My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Wrote most of this last night when I thought I’d have today as a ‘normal' horrid day to finish.  Found out when I got up I’m being moved to rehab at 6 tonight which means moving into the very long next phase of hell.  I didn’t want to be here, but I sure don’t want to be there. 
 

***********************
 

Thanks Dee.  Brave?  It was more I couldn’t keep going on as I was.  The only bravery was doing this again knowing it would probably be harder and being right. 

I think my dad didn’t want me to see after he gave up fighting.  Happened after he lost his car and dog.  He was but a shadow f the man I knew.  Only got out for medical an occasional beer and burger with a cousin.

I felt the most down ever last night.  Overwhelmed by it all.  Physically so done.  It’s been just over a week and worse than the first time.  Knowing I had no choice so voluntarily taking a huge chance,  I am in a place with people trying to help me, the pain of others, but so alone and isolated.  Hearing med talk, beeping, paging, moaning, coughing and med talk all the time.  I’m so wanting to see, hear or touch Steve.  Knowing there is nothing but pain facing me, even in sleep. My mind is so compromised by that, lack of sleep and medications to emphasize it.  Writing down the smallest things to remember for the next day.  

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I discovered a dessert here that was actually too rich to eat.  An innocent looking piece of dark chocolate torte.  Looked like a sliver of pie with no crust.  2 bites in it tasted great but I couldn’t eat more.  I think if someone ate the whole thing they’d change into chocolate!  
 

The vision and driving I can empathize with.  Not to the degree you are dealing with, Dee. But dark and rain I don’t do well in anymore.  My reactions are not as fast.  I see I addressed that before.  

So stressed out about this move and especially so late. It’s like I don’t exist here anymore.  No one comes by to check on me.  It’s going to take so long to settle in at rehab.  Won’t get rapid reaction when I need anything.  Bed will be worse. I’ve never been in an ambulance.  They think the gurney won’t hurt as much as a wheelchair for transport.  I’m not sure I should take a heavy pain med as I’m so loopy with fear.  I get some Xanax at 5.  Pick up at 6.

I just don’t know what to say.  I know it doesn’t look like it.  Just moved a guy in next door who is screaming about getting food and throwing things around.  Homeless and doing drugs. Cussing everyone out.  I just want to run away but I can’t.  😢

 

 

 

[Widow2015]

Gwen:  Something told me to pick up my laptop and check on  you to see how you're doing.  And dang, it doesn't sound too good.  By now you must have been moved and dealing with your new location.  I so hope you were given enough pain meds or Xanax before you were delivered to rehab.  I don't mean to disagree, but I do think you are brave.  With the hospitals overcrowded, etc. your decision to have surgery now is bravery.  Unfortunately, without our life partners, we are forced to make decisions we'd prefer not to make.

On those days when I long for Bob's touch or his presence I reach for his cap that sits in my bedroom and inhale .... amazingly there is still his scent after 6 years.  It's a reminder I was once loved by him.   

Did they transport you by ambulance then?  I've been in an ambulance once.  About 30 years ago I had abused my old body by celebrating a week of eating the wrong foods and had a gall bladder attack.  Bob thought I was having a heart attack since he couldn't find a pulse so he called 911.  My misbehavior led to gall bladder surgery.  I was so embarrassed when the firemen came, I kept my eyes closed the entire time so I wouldn't have to look into their faces.

Maybe your new (ex-) neighbor is a sign you should be moving on ???  You don't need to have to listen to his outbursts.   I am not trying to lessen  the severity of your situation because I know you are dealing with so much.  Take care and hoping you will get some rest this evening.  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

I'm so sorry Gwen.  I used to type the pain clinic, I'm sure they still have them, but that was when the people were trying to get off the opiates.  My mom said that when the pain got so bad they should let people have Heroin.  I just looked that up and it said it was an opiate drug made of morphine, and Billy had morphine.  That was the infamous 50 pills I had plans to use, but religion got in my way.  I flushed them down the commode.  

I understand y'all with eye problems.  I know I probably need cataract surgery, will not attempt driving at night (although I did once this last year to check on my kids, who I could not reach by phone. )  I made it okay.  If I can see the white lines on the side of the road and center lane, I'm okay.  I will not get on interstate.  I just don't want to go to another doctor.  I can still read with reading glasses.)  

I got new masks in and that plastic thing you insert under the masks to help you breathe better.  The masks are washable and are 4-ply.  I'm selfish enough that I don't wear them to protect other people, I wear them to protect this sick old carcass from other people.  I get very claustrophobic and anxious.  I can't remember the sweet thing Marty's dad used to say about women and perspiration, but I passed that point and just plain sweat.  

If I was one of our "prayer warriors" like some women I know, (not making fun of them, I admire them greatly), you might be getting better.  I have crosses and Bibles all over my house, but they won't get me to Heaven, but I do give it my all each night.  I hope and pray things ease up for you Gwen, and I hope you get to go home with more mobility and even a smidgen of ease in living.  

Sometimes I have to quit digging my hole any deeper.  Felt that way a lot lately.  

[Margm]

13 minutes ago, Widow2015 said:

On those days when I long for Bob's touch or his presence I reach for his cap that sits in my bedroom and inhale .... amazingly there is still his scent after 6 years.  It's a reminder I was once loved by him.

I just pulled the king sized pillow cover with Billy's clothes in them closer last night.  The scent is still there. 

[KarenK]

I rode home in the ambulance with Ron on the day he was brought home to die. I knew home was where he wanted to be. Not a day  I like to remember.

Gwen, sure hoping the time at rehab will be better than the last and the end result will finally get rid of the pain for good. Will Dee be coming to visit? I wonder if you could get a foam pad for the mattress that would be more comfortable.

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I can't remember the sweet thing Marty's dad used to say about women and perspiration, but I passed that point and just plain sweat.  

"Horses sweat. Men perspire. But women only glow."   You're welcome. 

[V. R.]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

I just pulled the king sized pillow cover with Billy's clothes in them closer last night.  The scent is still there. 

Marg, I'm still in the phase where I can't bear to touch my loved one's clothes, I've saved a white shirt of his, that hadn't been washed yet, and I have meaningly not washed it! My aim was to keep it and 'cuddle' myself with it to be able to smell his beautiful scent. Why is it so hard to do that? It's just too painful, I try doing it now and then, but something stops me, as if this action would be a sign of the reality of what's happened: reality which I still won't /can't /don't accept.

I can't even set foot into his lovely new car still parked outside in our yard, thankfully, my daughter turns on the engine every now and then, just to stop the battery from wearing down. I know we'll have to sell it, eventually, unbearable to think about, it would be like letting him go even more... 😢

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Will Dee be coming to visit? I wonder if you could get a foam pad for the mattress that would be more comfortable.

The rules changed at the hospital back to o visitors so I’m guessing it’s the same here.  I doubt I could put a pad on as their sheets wouldn’t fit then.  
 

34 minutes ago, V. R. said:

I know we'll have to sell it, eventually, unbearable to think about, it would be like letting him go even more...

I don’t know if it’s a monetary issue, but I still have Steve’s van.  Start it now and then too.  Drive it once a year to at least get the oil changed and engine going good on the freeway.  
 

I don’t have anything that smells like Steve.  I didn’t think to save something he had recently worn.  I donated everything  I kept my fav shirt, t shirt and his infamous leather jacket.  The smell of the leather would remind me of him.  I’m not sure if I’d love it or it would hurt too much.  
 

Am in rehab now.  I do well in the actual ‘crisis' of going.  Checking in took forever.  They had all my med schedule and times but mucked them up.  Even had run out of Xanax so had to go almost 8 hours instead of 5.  Now I am severely depressed. I don’t know if there is a bottom of this hole I’ve fallen into. It feels like I was just here. Not almost 4 months.  Transported in time. They put me in a huge room that was a double once so it feels odd.  The door and bathroom are so far away, like a tunnel.  Better try and get to sleep and I can’t do it on my own without a walker.  💕

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, V. R. said:

My aim was to keep it and 'cuddle' myself with it to be able to smell his beautiful scent.

Keep it in a ziploc bag when you're not cuddling with it so the scent lasts longer.  I was very disappointed to learn George's scent disappeared so soon as I hadn't known that.  The things you don't think of!

Gwen, I'm sorry to hear they didn't give you time to mentally prepare/expect going to rehab, you'd think they could have let you know their plans along the way, I don't like sudden change, although that "neighbor guy" sounds like something to get away from!  They should restrain/muzzle him so he doesn't disturb everyone else.  They don't need that!

I hope the transfer went as smooth as possible (better than last time.)  Waiting to hear how it went...

[kayc]

I see you did post about the transfer, are they going to get your Xanax in?  Amazes me they can run out.  Don't they plan ahead, keep some things in stock?  Can you get help going to the bathroom if you need it?  I'm sorry it's so far away.

[Margm]

8 hours ago, V. R. said:

Why is it so hard to do that? It's just too painful, I try doing it now and then, but something stops me, as if this action would be a sign of the reality of what's happened: reality which I still won't /can't /don't accept.

Some music starts me crying.  Some pictures I could not look at, I can now glancingly pass over.  We all handle it differently and shorter for some, long-time for others.  I told a friend (her husband was gone about 10 years), I asked her if she still talked to her husband and she looked at me and said "your still early in your grief).  I was.  I don't do it as often and feel him as close to me, but I try to do things that do not hurt me, because no matter how "early" or "late" as my little grandma said, after 19 years, "It seems like it was yesterday."  I was him, he was me.  You will always miss that and wonder, "Okay then, who am I now."  

[V. R.]

26 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Some music starts me crying.  Some pictures I could not look at, I can now glancingly pass over.  We all handle it differently and shorter for some, long-time for others.  I told a friend (her husband was gone about 10 years), I asked her if she still talked to her husband and she looked at me and said "your still early in your grief).  I was.  I don't do it as often and feel him as close to me, but I try to do things that do not hurt me, because no matter how "early" or "late" as my little grandma said, after 19 years, "It seems like it was yesterday."  I was him, he was me.  You will always miss that and wonder, "Okay then, who am I now."  

Reading your post Marg, I had to hold back the tears at the end when you say: "who am I now, then."

That's just how I feel. I don't know who I am anymore. My role/title has been torn away from me, I was a wife, he was my husband, we chose each other, were meant to grow old together... Yes, luckily I have my son and daughter, they are his flesh and blood, they are precious to me, but what have they done to deserve this? Their loving father being taken away from them, so prematurely? 

Marg, I also have trouble walking past photos, want to look at them, then I don't. Just think, I put off doing the dusting in my bedroom, because moving around photos and personal items(his aftershave's still on the dressingtable) just makes me weep. I start yelling and banging my head against the wall. 

At the moment, I'm doing my music therapy. That's what I call it now, me and my Claudio were learning to play the piano together, and now it's become my way of crying out my grief(while I sing) and letting myself go, trying to save my 'sanity'. 

Enza

 

[Widow2015]

9 hours ago, V. R. said:

Marg, I'm still in the phase where I can't bear to touch my loved one's clothes, I've saved a white shirt of his, that hadn't been washed yet, and I have meaningly not washed it! My aim was to keep it and 'cuddle' myself with it to be able to smell his beautiful scent. Why is it so hard to do that? It's just too painful, I try doing it now and then, but something stops me, as if this action would be a sign of the reality of what's happened: reality which I still won't /can't /don't accept.

V.R. :  I agree with what Marg said.  We are all different in what gives us comfort during this Grief path.  It took me a long time to take my husband's clothes out of his closet.  I kept many of his sweatshirts to sleep in and still do.  Each time I put one on my brain tells me he's wrapping his big strong arms around me.  I also kept and wore one of his favorite jackets he wore to work around the yard in.   When I moved from my house my son took it .  Now my son wears it.  It feels good to see him walking around his yard in his Dad's jacket.  What I can't do is listen to his voice that is on a few videos we made with him interacting with his grandchildren.  They lost a PaPa that needed him in their own way.

We each have to find our own way.  I hope your way will gradually be easier in your own time.  I understand your pain.  Hugs, Dee

 

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

We each have to find our own way.  I hope your way will gradually be easier in your own time.  I understand your pain. 

This is so true.  For the first couple of years I could not look at Steve’s picture in earnest.  Many around the house, but my grief made me blind for protection.  Now I can see him.  Like you Dee, I cannot listen to his voice.  Even after all these years.  Being a musician, there are many recordings of him.  Our answering machine had a back and forth between us he wrote.  If I was home I’d do anything to answer to avoid hearing it.  It accidentally got erased but one of his buddies made a copy.   Maybe someday I can listen to his melodious voice.  😓

[scba]

I think we do what we can under the painful circumstances. IMO avoiding pictures nothing, voice messages, etc etc speaks nothing about the love we still treasure for them. I'm not early in my grief anymore and all I can say is that sometimes adding extra pain and suffering to the burden we already carry with us is unnecessary. But then, how this can be measured? It's unique to the griever.

One thing is avoiding grief. Which we know by experience that grief will find its way to meet us sooner or later. Differently is to add extra suffering while we are already grieving. It's too much. 

I can't read his emails and messages. When I do, I cry. I start crying as a baby. Because I am then totally aware of the PERSON I HAVE LOST IN MY LIFE.

I can look at pictures now but the words make this reality even more real. There will be no more words. No more!

Our best friend gave me a scrapbook with pictures to make a personal book about his life. She kept a copy to make her own. Two years ago I told her I couldn't open it and asked her what happened with her copy and she confessed she wasn't able to go there and do it. It was too painful. 

Will I ever be able? I don't know. Should I try to take a step further and little by little contemplate his emails? I'm not that brave. My millennial stepbrother said: "we weren't born to be heroes"

Millennials are wise, aren't they?

 

[scba]

Furthermore....

I've recently read an interview about a woman who earned a PHD in Philosophy and founded an NGO that provides legal assistance to mothers who lost their children to crime. Her son was murdered when he attempted to escape from his kidnappers. She told the reporters that she cannot look at her son's pictures. But she's a lawyer, she helps others selflessly, she is her mother after all! Well, she admitted it hurts her. And she's her mother. And she fights for justice.

I understand it feels like in avoidance we are sort of blaming our deceased for causing us pain.

Grief is sooooo complicated. So contradictory, I've found. 

We do what we can. And it's OK. And for today it's enough.

Peace

Ana

 

[Roxi]

6 hours ago, scba said:

Our best friend gave me a scrapbook with pictures to make a personal book about his life.

Yes i did it as well...but i'm now unable to look at the photos 'cos i feel an intense desire to see him again right now!

I can't not stand the frustration....so i avoid photos video mails...anything!

I want avoid sorrow😔

[Gwenivere]

Roxi, there isn’t anyway to avoid sorrow.  If there were, none of us would be here.  This is so hard on you right now.  So close.  The sorrow will always be with you and there will come times you will see you are feeling it because of the loss of the greatest love 2 people can feel.  ❤️ There are people that never had that.  That’s it’s own sorrow to miss.
 

First day in rehab. Problems with meds still.  Pain control a huge issue yesterday. Had done some walking at the hospital Friday. Tried walking with PT.  Couldn’t do much.  That was disheartening. Too much jostling around being moved last night.  Different mattress.  I tried walking the room a few times so I change position which is needed, but made things worse.  Gonna be a long night.  PT coming back today so I want to make sure we gear this to what I found are unique to my house, now that I know I wasn’t prepared last time.  I hope I can move.  
 

 

 

 

[kayc]

11 hours ago, scba said:

We do what we can. And it's OK. And for today it's enough.

Yes.

I'm glad Enza has her music.  That can be very therapeutic.  Not sure what I have.  Creativity helps, I used to have my art but now with my hand injuries it's all gathering dust, a thing of the past I "used to do."  That would pain George.  He loved watching me, he said I made "happy noises" like singing and humming and stuff.

Roxi, I bought stuff to do scrapbooking of his life, I never could.  It's been 16 1/2 years, doubt that'll ever happen.  I have the tools, supplies, knowledge, but some things are just too painful.  Even if not for my hands.

Gwen, wishing you well with your PT today, boy they don't even give you a day to recover from your move!

 

[V. R.]

It's so true that grief is always there even if you try to avoid it. In fact, I avoid looking at photos, videos, mails, I avoid opening wardrobes, drawers, cupboards,  anything which is directly linked to my love,and where his personal belongings lie, still untouched. 

It took me a long time to find the courage to finally get some photos printed that were on my mobile, and I bought a set of photo frames for them, too. I've only managed to place a few of them around the house, the others are closed safely in a drawer, and I've only looked at them  two or three times. There is a part of me that wants to take them out every day and hold them tight against me and kiss them and never let them go. However, the other part of me prevails:no, can't look, reminds me too much of all we had together(as if I needed reminding!!), it will be like admitting to myself that he's really gone. No, I'm not ready. For me, my Claudio is still here. My mind, my heart just can't let go of him yet. 

 

[V. R.]

Yes, Kay, my piano and my singing (all very amateurial, of course), help me to save my sanity. I can cry out/scream all my sorrow and suffering, "mi sfogo' as we say in Italian ('pour out' my grief). 

A good idea about the scrapbooks, like Ana and Roxi also said, but I agree with you all, just too painful. 

Kay, I was moved when you said about how your George would watch you painting. It would be a lovely scene to paint. 

Gwen, hoping it will all get better for you. We are all cheering for you. 

Enza

[Roxi]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

there isn’t anyway to avoid sorrow.  If there were, none of us would be here.  

Thanks Gwen to take time to give me a good advice...

I'm resigned to always feeling pain for him....and how it could be otherwise ?

He was my love my soulmate my everything...i recognized him immediately when we met!

What scares me now it's about losing that little balance i've achieved 'cos i want too much see him arrive with his wonderful smile...

This can free again the despair of his absence!

A big hug Roxi

[KarenK]

During this discussion, I looked over at our family photos that are displayed. There is one each of Ron and Debbie, taken after cancer had ravaged them. You can almost see death hovering in the background. Those are hard to look at. Then I discovered I had unintentionally placed a happy photo of each of them next to the sad ones. Somehow those soften the blow. I don't know if that makes sense, but they are all a part of the life we lived together. As hard as it is, I have adapted to it.

[Kieron]

As it happens, last week I had a repair technician repair my old phone from 2016, the one with a broken screen, thinking I would try to recover photos from before my life went sideways.  Alas, it's not to be.  The screen was repaired but somehow a pattern passcode got set up which I don't remember ever doing, and nothing seems to work to unlock the phone.  If I try to do a "factory reset" of the phone, then it erases everything, photos and all. 

Maybe it's just as well.

[MartyT]

And I imagine this feels like yet another loss for you, my friend, and I am so sorry for that.

After my father died, I kept a reel-to-reel audio tape of what I thought was a recording of him playing his banjo and singing favorite old songs with his older brother. It took years for me to work up the courage to listen to it so I could hear my father's voice again. Finally I paid someone to convert the tape to a CD, only to discover that the recording contained only his brother's voice ~ nothing with my father's. It felt like a kick in the gut . . . ❤️