Margm Posted September 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 Cookie, I read what some of you all go through and I feel like such a sissy. But that old saying about misery loves company does apply to us. And we cringe in guilt because we really do not want anyone to hurt as bad as we do. But we do, and each one of us has the added hurts that pile on top of us. I don't know why, but nearly every morning I start getting anxiety before noon. Billy liked to read until 2:00 am. He would fix coffee before he went to bed, I would turn it on in the morning and he would wake up somewhere before noon, probably around 10:00 or a little later. I would fix his coffee with honey and take it to him each morning when I heard him stirring in the bed. Maybe that is why I start having anxiety. Maybe I just need to have my one cup of coffee at that time. I don't know. I have no answers. I'm just glad I had him for so long. I would have liked more time though. Wouldn't we all? I know your worried about your fur baby. I worry so about my son and daughter who neither are well. Scott took so many drugs we almost lost him to hep-C. Kelli, well Kelli always has something wrong with her. And me.............I just keep taking my MiraLax and temperature ever so often. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 On 9/29/2016 at 8:49 AM, Marg M said: They were accepting no new patients. They said they weren't, but I was told that by my doctor's office and then later found out they would have taken me, but not strangers. You're not a stranger, you used to work at the same hospital, perhaps he'd remember you and it'd make a difference? You might ask to speak to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 18 hours ago, Cookie said: I have an old dog, 12 1/2, who is failing and it is taking me back to last year when my husband died. Oh cookie, I am so sorry. I worry about my dog too because of his cysts and tumors, one of which is cancerous, and I will not let them put him under as I'm terrified he wouldn't wake up, esp. at his age and size. Also I have a friend whose two pups had cancer, they operated and did chemo and it spread throughout and he died within months. The other lost his leg and underwent chemo. I don't want to put Arlie through that and with his weight and girth, he wouldn't adapt easily. I cook for him, I walk him twice a day, I give him additives to help his health, I give him body massages daily, I am determined that he have the best quality of life as long as possible. But I worry. You're right it is the same feelings, and I'm scared, what would I do without him? He is my incentive for living! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 16 hours ago, Marg M said: Cookie, I read what some of you all go through and I feel like such a sissy. Marg, one thing I know, you are no sissy! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 Went out for dinner with friends tonight. There was a singer there that sang Sinatra and Tony Bennrtt love songs. I did not need that. I did not know that the restaurant had entertainment. Some of those lyrics are heart wrenching. My good friends had no idea that it bothered me. Hard to believe. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 Perhaps they figured it out but were too embarrassed to admit that they hadn't thought it would be upsetting for you. Sorry it put a damper on your evening. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 Gin, I'm sorry, I know how it feels, I try to avoid stuff like that even still. Love songs are hard for me. Music was very big to George and I. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 On 09/30/2016 at 1:38 PM, kayc said: Oh cookie, I am so sorry. I worry about my dog too because of his cysts and tumors, one of which is cancerous, and I will not let them put him under as I'm terrified he wouldn't wake up, esp. at his age and size. Also I have a friend whose two pups had cancer, they operated and did chemo and it spread throughout and he died within months. The other lost his leg and underwent chemo. I don't want to put Arlie through that and with his weight and girth, he wouldn't adapt easily. I cook for him, I walk him twice a day, I give him additives to help his health, I give him body massages daily, I am determined that he have the best quality of life as long as possible. But I worry. You're right it is the same feelings, and I'm scared, what would I do without him? He is my incentive for living! Kayc: Thanks so much for sharing. Makes me feel like I have some company. It's another hard loss and going through the caretaker thing is so reminiscent. But, yes, they are worth all the work. I definitely worry about how to cope with this, that is why it's so comforting to have someone share their story and talk about these feelings. Hugs to you....Cookie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 On 09/29/2016 at 8:41 PM, Marg M said: Cookie, I read what some of you all go through and I feel like such a sissy. But that old saying about misery loves company does apply to us. And we cringe in guilt because we really do not want anyone to hurt as bad as we do. But we do, and each one of us has the added hurts that pile on top of us. I don't know why, but nearly every morning I start getting anxiety before noon. Billy liked to read until 2:00 am. He would fix coffee before he went to bed, I would turn it on in the morning and he would wake up somewhere before noon, probably around 10:00 or a little later. I would fix his coffee with honey and take it to him each morning when I heard him stirring in the bed. Maybe that is why I start having anxiety. Maybe I just need to have my one cup of coffee at that time. I don't know. I have no answers. I'm just glad I had him for so long. I would have liked more time though. Wouldn't we all? I know your worried about your fur baby. I worry so about my son and daughter who neither are well. Scott took so many drugs we almost lost him to hep-C. Kelli, well Kelli always has something wrong with her. And me.............I just keep taking my MiraLax and temperature ever so often. Thanks for your response Marg. Worry and anxiety seem to be a hallmark of all this. Glad to hear I am not alone in this. It's been 15 months and I was hoping the anxiety would go away. But, if anything happens at all, I'm right back in that pattern of anxiety every morning. Mine starts about 6:30 when I first wake up. Then, it feels like so much work just to level out. I am getting really tired of it, but don't know how to make it go away. My husband died at 4:10 in the morning and I've wondered if it's associated with that. But what do you do about it? Is it just a time thing? Sorry about the health of your children. I certainly hope they are okay. That would really be anxiety producing. I would not call you a sissy. Look at what you are going through. We're all just wounded and trying to get stabilized. Hugs to you...Cookie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 Cookie, Yes, I do relate to what you're feeling. Arlie is why I didn't attend the art auction. If it were just across town, I could have, but flying to a different state and being gone that long, I couldn't...I have no one else to take care of him right now. My relief person is up to his ears in the very recent death of his mother and he just got his own dog back, I couldn't ask him to take care of Arlie. My friends are too old to walk him at his weight and strength, and I couldn't ask anyone else to cook for him, including making eggshell powder for him. This is my life's task for as long as I have him, and I'm glad for each day I can do it. I wish you as long as possible with yours too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 33 minutes ago, kayc said: Cookie, Yes, I do relate to what you're feeling. Arlie is why I didn't attend the art auction. If it were just across town, I could have, but flying to a different state and being gone that long, I couldn't...I have no one else to take care of him right now. My relief person is up to his ears in the very recent death of his mother and he just got his own dog back, I couldn't ask him to take care of Arlie. My friends are too old to walk him at his weight and strength, and I couldn't ask anyone else to cook for him, including making eggshell powder for him. This is my life's task for as long as I have him, and I'm glad for each day I can do it. I wish you as long as possible with yours too. Kayc: Thanks for sharing again. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. No one I can ask to watch my dog, as he's hard to care for. I have to assist him up and down steps and lift him into the car, but, yes, I love him so much; he's been such a good, loyal friend for John and I. Thanks for your words....Cookie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 I thought I was being efficient and had a man come to check the furnace, which is very old. Guy came and all seemed OK. He left and I left. When I came home I realized the furnace fan was running all the time. Place was closed so I called the emergency number. Was told that it would not hurt anything and he will come tomorrow. It bothered me that the fan was always on. My brother said it was OK. My SIL thought it was OK, but even with the fan on, there was not a lot of air coming out the vents. So, since it bothered me, he said to turn off the power to the furnace. Service man can not come until afternoon. It was running fine until I had the cleaning done. Should have left it alone. These were things that Al knew about and would sit with the repair people. Another thing we have to do alone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Oh, I sooooo agree with you, Gin. I had the phone company here once for over 2 hours and once they told me they had fixed the problem. I picked up the phone and it wasn't. These are the kind of things Steve would have handled and much more patiently than me. I don't know if it because guys usually like these kind of challenges or what, but they drive me nuts. I admit I grew dependent on him for this. Give me running down sales or cleaning the house any day! Feminism be damned, I don't want to be Ms. Fix It! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polly Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 I don't want to be Ms. Fix it either! Although I'm pretty good at it. Most of the time. I have to say in the past 11 months that I have fixed a lot of things that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do. My 25 year old step son was kind of shocked about a few of them. I hate asking for help. Although today I finally go around to cleaning the pellet stove to get it ready for when I need to start it up. I still need to clean the pipe. I have never done it myself. Last year my step son always did it for me. I thought about trying to do it myself but my daughter told me to ask Kyle (my step son). So I guess I will ask him to do it. ugh! Does anyone else hate having to do all these things that their loved one did? I know I do. I hate having to take the trash down to the end of the driveway every week. I hate taking care of all the outside stuff. I hate cleaning the litter boxes. I always say to myself, this is NOT my job!!!! but now it is. I just hate it! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Tomorrow I will travel to a town that is about 30 miles from here. I will make a full circle. None of my folks live there anymore. They live in two cemeteries. No, they live in three. I will go to all three. Had a blow up with family tonight. I don't need that and my feelings are not hurt at all. I am angry. I am not ready for fussing so they call all go to hell in a handbasket. Scared for me to go alone? I am not alone. Billy is with me. Flat tire. I am n old woman and can look older and more pitiful than I am. I can look pitiful and the first person will fix it. I need to get away. I need to be by myself and Billy for awhile. I can do it. Everyone worries about me driving, off on my own, but those are the happy times. Billy was never along on this journey. I will talk to him anyhow. This is my childhood journey. This is a pilgrimage, of sorts. I do not need grown people holding out their hands and then telling me what to do. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Good for you Marg. Sometimes you just know what you are supposed to do. Travel safe. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 12 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Feminism be damned, I don't want to be Ms. Fix It! I so agree!!! I think (generalizing here) some/most guys understand more about stuff like this or maybe because it used to be the "traditional" role, they learned more about fixing things while we were busy in the kitchen, raising kids, cleaning house, doing laundry, getting groceries, paying bills. But whatever the case, I know I got reliant on that and don't have a clue about stuff, but am learning the hard way. Still, there's a lot to know and it seems I don't have enough years left to ever begin to catch up! AND I don't LIKE this role!! It's so hard to find people we can trust and rely on even though we're paying them to do their job! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 13 hours ago, Gin said: These were things that Al knew about and would sit with the repair people. Another thing we have to do alone. Gin, I'm sorry this was your experience. Reminds me of my roofing contractor nightmare this year. I paid for a brand new patio roof. The first guy threw all the wooden wiggle mold away that I had TOLD him to reuse! He bought foam that doesn't work. He never did put up the roof, even though I'd given him $1,000 deposit to buy materials. (Next time I'm spelling EVERYTHING out in the contract!)*Learning Lesson #1! The second contractor threw up the roof in a very short time, not telling me until AFTER I paid him that he hadn't used the foam "because it wouldn't work". I didn't know! THEY are the experts, wouldn't you think they'd talk about these things and explain them to you up front?! So now because there's no wigglemold to support the fiberglass, it flexes and the roof leaks! All over! At least 50% of my 35' x 15' patio is wet when it rains! AND my wooden cabinet gets wet too, and being made of particleboard, it can't sustain the moisture, so I have to have a 5 gal. bucket strategically placed on it to keep it dry. After I start my soc. sec. I'll have to save up $ to replace this "new" roof that is no good. And Lord only knows who I'll hire in this dinky town with no one to choose from! Maybe I can find a neighbor that wants to earn some $. At least I know about patio roofs now. I hope you get your furnace/fan fixed today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Finally got my furnace fixed. Was doing the dishes and stupidly decided to check text messages. That is how my son communicates. 3 messages. 1st:. I love you, Mom. Problems. 2nd:. Mexico. 3rd:. If I do not call you in 36 hours, call the consulate in Tiajuana. He lives in southern Ca. He had a girlfriend in Mexico. I have no phone numbers of anyone. He is due for back surgery next month. He just finished 2 hip replacements from falling from a high tower on his job with power company. He is 43 . I tried calling him. No answer. Texted him..nothing. I just can not deal with all this alone. I guess we have to. I assume he is in trouble with Mexican police. I can not go there. Where ever there is. He did not ask for money and did not even cash the last check I sent him. I am sick about all this. Called my one daughter and she has not heard from him. Add this to the grief and it is burying me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Oh Gin ~ I am so sorry that you are burdened with such uncertainty and worry. I've no idea how to handle this, and I hope one of our members can guide you better than I can. One suggestion: Would it help to contact your Illinois Representative or Senator's office to see if someone there could assist you, or direct you to someone who can? Or maybe your daughter could do so from whatever state in which she lives? (I know it's the middle of the weekend, so you probably wouldn't find anyone in a governmental office until Monday, but offhand that's all I can think of to do ) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 19 minutes ago, Gin said: Finally got my furnace fixed. Was doing the dishes and stupidly decided to check text messages. That is how my son communicates. 3 messages. 1st:. I love you, Mom. Problems. 2nd:. Mexico. 3rd:. If I do not call you in 36 hours, call the consulate in Tiajuana. He lives in southern Ca. He had a girlfriend in Mexico. I have no phone numbers of anyone. He is due for back surgery next month. He just finished 2 hip replacements from falling from a high tower on his job with power company. He is 43 . I tried calling him. No answer. Texted him..nothing. I just can not deal with all this alone. I guess we have to. I assume he is in trouble with Mexican police. I can not go there. Where ever there is. He did not ask for money and did not even cash the last check I sent him. I am sick about all this. Called my one daughter and she has not heard from him. Add this to the grief and it is burying me. Gin: So sorry about this. I do know what it is like to have worries with your kids. I've got plenty with a son and daughter. I think the American consulate is the best idea. Do you know who the girlfriend is? Maybe you could call or some of his friends might know what happened. Will be thinking about you....hugs Cookie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 6 hours ago, kayc said: I so agree!!! I think (generalizing here) some/most guys understand more about stuff like this or maybe because it used to be the "traditional" role, they learned more about fixing things while we were busy in the kitchen, raising kids, cleaning house, doing laundry, getting groceries, paying bills. But whatever the case, I know I got reliant on that and don't have a clue about stuff, but am learning the hard way. Still, there's a lot to know and it seems I don't have enough years left to ever begin to catch up! AND I don't LIKE this role!! It's so hard to find people we can trust and rely on even though we're paying them to do their job! I feel the same way. My husband knew how to do everything and we never had to hire anybody. Although I'm not stupid, I am challenged with house repairs, etc. I now have to hire someone to do everything and, yes, I feel lonely and upset about it. I also hate it and don't like the role. Thinking about downsizing in the future because of it. I'm there with you....! Cookie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Thanks, Marty and Cookie. I only know the girlfriend's first name....Dolce from Mexico. That will not get me very far. No phone numbers of friends. My brother and daughters have no clues. I will call the consulate if I do not hear. I wonder what he did? I know he went there to get antibiotics and pain killers. No prescriptions needed. I wish he would stay in the USA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Gin, sometimes people just wear us out. Last week and today friends and relatives have taken all the fight out of me. No more fight left, but plenty of "wanting to be alone" left. Your son has left you a riddle. My folks who took over my Mount Ida house have escaped from the storm along the coast. They are still their warring selves with two dogs and a child who pitches fits they think are cute. They all got angry at me last night. They were in my home. I have to go back to see them tonight. I will not stay long. It is nice to have relatives but sometimes relatives are not nice to have. Riddle me this. I visited relatives today that do not talk back to me. I went up into about a 150 mile round trip. I find rest and comfort at cemeteries. Some people are afraid of them. They are history to me, genealogy, people's relatives, and unless they came down from Canada and passed away both cemeteries were full of relatives. I went by myself. I walked in two cemeteries way back in the woods, one kept up beautifully, one just big, scattered, but all my kinfolks. For some reason, and this was my childhood routes I was taking, I did not feel Billy with me at all. But, I guarantee you, when I was standing at the gate to leave, I yelled at all of them to hug Billy for me and tell him how much I missed him. Strange thing, and I read up on it. All around my grandparents and mother and dad's graves was a ring of spider lilies. No where else. I think someone must have planted them. They were in a circle. I have got to go back and be with family tonight for awhile. It won't be long cause those folks will be fighting. I don't know why they do that. But, I cannot handle it. They get angry because Brianna does not want to come. I don't blame her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Marg, Wish you well with your family tonight. It should not be this way...family should be good for you and not cause turmoil. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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