Perkins808 Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 I saw this posted in another thread.....and thought I'd spend some time putting into words what I've learned in the last year. What I’ve learned in the last year….. I’ve learned that even when I think I have no more tears left, I can still cry for hours. I’ve learned that most times when people ask how I am, they don’t really want to know. I’ve learned that I get signs all the time, I just have to be open to getting them. I’ve learned that doing things for others sometimes takes my mind off of my own problems. I’ve learned that no matter how much my heart hurts, the sun still comes up every day. I’ve learned that when people tell me who they really are, I really need to listen. I’ve learned that I should never put the teakettle on to boil water and then walk out of the room. I’ve learned that after a short period of time, people run out of sympathy for grief. I’ve learned that I am stronger than I think I am. I’ve learned that no matter how much I do, I will never be able to keep everyone happy. I’ve learned that even when I do things with the purest of intentions, someone will always think I have an ulterior motive. I’ve learned that no matter how little carpeting there is in the house, that’s where the dog will throw up. I’ve learned to trust in my instincts and listen to my heart. I’ve learned that the IRS doesn’t really care that I’ve lost my husband, will pay out a tax return to whoever files with his social security number first, and then leave me jumping through hoops to prove that I am entitled to file for him. I’ve learned that when you lose someone so close to you, you sometimes lose others as well. I’ve learned that I can be surrounded by so many loving, caring people….and still feel so all alone. I’ve learned that I can not only take the washing machine apart, I can put it back together without consulting the owner’s manual. I’ve learned that I have very little patience for petty stuff. I’ve learned that the Jeep (a standard that I just figured out how to drive) will only stall in an intersection if there is a long line of cars behind me. I’ve learned how to jumpstart a car all by myself. I’ve learned that you can never take too many pictures. I’ve learned that although I may not know the names of the tools in the toolbox, I’ve quickly learned what each one of them is for. I’ve learned that hearing certain songs on the radio will reduce me to tears in seconds. I’ve learned that God does answer prayers, just not in the way that you want or expect him to. I’ve learned to ask for help and to accept it. I’ve learned that sometimes something as simple as a smile can make someone’s day. I’ve learned that although I may not like it, life goes on. I’ve learned that every day…..I learn something new. Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkpony Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 I love your list, I've learned a lot of those same things & it hasn't been a year yet. thank you for sharing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Wonderful, Tammy ~ and what a terrific idea for a whole new thread! Anyone else care to share? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Tammy: Thank you for that post. I'm learning that I am not crazy and my feelings and emotions are perfectfully normal for a grieving spouse. Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 I am learning to remember to be grateful for what I had that so many others never have. I am learning that I will grieve as long as I grieve I am learning that most others will not understand because they have not trod this path. I am learning how supportive people on this forum are. I am trying to learn to not focus on regrets and guilt-I did my best. I am learning to remember his blue eyes and bright smile more often than our loss. I learned that all that Tammy wrote is true for me also. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 I have learned that the pain can somewhat fade. I have learned that it hurts that the pain can fade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 I have learned to control my grief not let grief control me. I have learned to Love again, something I did not think was possible. I have learned to like myself. I have learned to enjoy the little things in life. I have learned I no longer take life for granted. I have learned to live life one day at a time. NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Tammy, Thank you for being able to put my thoughts and experiences to words. Your thoughts feel so familiar and lets me know that I am not alone and maybe I'm not crazy because I feel this way. I am still having so many problems expressing my feelings,often go numb when I try. It feels like 1/2 of my brain has been removed. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to leave a room without checking things to be sure that I didn't leave a burner on or leave the water running in the bathroom sink. Your gentle caring spirit is evident in your posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 I had to laugh when I read about checking to see whats on the stove. You all don't want to know how many pots I have burnt in the last five years. Including burner covers, only those that are going thru this would understand! Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 I've learned... • I can survive what I never thought was survivable • that people I thought would be there for me, wouldn't • that people I didn't know would be my new friends • that God does indeed somehow help us through it • that I am stronger than I ever realized • that it's in going through these things that develops empathy in us for others • that you can overlook differences and focus on commonality • what's important, and what isn't • to appreciate • to stand up for myself and be my own spokeswoman • people may care but be inept at showing it • that however I feel is okay and normal • that feelings are not meant to be a barometer of anything • that to focus on yesterday is to invite guilt, and to focus on tomorrow is to invite anxiety • while we learn from yesterday and plan for tomorrow, to stay in the present • to incorporate the use of all senses to stay in the present • engage for five minutes • reach out to others • to forgive myself for my mistakes and learn from them • nothing prepares us for a loss of this magnitude • life has it's stages and the time with our loved one was one of them, our future is another one • you can't circumvent grief, but must go straight through it • people who have not gone through it cannot possibly understand what it's like • not to give in to depression • people do indeed have little patience for our grief • in the end, who you have is yourself so be your own best friend • take care of yourself, no one else will • find joy in each day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Here are some things I have learned: I can tell a serviceman that I don't believe him when he tells me something I know is not broken needs to be fixed. The whole world did not end with Dick's death, just the world I knew before that event. My world will go on, it will be different, but it will be Life can be less stressful and sad My memory and concentration will come back I can find joy I will miss Dick for the rest of my life Fond memories are comforting I am strong I will laugh again I will never figure out how to add pictures to stuff on the computer!! Technology will always be a mystery to me and that's OK! My dogs are my very best friends and love me unconditionally I can comfort others who are grieving and feel good about helping Getting up in the morning and facing the day can be a good thing I will be OK!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 A great list, Tammy. I could relate to just about all of them (save the jumpstarting one). What I've learned, at three years - that I will grieve Joe until I die. But - it that realization, it sets me free, in a way. Its sets me free from putting pressure on myself to fit in, to get over it, to move on. It sets me free to let go of society's expectations of where I should be and what I should be doing. It sets me free to remember with tears, with laughter, with conversations in my head, and let the thoughts happen when they happen. It sets me free to know that it's all inside of me now, that I don't have to answer to anyone but G-d and myself. That's what I've learned. Hugs, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 What I have learned, Is that I have just one good friend, Donna who was Pauline's best friend, and her husband Greg. No one else cares about my grieving over the loss of Pauline. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 20, 2011 Report Share Posted June 20, 2011 Wow, Dwayne, that is amazing. Well I'm glad you have Donna and her husband. And we care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissie Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I think all of you have covered what I've learned except one thing! I've learned not to try to back up a trailer unless you know how! Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne E Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I think all of you have covered what I've learned except one thing! I've learned not to try to back up a trailer unless you know how! Chris I think you're brave to even try! Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I've learned: to treasure family and friends. that I'm capable of doing many things I thought were impossible. to make good major decisions without asking my children to better understand others who have lost a loved one to accept me for who I've become to accept however long the grieving takes Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Well, Chris, aren't you going to tell us the REST of the story?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Chris, that's funny! If I had a better memory I'm sure I could tell similar things. Luther once said 99% of sin is forgotten...with me it's more like 99% of everything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissie Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Marty I'll tell you the rest of the story later, gotta run to a doctors appt. More to come Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I learned it feels good to help a friend in need. Today after the Doctor visit, still with the Foley and bag on my leg. I was in Rite Aid getting a script filled and my Friend called. When I got in the car I called him back. He asked me if I could go to his Doctor's office and pick up his script for his pain med. Greg is the one that was on his motor cycle and a car hit him. He came hoe a week ago Monday. Then go to CVS and fill the script, and bring it to him. It was pouring rain. I had on my Stetson UV blocker straw hat. Al though with the Foley it is burning pain when you walk. I told him yes I would. It took me about 1 1/2 hours to get his script to him, it felt good to be able to do that for him. I know he is in a lot more pain than I am and why should he have to wait until Donna gets done at her salon. I was so happy to do that for him. Both Donna and Greg are my support group. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Dwayne, that was so thoughtful and kind of you to do that, despite the discomfort and pain it caused you. You are a faithful and true friend, and it's so good to know that Donna and Greg are in your life. You know that they are willing to "be there" for you, too, and I hope you will give them more opportunities to offer you the support that you need and deserve. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi Dwayne, I am glad you were able to help your friend...I know that feels good and for a moment takes us out of our own pain. I doubt his pain is worse than yours, however...i don't think we can compare pain. You are in your own pain and he is in his....Just did not want you to minimize yours. I wish you healing and peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 A close friend of mine has just lost a close friend of hers who suffered a sudden heart attack. I hadn't met the lady in question but had heard about all the ups and downs of her life and her family over many years through my friend. I realise now that I have truly learned and acquired empathy for all those who lose someone dear - all I can think about is what her husband will be going through in these early days, and what is yet to come for him and his adult children. The funeral is tomorrow. I will write to him at some point soon with gentle words of encouragement. Before I would have thought I knew how he would be feeling - and would have underestimated his pain by a zillion percent, as we all know!!! I guess, this also qualifies in the 'positives' thread..Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissie Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 As promised, the rest of the trailer story. My 8yr old grandaughter wanted to come visit me in Az and go to Williams to fish and ride the UTV like grandpa did. So I decided, why not, I'd helped Tim a thousand times hook up the trailer and load the ranger. All went well, & off we went, keeping in mind I'd only pulled a trailer one other time, and NOT by myself. We made it, and had a wonderful time. Got home, and that's when I realized I had to back up the trailer to park it. Can't be that hard, right Every time I turned the wheel one way the trailer went the opposite way and I managed to crack both fiberglass fenders. Then to top it off, my grandaughter, bless her heart, looks at me, shaking her head and says, "Good thing grandpa's in heaven, cause I don't think he's very happy right now." The frustration and tears turned to laughter and somehow I got everything parked. Now you would think I'd learn my lesson about venturing out, but NO!! This 4th of July weekend I'm going to try camping. That could be a whole other story!! Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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