If You're Going Through Hell

[iPraiseHim]

Marg,

I had the last moments of my Mom dying etched in my brain and it took a long time for that to diminish.  If I was to ponder it now I could still recall it almost 9 years later. 

I remember how my wife looked the moment I found her.  I was in such shock and disbelief.  I choose now to remember her at a healthier time. Two of the profile pictures I've posted up here help me to remember when she was vibrant and healthy.  I have a picture in the bedroom and the study that remind me of happier times.  But I don't have her picture in every area of our home.  This is how I want to remember her.  It takes time and a conscious effort to change the mental images in my brain. Seek out what is comfortable for you.

Marg,  None of us here, no matter our desire or will, could have changed the outcome of our beloved's death. You have my permission to stop punishing yourself.    Find a picture of Billy that you are fond of and just try looking at it. You may cry ( I did), but later you may come to enjoy that fond picture.  That's how Billy wants you to remember him. Praying for you, Marg.  - Shalom, George

[Margm]

I'm so sorry Karen.  We all should outlive our kids.  My dad was 65 and his mother lived to be 94, but her little mind left when my daddy did.  It scares me so much.  I was blessed to live 73 years with only losing my father, some cousins and grandparents.  I weathered my dad's passing okay but maybe being old leaves you with beaten down defenses. This is not something for old or young.   

[Margm]

One of my favorites for Billy the Kid.  Two Christmases before he left.  

[Polly]

Marg,

I can see why that is one of your favorites. It brought a smile to my face.

[Margm]

Santa Claus was a big woman we knew very well.   Gruff voice too.

[Margm]

George, I sat with my mama a long time after death.  I talked to her.  But Billy just scared me so bad and any time I think of it it scares me too.  It just wasn't him.  Mama had not changed much, except she was gone.  I just wish I had not got angry with him for giving up.  I could have held him.  Can't go back.

[Widowedbysuicide]

George I think you are a very nice man.  You have good sense and a kind heart.  All the best to you.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I wonder if putting pictures of him around would help.

Whatever brings you comfort, Marg.  And that might be different from one day to the next.  I took George's pictures down, put them up, down, up, more times than I can count, depending on the emotion it evoked in me.  I finally left them up and there they are to stay.

There is no right or wrong way to do this.

[Brad]

I have twenty pictures of Deedo spread throughout the house.  Granted, they occassionally trigger tears they are also reminders of much happier days.  They remind me of what a vibrant, loving, energetic, funny, caring person she was.  They are the things I talk to when I need to let her know how I'm coping.  I can't look anywhere without having her joy radiating down at me.

 

[Cookie]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Whatever brings you comfort, Marg.  And that might be different from one day to the next.  I took George's pictures down, put them up, down, up, more times than I can count, depending on the emotion it evoked in me.  I finally left them up and there they are to stay.

There is no right or wrong way to do this.

I, too, have had a battle with pictures.  They make me feel love and make me cry....I do have a few up but not a lot.  I can always turn them down if I need to.  I still miss him so terribly much; when does that let up some I wonder.....

[kayc]

I don't think the missing them part ever lets up, but we do get more used to it.  I've pretty much learned to co-exist with my grief.  I carry it with me.  It's like it adds a different dimension to my life.  I can go interact with others, and on one level, enjoy myself, yet inside I carry this with me and there's that "missing" portion, and perhaps a level of sadness.  It may or may not be apparent to others depending on how intuitive they are but for myself, I've gotten more used to it...it's who I am now.

[Margm]

On 10/24/2016 at 4:51 PM, iPraiseHim said:

I had the last moments of my Mom dying etched in my brain and it took a long time for that to diminish.  If I was to ponder it now I could still recall it almost 9 years later. 

George, I dread the moment my mother's death reaches me. So far nothing.  I sat with her body and told her to tell Billy I missed him.  She was such a remarkable person.  Never lazy.  Could do anything.  Daddy let her do whatever fixing things around the house she wanted to do.  She grew up fearless, not afraid of anything, especially my dad.  She never had friends really and she had a tongue that could cut deeper than a knife.  But, she kept "books" like a practicing accountant, dearly loved to work doing anything.  Nothing was beneath her.  Checked groceries for years, kept us fed, got her business degree from the trade school after I had left home, one promotion after another and then when she was fixing to get her best promotion, Daddy had the nerve to get cancer and require her to quit working. (And we heard about that as long as she could talk). She was a tireless caretaker for four years.  He died and I never saw grief.  Maybe when I wasn't there.  Maybe seeing my sadness after Billy passed and one sane moment she looked at me and said "its hard isn't it?"  Then she left again.  She wanted to go with her family but she hung on to that life cord like she did everything else.  I will never understand her.  Back then people thought "spare the rod and spoil the child."  I was not spoiled.  I do not hold that against them at all, except Daddy would get a little carried away when he whipped with a belt.  Physical cruelty was not excessive, I don't think, but her mental cruelty was terrible.  

Mama and Daddy should not have had kids, in fact, they should never have married.  They only knew each other two weeks. But they did, and they stayed together.  Pretty sure Daddy had bipolar and Mama had a personality disorder that ran rampant in her family.  That is why I underwent psychoanalysis for so long.  I hate to say it, but religion also was part of the cruelty..  The thing was, they did the best with what they had.  We were not rich but we never went hungry and Mama made all my clothes till I sewed for myself.  I got tired of hearing "you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."  I made a pretty good silk purse, even if she couldn't.

I cannot understand my reaction.  I don't want to react at all.  But that ball of fire lived 95 years.  During lapses in her Alzheimer's, you could see the personality that might have been.  I wish I had her good genes.  She had many of them.  And, I am rambling again.  

 

[kayc]

Marg, my parents shouldn't have had kids either, but where would that have left me and my siblings?  Maybe we should have been adopted, but not all those have happy endings either, my friend, Jim, is an example of that.

[WolfsKat]

On 10/26/2016 at 7:41 AM, kayc said:

 

I don't think the missing them part ever lets up, but we do get more used to it.  I've pretty much learned to co-exist with my grief.  I carry it with me.  It's like it adds a different dimension to my life.  I can go interact with others, and on one level, enjoy myself, yet inside I carry this with me and there's that "missing" portion, and perhaps a level of sadness.  It may or may not be apparent to others depending on how intuitive they are but for myself, I've gotten more used to it...it's who I am now.

 

Very well put, Kay!  While I am, at least externally, doing 'well"....and I can and do have happy moments, there is always that "empty" piece within my soul....the part of me that longs for Connor, misses him intensely, and grieves. I do not think that will ever change, all I can do is accept it and adapt.....and continue on.

[Gin]

Every year we would go to a patriotic outdoor concert at the local Univ. The last one was a few months before he died.   He absolutely wanted to go even though he was worn out.  We had to take the transport walker in and out of the car and find a spot. At this concert, they play a medley of military songs.   People stand up when their branch is featured.  I recorded some of it and played it tonight. Al struggled to stand up, but he did it.  On the recording, he would tell me which branch it was.  Of course, hearing his voice above the music made me cry.  Everything makes me cry.

[Margm]

We each have different triggers, different things we can do, and there are so many things that others can do that I cannot do.  Some find solace from gazing at his/her pictures.  I have not reached that point yet.  Some find peace in music.  I would probably cry through that old song "Purple People Eater."  Most will not remember that one.  I tried journaling and then when I went back and read the place I was in when I wrote that journal page, I was right back at day 1, week 1, month 1.  

I thought I was doing good.  Well, doing good for me, maybe not someone else.  I got through all the important dates and found out they were just plain days like every day since he left.  We never were ones for celebrating, but who in the world would have thought that the time change day would so destroy me?  Billy always said "that's my job" about changing the clocks.    

I wrote this somewhere else, I am going to cut and paste into my "going through hell" site. I get carried away and then you all get my word salads.  

[KarenK]

Marg,

That happens to me a lot. I think I am doing fine and then BAM!, some distant memory will surface.

Hang in there girl, and yes I remember the "one eyed, one horned, flying Purple People Eater". Could never figure out if he was purple or only eating purple people.  LOL

Had a visit yesterday from my first next door neighbor to this old house, the one whose son called me out of the blue many months ago. I had expected a possible call from her then, but none came. He left another message on my phone a week ago, which I did not acknowledge. Anyway, it was nice to see her and I was not crass enough to ask why it had taken her all these months to contact me. She had come to town for a funeral and was dropping in to see if I was home. Perhaps our friendship is not what I thought it once was and I should be grateful..................

[Margm]

Karen, I have had all (or most all) my old friends want to make time for us to get together.  After I make excuses for awhile they quit asking (thank goodness.)  I don't do good in crowded restaurants, or any place where there is loud music and lots of people.  Our small city has a Mexican restaurant that has the best Mexican food around.  I am never hungry enough to put up with the loud music.  The last time my family ate there I was in my own vehicle and I let them put my food to go and left for my family to bring me the food.  My granddaughter plays her music on all those contraptions that they have ear buds for, and actually, I like some of her music.  Cannot understand the words to a lot of it so it does not make me cry.  

I loved "Purple People Eater" because it was sung by Sheb Wooley, and he was a western character actor.  Probably sang with a band in younger years.  

I got out for our class women's get together.  It was nice and after all these years, it was like I was 17 again, and they had gotten old, not me though.  I will go to the whole classes Christmas party on December 3rd, heavily medicated.  First one I have been to in all these years.  Billy and I were always somewhere else when they would get together.

Karen, I have found that I don't want attachment with friends yet.  Maybe one of these days.  And, strangely enough, I know they will still be there (unless they have departed otherwise).  One of my friends and I have seen each other 2-3 times in the past few months.  It's enough.   

[iPraiseHim]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

.....   Some find peace in music.  I would probably cry through that old song "Purple People Eater."  Most will not remember that one.  

... who in the world would have thought that the time change day would so destroy me?  Billy always said "that's my job" about changing the clocks.    

I wrote this somewhere else, I am going to cut and paste into my "going through hell" site. I get carried away and then you all get my word salads.  

Marg, I remember that song well, I was a kid and loved the lyrics!  Yes, we all have triggers and they come in unexpected times and places.  Initially, some would bring me back to day one.  by working through this grief , I am learning how to live daily without my beloved wife by my side but she will always be in my heart and soul.  It just takes whatever time it takes for each of us to work through it.  I am just now beginning to get more energy to tackling the cleaning, sorting through,and making some little goals to strive for.  Initially, I was just trying to learn to breath. You will find your way, Marg.  I like your word salads. 

[Brad]

Marg - I am one who does find peace in both pictures of Deedo and music; generally.  Today I was getting ready to start out on my hike when a song I had recently downloaded came on, the first time I heard it.  It is on Barbra Streisand's Encore album (who doesn't like Babs?)  The song is a duet with Chris Pine (who knew he sings?) It is a medley of "I'll Be Seeing You" and "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face".  Needless to say it took a bit for me to pick myself off the floor and compose myself enough to leave the house.  Maybe if I listen to it another hundred times I might desensitize myself to how I now interpret the lyrics.

[Margm]

Well, we all take things different.  You all can go ahead and laugh, but I bought one of those giant (I mean big) cheesecakes from Walmart.  I have one piece left.  There must have been at least 12 slices, maybe more.  If I buy pineapple sherbet, I eat the whole half gallon in a couple of settings.  I have to run past the ice cream section to keep from buying that salted caramel ice cream.  Sounds terrible, but I think it has something in it as addictive as speed.  I went where I could not eat for the first few months to having gained about 15 pounds.  Mama used to talk about mules let out in a clover patch would eat until they died.  I had all my lab work done a week or so ago and they have not called me, and they told me the doctor calls the patients themselves.  So, either I am okay or doomed and they just cannot tell me.  Since falling and hurting my foot, I have been more careful, too careful.  Hey, this big butt fell on my size 7 foot all ??? pounds on that one foot and I did not break anything, so that must mean something.

I am limited in healthy foods and unlimited in unhealthy ones.  I would really like to have a real salad, but never again.  It seems there are other things besides just grief I have to get a handle on.  

Brad, I loved Barbra Streisand.  Yeah, I would have to have someone pick me off the floor.  Don't know when I will ever be able to listen to music.  I recorded the CMT awards, 50th anniversary and I have got through about half of it and had a roll of paper towels with me.  I cried through the whole thing so far.  I am gonna finish it, alone.  I would love to  listen to Journey, Air Supply, The Band, and would like to listen to Elvis.  Billy hated Elvis so I was sure I could listen to him.  Nope, cannot at all.  I think it was Andre Boticelli that I listened to Broadway songs and it was okay for awhile.  I listened to CCR till I got tired of them.  I leave my radio off in the truck.  The numb feelings I used to have are just now disbelief, so I try not to think too much, and I am letting myself do that today, so I will finish.  

George, I guess Billy's "I am you and you are me" will always live in my heart and soul.  I honestly believe that the harder you love someone, the harder you grieve.  But, I have been having more "good" days than these past couple of bad ones.  I don't feel like we were cheated too much.  Not many people have 18 years of retirement and we had a good life, a bunch of bridges to cross, but we did it.  We had many milestones that others did not have, but I don't miss him any less just because of this.  I know I have read how the younger ones feel they were cheated out of a lot of years, and they were.  I was lucky, Billy and I both were lucky, but that does not lessen the pain.  I just wanted to go first. I am selfish.

 

[Brad]

7 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I think it was Andre Boticelli that I listened to Broadway songs and it was okay for awhile.

Love listening to Andre Boticelli mostly because the lyrics are primarily in Italian and I can't understand what he's singing about.  The songs could all be tear-jerkers and if I don't understand it then it's okay by me.

 

[Gwenivere]

Great point, Brad.  So many songs I avoid because of the words.  

[Clematis]

I watched my dad grieve my mother for the ten years he survived her. He would sit and cry in restaurants when a guitar player/singer played songs that reminded him of their past together. That went on for ten years...the musician would become concerned and ask if he should avoid those songs that my dad cried through, and he'd say no, no...give them a big tip and keep coming back. Eventually the musicians would remember and play those songs for my dad, even though none of us understood what he was going through exactly because he never said a word about it.  Somehow it worked for him as a way to process his feelings. I guess it was a lot cheaper than therapy.

[Cookie]

Sometimes the words to songs bring out emotion but I find that a lot classical music, Chopin for example, just wrenches my heart.  I am in a singing group called Ubuntu.  We are just people who like music, some of us can't sing like me, but as a group it is beautiful.  Anyway, I can just get emotionally overwhelmed during a lot of the songs.  There is some power in the melody, lyrics....something I can't name that just goes straight to that place in your heart.  It is beauty that hurts....