My Sanity Needed Vents

[nashreed]

Surviving the day... Does it matter? 

I feel so sad for you Gwen, and KayC. Good people who don't deserve to be hobbled and constrained by limitations and people who just don't care. Why is fate so cruel that you're left in such a lonely situation? 

I admire you so much KayC, that you're still eating well and conscientious of your health. I don't care about my own and will probably be sorry for it later. I have Type 2 Diabetes, but I just don't have interest in cooking or eating healthy. I suppose it's from my mother not being a cook.  Annette tried so hard to get us to eat better, but now I just can't get motivated. I mean, my mom subsists microwave dinners and chocolate milk and is 86 with no real health issues, so ya never know. 

I have no interests except music- buying CD's off eBay even though I have thousands. Hoarding or collecting or whatever is what I've always done and it's all I have now. No music stores to work at, so I have my own little one to curate. It gives me something to distract myself from thinking of the life I lost. I mean, I literally lost my life when I lost Annette, but I'm still breathing. I don't know why. 

I'm so sorry that you're in pain, Gwen. I just wish that life was fair, but it's not. It really makes me question my faith and what this all is. 

Sorry to butt in to your discussion. It's just one of those days. I'm like, beyond depressed into this uncharted realm of malaise and ennui that is my reality. It's like walking through a haunted house attraction and you never know when the ghouls are going to pop out at you. I'm just trying to get through it, without not letting the annoying spooks (depression triggers) affect me. 

James

[Margm]

I always said I wanted to die of boredom.  Might get my wish.  I will keep my back room open for either of the "girls" if they cannot get along with each other.  Has to find a life for herself eventually.  My daughter will help gladly, but acceptance from the young one has to come eventually.  I won't be here probably, but I won't have to worry about it then.  Billy's favorite grandchild.  Beautiful, talented, but something missing.  Counselors say not to push, and we really can't.

My sister looks like she was a prisoner in Auschwitz. She eats, still on chemo, cannot gain weight.  Another surgeon to talk to.  We will handle it. 

I do feel dead inside already.  I think sometimes that must be how widows feel, just a side effect of our being alone. 

Today my oldest grandchild is 39.  She was born in 1983, right after I had begun my cancer fight.  My son looked at her and said "She was no Tiffany, she was an Angel."  That became her name, and she has had her share of strife also.   Job 14:1:  KJV: Man that is born of woman is of few days and full of trouble."  I'm sure that covers all men and women.  

One good thing I can say, and yes, I am more depressed than usual, is this.  We have the Cincinatti Bengals playing tonight.  Joe Burrow, the QB, played at LSU and he is Louisiana's adopted son.  His real home, his born to home is Ohio, so I suppose he is home.  Louisiana pulling for an Ohio team is strange.  He has a jersey that spells his name Cajun "Burreaux" and we love watching him play.  

Kay, you have to allow for Eggbeaters being liquid, 1/4 cup equal one egg.  So might cut down some on a recipe if it calls for more liquids.  That is my breakfast most mornings, either French toast dipped in Eggbeaters, or just Eggbeaters in an omelet with shredded cheese and Real Bacon bits.  I buy whole eggs for Bri, but I have not eaten eggs, probably since Billy and I took vacations, and that was well over seven years ago.

Gwen, I still think Dee probably makes some things worse, but then again, she might take your mind off your pain for an instant or two.  She certainly is a problem for you to handle and maybe that might be okay.   

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

Sorry to butt in to your discussion. It's just one of those days. I'm like, beyond depressed into this uncharted realm of malaise and ennui that is my reality.

You don’t need to apologize.  That’s what these forums are for.  It’s helpful &or people like  me to see I’m not alone in the same way.  I almost wish I had a collection ‘problem'.  But I see yours is not really all that satisfying.  We’re desperate for purpose again.  I overdid it with stuff for the dogs and our food when there was an us.  There is so much despair now.  When the shopping is done, it’s all different now.  Miss those touches.  

 

16 hours ago, Margm said:

I do feel dead inside already.  I think sometimes that must be how widows feel, just a side effect of our being alone. 

Yup.  Know the fe e ling well.  I’ve bee n 'dead' a long time.  That void is never filled again.  I still cry, get triggered by new things that come up I never thought of.  Hear some music I haven’t in years, a memory out of the blue.  Being alone sometimes i s easier.  Not hearing so much of what is missing.  
 

16 hours ago, Margm said:

Gwen, I still think Dee probably makes some things worse, but then again, she might take your mind off your pain for an instant or two.  She certainly is a problem for you to handle and maybe that might be okay.   

I have a lot to say about this . I’m going 5o edit this today.  Lost so much time to this again and I have to sleep.  Have less than an hour to myself before bed rituals.

******************

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

Sorry to butt in to your discussion. It's just one of those days.

You're not butting in, this is open to anyone, what is neat about this forum.  And if you knew how easy Keto has been for me, you'd try it!  Like 70 second mug cakes, or 90 second bread.  SO easy!  I love it.  I never use my oven, microwave and air fryer or burner.

My mom was much the same as yours except she followed what doctors said with eating which I realize now is all wrong.  Yet she lived to 92.  She got dementia, which Keto can reverse, we didn't know then.  Same with my sister Peggy.  At least I'll stave it off but I really don't want to live into my 90s!  I'm 70, I want to live as long as Kodie, that's it.  Ha!  We get what we get.

Marg, so sorry your sister looks like she's starving in spite of eating.  Chemo can really affect the appetite, I'd be on a diet to gain weight if I was in that situation.  You and your family are close, always there for each other, I admire that.

17 hours ago, Margm said:

she might take your mind off your pain for an instant or two.  She certainly is a problem for you to handle and maybe that might be okay

Ha, there might be some truth to that.

Yesterday I was ready for church, took Kodie out to walk him and was stunned...the road and my place were COVERED in branches!  Wind 45 mph going strong (Oakridge only 5 mph), walked and picked them out of the road, on our way back there were as many again!  Some were really huge and I realized if one fell on my car or us, it wouldn't be good so we went home and stayed put.

Gwen, hope today has something good in it for you, maybe a meal or something to watch on t.v.  I've figured out my new Dish receiver but oh God how I hate it!  New and "improved" it is NOT!

[kayc]

I thought you all could relate...

[Gwenivere]

On 1/15/2023 at 9:59 AM, Margm said:

Gwen, I still think Dee probably makes some things worse, but then again, she might take your mind off your pain for an instant or two.  She certainly is a problem for you to handle and maybe that might be okay.   

Found out this morning she took the antidepressant we already knew made her unaware of what she is doing. We threw out the pills today.  It’s so hard balancing living with her.  She’s all that stands between me and a nursing home.  Even my counselor refuses to go to one of those.  She has a plan to die at home.  I had 25 years to see what that kind of life is.  Works for some personalities, but not mine.  No family, friends or pets.  Ignored for hours when in need.  Little attention when you get it. 
 

Have Braking Bad running in the background.  H helps a little in t(he exaggerated depression.  I’. m seeing Dee keeping busy. Stuff I'd like to be able to do.  I’m still resentful of her freedom.  Only thing I’ve tackled today was a double order of an iPad cord.  II need to see how Tuesday is. Less despair than today not being so dramatic without t(e meds Dee  took.  
 

Trying to get prepared for another day of Dee being home.  Will be so glad there are C Center days coming up.  She’s not a problem during the day, but no going there make the late nights whacky.  Another night of analyzing how I act or don’t.  This is when her illness manifests itself.  Worst time for me.  Anyway………

Got the final 2 episodes of B Bad recorded to watch when movies run short.  My fav show that was marathoned today.  Places are open again to create problems.  Let the week begin.

Kay, hope your hands are. Holding up.  

[kayc]

My right hand (wrist where they cut) was hurting bad last night and Kodie licked it a while, it helped, it really did.  I love that he intuitively knows.  The burn on my left palm is still tender but greatly improved.  Skin cancer removal healing, not using bandage anymore on it but a touch of Vaseline, they said keeping it moist helps.  Funny, I've been using Vitamin E on my lips for a long time (chapped) and I've discovered Vaseline helps way more!  Ha, what do I do with a ton of Vit. E sticks now!  Oh well, a good problem to have.

30 degrees out, it didn't get above 36 yesterday.  At least we didn't have the high winds that we did Sunday!

I hope your weather is holding up, Gwen!  

[Margm]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

30 degrees out, it didn't get above 36 yesterday.  At least we didn't have the high winds that we did Sunday!

Up in the 70's here.  We have only had 2-3 days of winter weather at Christmas.  I'm sure all the little bulbs and trees are blooming out.  They will be damaged by the cold we have to have yet.  Slight chance of tornadoes tomorrow, rain will start then, but then warm weather forecast afterward.  

I'm alone again, which is probably good for me and my granddaughter.  My daughter has made mistakes, but she is the thing that is needed now.  

They brought me a new microwave yesterday.  I had picked out (for the last six years) a tiny microwave because it was red, tiny and cute, and almost useless except to warm things. I mentioned needing a bigger one, and Kel brought one in Sunday, too heavy for me, but she sat it up.  So, since I do not cook, I will buy TV dinners.  My chief meal is Eggbeaters omelet.  Can't have onions and stuff like that, but can have a tiny amount of cheese and real bacon bits.  Oh well, enough of that.

Gwen, I'm so glad you have someone to help you, and maybe sometimes the aggravation might be good.  You seem to help her.  You watch over her and she watches over you to some extent, even if her fussing (which you seem able to shut out) is good, in its own way.  She has her problems, but I'll bet we all have our problems, some more horrid, some just aggravations.  

I'm sorry for all your cold weather, but say a little prayer (if you do those things, and some do), for us when the cold stomps on us with hot air meeting cold and tornadoes blowing us away.  Those poor people in California.  Too much drought and fires, and now too much water, mud slides, floods, and all kinds of calamities.  

Stay as safe as you can.

[KarenK]

Three days of off and on rain here. Not heavy, just the soaking kind that helps the weeds grow. Lots of snow in the mountains, roads and schools closed. Would love to be there, but inside by a toasty fireplace. Those days are over....Never hurts to dream.

[Gwenivere]

We are in our consistent winter blahs.  Dark, rainy and about 40-45 degrees.  Ten degree drop overnight.  My house is old so temps vary by room despite the thermostat.  Convince location in living room which has the most vents.  
 

Marg, Dee has mental issues that are becoming very difficult to deal with.  Last night was another late night discussion that got me twisted into knots.  It’s mostly late when I need to unwind for bed.  Really dread that time.  Don’t know what it will be today but no doubt it will happen.  
 

I was reading in another thread about how we see the world now.  So much luster ruined or gone.  It’s like my glasses that don’t work anymore.  Trying to find some beauty//light in the world.  I know it’s there as others have seen it.  How I envy them!  I once was one.  Age, doctors  and my body have cheated me.  I cannot fight them.  They let me take care of   Steve %100.  Saved nothing for me.    I just t take  up space.  My once organized home has all kinds of medical supplies as it did with Steve, even more. Left me a boring whiner now after-more than a decade.  I write this 5o get it out.  Not for replies.  
 

Had a good movie night.  I didn’t say anything about anything.  Just acknowledged Dee's presence.  We then had to solve why a disc for tonight wouldn’t load and got it done. No criticism about my now using my iPad and playing games.  She tried to engage me at dinner but I didn’t bite.  Hope this continues.  
 

Another day coming.  Did get an appointment with the pain clinic for next week.  I don’t think I’d make. It is March.  Hope all are well.  💕
 

 

[kayc]

Pain clinic, like as in going there in person?  Next week or in March?  Confused...

You all write so well, you're good at expressing yourselves, like reading a novel sort of.  I guess I'd title it, "On with our lives."  What we have to live with, what day to day looks like.  Living with grief and ghosts from the past.

[Gwenivere]

My next appointment with the pain clinic was in March.  That was nuts.  I called asI did the assessment and had given them a week to get moving on this.  I’m going to be very picky on options.  My patience level is nil for side effects or ANY way this can feel worse.  Had a last minute Zoom with my shrink.  So hate his voice much less having to look at him.  He tilde me,, basically, I I didn’t feel like I did.  I told him bull.  I live it, not him.  It’s like how do you describe how a broken leg feels to someone who’s never had one?   He can read his books all he wants, but people have reactions and most importantly feelings.  He’s still never explained why he’s changing my regimen that always works beyond the oxycodone being in there which I'm working on.  He’s made things worse.  Both physically and mentally.  
 

So the day got all off track.  Ruined lunch.  The only meal I semi like. Made me call the clinic, got info for home health to find the 2 I can choose from but can’t d blood draws for lack of supplies.  The thing I need most.  If I went to the lab I could get it done.  It’s terrible how disabled people get the short end of the stick.  
 

  Have counseling today.  Mind.spinning in so many directions.  
 

I re read my posts the next and this predictive typing option has often changed my wording or.spelling.  It’s so annoying.  Will be interesting to see how it posts from last night.  💕 to all.
 

 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

He can read his books all he wants, but people have reactions and most importantly feelings.  He’s still never explained why he’s changing my regimen that always works beyond the oxycodone being in there which I'm working on.  He’s made things worse.  Both physically and mentally.  

I wish so much you had a different doctor other than him.  I hate it when you get one that does not listen!  To me that is one of the most important traits they can have!  I try to avoid them as much as possible but it's not always possible.  Ugh, one of the parts of growing older that I hate...I loved it when you only had to go once a year, ha!

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s terrible how disabled people get the short end of the stick.

Yes, and why the hell is there a shortage of needles now!

[Margm]

They charged my sister $8.?? for something to do with her oxygen and her insurance has always paid it.  My blood pressure med was $30  for a three month supply.  One month was $5, so I started getting it month to month.  My group insurance put us on Medicare part D (I think that is what it is) for meds.  Now my monthly blood pressure is $30.  (30 pills).  But my sister is on such a small budget that her $8 is the same as $80 for someone else.  All we can do is fuss about it.  

On Chicago Med last night there was a woman that had relied on a Zoom doc to treat her.  Her husband brought her to the ER.  They treated it, but she still bled.  If she had been treated in an ER from the beginning she would not have faced the hysterectomy she had to have.  Some things Zoom cannot treat.

[Gwenivere]

Dee just ripped me apart for talking to my counselor about her.  Saying I was telling her horrible things.  I have, but she resents I talk about her at all, even ways to help her go thru the tough times. I lied to her saying I would never talk about her again to Jimmy.  I don’t want the fights so it’s easier this way.  She doesn’t react like a normal person in any way.   This is confidential anyway.  She got even worse as the night went on so I bowed out when she got on about a drawing I did she didn’t like for being promiscuous.  Now she’s acting normally.  
 

Hoping I make it thru a shower. Had to call my doc to add to Home Health care for a blood draw.  Needed Apple's help on an app.  Need to rattle my medic alert for the right shipping label.  Last day for CCenter lunches that sound good for the month. Always have Safeway.  Best deli and hot food and easy.  I don’t do complicated with the pain.  Gonna take advantage of this pre-bed, no fight time because no telling what this morning brings.

My post writing time got eaten up y drama.  Very annoyed by that.

 

 

 

[kayc]

That's how I feel when my SIL calls at dinner and Kodie cuddle time, that's my sacred time, do not want to give it up.  She talks a minimum of 1 1/2 hours, and to call twice in the same day?  That's more than I can handle, I don't even want more than once a week.

How did Dee know you mentioned her to your counselor?  I hope she wasn't eavesdropping!  You can't get away so she should leave you alone then.

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

She talks a minimum of 1 1/2 hours, and to call twice in the same day? 

Like my quiet time too.  If call is too long, I escape with "bathroom" excuse.  All know I have that problem, no one gets angry.  Three hours out of my "do nothing" day is entirely too much.  I need that time to read.  I would put excuse on washing clothes, etc.  I do that, but whenever I want to.  The other is a rush job excuse, that I am excused for.  

[Margm]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee just ripped me apart for talking to my counselor about her.

Of course you did, that is what counselors are for, I thought.  I think Dee is possibly what you need, and sometimes do not want, but she keeps the world rolling, maybe bumpy sometimes, but you seem to know how to handle her and I suppose there is nothing to keep her from leaving.  I think you make time in your life to include her, so perhaps she is needed after all..  

[Gwenivere]

Dee had no right to ask me to not talk about anything I choose with my counselor, nor any other doctor I see.  Or anyone!  It will come up again next week after my session.  I'll deal with it then.  Turns out she was drinking Thursday night which explains her behavior. She usually does not remember, but she did.  My utter annoyance is her extreme conveyance of her gripes in that condition and the 3rd player, Robin, who lies and mucks with her head.  Dragging me in and have no business in this at all.  Dee will say 'them',(about issues), but it’s only Robin.  

Managed to have a decent night last night.  Had my shower.  Had to make calls to my oxygen company as they tried to make a delivery I I didn’t know about.  Think they're trying again Monday. Home health assessment that day to but only &or PT which the surgeon said won’t do anything.  My doctor didn’t add a nurse but wrote about going to the lab for it.  He knows I can’t get places without major planning  if I were going to do a trip like that I would be for something big like bone density.  That need  big machines.  
 

Ate too big a dinner.  Withdrawal continues. Sleep uncomfortable the couple times I wake up.  What’s not to love?

 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee had no right to ask me to not talk about anything I choose with my counselor, nor any other doctor I see.  Or anyone!

Of course she didn't, and I hate that you have to put up with her insolence out of desperation, it's a very unfair position she puts you in.  It breaks my heart, you've already given up so much, unfairness is an underestimation.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Had to make calls to my oxygen company as they tried to make a delivery I I didn’t know about.

I wonder why they couldn't deliver?  Not like you're not there!  I hope they can and do deliver Monday!

Thinking of you today...

[Margm]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee had no right to ask me to not talk about anything I choose with my counselor, nor any other doctor I see.

If you talk "your business" with any professional, or any friend, it is a private conversation and refer to it as such.  Take it in another room, shut the door, and she is not included in the "visit."  

[Gwenivere]

Dee knows she can’t be here when I have counseling.  She’s usually gone.  Happiest to come home Jinny and I paused till she left again.  She blew off the confidentiality and that is what I am going to tell her again.  Plus I don’t restrict her conversations and they’re not even privileged.  She is a source of some problems, but I I talk to her about that on my own.  If she doesn’t want anyone talking about herr ever, as she says, than don’t talk to anyone.  Only way it can be done.

I was getting my shower when the oxygen guy came.  My issue is they never informed me.  You have to sign for ew canisters and that’s fine he took the old ones.  I still have many in the garage which are just for the car.  Plus, what if he came by before noon?  He'd wake us up.  Not acceptable

I’m getting very down about how sleep is becoming a big problem.  I still prefer it, but it’s not a haven as it once was.  It’s so complicated trying to figure what causes what.  The endless repetition or just knowing this will never really get better.  There’s no magic, prayers or medicine that can ease this.  I’ve done so much research into the many conditions that I cannot deny the truth. 
 

Well, Dee is bonkers again.  Just keep doing my own thing.  Non engagement as much as possible.  Hope this  typing holds up.  Talked to Apple and they found a  deleted file desperately needed tax number.  Mucho relief.  Morning!  💕.  

 

[kayc]

Glad Apple found it, I've never had help from anyone like them, wondering if it's part of your plan with them?  I couldn't even get help from them years ago when my iPhone wouldn't use apps!

[Gwenivere]

All I can do is try.  Still have to find things my insurance didn’t cover in rehab for taxes.  Very high amounts I paid out of pocket.  They cut off paying too soon.  Also need to find out if my counseling is counted.  So much work.  Spent my whole Sunday afternoon on it.  
 

Got a good dinner from church.  Getting late and Dee back in the whacko mode since the movie started.  I'll probably get more grief being on the iPad.   Her gripe lately.  PT assessment messing up lunch today.  Hoping she leaves me alone going to bed.  It’s bad enough(.  She wants me notice her every moment.  But not like normal people.  
 

Hopefully I’ll get to go to bed without incident.