He's gone and I cannot believe it...

[iheartm]

I wrote the following to a few friends this past weekend.... I am so crushed and heartbroken.

My husband died 6 weeks ago after a sudden illness and short hospitalization.

To say that I am shattered beyond all measure is such an understatement. 

You try to talk yourself out of grief by thinking things like, “Well, at least you didn’t have kids. Imagine having to explain this to small children.” “at least he wasn’t a crime victim.” “At least he wasn’t in his 30s.” Of course, none of these things work, but you try them anyway because you have to try something.

You feel like if you just cry enough, if you stare at a picture of them long enough that some trap door will open and the person will reappear to comfort you or even better, come back. You think to yourself, “Okay, I get it. The joke is over, you can come out now.” 

You just know that there is no way they would ever leave you and leave you all alone and you keep thinking, “Wow, you would never do this to me. What happened? How am I supposed to live without you?” You drive home every day feeling so lonely and sad that no one will say, “Hey Babe, how was your day?” when you walk in. 

If you got a divorce, the person would have packed up their things and left. In this case, the separation was not voluntary, and you have reminders all around you: the toothbrush in the holder, the bottle of cologne that emits a burst of scent every time you open the medicine cabinet, the socks that were left on the arm of the love seat, the closet full of clothing. 

The note on the refrigerator that says, “Be Right Back” with a heart drawn on that he made years ago to leave on the table when he went out for a bit. There’s the M-heart-A that he drew on the dry erase board on the fridge. The Hershey bar that I found in the bag he carried when he went into the city. His favorite juice in the fridge and bag of kettle chips that I do not drink or eat but cannot get myself to get rid of them.

It’s the times that you see something and think, “I can’t wait to tell him….” but then you are reminded that you can’t tell him anything anymore. Well, you can tell him, but it’s not the same. You realize all of the things that you enjoyed doing before weren’t just because you enjoyed doing those “things” but rather because you were doing them together.

Text messages and emails add more grief in the short term. “Leaving in 5, you see you in a bit,” I wrote a few days before he got sick. “Yay! We’ll be here,” he replied…

Logging into Seamless to order a meal shows your prior orders and you remember last June when he had the meatloaf with mashed and corn and said how good it was “but they give you too much.” 

The sporting events that you now watch solo but can’t stop yourself from saying out loud, “Wow, did you see that?”  Oh wait, you didn’t see it because you’re not here anymore. 

Sometimes, you can function. A little. You think that you have to accept what is and you plod through your day thinking maybe you are really getting it this time. But then, out of nowhere, at all times of the day and night, you become flooded with tears and think, “I just want him back.” 

Going out to run errands and realizing that there is no one home waiting for you or anyone to call and say “Hey, do we need soap?” or “Do you want me to pick up a pizza?” That connection that you have— and don’t realize— to someone waiting for you at home is not noticeable or thought about until it’s gone forever.

Sharing the news with his circle of people: his haircutter, the local coffee shop that he had breakfast in everyday, the local bank… you get the idea. So many in the neighborhood knew him as such a nice guy and seeing their reactions is heartbreaking. 

Going through his things produced more heartbreak: a note he wrote to himself to remember to pick up cat food paper towels and juice. His handwriting staring up at me as the tears flow.  The Christmas presents I found in the closet wrapped in tissue paper, one of them tagged “To Mommy, Love Kacie.”

I constantly look at his picture and say, “I hope you can hear me.”

It’s just impossible for me to believe that he’d go away and leave me here. There’s no chance he would do that so why? 

[enna]

I wish someone would come up with words that ease the pain in our hearts when someone we love dies. I think the best we can do is let the person know that we hear them. Sometimes our presence is all that is needed.

I am so sorry for your loss. It does help to share here on this forum. None of us want to be here but what I have found is those who do come here are caring and nonjudgmental. We ’get it’ and listen with our heart and don’t try to ‘fix’ anyone for we know that our lives have changed forever.

Many of us find comfort coming here and I wish that for you.

Anne

[iheartm]

Thank you for your kind words. I was happy to find this forum but was unable to find the words to convey that I'm glad I am not alone but I would not wish this on anyone else so it sounded weird. I had him cremated and his ashes sit on a corner table with mementos and a large framed photograph of him looking right at the camera so no matter what angle, he is looking right at you It's such a beautiful picture of him.

I take such comfort in the fact that he is here with me but am just so terribly sad. I well up in tears constantly no matter where I am and whether or not a trigger goes off. It's difficult at work or in the market when this happens. I have a good support system of friends who are there for me but I feel so alone. We were together for about 25 years and I cannot imagine life without him. I don't have a close family so it was just the two of us for so very long. 

One thing this is taught me: there is no such thing as crazy. A few short months ago, if I heard that someone was talking to a picture, I would think they might be a little bit kooky but boy oh boy nothing could be further from the truth. You never truly understand something until you are there yourself and I was so wrong to think that way. I am so comforted in saying "Hey there, dude," when I get home from work, or make a comment about the cat or whatever else. It gives me a sort of peace for a minute or two. And then I cry. I know time will ease the pain but the loss is just so huge and was so sudden that I am mired in such sadness right now.

[Margm]

Iheartm, I talk to Billy all the time.  I talk to the walls, I talk to the air, I talk in the truck, I put his beautiful wood urn in the passenger seat on pillows with the seat belt on it, at home I built him a shrine.  But the pictures..........I cannot do that yet.  I want to touch those high cheek bones of his and his beautiful hands.  I have him with me, but I don't have him at all.  We all go through this.  We are all in pain.  I quit trying to count time but October 17th will be etched in my mind forever.  I am not young.  I don't have many years, months, days, and I will never question "when its your time you will go" again.  I was going to be so smart, we were going to RV again and outrun death.  Cannot outrun death.  I had two miracles for myself and none for him.  That is not fair.  I would have gladly given him one of mine.  I wanted a miracle so bad.  It was not to be.  One thing you can find on here is empathy.  We all know empathy.  So sorry you have to meet us like this, but there are good people on here and we all hurt.

[scba]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my soulmate too and still I don't know how to integrate well this tragedy after 15 months. Like Margareth said, I have him but I don't have him at all, and this is very hard to cope and to live with when there is so much love in our souls and so little else to do without them here. This is a place of compassion and understanding.

[Guest Janka]

Dear iheartm,

I´m very sorry for your so precious loss!You came to find a comfort,support,peace and understanding here,sharing with others going through the same journey as you.I truly hope that you´ll find what you´re looking for and we all will try to lessen your pain and grief as much as possible.Please,come in as often as needed.We all are here for you,listening all the time and helpful on this hard yourney.You´re not alone at all.

With love Janka

[iPraiseHim]

I can relate so much to your life story and grief. My wife and I have no children and pretty much keep to ourselves. This group has helped me so much in coping with the loss and grief. I am approaching the one year mark of my beloved wife's death and your story sums up my journey.  I followed the helpful suggestions in the group and to share to both help myself and others to realize that we are not alone in the journey. The loneliness is the loss of life and companionship of my best friend, my soul mate; my wife.  I still talk to her (myself) everyday.  It somehow gives me comfort and helps me to cope.  I still hope that I will wake up from this awful dream and return to the happy life we shared each day.... There is always tomorrow.  Shalom

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, iheartm said:

One thing this is taught me: there is no such thing as crazy. A few short months ago, if I heard that someone was talking to a picture, I would think they might be a little bit kooky but boy oh boy nothing could be further from the truth. You never truly understand something until you are there yourself and I was so wrong to think that way. 

I'm glad you realize you aren't crazy.  It's so easy to feel,that way until we realize and remind ourselves that this loss is the biggest we will ever face.  I've talked, yelled, cried and begged my husband to come home.  Nothing in the world feels right without him.  Our home I'd filled with his presence like notes and his personal things.  As many have said, and not in these words, but if we could wish anything for you it is that you didn't join us.  But since you have, you will have all we can give you as best we can.  Don't feel bad you didn't understand before.  It's impossible to do until it happens to you.  You weren't wrong, you just had no reason to understand.  Sadly you do now and for that I am so sorry.  

[hollowheart]

iheartm,

I didn't lose a spouse, but so much you said rang true for me, especially the line about you weren't enjoying things because you enjoyed them but because you enjoyed doing them together. Amen! on that that.

I also miss enjoying doing things with my sister that she really enjoyed doing too, not just with someone who is there as company. Not having that person to share your fun and findings with is so awful and heartbreaking. I can imagine what my sister would say and her reactions, but it's not the same. We had a lot of fun together. *sobbing*

[kayc]

iheartm,

I am so sorry.  What you wrote could be what any one of us wrote, early on in our grief.  No they didn't just leave, it's something that happened to them, no more their choice than ours.  It's been 10 1/2 years since my husband's been gone and I still talk to his picture!  More than I care to admit.

[iheartm]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I had several breakdowns at work today and am so grateful to have such a nice group of people there who are very supportive of me. I stopped in the supermarket on my way home from work and once again, I welled up as soon as I got onto the checkout line. The incredible sadness that washes over me with no notice is just exhausting. My crying is such coming from such a deep level that it takes up every ounce of my being. I'm just so incredibly devastated.

A couple of colleagues of mine lost their spouses suddenly in past years and spoke to me about the pain that will be everlasting but more dull as time goes on. They assured me that they knew I would not believe them when they said it gets easier and that they did not believe it either when they were experiencing their losses. I am just going with whatever comes as far as feelings go but it's just so terribly awful because it is like my right arm has been cut off. 

This is a nice place. It is comforting to be around people who know exactly what you are dealing with. 

[kayc]

We do understand, been there!  And they're right, we eventually learn to live with it, and the pain isn't as excruciating after a few years as it is right now, you learn to carry your loss with you, it never quite leaves you.  But you do learn to laugh again, although you might have to give yourself permission and learn that you don't need to feel guilty for doing so, and it doesn't mean you're leaving him behind or love him any less.  It's just all a part of the process of grief.

It was hard for me to get groceries the first year because that was something we always did together and bagging groceries was a trigger for me, but I do it and most of the time it's not too bad, although it still hits once in a while when I see a close couple doing just that. 

Maybe it's not that it gets easier, but we learn to carry it and adjust somewhat.  I still have times where it hits me, even after all these years.  Not a day goes by but what I think of him and miss him...it's always with me.

[hollowheart]

16 hours ago, iheartm said:

 I am just going with whatever comes as far as feelings go but it's just so terribly awful because it is like my right arm has been cut off. 

That's all you can do. When you're sad be sad, when you're angry, be angry, when you're happy, be happy. The feelings will revolve and you will wonder how you can feel OK Monday and be stilted by devastating grief Wednesday and hating the world on Saturday.

Grief and sadness is exhausting as it weighs you down, but it does get lighter. I hate the feeling of just suddenly without the life you once knew. Despite my anger and usual pessimistic attitude, I do try to believe we get a little bit of light in our lives everyday drowning out the darkness.

I remember when I was job searching and having horrible moments of rejection my sister told me that quote "If you're going through hell, keep going." I feel like this sorta applies to us too. 

[ardeer0630]

Hello everyone.  I'm a new member and I just found this forum last night and am so glad I did.  I lost my husband of 35 years just about 8 weeks ago.  It was sudden, he had a stroke and died after 2 days.  Since then the only thing that I feel is sadness.  It so empty. Even writing this posts makes me cry. I feel so alone, even though we have 3 kids together.  I cry for two, for myself and for my children.  They said it will get better.  I have isolated myself from friends.  I don't like to talk and I just wanna be left alone.  I am angry at him , how dare you leave me alone.  It has been difficult.  It comes and goes.  One day you are fine, the next day you're a mess again.  I miss him so much.  I can't believe he is not here anymore.  Nothing means anything.  I pray to God for His grace in healing me.  Thank you all for reading this.

[Froggie4635]

I lost my husband, Mark, very suddenly 14 months ago, and I still feel the same as I did the day he died.  We did not have children either, but we adopted three dogs, who were like our children, and one of them STILL grieves for his daddy.  I am able to function in my day to day life...people rely on me to keep going.  I am still under a bit of fog, muddled in my thoughts...focus is almost non-existent. I don't cry as much as I used to...but the triggers are ever present.  Especially this month.  Our wedding anniversary is Valentine's.  Can't avoid that...it is EVERYWHERE.  All I can advise to all those new to their journey is to take care of you.  I still find myself getting exhausted. Grieving takes more energy than anyone can understand.  Be kind to yourselves; take help when it is offered. Find friends who KNOW how it is and love you.  I am sorry that you have had to find your way here, but it will be something for you to turn to at those times when you need to speak, cry, scream...

[kayc]

ardeer0630,

I am so sorry you lost your husband, it sounds like you didn't get any more time to process it than I did (my husband had a heart attack, we hadn't known until that fateful weekend he even HAD heart problems!).  I hope you continue to come here and read and post, it helps to know you are not alone and that your feelings are normal under the circumstances.

[Guest Janka]

23 hours ago, ardeer0630 said:

Hello everyone.  I'm a new member and I just found this forum last night and am so glad I did.  I lost my husband of 35 years just about 8 weeks ago.  It was sudden, he had a stroke and died after 2 days.  Since then the only thing that I feel is sadness.  It so empty. Even writing this posts makes me cry. I feel so alone, even though we have 3 kids together.  I cry for two, for myself and for my children.  They said it will get better.  I have isolated myself from friends.  I don't like to talk and I just wanna be left alone.  I am angry at him , how dare you leave me alone.  It has been difficult.  It comes and goes.  One day you are fine, the next day you're a mess again.  I miss him so much.  I can't believe he is not here anymore.  Nothing means anything.  I pray to God for His grace in healing me.  Thank you all for reading this.

Dear Ardeer,

you came to the right place to be.There are many great people here who understand the way you feel,because we all go through the same journey and find much needed comfort,support and understanding here as well.I´ve also found here a few friends so precious to me.I came because of the loss of my beloved man who died suddenly within a few hours.He wasn´t ill,old or ailing at all.It were the doctors who killed him,so he could be alive now.

I´m sorry for your loss and your tears!For me it´s been 4 years now,but I write here many times with tears in my eyes too.We were together 5 years,but those 5 years mean to me much more than 50 years to someone else.It´s the hardest wound of my life and I´ll love him forever!Please,come here as often as needed.We all are listening by day and night too.You´re not alone at all.

PS:One day we´ll meet our loved ones again...for eternity...love never ends!

Hugs from Janka

[iheartm]

What a week this was... I had so many moments of terrible sadness and tears that I had to lock my office door a bunch of times. Again, the supermarket is very difficult. Walgreens. I was going to pick up Chinese food the other day on the way home and remembered that every time in the past that I went in there, I ordered for both of us and just could not do it. 

I have moments when I can smile, look at his picture and stroke his face and say hello to him but other times that is just unbearable. It's hard to believe it's now just myself and the cat. I keep thinking, "Wait, what?"

I've been talking to him some. Thanks to the people here, I don't feel weird about it and it's really comforting. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday. We are expecting very cold weather so I'll be hunkered down over the weekend with the cat and trying to keep it together but if I don't, so be it.

I wish everyone a good day tomorrow. 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, iheartm said:

 I was going to pick up Chinese food the other day on the way home and remembered that every time in the past that I went in there, I ordered for both of us and just could not do it.  

I tried that twice at our Mexican place.  Got my order and cried all the way home.  Have not been back since.  We were very close to our waitress for years.  She even gave me a sympathy card last time I got take out.  I had to tell her I doubted I would ever be back.  There are just some places not worth the cost revisiting.  I wouldn't even consider going there with a friend now.  It was our place.  Always will be.

[Gin]

Gwen....I have so many of those places that I never want to visit again.  We were avid theater goers and I will probably never go to another performance.  We held hands through the entire shows.  I gave all my season subscription tickets away.  We had our favorite Chinese restaurant, too.  Even have a gift certificate that I should give away, also.  

[Gwenivere]

Gin, it's sad we have to give up places.  Another thing we never thought old happen.  This path has so many twists and turns, it's hard to me track of.  I know you will miss those performances. Especially the hand holding.  I miss grasping Atves hands across the dinner table and looking in his eyes as we negotiated who got the last taco.  

[kayc]

I'm sorry all of you are facing that, I know what a trigger those places can be.

[Cookie]

Ardeer0630 and iheartm:  So sorry for what you are going through.  It's 8 months for me and I'm feeling pretty shaky still.  I just had a conversation with someone who lost a husband to cancer and had time to sit with him and he wrote goodbye letters, etc.  I came away feeling so distraught, as my husband had cancer but we thought he had beat it and suddenly he was rediagnosed and before I knew it he was gone.  He was fully functional up until the end--no sitting by the bedside to say goodbye, no goodbye letters.  He died lying next to me one night and I was really taken by surprise; thought we had months left.  I tried to revive him and it was not peaceful and I felt cheated.  So, just talking about this because to lose someone suddenly is so traumatic, and I think it takes time to come to terms with it.  Don't know what it would have been like to get the chance for a long, peaceful goodbye; maybe as hard.....Hugs to you all; wishing you whatever comfort you can get...love Cookie

[hollowheart]

4 hours ago, Cookie said:

  He was fully functional up until the end--no sitting by the bedside to say goodbye, no goodbye letters.  He died lying next to me one night and I was really taken by surprise; thought we had months left.  I tried to revive him and it was not peaceful and I felt cheated.  So, just talking about this because to lose someone suddenly is so traumatic, and I think it takes time to come to terms with it.  Don't know what it would have been like to get the chance for a long, peaceful goodbye; maybe as hard.....Hugs to you all; wishing you whatever comfort you can get...love Cookie

I think I would have liked the chance to say things that I always thought but never said, or to just tell her a couple personal things I never got to tell her. But knowing I was telling her on her deathbed would have been been just as traumatic to me. I just don't know.

I will never get the image of her face out of my head when I found her that morning. I think I even knew before I walked into her bedroom, it was a fear that I would find her like that but I kept pushing it aside thinking 'no, that won't happen'  but it did. Literally, my worst fear came true.

I feel cheated. I just wish she could have held on one more day. I don't know what that extra would have given us, at least a chance to get to the hospital. Hope? Something. 

Don't you know when a tragedy almost happens and you can say "whew! You could have died!' and you may even laugh about it and you can't even pretend to feel what that would actually have been like had it happened.

That happened many times to me with other people, even my cat! She climbed into the refrigerator when she was a kitten (it was a deep fridge) and had I not happenend to turn and see her I would have closed the door and gone on to eat my snack. I always thought how horrid it would be to open it up and find her in there.  It's like when you can't fathom the worst you don't know how to fathom the worst.

Had I saved my sister I wouldn't be able to fathom feeling how I feel now and know how lucky we both would have been. I wish I could have had a "Final Destination" sort of premonition to see just how awful this would be and I would done any and everything to try to save her. I don't know if that would have helped, but waking up with the knowledge of  how I feel now would have me running around do anything I could to prevent it.

 

[Cookie]

Iheartm:  I think it's healthy that you can access the feelings that are so deep.  I have trouble crying out in public and sometimes even at home.  Think I am trying to resist the pain, although, i know that is impossible.  I know what you are saying, though, about the depth of the pain and the feeling of having lost your arm.  It is excruciating.  I too have had people tell me it will lessen.  One widow told me it took her 2 years to get her life back.  Seems like a long time to endure this....hug to you, Cookie