If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

Marg, I love midnight!  Don't know anything about the witching hour, I just love the quiet and how everything looks outside.  

Survived the dentist today $1,775.00 bill...decided to opt for temporary crown for $700.00 less.  Good thing too, he told me after he worked on it that I could lose the tooth within five years.  I might have decided differently had I known that to start with.  Very sore now!

Marg, there's no doubt in my mind that you made the right decision for you in moving.  The fact that you feel more comfortable now confirms that.

 

[KATPILOT]

Darn Kay. So much so soon. You could sure use a break.   I remember when Kathy was dying I had a terrible tooth ache that I neglected and then after she was gone I didn't care how bad I hurt. But it went on until it truly became unbearable. I had to have a root canal done and I took her ipod with me to listen with my earphones as a distraction. They kept asking if I was alright with the pain, if I needed more pain med. They misunderstood why I had tears in my eyes.  A few months back I was listening to the same ipod when they were hacking away at my nose to get rid of a skin cancer but the tears were not with me this time. I guess I am stronger than I was five years earlier. I also think I have learned to embrace the triggers because they just qualify the love we shared. While I'm at it, I should say that lately I have come across more triggers that made me smile than made me sad. I hope everyone gets to that place one day. It is possible. If I can do it, anyone can. It just took years to get here and it isn't because the memories or love has faded. I love her just as much or more than I ever did.

[Margm]

Steve, I sure hope I live that long to feel like that.  I would just be satisfied with looking at his pictures without crying.  But then, if I don't live that long, then maybe I will be with him.  I am proud of you, that gives hope to all of us.  

[Gin]

Steve,

yes you are an inspiration and I thank you.  I want to start looking at the many, many pics that I took.  They will no doubt make me sad, but should have good memories, too.   

[Gwenivere]

Steve, I have to mirror Margs comment above.  I know the love I feel is even more intense now and it is the waiting that is so very hard.  I'm glad you both have family in your lives that help. We never had kids and what 'chosen' family we had is changed with his loss.  Sadly because that is what happens as many of us have found.  What I appreciate the most is your honesty to say this could take years.  It gets especially lonely when the world expects you to have adjusted to its timetable.  You keep feelin that loss of love, but have to keep it to yourself so much while listening to everyone's plans as thier life continues on untouched yet by a huge loss.  I, myself, thought at almost 2 years I would be so much better.  In little ways I am, like acceptance he is gone.  But there are so many other things that I deal with daily by him not being here and the new ones that pop up.  

As Gin said, you are an inspiration and want you know that.  

[MartyT]

35 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

As Gin said, you are an inspiration and want you know that.

Yes. Amen.  ♥

[scba]

44 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Steve, I have to mirror Margs comment above.  I know the love I feel is even more intense now and it is the waiting that is so very hard.  I'm glad you both have family in your lives that help. We never had kids and what 'chosen' family we had is changed with his loss.  Sadly because that is what happens as many of us have found.  What I appreciate the most is your honesty to say this could take years.  It gets especially lonely when the world expects you to have adjusted to its timetable.  You keep feelin that loss of love, but have to keep it to yourself so much while listening to everyone's plans as thier life continues on untouched yet by a huge loss.  I, myself, thought at almost 2 years I would be so much better.  In little ways I am, like acceptance he is gone.  But there are so many other things that I deal with daily by him not being here and the new ones that pop up.  

As Gin said, you are an inspiration and want you know that.  

My relationship with my in laws and mutual friends have changed too, but not for the better. Maybe it is a transition, but I feel further away from them, like "it is over for this too". I hope I will be able to reconnect with them when I feel less pain.

Next week it is going to be 2 years and I have been having random tears coming out on the street, on the bus, feeling sort pf lack of air and a strong pain in my chest. I was affraid to break down in my workplace (where I am new and nobody knows about my loss). I could cry at home. I fear the following days.

I know this will take years.....

A hug to everybody. Ana

 

[iPraiseHim]

Anna, I have been having similar episodes and I'm just approaching 19 months.  It seems like there is just a deeper and deeper revelation that my wife is not here and will not be returning.My feelings/emotions can really wreak havoc on my life. I take long, deep breaths and tell myself that this will pass but they feel as intense as the first days and weeks of my wife, Rose Anne's death.  

For me there is also a connection with how well I take care of myself.  I was never that good before because I was too busy taking care of other people.  Now I have come to realize that I need to care for myself especially when I don't feel like.  Less sleep, poor eating habits, focusing on the negatives, loneliness, not taking vitamins, etc.. all tend to affect my feelings as well. 

I stopped journal-ling to my wife for about three months because I didn't want to break down and cry every time I wrote something.  It helps to come here and read about our friends in the group and try to share even the not so up times in my grief journey.  I know there is a purpose in all this but I don't know what it is just yet.  I just have hope that tomorrow will be a better day.  I will be praying for you to find your way through grief as well.  - Shalom George

[KATPILOT]

6 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I stopped journal-ling to my wife for about three months because I didn't want to break down and cry every time I wrote something.  It helps to come here and read about our friends in the group and try to share even the not so up times in my grief journey.  I know there is a purpose in all this but I don't know what it is just yet.  I just have hope that tomorrow will be a better day. 

I wonder George, do you once again journal to Rose Anne or have you stopped completely?  Sometimes it's okay to cry especially when you are alone. I was discussing with my grief counselor why I talk out loud to Kathy still. Not being God I don't think our lost one's can read our thoughts. I do know however that they can hear us.  I think also that they can see us so if that is true, perhaps Rose Anne could read what you wrote. Just a thought.

I believe there is a purpose in all of this too George but we may never know the answer. I do believe tomorrow will be a better day even if tomorrow is weeks, months, or years away. I was just thinking how it took me more than five years to see that better tomorrow but I would not have traded those years for anything. My life since Kathy died has been filled with a lot of tears, despair, and sorrow but only because I love that woman so deeply. When years down the road you realize you love them still, well, perhaps it's then that a little smile finds your lips and you chalk it up to the price of love.

[kayc]

Good point Steve, I tend to talk to George in my mind, maybe I should vocalize it more.  As they are spirit right now, they are no longer bound by physical limitations as they once were, so it's hard knowing what they can/can't do.  I like to think he's still in touch with me and is aware of my life.  I know this, wherever he is, he still loves me and Lord knows I still love him!

[Gin]

Kay,

I think at Al a lot.  Maybe I should speak it out loud.  Who knows what will work?

Gin

[Muggs138]

Feeling like I am going backwards in my grief. This coming Friday it will be one year since Jonathan passed away and it is true what they say about grief, that it's like "waves of an ocean" because lately I feel like I have been hit by a tidal wave! 

I know it's one of the "firsts" that we all have to go through, but lately I have just given up hope that I will ever feel happy again. As each "first" thing or date that passes by,I think to myself OK you got through this, so maybe soon you will feel some peace... Nope!!! It just seems worse by the day. 

I talk to people and I feel better for that moment, but as soon as I am alone again without him,I sink down and feel like I'm drowning. 

Grief just sucks! And I miss him so bad and I miss our life together and I miss being happy. 

i miss the person I use to be, the person I know I can never be again is gone and I miss her. She was so happy and fun to be around . Now she is replaced with a sad, lonely, miserable girl that barely smiles. 

Its a true saying that when someone you love dies, it's just not that one person that dies, it's two. 

[Clematis]

I think you're right, Steve. I think speaking aloud is good. My dad has been fairly responsive to me, but now that I think about it, most of the time he has responded to things anyone would notice if they were bodily standing there, like pointing out that I should buy gas, that the airbag light was on, that the only fire extinguisher was still down at his place, etc. After eight months of silently ruminating about the combination to the keypad on his car (keyless entry), I had the dream in which he gave me enough clues that I was able to find it. But it didn't happen until I started messing around with the keypad that I got a response.

[iPraiseHim]

4 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I wonder George, do you once again journal to Rose Anne or have you stopped completely?  Sometimes it's okay to cry especially when you are alone. I was discussing with my grief counselor why I talk out loud to Kathy still. Not being God I don't think our lost one's can read our thoughts. I do know however that they can hear us.  I think also that they can see us so if that is true, perhaps Rose Anne could read what you wrote. Just a thought.

I believe there is a purpose in all of this too George but we may never know the answer. I do believe tomorrow will be a better day even if tomorrow is weeks, months, or years away. I was just thinking how it took me more than five years to see that better tomorrow but I would not have traded those years for anything. My life since Kathy died has been filled with a lot of tears, despair, and sorrow but only because I love that woman so deeply. When years down the road you realize you love them still, well, perhaps it's then that a little smile finds your lips and you chalk it up to the price of love.

Yes, I have started writing to her again.  I didn't consciously make a decision to stop writing. I just woke up the other day and realized I had stopped.  I speak her name daily and often tell her I miss her. I believe the shock and awe of her death just numbed my soul. It still hurts so bad that she is gone.  I just didn't expect the intensity of the pain to be this much after18 months.  I don't know what to expect.  I just take it a day at a time. - Shalom 

[Gin]

Steve,

How do you know for sure that they can hear us?  But not hear our silent cries?  I am always "talking" to Al, but not out loud.  Maybe I will change my talk.  I would do anything to communicate with him.  Such a long, lonely road we are on.

Gin

[Margm]

I don't write to Billy.  I write to myself about Billy.  I talk to Billy, all the time.  And, of course, my main words to him are "I don't know Billy, I just don't know.  I don't know how, I don't know what to do, and you are not talking to me to tell me what to do."  That is the main refrain.  But, when I am alone driving, I talk to him.  He still does not talk back to me.  Somehow or other, I need clouds in the sky.  Maybe that is his white beard.  It was not totally white and sometimes storm clouds hear me more than a cloudless sky.  The moon used to listen to me.  Do you know that I do not get out at night to look for the moon?  For once in my life, my sky is moonless.  Now, if I am brave enough to drive somewhere at night and the moon is shining, I do talk to it too.  I cry to the moon.  I have not got to the point of howling at it yet though.  I might though, if I am brave enough to venture out at night, in the future.  

Addendum: I do remind myself often of him saying "I am you and you are me."  I also remind myself of him saying "the one left must stay."  Okay, if I am him and he is me, then we are still here, and dammit to H, I am staying, for awhile anyhow.

[TerriL]

1 hour ago, Muggs138 said:

i miss the person I use to be, the person I know I can never be again is gone and I miss her. She was so happy and fun to be around . Now she is replaced with a sad, lonely, miserable girl that barely smiles. 

I know how you feel, since I often feel the same. Just this morning, I was out in my backyard picking up some branches and I came across Paul's work gloves lying on top of the gas grill that I no longer use. He was the grill-King. I picked them up and just held them to my heart. The neighbor next door is playing his usual music, there's sun and a breeze, everything goes on as usual around me. But, I'm standing there, alone, clutching the gloves Paul would probably be wearing today while he did work around the yard. Before, on a day like today, I would have felt upbeat and happy, going out to check on him working and bringing him water or a cold beer. I'm trying to find a point to my being here now and nothing ever presents itself. No one helps me---they're all going about their NORMAL lives. The only person that came through for me, did so only to try and control my life. If I wanted to be pushed around and verbally abused, I could have all the help I wanted. Yeah, I'm one month away from the year mark of Paul's death and I don't really see any lessening of the pain or the loneliness. I feel more comfort in playing old music and remembering the days we were together. It seems healthier than stewing in anger over so-called "friends" who keep telling me to call when I need help and then either don't answer or return my calls or say they'll come over and just don't bother to show up. I think, "Is this the sum of my life? Is this how I'm doomed to spend whatever's left of it?" I do talk to Paul, but I felt his presence more back in the earlier days of my grief. I struggle to sense him or pick up his guidance now, which makes me feel even more alone. I'm not sure if it's me or HIM. 

This morning, I woke up and checked Paul's email. There was one from the retired firefighters association, with a picture enclosed. I didn't even know this was going to happen, but Paul's name, along with the other firefighters who recently passed away, was engraved into the fallen firefighters memorial outside one of the stations in the city. I printed out the picture to keep, but one of these days, I may take a ride to that station to see it in person for myself and take my own picture. I looked at the names, all of whom I recognized and knew, and thought back to the days when I would take our goddaughter to this very same station for the "Open House" the department has every year for children to see the equipment and watch firemen and policemen in action, that kind of thing. The men on this memorial made the open houses extra special for her and now, all we have are the memories. I'm thankful for the memories, but it still hurts. It doesn't feel like it was all that long ago, even if it was. Let's do the Time Warp again. (Dibs on the role of Columbia! I've always wanted a top hat!)

 

[KATPILOT]

Gin I should tell you that I have a lot of electrical events that go on in my home. Specifically there is a ceiling fan light that turns on when something eventful is happening. I have spoken of this before but on two occasions when I actually spoke to her the light turned on right over my head. I don't know what she says but I know she hears me. I sent my son home to my house to pick up something for me and while he was there he said out loud "Kathy it would be nice if you turned on the fan for dad. Moments later the fan came on just as he was leaving. I guess if I were logging this that light and fan would have turned on perhaps 20 times in the last five and a half years. It had never occurred until the day she died. She may be around when nothing special is going on but I tell her I love her every day just in case she is. Nothing had happened for the last two months but I had an appointment with my grief counselor on Thursday afternoon. When I went home, the light was on. Take it for what it's worth. Believe it or not. I have no doubt but then I live there.

One of the things I wanted to talk to Joyce my counselor about was how I never have let go because she never has truly left. My grief gets darker after months with no contact and it's like I am starting to grieve all over again. Joyce asked me if I wanted it to end. I said emphatically "hell no". I expressed my fear that I was holding Kathy there because of my own need. I can't talk much about what she said. It's too personal. Let's just say Kathy has the time and she's going to do what she wants. Will I ever move from this house? What do you think?

Marty placed some information in a earlier post about  after life communication "no medium needed". I copied it to explore but happily I have not had the time for this art auction has kept me quite busy. I can pick it up later because neither Kathy nor I am going anywhere. Kathy has all the time in the world. I have said this before too. I am the luckiest man living the most enchanted life. And it wasn't me. I will probably delete this post soon for I fear it may be disturbing to some but since you asked.

[Muggs138]

TerriL

I am so sorry for your lose. I would not wish our agonizing pain and grief on my worst of enemies. 

I know exactly how you feel!  I will be just laying around on the couch and my eyes with catch the simplest of things... A spot on the carpet where he spilled his Pepsi, that I could never bring myself to remove it completely. And it takes my breath away 

When i walk in the house the first thing I smell is just him... No matter how much time goes by or how many candles I light, it always smells like him. And it's soooo bittersweet to me cause somedays I just want to erase all my memories just so I don't feel such fierce pain anymore but I can never in a million years even move or get rid of anything he ever touched. It's like living in my own private hell. 

And when I say "private" it's because what u said is correct... People who said they would be with me through this are gone and no where to be seen. I get a phone call or a text once every other month to see if I'm still alive, but the whole"I'm there every step of the way for you " was gone a month after the funeral. 

I feel so alone that a constantly "bug" people that he was close with... His sister, his parents, and some of our close friends even though they are dealing with it in their own way. I feel like he was a part of them so if I stay close to them, I stay close to Jonathan, even though he had issues with his family and even I had issues with them during all this mess the truth is NO I'm not any closer to him ...  Because even they are trying to move on in their grief the way they seem fit, which is completely different from how I am trying to just survive day by day.  

My problem is I want everyone to feel like I do about him, about us, about my pain, and the fact is they don't because they're not me. 

But it's hard when the people you counted on the most go on with their lives, which they should be doing, but I am just stuck in a hole filling up with quick sand and I have no life line it seems except myself and it's hard!

[Gin]

Steve,.  Don't delete.  I think I am envious since I get  NO signs.  Maybe I am just not as open to them as you.  I thought that my thoughts would go through to him, but maybe I need to vocalize them.  I write to him every day telling how much I love him and miss him.  One might think that he could feel me.  Another issue I have is more bizarre. Al was a widower when I met him.  He always said how much better our love was than anything he had before.  What if his late wife wants him as much as I do?  How will that work?  I told you it was weird.

[TerriL]

Muggs,

Don't feel bad. I still have pretty much everything of Paul's exactly where he left it the day he collapsed with multiple strokes, was taken away by rescue and never came home again (except in an urn). I still have the same sheets on the bed, untouched. I've been sleeping in a recliner in the living room. The only things I did finally toss out were food-related items. Although, now that I think about it, I still have the jug of iced tea I made for him early last October still stuck somewhere in the back of the fridge. I suppose I really should toss that (and maybe hold my breath when I open it---I don't know, I don't think I've ever smelled year-old iced tea before). 

I also understand that people have their own lives to live. If I hadn't gone through this myself and someone else was in this situation, I probably would be living my life with Paul. For someone who hasn't experienced this, it's that 500 pound pink elephant sitting in the center of the room that everyone is trying to avoid. People say to you that they're surprised you're still in so much pain, they thought you were doing so much "better". I tell them that I hate to break it to them, but there is no such thing as "getting better" when it comes to this. They get that look in their eyes where you can see them projecting themselves into that possible scenario and there have been moments when I've actually seen a brief expression of fear cross their faces. They don't want to be reminded of what will eventually come. The only way to avoid it is if you go at the same time, like in a plane or car crash. We're like "tainted goods". It's just very disheartening to have to face a reality that friends you've known so long can be so thoughtless. They may try to say all the right things, but as the old adage goes, actions speak louder than words. 

I'm sorry we have to bear all this pain and loneliness, too. It's exhausting. 

[TerriL]

11 minutes ago, Gin said:

What if his late wife wants him as much as I do?  How will that work?  I told you it was weird.

Gin, my Paul had an ex-wife, who is nine years older than me. I've thought about what you are saying, but I came to the conclusion that he was not happily married to her when he was living and we were together much, much longer than they were. Paul and I were truly soul mates and I feel he watches over me, not her, and that we are destined to be reunited when my time comes. I mentioned how I had not been receiving any messages or signs lately and that it made me feel even worse. A few minutes after I wrote that, I decided to listen to the radio and "our song" came on right away. I smiled and cried at the same time because I felt that he wanted me to know he was still there. Sometimes, just wait for it, Gin. Al will let you know. 

I also agree with Gin, Steve, that you should just let your comment stand. It could help many people more than disturb them.

[Gwenivere]

20 minutes ago, Gin said:

Another issue I have is more bizarre. Al was a widower when I met him.  He always said how much better our love was than anything he had before.  What if his late wife wants him as much as I do?  How will that work?  I told you it was weird.

Gin, Steve was married twice before me.  The first was a marriage of convenience, the 2nd he thought was love.  Each lasted about 4 years.  We had 33 married.  He and they divorced unlike Al being a widower, but I know in my soul we were the couple that was meant to be.  Even if one of his past wives died, I look back on what we have, what he told me about thier relationship as opposed to ours and know in his heart he loved me and if people are reunited, I will be with him.  You said it yourself, he told you about the love he had for you being deeper and I think that is the barometer.  It's not what she wants, it's what he wants.  I'd say the answer was quite clear who he is waiting for.

[KATPILOT]

Exactly Gwen!

[TerriL]

4 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

Exactly Gwen!

Ditto!