If You're Going Through Hell

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thanks for the birthday banner.  I may be spending it in the ER tomorrow as I’m having another day of excruciating pain.  Supposed to call the intake nurse this afternoon.  This doesn’t solve the fact I don’t want this surgery and all it entails.  I’m losing it about how trapped I am.  Can hardly function with the pain and terrified of being cut open and my spine being forever altered with hardware.

Gwen:   Ditto Happy Birthday wishes for you on Wednesday.  Am so hoping it won't be spent in the ER trying to manage your never ending pain.  If you do go with the surgery I am keeping you in my thoughts as you will come out the other side with relief from pain.  I can't imagine arranging all you are faced with, but am sure as efficient as you are about details, you will accomplish your goal.

I am not exactly sure which surgery you will have but in listening to my daughter describe her back surgery from years ago which involved hardware compared to the back surgery my SIL had months ago with hardware, the recovery time had improved considerably.  My SIL is 78 years old and feeling so much better now.  Hugs and Birthday wishes.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

It’s decompression and fusion of vertebrae in the lower back.  I can’t get past the 2+ possible weeks in rehab.  That is returning to where I was in Jan/Feb and a nightmare and that was just for pneumonia.  I had no one or I could have come home, same as this.  Thus my anger at the universe having spent years taking care of Steve.  It is what it is, but feels so unfair.  Add in the pandemic if something bad happens before elective surgery restrictions are lifted.

 I’m really not that organized.  Mel would be covered and hopefully my birds, but the house needs to look like it is being watched (mail, lights) and I have no one to do that on a regular basis.  It’s tough to figure out.  Last time I had a house sitter and someone to oversee her, not this time.

I also don’t know how long a person can live in crippling pain day after day.  It only doesn’t hurt when I sit.  Not good as I get so little exercise my muscles are breaking down.  Sleep is somewhat pain free, but my back doesn’t like the pressure or angles because when I get woken up it is screaming when I move.  I’m easily an 8 on the scale.  At times more.

Sorry this is so self centered.  That’s another bad side effect.

Haven't thought of anything to do today as it will be centered on pain.  Without Steve it’s not special.  I remember from being a kid til I lost him waking with this feeling special inside.  It was the people around you that made that happen.  Parents, friends and then him.   Maybe I’ll just get a burger and have an extra handful of dark chocolate M&M's.  🍔

Thanks for the wishes!  💖

 

 

[Kieron]

I wish we had another way to say "Happy Birthday" when a person isn't in a place to feel it, for whatever reason.  "Many happy returns" and things like that come to mind but there's still the enforced cheer and false front and compulsory positive attitude.

[MartyT]

We're all thinking of you on your birthday, dear Gwen ~ and every other day, for that matter. Sending warm hugs and healing thoughts to you . . . ❤️

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I may be spending it in the ER tomorrow as I’m having another day of excruciating pain.  Supposed to call the intake nurse this afternoon.

Oh no!  I'm so sorry, I'm holding you in my thoughts and prayers today.  I wish there was something to brighten your day today.

I echo Marty's sentiment, I wish you healing thoughts and some glimmer of good in this special day, your birthday.  It makes all my pain and problems wain, still haven't heard from the contractor who is supposed to come measure my garage/bldg & give me a bid.  Afraid TG will push it back to next week.  Sometimes we want to know what we're dealing with, but afraid we're not up to it either.  Still having a lot of pain, called them and they said stay icing/elevating it and taking Ibuprofen & Tylenol.  Was supposed to get snow this morning, don't see any.

[KarenK]

Gwen, wishing you a big piece of chocolate pie or 🎂 and the peace to enjoy it.

[Gin]

Hope you have an OK day.  I know they are not nearly as special as they used to be!   Gin

[kayc]

I hope you'll update us how your day is going, so hoping it gets better.  I wish so much for you...

[Margm]

Love you girl.  We are not promised skies always blue, and a lot more goes through with that, but I sure hope you are promised help for your pain.  

[widow'15]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

but the house needs to look like it is being watched (mail, lights) and I have no one to do that on a regular basis.

Gwen:  Here goes Gramma's advice you can ignore if you like.  Do you have some of those timers that lamps are plugged into.  I use them all the time just to turn lights on and off in my living room should I be away from the house.  I also think my neighbors use them all the time cause I never see them over there but their lights go on and off during the evening.  There is a website for the post office where you can stop your mail or even view your mail that is to be delivered.  I get a message in my email every time I have mail.  Saves me having to walk outside to my mailbox in the dark to see an empty mailbox.  Our street must be the last street delivered.  Mail comes sometimes at 6 PM.  Again, just thought I'd offer suggestions.  You are allowed to "DELETE" this post.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

So far my day has been the usual.  Can I get out of bed and dressed?  Will I be able to get out and do something to onto be trapped all day?  Finding the pain is boss.  Hoping I wouldn’t have to make any medical calls, but I do.  It hit me last night what my wish was.  To be left alone by med and insurance crap on a weekday.  I knew better than to go for a biggie like my life as It was back.  Or no pain.  Guess if I get out for that burger I’ll call it good.  I have a grief session first and that means sitting on a hard chair.  I can’t use my desk computer as it has lost sound and no camera.  Steve would have fixed or upgraded me.  So I have to prop this iPad against my vitamin and PB jars.

Thank you for all the wishes for my birthday.  I don’t know what I’d do without you all.  💖 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, widow'15 said:

Again, just thought I'd offer suggestions.  You are allowed to "DELETE" this post.  Hugs, Dee

Oh Dee!  I would never delete your post!  Love ya too much and I know you are offering helpful suggestions.

The timer idea I’d good, but I’d have to get them, install and figure out setting them.  My outlet situation isn’t conventional.  It’s lots of extension cords under my couch in the living room.  I could possibly have the guy who’d take Melody do it, so that’s an idea.  The mail stop is a good one.  Never thought of that.  Most everything is set for auto billing.  The only new bills would be Medicare stuff since that is new this month and I’ve had several Zoom appointments.  They tell me if I do the surgery it will be February so this stuff would be settled already, I keep forgetting the timeline because I’m so frazzled.  But if it becomes an emergency it would be a mad scramble.  I need to become one of hose people that get things going as I can and stop this frenzy of NOW NOW NOW to get a grip.  I’m my own worst enemy.  

Hopefully time to plan this out at a normal pace.  Thanks for the ideas.  💖

[kayc]

I used to have one of those timers, think my XH must have taken it with him as haven't seen it since our divorce 20 years ago.  I don't remember how to set it.  I'm getting old!

My biggie is no one to watch Kodie, everyone has dogs that would make him lunchmeat.  Or don't want dogs.  He's such a sweetie, I just keep trying my best, what else can we do?

Gwen, I'm glad you didn't spend your bdy in emergency and I hope you were able to get out for your HB, these little things mean a lot.  I managed to make a pot of soup in the morning but paid for it the rest of the day/eve.  Both hands hurting, right one swollen too.  It's been 2 1/2 weeks, thought it'd be better now.  Haven't done much cooking or housework since the surgery.  Just getting by.  I called off the guy bringing the firewood to the patio, he took wood from the side so the tarp wasn't held up and all the wood exposed to the rain, I had to go out and restack it, so not saving me work, causing it.  I know if I talked to him about it he'd "forget" and do it again, sometimes easier to do things yourself.  Still hoping/praying the snows will hold off to above me.

[kayc]

Just came across this passage in Ecclesiastes 4, so true!  No wonder we're depressed!  Being alone is hard.
 

Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun:

I saw the tears of the oppressed—
    and they have no comforter;
power was on the side of their oppressors—
    and they have no comforter.
² And I declared that the dead,
    who had already died,
are happier than the living,
    who are still alive.
³ But better than both
    is the one who has never been born,
who has not seen the evil
    that is done under the sun.

⁴ And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

⁵ Fools fold their hands
    and ruin themselves.
⁶ Better one handful with tranquility
    than two handfuls with toil
    and chasing after the wind.

⁷ Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:

⁸ There was a man all alone;
    he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
    yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
    “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
    a miserable business!

⁹ Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
¹⁰ If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
¹¹ Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
¹² Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

[scba]

Kay, what does this passage mean? I'm not good at Scripture. I'm not sure about what's referring to. 

Oh, the world is full of fools. 

[Margm]

Of course the world is full of fools, but you are not among the fools my sweet young friend.  I became comfortable with the Bible (if you can get comfortable with it) reading my children's stories from it and my favorite about "Ruth" who followed her mother-in-law when her husband, the son, had passed.  The Bible has been broken down from "my" original King James Version to so many other versions explaining the KJV.  I bought the different versions and went back to my KJV.  My mom had told me "Never question the Bible" and so I don't.  And, a lot I don't understand.  When that happens,, I think about the song that has these words

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand

Now, I will let Kay explain, because she understands more than I do also.  

 

[scba]

I used to read a children's version of the Bible's Old Testament. My favorite was King David but, as every story adapted for children, the narration stopped when he defeated Goliat. What happened next? Was he a good King, did he live happily ever after? 

Thanks Marg! 

 

 

[Margm]

I'm going from memory (and that can be disputed so easily.  He was a lowly shepherd and he became king.  A lot happened in his lifetime and besides killing Goliath, he also had a woman named Bathsheba, he had her husband sent into battle and was killed.  Then he had her as his wife/woman/mistress, and I seem to remember they lost a child.  But he was God's choice and I think maybe Israel is here because of him.  I have a big book of all the battles in the Bible, and there were lots of wars.  Even though David was God's choice to lead, I did not admire David.  To me, he might have been in the newspapers in now-days as the "me-too" movement.  But he was human.  

[Gin]

This was a hard week.  My brother suddenly went from mild dementia to severe.  He is now in a nursing home with no visitors allowed.  His wife diesd last Jan.  I do not think he even knows who I am on the phone anymore, but I call him every day.

My daughter worked with the disabled for 10 years.  Money not coming in....let go on Friday.

My son lives in southern Cal/Mexico.  He fell from a high pole last year...2 hip replacements and back surgery.   Company had the wrong “cone” on the pole.  He had to go to court last week.  Something about workmans comp.  no details.  Sounded like he could go to jail.  Hard to get info from your 48 year old son.

my daughter said she was dropping off  dinner.  A friend dropped off a pie.

we have to be thankful for the good things in our life.  Being alone is sure hard.   Gin

[Margm]

I'm sorry Gin.  We never quit worrying about our family.  

[Kieron]

Gosh, that is a hard week indeed.  I am sorry, Gin.

[scba]

I'm sorry Gin 

[MartyT]

We're all thinking of you and your family, dear Gin  ❤️

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

we have to be thankful for the good things in our life.  Being alone is sure hard.   Gin

Oh Gin I am so sorry for all things happening with your family.  Like Marg said, we never stop worrying about our family.  The  hardest part, I think for me is, I can't help fix it like I used to be able to do when I wasn't alone.  You and yours are in my thoughts.

It is nice you will have food dropped off your Thanksgiving meal.  Thanksgiving Hugs, Dee

[KarenK]

Oh Gin, what lousy timing life has 😢  I hope you are able to enjoy your meal. Thinking of you.