If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

Terri and Joyce.  I think about that all the time, also.  I told my brother that if something happened to me, no one would know until  someone reported a bad smell coming from the house.  Terri, hope your knee is OK.

Gin

[TerriL]

Thank you, Joyce and Gin. It's so weird but in that moment where you know you won't be able to "right" yourself and a fall is inevitable, you feel that emotional cocktail of both fear and foolishness. To think, when I was younger and dancing, I used to laugh at that commercial with the woman "I've fallen-----and I can't get up!". Honey, I am not laughing NOW. The woman in that ad has come back to haunt me! I can only imagine the woman from the old "Clapper" commercial will be next. I'd laugh at that one, too. 

Gin, I don't think they'd even find me from a bad odor. My cat Frankie would probably have me for dinner first. lol Seriously though, I have a remote panic button for my house alarm to use when I'm outside, if someone should approach me. Maybe I should begin carrying that around with me everywhere or at least the panic button to my car alarm. My neighbors might come to check things out if they hear my car alarm steadily going off.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, TerriL said:

My neighbors might come to check things out if they hear my car alarm steadily going off

I think I read where if your house was being broke in to use the remote on your car that the honking would drive away burglar's.  Sounds good to me, gotta get me a newer vehicle though.  My truck had  that but Scott's old truck does not.  RV Sue, a woman that travels by herself all over the southwest in an RV,  with two small dogs uses an air horn to scare away things.  Can you imagine, she travels to way off vacant BLM land to park her RV.  She is a retired teacher and likes to be alone, but has a blog that is very famous.  I used to read it but gave up on it a few months ago.  She is between 65 and 70.  I don't think she is a widow, maybe divorced a long time ago, but she manages to do everything by herself.  She was always an inspiration, but not right now.  She is alone because she wants to be, we are alone because we have to be, but she still inspires.  

[iPraiseHim]

I had no warning when my wife "suddenly" died.  We just shared a wonderful weekend celebrating Valentines together.  I got up Monday morning and helped my wife get her breakfast and lunch prepared, checked her Oxygen machine and added water to the 02 Humidifier.  Secured all the connections and made sure Rose Anne was okay before I headed off to work.  That was the last time I seen her alive.  When I returned home,it was snowing and I spun out my car coming off an exit ramp.  I was not hurt and didn't crash into anything and thought that was going to be my scare of the day. 

Little did I know what l would find when I came home.  I was in such utter and complete shock when I found her, that I kept thinking, "this isn't real.. this can't be happening.  But it was.  The details still haunted me today while I was working... She died on a Monday.  It came back in full memory force and took my breath away again this morning.  It's been eighteen months and I think I would have accepted it by now but something is causing me to keep reliving it. Over time I pray these episodes will lessen. 

I was able to continue and finish my work. Thankfully, this doesn't happen as frequently and intensely as the first day.  My mind will try to play the "what if" and "if only I" games but i know they don't lead to answers; only doubt. So, I trust that this too will pass and I will learn what I am supposed to and keep moving forward.  - Shalom

[enna]

Your Rose Anne was loved greatly by you and you by her. The "triggers" will keep coming because of that great love, George. It is something we live with now. I pray that the episodes will lessen for you also. The deep ache of loss will always be there. We who come here support one another in that ache. 

[Gin]

George,

Those triggers are terrible.  Sometimes (most of the time) you do not even know where they come from.  Hope you feel better and these episodes are less frequent.

Gin

[Margm]

George, I think we will always play the "what if's" over and over.  It is just like when I start crying though, no amount of crying is going to bring him back and I know it.  It just seems so futile, but I still do it.  I did quit that screaming into a pillow though..  I think if I wanted to commit suicide, that would be one way to rupture something.  And the crying until I could not breathe, that seemed so easy to just quit breathing period.  

I am going to put this on here and explain.  Seeing that Gene Wilder passed away today brought back memories.  When Gilda had cancer I had been fighting it too and read everything she wrote about it, and what Gene wrote about it too.  Actually, the piece he wrote for People echoes what we all have said at some time or the other.  When I read it, I read it as an afraid person fighting cancer.  Gilda went through a period of macrobiotics (so did I), I tried it for a long time.  Never could get used to eating that seaweed but the Umeboshi plums, Daikon radishes and miso soup I loved, and the brown rice.  She and I both got tired of the diet and running around barefooted.  

Today when I saw he had passed away my first thought was that he was with Gilda again.  I actually think he may have married since she passed away in 1989, but reading his piece he wrote for People magazine brought it all back and all my feelings when Billy was sick and after he passed away.  

http://www.people.com/article/gene-wilder-tearful-goodbye-gilda-radner        

George, I thought of your "what if's" when I read this piece again.  I also remember writing you all that my grandmother said at 18 years the pain was like on the first day.  Did not help my feelings, except I won't have that many years to suffer.  Just goes to show that the mourning is actually as intense as the love.  It also shows we still have to go on.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

Those triggers are terrible.  Sometimes (most of the time) you do not even know where they come from.  Hope you feel better and these episodes are less frequent.

I've never been able to figure out the less obvious stuff.  Being asked about Steve, having to do something with his things,seeing his picture, having a dream I expect a gut punch.  But the times when there seems nothing obvious or apparent are harder because there is no preparation.  I had that happen today by a supposed 'do gooder' who thought he would help me find a way to listen to his music again.  I was so annoyed.  Told him it will happen when it happens, being offered unsolicited help agitated me (I was where I volunteer and can get a small break from my reality) and to please stop trying to help me.  I have to protect myself where I can.  We all do.  

When I am hit with those out of the blue I am amazed how my mind even got there.   I guessing because it's there all the time and there is a trigger we just don't consciously identify.  We carry this 24/7.  

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

George, I think we will always play the "what if's" over and over...  And the crying until I could not breathe, that seemed so easy to just quit breathing period.  

I am going to put this on here and explain.  Seeing that Gene Wilder passed away today brought back memories. 

One of the first movies, Rose Anne & I watched together was "Lady in Red".  Gene Wilder played the lead role and is one of the funniest movies I have seen... A great movie and endearing memory. - Shalom

 

[Dreamwinds]

Today I was called to the funeral home to pick up my husband's ashes. Just writing that seems crazy. I cried driving there and driving home, but did feel a little peace after the beer on the deck with him. It was just simply an overwhelming, emotionally draining day.

[scba]

I have just been told by a widower "my wife doesn't exist anymore, your boyfried doesn't either, life goes on and you have the right to be happy, past is in the past". I have been crying a river.

Oh God why did he left, why did he left me here alone and unprotected? 

[enna]

This is for all of us...

 

[Gwenivere]

Dreamwinds and Ana......what horrible things to have to do and have said to you.   We know thier bodies are gone, but to phrase it they they don't exist is more than callous.  Our emotions for them DO exist and deserve respect.  Plus, how does anyone know the answer to that question?  Some are sure, some struggle with what to beleive, but we sure as heck don't want someone to wipe them away so casually. 

Steves ashes came by UPS.   It was very odd to have them show up an Amazon order.  I don't think I could have gone to get them myself, tho.  That took a lot of strength.  

[KarenK]

Here is my joke for the day. As you know, I have been receiving warnings from the city for having dry grass. On the local news tonight, it seems that Scottsdale( my city) is paying people to have their pools removed, an attempt at water conservation. Now ain't that a kick in the teeth. I just laughed. I can hardly wait for the next call or letter which I will cram down their throats.

[Gwenivere]

Wow, go for it Karen!  Can anyone say oxymoron?

[KATPILOT]

That's funny Karen.  I too get letters from Scottsdale. The last one was from the palm tree nazies.  Because they no longer kill the weeds in the alley, I also got a letter reminding me it was my responsibility now. I wonder if they will offer me money to drain my koi pond. We have to do all we can to keep all those golf courses green right?

[TerriL]

Dreamwinds and Ana, these are the times when everything can seem so surreal. Picking up the ashes and trying to wrap your mind around the fact that your spouse is in there and then, as time goes on, the incredibly thoughtless remarks by others. As Ana said, sometimes these comments even come from people who have also lost a spouse, which is the most shocking part of all to me. Then, there are the "well-meaning" people, as Gwen pointed out, who are going to be the ones to FIX you! Oh yeah! Except this is a situation that can only be fixed if our husbands or wives suddenly returned to us, alive and well again. I've been speaking to one retired firefighter---the one who had called and encouraged me to attend the picnic last March---he has been keeping me in the loop about what's going on with the financial stuff involving the pension. He's very nice and has given me a lot of information that I need to be able to decide what I will do if they pass this "rule", but he will also tel me things he likes and then asks what I like. Then, he will mention that he has found this great little club with classic rock music, etc. and I can feel the muscles in my beck and body tightening up. Maybe he's just making conversation and that's what i keep telling myself, but I don't want anyone thinking they will "help" me "move forward" or anything of that sort by suggesting I accompany them. Of course, I steer it away back to "Oh great, have a good time!" and move it along. Moving forward will be something I will do whenever it's right for me. That's another way in which losing someone through divorce is different from losing them through death. With a death, neither party wanted out of the marriage. Both were still in love and happy being together, so it doesn't feel as if your marriage has ended. This is what people don't understand----that it feels as if I would be cheating on my husband if I were to accept any sort of invitation out, at least at this point in time, ten months along. Yes, life sucks sometimes when you're all alone, but I'm trying to power through any desperation and not grab on to "any port in a storm". That isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to a "well-meaning", unsuspecting person to be treated like that either.

Marg, that RV Sue sounds like a very gutsy lady, but as you said: she's alone by choice and we aren't. I'm not sure I'd be able to do what she's doing, as tempting as it might be sometimes. I'd worry more about the two-legged "wildlife" trying to attack me more than the four-legged varieties. I do know that I'd be packing more than just an air horn! lol I wish her safe travels!

Well, my left knee is stiff and swollen this morning. (This is one of those "sucks to be alone" times!) It's very tender and I'm limping, but it isn't excruciating pain. I guess i'll give it another day or so before I decide whether it's worth the trouble and the money to go to an urgent care center or an ER. It did wake me up last night. I was up in the wee hours of the morning, from about 2:30am to 4:00am, reading all of your posts on here. I didn't respond until now because I was trying to get myself sleepy again. I was afraid that interaction would wake me up more. lol Just another reminder of the unpredictability of life. I woke up yesterday just fine, both knees in good condition. One brief moment of slipping on a wet patch outside and now, I'm hobbling and limping around, with fluid build up at the top of my knee. This is where I keep wanting another do-over, just like wth Paul. 

[Margm]

You all know I read and I write, because I am.  I think in the Bible or somewhere God is called the "I am."  So, I won't call myself those words.  I will fall back on my "it is what it is."  WW, that RV Sue has been doing this for many years.  She has everything down to how she wants to live.  I so admire her and once wanted to be like her, but with Billy with me.  It is not a pretty situation without him.  Cannot do it, don't want to do it.  And, it really seems like, and looked like, The Garden of Eden, where I lived.  But I am lazy and hate picking up fallen tree limbs after storms.  We had a possum set up residence in the garage when we left the doors open.  Billy cornered it, it was a big possum and was not going to leave.  It was in the past 3-4 years and it hurt him having to kill the possum, but we could not make it leave..  We had wildlife in abundance in our two acres that backed up to a forest, and we lived in a forest.  The woman leasing it writes me all the time how much they are loving it and her husband took off a day from work just to sit and look.  She has five hummingbird feeders up.  Billy put up the hooks because he liked watching them too.  It makes me feel good that she enjoys it, but they are not much younger than Billy and myself and I cannot tell her that it should be called Widow Street.  I could not stay there.  It says not to do anything for a year.  I still have 17 big boxes to unpack.  I will wait until after that year.  I wrote on some boxes, but at the end I just crammed things into boxes.  I have the essentials out and in the meantime I use some of the 17 for bedside tables, coffee table, and the ones in the dining room are not all mine, they have to be moved out.  My daughter is getting a bigger house with garage, so the rest of the family's things can be moved there.  But, I'm not going anywhere, so I will wait out my year.

Gotta go to the "big city" today.  Counselor for my granddaughter.  The days just tick on by.  Somehow it is not like waiting for your birthday when we were kids, it is waiting till those footsteps behind us reach out and grab us.  

[kayc]

Terri,

I'm glad you were candid with your friend.  I can relate to your tears and feeling the loss for your friend that died, your spouse, all of us...
I still can't reconcile that my long time friend, Kay, passed away last month.  It hasn't had time to sink in, start to finish her cancer discovery to death was two months.  I knew her about 37 years.  She used to live with me.  Our families were best friends.,.that is before our husbands divorced us.  Our daughters were best friends.  Even though she moved across state years ago, whenever we saw each other it was like we'd just left off, you know?  We were the same age.  I looked up our emails yesterday, it's like she'll be back and reply.  Only she won't.

I'm showing signs of improvement to the coughing/hacking stage, just wish I could breathe again!   Thanks for asking!
 

Oh gosh, Terri, I just read about your fall.  You could have torn your meniscus or something, you need to have it checked out!  Maybe a knee brace would help it feel better?  No more flip flops on wet pavement!  I'm so sorry!

You and I should have commiserated together...I was up those hours too...except for the time difference.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

I read where if your house was being broke in to use the remote on your car that the honking would drive away burglar's.

Marg,

That is a great idea!  I'm glad you mentioned it!  There has been a rash of burglaries in the area lately, that's a good way to elicit attention and scare them off.  
 

 

[kayc]

George,

I hate those flashbacks, and I don't know a griever that doesn't have them.  You're right, the intensity lessens eventually and we get better at coping with it.  It doesn't make it any easier though!
 

 

[iPraiseHim]

A security system like "SimpliSafe" is inexpensive and easy to use. Cost $200-300 depending on options.  24 hr monitoring is only $15/ month. There is a panic button that will alert the monitoring company immediately and will call you, your friends, police, fire, rescue, etc.  It protects my Dad's and my home.  My sister will get a system soon.  Help is a button away. Wireless and easy to install. - Shalom

[KarenK]

Steve,

I love it!! The "palm tree Nazis". My alley is okay for now, just dirty and nasty. My back yard is awful. Am waiting till it's cooler to clean up after the dog. I water the front every other night and it stays just as dry & brown. If you drain the koi pond, donate the dead koi to the city. The city is offering a whopping $1500 on a $6000 cost for removing a pool. Don't imagine they'll get many takers. Ah yes, green golf courses. There are only 200+ in the county.

[Margm]

48 minutes ago, kayc said:

, it's like she'll be back and reply.  Only she won't.

A month or so ago, when I was living by my neighbor Hettie, a former classmate had passed away and our class has been blessed, as old as we are, not to have lost more.  This man/boy had fell and hit his head.  He never came out of the coma.  We had lost one, similar to one of our forum members, that just did not wake up in the morning and we had lost one to depression, a depression that he could not climb out of the hole from, so he pulled the hole down on himself.  Each one of these just magnified Billy being gone, and to each of their mates, they were going through what we are going through.  I put "boy" on here because that is who I remember, "the boy."  Hettie saw my distress and said "we are at the age we are going to lose our friends.  Her husband has been gone now over five years.  She had lost a classmate in the week before our talk.  I had unrealistically thought that Billy and I would RV away from all these friends, acquaintances, family and we would escape the grim reaper.  I know how foolish I was.  We were immortal.  I hate reality.

 Everybody has to die, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what? Statement to the Associated Press, five days before his death. (13 May 1981)  William Saroyan  

I'm sorry about your friend Kay.  Every death only magnifies our sorrow.  Losing my mother, oddly enough, has not brought me down as far as I thought it would..  Am I just inhuman or cold enough that I don't miss her?  I cannot answer the question.  My mother  taught me to be independent while she made my sister dependent.  She taught me a lot, but her being gone seems like I am freed up to mourn Billy fully now.  Does that make any sense at all?  

[Froggie4635]

Dearest Marg,

I am sorry I haven't been posting, but my eyes have not cleared up yet and it is hard to read and write because focusing is bad. When my mom died, I cried at her funeral.  I cried the night I found out she had cancer.  But I do not grieve for her now.  I believe I grieved when she had her stroke that left her in mine and my dad's care for 12 years.  But, my relationship with my mom was never a warm and tender one.  Mark's mom has been more of a mother to me in the years we were together, and now than my mom ever was.  I am the person I am now because of what I went through with my mom.  But I know it sounds harsh but I do not grieve for her.  It is her critical voice I hear in my head, the one that I heard all my life.  I feel bad that she missed out on the happiest part of my life.  You did so much grieving while she was ill...although you did not look at it as grief.  It may catch you by surprise one day as you filter through all you have been through, and continue to go through.  We are here to listen and to help in anyway we can.