Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[brat#2]

That is beautiful, Mitch

Joyce

[KATPILOT]

it is beautiful Joyce. I'm feeling this really, really, really big group hug right now. To all of us on this journey"""",,,,,

[mittam99]

I agree on the group hug. If it wasn't for all of you, I'm not sure where I'd be. This place has helped me so much and I try to help others in pain. With my life feeling so empty, the forum also gives me a sense of purpose and accomplishment when I can touch someone's heart or give them hope.

I love this place, although I wish none of us ever had to join.

I'd much rather be watching Wheel of Fortune now with Tammy instead of posting this! If only.

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Cookie said:

I can't seem to consciously "dose" my pain. 

If you manage to go to the doctor or grocery store without breaking down, you are dosing your grief somewhat, at least it's not running rampant all of the time.  When we are at home we feel safer and are more likely to break down as we don't HAVE to hold it together for an employer or someone, while at home.

[mittam99]

That's a great point, Kay. Even though many of us feel like we haven't really "progressed", the little battles we win (like the trip to the grocery store without a breakdown) is progress. I'll never forget coming home from Illinois after Tammy's funeral and having to leave my house to go to the bank to open a new account. I felt so overwhelmed sitting there and seeing that empty chair next to me that Tammy would have occupied. It was like I was having an out of body experience. Every word the bank lady spoke was irritating me. I simply had to get out of there. I think I was having an anxiety attack. When I finally left the bank, I literally ran to my car and sped home to my house. Even going to the grocery store and passing by things that Tammy liked overwhelmed me.

Probably the best thing I did was going back to work a when I did. The first week or so was very hard. The coming home to an empty house was even harder. In time, I've adapted to being with the public and the fact that they just don't understand my grief. I have to put on a happy face at work and I'm able to do that by concentrating on my job and the fact that there's very little free time to just "think". It helps in the sense that I'm not feeling the pain of grief all day.

When I get home though, it's another story. It's home sweet home, or at least it was. At least I don't have to put on a happy show for everyone.  But it's like you said, Kay. We feel a little "safer" at home and those breakdowns occur and those tears flow often.

As always, it boils down to just taking it one day at a time and seeing where it takes us.

[Margm]

Thanks Mitch, loved this. 

[Margm]

4 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I would hate to be one of those people who are brilliant at multi tasking

Right now I just wish I had only one bed, and a good idea of how to get it in one bedroom. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I vote yes on the group hug!

Yesterday was a dreaded 'Tuesday' AND the 5th - 28 long weeks since my Gord left this earth.  The strange thing is that it was the best day my son and I have had in the whole time Gord has been gone.  I am grateful to have been able to not feel like giving up, not wanting to cry all day, not wonder why, and to speak about our good times and not feel bad for feeling good.

I would like to pass my good feeling on to each of us on here by way of my cyber hug.

I love knowing I can come here at any time, and in any frame of mind and just type my heart out.  Thanks everyone.

Big   group   hug!

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Have you ever thought about how many aspects of grief there are?

That's an excellent question.  A lot more than Kubler Ross documented, in my opinion.   Sometimes I think....how high can I count?

[iPraiseHim]

Mitch,

you express yourself much better than I am able .  The last couple of weeks has been very challenging for me.  The heat this week is so exhausting.  Today's high 95 feels like 105-110 because of the high humidity.  Work today was a no show so I have to work all day tomorrow. Thankfully, the work scheduled are in air conditioned homes.  It's difficult to write and share when in this negative place. I do other things as well to isolate. 

I visited my Dad and showed him how to make 1 Quart of tea. and brought a pizza and shared dinner and stories he like to share about the past.  He is much more talkative now.  And I fixed a door entry sensor that  was faulty.  Then I went over to my sisters home to work on their computer a 30 minute job turned into a 3 hour job ( 131 updates were not installed)  I got home late and I need to get some sleep before a long day tomorrow.  I am thankful for work because I am productive but work around the home I still have trouble doing.  I was walking a half hour each day until the weather got too hot or thunderstorms. 

I had not written in the journal to Rose Anne in awhile and  when I started the tears kept flowing.  I think I have accepted the fact that she has died but my heart still longs for her presence.  It still takes my breath away.  I do read and study about grief.  I think I'm progressing some but it is definitely a dance that I haven't figured out the steps. 

So I try to go back to the basics, of good rest, better food choices, keep moving, and take my vitamins, greens, water, and breath properly to help me get through today.  I know there is a purpose for me still being here so I just pray and ask God to show me each day what my purpose is.  I am thankful that Rose Anne and I shared almost 26 years together as best friends, married couple; lived each day to the fullest, and cherished each day.  Yesterday, my sister said that I made her day just by some texts and funny comments I made.  For now, it has to be enough.  I need some sleep.  I probably would have just kept quiet. Thanks Mitch for sharing your heart even when it is not all sunshine and roses.  It helps others in ways you are probably not even aware.  Shalom

[kayc]

George, I find the best time to walk when we're having heat is early in the morning or late at night.  I'm glad our heat wave is over with, although it'll be in the 80s again today and I really prefer 70s.  

Your sister and dad are lucky to have you!  I hate computer problems but since there's just me to take care of it and I can't afford to hire someone, it's me that has to do the computer maintenance.  I'm NOT a tech by any means, I used to have my son to handle that.

I have a file that I write letters to George, but I don't do it as often anymore, mainly I talk to him in my head (or out loud).

Yes, it does help to know there are people that feel as you do.  It hits me how alone I am going into old age, not liking this!  I've found that after a certain point, it really doesn't get much easier, there's just a certain amount we have to live with.  I don't think others realize that, they think because it's been so long I surely must be over it.  Not so!  They'd be shocked to know how much George is on my mind every day and how much I miss him.  I will until the day I die.

[Cookie]

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I guess I compartmentalize things to be able to get thru the day.  I don't have to schedule time for grief as there are certain times of the day that trigger automatically.  Waking up, coming home, eating alone, how I spend my evenings now, etc..  There was a commercial once for depression of a woman walking around all day with this cloud hovering over her.  That is how I feel.  No matter what I do or don't do, it follows me.  Another big change is physically I have changed so much.  I spend the day in constant pain if I do anything but sit.  Other conditions have intensified too.  Like I put everything on hold because I had to be there for Steve 24/7.  So between the mental and physical days are very long.  Sleep is a nice refuge if I get tired enough for it to last more than a few hours.  I wish I could schedule times, it would help immensely.  Maybe I'm too vulnerable to triggers.

Maryann, I don't know what to make of the anniversaries anymore either.  Hit 20 months last week and don't know if I should look at it as a testament I have gotten this far or a reminder of how long I have been alone and the next number just adds to that tally.  I don't feel testament tho.  That is what others see and that creates a conflict because in their minds I have 'cone a long way'.  Well, that's sure the truth!  But I have alone and in pain.  So many are surprised that I feel things deeper than I did before.  I know it is because they cannot even slightly fathom all that time without thier partners.  It's incomprehensible to them.  I can see the scenario sometimes, I tell someone how I am doing and they tell thier partner and talk TOGETHER about how hard it must be.  

Im also really feeling the effects of 'skin hunger'.  I've had no one to hold me in all this time when I cry.  This is really a tough one.  I held Steve often during the battle.  We could cry together.  Near the end I didn't much but held him.  It doesn't ease the reality, but sure makes a difference in that primal connection we néed with people, especially our mates.  Hugs I get all the time.  They are OK,  but deep I the night it's so hard to have only youself to hug and no one to understand.

so thru all my babbling today, what I find is I live, breathe and am grief right now.  I can try and spin in it all I want, but I am walking grief.  I don't know where Gwen ends and it begins anymore.  That is why I feel so set apart among people no matter what I do.  They say dead man walking, I am grief walking.

What you wrote spoke so deeply to me again Gwen.  I have many of the same feelings.  The skin hunger is really intense.  Your right, hugs are nice but not like being held by someone who knows you so well and loves you, especially in the night and mornings.  I can almost taste it I crave it so much.  No one has any advice for how to deal with that.  The keeping busy thing only takes you so far and that seems to be the more prevalent of advice out there.  Anyway, even when I'm busy, I'm hurting; I just have both things going on--the grief and the busyness.  Reading your posts at least makes me feel less alone because sometimes I do feel like an oddball because of how much I'm still hurting.  People really do thing 13 months is quite long enough to be doing better, even other widows.  I also wonder how you get used to the pain like people say you do.  I think it hurts more than ever.  I do have some times that I call neutral where the pain is dulled, but I would give anything to feel just good again.  Anyway, thanks for sharing so genuinely....warmly, Cookie

[Cookie]

19 hours ago, kayc said:

If you manage to go to the doctor or grocery store without breaking down, you are dosing your grief somewhat, at least it's not running rampant all of the time.  When we are at home we feel safer and are more likely to break down as we don't HAVE to hold it together for an employer or someone, while at home.

I think I am almost more controlled at home because home now is a very sad and lonely place for me and the pain almost scares me.  I don't want to go there alone sometimes...

[Froggie4635]

I guess I am lucky for my three fur babes. I never walk into an empty house, and they are so happy to see me (although I know that most of it is because they have to go outside).  Mark used to tell me that he didn't get that kind of greeting when he came home at lunch.  I seriously doubt that, because I know how much they loved him.  I still see it when Pongo turns his head towards the door when he hears a car door slam.  It does not take the place of Mark being there; not by any means.  But they need me when I wake up and they need me when I walk into our home.  I think the only time I really felt the emptiness was the time I was going out of town, and a friend came and took them to his home.  After they pulled out of the driveway, I cried so hard.  Mark and I had a similar conversation after our little Annie died.  We sat in our home, and he said he had no idea how empty a home could be...how much a little dog filled it up.  It was all the LOVE that was present for that little girl that made it feel so full...I am hoping to find that one day; all the LOVE I had for Mark will one day make the house feel full again.

I still do a lot of almost mindless roaming around when I am not at work...so many things I could be doing, but don't feel like it.

[Gwenivere]

Cookie, Patty called going home as 'home hell'.  That is how I feel a lot of the time.  Yes, we are free to act as we feel, but it's darned lonely and cold.  

Maryann, I have the dogs too and they help.  Can't imagine being here by myself.  Have parakeets but they are in thier own world.  One of mine used to listen for Steve to come home.  She doesn't anymore.  The new one never knew him and it makes me sad she never will as he was a great dog dad.  I know they often want food or to go outside, but they do also want to be with me so that is something to grateful for.  Now if they could only hug and hold me like Steve did.......

[TerriL]

I don't mean to barge in on your conversation, but I've been dealing with this same issue. At first, I felt I must be alone in this and didn't know how to bring it up. Every morning when I would wake up and go out to get my coffee, Paul would rub my arms and shoulders for me because those joints were always sore. HIs kisses, his hugs---everything----were unlike any I'd ever experienced and there has never been any other man who I would want to be with other than Paul. We were so compatible in a "meant to be" kind of way. Our intimacy evolved into something so much richer and deeper over our 34 years together. And now----nothing. People might hug me hello or goodbye (and nothing lifts me to Cloud Nine like my 5 year old great nephew's hugs, when he says "I love you, Auntie Terri") but the ONLY man that could give me "those" hugs---the ones where I could just stop, sink into his arms, breathe in his delicious scent and hear his heart beating, until it felt like we were melted into each other---is no longer here. I will never have "those" hugs ever again, I will never again look into his blue-green eyes or feel his lips on my own, no matter how long I live on Earth. The thought of any sort of intimacy with another man, just for the sake of physical closeness, totally repulses me now. I'd rather channel my energies into creative pursuits, as I don't see any other options available to me. I sit alone at home and long for and ache for Paul, but it's a longing that is only going to remain unfulfilled. My reality is that, from now on, I will always carry a torch for the only man I've ever truly loved or wanted to be married to. 

[TerriL]

Gwen, I recently read in an article (I think it was actually one that Marg shared with us all about there being no set stages of grief) that Kubler-Ross later said that she regretted writing those five stages of grief. She had since come to realize how much more complex grief truly was and that it was not a linear experience. That article made me feel much better. 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

My reality is that, from now on, I will always carry a torch for the only man I've ever truly loved or wanted to be married to. 

Well, to tell you the truth, I lived in a bubble.  Billy and I never got old.  Now, I actually look at people I have known all my life and in spite of Billy and me not getting old, all those other people did.  Now I associate myself with that antiquated voc-tech school Billy used to pick me up at lunch, and now it is vandalized with weeds growing up all around it.  I feel the same.  Terrible analogy.  He would bring his nephew with him that was 2-3 years old and he would put his arm over Billy's shoulder to let me know that this 17-year-old girl did not have a chance with his uncle.  (He lived with them).  Terrible, a 17-year-old hating a child, a child hating a 17-year-old.  Now he is 58-years-old and we have been very good friends for years and years.  But, he is getting old.  

Back in Arkansas again.  Told Hettie, my neighbor I was here.  Whole two acres needs mowing.  Gotta get outta here.  You all take care.  

Terri (WW),  I don't know about the stages, but I wonder about them.  I think waves is a better word.  The only one I like is not mentioned, I don't think, and that is blessed numbness.  It happens sometimes.  Not often enough.  

(Just got here so I am writing off the cuff, have not read anything yet).

[TerriL]

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said, Marg (SW)! I have those numb days, where I walk around in a daze, pretty much feeling nothing. Do you think that's our minds or bodies protecting us from pain overload? 

It also fascinates me how Paul and I stayed young while everyone else was aging (this is why Paul's death was even more shocking to me---it was something that happened to other people we knew, not US). I'll turn your nephew's age this October and I used to act like a goofy kid when my birthday would be getting closer. Now, like we said before, we can skip October. Just for the record, a 17 year old IS still a child. I never thought so when I was that age, but now? I realize what a baby I still was, even at 23, when I first began dating Paul!

Wow, two acres that need to be mowed. I thought I had it bad with this small yard of mine. I had s tree service come here last Saturday and cut back branches on a few of my trees just in case we should have a bad storm this year. I don't need the brand new roof we put on the house a year ago to get destroyed by some errant branches. I also had the banana tree plants Paul planted for me years ago torn down completely. They even dug up and removed all the stumps to keep it from regenerating. It was just getting way too out of control for me to handle on my own. It was taking over the space by my bedroom window and creating a haven for tons of black ants. So, now I feel rather like my backyard is looking at present. Ripped up, forlorn and shabby. Paul used to make our yard a show place. 

Yeah, maybe numbness isn't so bad sometimes. Be careful and be safe, SW. Don't over extend your super powers. XO

[kayc]

I pretty much live without touch now, which is so different from how it used to be when George was here.  We were always holding hands, cuddling, spooning at night, constant touch.  Then to go to...nothing.  I realized how much I'd grown accustomed to this the last time I saw my kids and forgot to get a hug from them.  I'm not used to that anymore.  I do have touch with Arlie and Kitty, but it's not the same as someone holding you.  Still, my heart melts when Arlie looks at me deliberately and gives me a kiss.  That means so much to me because he chose to do it, he wasn't asked to or bribed with treats.

 

[Gin]

Kay,

i so very much miss the closeness Al and I had, also.  He always told people we were still newly weds.  We always held hands and did a lot of touching.  When he went completely blind, he needed to hang on to me.  The last few months he fell a lot, so I tried to be so careful.  I sure miss the touching and nothing can fill that need.  Though it will not replace what I have lost, maybe I should get another dog.  It sounds like you really love yours.

Gin

[Gwenivere]

Terri, Ross did express regret about how her stages were misinterpreted.  She wrote them for the dying, not the people left behind.  She was pretty right on for the one dying as I saw it happen with Steve.  He actually reached acceptance.  But we have so much to deal with beyond losing our bodies.  We have the fallout of all it entails to be torn from the life we knew and now become different people.  I was reading a grief book and one line jumped off the page and I knew it was a truth I will have to come to accept.  I will never be the same again.  I'm forever changed.  People will see that as they wait for me to return, but that Gwen never will.  I already see ways I have changed in viewing the world, my humor, what matters and what doesn't.  I don't know who I will become, but when he left, so much of me did too.  How could it not?  As you said, the connection, both physical and mental, was a place we found that ultimate fit with one other human on this earth.  Like you, the thought of another man turns me totally off.  He would never know me because I gave my heart away.  He wouldn't smell right, or joke right, or do anything that made my world.....my world...our world.  I envision being told from now til the end there is hope for that.  Here's the hitch....I don't want it.  I already did.  And I don't settle.  Never have, never will.  This is from being forever changed.  I've been approached and it's like Steve appears and I see....nope, no way.  You will never do.  It's not even conscious.  

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I will never be the same again.  I'm forever changed.

You're right about that one!  None of us are the same as we were before.  This was life-altering stuff!

Gin,

I do love my dog, more than anything.  I have no idea how I'll handle it when he goes, I'm extremely close to him, he's as close to a soul mate in a dog as you can get, his personality is perfect for me.  I hope you find just the right dog for you.  I couldn't handle it without him, he's my joy now.  So  is even my cranky cat, but cats are not like dogs, not at all.  I love Arlie's smile and just his spirit

[TerriL]

Gwen,

I feel the same way. When you've had the love of your life, who else could possibly measure up? I don't want a new life with a stranger, I only want my OLD life with Paul back again. That probably wouldn't be fair either to inflict comparisons and judgments on some innocent well-meaning man. I know if i WAS in the market for dating or whatever, I wouldn't like having to live up to the memory of someone else's former girlfriend or wife. I'd tell them "sorry, I can only be ME". So, this is why it's best that I simply not "go there" in the first place.

I'm also not the same person that I was before Paul passed away. It's one of the biggest reasons I've stayed off Facebook. I got tired of seeing comments from---again---"well-meaning" friends that it was "good to see that you're all better now" or that "at least you haven't lost your sense of humor". Quite frankly, those comments made me very angry and that's when I stopped visiting FB altogether. They're expecting the same Terri who was quick with a comeback or humorous remark, very high energy, always upbeat, etc. and while some vestiges of her remain, much of her was ripped away with Paul's sudden death. I didn't see the stages of grief in him, other than he panicked the morning we went down to Miami for them to run more tests. He burst into tears and yelled out that he didn't want to be blind. By that evening, he would have had a second stroke and then the seizure that rendered him unconscious. He was declared brain dead a couple of days later and taken off the life support. I'm glad he didn't suffer any more than he did, but it's also hard to process everything when everything is happening so fast and beyond your control. For several months, I was overwhelmed by the circumstances and also by the intense rage that felt like it was consuming me. I still get angry from time to time, but I do thank the Universe that it isn't that same intense anger, where i could have easily punched holes in concrete with my fists. Believe it or not, finding this forum helped me work through and release that anger. I needed people just like myself, going through the same things. 

So, all of us are meeting each other as "changed people". I can tell you that no matter what else has changed, you're still good, likable people and I hope I can be the same in my new persona, as well.

 

[Margm]

6 minutes ago, TerriL said:

I needed people just like myself, going through the same things. 

WW, I agree 100%.