Anyone else think this?

[KATPILOT]

scba, it can happen and more than likely will. I think it happens more frequently when others have moved on but care about you not being so sad while you haven't "moved on". You learn to shrug it off and explain briefly. You may even develop a standard response if it happens enough times. But it is common and sadly, one of those things that you must endure. You can come here and vent when it occurs.

 

Some catchy responses:

"oooh sorry, still married" (Hold up your ring)

"Let me ask my husband and I'll get back to you"

" Tell you what, don't ask me again and we can still be friends"

I've said the last one when I was particularly miffed and just about had all I could take.
 

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, scba said:

I dread the day that someone will think of me as being on the "single market".

Do people really think this? I guess their first thinking is "Oh, they gotta get with someone so they won't be lonely!" It's like good intentions and bad intentions and bad thinking all wrapped together. Yes, they immediately want to make you happy again, but you can't forgo the reality. Going on a date is not going to make you forget or get over that you had a happy marriage or relationship you were just fine with. In my experience I've seen people be more pushy when the couple were boyfriend/girlfriend and not married.

I admit to being one of those people that had a couple of thoughts that someone could "get their mind off" a tragic event by doing something else. I'm so ashamed I once had that thought. I never actually told them "this is to get your mind off it" but I would try to engage them somehow or make them laugh at times.  I guess that's why I tried to be forgiving with some friends.

[Guest]

I also dread the well meaning but really naive friends who will think it is time for me to move on.  Hopefully my left hand will tell them all I want them to know.

[Guest]

I don't think most people do not understand how much of our day is spent thinking about our loved ones.  There are very few moments in any given day when Deedo is not predominantly in my thoughts.  It doesn't matter what it is, I am thinking of her.  When I'm with others I am thinking of her, when I'm alone I am thinking of her.  Washing dishes, doing laundry, going to the doctors, hiking...my thoughts are all about her.  From what I've read I am not alone.  My neighbors will think of her on occasion, some more frequently than others, but they have lives to lead.  Even when I try to find distractions my thoughts frequently return to Deedo.  This is what I think most people cannot comprehend.  

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, scba said:

I dread the day that a friend will come up with the idea: "Can I introduce you to someone?"

I dread the day that someone will think of me as being on the "single market".

I usually lament the fact I don't have any close friends locally.  Now I see that may be a good thing in this instance.  

I know the few people I interact with now know I behave in ways they do not understand.  I give some credit for hanging in there because the old Gwen is gone.  I hardly know this 'new' one myself.  It's pretty bad when you don't know how to be your own friend.

[MyMB]

Brad.   Thank you for those thoughts It's exactly how I feel. I think of Mary Beth all day every day. She constantly visits me in my minds eye. I'm going to go back to work part time next week and I hope I can keep myself together. I've seen how uncomfortable I make people. I walk my dogs and watch TV. Doesn't matter what I watch It's like It's just something for my eyes to look at while I wait for another day to be over. And I'm sad when some one asks me if I'm planning on meeting some one new. I think how can you be so unfeeling. Would you be thinking of other women when your wife passed away only 7 months ago?I've been married for 35 years and I don't want any one but the woman I will always adore.

[kayc]

Even after nearly 11 years, my thoughts are continuously on George, I don't think people realize this as it's private between me and him, part of our connection.  I could no more stop it if I wanted to...which I don't.

[hollowheart]

41 minutes ago, kayc said:

Even after nearly 11 years, my thoughts are continuously on George, I don't think people realize this as it's private between me and him, part of our connection.  I could no more stop it if I wanted to...which I don't.

I want to reach into my dreams and pull her out. Some days it's unbearable. I so miss our conversations.

[KATPILOT]

Brad, most people yes but those of us here? We know.  These days still I think of her so much. Always on my mind right?  The last thoughts when I go to sleep, and the first one when I wake. Every day. It never ends. I know it's not cheating if one marries again but I just can't wrap my head around being with someone else when I am already in love so deeply. I asked a friend who really pushed me to date why he thought it would be possible to feel any other way. He realized there was no answer for that and he let it go.

Today I live a pretty good life. I have little needs I can't fill in some way and I find joy all over the place. Am I still sad?  Hell yes but I'm not sad every waking moment.  I'm in love every waking moment and many of those times are joyful. I sanded and varnished the wood deck this last weekend and in my thoughts I asked Kathy if it didn't look absolutely great! I still talk to her and hollowheart  you can still have those conversations. It may be a little one sided but they hear us. Yes Brad you do understand how you're not alone. Most of us do the same damn thing.

[KATPILOT]

3 hours ago, hollowheart said:

I want to reach into my dreams and pull her out. Some days it's unbearable. I so miss our conversations.

I had a dream that left me sick that I woke. In reading what you said hollowheart, I wondered if you spoke to the same feeling.  I am reminded of the movie "What Dreams May Come"

In a dream, anything is possible.

[kevin]

 

Likelihood to repartner[edit](copied from Wiki)

Men are more likely to repartner after losing their spouse; more than 60% of men but less than 20% of women are involved in a new romance or remarried within just over two years of being widowed.^[22]Interest in repartnering is only one factor in determining the likelihood that a widow or widower will establish a new romantic relationship. Davidson (2002) describes a framework which proposes three primary intervening conditions affecting likelihood of repartnering following widowhood: availability of partners, the feasibility of a relationship, and desirability of companionship.^[19]

There are frequent gender differences in availability, desirability, and feasibility of new relationships. Availability of partners is a greater constraint for older widows; there are far fewer partners available for older women than older men, given that women tend to live longer and men tend to prefer younger partners. As detailed in the previous section, older widowers also typically have greater desire to repartner than widowers.^[19]

Studies have identified many other factors that increase or decrease the likelihood of successfully repartnering following widowhood. Most of these factors fit within Davidson’s framework. For widows, younger age is associated with greater probability of repartnering; younger women typically have more available potential partners. For widowers, new romance is predicted by greater income and education.^[22] In Davidson's model, feasibility of a relationship is affected by age, health, and financial resources; being younger, healthier, and having financial resources makes one a more attractive partner.^[19]

This re-companionship appears to be  a Mars/Venus thing that has interesting data to back it up.......At 65 years of age ,the Single widow/widower ratio is definitely in the mans favour.......   

[Gwenivere]

I believe that, Kevin.  I only know one widower, but he did find a new partner.  He's an exceptionally wealthy lawyer, but we'll leave that out if the equation.  .  I know being alone was not going to work for him so it didn't surprise me.  She is also a very dear woman and he didn't partner up immediately, it took a couple of years, maybe more.  The women I know, which mean two, have never had that desire.  One tried dating and it never worked.  The other just poured herself into her career and remaining family which is large despite no children.  I, personally, cannot ever see being with someone else.  Some is age.  At 60, I have a routine established I began with Steve.  I don't like the thought of changing anything around to accomodate someone else.  I don't even do it for friends.  I really doubt I could find someone that goes to bed after 4am, gets up at noon and dinner is OK at 10pm.  Life with a musician!  

[scba]

Dear Kevin, this article is very interesting. I am in favor of repartner and find love again for those who wish to do so. It must be a very complex affair but life isn't easy.

[andreaskye]

This is my first post and I was just browsing through. Good evening all.
 I found it almost shocking when a friend who had come to visit looked at me and asked; "Do you see yourself ever meeting someone else?". Shocking in that, it had not crossed my mind to even ask myself that question. And the answer that came right away was, "I cannot imagine another man touching me. Why would I even try when I know I will never feel the way he made me feel again."
 And it was so true. And then it brought on this whole new wave of pain, and even anger, because we only had 3 years together. And after a failed prior relationship and accepting maybe I was never going to have anyone decent, it was all the more wonderful. I knew we would not have as many years as a lot of couple as he was quite a bit older than me, but it was too soon. And too unexpected. I foresaw in a couple of decades caring for him as he aged and being prepared. Not losing him in 36 hours to a bad gallbladder. 
 I ache for everyone here losing someone after a lot of years. I cannot imagine. But oh my, there is a special pain that comes with the thought that there should have been longer, what would it have been like? What did I miss? And it feels so unfair that at 44, after 3 years of wonderful, it is snatched away. And that with supposedly so many years of my life left, it feels like now they are just going to be painful years. 
 Thank you for listening. I have felt really alone. 

[Guest]

Andrea

Welcome to the forum but, as with all of us, I am so sorry you have reason to be here.  I have learned that no matter how short or long the relationship it is never long enough.  You are correct: it is unfair.  The pain of losing someone who completes us is unfair.  Sadly it is the price of love; the kind of love we have been blessed with is now the kind of love that makes our lives so miserable.  I hope you find solace here, there are many who are so good at helping us through our grief.  

[kayc]

Andrea,

I, too, am sorry you have a loss too, but glad you found this place, it's made a world of difference to me.

I can relate to what you say, as my George and I were married only 3 years 8 months and never dreamed we wouldn't get to grow old together.  When it takes a lifetime to find each other and you're so happy and then lose him so soon...there's no words.

[kayc]

Brad

That totally doesn't surprise me, it's what I'd suspected because of what I've seen over the years.  I think it's harder for a man to live alone in some ways.

[Margm]

Myself, old men are too old.  Only one old man appealed to me.  Now, if you want to discuss Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Jensen Ackles, Gerard Butler, Chris Evans, Zac Efron, Henry Cavill, well...........(And I put these names down knowing Billy will get me back somehow.) He was jealous of me liking Tony Curtis when I was a kid.  Heck, even Clint Eastwood is too old, now he does have a son that qualifies, Scott Eastwood.  See, even old women prefer younger men. 

[kayc]

Naw, Clint Eastwood is never too old!

[KarenK]

Marg,

You are too funny, but it is so true. Men in my age bracket just seem too old(no offense to anyone here if you fit that criteria). On those dating websites, those men are looking for much younger women anyway. As appealing as a younger man might be, truth be known, I doubt I could keep up with one. Plus I am pretty set in my ways. Ron always said I would have no trouble finding someone after he was gone. I am not crazy enough to want to train another one.  LOL  I looked at those sites for about 6 months out of boredom, but realized I was looking for Ron and he wasn't there.

Gerard Butler is a hunk. Zac Efron could be my grandson.  LOL

[kayc]

Gerald and Zac who???

I'm not a cougar but George was two years younger than me...a fact he had a lot of fun with.  

[Margm]

Hey girls, I would never physically cheat on Billy, but a gal can dream.  Well, I  am not ready to dream yet.  I will say I did talk to a fellow I graduated with.  I did not recognize him.  I know I am still 17.  He got to be an old man.  Too bad.  Robert DiNero is getting long in the tooth, and Robert Redford has had too much work done, but he is still moving.

[Gwenivere]

Andrea, so very sorry you are here.  But since you have to take this journey, I'm glad you found some of the most supportive people I have ever met.  3 years or 30 years.....it hurts like hell when you find 'the one'.  We all wanted more time.  That you lost your love so soon is heartbreaking.  You had do much to look to the future to.  Those of us together for decades struggle with the memories that haunt us.  It's a no win situation and I hope you will find some solace here from people that truly understand.

[Gwenivere]

I've found it hard to enjoy the male eye candy I used now, but when I did Jeff Bridges is right up there.  He caught my attention in Tron decades ago and even as old guy, he's still got it.  Never cared fir Clint, but that's what makes life interesting.  Oh....Tommy Lee Jones!  Yup, he's always been right up there too.  

Steve looked like Harrison Ford, but Harrison didn't age that well. 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Andrea and all my other friends here on the forum...

I am familiar with the statistics that widowers will remarry more times than a widow.  It has nothing to do with the love or lack of it that leads to the repairing.  Statistics also show that divorced men marry quicker than divorced women.  There is a commonality amongst those who post here. We seem to fall under that category of soul-mates.  I can't imagine another man loving me the way that Mark did.  Mark and I had never been married before and were both around 45.  Both of us had looked for love a very long time and it was kismet.  We completed each other and helped heal the hurts from our pasts.  It has been 15 months and I still feel married...in fact, I just put my wedding band and engagement ring back on the finger they belong.  My heart feels a twinge every time I read a post from someone whose husband loved them as much as my Mark loved me.  It makes me miss him so much more.