If You're Going Through Hell

[MartyT]

Clearly you've raised not only an independent, strong daughter, Patty, but a very talented one as well. As the mom of two very strong, independent sons ~ just as I raised them to be ~ but whom I don't see nearly as often as I'd like, I so understand the pride mixed in with loneliness. The very definition of bittersweet. And you have no one with whom to share that pride or to compensate for the loneliness you're feeling. If that's not worthy of a grief attack, I don't know what is. And just for the record, what you experienced as you lay curled up on your couch was not a pity party or feeling sorry for yourself, any more than feeling proud of your daughter is bragging. You have a right to feel whatever you're feeling without placing a negative label on any of it. (And your daughter's film about grief is amazing. Thank you for sharing it with us. Wow. Just ~ wow.)  ♥

[KATPILOT]

I couldn't agree more.

[TerriL]

Patty, your daughter's film made me start crying. What a powerful little film. She's very talented. I had one of those slap in the face moments just a short while ago. I went out to nonchalantly throw laundry in and I don't know why I hadn't noticed, but Paul hung a small calendar on a shelf in the laundry room and he would mark the dates when he'd fertilize the lawn or wash and wax the car or truck. I turned around and my eyes just stared right at it, the entire year of 2015. I looked it over and realized the last time his truck had ever been washed or waxed was 9/22/15. The last time it was ever driven was the first week in October of 2015. Then, maybe even worse, I was astonished to realize that his truck has not even been driven in almost an entire year. It has not left our carport. How is it that that much time has gotten past me? How could I be so neglectful? I know I've been starting it up, but still. I was afraid to drive it at all, thinking that once I got it out of the carport, how would I get it back in. All I want, as well, is for Paul to be here with me, his arms around me, helping to ease my pain. I miss the warmth and strength of him. It's constant aloneness, as you said. 

Why is it that others feel it necessary to take an inventory of our looks and announce their findings to us? I think from now on, if someone mentions my weight, I'll just tell them honestly, "You know, I'm not really sure how to respond to that." I've been trying to remain polite and keep from saying, "Maybe I look like hell, because I've been going through hell! You think that might be it? And right now, you're contributing to it!" It irks me, because I'll be having what feels like a rather normal day, maybe I'll even be a little more upbeat for a change and then, they say something like that and it makes me worry. It makes me feel worse. It sets off my worrying mode, probably due, in part, to the scare I had back in 2013, when I went into the Crohn's flare (I did not know at that time what it was) and was in so much pain and losing weight without explanation. I feel vulnerable and self-conscious, like I'm sitting under their microscopes. 

Marg, SW, when my mom passed away, I was very preoccupied with other things at first, mainly trying to help my father. I know I was in shock and the reality did not hit me at first. About four months after she died, I was watching a movie, A League of Their Own, about the female baseball league when the men were fighting in WW2, and that was the era that my mom was a teenaged girl. By the end of the movie, I was bawling and just curled up in a fetal position crying non-stop. Paul was at the fire station that day, so didn't see that. Then, about two months after that, Paul and I were picking up some take-out food (I was driving) and we almost had an accident. I pulled over and burst into tears and Paul did not know what to do. I'll never forget the helpless look on his face because I could not stop crying. He took over deriving and we did pick up the food, but I was STILL crying hysterically when we reached home again. I couldn't eat, I just kept crying. Paul, poor, sweet man, was doing and saying everything he could think of to get me to stop and honestly, the fear in his eyes---he couldn't hide it. I finally stopped and it felt as if I'd run a marathon. I was so limp and spent and purged. I have cried like that for Paul, but the difference this time is that I had so much fear mixed in, it was more a feeling of "high alert". Everyone is different and that's only my experience of when I lost my mother, but don't feel guilty. It could just be that with all the shocks you've endured, you may find you have a delayed reaction. You have no reason though to feel guilt. I could see how much you loved your mother by your posts about her and the picture you posted of her when she was younger. No one could question whether you loved her if they read what you've written about her. XO

Edited September 8, 2016 by TerriL
The usual. My typing.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, TerriL said:

No one could question whether you loved her

I never knew my mom was "different."  Small paper mill town people, country red necks.  I say that with pride.  If we were poor we never really knew it.  Never went without a meal.  I remember her taking a can of Campbell's soup and it served all four of us, with crackers and dessert. We never left the table hungry.  Always had clothes to wear.  Mama made me wear "Lil Abner" shoes to school because they lasted.  All the girls wore pixie shoes and I wore clodhoppers.  Not only that, I pulled them off when I came in from school.  Damn feet stayed size 6-7 from the time I was a kid till I finished school.  Could not outgrow those shoes.  But, I did have shoes.  She did the best with what she had.  She had very many qualities that I wish I had.  

I have been more down lately, withdrawn, and for reasons we all know, for reasons we all share.  This was written on my Facebook by my daughter this morning.  Now, when I fuss about my kids, just ignore the hell out of me.

Our daughter wrote this: .Even in times of death, we try to maintain some sense of normality, but sometimes that sense never comes. I have figured out through watching my own Mama who was with her best friend and soul mate for almost 55 years, trying to find that sense of normality for almost the past year, and it never coming for her, is called surviving. Not healing. We never become whole again ... we are survivors. My Mama is a survivor. And she is learning to do it a little bit more each and every day. I love you, Mama.

Our son wrote this: This is wonderful Kelli, and I love you for writing it. Mama, I think of the words from a movie about a pig who herds sheep. The man would say "That'll do pig . That'll do.

I really had to do a double read on what our son wrote.  Then, I remembered the movie "Babe" about the pig raised by sheep herding dogs and I cried.

Scott always quotes his daddy often "Your mama gets a pass, son."  

My sister even has gotten in on trying to help me.  So I have plenty of help, I will pick myself up.  I told you all I was selfish.  

ADDENDUM:  Thank you WW for those kind words.  You have to love everyone on here and you have to feel their feelings and hurts as your own and you know you are not alone in this world.  And the film was beautiful Patty.

[TerriL]

I don't think you are selfish at all and I love what your children wrote on your Facebook page! It demonstrates their great love and admiration for a mama that deserves every bit of it. After everything you have been through, Marg, SW, I would never question anything you feel the need to do in order to bring a little joy and healing into your life. 

You made me laugh when you mentioned your "clodhoppers"! When I was a toddler, I had to wear some kind of orthopedic shoes----not sure why now----and I hated those things! They were bulbous toward the front and I used to call them "whales"!!! I had forgotten all about that until you brought that up. I think all of our parents did the best they could with what they had and the knowledge they possessed. 

[KATPILOT]

Marg I just watched Babe for the umpteenth time this last weekend and The Boss reminds me so much of Kathy's dad who was a farmer in Alberta. He strongly resembled James Cromwell and was such a gentle kind man. It gets me every time I watch it. What gets me the most is the song "If I had words" I sing that song out loud to Kathy quite often.

[Margm]

Steve, then you had to see James Cromwell in the movie "Still Mine."  I saw it with Billy before we knew he was sick or that Mama had Alzheimer's.  I do not know how it would make me react right now, but as slow moving as it was, the story behind it made me remember it as a life,. a real life, a man and woman and family and the government.  And sometimes we think we have it bad in America, but I guess all countries have rules and regulations to follow.  I love James Cromwell, but I love Genevieve Bujold also.  They played it beautifully.  Once it showed James taking an outside shower and I thought he had on longhandle underwear, but that was just skin.  I guess we all are subject to gravity.  Slow, but very good movie.  Might be too sad right now though.  I'm glad I watched it a couple of years ago.  

[TerriL]

Can you believe it? I have never seen Babe! lol I do know about that phrase "Bah, ram, EWE" or whatever it is. I've never seen "Still Mine" either. I tend to watch old movies---I've been infatuated with them since I was a kid. All the old Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers and Gene Kelly musicals, Humphrey Bogart, Gable, Lombard, Myrna Loy and William Powell, etc. I stopped counting how many times I've seen some of these old films, I ran out of fingers and toes!  The newest movies I've seen are from the 1980s. I loved the John Hughes films, especially 16 Candles. Paul and I used to quote from that movie ALL the time. I'm searching my brain for a more recent movie that I've seen and one I can think of is Bridesmaids, which was really funny and Hello, My Name Is Doris, which I watched on Pay Per View. I need to look in my movie guide and see if anyone is playing BABE! Is that sad? I'm not sure I can take sad right now. I agree with both of you that James Cromwell and Genevieve Bujold are magnificent actors. I also loved the late Sir John Gielgud. 

[kayc]

Patty,

Her film is very powerful.  I'm still feeling melancholy, thinking about it...

I understand your feelings of pride...yet missing her.  I feel that way with my kids too...busy with their lives, as they should be.  Wondering where the time went when they were young, missing having "family" around.

You're really going through a lot.  And to have to be hit with seeing all of Ron's things like that, that's hard.  I'm sorry it hit you so hard, crying into the night.   This is such a hard adjustment...one we all hate.

[Froggie4635]

Babe is a very sweet movie, although there are some dark undertones that adults would get but not children.  I've been watching PS I Love you over and over again.  There are so many scenes that I can relate to.  I liked it so much that I purchased the soundtrack.  It has Kathy Bates in it, who I adore.  

Today at work we were allowed to wear our NFL shirts to support our team.  Our Executive Vice President is a BIG Steelers fan, as am I, so he really likes to do things like this for staff morale...and we look forward to it.  It is kind of bittersweet for me.  I LOVE my team, but miss having Mark to root along with me.  He grew up here in Houston and the Oilers were a big rival. I like to think that those many years ago we were both watching the same games because our teams were in the same division.  I am letting a little of ME come out by wearing my gear, hesitantly.  I don't want people to think I am OVER my grief by being me.  

[TerriL]

Maryann,

That's the thing about allowing some of your personality to shine through once again. People are suddenly commenting on how they are so happy to see you "all better" and it's difficult to deal with, simply because it isn't true. It's one of the reasons I stopped going on Facebook, along with the nasty political climate on that site. No healthy person wants to be in on THAT. I applaud you though for wearing your team's shirt with pride. Mark would be proud of you, too! 

I'll have to watch Babe, but I hope it won't make me cry. There have been so many things going on lately and I've been doing enough of that on my own. I usually stick to comedies or musicals like Singing' In The Rain. 

[Froggie4635]

Babe is a sweet movie.  There are always sad bits in any film that involves animals...but it makes you want to go and get a pig.  It is not sad like Charlotte's Web.  I think you will find yourself rooting for Babe.  I stopped Facebook too. A friend made a comment about what I posted and it hurt my feelings; so I deactivated my account.  I got tired of the whole "liking" part of it. I haven't been on it in months and don't really miss it much.  

[mittam99]

Just now, TerriL said:

I tend to watch old movies---I've been infatuated with them since I was a kid.

Same here. Matter of fact it was so cool that Tammy felt the same way. It surprised me because she was so young. Then again, it didn't because she loved anything old-school (including me lol). Our TV was tuned to TCM a good part of the day and we felt like Robert Osborne was a friend.

So many incredible actors back then. Tracy, Hepburn, Bogart, Stewart, Loy... on and on. And it wasn't all about special effects and cursing, it was great stories well told.

Tammy dreamed of us someday going on one of those TCM cruises ... it breaks my heart.

[Margm]

23 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

 I stopped Facebook too.

I have stopped it too many times to count.  This is one way my high school friends and I keep up with each other though.  Sometimes I post and delete.  I keep hearing my mama saying "fools names and fools faces always appear in public places."  

Last night I got the initiative to go through boxes.  My only problem was it was around midnight.  That is the witching hour for me.  I have to go to bed.  Alas, this morning my midnight initiative is gone.  

[Froggie4635]

Marg...

I can't really remember the last time I saw midnight, unless I had been asleep and woke up at that time.  Early on, I would find myself up in the wee hours, make my way to the computer and look out at the world, so to speak.  This latest health scare has kind of prodded me to be more motivated in my waking hours.  I still tend to put some things off, but I am finding that I feel proud of what I do accomplish...which then pushes me to do more.  I have three furry interruptions most times, but I like feeling that I did something.  I know it could be one of those grief respites; but I might as well try and take advantage.   I think the day that I pounded those nails in that plywood on my fence jarred something loose, made me feel capable once again.  Take care of yourself, Marg.

[Margm]

49 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

made me feel capable once again.  Take care of yourself, Marg

Somehow, I did what I was not supposed to do during the first few months, I moved.  Last night when I went to bed, listening to the noises of all the other apartment dwellers, it hit me that this is where I am supposed to be.  I even wrote in the journal that I had torn all the pages out of and destroyed.  Nothing sad.  Nothing final.  Only a few lines.  I was not crying when I wrote the words.  I do not miss the house I left, I do not miss the town, I do not miss the state.  I miss Billy in a way I cannot quantify.  But, at that time I also felt like I had to move on.  Today, I have to do a few things and I will do them by myself.  I have had someone with me nearly continuously since Billy left.  And suddenly I am terrified.  

We go through so many waves of grief all the time it is a wonder any of us can come up for breath.

I have what I call a congenital tremor.  It used to be.  It now may have advanced to early Parkinson's disease, which we have a lot of in our family.  My very contaminated by radiation "innards" won't let me take many medications. Whatever it is, as long as it lets me stand upright, as long as I don't have to depend on someone, I will just tolerate it.  Mechanical work can be done.  I can still use a hammer and nails.  I am  not as sure of myself as I was a year ago.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.  

[mittam99]

Marg, I know you can.  

[Margm]

[KATPILOT]

Maryann football season reminds me of fall which reminds me of cooler temps which I so want to see. I never had a favorite team and don't much care either way but for some reason Kathy loved the Packers. I remember being in the hospital in Calgary just weeks before she died and the super bowl was on. They moved us to a different room with no tv since you had to order it a day in advance. So I felt such desperation trying to find a way for her to see her favorite team play. Green Bay won of course but she was not able to see it. She didn't complain but it's one of a thousand memories I wish I didn't have.  I couldn't save her life. Hell I couldn't even get a tv.

 

Marg, life is an adventure. You've accomplished more than many of us could have and still be terrified. 

[Margm]

I loved football.  We liked the Razorbacks back when a hometown boy named Joe Ferguson played for them and never quit.  He went on to play for the Bills, I think.  He has had many fights battling cancer and has survived I am happy to say.  I cannot get my interest back in football or anything, just like I am sure is the same for all of you.  Things are just not as much fun.  And Steve, I could not accept Billy's death, even when he held his hands out to me in the show of giving up.  There are so many things we have to forgive ourselves for.  I know Billy would forgive me, but the hardest person to forgive is myself.  And, I think that goes for all of us, no matter how hard we tried.  I won't be able to talk myself into forgiveness and no one ever will be able to.  And just the simple thing of a football game, that becomes an ocean to swim, when you don't know how to swim.  And, even if you know how to swim, you realize it is impossible.  We can only  hope the weight does not drown us.  We can only hope.  

[Cheryl J]

On 5/5/2016 at 11:04 AM, Marg M said:

Hey, I can start a new topic, they are usually not of much substance and they don't last long, but I listened to the radio this morning on the way to local "Dollar Gentral." (If you have not seen the Dollar Gentral girls on You Tube, you need to watch them.) Good ole Louisiana gals, I believe.  Anyhow, this song hit me right in the middle.  I can personally tell you all why they say wait a year before you make any big moves.  I am not/was not sure I might have a year though.  Anyhow, a country station (yes, I did) and I've heard this song before but did not listen.  It is by Rodney Atkins.  

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

More words to it, but you would have to listen and some folks won't listen.  

I LOVE that song!!!  It fits for all of us!!  Thanks for sharing!

[TerriL]

Yes, Cheryl, it's a great song and it truly applies to our situations. However, not only did the devil figure out I was there, I've invited him over to tea a few afternoons. lol

I think it goes without saying that we all have those moments we look back on and wish with everything we have that we could just get a "do-over". I don't think I'll ever completely forgive myself for not forcing Paul to go to the ER that very first morning. No, I do not know that it would have guaranteed a different outcome, but I do know that with stroke, the earlier the diagnosis and treatment, the better the odds for survival. I'm at a very strange place inside myself at this point, There is a struggle going on between knowing I'm only 57 and trying to get back to some sort of involvement with life and feeling older than my years and surrounded by people dying or being ill. Never before have I been the kind of person who rolls over and just gives up and that part of me is still very much there. But, I also had Paul. Marg, I have also had that torn feeling with my home. I look around and everything that's been done to this house is Paul's handiwork---it's like he is literally built in to the place. However, I've had many moments of wanting to find a new place, a new location, new faces around me, but until I know my financial situation, I stay put to be "safe". I have friends who tell me I shouldn't move because they are closer to me right now if I need "help". I asked for help from one of these friends about five days ago, He called twice this past week to let me know he didn't forget about me---the last time he called was yesterday morning. He told me he'd be out in the late afternoon. I haven't heard from him or seen him since. So, I sit here and think, "What difference would it make if I was living in a place where I didn't know anyone or living here where the people I do know are completely unreliable?" 

I'm more of a soccer fan than American football, although I do like the Dolphins, especially thew 1972 Dolphins. lol Bob Griese was my favorite player. I used to have season tickets to the old Fort Lauderdale Strikers games and even went to several away games. The Connecticut Bicentennials used to play at Yale Stadium in New Haven, so I can honestly tell people I "went to Yale".  

Hang in there, Marg! And next time you're up at midnight, The Witching Hour, by all means give me a call! I'll light the bonfire in the backyard and we can dance and howl at the moon!  

[Gin]

Stephen,

We were Chicago Bears fans and loved the rivalry between Green Bay and Chicago.  However, we also loved Bret Favre, which really irritated the rest of the family.  Al bought a Green Bay jersey and wore it when we went to my son-in-law's.  

Gin

[iPraiseHim]

On 9/7/2016 at 7:13 PM, TerriL said:

SW, I know what you mean about those doctors and the initial treatment you receive over the phone, before you've even stepped into the office. I've been that same way----I'll think to myself that if they don't care, it must not be a big deal and I hang up. It's mentally and physically exhausting sometimes just trying to find a good one. If your mind is directing you toward seeking out a pastor, then maybe it's trying to tell you where you will find real help. You should find a compassionate clergyman to sit with you, listen and pray. 

I've had a problem lately when people stop by to visit me. As I've stated before on here, I was diagnosed with Crohn's a few years ago and although I had gained all of my weight back when Paul was still alive (and used to cook for me all the time), since his death, I've plateaued at around 100 lbs. I've always been small and slender anyway, but twice now, people tell me I lost weight and my legs are thin. I'm honestly at a loss as to how I'm supposed to respond to a comment like that! Any suggestions ? I don't think I'm THAT bad looking! 

I would say, "Thank you for noticing.  Are you offering to cook my meals? I'm on a special diet." I'll bet they won't say anything next time! - Shalom

[TerriL]

Hahahaha!!!!! George, that is epic! You've come up with the winning comeback! Who knows? If I say that to someone that really knows how to cook, they might even say "Sure! What would you like?" Baked ziti!