iheartm Posted March 13, 2016 Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 For the past few days, I've been really sad. Crying in the car, at work, in the supermarket, everywhere. I have begun to have this feeling that I am just killing time here on earth until I see M again and that seems to provide comfort for a brief period of time. I have no desire to do much of anything except sit home and think about him. I am functional and doing my regular activities and stuff, but nothing that I like to do hobby wise is appealing to me at all. Nothing is enjoyable anymore since he is not here. Another thing that I have noticed is that thinking that he is watching over gives me great comfort as well but shortly after I feel that very, very comforting feeling, some switch goes off in my head saying that that doesn't happen and that he's gone and never coming back so stop trying to create a situation that does not exist. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom's angel Posted March 13, 2016 Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 Though our loss are different but I feel the same. Exact feeling. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 13, 2016 Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 My latest phase is knowing I will never see Steve again. It punches me in the gut so hard these days. It's such a reality now my mind cannot deal with it so lots and lots of crying and fear of what meaing I could ever find to ease the fear. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iheartm Posted March 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 Yep, I hear you Gwenivere. Sometimes it just cuts the legs out from under you and you think, "What?" Sometimes I am sitting here watching television and become overwhelmed with thoughts of, "Get used to this. This is your life now. He is never coming back." Then I begin to cry. It's so, so hard. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 13, 2016 Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 You are not alone in your thinking iheartm. I feel that way too, just buying my time until I see Dale again. My hobbies that I did before have no meaning to me now because he's not here to "ooh and aah" over things, which always made me feel so special and he was always so proud of what I made. I also have that those fleeting moments when I think he's watching over me and then it's gone knowing he's not here anymore. It's so sad and gut wrenching and heart breaking. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 4 hours ago, iheartm said: Sometimes I am sitting here watching television and become overwhelmed with thoughts of, "Get used to this. This is your life now. He is never coming back." Then I begin to cry. It's so, so hard. You too, eh? Here's my example. I hate game shows. But I have heard Wheel of Fortune so many times that I have come to accept it as some kind of 'comfort'. Steve would have a field day with me over this, but of course it never would have happened if he was here. So much I see makes me cry on TV too. Couples, etc. The 'this is your life now' rings true with me too. Maybe then sign we are doing better is when we are more comfortable without our screens on making us feel like we somewhat are a part of the world. They don't really do that, but we can see others of our species. 4 hours ago, brat#2 said: I also have that those fleeting moments when I think he's watching over me and then it's gone knowing he's not here anymore. It's so sad and gut wrenching and heart breaking. I wish I felt that. I don't feel him in that way at all. Not even fleeting. Either way it is devastating. Either of you 2 moved to paper towels yet? Kleenex couldn't hold up for my break downs. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 Life without our beloved is a life of just going through the motions. At least that's how it is for me right now. Things that once made me laugh out loud now barely cause a chuckle. Hobbies that held my interest before and far less interesting. I seem to have a attention span of an 8 year old. I turn the TV on but after a few minutes I'm bored with it and go read something and the TV is just background noise. When Tammy was here, even though we struggled with her health issues and we had some financial problems, life had joy. What is our mission in life now? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 I don't have any answers. I definitely feel we'll be together again, but I don't particularly feel like he's watching over me...maybe he is, maybe he isn't, I just don't know. I haven't had any overt signs, except a rainbow now and then, that means a lot to me. And after he died, a pansy came up in the ground beneath our patio where we'd had hanging baskets the year before...his last summer was our best year for flowers and it seemed that pansy was a sign because as they're named, they aren't exactly hearty, yet here was this one that survived the winter and, well it kind of felt like a sign. It took me about a year or so to even dream of him! Mission? I think that's something we have to find for ourselves. That to me is one of our hardest challenges. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 49 minutes ago, mittam99 said: Life without our beloved is a life of just going through the motions. At least that's how it is for me right now. Things that once made me laugh out loud now barely cause a chuckle. Hobbies that held my interest before and far less interesting. I seem to have a attention span of an 8 year old. I turn the TV on but after a few minutes I'm bored with it and go read something and the TV is just background noise. This is so true. I'll read until I'm not processing what I see then switch to t.v. only to start mind puzzles within minutes. Visit with kids and grandson is great but then I start to focus on how Deedo should be here and then the tears come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 It does seem to be a life of just going through the motions Mitch but it won't always be that way. Of course we continue doing what we did before because we have no choice. We have to pay bills, eat, sleep, put gas in the car............all that stuff. The joy has left alright and there is not much you can say about it. One day though you find yourself still alive and your outlook changes. You are still quite early on this journey and you may not know it now but your mission, your purpose, will begin to emerge. For me it was to live life as best I could for I still had that opportunity. Kathy doesn't have that. So I do it in her honor. I do it for her. And, I understand now that it is also for me. You must have faith. I think Tammy would like that. It won't always hurt this badly. kayc they might not always be around but those signs are real and I believe if you want to be with them again, you shall indeed 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 Iheartm, yes, I feel exactly the same. I feel no motivation. I finally bought a car and it's not fun, I'm not happy. What was supposed to the most fun ever with my wingman is incredibly depressing. I feel it's not fair, that as soon as she's gone I get the one thing we'd been wanting for years. And it wasn't even something spectacular. To others that's nothing, but a car for us was big as financially it just took a long time to do. I'm so angry over that. Having this car makes me think of her constantly because every time I think about using it I think of how I have to do it alone. It's awful, this reality of never seeing her again. Never laughing with her again. And now I'm back to flashing on when I first found her in her room. I can't take it anymore, yet I'm also sentenced here on earth to use up this miserable existence. I don't see myself ever having fun again. Who will I gave it with? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 HH, I'm proud of you for going ahead and buying that car, and I think your sister would be too. Maybe if you picture her with you as you drive it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 13 minutes ago, KATPILOT said: You are still quite early on this journey and you may not know it now but your mission, your purpose, will begin to emerge. For me it was to live life as best I could for I still had that opportunity. Kathy doesn't have that. So I do it in her honor. I do it for her. And, I understand now that it is also for me. You must have faith. I think Tammy would like that. It won't always hurt this badly. kayc they might not always be around but those signs are real and I believe if you want to be with them again, you shall indeed Thank you stephen, this is what i hope for me, to find purpose and live my life for my love too. He loved and lived to his fullest, I should do too and I hope to reach there. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom's angel Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 8 hours ago, hollowheart said: I feel it's not fair, that as soon as she's gone I get the one thing we'd been wanting for years. This is so true, happened with me too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 scba - yes that is what I hope for too. It's hard to see that right now, but I want to find purpose and live for both us. Joyce 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted March 14, 2016 Report Share Posted March 14, 2016 KayC....is that a picture from this year?................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 No, that is a picture of our pansies before George died...the following year one pansy came up on it's own beneath the patio, it survived through winter snows, I found it very amazing and it's the only time in all these years that has happened. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 I think that pansy is one more of those signs kayc. The first spring after Kathy left a bullfrog appeared next to our pond. Ten years earlier we had been given six tadpoles which we would watch grow into frogs. They all died off as they have but a six to eight year life span and they never bred since the koi ate the eggs. But on that spring was a frog ten years old and sitting on the deck. I knew then that it meant something. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 IHeart, I know exactly what you speak of. Going through the motion of doing what needs done seems to be all I do. I do have a constant urge deep down to keep trying to find a creative outlet for all that I am feeling. Right now, it is finding pictures and quotes on Pinterest and putting them in my own grief journal. I had my own "sign" this weekend...and I know it was from Mark. I find myself trying to hold on to those signs to keep my spirit from dipping down into the dark. I so value all my friends here on this forum and always make a pledge to help wherever I can. Sometime just having someone say "I understand...here is my hand to hold (even just virtually)" means the world. I am beginning to see that my life will go on with a scar...but it WILL go on. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 I have a friend, actually he and his wife were friends of ours, and his wife died 2 months after my husband. He has said he doesn't know why, but he's having an easy grief experience. He is already dating someone. Now, I know I should feel happy for him. Who would wish what I and a lot of you feel on others? But, I think I'm jealous because I so want to move on and be happy again, but I'm definitely not there, a long way from it I think. I also start thinking he must have some greater wisdom or knowledge that he can move on like this. Anyway, it threw me into a real depression again. I don't want to spend my life feeling this way, being lonely and miserable, and when you see someone who seems to have mastered this so well, it's very debilitating. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 Janice, You have to remember that not everyone has the same relationship and we all cope differently. I've seen many men do this, although there are many (on our forum for instance) that do not. I have a friend that got engaged right after his wife died. 12 years later, they're still "engaged"...they'll never marry, they don't even date each other, it's like they're using each other to not feel so alone and have a Plan B. I have another friend that started dating right after her husband died, only she called them "friends"...they weren't, they were dates. She dated countless people until she found the one she wanted to marry. She always wanted to set me up, but couldn't understand, I'm really not interested. I tried, I gave it a good shot, and in looking back I realize I was just trying to put my life back together and it didn't work because I went into it with the wrong reasons and they weren't the right persons...they weren't George. I'm happier alone than I would be with the wrong person. I know a lot of people do find love again, and I'm happy for them, but George just has too hard an act to follow! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 9 minutes ago, kayc said: You have to remember that not everyone has the same relationship and we all cope differently. Yes, Kay. Exactly so. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 Maryann, it is nice to have someone tell us that they understand. It is hard to find and this forum is helping me with no feeling so alone. I've had "friends" try to get me to meet someone already too. I'm not ready and I really don't think I ever will be. Like you said Kay, your George and my Dale are very hard acts to follow and I know I would always be comparing someone new to him. I think I will be happier alone with just friends here and there. Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 Speaking of signs . . . 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 I dread the day that a friend will come up with the idea: "Can I introduce you to someone?" I dread the day that someone will think of me as being on the "single market". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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