My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Oh Kay, so sorry to hear about your friend. I believe Iris has been fighting cancer also. Poor thing.

Are you looking after Jazzy right now? Can you bring her to your place or is it your gate that's off track? It's too cold out for a dog to stay outside, isn't it?

[kayc]

No it's their gate.  I can't walk her, I don't have the strength, she's a full blooded husky. 
They're way off on their weather predictions nights about 13 degrees colder.The gate guy didn't show up again, it's stuck open and off rail.  Jazzy got home and we went down there, both dogs free and stayed in the yard like good kids (had to watch Jazzy like a hawk).  I was so proud of them!  Iris' SIL came and got the gate on.  Today I'll let Jazzy out of her kennel three times, was going to go to Bible Study but this trumps that.  ICU opens at 8 and it takes 1 1/2 hours to get there so they'll leave at 6:30 am.  Mike is coming home on Hospice but don't know when.  Heart at 20%.

Yes, Iris is the one that's been fighting cancer, she's supposed to get her port removed. When IDK.

The dogs are fine outside for an hour, I don't know about all day, right now it's in the low 20s.  Predicted 37, ha!

[Gwenivere]

Was a terrible day Wednesday.  Tuesday night totally drained me with all the fighting.  Alcohol came in as well, but Dee started angry from the time spent with friend and her husband , who is a Christian, who made very strong opinions about-me.  Because I have a license plate holder saying 'born again pagan' and a  Darwin fish that has 'fish and chips' in it.  These Christians labeled me a heathen.  I’ve found group religions people very hypocritical all my life.   Including my family’s Catholicism.  I believe each person’s belief should be respected unless it includes harm to others.  Anyway, it was that and Dee's already stirred up anger and then drinking too much to take.  But not the place for religion.  

She’s moved on about how I don’t like cats.  She is correct about that.  But I agreed to try it.   Talked it over in counseling.  Jinny thought it might be good to have a pet and a dog is out.  I might come to like it.  Dee says she won’t have slips which is something she can guarantee.  I’m going to say it goes if she does.  That I haven’t told her yet.  She must agree to that.   
 

Almost made it through a day.  Had a telemed with the surgeon who feels the surgery is probably not for me.  Not that I want it.  So I'm supposed to talk Dee into a cat now and hear the doctors can’t help my pain?  This is absolutely nuts.  And there was more stuff with insurance  about the pain clinics medication.  Wish I could just be left alone.  The very thing I hate too.  😰
 

 

[KarenK]

Hope it works out getting a cat and also that you have an out of the way place for the litter box. I hated that the odor of cat pee and litter permeated anything in the vicinity. I had to wash a bunch of stuff from a closet near our cat's box after he died. Hate seeing you forced into something not your preference.

Not sure I'd classify those people as Christians, more like judgemental fanatics.

[Gwenivere]

I talked to Dee today.  I was honest and said I didn’t want a cat.  There is so much around the house that could cause trouble like my oxygen tubing.  Getting tripped.  The birds.  She agreed.  If something happened to her I couldn’t take care of it and probably gotten attached.  She said it was selfish on her part because I can’t have my own dog.  Another fear now is she could use this against me if she gets drunk.   She said she wouldn’t, but I pointed out she can’t control that. I am surprised she acknowledges it’s not fair.  
 

Counseling was OK.  Jimmy suggested calling a senior center to find someone like Dee. Someone that can come by and get me set fr the day.  Not an agency that comes for 3 hours as I don’t want someone just hanging out or for showers.  I have a bath aide.  I do need shopping and set up to MW dinner.  It would be very long days between tho.  That darned trapped feeling.  But I'd need help with bulb’s burning out and little things as they come up. 
 

Gads, another fight about a change in the shopping list.  I changed how many bags of potato chips I wanted and Dee went bonkers.  Yelling at for being a difficult woman.  How she does everything for me to be perfect. I never asked for that. 
 

This is all too coincidental to happen almost nightly now just after dinner. ANOTHER    discussion today. Then she is lucid and makes sense.  Last night was also about wanting her mother who gave her away and nothing to live for.  

so another wasted post.  I’ll try again today.  Maybe torture myself with my insurance about pre authorization the pain clinic treatments.  For now I’ll getting ready for horrid sleep.  Thought it was Saturday today.  3 days of her here to start the day.  Thanks for putting up with me. 💕
 

 

 

[kayc]

28 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Last night was also about wanting her mother who gave her away

OMG.  I had a mom I only wish gave me away!  Get over it!  When you're a grown-axx adult get therapy if need be!  It's not on everyone else to deal with!  IMO...I'm sorry, nothing worse than a drunk.  You've talked to her and talked to her, she agrees and then reneges.  I'm glad you talked about what's available, maybe they can find someone, I keep thinking you need a caregiver liker my daughter.  Gosh, she's so darn sweet, and so capable!  She is so good with people.  There has to be others like her!  I'd hope so anyway.

31 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Maybe torture myself with my insurance about pre authorization the pain clinic treatments.

What you do for fun...not!  I hope there was something good on t.v. to watch!

Took Kodie to rescue Jazzy from her pen, they played 1 1/2 hours, really hard and were so good!  Took him down later for another hour.  Went to bible study, left early so we could let Jazzy out again, got there, driveway packed, tons of family there so we left.  Another day like it today.  Mike is out of ICU but still dying.  

[Gwenivere]

Another day of finding out Dee got drunk again.  The black out kind that she remembers nothing.  I can’t say I really didn’t know, but sometimes it was those crazy pills she was given in.  Those are gone now tho.  We talked over triggers. I’m sure it won’t solve the problem.  She needs to learn how to handle this on her own 

The depression is consuming me.  Also how physically I keep getting so uncomfortable.  I so want to be interested in something.  I hate being so repetitive here.  I always thank you all for that.

The drama goes on between Dee and Robin.  For all the time it takes up around here I'll be glad when it’s over.  Dee's trying but I don’t think Robin will.  Plan is to move her van here but I think R will give up that leverage.

 I’m having so many tremors all day now.  It’s maddening.  Makes eating very difficult.  Trying to write, pick up things, especially small and take care of myself hard.  Makes putting my hair up tough.  Affect’s using eating cutlery and showers.  It has to be neural.  It’s been increasing with the pain.  
 

We’re having some nasty weather with rain and high winds.  I was glad to see the weather is finally easing up for me midwest and east is finally going back to normal.  All those people endured so much.  
 

Have to contact some pharmacist for the pain clinic, I think.  I’m so confused between them and the surgeon.  Found out my doc didn’t sign a  referral for days.  Messaged him to please do so.   
 

Tme for beg routines.  Hoping  I don’t fall so deep into the dark mood.  Wish I could sob, I know that would help.  I know why it’s called a good cry.

 

[Gwenivere]

I went thru a bunch of paperwork I had stacking up.  Putting most in the recycling.  Can’t do much of anything with most of it.  If it’s really needed they’ll send it again.  Missing a referral I need.  Already told my doctor.   I thought my talking to the Pain Clinic pharmacist was video, but it’s phone.  I hate those plus I have to wait for them to call.  I use the speakerphone, but can’t do the flash as it drops everything.  I know it sounds like a small thing, and is, but it’s annoying when you’re so down.

Movie time was interrupted as Dee decided she needed to talk to me about Robin halfway thru it.  Last night the witching hours came again.  All about how much she loved Maria, I don’t really care about her, I live with my nose in the iPad, I'm boring, I hurt her (let’s forget all the time we spent to figure out how to fit her van here so she can end the Robin crap), my kindness of helping her and other support in her mental grief and  helping monetarily when needed . She loves me then she doesn’t.  Always after dinner for hours.  She’s in her room room and. I’m praying she stays there til tomorrow.  Again, taking up time here again.

It's time to pick up my pain meds.  Hopefully that will happen today.  They’re ready.  I’ve got referrals coming out my ears.  My portal says I can schedule online but I couldn’t get it to work.  Church dinner tonight.  Hoping it’s healthy.  Need salads for the week. 
 

Off to bed.  Hugs to all.  💕
 

 

 

[kayc]

Hmm, your first post didn't show yesterday when I looked, that is odd.

Gwen, your life sparks empathy in me, I just wish there were a better solution as I don't feel Dee is it but there it is, another day in paradise...not!  And the doctor who dropped the ball, what is wrong with people!

I called the hospital yesterday morning to find out if Mike made it through the night, I held and held and held...over ten min. went by, no "Good morning, Riverbend! How can I direct your call?" instead just me holding indefinately.

Iris beeped in, Mike was unresponsive.  Took Kodie to play with Jazzy, Iris car there (sleeping I presume) but Mike's daughter's car was gone, yet Jazzy outside.  Thought that odd as they don't just leave her like that.  Found out on FB that Mike passed.  Planning a memorial with family in ID, and a potluck remembrance later on here.

I called my condolences, got an answering machine.

My cellphone quit Thursday, I'm not up to dealing with it.  Apparently cell towers here cover 3G but not 2G.  I just got used to it, takes me a long time for me to feel at home with one and then they quit supporting them.

Internet out yesterday, had to call them twice, half hour each time and the waiting game.  First they said tech issues, second time they said weather related (where it sends not here).  Hmm, I don't believe in coincidences that much.  Talking off the top of their head to appease me?  Foreigners, couldn't understand them.

Pouring rain today.  I am really going to miss Mike, most of the time the only person I got to see/talk to in a day.

[Gwenivere]

I’m sorry about the loss of your friend.  Even celebrities we’ve enjoyed are declining.  Sadly that is our demographic.  I had to upgrade my phone a couple of years ago too.  The tech stuff is just annoying, the loss of people is hard.  I’m  not close to anyone like. I was.  
 

Dee was drinking again. It’s getting so convoluted.  I  have to check out a resource I may have to pay and train for my needs and have her leave.  That has me  scared for the loneliness and depression factor, but I can’t keep taking the emotional and verbal abuse.  The I have to repeated talks.

Had my Zoom chat with Nina.  It was the typical.  She suggested another show.  Life is so much TV.  
 

Need to contact my doc again for a  Cologuard  kit.   These. Docs say they will order things and forget.  So I call my insurance to see if there is a problem and told no, threy do pay but have no billing.  Back to me contacting him again.  Sometimes I wonder who’s the doctor.  Since I don’t have a DEA#, he is.  I've never had to talk to my insurance so much.  

So much for a healthy meal last night.  Cheap cheeseburger and cold greasy fries.  I replaced the fries with chips.  Too lazy to come up with anything else and I. and had to hear too numerous repeats of Dee and Robin’s talk at the church.  I’m just hoping her van fits alongside the driveway.  If Steve’s van wasn't here, no problem.  Don’t have the energy or emotion to sell it yet.  Anyway………

Also have to prepare for a shower Tuesday.  
 

💕

 

 

[KarenK]

I think one of these days you're going to finally hit rock bottom with Dee and show her the door. I believe I would choose loneliness over being screamed at most of the time and having to walk on eggshells. Surely she is contributing to the depression. Even if you have to show a new person the ropes, it might be worth it.

[kayc]

Phone started working again, might have been the Verizon cell tower, who knows.  Just glad it's working.

Reeling from Mike's death.  It's hard going there for play dates and no Mike.  Jazzy is depressed.  I can't imagine how hard this feels for Iris...well I can, it's hard.  We've all been there.  

I am leaning towards what Karen said, I'm not you though, just for me, I like peace and it strikes me she's committing elder abuse.  You may not be old but with your infirmities it applies.  She could be prosecuted, she's damn lucky she isn't.  She doesn't realize her own poison and toxicity.

[KarenK]

I'm very sorry about your friend, Kay. Do you think Iris will stay or move with relatives now since she is ill?

[Margm]

On 2/5/2023 at 4:35 AM, Gwenivere said:

She’s in her room

There was a time people would be thankful for this.  I still think some people would be.  I hope you find someone that can be a companion and not a millstone around your neck.  You have enough problems without having to pick her up.  I'm saying this and also knowing it is none of my business.  That girl does not know how lucky she is.  It is cold out there.  

[Gwenivere]

I woke up with a mild full of nevers.  I'll. never walk close to normally again.  I’ll never wear jeans, shoes, drive, shop, cook, clean, take a shower, sleep, volunteer, just occasionally take pills, have a dog or eat again.  So much is gone forever.  I don’t feel missed.  I know I mean everything to Dee.  I guess that is what complicates so much.  The pill thing is really annoying.  I can’t even remember what it was when I only had the anxiety disorder to deal with.  I know it was simpler.  But back then I was very functional.  I'd love to trade these gazillion bottles I have for just Tylenol. Maybe a xanax now and then.

Dee's been having extreme funks every night now.  Getting very tedious.  I just end them as quickly as I can.  
 

Damn, she’s in very bad head pain.  She won’t let me call  anyone.  I think it’s from falling asleep. I’ve got to tend to this…….

 

 

[kayc]

Your life isn't one I'd ask for, but then in some ways neither is mine.  I never dreamed my hands would cut me out of their lives like they have, too young to be incapacitated in this way, but here it is.  I do what I can, hire the rest or do without.

I'm feeling the aloneness very much since Mike died and it hasn't even begun to hit yet...
Tried to help Iris yesterday, she'd already thought of everything. (Soc. Sec. Cremation, life ins.) my cellphone isn't working again, must be cell tower, worked great Sunday.   Iris scheduled the memorial for Sunday, the 12th.  (The day before she'd said in the Spring, I think her mind was all over the place then, it'd just happened)

Watching Jazzy today...

[Margm]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Damn, she’s in very bad head pain.  She won’t let me call  anyone.  I think it’s from falling asleep. I’ve got to tend to this…….

 

See, that is why I wonder if Dee being there, even if she is another pain you have to put up with, I wonder how much her being there puts your mind on helping someone else, even though you are not really able, you want to find a way.  In that respect, she is a pain, but one you take care of, even though she is there to help you.  Maybe being needed does help you.  Again, none of my business.

[Gwenivere]

For some reason my post disappeared from Monday night and I know I submitted it.  Isn’t the first time this has happened.  
 

Had a terrible day around Dee.  Like clockwork she has been changing at dinner to brooding and angry.  Usually about Robin.  Maybe it’s good it disappeared as it had a long paragraph about the early evening.  She fell asleep during the movie and woke with a massive headache that was frightening.  I wanted to call 911 but she wouldn’t let me.  She took some prescribed ibuprofen and I made her.go to bed.  Checking in on her I startled her with her PTSD but she got back to sleep.  I was worried all night.  When I got up she hadn’t been up and I checked right away.  She was alive.  I was that worried.   She’s better today but I’m still concerned.  Don’t know what will happen at the witching hour.  
 

Spent my day on pre authorizations.  So many lost or put in wrong.  4th call to return a medic pendant I didn’t need.  3rd time I was told they will be sending the right label soon.  About ready to trash this box.  It’s so in the way..

Had m shower and my hair trimmed.  Usual plus depression.  Added worry as I said so very hard with techie phone calls.  Right on time Dee went whacky.  Hours on hours.  She says she ingests nothing.  I'll have to ask in the morning again.

 Hope this pos5s and the words aren’t alerted by whatever it does.  I always double  check it.💕

[kayc]

Is she prone to migraines?  I feel the worry you have for her...I'm glad she was better yesterday.  Headaches can be from so many things, it's hard figuring it out.  Hoping your day goes better today.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you Kay.  Alerted a headache Tuesday night.  Dee did get drunk again however.  Was at wits end.  Told her I have lost all trust in any promise’s anymore.  She  can’t identify the trigger.  Extreme depression.  That is always there.  Always hits when she walks to the grocery at night.  She did all the Wednesday night chores and feeding sick.  Gets her blood draw today and follow up in a week.  
 

Still working on getting her van over here.  I’m providing the space, another the tow or battery.  

Talked to the pain clinic pharmacist in the afternoon.  I’m very nervous about the change to a pain patch while dropping the oxycodone.  I requested he see if my doctor there can talk to me before or scheduled March appointment.  They have me scheduled scheduled for 2 days with 2 different docs.   Makes no sense. I think l'll ask they talk to my PCP to keep him in the loop.  Scheduled another appointment with the surgeon to say I I can’t even consider the surgery, which he suggested I take time to do and also thought would be too risky. The bone density scan would just provide info on how bad it is.  I can’t decide if it’s worth the trip and results to do.  I mostly want to know how quickly this is going to progress.  How much time I have before I have before giving up.

Have. counseling today.  It was good to have a  reasonable evening.  Off to a usual overnight.  I did have some kinda  f un dreams.  Sure would like more.

 

 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I have no experience with alcoholism, but I would imagine that Dee has good intentions and even believes that she can just not take a drink. It's like being a drug addict or a smoker. Your body craves the stuff and it takes a strong willed person to quit cold turkey. I watched Ron go from a 3 pack per day smoker to a pipe for a couple of weeks and wham, he just quit. He even had a whole carton in the fridge which went in the trash. I don't want to quit but am sure I couldn't do it like that. Would Dee go to AA meetings or does she already? Just sounds like she needs some help and would be so much better off. She is destroying both of you.

Sounds like a mistake in scheduling at the pain clinic. 2 doctors..2 days? What kind of pain patch?  Just more calls to make to check other people's accuracy...

[kayc]

29 minutes ago, KarenK said:

it takes a strong willed person to quit cold turkey.

That was my sister Peggy before her and Bert got married.  (She was an alcoholic, quit cold turkey).  This made me smile.  Strong-willed!  Yep, that was her!  Sometimes it came in handy, other times it drove us nuts!

It sounds like Dee would benefit from an anti-depressant...if she's on one it's not working.  She needs to see a doctor about it, one that listens and gives a rip.

I'm glad you had an okay evening Gwen.

Yesterday Jazzy did not want to play, it's heart-wrenching.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks to both of you.  Dee doesn’t go to AA and won’t at his point.  Perhaps I can make it request to stay here.  She had been on an antidepressant but it was wrong for her.  I think another try with another would  be good and bring that up too as she has an appointment next week about the bloodwork.  She is illogically stubborn which angers me.  General conversation is so judgmental from her.  I don’t say much now.  Just internally shake my head.  
 

Counseling went well.  Jimmy helped me with several issues.  Biggest being not to se ll  Steve’s van t o De.e.  Would be a very bad idea  like family loans.  But 'm a head of myself there.

Housekeeper coming today.  Much needed laundry and rugs.  Deep dusting.  I like seeing Larenna too.  She's ……….normal.

off to bed.  Waiting on the pain clinic changes until I talk to the doc.

[KarenK]

I would think that heavy drinking and antidepressants would be a recipe for disaster. Another good reason to quit.

You haven't seen dust until you've lived in the desert. Maybe the same way when you lived in NM. Add in dog hair and it's a nightmare. Just another thing I have learned to live with. No longer have the stamina for much cleaning. I used to be an immaculate housekeeper....

[kayc]

We have heavy snow coming, all next week we'll get it but the worst being Monday night over a foot...

Antidepressants AND alcohol WOULD be a recipe for disaster!  Yet she needs help clearly and isn't helping herself...