My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Doesn't feel like Christmas at all to me. Except for the little tree and a few presents, it's just another day. Have been feeling down lately, partly from stumbling around half blind and unable to drive anywhere, I guess. This is my tenth year without my Santa. Don't think I'll ever be used to it. My son works on Christmas Eve and Christmas night so nothing special happening here.

Sure hope you don't lose power, Gwen! I was in KY in 2009 during the worst ice storm. Trees broken off all along the interstate from weight of ice. Looked like a war zone.

Hope everyone has a peaceful holiday.

[Gwenivere]

Definitely no feeling of Xmas around here.  No decorations at all.  I know I'll never get used to my Santa being gone.  Miss being Santa to him.  Miss going out too.   Basically, the happiness.  The freedom.

 I hope there’s no power loss as well.  Have enough challenges as it is.  Really feeling the loss of my mom today.  Miss getting her yellow roses for her birthday.  Want to talk to her this year.  My dad too.  Want that feeling only a parent can provide.  
 

Found out JIBox is closed today!  New policy.  Gonna try for Chinese.  Hope the place I found is.  Calling first thing.  Waiting to hear if I talk to Nina or she’s tied up with family.  Hard to find anything to have on during the da.  At least 3 channels are running A Xmas. Story all day long.  
 

Gonna be a hard day. Hope it’s somewhat peaceful for everyone.  ❤️

[kayc]

We had a great time yesterday at Paul's in-laws.  Melissa came too, but Finley wasn't feeling well so stayed home, missed seeing him.  Bethany fixed a Keto Meatball dish with Pepperoni in it, and tomatoes, it was so good!  Also had cheesy cauliflower saucy stuff, really good!  I want her recipe for the meatballs, definitely!  It was so good!  We all played a game Who/What/Where, her and the kids were so good at it!  Paul helped Vincent.  You draw pictures of the three cards you draw, the kids were amazing with their details, oh and it's timed!  I was amazed anyone guessed mine!

Gwen, I hope you find good takeout somewhere, Chinese is usually the one restaurant you can count on being open on Christmas!   My mom ate at one on Christmas once.

Going to our Church Christmas Program today and dinner afterwards!  Ham + our side dishes, should be good.  I fixed a Keto Coffee Cake yesterday and took, was okay, next time will bake 5 min. less and cut back on sweetener, but it was still good.  Bringing sausage balls for today.

Merry Christmas everyone!  Merry Christmas @MartyT

 

[Margm]

We met a man on Facebook, never knew him, he lives in Texas and he took up with my kids.  Kelli is "Sunshine" and I'm Mama, Scott is "nightrider."  He really has no one.  He has friends.  He wakes up each morning to greet us from the nursing home.  He is in there because he has rheumatoid arthritis and they move him around.  He does complain of the pain.  No matter how he hurts, he tries to be cheerful.  He does have beginnings of dementia. I cannot be like him, it would be a total pretense on my part, I'm bitchy and sometimes I do not like to be around me.  I've learned though, really learned and accepted, if I fuss with someone, it causes anxiety I cannot run away from.  And, God Bless, he has allowed me to forget something that is said that used to would make me argue.  Arguing gives me anxiety.  I just open a book, get into it, and find I forget what was said, a lot easier.  Maybe that is one of the perks of aging, maybe the forgetfulness is a blessing instead of the curse I thought it was.  I keep my  keys in left pocket, phone in right pocket, purse hanging on the elliptical machine with my sweater, and as long as I remember it is me driving, I'm better.  It helps having about 20 pair of the same style pants I have acquired over the years.  The black ones are dressy enough, they are so comfortable, if it is a little cooler, I can sleep in them.  (I can always spray the old woman odor away with all the peppermint and candy caramel apple sprays they bought me.  

[Widow2015]

No, doesn't seem like Christmas I would like to be a part of anymore.  I didn't accomplish any decorations this year except a plastic holly wreath that I've had for years.  It was the only decoration I could retrieve off the shelf with the long handheld grabber.  Did get a swag hung outside my front door the neighbor gave me. 

I started my reply earlier this morning.  I had to stop after receiving a text from my son telling me my grandson would come over and help me walk over for gift exchange and our small family Christmas celebration.  I had to say "No, not yet" had not had coffee yet much less brushed my teeth or washed my face.  No one told me what time so I assumed it would be later in the day.  Finally got over there and spent a nice day in the middle of a lot of activities with all the animals and the commotion and chatter.  This old lady is not accustomed to being around such motion.  It was a nice day and enjoyed a light meal of soup, rolls, cheeses and snax, and homemade Christmas cookies. 

It wasn't at all like the Christmases we once had, but it was their Christmas.  I was thankful to be a part of it.   And especially thankful the weather has warmed up and no ice and snow.

Merry Christmas to all of you good folks.  Dee

[KarenK]

Not Christmas at all. Just me, dogs, tv, and Kindle. Son sleeping as he works tonight. Grandson playing video games online. Pizza for dinner. Posted about my gift in the "Positives".

And another one bites the dust.

[kayc]

I compromised, put up a tree and minimal decorations, didn't display my nativity or music boxes, do tablecloth, etc.  Christmas tree's middle strand went out (built into tree), looks stupid now.  Ordered a tree two day shipping with Amazon, never did come, never reached the post office, stuck with whoever their carrier is!  Requested refund, still waiting. ha!  Canceled, still need to order a tree again.

Went to the church, ordered to help in kitchen...was in there three hours, bandages got wet so took it off, someone finally relieved me from dishes but still did a ton of clean up, putting food away, cleaning out bowls, I can't lift some of them to scrape them, I don't have the strength, people don't get that, I guess they think I'm jawing my mouth, let me just say they wouldn't want to be me...

Took Kodie to his playdate, gave Iris a present, that was it for Christmas, no phone calls.  Texted kids, didn't hear back.  

Marg, I think I've heard of your Kelly, he sounds like a nice man, I'm glad you guys can visit him.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Found a Chinese place.  SO expensive.  We have food here but it’s the same stuff we ell.the time.  Looked at the cost and vetoed it.  Church had meals we didn’t know plus gift cars a person picked up for us, so have options.  I do, Dee already ate and picked up the other stuff.  I was very surprised the volunteers came out. 
 

Back to mild temperatures but now rain and high winds +coming.  Nothing like back east tho.  I really feel for everyone in the path of those storms.  
 

I called the on call surgeon.  Now I'm being  told not to walk as much as I have, or when it is painful.  Well, that would be every time I stand up.  Just keeps getting more complicated and confusing.  Thought Dee and I were having a decent day, but I do something that annoys her in some way.  Gets wearisome.  Last night it was identical gift cards and I said we should put our names on each so we don’t delete the others by mistake.  Seemed logical to me.  She went bonkers about not caring about money.  How that’s all I care about.  Left 5 minutes into the and hasn’t been back.  On the phone with someone.  We were fine at dinner and after she had gone to talk to someone to end a relationship.  She’s  Been back being nice again.  
 

Have to get to sleep rituals.  She’s pissed and shut her door.  So be it.

[Margm]

I think what gets me the most is the gift giving.  Again, my fluffy grandmother comes to mind.  I have to have inherited her personality.  Give us old folks lotion for dry skin, smell good sprays, yogurt covered pretzels, just little things that we don't have to clutter up, for when we are gone.  The childhood presents of little Angels, crosses, etc., they can be kept for future generations.  My sister went "all out" possibly because she sees it as maybe her last.  That is all I can figure.  I know she could not afford all that she bought. Maybe that is "remember me" type of thing.  I really appreciate my grandmother when Christmas comes around.  Old farmhouse, fireplace main source of heat.  She wore layering clothes before it became "in" and that was just to keep warm.  Of course, all the grown children and grandchildren, even drawing names, you still wanted to get "Mama" a present.  And, she didn't need the presents.  Didn't want them.  She kept drawers of the wardrobe full of presents.  Then, Christmas came, she recycled them.  "I gave that to Mama on Mother's Day" sometimes could be heard.  It was brand new, had not even been taken out of the box.  Bah Humbug.

I'm glad it is over with and await next holiday.  I think it is ironic, in talking to my friends, the widows are the ones who dislike the holidays.  Guess this is normal.  

[Gwenivere]

This is so very normal.  People not in this kind of grief cannot understand it.  That makes sense.  Everyone I know can connect on losing other family.  Some deeply, some not.  All normal too.  
 

Dee wasn’t drinking last night.  All that anger and pain she has caused me to wonder if we will survive.  I’ve been dragged into a messed up situation with her and another woman’s drama with no choice.  The woman is toxic.  She’s proven herself as a liar and playing games, yet Dee falls back into them after a time.  Stirs up her annoyances with me.   I know any 2 people will have them, but not like this.  
 

We talked it over.  Ways to it not escalating to the level of the night before.

Still waiting for the. Holiday shows to end.

[kayc]

Gwen, sorry you had another bout with Dee, you realize you can't please her because the possibility doesn't exist, she has issues, they're hers to work out or not.

I'm so glad the church came through with meals/gift cards and people volunteered on that day!

My blister broke on my little finger, that was the one I was concerned about, it was the helping in the kitchen that did it in, now I have to fight infection, what I didn't want.  I'm still not happy about what happened, they should have planned better without me in on it this time in light of my handicap and wounds..  Three more weeks and I'm done.  They can't order me about if I'm not there.

Woke up at midnight with electricity going out.  Woke up at 2 from a huge wind storm!  Didn't get back to sleep.  LOTS of branches down in the yard!  Sigh.  I can see what is ahead for me today.

Got the ashes cleaned out of the wood stove 5 gal. bucket to the brim and left some inside the wood stove, built a fire, it was cold.  Vacuumed, cleaned vacuum, can't get the roller back on no matter how hard I tried.  Dusted, OMG what a mess it made of the house!  Middle strand of Christmas tree went out on Christmas, looks annoying.  Went on line yesterday to find a new one, tried Overstock, Sears (where I bought this one originally), WalMart, eBay, Amazon.  Wanted 7 ft with 4 ft diameter bottom, nope, got a 6 ft one as I didn't want to pay $369!  Ended up with the same one I canceled because it didn't come by Christmas, this time $20 cheaper at $99.  IF the sellers don't cancel because I canceled the last time.  It never did show up in USPS!  Will see what happens, National Christmas Tree on Amazon...

Quiet Christmas, no phone calls or texts.  Day after also but did get a response text from son yesterday.  

Still need to take the tree down but too tired to care at this point.  I did this for you, George.

[Margm]

I just took down my Christmas wreath off the door and replaced it with my Mardi Gras wreath.

[Widow2015]

Marg: As they say in New Orleans, “Laissez les bons temps rouler”!  Dee

[KarenK]

Kay, I had wondered what you were doing on cleanup duty at the church. Surely they could see that you are injured. I thought part of church belief was to help those in need, not take advantage of them. IMHO, no church has the right to ORDER someone to do something, especially if it's harmful, although many of them do. You do so much for them already. Hope there's no infection. Sure wish someone would volunteer to give you a hand when you need it.

[kevin]

Gwen, Santa Clause(my #2 Son) bought us two season tickets to our local Professional Football team......Looking to get back into following the team closely.....I still watch lots of NFL, getting interesting..Happy New Year

[Gwenivere]

We knew the Seahawks weren’t going to win. But we hyng in there.  Now it’s official unless some other team messes up which is doubtful.  We could use the positive vibe.  
 

Hell of a day.  Very rainy and windy.  I had a lot of med calls and confusion in them. Was trying. to sort out s ome double billing with Best Buy which took forever  on hold and then cut off.  Loud Xmas music on hold.  Got dropped during the call.  Rep never called back like they say they will.  Power went out.  Found out my spare oxygen was drained.  Couldn’t get little bottles that were in the garage needing power to open t. Getting full big canisters today.  Dee's driving me crazy about some nail cream she can’t find that she claims I told her to move.  Also upset with me about something else too but won’t tell me…….yet. I only have been told it has to do with me but not what I can do as I've told her she can be too cruel which is true.

So now it’s late and I need some down time alone before bed.  I can’t fight an invisible foe.

 

[KarenK]

Just sounds like Dee can't live with anyone but herself. Of course then, she'd have no one else to blame for things. Maybe someday she will realize how fortunate she is to have a home there.

Supposed to rain here for the next few days. I don't expect much.

Although I played sports as a kid, I'm not much of a sports fan except I enjoy watching figure skating and I liked the Diamondbacks baseball team many moons ago. Ron and a friend watched football. The Super Bowl is being held here. Although the stadium is about 20 miles from me, I'm sure the traffic in the valley will be horrendous. It's crowded enough here in winter because of the "Snowbirds" already. Glad I won't be out and about.

[kayc]

Quite a storm yesterday, went into night so I know there'll be more branches down to pick up, ugh.  Fell asleep by 7 last night.

Karen, It was Laurel, I guess she didn't think of my welfare, just getting the job done, honestly, it wasn't planned well, that should have been considered and covered beforehand or they shouldn't have done it.  Cindy worked all day Christmas Eve but wasn't in there helping clean up Sunday.  And Kaya never stays.  They can do without me next year!  My poor hands have had it.  I appreciate Heidi stepping in to do dishes, I really do, she's a sweetheart, but honestly, trying to scrape pots/pans was very hard on my hands.  They didn't get much rest yesterday, doesn't look like they will today either, will see when it's light.  I hope it's not as bad as all the branches down yesterday!

Gwen, I'm sorry you continually have Dee's issues to deal with, I realize your predicament, it is very hard!  Iris told me yesterday "You alone are in charge of your boundaries." and she went in the house.  It felt she didn't listen or care, both of which I needed.  Sometimes we don't need a dismissive cliche, we need someone to care and I felt it dismissive and neither.  I imagine you feel that a lot.  I am so sorry for your situation, which is even harder than my own.  

[Margm]

I used to tell my grandson he was master of his own ship, so he now keeps it moored in jail.  Better than the cold, I suspect, don't know, I've never visited that country.

Glad the holidays are nearly over, but we have the New Year fireworks and then a bunch of pups will have their picture on FB as missing.  Scared of the noise.  

My mom quit going to her (and daddy's) church after he passed.  They wanted her to cook cakes and pies so often.  The church she went to was an old country church filled with lifelong people that all knew each other and did not know her.  No one ever visited or requested anything from her, but that is what she wanted.  She was invisible.

There are people who would be so happy to help for a place that is warm, out of the weather.  Even people with good personalities, people willing to help, instead of asking what can you do for them.  I wish everyone had .............enough.  

[Gwenivere]

I talked to Dee first thing yesterday morning.  Said enough is enough.  I will not be criticized for my normal activities.  She herself said many times my iPad was my lifeline to the world.  I have always put it down when we have something to talk about.  That I won’t do that anymore to talk about heavy subjects before bed.  That I never have never, ever commented or judged anything she was doing when she is by herself.  She says she gets it, but I never know.  Just have to stand firm and consistent.  Free myself.  If she doesn’t partake in movie time, so be it.  I’m done.

Missed my chance getting a shower yesterday because of the oxygen delivery which Dee said she’d handle after I told my aide no.  Couldn’t get her back. Now it’s Friday.  It’s never simple.  If I hadn’t needed the tanks, it would be done and over.  Now I have to call about aDTV remote, get rid of all excess insurance on Steve’s van and my SS payments not matching a letter I have.  Probably kicks in 2023.  
 

I'd talk more but yesterday was more draining than I expected and living them again before having to do so again today is enough.  It was interesting I thought it was Saturday the past half hour.  🤪

[kayc]

I'm glad you got the tanks.  When can your aide come do your shower again?  (Today's Thursday so not sure if you meant the aide is rescheduled Friday or if you thought today was Friday).  I'm sorry you had to cancel but yes, oxygen is priority.

Still storming/windy, more branches down, I mean all over!  The road has been covered.  Since my blisters burst on my burn, having to be careful not to get dirty/infected so have to wear gloves outside.

 

[Margm]

I read that the Oregon/Washington and other parts of the west coast will get bad weather.  We had bone cold weather over last week end and this week end we are back to 72 degrees right now.  My nephew wrote that the concrete they use fixing the roads, I guess, had a slimy feel to it like in 1978, the day before the Bossier tornado.  These fast weather changes in the south are not good.  I have my fan on and it is 72 degrees.  

My lifelong friend, she took care of her husband through years of cardiology problems and paid no attention to her own problems.  She lives on the lake and does not want to leave.  She has two sisters and two daughters that would have been at her house if they knew she went without heat two days in the cold weather.  Could not get butane to her until a couple of days ago.  She does not need it right now.  She did like my mom would have done.  She had electricity, so she just bundled up.  She is fighting kidney failure and congestive heart failure.  She wants to fight it in her own home, but if she can't, she will allow them to help.  She is so happy every time I talk to her.  She lost two husbands.  How can I possibly feel sorry for myself.  (I defy reality, I can feel sorry for me).  

You west coast folks, keep warm.  

My sister is at the surgeon in the big city seeing if the tumor can now be resected, or removed.  I hope she gets good report.  My tummy is keeping me close to my necessity and I stayed home.  She will call.  She hates my driving and I'm not fond of her smoking, but she is down to about four a day and can breathe much better.  Not being able to smoke in her apartment has made her cut down, and she doesn't seem to mind.  

[Gwenivere]

I talked to Dee first thing yesterday morning.  Said enough is enough.  I will not be criticized for my normal activities.  She herself said many times my iPad was my lifeline to the world.  I have always put it down when we have something to talk about.  That I won’t do that anymore to talk about heavy subjects right before bed.  That I never have never, ever commented or judged anything she was doing when she is by herself.  She says she gets it, but I never know.  Just have to stand firm and consistent.  Free myself.  If she doesn’t partake in movie time, so be it.  I’m done.

Missed my chance getting a shower yesterday because of the oxygen delivery which Dee said she’d handle after I told my aide no.  Couldn’t get her back. Now it’s Friday.  It’s never simple.  If I hadn’t needed the tanks, it would be done and over.  Now I have to call about a DTV remote, get rid of all excess insurance on Steve’s van and my SS payments not matching a letter I have.  Probably kicks in 2023.  
 

I'd talk more but yesterday was more draining than I expected and living them again before having to do so again today is enough.🤪

********************

This is Thursday night.  Nightmare nightmare night Weds.  Dee so emotionally strung out.  Wouldn’t let me help them angry I didn’t.  I’m an involuntary pawn in a twisted game with her and Robin.  Told her today I want no part of it.  Amazingly she understood.  Asked if I would give advice if needed and I agreed to that.  But no more blow by blow details.  
 

I was so stressed and tired I slept my 7 hours and didn’t move a bit yesterday.  Felt off all day.  Counseling was totally consumed by this D/Robin thing.  Picked out From Hell for movie time with Johnny Depp.  Hoping Dee  doesn’t get so down it is ruined again.  Been a long time we had a decent viewing.  
 

No response about a shower.  I’m not sure I can handle it well.
 

Got a Xmas card fr om a long ago friend who has no idea about what has happened to me in ears.  Always says we will get together but never does.   Same thingvf this year am replying briefly why it won’t happen.  Don’t really want a visit to hear about the letter peoples put in cards I never read.  

Successful movie night.  Hope sleep goes better.

💕 to all.

 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I wish there was an easy solution to correcting the Dee problem. I just hate what it's doing to you. If you agree to give advice, you are becoming a part of the Dee/Robin thing. They have been around each other long enough for Dee to figure this out on her own. Being in the middle is dangerous. Please be careful.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Don’t really want a visit to hear about the letter peoples put in cards I never read.  

Haha, I just threw mine away yesterday!  Kept one card that was special, one insert, that's it, missed my son/DIL sending a family photo, no such one this year, don't know if it was the mail or just didn't get done.  I'm horrible at taking pictures, I tried to get one of Panther and Kodie day before and it came out so blurry, maybe my hands shake too much, I know someday I'll regret not having more.

4 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Being in the middle is dangerous. Please be careful.

Yes!  

I wish you could get a response about a shower, you need a date!