My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Zoom is set for a bit later.  Sunday started into a very different day than expected.  Dee took some prescribed medication Saturday night with bad side effects.  It’s the 2nd time it’s happened.  She was given way too much when I read up on it.  So she needs to contact the clinic the state has her assigned to.  I suggested she request one doctor she consistently deals with.  You need someone that is familiar with you.  Reading up this med appalled me.  An antidepressant with off use use as a pain killer.  I am not clear if the pain hel is immediate or weeks like use as antidepressan.  
 

The plan of a cat is on hold now.  The reality of the costs fr the cat itself, supples and initial care like sterilization and shots will be costly.  Another situation not entirely thought thru.  I am not responsible for any of those expenses.  
 

Because of Saturdays movie/med fiasco, we are restarting it from the beginning.  I don’t mind as it was a bit confusing.  Had a Zoom short chat with Nina.  I so admire her sense of purpose and how she’s handled the death in her life.  I do know she can’t understand mine.   I think I’ve asked before, but do people like that contribute to the loneliness?  It does for me.  
 

I'm consumed in this withdrawal.  Getting desperate.  I don’t where to turn.  Something to try and look into this week.  Too much stuff this week with a jumbled brain.  

[kayc]

51 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

do people like that contribute to the loneliness?  It does for me.  

When we encounter people whose lives are not affected like ours I think it does.  At least it does with me.  My friends who have their partner and don't have to deal with no strength, continual pain, numbness, it leaves me feeling more isolated as I know they cannot begin to grasp the issues in my life.  They take for granted their husbands will take care of things I've struggled with or had to let go of for years...like having an outdoor faucet.  Their husbands take care of the lawn, trees, storms, so much and yes they very much take this for granted, as well as getting to sleep next to him, talk over their day with him, etc.  I have no such person, yep I'd say it adds to our loneliness!

They gave you nothing to help you with withdrawal?

[Margm]

I cried when a classmate passed away.  My wise neighbor, friend, helpmate, she told me we were at the age we would lose our friends.  She told me that without telling me she had just attended the funeral of hers, and of her late husband's classmate that morning or the day before.  My very close cousins, we talk so often, one's husband left this past Friday and the other one is in extremis.  I talked to her about midnight, she knew I'd be awake.  Both get along with 2-3 hours sleep when they can grab it.  I feel for them so much that it all seems happening again.  I know how they hurt.  We know what they are going through.  We all know it is coming.  Last night I had to lay down, the world was spinning.  I don't know from what, but think I will have to keep my cane near me.  My walls are close to where I travel in this house.  I was out getting groceries yesterday, no problems.  I wear my mask still.  This is new.  I do not hurt anymore than I usually do, if it is anxiety, it does not need a Xanax, it is like vertigo.  Blood pressure normal.  I think we all are all empaths to some extent.  Been there, done that, did not get the Tee shirt.  

[Gwenivere]

GYour messages always touch me, Marg.  I’ve spent this afternoon making calls I don’t know will get me anywhere.  Taking a break before calling the pain clinic about the withdrawal.  Asked my insurance to find a place for bloodworkI need.  I don’t see why I should do it.  I called about Steve’s van and found it wasn’t street legal to drive.  Came from mail today.  Have no plans for that.  Thought about shifting my schedule to earlier bed and wake time, but I’d run into lunch closings.  Would mess up things Dee and I have set up too.  Just no way to make this work better than it does.  
 

Really stressed about a shower today.  Frigging withdrawal.  I left a message with the pain clinic.  Don’t know what I will hear back.  Sitting here right now is so very hard.  
 

I got so fed up with the restlessness I asked Dee if she’d help with my shower.  It was more effort as she never had done it but we did it!!  It took my mind off the withdrawal for now and I'll just have to re pin my hair.  Always frustrating.  Rescheduled with my aide for next week. I need a calmer week to go back to her like next week.  
 

Dee was weird again at movie time.  Not meds. Super depressed and said some hurtful things.  I opted not to get into anything.  Conversations like that take so long.  I have enough other things to deal with.  Just told her 5he movie she picked out was good and we need an earlier start tonight.  
 

Still raining here nonstop.  List of calls I hope pass the time not too hindered by the withdrawal.  Miss dreaming.  I wonder if I'll ever say good morning again.

 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Margm said:

This is new.  I do not hurt anymore than I usually do, if it is anxiety, it does not need a Xanax, it is like vertigo. 

Marg, please talk to your doctor about it, vertigo is serious, see if there's any help for it, there's a gal, Debbie that used to be here, she has it, is nearly blind from it.  I bought some of her hand painted Christmas ornaments and always think of her when I put them on the tree.

Gwen, so glad you got your shower and it worked!  It was good to ignore Dee when she got nasty.  Doesn't help to get into it with her when she's unreasonable but I know it's hard to ignore.

Yesterday toilet was stuck for hours running, I didn't know it until there was no water.  Unstuck toilet, checked pump tec, it was on, took Kodie for a walk and placed a call to my son, he explained why no hot water when cold was used up, it needs the cold to replace the hot that's in the tank so if there's no cold, there's no hot either.  Came home and pump tec off, finally got water back, was so relieved!  The pump tec saved my well/pump!  First thing George bought right after our honeymoon!  Thanking him!

Dish network coming to replace my 13 year old receiver with a hopper, receiver just isn't working anymore.  Have to wait around all day so it'll be a hard day for Kodie.

Found out Kodie's vet appt Wed. isn't until 2:10, ugh, thought it was 1, have to go to town and get groceries then head over to the vet at Pleasant Hill, by the time we get home and I put the groceries away it'll be 5 when he gets his play date so dinner will be late.

[KarenK]

Why is the van not street legal now? Weren't you driving it before surgery?

Sure hope the pain clinic will be able to help you.

Another movie for you to try. "The Snow Walker" from 2004. A bit sad, but decent.

Wishing for better days ahead for you.

[Margm]

The dizziness is gone.  I have doc's appointment coming up, blood work first.  He does this every four months whether I need it or  not.  I know vertigo.  My daughter thinks it is becauuse the two families so close to me all my life are going through what I went through and I'm just feeling it again.  She is a former nurse (still thinks she is).  I take my BP med and check it often, had a waking up of heart running fast and it was 94 bpm, my usual is in the 60's.  May have had a dream that woke me up.  I cannot try too many meds, tummy won't take them.  Could not even take the Inderal (which is no more, only the generic ones).  Even afraid of the many herbal teas.  Could not go to the memorial service because to go anywhere I have to refrain from eating or drinking till I get home.  The cemetery is where most of my mom's family sleep.  My grandparents, aunts, uncles.  It is miles from anywhere, even a $ store, so I could not go.  I am doing okay health-wise, status quo.  No more dizziness.  Sometimes a person can help another person, but then there are times we have to just allow them to feel life and death because you have learned, there is nothing you can do.  Hated to give back my magic, but I learned I cannot keep it or help anyone else except to be there when they need to talk.  I am here for them, but we all know that picture of the little girl starting on her long walk down that road telling us sometimes we have to do it for ourselves.  I cannot seem to add the little girl picture.  

 

[Gwenivere]

I dropped all insurance except storage on the van.  The pain was starting and I had no interest in using it.  It’s dead now and no us for it.  I should sell it, but not sure with my depression being so bad if I should risk it.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  
 

Dee did take those meds again Monday night.  Same amount, double.  She was suicidal all day.  She says she would never do that to me, but I can’t trust that.  It’s making me feel that.  I’d be totally alone. Unable to live here without an agency and I don’t know if I want to and do the interviews.  I don’t want the option of a nursing home.  
 

We’re trying to set up a new life line button and fighting which is ridiculous.   Old house  without 3 prog  electrical where needed.  Have to find an adapter. Pull away for another time.   May just send it back.

 

Had a bad night with food.  Today is back to back doctor appointments.  Thank you for the movie suggestion, Karen.  I’ll check it out.  We watched The Last Duel se t in the 1300's.  So odd to u s why things happen and judicial system.  
 

Usual going to bed anxiety.  Knowing today will be the  same.  💕 to all.

 

 

 

[KarenK]

Might be a good idea to sell it before it loses any more value. Also, more things could wear out while it's just sitting. It would be one less thing to worry about.

Hope Dee goes to the clinic soon about the meds. Dangerous and not fair to either of you to continue this way.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

should sell it, but not sure with my depression being so bad if I should risk it.

Sell as is, tell them it was running when it was parked there.  They can get it going again.  Peggy traded Bert's van for yard work.  Sold his truck to a neighbor of mine in need, I still get to see it being driven and couldn't have gone to a more wonderful guy!  She gave him the deal of a century, but also, couldn't have been to someone more wonderful.

Absolutely, agree Karen.  I hope she gets her meds straightened out, why in the world they'd do that to her!!!

Dish network came yesterday, ugh...swapped my receiver for a hopper, in and out in 20 min...first they said 8, then 8:45, then 9:30, then 10:30, came at 11:05. Were supposed to show me how it worked, nope!  5 phone calls later, each time holding, dealing with AI, etc.  Nothing makes sense, I liked the old one much better, this is nuts!  Not sure I'll ever figure out how/where to do anything, maybe in time, but right now it's like looking at a foreign language!

Today is out of town to get groceries, gas, and then to another town to the vet for Kodie.  It'll cost a fortune, about $360 for two shots and six months flea meds.  Ugh!  When did vets get so high!

 

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

When did vets get so high!

Not just vets.  All insurance has increased, SS increased, but not enough for the price increases.  The papers my sister filled out at the surgeon's quoted prices.  Prices for if you are late for an appointment, prices for if you cancel an appointment.  She called and canceled any more appointments with the surgeon.  He is another language, sounds similar to her oncologist, she thought she was talking to her oncologist and gave him the "low down" on this surgeon, who is new to the area, but an older physician.  She thought she was talking to her oncologist and it was the money hungry surgeon.  He asked "do you know who you are talking to?"  She told him she thought it was her oncologist, but if it was the surgeon, then that was good, because she thinks he is a pompous ass.  A good time to mistake a doc and tell him he is full of crap.  She has another one to go to.  His asking for money all in the papers to fill out, and promising her he would rid her of her stoma were things her surgeon in Arkansas and her oncologist said could not happen.  Should not happen.  I do not think he will stay long in the area.  He has just arrived from somewhere that obviously did not want him.  

Have to go check on her today.  Talk 2-3 times a day.  She has her nurse come in this morning.  

Sometimes things really get muddied in this world.  

Gwen, I hope I am misreading you and Dee is not taking your meds.  I do not think you need her that much.  Seems much more a liability to you while your withdrawing, possibly criminal.  

[Gwenivere]

No, Marg, Dee is taking her own meds.  They don’t work right at well over the prescribed dose.  I don’t know why this withdrawal hasn’t eased up.  I’m not even doing  all the med drops II've been told to.  I’m so sick of the crawling skin feeling and restlessness. 
I’ve 

Had telemedicine appointments with 2 doctors.  Didn’t feel I came out of them with anything hopeful.  Everything is a guess, risk, gamble and no one sounded at all very high spirited about any choices from them. That doesn’t help my thinking about them.

Dee and I went thru half my bedroom clothes closet.  2 stuffed leaf bags 2 donate.  Most all left has more sentimental value than practical.  Kept one dress  and a floor length( skirt that Steve ha me buy, never got the chance to wear.  Walked right into that trigger as many others brought up memories.  But most was warm stuff l'll never wear as they don’t have buttons and can’t raise my arms.  Would mess up my old lady bun too. 
 

I'm not feeling well today as usual.   Have to eat dinner.  Just want to get to movie time and hope to get lost in that.   Have  counseling today.  Nothing is really helpful now.  I have no idea what to say.  Just the same old, same old.  Dee doing her mor usual taking how I say things wrong.  All excited about the clothing donation, annoyed wen I made suggestions about packing up a return box.  Easier just let her do her thing.  Mine is now relish my last game of the night.

[kayc]

The price of eggs more than doubled since last time I got groceries and coconut oil went from $10 to $17!  I didn't buy it.  Sigh.  It's challenging getting groceries.

Gosh, Gwen and most of my stuff is summer!  I wear the same old long shirt items over and over!  Too many dress things, never wear them, always cold.

So it took me a short time to watch a recording on dish and an hour to figure out how to delete it afterwards...don't remember how I found the screen to delete it in.  It's nuts!

Glad yesterday is done, today will be a cooking day.  No bandages on but hands still hurt and are fragile.

[Margm]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

No, Marg, Dee is taking her own meds.  

That is a relief.  Withdrawal is no fun.  I got off Xanax after being on high doses for seven years.  I knew how to do it, and never had a moment of any problem.  The prescription amphetamines (7 years again) took me years to quit the "wanting" for them.  I had the feelings I called "quickenings" that lasted, what seemed like forever and one day I didn't even notice they had gone..  I think they call it "jonesing" for the amphetamines took forever.  I had chances to get the "homemade" ones, but thank goodness my fear was greater than my need.  My sister is in AA, was dry for 10 years, then took care of our mom.  I said, and I meant it, and it was mean, but if I had had to take care of  my mom, I would have died of alcohol poisoning fast.  She did start drinking again, but has been in AA again now for 3-4-5 years.  We discussed it yesterday.  She gets the "carry on" chemo off today and was craving cookies.  I got her a big tray of mixed cookies and she ate them like she was starving.  They do not disagree with her stoma.  I think my granddaughter is going to try to live at her mom's again.  There is nothing to offer her in this town and as bad as she hates it, she needs to be around people.  We sleep different shifts and I would not want to live with my 80-year-old grandmother.  It was a soft place to fall though when she needed it.  I will be alone, but I do not mind that at all.  I can be very cranky.  

Oh, have been on Xanax at low dosage since Billy left.  I'm sure I am addicted again to it, but this time I do not care.  I know not to abuse it and use it for sleep.  At age 80, in my own mind, (and that is what matters), it is the rest of my life either quality or quantity.  I have quantity, I only want quality.  Can't do anything about the ruptured colon problems, except stay fairly close to home and hope it does not get worse.  If it does, I'm gone, nothing they can do.  The essential tremor gets like Parkinson's sometimes and sometimes does turn into Parkinson's, so I just stay around the house.  

[KarenK]

Eggs are about $7 a dozen here. Sometimes there are none. Reminds me of the toilet paper fiasco we had when Covid arrived. Everything has just gotten ridiculous in price. We sure don't eat "high on the hog". Mostly hamburger. I stretch things the best I can. When Ron was here, he kept our big freezer full. It stays mostly empty now.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been on Xanax for decades and getting off them was never my idea.  It wouldn’t be an issue if not for the oxycodone.  Hard to know with my shrink.  I have an appointment with a new one, but not til March.  Same with the pain clinic itself.  Have to push on the home health care.  Can’t do anything until the long weekend is over.

Just heard the news Lisa Presley died.  So many people going through hell.  We only hear about the famous ones.  I feel for everyone.  
 

Counseling was intense.  I needed another hour at least.  Jimmy (having become friends) told me some of her feelings about this time in life .  Found we feel the same about some important issues.  She’s 80 and better accepting the losses that I can see.  Maybe because she can still get out and do moe. I feel our ages are reversed.  

My meds are all off as I  took m afternoon dose almost an hour late.  Was when counseling ended that I realized.  Have to be careful for the rest of the night.  Dee just came out, started a fight, I don’t know why, and left.   I know, I keep exposing myself to this.  I’m going to dive into a movie or watch Yellowstone.  If she’s here, fine.  If not, fine too.

I don’t know if anyone here is superstitious butt Friday the 13th I can at least blame for whatever happens just like everyday.  Because surely it will.  Beyond  my planned list.  

 

 

 

[kayc]

Karen, I'm stunned at your eggs price!  Would have to beg/borrow/steal eggs from a neighbor with chickens!

Gwen, I'm sorry you keep going through this, you seem to be weathering it better, but OMG, I'd have to toss her out on the front porch with her outbursts!

Ha, didn't realize it was Friday the 13th, you're right!

Back to bandaging, it hurts too bad.  Discovered the large bag of bandages I got on Amazon don't have sticky around the gauze, only the ends, so no sealing wounds.  Bandaid brand.

[KarenK]

Kay, the news reports that Phoenix is among the highest in the nation for soaring food costs. Boy, do I know it! My son pays for our groceries and he almost wouldn't buy eggs until I named off the various things I used them in. I don't think he pays much attention to the ingredients in things I make. I just make the list and he does the shopping. It's really tough to try and be economical. I think that is a foreign concept now.

[kayc]

They limit us to two dozen and I go every 2-3 weeks since it's 100+ mile trip.  Keto you use lots of eggs, considered the perfect food and yet they're in everything!  We're higher than nationwide average but I can't complain after hearing your price!  Horrid!  It's just it more than doubled from the previous time and I shop the cheapest place.

[Gwenivere]

The cos t of food is ridiculous.  I don’t know what the justification is. Most probably shipping with fuel prices.  I’m sure Russian sanctions play another big role.   What’s hard is how it hits the common consumer. 
 

Kay I talked to Dee last night when things cooled off.  That took hours after the fact.  I don’t know how to prevent these and neither does she.  The only common link found is it involves her dealing with her partners death and finding something of hers since she got back things her sister kept from her for years.  That is the anger part.  I get confused as Dee says they get along well now, yet the sister still has more stuff.  This could drag out a long time with Dee’s short term memory problems and my being the convenient target at the moment.

It felt like a very  Friday the 13th day.  Setting up a DVD locked up my TV input.  Took 4 times to fix by myself.  Had to sit on my walker at the TV.  Got back to my chair and my iPad was totally locked up.  Fortunately on the contacts app so I could call Apple.  Did a hard reset and got it back. Didn’t want to stare at a blue screen TV all day and with no access to anything on the pad I would have gone (more) nuts.  Now just waiting to get thru dinner to movie time.  Hopefully no dramatics.  Oops, there were but I ignored them and hoping my not gonna caught up in it works.  Just 5o late to get sucked in5o stress.

Seahawk game this  afternoon’.  Our last5 chance to stay a wild card for the Super Bowl.  
 

I'm already in dread of this morning, no news there.  
 

Limit on eggs?  How can that be enforced?  Would take me a long time to use a dozen, but I don’t understand that.
 

 

 

[kayc]

They don't allow you to buy more than 2 dozen, I need 4-5 dozen every 2-3 weeks.  I may have to find another source (neighbor's chickens?) but I know they don't lay much in the winter so probably just enough for their own needs.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

her dealing with her partners death and finding something of hers since she got back things her sister kept from her for years.

But does she not see you have nothing to do with that and it is SO UNFAIR to you to attack YOU for that!  Direct it to her sister, not to you!

I'm glad you got more than the blue screen to look at!  I am NOT happy with the Dish hopper!  But it is what it is, what I wouldn't give for a new "old receiver though!"

[Margm]

My limited SS gave me $50 more dollars.  My Optimum (all we can have in these apartments) went up $42 a month.  I really very seldom watch it, with Brianna at her mom's, I think I will pick another "package" as wifi and home phone are included on it.  Do not really need a home phone, but need wifi (and I have no idea what that really is, but think I have to have it for connection to the outer world.  Strange, I thought "wifi" had something to do with music in the back and beyond days.  

I will not eat eggs.  I do eat Egg Beaters, and the price has not gone up that much, I guess.  I do not cook much and with Bri gone, I will do minimal cooking.  

Dread that alone feeling, but she certainly needs counseling and a life.  Bio-mom's drug use did a number on her, but hoping the blanks get filled in.  Totally beautiful and she thinks she is ugly, so intelligent, and I hope it carries her far.  I know I can't.  Her choice.  I don't know many people who would thrive in the conditions I live in.  No anger.  I hope she finds life.  I hope she, and her mom can get along.  Also, my son.  Some things I have to let go of.  

Gwen, I believe Dee keeps you on your toes and hear your concern for her.  I hope she does not wear you down.  Believe me, it can happen.  

There is a song in the hymnal of my childhood.  

"Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand."

I found it easier to have "faith" when Billy was here.  All I have now are the thoughts/shrapnel that floats around in my head.  

Occasionally I have to bring a post back in to correct it.  My hands shake so bad that you will often see double "periods" at the end of sentences.  Sometimes I catch double letters, sometimes I don't.  I know I am the only person that bothers.

[kayc]

;Marg, your post is very poignant, you should have been a writer (you are a writer, I mean you could have made a living at it).  I will have to consider eggbeaters to stretch the eggs.  I just read someone got 5 doz. eggs at Safeway for less than at Winco (Winco has a 2 doz. limit).  Eggs are a mainstay here with my Keto.

I constantly type double, esp. T's.  My fingers stutter after all these injuries.

 

[Gwenivere]

Saturday and my first knowledge of the day is no Nina tomorrow, another RX is ready, no new DVD in mail and usual pain and dark thoughts.  Have the football game on we have essentially lost. There’s a drama going on between Dee and Robin about Dee's van and turns out not to be issue and she’s back in Robin’s clutches.  I’m staying out of any more of it.  She gets too stressed out and. I’m not going down that path anymore.  I’ve already written too much about it now.  Will have to tell her as it comes up, I’m out of it.  
 

Didn't use the phone at all today nor have much TV routine being so different with the Seahawks game on and the above.  Usually an ‘easier'.day.  I make a list the night before of shows for the next day to have options quickly to have on in the background.  I reread this and what I could say and see how tedious my life is.  
 

 Even my conversations with Dee or emails are dull.  No interaction leads to…….what can you say?  I hear how busy other people are.  Or interests they are pursuing.  I don’t know how to develop those anymore.  
 

Movie time was a bit annoying.  Someone  (ahem) kept interrupting a nd the DVD wouldn’t play the firs5 20 minutes.  It was a library one.  Reminds me  I need to get a cleaning disc.  Who knows how many times the ones from them and Netflix have been run in other machines.  
 

No Nina today as is customary. Has some online class.  No plans but to survive the day.  Get to buy a backup power cord for the iPad.  Yippee!  Something non medical!  Church dinner night which will probably be cold sandwiches and maybe a gut burger.  Grateful for it, but pizza nights are better.   🙂
 

 

 

 

[kayc]

Plans to stay out of it are good...usually she involves you, like it or not.

I have no interests other than Kodie and my food, ha!  Fell asleep at 6:30 last night, so much for my Sat. night!  Making up for 3 1/2 hours sleep the night before, hoping for 8, got 7.

See, my days are about as dull...no phone calls, package due to arrive yesterday, didn't.  I guess tomorrow's a holiday.  Snow tonight on, this week.  Won't get much except Thursday, who knows about weekend.