My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Gwen, you were productive even on the weekend...so hard to get answers from health insurance, this year it's hard to get any customer service...was told 1/6 my new card was mailed to me...then this weekend I get a new email saying my card is mailed to me, meanwhile I can't use the benefits until I have it!  Tried calling, after holding an hour...no answers.  Still waiting.

Same is true of internet, used to get a real person, now they're in India IF you can get them!  They said they'd send someone out (which I pay $9/month for) but didn't.  It finally resolved (minus my router) and after over a month someone calls to tell me they'll be here...same day as our vet appt.  No can do!  Told him where he can get off, he's not even an employee with the internet company but I told him if I'd been waiting for internet all this time I would have already switched by now!  And he can pass that on, if he knows how to reach them.

I'm sorry you go through all this "stuff" with Dee...seems a huge price for the little help you get but I know you rely on her. 

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m finding insurance easier to deal with than actual doctors and agencies.  The PT one that came out Monday was confusing and I put it off until I can sort out if they can really help me.  Strengthen muscles they say.   I was so tired and hadn’t been up an hour.  I turned it down for now.  Could take a long time to get them back. Supposed to be hearing about a nurse coming out.  I don’t have another appointment with the surgeon and did that.  Talked to the pain clinic yesterday. I am not impressed with they were thinking last we talked.  
 

Dee took another nose dive last night.  ANOTHER morning having to talk about it after anxious about getting to sleep.  She brought home a movie for me to see and after getting it all set up, asked I really wanted to see.iit.  I said yes but seem convinced.  *sigh* I can’t think of a thing I did wrong but say I wanted to watch what had been picked out next.  I’m not as creative as  she at finding reasons to confuse others.  Way too much to process as usual I know.  I don’t.  

My fatigue is ruling everything. I don’t know what it feels like to have energy for anything.  Everything is pain and depression.  Watched a Tom Hanks movie I didn’t really care for.  He's a favorite usually. 
 

Housekeeper coming out Friday. Much needed.  At least she’s sane.  Shower dat too.  Just want to be  left alone.  It’s such a trap needing Dee to stay in my home.  I swear she’s got at least 3 different personalities.  Only one I enjoy.  Afraid who will show up.  

 

 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, it just seems that you have become Dee's "punching bag" no matter what you do. I understand that she is ill and seems to find fault in anything you do. Please don't get in the mindset that you have done something wrong. Trying to live up to someone's ridiculous expectations is exhausting in itself. Been there, done that. No wonder you're tired.

[kayc]

It has to be the hardest thing in the world.  I do wish you had someone pleasant to live with.  The "one personality" is fine but too often the others show up.

I wonder what in the world they think PT will do to help you and hope/pray they don't make you do something that triggers or worsens something.  I thought they'd said you do too much!

[Gwenivere]

Thank you both for caring and help. 
 

I was told PT wouldn’t help.  I think they now mean for the pain.  It can help, maybe, with muscle strength.  I don’t know.  I’m shaky and feel sick all the time.  Could be the meds, lack of much exercise, stress, undiagnosed conditions, thyroid,  all my doctors and clinics.  My stomach s just in knots all the time.

Tuesday night Dee drank again and remembers nothing.  I told her I’m at wits end on this.  Trust is  broken.  She’ll get suicidal and I can’t handle that.  I know the feeling, but I don’t know what to do for someone else so often and when they react cruelly.  I can threaten getting pressured help.  
 

Just can’t get out from being so down.  I get so tired of being told things to experiment with and forced into being scheduled for.  That eating is so much a chore than something to enjoy.  No matter where my mind wanders I go there and am aware it’s gonna forever.  Such a horrid outlook.  Seeing all the bodies around me not twisted and bent.  Dreading every move.  Seeing how at least half my meds are addictive and I have to take them.  Even the older people I see can at least move around.  Being such a prisoner to meds, anxiety, pain and depression.  Having no motivation to do anything to help myself as one doc will say yea and another no.  
 

It's so weird living a life I could have thought up in a hundred nightmares.  

[KarenK]

I imagine some type of exercises would help with the muscle strength in time.  Is it supposed to help your posture? Not sure how they would alleviate the pain. All you can do is try.

Guess I don't understand how Dee can be so drunk that she remembers nothing, yet she manages to find her way home. Could her "memory loss" be a convenient excuse for her cruelty? Makes you wonder as it happens so often. Back in my much younger days, I remember drinking to the point of almost passing out, but never forgot what occurred while I was drunk.

[kayc]

IDK, my dad used to drink to the point he remembered nothing the next day.  I remember after he went out on a binge...came home, my mom had fixed pizza for dinner (his favorite) on a heavy griddle (guardian ware), well she got so mad she hit him over the head with it, knocked him out.  She made me help get him off the floor (I was a kid) and get him to bed.  I was afraid she'd killed him!  The next day he had a huge knot on his head (probably a concussion) and assumed he'd been in a barroom brawl!  Us kids weren't saying anything, we didn't want in the middle of this!  He never liked pizza again.  It was in his subconscious but not his conscious mind.  Peggy was that way about her and Donna's accident that killed Donna's three year old, Jimmy and left her quadriplegic.  Peggy was driving but never remembered it, but Donna did.  Donna had a clear mind, Peggy not so much but she could answer all the Jeopardy questions.  I wasn't impressed with that so much as puzzled by it, I could deal with life but Peggy tuned it out, making life the fantasy she preferred.  I always had to study, Peggy never did.  She got A's, II was more a 3.5 until I got into college, got A's there maybe because I got to select what I took and enjoyed it.

Sorry about the rabbit trail, down memory lane.  We always called the pizza night "the night of the comedy of errors."  Wasn't so funny though.  That was typical of my life growing up.

Is it any wonder I grew up a teetotaler?  Raised my kids that way, my son is 38 and never took a sip, my daughter will have a glass of champagne at a wedding or maybe a glass of wine on rare occasion, but that's it.  So glad!  

Perhaps PT would help with strengthening muscles that might make things a little easier but I doubt it'd help the pain and I hope/pray it does no damage.  PT's can be drill sargeants!

 

[Gwenivere]

 Dee got drunk here.  Other times she has walked home from the corner store.  I believe she definitely blacks out from what I’ve seen.  She’s been told that by others too.  Kay, your kids are doing well on that.  I drank considerably more, tied a few on, but wound up in spins and hangovers.  I never become addicted.  I do believe there is something some possess that causes that.  Even if you come from a teetotaler family.   Just like the opposite.  Steve’s brother is the only one that didn’t have a problem out of 5.  Most music GT's were here because his buddies saw how much he drank in social settings.  
 

I'm trying to figure out why I am feeling so sick the past couple days.  It seems walking is harder .  Sleep is definitely worse.I had counseling again and it’s not helping more than an hours conversation with my getting to say the same  old things.  
 

Dees taking off for the day to be with a couple other close friends of her best friend on her birthday.  I have to decide on a shower today or next week and the housekeeper here.  If I do the shower I should plan on getting my hair cut too.  A lot for one day.  
 

Watced Primal Fear Thursday night.  Great movie.  Great zinger at the end.  Watching one i saw so long ago I forgot what it’s about.  Have to get thru dinner.  I don’t know where the afternoon hours go right now.  Just made a couple calls.  
 

I'm just wondering if I have hit a general rock bottom of depression.  I can’t see any light.  At least I grumbled more.  Now I feel nothing.   It’s very different.  All I think about is being gone.  It’s scary.  There’s no one to talk to.  Nothing to aim for.  The most I can hope for is this is recoverable.  That it’s not a permanent condition.

 I just got an email about Melody.  Reimbursement of supplies, vet bills and boarding when they traveled and they did a lot.  I’m not fretting the money much, but having to talk about her is the last  thing I need right now..  My fire hose has a  lot of leaks right now.

 

[kayc]

Peggy was alcoholic, I remember her sleeping all through Christmas, she passed out on the front porch, my dad had to carry her in, he was 145 and she weighed considerably more, no idea how he got her inside!  She stayed out for two days and never woke up on Christmas.  She quit when she married her husband, he'd asked her to and she did, no AA or anything!  She always was determined, but just not usually in a good way so I'm glad she did or they wouldn't have worked...his mom was alcoholic. Seems half the family both sides had a problem.  Weird how it hits one and not another, both with the same genes.  My first husband was a drug addict and alcoholic.  Ugh, I never wanted that, I was 17 when we married.  Young and dumb.  Last one was too but never lived with him and since he lived in Portland, 1/2 state away, I didn't know, he concealed it until after we married.  Geez, never do this, folks!  Should have been able to annul it, it still bothers me I'm stuck with his name, oh well, easy to pronounce and spell. Almost as common as Smith.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

why I am feeling so sick the past couple days

Are you on any different medication?

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

My fire hose has a  lot of leaks right now.

Is that a saying?  Never heard it before.  

I'm sorry you have the situation with Melody, I can't imagine how very hard it is.    

[kayc]

Since Kodie can't have his playdate I took him to the park yesterday, he loves it, all the dog smells, then we went to the church for the bible study, wasn't many people there but oh my did he get the attention, treats, and loving!  everyone kept petting him!  Mostly Lynda (her first time there) and Laura.  Lynda started on my anti-anxiety med Buspar, loves it except she's getting hot, I looked it up and it said only 1-2 weeks, so here's hoping, she likes how it makes her feel.  Me too, and it's safer than the SSRIs.

[Gwenivere]

Made up the saying.  Guess the brain still works a bit.  No changes in meds.  I’m afraid to do anything more at this point.  Doing my walks I can barely breathe and my heart pounds.  Goes to normal in about a minute.  I have kyphosis’ in my back now too.  That is why  I’m more bent over.  It isn’t possible to restore but the surgeon wants to do another surgery, tho he did say I might not be a candidate.  Not saying I would do it if I was.  So many people have degenerative disc disease. Even people not dependent on a walker unable to stand.  I’m just afraid something has happened in the past few days.  It’s never been this bad.
 

my shower got cancelled which I planned to do but thought I'd give a try.  Next week I'll try not doing the hall treks.  The housekeeper will be enough for today and calls.  Called Melody's caregivers also. I could have written, but I decided to face it head on.  Couldn’t talk long. Heard how well she is doing.  No matter how much it hurts me, she is thriving and that’s what matters most.  
 

Dee seems OK after her park trek with buddies of her best friend on her, the friend's , birthday.  Definitely going to be aching tomorrow.  She’s trying to get 20,000 steps in for her record.. I said she couldn’t do it before the Apple watch resets  at midnight.  

 I really hope to get my walker wheels rolling easier.  It’s getting too difficult to push.  Then that hurts my back more.  That ⎌could be aggravating my spine.  It’s like a loop I'm caught in.  Or, maybe like I already said, the damage is already done.  
 

Well, how things change and they surely did.  Dee ruined the evening last night.  Very intense.  I won’t whine.  You have all so patient with me.  💕 to you all.
 

 

[kayc]

Woke up at 2, too tired so went back to sleep until 8, gave me 8 hours excepting when the phone woke me up but I drifted back as I didn't answer it or talk.  

Would getting a different walker help?  Leave that one to someone stronger.  We gave away three walkers of Peggy's, one brand new (for Bert, only he never came home).  All in great shape and the one Peggy used last was nearly new.

Kodie still can't have a playdate as the guy didn't show up the last two days to pour the cement (car problems) was really nice Thursday when he was scheduled, I would have picked him up and taken him home had I known, now it's been pouring rain and going to snow so who knows when they'll get this done.  Poor Jazzy on the zipline, which she hates.  I know they're missing each other.  Heading for really cold weather like I haven't seen in years.

I'm glad things went okay last night, Gwen, although I know you're not over the night before...once stung it takes a while.

And I'm truly glad Melody is doing so well.  I know that's a double edged sword, overall that's what you wish but it has to hurt too.  Dang life sometimes!

[Clematis]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s never been this bad.

Hi there - I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering so much. It's awful. I don't know if you remember me, but I was on the site a lot 5 to 7 years ago after the death of my dad. We were very close and I was his caregiver. Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you can find a way to feel better.

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Clematis said:

I don't know if you remember me, but I was on the site a lot 5 to 7 years ago after the death of my dad.

I'm sure we all remember you Clematis.  Glad you dropped by again.  I think we just endure life still, might not be what we would have wanted, but it is life.  Hope you are doing good.  

Gwen, I think Dee has become a sort of family to you, and we just put up with family.  She at least "stirs the stew" to keep things rolling.  Not ideal for sure.  But, I think it is like playing a game, you don't know what is going to happen next, so you just keep playing.  I just do not want her to hurt you physically.  

She needs help mentally, but damn if I don't think maybe we all do to a point.  Waking up, hearing Donkey from Shrek singing "I'm all alone" is not reality.  But, waking up alone is.  I still have to think someone is with me and then I remember, they are all somewhere else.  That is exactly where I want them to stay.  

Just do not let Dee hurt you physically, there are a lot of people who would love to have what you offer that would take better care of you.  They wouldn't be Dee, but think they only made one of her.  Guess you have to weigh how you'd feel if she didn't provide a small amount of excitement to living.  Thinking about you.  

 

[kayc]

It's good to hear from you, Laura.  

SIL called 21 times including evening when I've asked her not to (eat 4:30-5, cuddle time with Kodie, take him out to pee and load the fire, asleep at 7) since Monday when I let her talk 1 1/2 hours.  I can't handle this anymore.  I need family harmony but she's too much, have her blocked, figured I'd call her once a week but right now I can't and it's only been 5 days.  I don't have the time or aggravation to spare.

Gwen, hoping everything went okay for you last night.  

It snowed last night, tonight could get close to zero with their track record for predictions, hoping not.

 

[Gwenivere]

My walker is a rolling one with a seat.  They don’t take any weight off your back, balance only.  The regular ones carry weight.  They are so hard to use on my carpeting and I'm afraid when my oxygen drops  I might fall.  
 

Yes, it was very hard to hear about Melody.  Tore me up and will again.  Knowing I c could never give her such a great  life.  Missing the one we had, just ours.  
 

Marg, Dee is an alcoholic and a very ugly one.  It’s been happening too much and tearing me up.  She also knows she has mental problems.  Yet I care very much for he.  Soon I won’t be able to stay in this house so that’s something I have to make plans for.  She can be enjoyable or a monster to be around.

My back is still very bad.  I’m getting very scared.  It’s the breathing that concerns me the most.  My weight is also too low.  We’re going to look into ways of making my walker move more smoothly.  I get too breathless.  I truly hope that helps.  
 

Watched a decent movie.  Tried to get back into a TV series I was watching but have loss interest.  Hard to f follow Yellowstone.  💕

[Gwenivere]

Here it is Sunday.  The despair is crushing.   I don’t know where to turn.   I keep thinking there is something wrong with my walker but I think it’s  more me.   Tho I also think things have become worse being home having to deal with thicker carpets aggravating more vertebrae.  This is repetitive rambling.  I’m always so sad when no one has said anything when I check in.  This is my major connection to the world.  That’s very sad too.  All of you are so wonderful.

Nothing really happened so far.  That’s not good as the house rag by.  I don’t want problems, but boredom is torture too.  The church dinner is a big letdown.  But can’t be ungrateful.  Dee did get some lubricant for my walker.  I can’t believe how badly it was locked up.  I’ll find out walking now.  Maybe it will help a little on the breathing.  The pain won’t change tho..
 

I feel so awful after dinner.  I did a glass of fiber yesterday.  I think the handful of pills before sleep doesn’t help either.  Start the day that way too.  3 times in between. Each side I sleep on has challenges beyond not moving which isn’t good already.  One side kills my eye and  leg, the other makes my neck hurt and leg jerk. Both kill my hips.  Hoping I can stand a shower Tuesday.  
 

Last big decision is which side to start sleeping.  What a life.  💕 you all.
 

 

 

[KarenK]

Boredom is pretty much the norm for me. Not driving keeps me at home. Can't do yard work or much cleaning as I run out of breath. Don't like it, but I deal with it.

I've been watching a lot of older movies with actors I like. Of course I've already seen them, but it's nice to see familiar faces instead of wondering who the neck some actor is. I think it's sad when a fine actor continues to act when it's time to bow out gracefully. I noticed Anthony Hopkins made a new movie which had a very low rating. I'd just rather remember them from better days.

Glad you thought of lubricant for the walker. I was going to suggest 3 in 1 oil. Hope it works.

[kayc]

11 degrees here and dropping, 65 in the house, about ten degrees cooler than I like it. How're the temps in Seattle?  Snow froze hard yesterday, here to stay at these temps!  Worried about Panther, will feel better when I see him.  He could be under the house or above the room off the carport that houses the pipes/water tank, I have a heater going in it.

I cut my finger deep yesterday, not a clean cut but ragged, it bled profusely all day, on 5th bandage.  The burn I got from the woodstove Thursday (back of hand) is worse than I thought, of course, just getting the other one better!  At least easier to keep clean than palm/fingers.  Same hand.

Gwen, I wish you had wood flooring at least in the main room, might make it easier to get around.

Me too, if I ever have balance problems...

 

[Gwenivere]

WD40 and getting debris out of the walkers  front wheels made all the difference.  I still get pain and.winded, but I don’t have to fight it. My bathroom is small for a walker.  It does have tile and a throw rug. Old movies.are fun, but they remind me of better times. I'd rather not see the actors anymore.  Within the last 10 years seems I don’t.  With all the channels still not much choice.  There is so much entertainment out there, I don’t know why they keep rerunning the same stuff.  
 

How did you hurt your finger, Kay?  
 

Dee was yelling at me last night for hours.  Says se wasn’t drinking.  I'll know more today.  I am actually hoping she was for wha was said.  My biggest hope is I can get thru a shower and feel at least physically better about myself.  
 

I can’t even type anything else.  At least I got her to stop for now.  It will al be waiting for me in less than 10 hours.

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

29 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

How did you hurt your finger, Kay?

I was helping in the kitchen at church and needed to cut mold off a block of cheese, looked for cheese slicer, couldn't find one so used a knife, apparently it wasn't sharp enough, I was on the last side, halfway down and it took a turn...for my finger.  It's not a clean slice, it's very ragged, the worst kind. It bled for hours so that should have cleaned it out. On 7th bandage!

32 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee was yelling at me last night for hours.

I just don't see how what she does is worth having her there, but that's just me.  I'd be looking for someone else.  She's nuts.  I know you care about her but to have to put up with this all the time, it'd be getting pretty old.  It seems she's as bad as the pain you endure, one physical, one mental.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Margm]

I still think Dee is a major distraction from some of your problems, but I'm wondering if she is worth it.  How long before she gets physical and hurts you in one of her drunken rages.  Seems she tries to hurt your feelings.  She is very lucky to have you..  I know there are other care givers out there that would appreciate a warm home and food.  You should not have to wait for a happy time, she should be thanking you every day.  

I watched a short series the other night and looked at the clock and it was 2:00 a.m.  Knocked me out of reading time and it was not that much entertainment.  I think it was called "Keep Breathing" and I had to skip through part of it so I could just keep breathing.  Actually ended good (I think), it was too convoluted, only me watching, and I wanted to "read the end of the book).  Do not think it was true.  Wilderness adventure, woman pregnant, falling down mountains, swept down a river, and unbelievable that she kept the pregnancy.  I actually do not know what I watched.  I hate shows that have flashbacks, and that was all it did.  Stupid me.  

[KarenK]

I can only echo what Kay and Marg have said. There just has to be someone else out there that can help you. Perhaps your shower aide knows someone?

I've been watching a 2004 series called "Everwood" with Treat Williams about lives of people in a small Colorado town. Really enjoying it. 89 episodes so am watching in between other stuff.

[Gwenivere]

I can’t even write anything more.  I’m erasing    what wrote last night as it was about Dee.  Hours consumed last night.  A friend of hers twisted her more fragile mental state, and he r husband, about my feelings for her.  Spent hours in hell.  Got to get to sleep.

 

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, my heart goes out to you.  I'm wondering if it's worth being in your own home if this is what you have to put up with to have it...I am so sorry.

My friends Mike and Iris...Mike went into the hospital two days ago, his gallbladder needs out but wouldn't survive the surgery...his heart is severely damaged from Covid 1 year 4 months ago.  He has ALL (cancer of the blood, no cure).  Diabetic.  He is dying or perhaps already gone.  I got the news right before bedtime.  Didn't sleep much.  I'm stunned, just sick.  He didn't want me to know.  Perhaps he didn't want to see my face if I was told.  I told Kodie but I think it'll take a long while for him to understand Mike isn't coming home.

Gate is stuck off the track, workman didn't show again yesterday.  So the dogs can't play, poor Jazzy will be stuck on the zipline, thinking she's being punished, even while grieving Mike.  He worked so hard to get everything in order before dying...having trees trimmed, cut, projects in shop, doing tech work on Iris' computer.  His way of loving her.  I am sick about all this.  His kids coming in today.  Iris hasn't been home since she took him to the hospital.  Probably won't until he's gone.