If You're Going Through Hell

[Patty65]

Thank you, 

Yes, Marty -- and I do have to change my thinking on what IRL means to me.  I'm way better at expressing myself in writing than verbal anyway, so I do consider this almost more "real" so much of the time in this surreal life. 

((((hugs))))

Patty

[Patty65]

43 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I get tired of trying to entertain me, myself and I.  

They're an ornery bunch, sometimes, aren't they?

Yesterday I had our bookkeeper intern call the bank to check why the fraudulent charges had not shown back up in our bank after the 10 days as they promised... they said it could take up to 90 days.  The bookkeeper said to the bank, "the owner is NOT going to like that answer!" and when she told me, I said, "GET THEM ON THE PHONE AGAIN!" and everyone laughed and said, Ut Oh!  They knew my tantrum was on the way.  And it was, and it felt good, and righteous, and a great way to channel my apparent anger.  I'm not sure if it was Me, or Myself, or I.

[MartyT]

You go, girl ~ whoever you are at the time 

[kayc]

How does that work!  The bank puts through fraudulent charges and YOU'RE out your money for 90 days?  What, are they making it hitchhike back from the Feds?

[Patty65]

Totally, Kay -- thus my return phone call with steam coming out my ears ... why would a Pasta Co. buy jewelry online from Idaho??  Ron used to be so much more diplomatic.  They were to call me back when the fraud department decided to answer their phone, and I said fine, but if it's a negative response, I WILL talk to the manager and I WILL switch banks!  When the bookkeeper asked how the call went, I put up my hands with my fingers curled and went, "GRRRR" and we all laughed.

[KATPILOT]

I had the same problems with banks before and I fired them. I found a bank walking distance for me that has only two branches in Arizona and they are quite personable.  We have become so dependent on computers with everything that our vulnerability continues to grow. I'm just hoping I get out of this life alive. Oh wait a minute! Patty my wife was also much more diplomatic than I. More importantly I didn't even know half the time about a problem she was resolving. I get much more angry and I'm not sure it makes things any better. Most likely worse but the thing is I don't think I am very secure in what I am doing. I didn't have to deal with problems like that before. In my early years of grief when I was confronted with people on the phone who wouldn't help me but told me I was more or less screwed, I was tempted to tell them "listen, I just lost my wife. I don't care if I die. Let's go together!" I may not have said it but I sure the hell felt it.

I'm better now.

[kayc]

When my son was 17 and decided to enlist, the Army wanted him and they tested him and then refused to give him back his ID so he could apply to the Air Force!  George got on the phone with them and the last thing I heard was,, "Why won't you give my boy back his ID! as he shut the door so he could talk to them in private.  I never learned what he said to them but the very next day they special couriered it down to us from Portland, several hours away from us.  I don't know if he threatened them or what, but whatever he said, he got results!  Usually I was the one having to deal with people but I was more than happy to turn him loose on them!

I once got the IRS to reverse some funds they'd seized from my boss' account same day, so I'm no mamby pamby, but it sure is nice to have someone else to handle stuff like that!

[Margm]

   Scott went to a counselor.  A young one.  She told him to write a letter to his dad and say what he wanted to say.  He told her that he and his dad always talked, there was nothing any more he wanted to say to him.  They left on very good terms except Scott's hero is gone.  I cannot go to a book educated counselor.  Sorry.  

I never cared for Dr. Joyce Brothers.  I don't know why.  (I have changed my mind.  Her feet were put to the coals. I do not want to step on any toes, but there is a difference in book educated and life educated.  Dr. Brothers outlived her husband by quite a few years, but they had been together over 40 years.  I am going to quote her.  I think she passed away a couple or three years ago.She talks about counseling for grief, but she herself said she did not understand.

"The pain is necessary.  Only by experiencing it to its full degree can you heal yourself.  When Milt died I found myself in a dark tunnel of grief.  There was only the past (and I could not go back) and the present (a cold and lonely hell.)  I could not envision a future.  There was no light at the end of the tunnel.  I cannot promise a widow/widower that what I have to say in this book will blunt her raw sense of loss or banish her loneliness.  What I can do is chart the course of the pain -- horrendous, unceasing and cruel that we call grief and reassure her that this is normal and that all widows travel this same road, and I can offer hope.  I spent the first six or seven months after he died in one long wail of despair. What was to become of me, what was I to do?  What was left in life for me.  For one mad moment I hovered on the brink of suicide.  "

I will stop on that. Just something we all have to go through. Today is bad for me.  Brianna (my constant companion for months) has gone to Dallas to a 5-SOS concert.  I spent the morning crying and talking to Billy.  I even stooped so low as to ask him to show me some sign he knew what I was going through.  I got no signs.  All I have is a headache from crying.  Maybe I needed the "by myself" time.  I will try to read tonight or watch Netflix.  Got to remember to go let Kelli's pups out to potty.   

[kayc]

Well if that was a quote from Dr. Joyce Brothers, I'd say she got it, finally.  No, you can't begin to know what grief is like unless and until you've been through it yourself.  I remember a pastor I had once who was in his 50's and lost his dad.  He was ill prepared, he didn't begin to know where to start, he was at a loss for words.  He'd counseled people for years without a clue what they were going through.  NOW he knew!  

The counselor I had did not have a clue either.  He was one of those with nothing but book knowledge, and he must have read the wrong books.  NOT a clue!

Marg, I'm sorry you're having a hard time today.  There never seems to be anything on t.v. and I don't get Netflix (no streaming here) so it'll have to be reading for me.   And a nice long walk with my dog.

[Margm]

Reading is good, the best really, I just have to really concentrate.  There was a big reunion that I missed today so I have to make up for it at breakfast tomorrow morning.  Got lots of kinfolks from the north country I gotta see.  They were flatlanders all their life but their son's are doctors up north and they moved to be around them and their four grandchildren.  Gotta make myself presentable.  

(That means I gotta take a shower dammit)

[Margm]

Up too early.  I like to sleep in, but "have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep" (again).

Megan's "Refuge in Grief" this morning pointed to something we discuss all the time on here, what other people say to us.  You know really, we give those other people too much power over us.  Who are they?  Are they going to pay your utilities this month?  Even if they were, they still have no power over us except what we give them.  I have got to go meet a passel of relatives for breakfast this morning.  This too shall pass.  I love them all.  I truly do.  But, it is like I am a seer and can see their future.  Where I am now, so they will be and if I could, I would save them, but I cannot.  We have to live life and sometimes it is so very painful.  Sometimes so painful that what they say, what people who mean well, what they say slides off like water off a duck's back.  But to get to Megan's passage from part of her blog this morning.

"There is so little energy available during early grief. Just making it through the morning takes immense reserves. Getting out to the grocery store requires endless pep talks before, and often a nap after. Getting into a conversation - even a healthy one - about boundaries and kindness is just not high on the list of things-to-do. Couple that with the fact that many people refuse to hear that what they're saying isn't helpful, well - no wonder many grieving people decide to just keep their mouths shut."

My poor little sister last night told me I had not found humility yet.  I asked her if I was arrogant and she said I missed the point.  I have to find humility in my grief.  She meant well, she really did.  She might be right too, but somehow I do not comprehend the meaning.  

I don't want her hurt, I don't want any of my family hurt.  So, when humility hits me on the head, I will welcome it.  I think everything points toward my faith and that is something I still cannot find the right path to.  Given enough time, I hope I will.  

[iPraiseHim]

Marg,

Sometimes well meaning people like to read our mail and give their interpretation.  They may be right, maybe?  or they could have their own agenda.  I ask God to show me where I am prideful.  God humbles the proud and exalts the humble.  My wife used to be very proud.  Over time God humbled her.

My prayers are simple, "Lord Help me!"  When I surrender to my plans I can listen to God.

The pastor today taught about Psalm 46

Psalm 46:10 - "BE STILL.  and know that I am God"

  It is one of the most difficult things for me because I believe I must always be doing something.  It is hard to just stop and rest in God.

I find I do better when I just surrender to my plans, wants, and desires and instead ask God what is His will.  I follow what gives me peace.

It is easier said than done. Even this needs to be done by God's grace and not my personal will/drive.

My car's engine died this week.  It is not what I wanted but God made provisions for me.  When I just relax and try to stay focused on God , I seem to function better. Praying you will find your right path for you. - Shalom 

[Margm]

Two of my friends tell me to take Psalms and read it.  So far I have been stubborn.  I think I am stubborn about a lot of stuff.  Maybe that is the humility my sister says I need to find.  

[Patty65]

Yesterday was my parents' 61st anniversary.  They drove from Connecticut to upstate NY with my sister, nephew and uncle to go to a family wedding on my mother's side, the side of the family just filled with love and caring - a huge side of the family -- all my first cousins, once and twice removed.  I ached to be around family, and I told my sister to Facetime me when they were there.  Then the thought of it made me cry.  But I didn't, while facetiming with everyone -- I waited until after.  But then the last thing my sister said to me this morning, after the family reunion breakfast they just had the day after the wedding and we were facetiming again... "It's great to see you smile, now I recognize you, who I saw in March (at the funeral when she flew out) wasn't Patty.  It's good to see Patty back." 

So hard to recover from.  I'm so not up for my "happy Patty" role anymore, and yet I have such need to connect with family.  I don't think they know how to connect with not-happy Patty.  Ron loved my family so much.  His was a mess.  I know my sister said what she said because she hated seeing me in pain.  But the loneliness just gets so overwhelming.  To connect, I have to pretend.  I know sometimes we have to.  But its such a burden when I have no more strength for a gram of more load on my back.

[Margm]

Patty, we are so misunderstood, and sometimes maybe just an afterthought.  No, our family would not brush us off.  I don't know what my sister means when she says I need humility.  I've looked it up.  I am not arrogant at all (well, not all the time anyhow).  If it would help I would dig for that humility.  But your smile, it will return and it will go away again and then return, but we don't smile from our heart, we smile with the muscles in our face.  They need to look at our eyes.  But what do I know?  Honestly, she tried to explain the humility I was missing and my mind just shuts a cold steel plate to the words I guess.  

[Margm]

I met my cousins for breakfast this morning.  Nothing untoward said at all.  We reminiscence and it was wonderful.  I left early because my colon rupture does not let me out of the house much that early in the morning.  We joked about our mother's being the two craziest, and they were.  My aunt was a character, just like my mom.  Three of the sisters got married over one summer and I know my grandma was able to breathe easier.  And we are huggers.  I don't know how many times we hugged but I did cry when I saw Anne and she did too.  We all grew up like brothers and sisters, we were so close and lived so close.  But me and my mind was going at top speed.  The dad used to be a football player, was being inducted into a hall of fame yesterday.  Those two boys of his take him by plane to LSU ballgames from Michigan, to Ireland, all over the place..  They are with him almost constantly when they are not fathering all their kids and working as doctors, and love him so much.  He is in terrible shape, pacemaker, arthritis and a bunch of joints replaced more than once but he smiles constantly through the pain you know he  has..  They have a huge house a block from Lake Michigan full of antiques.  Neither are in real good health but he pulled through a bad time years ago when they brought the family all in.  He is a year older than me.  And, you know my mind right now.  I cannot stand for my cousin to go through this, but The Master quit letting me play God last year when Billy passed away.  Maybe they will be lucky and go together.  Well, don't I have a dumpity down mind today.  I am sorry.  I was so glad to see my cousins.  Nothing untoward was said at all. 

[scba]

1 hour ago, Patty65 said:

Yesterday was my parents' 61st anniversary.  They drove from Connecticut to upstate NY with my sister, nephew and uncle to go to a family wedding on my mother's side, the side of the family just filled with love and caring - a huge side of the family -- all my first cousins, once and twice removed.  I ached to be around family, and I told my sister to Facetime me when they were there.  Then the thought of it made me cry.  But I didn't, while facetiming with everyone -- I waited until after.  But then the last thing my sister said to me this morning, after the family reunion breakfast they just had the day after the wedding and we were facetiming again... "It's great to see you smile, now I recognize you, who I saw in March (at the funeral when she flew out) wasn't Patty.  It's good to see Patty back." 

So hard to recover from.  I'm so not up for my "happy Patty" role anymore, and yet I have such need to connect with family.  I don't think they know how to connect with not-happy Patty.  Ron loved my family so much.  His was a mess.  I know my sister said what she said because she hated seeing me in pain.  But the loneliness just gets so overwhelming.  To connect, I have to pretend.  I know sometimes we have to.  But its such a burden when I have no more strength for a gram of more load on my back.

I understand Patty. To connect I have to pretend too. Every single day at work, with relatives, sometimes with friends too. It is unfair, but I see no other way. It is very exausting, yes.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

But your smile, it will return and it will go away again and then return, but we don't smile from our heart, we smile with the muscles in our face.  They need to look at our eyes.  

This couldn't be more true, Marg.  I don't know how many times I smile a day, and maybe sometimes they are genuine.  But all in all, if someone were to look into my eyes, they would know there is an emptiness there that it so obvious.  I can even feel it myself looking out at the world.  I feel it constantly whatever I am doing.  Everything has a pall over it.  There is nothing I see as I once did.

[Patty65]

You can totally feel it through your own eyes as you look out.  This is just one of those hard days.  Our first order today, and I'm chef on Sundays, was from a guy who walked up to the edge of the kitchen to say hello to me.  He was the guy who, with his wife, and sometimes his kids even, would share the "by the hour" kitchen we used for the first two years of the business.  He was him, his wife, me and Ron.  They were cooking mexican, us italian.  When I saw him today  I burst into tears and have not been able to stop since.  Staff doesn't know what to do/say to me today :'(  Oh god I miss all those times so much.  We were such a team. Thanks for listening..

 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, dear Patty. My heart hurts for you . . . 

[Margm]

Got a lot on my mind.  This is Monday.  Some things I cannot do anything about.  I used to remind myself "who do you think you are, God?"  This too shall pass.  I cannot believe the little things that were no bigger than a mosquito bite now feel like a dragon blowing fire.  When I was 30, I would not give some of these things a second thought.  They would get taken care of when I felt the need to take care of them.  Now they are tsunami's fixing to fall on my head, and I cannot swim.  They used to be such tiny things.  It is not the problems that changed, it is me.

[KarenK]

Oh Marg,

What memories that word evokes! When Ron was put on life support, I called my daughter in Kentucky sobbing and gasping for breath, trying to tell her what had happened. The first words she said were "Breathe, Mom, just breathe". A year later when she died, there was no one to tell me to breathe and I haven't since "Survive" is also a key word. That is all I do now. No more living.

[Margm]

Oh Karen, this breaks my heart.  Bless her heart, bless your heart.  A widow friend of mine told it to me.  Finding breath to breathe had to be one of the hardest things for you to do.  Hugs to you my friend.     

[KarenK]

Thank you, my friend. I need all the hugs I can get. Only person who hugs now is my son. Sometimes just feel so alone and lost.

I was talking to my grandson tonight about not feeling a need to ever buy any more collectibles, dvd's, clothes, etc. because at my age, who would want any of it after I'm gone. He said each piece you want to keep because of the memories of Ron, I would want to keep because of the memories of you. I would not sell or give any of it away. It was a nice thing for him to say. I am not truly alone, just missing important pieces.

[Margm]

Karen, I love your grandson.