Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[TerriL]

I know, my heart broke for him! That's probably the last thing he ever expected to happen when appearing on the show! I'm sure it may have taught everyone who interviews people a lesson as well: do your basic homework or research before opening your yap!

On a much more positive note, I am officially a great aunt for the second time! My niece had her daughter, Kiera, at 4:56pm and mother and daughter are doing just fine! I cried with happiness but also with bittersweet feelings since I wish Paul was here to share the news with me. 

[KATPILOT]

So often at reunions some classmates have gone and I suppose it's rather common. Perhaps name tags could be provided where there is also a line to say "Husband / Wife died. Thank you for not asking". 

[brat#2]

Congrats, Terri.

Joyce

 

[TerriL]

Thank you, Joyce!

 

I know there have been a few classmates that have passed on, but they won't be there and I doubt their spouses would attend without them, since most probably wouldn't have gone to our school. Maybe the fact that it hasn't even been a year yet since Paul passed away is what makes me unwilling to put myself through it. It's a shame, because if Paul was here, I'd definitely be up to attending with him by my side. 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, TerriL said:

high school reunion, which is being held in my town at the end of this month.

WW, our female part of the class reunion is being held in a small town just over the state line.  I grew up with Arkansas within a rock throw (if I had a good arm) and our reunion is being held at the Baptist church in the small town.  (In the daytime).  This honestly is the first one I have attended in 55 years.  I talk to the "girls" all the time and the majority are widows, and kinfolks.  Been lathering the youth serum on lavishly.  My granddaughter told me when she was 8 or 9.  "Mamol, why do you buy that stuff, it does not do you any good."  

My pictures now look like I have had a small stroke.  Oh well, the bubble has burst and now it is time to step into the real world.  First thing I have gone to without Billy.  But then, we did not go to many things except family reunions.  Had gained three pounds as of this morning and there was no room to gain.  I sure like to hide.  

[TerriL]

SW, I think I might be using that very same youth serum! I'm not sure how much I've spent on youth creams, serums, masks, lotions, etc., over the years but my face doesn't look the way you'd expect for all that money. Now, I'm trying to work on accepting my face as it is, hoping that it isn't too hideous for public appearances. I'm all-natural while living in an area that's been named the "Plastic Surgery Capital Of The World", even over Los Angeles, if you can believe that! Our reunion is being held in a major tropical resort down on the beach----at night----meaning there will most likely be much drinking, dancing, frivolity and SELFIES! Many, many selfies which will then be posted to Facebook, my present nemesis. Whatever friends I do have left from school I would most likely lose by threatening them every time they'd come near me with a cell phone camera. Honestly doesn't the word "selfie" seem to capture completely the present climate in our society? Doesn't that one word sum it all up succinctly?  

Most of the things Paul and I did were family-oriented, too, although we loved nature and went for many rides together to parks and wildlife areas. I'd always have my camera with me to get shots of the alligators and birds. 

I do hope you enjoy your reunion, SW! When is it being held? Soon? 

[mittam99]

My thought of the day, July 9th edition:

I'm off of work today and while I'm sitting here typing this out, I'm thinking about this life of mine. It's been a couple days over 16 months since my perfect, heaven sent soul mate, Tammy died. With her in my life, the world felt "right". No matter the struggles, whether they were medical or monetary, we had each other and that made life joyful. That love and that belief in each other was once in a lifetime.

Now, my life is filled with different struggles. What do I do to fill my day? How do I motivate myself to get those mundane chores done? Why do I bother trying to eat right and exercise? After all, taking care of myself probably means a longer life. And that's the real struggle that I think eats at all of us. If we have many years of this life ahead, is this as good as it will get? I know it's best to take one day at a time and live in the moment, but let's face it, when we're alone, and we're thinking, thoughts of our future pop into our head.

I know the intense sorrow of my grief will be with me forever. The tear bursts and moments of deep anguish and pain are always just a thought away. But, I've learned to deal with that. It's the price we pay for a life of of amazing, deep love. Those bursts are just a part of my new existence. If those grief bursts take up, say, an hour of my day, the real dilemma is what about the other 23 hours. Five days a week I work, so I've got that time occupied. I sleep 6-8 hours a day. So basically, I have maybe 10-12 hours a day that I simply have no idea what to do with. You can only clean so much. I've bought some new things for the house and repaired things. But, once the project is done, I shrug my shoulders and say, "now what?". That's the part of this grief journey I haven't figured out yet.

Maybe down the road I'll be ready to do volunteer work or maybe even socialize a bit. I'm just not there at the moment. For now, it's me and my thoughts, trying to hold it together in a world I never dreamed I'd be in. A world without Tammy beside me. A world without love. A world that feels pretty meaningless and without purpose.

I guess you could say I'm still a "work in progress"...

Mitch

[Margm]

It is July 30th, on a Saturday.  We are all small town women.  Some moved to the "big city" but you cannot take the country out of the girl.  The town we are having it is about 500 people, on a good day.  The one we come from is about 5,000 people when the paper mill was running, the one I am moving to is about 10,000.  It has all the amenities, a Brookshires and a big Walmart.  No movie theater.  Have to go about 30  miles for a movie theater.  The one I live in now just hit over 1000 people.  

My granddaughter got off FB because of people wanting to post her picture and she won't get back on.  She tickles me.  She will spend two hours adding makeup to a flawless face, beautiful big brown eyes, beautiful eyebrows and eyelashes, perfect lips and nose.  And, she thinks she is ugly.  My mom was a brunette, but she passed down albino eyelashes and eyebrows to me.  And, a little red paint never hurt any old barn.  My hands just shake too bad to put it on.  Will wear my glasses.  Need to anyhow.  

I am sure I will start crying when I see them all.  I cried at the last pictures.  I left them all a 17-year-old.  Strange, I am the only one who has not changed.  Now I will see the vandalism and weed grown woman I have become.  My magical, mystical, imagination has left the building.  You have a good time WW.  

3 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Now, my life is filled with different struggles. What do I do to fill my day? How do I motivate myself to get those mundane chores done? Why do I bother trying to eat right and exercise? After all, taking care of myself probably means a longer life

Mitch, I keep getting called by the woman that wants to move into this house.  Motivation is hard for me.  I want to leave, have to leave, but making myself move my body is something I know I have to do but it is so hard to do.  I know what I have to do, but just repeating myself, how do I make myself move.  I have no puppet master to pull my strings and I feel like Pinocchio.  Life has to go on.  I have to move this body, I have to make myself fill garbage bags, boxes.  I have so many filled.  It looks like nothing has been done.

[brat#2]

36 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Now, my life is filled with different struggles. What do I do to fill my day? How do I motivate myself to get those mundane chores done? Why do I bother trying to eat right and exercise? After all, taking care of myself probably means a longer life. And that's the real struggle that I think eats at all of us. If we have many years of this life ahead, is this as good as it will get? I know it's best to take one day at a time and live in the moment, but let's face it, when we're alone, and we're thinking, thoughts of our future pop into our head.

I know the intense sorrow of my grief will be with me forever. The tear bursts and moments of deep anguish and pain are always just a thought away. But, I've learned to deal with that. It's the price we pay for a life of of amazing, deep love. Those bursts are just a part of my new existence. If those grief bursts take up, say, an hour of my day, the real dilemma is what about the other 23 hours. Five days a week I work, so I've got that time occupied. I sleep 6-8 hours a day. So basically, I have maybe 10-12 hours a day that I simply have no idea what to do with. You can only clean so much. I've bought some new things for the house and repaired things. But, once the project is done, I shrug my shoulders and say, "now what?". That's the part of this grief journey I haven't figured out yet.

Maybe down the road I'll be ready to do volunteer work or maybe even socialize a bit. I'm just not there at the moment. For now, it's me and my thoughts, trying to hold it together in a world I never dreamed I'd be in. A world without Tammy beside me. A world without love. A world that feels pretty meaningless and without purpose.

 

Mitch

Mitch - your post rang so true to me. It is so truly hard to fill the days and most of the time I don't want to or can't make myself do anything.  Without that love and encouragement from our soul mates I completely get the feeling of there being no purpose.  I hope for all of us, that it will be a little easier as time goes by, I know it will never go away, but hope for a little easier.

Joyce

[TerriL]

SW, I'm not going to my reunion---it's also the same day as yours. I can't take it. What you said about your granddaughter----I was just thinking that the other day, how I'll look back at pictures of myself from when I was younger and thought I looked horrible and what I see now is an attractive young girl. I understand that saying "Youth is wasted on the young.". If only we knew then what we know now, maybe we would have been a lot happier and appreciated ourselves more. About a month and a half after Paul died, on Christmas Eve, I was visited by two friends. I used to go to school with the husband and I became friends with his wife on Facebook when I reconnected with him. They live up in the North region of Florida. The visit was going okay, even though I wasn't really up to having people over, and then came the strange part. The husband is an avid photo buff and I noticed he was surreptitiously aiming a small camera at me. I asked what he was doing and he said that he wanted a photo to "commemorate" the visit. He handed a small camera to his wife and what could I do but stand next to him and allow her to take a picture. I mean, they drove all the way down just to see me and he had been battling melanoma for a few years and had just gone into remission. However, then, (without my permission), his wife posted that picture on my Facebook wall. When I saw that picture, I looked so BAD, so OLD and haggard, I burst into tears. Every ounce of pain and grief that I was going through was etched into my face, in spite of my managing a small grin. The bags under my eyes from constant crying and lack of sleep looked like two Samsonite duffel bags. I made a remark under that picture about not caring at all for it and his wife made a joke about it, like it was funny or something. I haven't been able to speak to them since. He's called, but I never call back. 

Mitch, I'm at the same place. I keep doing things I know need to be done, but I sit and think "Is this it from here on out?". I know there are "steps" I can take to try and get involved in things but I still have no motivation whatsoever. Knowing how much I love animals and wildlife, a few family members have been trying to encourage me to volunteer for the local wildlife rescue hospital. They tell me that helping the animals in need plus meeting and being involved with new people who share my interests would be healthy for me. I'm sure they're right and what they're saying is true, but part of me still feels so lost that I don't know WHAT to do. I guess we're still at the point where time keeps marching on, regardless, and dragging us along with it, whether we're ready or not.

 

[kayc]

56 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 And, a little red paint never hurt any old barn.

Marg, you are too funny!

I am unable to drive at night so not likely to ever attend a nighttime reunion.  Not sure I'd feel comfortable with it anyway.  I have some of them on my FB  and that has been a step for me.  One thing at a time.  Maybe I'll go to our 50th if any of us are still here.  Oh wait, that's not too far off.  Shoot, that blows THAT theory.  Why do we care what people we knew 50 years ago think anyway?

Mitch, I've often wondered the same thing, why do I take good care of myself when I'd like to be with George anyway?  I don't know but we do. I wondered that about my mom too.  I have a sister that doesn't take care of herself, smokes, eats what she wants, never cleans her house, no exercise at all, does bare minimum, just reads all the time.  Maybe she has it right and I have it wrong!

[Widowedbysuicide]

It is good to be able to come here and find my questions asked and answered.  It feels bad knowing that you all have suffered enormously to have the answers to the questions.  Thanks for having the courage and compassion to share your journey.

[Margm]

28 minutes ago, TerriL said:

SW, I'm not going to my reunion-

WW, I don't want to go.  I still am reminded of the song verse "Please Mr. Custer, I don't want to go."  I have two of my friends coming to pick me up, so I have to go.  I  have made excuses too long.  And, I will have to face that camera, but will try to hide behind someone..  Right now I have to get trash bags ready, the woman that wants the house is coming to carry them off for me.  Just like the reunion, people are going to make my tired aching body move when all I want to do is give up.  I don't think we can just give up, can we?  I sure want to.

[TerriL]

I started to laugh when you mentioned that song---I remember it as a kid and I haven't heard it in such a LONG time! The guy's voice always cracked me up. Do you remember Rolf Harris' "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport"? Ah, the golden days of radio. 

I'm also aware that we aren't supposed to give up, but I've felt like doing just that a few times myself. Sometimes, when I'm not feeling well and it's so, so HOT with no sign of rain for the umpteenth day, I could just lay back in the chair in my living room and give up. Quit trying, quit caring. Because I see no change coming up for me. I try to look ahead and peer into my future, but all I ever see is more of the same. Of course, I have four furry babies here that need me and so I do continue to get up in the morning and clean their litter boxes, feed their little faces, show them love and affection for the love they give me in return. That's the only love and affection I get at home anymore, so I have to appreciate it. 

How are the trash bags coming along? Did you manage to get some or all of them done? I have shelves of books to still go through, but I keep putting that off. I did manage to throw some laundry in a short time ago and I may try shaving my legs, although I'm not sure for why. I suppose for myself, since no one else is going to see them. I'll shave them in honor of the Outlander season finale tonight. Haha! Don't know what I'll do when that ends; it's been my escape these last several months and Longmire isn't scheduled to return to Netflix until September. I have Paul's chair ready to set up next to me at the computer when it comes back so he can watch the next season with me, just like he did last year. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm loving the musical memories.  Please keep sharing them.

 

One is the Loneliest Number, I used to think that was about being an 'only' child.  It sure has a different meaning now.

I've been listening to all the 50's, 60's and 70's heartbreaker - tear-jerkers.  If they don't kill me they will make me stronger.  

[Margm]

Yep, I remember "Tie me Kangaroo Down."  In fact, the 70's and Journey are about the only ones I can listen to.  Creedance Clearwater Revival.I have worn out three of them.  Not really wore out.  Neil Diamond is okay.  No theme from the Titanic or The Way We were or The 12th of Never.  Have looked at pictures now, but they haunt me a whole lot.  Billy had a beard from the 1970's.  I have pictures before then and it looks like Scott.  Found some from when he was school age and he was a little plump kid.  He always worried about his weight.  The only fat he had on him was between his ears.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, TerriL said:

Outlander season finale tonight. Haha! Don't know what I'll do when that ends; it's been my escape these last several months and Longmire isn't scheduled to return to Netflix until September. I have Paul's chair ready to set up next to me at the computer when it comes back so he can watch the next season with me, just like he did last year.

I read all 8 Outlander books before Billy got sick.  Honestly, some of the sex scenes went on for 25 pages.  The books were up to 1000 pages long.  I was sorta put off by how much sex went on when she had such a darn good story to tell.  I checked her (author's) historical facts and she was pretty spot on with that.  I did remark in my comments to Amazon that the sex scenes were too many and too long.  Right close to my commentary was another over age 70 woman that thought the sex scenes were wonderful.  Reminded me of that movie where the girl (Meg Ryan) has a make believe orgasm in a restaurant.  The woman sitting across from her said she wanted to order whatever that girl was having.  Well, I want the mind of that over 70 year old woman instead of my own.

I followed the first season but have not watched it since.  

[TerriL]

Oh yes, "When Harry Met Sally"! That line was so perfect! I haven't read any of the Outlander books----my friend keeps insisting I should and she ordered the first one for me, but I've gotten only a quarter of the way through. I've heard how long the books are, maybe that's one reason I hesitate. I'm not sure I have that kind of concentration any longer. And the TV show deviates from the books somewhat and seeing all the complaints from people gives me the impression I'm better off just watching the show alone. That way, I'm never disappointed! Haha! I understand where the readers are coming from though, since I read "Gone With the Wind" before I ever saw the movie and there were a few scenes where I'd pipe up and say "Wait a minute! It didn't happen like that in the book!" And so I learned my first lesson as a teenager in what they call "taking creative liberties".  This second season of Outlander was based on Dragonfly In Amber, the second book. It was very well done and the costumes for the parts set in France were like delicious eye candy. Now, I'll have to wait until next year for season three. 

Marg, when you brought up Creedence Clearwater Revival, it was like a message from Paul coming through you. We both loved CCR and whenever one of their songs would come on, we'd look up from whatever we were doing and say at the same time, "CCR!"  "Widowed"---I'm so sorry, I don't know your first name---mentioned "One Is The Loneliest Number" and that one takes me right back to middle school, along with songs like "Day By Day" from Godspell, "Joy To The World", another one from Three Dog Night and any song by The Partridge Family, which was my big thing back then. My poor mother didn't know what to do once I entered high school. I went from having a crush on David Cassidy to having a crush on Alice Cooper. HAHA! I'd always tease Paul that when I was still in elementary school, he was serving in the Navy in Vietnam.  But, I could still name all the music and artists from his era since my sister was the same age as him and I grew up sitting in her room, listening to al that music. Anyone else remember Chubby Checker and "The Twist", "The Fly" and "The Limbo"? Also, Dee Dee Sharp---I still love that song Gravy, I have it on my iTunes playlist! 

[mittam99]

Alright Terri, enjoy the concert:

 

 

[TerriL]

Mitch!! LOL!!!! That's awesome! Besides the totally amazing music, I think I saw my entire childhood flash before my eyes!  Thank you for that! (I can see now why my mom was apoplectic when I went straight from David Cassidy to Alice Cooper! Talk about culture shock! My poor mom! I'm so glad I apologized to her while she was still alive for anything and everything immature and stupid that I'd ever done to cause her anguish.)

 

Marg, I forgot to respond to your comment about the Outlander books being historically accurate. I read that Diana Gabaldon's research was so intensive and thorough that she is now considered one of the foremost authorities on everything 18th Century Scotland. 

[mittam99]

I used to play drums back in the day and often would bang them to Black Sabbath (or the Stones or CCR) albums (at insane volumes) in my room. I apologized a lot to my parents. And the whole neighborhood really.

[TerriL]

Mitch,

When I was in my twenties, I lived for a while in an apartment and used to play my music constantly (The Cars, Pat Benatar, The Pretenders, etc.). I never realized until that time what a banging broom handle sounds like coming up through the floor of your apartment! Haha! 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

she is now considered one of the foremost authorities on everything 18th Century Scotland. 

WW, I am waiting for the 9th book.  I know what happened at the end of the 8th book and there has to be another one.  I honestly hope I am alive to read it and I hope my grief fog has lifted by then to where I can comprehend more than a paragraph at a time.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

3 hours ago, TerriL said:

 "Widowed"---I'm so sorry, I don't know your first name---mentioned "One Is The Loneliest Number" and that one takes me right back to middle school, along with songs like "Day By Day" from Godspell, "Joy To The World", another one from Three Dog Night and any song by The Partridge Family, which was my big thing back then. My poor mother didn't know what to do once I entered high school. I went from having a crush on David Cassidy to having a crush on Alice Cooper....

Anyone else remember Chubby Checker and "The Twist", "The Fly" and "The Limbo"? Also, Dee Dee Sharp---I still love that song Gravy, I have it on my iTunes playlist! 

Hi Terri, it's Marita.  Love the older tunes.  I remember once having a 'wardrobe malfunction' whilst wearing a dress with a strapless bra.  We were in a contest to do "The Twist"!  Lol, I hadn't thought about that in many years.  "The Limbo" was great fun too. David Cassidy was a fav of mine at one time too.  Ha, ha, "The Cars".  Thanks for giving me the opportunity to smile and reminisce.

Hey Mitch, love the concert.  My husband was always drumming on things with his fingers when listening to CCR.  I eventually bought him a drum and he looked bed that thing!  Great reading your posts.

 

I feel bad that so many here are suffering so badly right now.  I hope you all can feel a little comfort, peace and joy soon.  Marita

[TerriL]

SW, I think while there's a break between seasons of Outlander, I'm going to make another attempt at reading the first book. I'll start from the beginning again. I won't provide spoilers in case someone did get to see the season finale, but let's just say there were a few moments in last night's episode where I cried along with the characters, because the situations or emotions hit too close to my reality. The theme of having to say good bye forever to the one you love most. At one point, a character asks Claire how she did it. How she was able to say goodbye. She replies that she isn't good at good byes but they're still gone, whether you want to say goodbye or not and you have to learn to keep living without them. And then, she said it---and I was like, NO, Claire, don't say THAT---"because that's what they would want". How often have WE been told that very thing after our spouses have passed away? I know one thing Paul wanted., He wanted to LIVE. He wanted for us to still be together, happy and in love. So, yes, I had a few moments of bawling my eyes out and am paying today with a "crying hangover" headache and stopped up sinuses. 

Marita, thank you for repeating your name. I do remember having seen it before, my mind was just totally blank when I replied to you earlier.  Music has helped lift my spirits some days. I'll be paying bills or balancing the checkbook and I'll put Pandora radio on and play my 70s or 80s music. Sometimes, when a really good song comes on, by Fleetwood Mac or The Go-Gos, I can't keep my mind on what I'm supposed to be doing and it takes me on her to get things done. But, at least I'm in a better mood. Shoot! "I Ran" by A Flock of Seagulls came on the other day and I just put my pen down and listened, singing along with the chorus. I didn't even TRY to write the check, I knew it would be futile. lol That song was a huge hit the first year Paul and I became a couple. It takes me right back to that time again.