If You're Going Through Hell

[KATPILOT]

Something so few are aware of Gin. It seems like no one knows what happens when they leave your sight. "Business as usual" right. Patterns and schedules to maintain and so on. The one left behind who hasn't a schedule any longer is soon forgotten. The one left alone sinks deeper into that  loneliness.  I get what you are feeling. Been there myself and will be again one day. Hang in there for this too will pass.

[kayc]

Mine is metal, it may be time to replace it though since the flap doesn't want to complete close even after cleaning it.  I'm going to keep an eye on it when it is moist outside & if it continues getting moisture inside which allows the lint to stick to it rather than blowing through, I'll replace it.

Oh Gin, I can relate!  I only have someone up once or twice a year so it's really hard to see them leave (my kids)!

[Widowedbysuicide]

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE FEELING DOWN

 

 

I'm going through hell.  Today is Tuesday, and I feel like I want to give up.

I'm cranky, tired, hot, and feeling so very very alone.  

I hate feeling like this because sometimes it gets a real grip on my brain and I succumb little by little.  My Gord had the knack of helping me at these times.  Now that he is gone it gets harder and harder to fight my way out of it.  Friends don't understand and I can't run to the crisis line every time I feel like this.

My finances have taken a real hit this month as I have been going to town so that I'm not alone.  Somehow I can't seem to go to town without spending.  I don't want retail therapy.  It's just so hard right now.  

I have the walking group on Thursday morning.  It has been way too hot for me.  It's embarrassing to 'glo' like a stuck pig.  Nothing is of interest.  I have an excuse for everything.  There is nothing to look forward to.  I just want to quit.  I have yard work to do from last week that isn't done.  Rant, rant, rant, same old crap just another day of it.

[Gwenivere]

I don't remember what a not feeling down day is, Marita.  

[Gin]

Marita,

so sorry you are feeling so bad today.  Some days are like that.  Today I went to the bank and the manager asked me if Al was OK.  Of course .i started crying.  I try to do all these things...book clubs, health club, etc.. Nothing helps.  Some days we feel like giving up, but we do not.  Hang in there.

Gin

[kayc]

Marita,

Maybe you can just give up for today.  Tomorrow start fresh.  For today maybe stay in and pull up the covers (if it's not too hot).  I think we all have days we want to chuck it in!

[iPraiseHim]

5 minutes ago, kayc said:

Marita,

Maybe you can just give up for today.  Tomorrow start fresh.  For today maybe stay in and pull up the covers (if it's not too hot).  I think we all have days we want to chuck it in!

KayC gives a good suggestion that works for me.  Some days just suck. Most people think the secret in life is to not get knocked down, but the real secret is to get back up eventually. Many times I am just holding/hanging on.  If I can't do that myself then I call on God, and/or my friends, to bring a shovel and/or a ladder.  Half of my battle is admitting to someone else that I'm down because I don't want others to know of my plight. This is a safe place to share this pain with others here who understand. 

I also recognize if I don't get enough rest,eat healthy, move, and breathe then I can feel worse. Grief is a balancing act that we work through each day.  - Shalom

[brat#2]

Marita, I'm sorry you having such a hard day.  Like the others have said, we all have those days.  Just let it be and try again tomorrow. 

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Marita, I always look to the sky and then I remember he is not coming back.  My heart falls to the pit of my stomach and tears come, but then my granddaughter tells me about the breakthrough at her counselor.  I'm so sorry we have such a terrible life now.  

I miss my mom that was my mom.  I miss Billy who always was my Billy.  Sometimes I know I am not handling things right and I wonder how Billy would do it.  Honestly, don't think he would do any different.  Unfortunately, and maybe fortunately, I have so many family problems I am never alone.  That might be good, that might be bad..  I will quit complaining now.  

If it wasn't for my granddaughter, I would be at that seedy little motel in the middle of Texas watching Bonanza.

[Gin]

Marg,

I am in my seedy little house in the middle of the big city watching Bonanza.

Gin

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you all for your wise words.  I wish that no one else knew how bad I feel.

I agree George, I think Kay has hit it right on the spot!  And like you, I do not like to admit that I am down and I especially dislike asking for help.  I need someone just to listen sometimes, or even pretend to listen.

3 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

KayC gives a good suggestion that works for me.  Some days just suck. Most people think the secret in life is to not get knocked down, but the real secret is to get back up eventually. Many times I am just holding/hanging on.  If I can't do that myself then I call on God, and/or my friends, to bring a shovel and/or a ladder.  Half of my battle is admitting to someone else that I'm down because I don't want others to know of my plight. This is a safe place to share this pain with others here who understand. 

I also recognize if I don't get enough rest,eat healthy, move, and breathe then I can feel worse. Grief is a balancing act that we work through each day.  - Shalom

Maybe I'm having a chocolate deficiency that's causing my current imbalance.  Wouldn't that be easy?  

Thank you all for your understanding and your kind wisdom. 

[Patty65]

I so relate Marita.  It's why I've been invisible here.  It would be just like me too to write "don't read this" at the top of a post or something.  But being deeply in the same space you inhabit, just know that your post did not bring me farther down, it helped me feel less alone.

Today Ron has been gone 6 months.  "Big Milestone" someone said.  How??.  Someone came in for a scheduled meeting with me to sell me a new, cheaper (supposedly) credit card processing system.  All he did was tell me I needed to provide HIM with more information about our current sales by card type, Why was he wasting my time if he had nothing to show me?  He could ask for information over the phone!  I got angry, I told him to leave.  Me, the former Miss-Please-Everybody.

Friday evening I had my first "maybe I can survive this" moment at the house.  I felt him right there with me, I lit incense, candles, I cleaned, I relaxed, I felt him next to me, I went to sleep on his side of the bed, feeling his energy, and woke up ok.

I ran errands with my new partner in the morning, and then -- like a tornado out of nowhere, I hysterically fell apart, sobbing in the baking area, unable to move, in front of staff and customers.  New partner had to help me out back, and offered me a Xanax.  By night at home, I had every pill I had in the house out, along with a giant bottle of Nyquil.  I think somewhere I knew I would not, but oh, how I wanted to.  I think it all had to do with "Alone" and how NOBODY in my physical world, not my supposed BFF, not my family, not anyone who knew Ron and I together, has contacted me or asked how I was in well over a month.  My BFF gave up on me 3 months ago.  Just empty silence. No way, no strength to go on.  The evening the day before was obliterated from my memory at that moment.

The thing is, many of us have no safety net, and that is scary on top of everything else.  The EXTREMES of this are just insane. And so unpredictable.   Finding new friends in this vulnerable state is nearly impossible. The only thing that kept me from harm was writing in my journal, it was all I had, and all that I could allow myself to do.  All the crazy.  It was like releasing poison.  

My garage is flooded, my electric bill was $400 dollars higher than normal and my water bill $200 higher than normal because since all this, the water heater was dying, and I didn't care/care to know.  It was Ron's to fix and figure out.  Now $1500 or so later, it will be fixed tomorrow, no choice if I ever want to take a shower again and not wash my hair in cold water in the kitchen sink. 

Life is damn overwhelming alone.  I know its no wonder we want to give up.  Somehow, one way or another, we keep going on, and finding a way to wake up, if only because our eyes open.  Man, it's brutal.  I totally relate. So sorry so much about me, but thank you for helping me reconnect here by your post, Marita.

PS - I saw a psychic medium last week.  I'm still processing that.  If appropriate, I will post my thoughts here soon, when I am back on my feet.  Right now I'm on a - well, dangerous roller coaster from hell.

Take care,

Patty

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you for posting Patty.  I wish you also weren't one of the people who can relate, of which you truly get me.

This life at this time surely sucks the big one!  Knowing that you are able to keep going helps me to think that I can too.  I guess it isn't bad to get on here and let it spill.  

The part where my post helped you... that is awesome that I could help you.  I will keep you close in my thoughts and pray we can pass through the tough times and come out stronger.

Marita

[MartyT]

"Knowing that you are able to keep going helps me to think that I can too." Beautiful. Do it for each other, dear Marita and precious Patty. Do it for all of us.  ♥

[KATPILOT]

10 hours ago, Patty65 said:

 

Friday evening I had my first "maybe I can survive this" moment at the house.  I felt him right there with me, I lit incense, candles, I cleaned, I relaxed, I felt him next to me, I went to sleep on his side of the bed, feeling his energy, and woke up ok.

I ran errands with my new partner in the morning, and then -- like a tornado out of nowhere, I hysterically fell apart, sobbing in the baking area, unable to move, in front of staff and customers.  The evening the day before was obliterated from my memory at that moment.

Man, it's brutal. 

 

 

You were at the right place and the right time Patty.  When you feel him next to you it's because he is. This won't be the last time I assure you. There is a lot of truth to letting go of the anguish long enough to let them in. When our own grief becomes so toxic we can't hear a freight train rushing by us, it is no wonder we can't hear or feel their presence. It's just something to think about.  So after a feeling like that, there can be a sudden loss of security when it passes. I've been there.  He was gone from you and somewhere inside your very soul you knew it. You were vulnerable to fall apart and you did.            Doesn't matter.         You keep on going and who gives a damn what people think. You are the one grieving. Others just have to deal with you. How lucky  they don't have your pain.  Every day you move forward. The pain still follows but you get up and keep going. All of us need to remember this and know we have friends who get it. We will get up again tomorrow and do it once more using our love to keep us going. I'm sorry this day had to happen and I'm sorry more will come. I am glad though that we have each other to get a hug from when we need it.

I've been hit by that tornado myself girl. It's like I moved to Kansas.   Makes me think of IZ and that beautiful rendition. Kathy and I bought that album on Maui what seems like forever ago...............

[Patty65]

I HAVE to listen to that song daily... from Ron's Playlist...

 

[iPraiseHim]

I find chocolate helps.   - Shalom

[Margm]

I don't do this.  I have been in my numb, busy, taking care of business mode. 

I deleted the words.  Went to sleep.  Up off and on.  Have not been in bad mood.  Won't discuss my Mama, she is gone.  Has been gone as long as Billy but we had her shell.  Billy was cognizant to the very last.  Mental problems haunt my family.  Not even sure if they are real.  If they are not real then that makes it even mentally worse.  Got to be careful with finances.  Will fall into the rabbit hole.  Have to become someone I  have never been for my own sake.  Ghosts haunted me last night.  I will pull it together today. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Marg, I've received such a tremendous lift from so many great people on here today.  I wish I could pass some of it along to you.

Patty, that was a beautiful video.  It made me feel more hope for peace.

George, I like how you think.  Chocolate is good for us, in moderation of course.

Steve, is that the secret?  Let the anguish go and we might feel them near us?  I sure hope I can do it.

Marty, you are great to us and for us.  Sometimes we get lost and can't seem to find our way.  You have provided us with maps and directions to help us get back on our path.  Many thanks for everything.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Man, it's brutal.

[Gwenivere]

Ugh, quoting is against me tonight.  Anyway, Patty, you put but succinctly.  The last 2 days I've dealt with phone techs wandering about the house for hours moving furniture and the inevitable came up....we need to talk to your husband of how he ran all these wires.  Bam.  Then it was a doc visit with a specialist who just can't factor in grief and after waiting in him for an hour spent a whole 10 minutes with me.  Figured I would get a chest X-ray and blood draw out of the way while I was at the hospital but another specialist forgot to call in the orders.  Had to wait again til they got them.  Supposed to start a different antidepressant this weekend and am scared of switching.  Trying to clean my bathroom I dropped a candle holder so glass everywhere.  

It all sucked, because I was alone thru it.  No safety net is right.  Even if I had done it alone before, I could come home and collapse into Steve to take the edge off.  It takes everything out of you and there is no way to restore anymore.  I miss the days when coming home was a great thing.  Not just another reminder they are gone.  

Brutal indeed.

isnt there a Cheryl Crow song that says some days you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug?  I'm tired of being the bug.

[KATPILOT]

Thanks for putting that video up Patty.  I never saw it before and when they spread his ashes, it really got to me.  I added that song to Kathy's playlist and never tire of it. Last September I was in Maui for my anniversary around the time when your nightmare was just about to begin.  Had her IPOD with me and listened to that song every day.

[kevin]

Patty,I love that song and I love rainbows.....

[kayc]

Patty,

Have you contacted the electric & water companies and requested a break on the bill?  Not all places, but some, will write off part of the bill when something like this happens.  I am so sorry!  I also know what it's like to have friends disappear, it is hard to go it alone.  I'm sorry your day/week was so hard!  I look forward to reading your thoughts about the psychic when you have time and are ready to share.

Right now I'm home alone and sick and it's tough.

[KATPILOT]

Sorry you are sick Kay. Being sick is so much worse when he's not with you. Somehow just a caring person nearby goes a long way.

Feel better soon.