If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

The vaccine is the top news now.  I’m dismayed it’s as complicated as this virus.  Set aside all the political crap about it.  I’m really torn about it.  Needing 2 injections, the side effects can be awful (maybe not seem so to someone who hasn’t been living in pain and sick from meds for months) and today articles are popping up of long term safety and concerns.  I’ve never had a reaction to the regular flu vaccines, but this one gives me pause.  I know we have better technology as we move forward, but this was so fast tracked.  I’m on the list after the top first group with my lung condition.  I guess when I heard vaccine months ago I was expecting easy. They don’t know how long it is effective either.  I guess I’m just so leery from this whole thing.  Thought I would be be more jubilant they made one.  Now I find I’m still scared.

[KarenK]

I don't plan to get the vaccine. I've never had a flu shot, pneumonia shot, shingles shot, mammogram, or colonoscopy. I take 2 BP meds and an aspirin every day and sleeping pills sometime. I rarely drink alcohol, smoke like a chimney, and drink a lot of coffee and 1 Coke every day. I wouldn't want to know if I was dying. It wouldn't change a thing. It's not like I have money to run out and fulfill my "bucket list"(if I had one).

[scba]

I know nobody who is willing to get it as soon as possible. My impression is that people trust science but need more proof about how the whole menu of vaccines work.  

[Gwenivere]

People are propelled by fear and looking for a miracle out of this pandemic. The vaccine is a part, but I heard on the news that nothing will change as far as masks, distancing and gatherings just because of it.  They talk about herd immunity and that’s a long way off.  People are so desperate they may make it worse thinking they are in the clear.  I sincerely hope it does work for the front line workers.  The doctors and nurses that are exhausted both physically and mentally seeing all they have.  The suffering and loss this has caused is epic.  Brought death to the forefront for many that would have had so much more time.  Just like us.  I didn’t know I could hate nature even more.  

Washington state says shots won’t even be available to the general public til maybe June.  

I definitely won’t be trying to get to the head of the line on this even tho I can in 2nd phase.  I got a Xmas card today from a fellow volunteer saying how happy she was it was here.  If I opt for it, I hope they do drive thru's since I can’t walk much.  Another reason I’m burned out on medical stuff.

[kayc]

Disheartening to hear they won't give to people with allergies/epipens (me)!  

They haven't said how they're giving it to the public, I have a feeling it'll be more monitored than the flu/pneu shots.

[scba]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People are propelled by fear and looking for a miracle out of this pandemic. The vaccine is a part, but I heard on the news that nothing will change as far as masks, distancing and gatherings just because of it.  They talk about herd immunity and that’s a long way off.  People are so desperate they may make it worse thinking they are in the clear.  I sincerely hope it does work for the front line workers.  

I totally agree with you. Masks, distancing and hand sanitizing are here to stay for a long time. On July and August europeans were supposed to be in the clear. Yesterday the German chancellor shedded tears asking people to not travel for Holidays.

I hope vaccine works for frontline workers and they should be first priority. I think of my boyfriend's doctors and nurses and their selfless work. They all came to his funeral and they cried with me. I follow the Covid rules also in respect of their memory and sacrifice. 

 

 

 

[Kieron]

Agree, Ana.  There's talk going around online that frontline healthcare workers should be given actual veteran's benefits and service-connected disability benefits, for the sacrifices they have made on behalf of the public.

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Disheartening to hear they won't give to people with allergies/epipens (me)!  

Actually, they said they probably will,but you’d have to stay for awhile so they could monitor any immediate reactions.  

I still feel this is something to be observed for a time.  Hoping it does work as if this has flaws and the front line workers and nursing home residents are affected, that would be utter disaster.  I hate to seem a doomsayer, but I can’t help but watch this from a fearful distance having seen what this has done in almost a year as it was known long before we got hit here.

[KarenK]

It's been an exciting morning so far. My grandson burned his finger with a lighter, jumped up to run to the hall bathroom to run cold water on it....guess he got up too fast and when he reached the sink, he passed out hitting his head on the counter. My son and I were in the kitchen and heard a yell and a thud. When we got there, he was laying on the floor stunned, a small scrape near his eye. After a bit, he managed to sit up. I went for a cold rag and my bp monitor. He tried to stand and his legs gave out. My son was in a panic and when he stood, dizziness and instant sweating put him on the hallway floor. Off I went for another cold rag. His stomach kicked in and he managed to get up and headed for the second bathroom through my bedroom. Dark in there and just as I yelled to watch out for the Xmas storage boxes on the floor, he tripped over one. Managed not fall. My grandson finally managed to make it to his feet and to the couch in my son's room. Everyone is okay now. Life is chaotic around here at times, but this was a little much.

[Gin]

Wow Karen.  Glad everyone is ok.  Too much excitement!   Gin

[Gwenivere]

Good gawd Karen!  I’m glad to hear it is over, but it must have been scary. A little too much is an understatement.  

[kayc]

Wow!  Karen, that's too much "excitement!"  I'm glad they're okay or will be!  It's a good thing you stayed upright!  

[KarenK]

Had to stay upright, Kay. Doubt I could get up off the floor right now.  lol  Plus, as always "I'm the Mom".

Had a bit of "sad" last night after wrapping the meager gifts and putting them under the tree. As with every year now, it brings the memories of huge trees with a multitude of gifts,  and the cassette tape of Ron and Robert from Xmas circa 1985. Ron was a good father and taught both kids life skills with love.

 "And this too shall pass"

[Margm]

I have the plastic boxes still filled with moving from over five years ago.  My bed is the California king size.  I have a space between the stacked boxes and my bed.  It is just big enough for me to get in and out of bed comfortably with my personal items on top of the plastic boxes covers.  (My bedside tables I call them).  For some reason, I fell during the past year we have lived here, in fact, I have fallen twice (tripped).  My granddaughter gets aggravated because I won't let her help me up.  First off, I have to assess if I can get up on my own.  No room for her to get in between me and the bed and boxes.  I take my time.  Know it hurts, but if I can get up, I'm okay.  Just give me a moment.  I'm okay.  Knees hurt for a few days.  Then I trip in the entrance hall, my fault.  I'm on all four's, pull myself to sitting position, back against wall.  Knees hurt.  I'm 5 feet tall, used to be a little taller.  I think carrying around these hips has pulled my body down an inch or so.  Skinned knee from carpet burn.  I sit for awhile, then try to move knees around.  Finally, I pull myself up.  If I need help, I sure would ask for it, but have to be able to find out for myself first.  So far, so good.  Knees ache a lot of times.  I know I have done some damage, but I can still walk.  No locking or giving way yet.  I'm afraid there will come a time.  I have canes stashed in corners.  I've been lucky.  

This pandemic keeps us more immobile than usual.  I can still get up the stairs at my sister's apartment.  I don't bound up them, but I can hold on and pull myself.  Her breathing is affected if she walks too far, but stairs were in her rehab.  

Much to my granddaughter's chagrin, I'm not getting rid of my boxes.  I feel like I'm sleeping in our RV again, and that was the best sleeping I've ever had.  She says I'm a hoarder.  🐷  Could be.  

[widow'15]

The community that I have lived in off and on since 1973 has an annual Santa on a fire engine parade through this little "berg".  Last night a waving Santa came down my street with bells, sirens, Christmas lights, and music.   After I played back the video, I attempted, I could hear myself crying as it brought back happier memories of the years when my two kids would be waiting for the fire truck with Santa aboard.   And, then my neighbor's kids dashed out of their house laughing and calling to Santa which made me giggle to hear their laughter and happiness.    😢 Dee 

[Gwenivere]

I wish I could give you a Huge hug, Dee.  I know about the tears.  😓

[kayc]

Dee, that would be very poignant.  I can't bear to look at the ghosts in my place of years past.  I guess that's why I haven't cleaned anything out, it's getting too much for me to consider doing by myself now anyway.  Very hard, growing old without our people.  I don't think the young have any idea...

[Margm]

Billy and I would go to bed most every night holding each other.  Sometimes I would just reach to feel he was there.  Today, waking up (staying up till 5:00 a.m., sleeping till 1:00 p.m.), the difference in bed times may have made me do this, but I didn't slide out of bed, as per usual, and have gone 1-2 days without waking up, trying not to awaken him.  That is something that has hung around with me since he left, I don't want to lose it.  This morning I physically turned over and reached for him.  Woke up in the middle of this.  No sexual feelings, just thought he was there for a moment in time.  Did not see or feel him.  Just an automatic reaction that used to happen.  I'm no sadder than usual.  I have my granddaughter and great granddaughter in town and I'm supposed to see them.  I do not know where my feelings went.  I do not show love like I used to, I'm not mean, I'm just "not there."  Not even yet.  I have a dread of being around them.  It is like something that I should not do without Billy. I really feel like half a person and cannot show affection like I used to.  It just won't come.  Billy should be sharing with me.  He was the lovable one. 

I mentioned the calamity that makes me never want to get close physically again.  Most older women need this.  I have nothing against it.  Their business, and if they can find some new traces of being human again, I'm all for it.  My elderly mother-in-law had a date with the funeral director after Billy's dad's funeral.  

My daughter spent her training and sometimes her jobs were in nursing homes.  Gwen is probably familiar with this unusual behavior from volunteering so many years.  Sometimes dementia brings on hypersexuality and it comes sometimes with strokes.  Sometimes they had to go get Mrs. Jones out of bed with Mr. Smith.  This really happens often, so sex does not die with loss of hormones, it rages in dementia patients some times.  I think it is listed as ISB (inappropriate sexual behavior).  

I have skirted around my disabilities and a crazy thought came to me, "maybe there is hope for me yet" and that is said purely "tongue in cheek" as it seems like a horror of dementia.  I miss the heck out of Billy, but because of my radiation injuries, I would hope to be restrained with soft restraints.  It would physically injure me.  This is a phenomenon that does happen often in nursing homes.  Am I sad?  Am I happy for them?  Well, I think I might be happy for them if it provides an added satisfaction to our life.  

[Margm]

Dee, we have many home videos that I need made into CD's.  I cannot open these boxes with his name on top.  I don't want to look at what used to be.  I have memory to play it in my mind often, do not want to see it again, but my kids would like that, I'm sure.  The problem is, they are in one of these boxes I won't open.  

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

do not know where my feelings went.  I do not show love like I used to, I'm not mean, I'm just "not there."  Not even yet.  I have a dread of being around them.  It is like something that I should not do without Billy. I really feel like half a person and cannot show affection like I used to.  It just won't come.  Billy should be sharing with me. 

Wow, this jumped right out at me!   I began noticing dreading being around people this last year since being cut off from socializing at the nursing home.  The pandemic changed everything and that very vital connection for me with no family or  close friends has taken a huge mental and emotional toll.   Steve is always factored in there.  The last 6 years have been the ultimate challenge.   I know it has been changed by Steve’s void, but I was able to feel some good things now and then.  I don’t feel guilt when I do.  People have mentioned that feeling.   It has been awesome when it has rarely happened.  But it’s so rare and it’s only when I’m with people.  Tangibles don’t do a thing for me.  If anything, they are a pain.  Example being I could really use streaming TV during his time.  But the thought of getting it hooked up makes me wince.  Installer, new equipment,  always bugs to work out, wanting them to leave and they aren’t done, etc.   that was Steve’s kinda thrill.

so, I feel let down and I am letting people down as I have little or nothing to give.  I so want to, but you can’t force that.  I’m mostly angry the pain has sapped so much of my energy.  I know without that I would be doing and feeling more.  I miss feeling affection.  I do deep down, but can’t seem to get it out.   Not that I have really any opportunities.  But there are people I love and miss sharing that beyond emails or phone calls that I say the words.  I hope they know my feelings for them.  I used to be 'well rounded'. All the feelings on the spectrum.  But not so now.  It’s a horrible way to live.  I suppose my isolation is good for that.  I don't have people in my space to have to subject to that.  But then again, maybe if I did, I wouldn’t have lost so much of it.  

This brain is definitely a tossed salad.  Constantly being tossed.

 

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

Dee, we have many home videos that I need made into CD's.  I cannot open these boxes with his name on top.

Marg:  I totally understand you saying you can't open the video boxes with Billy's name. I recently bravely opened a video that my son recorded with his phone of Bob reading a story to my Grand daughter.  The video was made just months before he passed away.  Once I got past the initial tears I was able to complete viewing the short video.  Listening to his voice after 5 years was painful, but sweet, at the same time.  After viewing the video I told my son about finding the video in my emails.  The next time we were together he showed it to my GD and she sadly has no memory of her PaPa.  So sad cause as a toddler she would always be drawn to him instead of her Gramma.  She always wanted to be near him.  There are many other recordings of his voice, but they will have to wait awhile longer before I can listen to more memories.  Photographs are bearable, but not the sound of that distinctive voice.  Would love to hear that voice alerting me he is home.    Dee  😢

[KarenK]

I hear Ron's voice every time I check my land line voice mail. It doesn't really make me sad. It's almost as if he's standing next to me.

I also have a box of those home movies from long ago up in the closet. I think they're from an 8mm movie camera. I have the screen and projector, but don't ask me how to use it. It's been way too long. I think I even have a couple of 16 mm reels my father took of me as a baby. Now that's what you call old and probably as faded out as I feel most days.

[Margm]

Not sure, but think Walgreen's or Office Depot might can put them on CD's.  Kelli would know, but I don't know these things about things you stick in the computer (sticks) and all the other stuff.  I know we can't do skype or zoom on this computer screen.  I kinda like that. 

I will say my boobs know how to call Kelli on the Kindle.  I went to sleep and the Kindle fell on top of my chest.  I kept hearing Kelli say "Mama, Mama" and then Bri came in laughing.  Somehow I had camera phoned Kelli in my sleep and she and Brianna were just laughing because I have no idea how to use the camera phone on the Kindle, didn't even know I had one.  I kept seeing some ugly gray haired woman with half a dozen necks in the corner screen and Kelli hysterical laughing.  I still don't know how to camera phone. 

[KarenK]

Marg, you're crazy but in a good way.  lol

Don't feel bad. All I use on my Kindle is the Internet and email. I went to watch a DVD earlier and couldn't figure out how to change the tv mode to watch dvd's. Guess I haven't used the player for a while. Every time the cable upgrades the box, there's a new remote. Robert showed me how, but I'll probably forget if I don't use it often.

[Margm]

I bought a changer that was supposed to do everything.  It didn't.  We now use one for the Fire, one to change the sound, one to change channels..  I don't know how to use the Fire, even though she told me how simple.  I had to change phones with AT&T, it is a flip phone, I know how to call, add people to it, but it also does a whole bunch other things.  I think my granddaughter fixed it to where I can just call and answer.  My fingers shake too much to text.  I might venture out and change the ringer sound eventually.  I can do the skype on it too, or zoom, or whatever they call it, but I won't.  I have talked to AT&T till I'm blue in the face.  I honestly spend off and on 13 hours one day.  I have been with them 14 years.  I stayed married for 54, I don't change very easily.  They put me with John that has such an accent I cannot understand him.  I have to keep having him repeat (this has happened so often), names change, always fictitious names, which is good cause I could not pronounce theirs.. Finally I have to tell them they need to transfer me to someone who understands my language.  I speak "southern great grandma" English as my 2nd language.  So, they do.