19 hours ago, KarenK said:

Hope the new shower chair makes things easier for you.

I was PO'd my daughter got me one.  I don't think I would ever shower again if I didn't have it and I won't take a bath so stinky me would just slither away with the crap.  

Gwen, I am so sorry about more surgery.  I'm almost glad they look at me and say "sorry, we can't fix anything about you."  My sister is about to give up and I go to bed afraid each night.  Mama's prayer comes back to me "if I should die before I wake."  Wasn't it C.S. Lewis that said he didn't know that grief was so much like fear.  Well, I "fear" all the time.  I know that does not help you.  I climbed the stairs today and my sister lives on oxygen.  I so wish she had kept her state retirement.  

All I can do is hope and pray for you.  Sometimes I think God is saying "Are you talking to me?"  

All of you, I love you and I care.  In fact, prayer is all I have and I'm not sure that bucket holds water anymore.  

I have many pair of compression socks.  They tend to cut off circulation if they get too tight in any place.  I use Dr. Scholl's diabetic knee socks.  Slight compression, easy on and off and so comfortable I could sleep in them, but I don't.  

 

[kayc]

I have compression gloves, haven't noticed any difference in my pain and numbness though.  Arthritis setting in from all the injuries, bad this time of year.  Would look forward to summer if I didn't remember last summer.  Not sure what there is to look forward to anymore.

I'm glad the insurance approved the surgery, one hurdle gone, now just up to you if you want to do it.  Choice is important.  Sometimes we don't have any, like when our spouse died.  Or we get hurt.

Kodie seems better this morning, ate some of his food during the night.  Hasn't thrown up yet.

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Kay, wish you could get help from the local doc.  Seems half your life is driving.  Worst time of year too.  Stay safe!  💕

Thank you, I wish that too, I like him, but he's the only doctor in town and it's some kind of corp. always having meetings, etc.  Hard to get an appt./service.  Service is insufficient even though he IS a good doctor.  The medical is only part of it, how the place is run has an effect also.  I miss how things used to be when I worked for a doctor, that's a thing of the past.

My trek in this morning is to the dentist to reseal a tooth restoration, can't afford to lose that tooth waiting on Spring.  Dreading the trip.  Have to leave about 8:45, won't be home until 2:30 as I need to get groceries too.

[Gwenivere]

Another weird nights sleep.  Only got up once, which would be preferable but those days make me feel more shaky.  So not a great start.   I was so disappointed I accidentally wiped out the movie I wanted to watch last night.  So I’m watching waiting for Mr. Goodbar.  Very grim, but Dianne Keaton is so good.  I’m so used to seeing her as much older and gray.  
 

Nurse came and went.  Couldn’t help with a toe that hurts.  Says I need a foot nurse.  Said she would try and find one.  Got to see again how swollen my ankles and feet are.  Horribly dry.  She would have put on lotion, but I haven’t the patience.      Another 'any plans for Xmas?' and another saying no.  Dee’s not coming by as Robin had a biopsy and is drugged up.  Keeping an eye on her.  
 

Talked to the surgeons PA about if recovery will be harder since I’m weaker.  He thinks I’ll do OK and can this time tell them at rehab what home life is from experience now.  That’s a good point, but doesn’t save me from doing things all over again.  I’ll not be getting out from under that dark cloud.  Forgot to ask if I making things worse by daily stuff I have to do.  I don’t see how I can change much, but it is getting harder.  All this time home I’ve been walking without support.  Just balance from this walker.  I’m so terrified of doing this again.  
 

I was trying to organize pills and dropped a container of Tylenol.  Pills everywhere.  Too many to do one at a time with the reacher.  I managed to move them together and oped to bend over from my chair to get them.  Not smart but it annoyed me to leave them.  When I got up a couple times I’d see more.  Ugh.  
 

I have a tooth bothering me too, Kay.  I’m glad you can get yours fixed.  Mine flares up at night sleeping with my night guard.  Had this happen once before and it resolved.  It’s all swollen in the gums on one side of the tooth.  I’m sure I’m grinding my teeth more from stress.  Another long drive for you.  
 

Going to be a challenging day today.  Trying for a shower, housekeeper and Dee.  Yesterday was so little.  Feast or famine.  

Guess I can’t avoid going to bed soon.  If only all this were done when I got up.  

💖 to you all.