Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[Margm]

WW, when I read the books, Billy was still with me and had not even been diagnosed.  Rode the elliptical 30 minutes right before we went for his MRI for his back.  We did not stay at the neurosurgeon's long.  He told us about the aneurysm but did not tell us anything else.  We saw the neurosurgeons on the 31st of August and they told us nothing.  Then all hell broke loose after eating at the Outback Steak House so we were back over at the hospital and found out everything.  No need going into it.  Just needless to say, glad I finished the books before we knew anything.

We have had Jehovah's Witnesses come to the house ever since we have been in Arkansas.  I cannot criticize their religion, not someone who believes enough to come knock on a stranger's door uninvited.  This morning I had two women, two children.  Both women widows.  One married 66 years, the other married 16 years, mother and daughter and grandchildren.  She read me a passage from Revelations, and I heard not a word.  From childhood when they would teach Revelations in church I steered clear of it like I do the TV series "The Walking Dead."  Both women were in good spirits, I did not question their grief.  I thanked them for coming.  My son's "intended" is a JW and wants to find a church where they are staying now.  

How can I possibly question anyone's faith or religion?  .  

[TerriL]

SW,

The neighbor woman who lives down the street, the one whose husband cut my lawn for me, is a JW. I don't question anyone's faith, I feel everyone is entitled to find whatever path suits them. I was not brought up going to church. My dad was raised Catholic (but later on became an Agnostic), my mom Episcopalian (but not a religious person) and my sister and I were supposed to be raised Catholic, but she's the only one who made all the "Sacraments". They got the water on me as a baby and I attended Sunday school until my sister had made her Confirmation (I was about 3) and then, it all just ceased. I was the one left dangling to read about all religions and discover my own spiritual path, for which I'm actually grateful. I have to say that I admire, maybe even envy a little, those people who find strength and comfort from their faith during times of anguish and grief. I always thought Kathie Lee Gifford had a tendency to go a bit overboard at times with her faith, but I have to say, she seems to be dealing quite well with the sudden passing of her husband. Like we always say, no one nows what goes on behind closed doors, but there are times I wish I DID have that completely faith that Paul is okay now and that I'll be with him again. I do draw solace from Nature, but admit that I'm still scared and still confused. I have this feeling where I know I don't want anyone else but my Paul, but at the same time, the thought has crossed my mind that I will always live alone in this house, I'll never be loved again---who could love me the way Paul did? Does that make me sound like a bad person, to be conflicted like that? 

I feel terrible about the way Billy's passing happened to both of you. I also feel terrible about what happened to Paul and me and everyone else on here. 

[Margm]

Well, I was brought up Baptist, parents took me and dropped me off at First Baptist.  My folks were natives of the area.  My Sunday school teacher came out and informed my dad he did not need to "bring" me, he needed to be there himself.  He knew the woman and he was very angry..  He was so angry he started coming with me, he and Mama both and eventually they made him a deacon.  They were tithing Missionary Baptists, (I did not know there were different Baptists), we were there every time the doors were open, even cleaned it and ran off the bulletin, cooked Brotherhood meals, Girls Auxiliary was Monday and of course Wednesday night.  So, church was an everyday thing with me.  I should have brought my kids up in the church and it was hit and miss.  After some church problems when my daughter was in her teens, we just quit going.  But, faith was already ingrained in me, so I know what I am lacking right now.  Not saying I am right, just saying "as the twig is bent" and I was bent.   I also know what I have to do.  And I cannot say what is right or wrong for anyone else, but just know what is right for me.  Don't think I can find comfort without my faith.  Again, that is not for everyone.  This is just me.  

I also feel for everyone on here.  That is one thing we all have in common and that is why we are all here.  Hugs to you WW, your part of the best.  

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

 I do draw solace from Nature, but admit that I'm still scared and still confused. I have this feeling where I know I don't want anyone else but my Paul, but at the same time, the thought has crossed my mind that I will always live alone in this house, I'll never be loved again---who could love me the way Paul did? Does that make me sound like a bad person, to be conflicted like that?

Don't let yourself feel terrible for being yourself, because that is all you are doing....being Terri.  We are who we are and make changes because if what life throws down in front of us.  I'll live alone too, no one will ever love as he did.  I find grief and mourning not BUT conflict.  People are waiting for me to go back to being the person I was and that will never happen.  We are always changing even in good times.  These are not good times and we face a showdown with mortality they don't know or understand.  So we will live on, but possibly disappoint many people because we won't be the person we were with our partners.  They may be disappointed but there is no explaining having your life ripped to shreds and having to construct meaning again from pieces and missing parts.  If anything, this is a time that while we try and discover our new selves we will also find who is accepting of that and sticks with us.  

Scared and confused?  That is the definition of my days right now.  You are truly not alone.

[brat#2]

21 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Don't let yourself feel terrible for being yourself, because that is all you are doing....being Terri.  We are who we are and make changes because if what life throws down in front of us.  I'll live alone too, no one will ever love as he did.  I find grief and mourning not BUT conflict.  People are waiting for me to go back to being the person I was and that will never happen.  We are always changing even in good times.  These are not good times and we face a showdown with mortality they don't know or understand.  So we will live on, but possibly disappoint many people because we won't be the person we were with our partners.  They may be disappointed but there is no explaining having your life ripped to shreds and having to construct meaning again from pieces and missing parts.  If anything, this is a time that while we try and discover our new selves we will also find who is accepting of that and sticks with us.

Scared and confused?  That is the definition of my days right now.  You are truly not alone.

So true, Gwen.

[TerriL]

SW, maybe once you're settled in to your new life in Louisiana, you'll find a church that you feel comfortable with. I'd so love to see you find a way to use your faith to help you get through this. Maybe a church with a grief counseling group. You've been dealing with so much in addition to Billy, you deserve some comfort. Me? I usually go hug a tree or sit and feed the iguana who's taken up residence in my back yard. For now, that's my church.  

Gwen, thank you for that. I think sometimes I'm just overcome by the realization that my days now all seem to be the same. One is just like the other and the other, etc., and I suddenly freak out. Not knowing who I am anymore or even worse, who I'm going to become, is also what scares me. When I was in my twenties, I had that more adventurous attitude that young people do. But, when I connected with Paul, that attitude mellowed because I'd found the ONE and I'm afraid the 57 year old I am now would only feel as if she was cheating on the love of her life if she tried to force herself to "date" or socialize. It will be 9 months this coming week since Paul passed and other than going to a few places to get legal issues taken care of, the only place I've been socially was my niece's baby shower. 

 

[TerriL]

This morning, I was just checking my emails, reading some, deleting some and I opened one from a store my husband and I always shopped at. It was a sale announcement and there in the middle, was a picture of Paul's favorite cargo shorts that i always ordered for him online. He was very picky about the shorts he wore---they had to be the perfect inseam, the right color, etc. and now, they're on sale. On a regular day, I'd tell him about this and he'd say "Maybe you should order several pairs for me while they're so cheap. That way, I'll always have them." He was wearing a pair of those shorts the day we went down to Miami and he had the second, more severe stroke. They were the shorts bundled up in a bag along with his other items that the hospital personnel handed to me once he was admitted into the emergency room. I brought them home, washed them, folded them and carefully placed them on his dresser, so they'd be there for him to put away. They're still there, waiting for him. It's funny how something that's otherwise innocuous---a simple store email---can make such a huge impact. I woke up this morning feeling pretty decent and then I decided to take care of what I figured would be a simple task---clearing my emails. It was, until I saw that picture and felt like I'd been smacked between the eyes. I literally let out a gasp. You---once again---realize that he's not here to shop for any longer. I know all of his personal preferences like no one else, but, after 34 years, it doesn't matter.

[MartyT]

♥

[Froggie4635]

Dear Terri,

I remember getting one of those bags.  The only thing Mark was wearing when the ambulance took him was his pajama bottoms.  They are still in the hospital bag.  I put the bag inside the bedside table.  I am still getting junk mail with his name on it; I continue to put it in a drawer...just can't toss it into recycle.  I closed his Yahoo account a little while back...he used to get tons of spam and I got tired of going through them.  His Facebook account is still open, but it has been a while that I went and read anything on it. I guess I am lucky that we kept so many things separated.  Triggers are truly everywhere.  Hugs to you...

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

I know all of his personal preferences like no one else

I used to order Billy's books from Amazon.  Before the Kindle, then the first Kindle that you had to have a light, then his final Kindle.  He let me pick out his books because I knew the kind he liked.  I would print out a synopsis of each book.  I have found all of these he kept in a folder and that is so sad.  His favorite author, he was in the middle of his last book at that time.  I had read some of these books, so I started this book and somehow finished it for him.  If he was me and I was him, then he enjoyed it.  I now do not know how I read this book.  I cannot concentrate long enough to read a paragraph, but this big book I read it from start to finish with no problems.  Maybe that was because the him, that is me, we were reading it together.  I like to think little things like that. 

By the way WW.  I sleep with two pair of Billy's pants under my pillows.  I sleep with about four pillows, soft, hiding in a bunch of pillows.  Just used two when Billy was there.  Sometimes there might be six pillows.  They fill up the bed.  

[TerriL]

Thank you, Marty, Maryann and SW. We all experience the same thing, but you know how it is. When it's happening in that moment, we're alone. I'm suddenly overcome by the emotions and that's when I have to come on here and reach out to my friends in the "Club No One Wants To Join". It allows me a safe place to share it, commiserate and hopefully, sort it out in my head.

Marg (SW), I absolutely believe you and Billy were reading that book together. The fact that you've had so much trouble reading other books makes me think that Billy had been looking forward to reading that book and could only do it with your help. You've said that you've had no signs from him, but I believe that Billy has been there many times for you and you just didn't realize it. Lord knows, with the amount of things you've been dealing with in your life, it would be very easy to overlook certain signs or messages or to pass them off as simply "coincidences", when, in fact, they aren't. I won't sleep in our bed. I sleep in a recliner in the living room. That way, I don't wake up to an empty bed. The bonus is that I've discovered it helps with my neck and sinus issues to sleep in a reclined position. They aren't 100%, but the pain and stiffness in my neck isn't as severe as it used to be. 

Maryann, with Paul, I did't have to worry about any of those online types of things, other than his email, which I've kept open. I use his address for anything legal or pertaining to his former place of employment, our city's fire department. He didn't care for things like Facebook or Twitter and at the time he passed away, neither one of us had smart phones. lol I only purchased my first smart phone a few months ago. I still use my 17 year old flip phone though for my morning alarm!  In our refrigerator, I still have what's left of the iced tea I made for him at the beginning of last October, so I'm sure I should consider getting rid of that. Like you say, as you try to toss things, it triggers so many emotions and the pain that goes along with. I got more squeamish about going through and throwing out his things when I managed to let go of a few items and had to stare at the empty spaces where they once sat. It was this constant visual reminder of his absence and my loss. But. I felt I had to rid the kitchen of the food items I knew would only grow mold or spoil to the point of possibly making a jar break open or explode. I have to use some common sense, for my own benefit. Hugs back to you, too. 

Does anyone, anywhere know how to operate a time machine that goes backward? A circle of huge stones with electrical currents maybe? Anyone? 

[Margm]

49 minutes ago, TerriL said:

operate a time machine that goes backward

WW, you have been watching Outlander.  Wish we could have a time machine.

[TerriL]

33 minutes ago, Marg M said:

WW, you have been watching Outlander.  Wish we could have a time machine.

Busted by SW!  I'd say I've been clinging to it for dear life, lately. Over the weekend, I watched that season finale six times (I have a satellite dish, so I get both the East and West coast feeds of Starz). I'll probably watch it again some time before the week is over. Having to say goodbye to the love of your life and go on living without them. Having never read the books, I had no idea just how close to home that would hit. It brought me some comfort amid my tears.

[Gwenivere]

The mail is tough for me too.  Anything I get of importance is addressed to me solely now.  Catalogs and junk mail still come to him.  I immediately put them in the recycle.  Just seeing them is enough reminder he is gone.  It does cause me to twinge tho.  It's like phone calls for him from places he was involved in too.  Those take me by surprise.  I only get angry when they hang up as opposed to some that have the humanity to apologize and voluntarily take him off thier list.  I had his phone cancelled, but his Facebook is still there.  I was going to close it, but it was too complicated.  I could unfriend him, but that doesn't seem right.  I was told by someone he got posts for his birthday last year.  Kinda pissed me off because the social media thing (I feel) is often to show off about yourself.  Like see?  I remembered Steves birthday!  A message to me would have been nicer.  Anyway, the voids are too many to count.  What doesn't feel right is his name not being on the important mail.  That's why I left his name on our banking accounts.  I can't have him erased totally.  I like seeing his name on our checks.  I only kept a few items of his clothing that were my favorite to see him in back in his healthy days.  I don't think I will ever get used to his nightstand being so bare, but I couldn't take the medical stuff it had come to be used for.  

Any way we do whatever we do, it is emotionally messy.  Not a thing about it is easy.  And how could it be?

[kayc]

Oh Terri,

I got one of those bags too.  And dealing with the emails, it's hard.  George and I shared our email account.  I finally started one of my own but kept the original account.  One day I went back into it and all of our email was gone!  It hit me like a punch in the gut.  I wasn't expecting that to happen.   It's like we're damned if we do, damned if we don't.

[TerriL]

Gwen and Kay,

I know what you mean! It's funny how you were mentioning the important mail. Just a short time ago, our mail came and this is the first time our car insurance policy arrived in my name alone. I had called them to get it done that way but still, when you see it for the first time, it's hard. They also sent me a couple of booklets on the grieving process and questions I might have about my loss and my insurance. Yes, my first question is: why do you punish people for driving only one car? I asked them on the phone what would happen to my insurance if I sell the truck and car that belonged to Paul and they told me I would lose my "multi-car" discount and my insurance for my little 15 year old PT Cruiser could go up by as much as 30% to 50%. And these are the AARP people! But, not to worry because I got a whole ten dollars off for now being the sole driver of the vehicles. Wow, I can finally get that dream house I've wanted. lol

Kay, discovering that all the email had disappeared must have just floored you. I don't know what I would have done. There was no way to retrieve it at all? And Gwen, you pointed out such a major truth about Facebook--the "look at me, look at me" attitudes--and I find I'm really not missing it. I have logged on anonymously to see things my niece has posted, although she's been kind enough to separately text pictures to me on my phone due to my not being on there now. She'll post a picture of her little son or her new baby girl on FB and then shoot a text to me so I won't miss them. She's been really thoughtful about it, since I know she has to do things twice just to accommodate me. But, there have been others who will constantly write things on my wall and once in a while the remarks can be somewhat odd . Or curiously strange. Maybe that's a better way of putting it. From what you've told me though, I am relieved that Paul never wanted a Facebook page. He never wanted all his information out there. He said it's nobody's business! HAHA! OMG, I miss him so much! I don't know what i would do if I didn't have all of you to talk with. You might be the only thing keeping me from ending up sitting in the corner of the room, trying to play Beethoven's Fifth on my bottom lip with my finger!  

[kayc]

No, it was an on line account, not on my computer.  I also had his messages disappear from my cell phone after he died, I didn't expect that.  And his message on my landline disappeared.  I thought you had to delete them but no they write over it.  I cried my heart out.  But I still hear his voice in my mind.  Some people say they've forgotten their spouses voice, I never will, I'll always remember his scent too. 

[Gwenivere]

Steve only had a Facebook page to promote his band and another source for people who use that to find the dates.  That is why I was so angered people posted birthday greetings there.  He couldn't read them!  Had they sent them to me, I would have  appreciated them as some didn't have my email address.  Facebook would have notified me.   Steves joke was to give me a page because he knew how much I hate social media like that.  I guess that is why I haven't cancelled mine.  He really liked how it riled me he did that.  Another one of those things that seemed so worth getting mad at the time, and now I can't give away something he did for his amusement.  Ripple effect, ripple effect, ripple effect.  Just keeps lapping at our toes when least expected.

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I am so sorry you lost his voice recordings.  An advantage I have with Steve's music and stored recordings.  

I know I will never forget his scent.  Every person in the word is unique.  I can't imagine forgetting his voice either, even if I didn't have them as I do.  The man talked constantly for our 37 years.  It's etched into mind forever.

[Margm]

WW, I never thought of it that way.  That was the first and last book I have been able to read and understand since he left.  This might have been one of my miracles I wished for.  I never even thought of it.  When I get settled, he and I, we are going to read the new book that has come out since he left.  Hugs to you all.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 The man talked constantly for our 37 years.

That brought a smile to me.   No, I will never forget his scent, his voice, his beautiful eyes, how I felt when he held me, or anything about him.  Or how excited he got to eat! 

Social Media wasn't around yet when George was alive, he probably would have gotten into it big time.  He enjoyed being on the computer when he was waiting for me to get dinner ready, that or he'd play with his cat, Tigger.  The world has already changed so much since he died, the effects of social media, everything is instantly known, yet people seem to have disconnected in the process, not looking up from their cellphones when they are with you.  It's almost like social media had the opposite effect of what it intended.

A lot of people keep their loved one's FB account as sort of a memorial place to go to, some have FB memorialize it.  I'm not sure how I'd feel about that since that wasn't an option back then.  But I, like Gwen, would rather have people come to me, after all if you're the widow, isn't that what they should do?  You're the person most connected to them, most missing them.  I know it so helped my mom when I would talk to her about daddy.  She said so many people didn't bring up his name anymore, why not?  It's not like they'd stir anything up for her, he was always on her mind, just like George is always on my mind.

[brat#2]

Dale wasn't into any of the new technology, FB, emails, he didn't even have a cell phone!  He couldn't stand all that stuff, he was a person to person type of guy and that's was the way it was and the way it was always going to be with him, so I didn't have to worry about any of the kind of stuff.  It was hard enough taking him off everything else, that I couldn't imagine having to close out computer accounts.

Kay, I have noticed that people don't bring up his name either anymore.  It's like you said, it won't make my life any harder, he's always on my mind.  It might actually help, knowing that someone else is thinking of him, but I guess they are too afraid and like we all say, "they don't understand since they haven't had to go through this".

Joyce

 

[TerriL]

Kay and Joyce,

It hasn't even been that long since Paul died, but I notice more and more that I have to be the one to say his name aloud in a conversation or he won't be mentioned at all. I continue to tell my great nephew how proud his Uncle Paul is of him, even up in Heaven (that's the concept of death that my nephew understands). I don't want him to forget Paul or the kind things that Paul would do for him. Talking about him seems perfectly natural to me, since my husband is still every bit as much a part of my life as he was when he was here. 

Your talking about the whole social networking thing reminded me of how I had to work hard to convince Paul that shopping online was OKAY. He was much like your Dale, Joyce! He was an in person kind of guy and even preferred brick and mortar stores. Until there were a few times that he could not find what he was looking for. I quietly said t him, "NOW will you try shopping online? You can find almost anything you're looking for and sometimes, it's cheaper and you get free shipping." So, with my help, he started getting into that, a little at a time. Honestly, he'd fight all technology! I'd just roll my eyes.  I'm the reason we finally got a computer, I'm the reason we finally got a satellite dish, I'm the reason we finally got cell phones---I had to drag him, kicking and screaming, into the 21st Century! I loved him for who he was though (I did make jokes about him pulling out his pocket abacus--I admit it! lol). I was only trying to make things easier on him. A few months ago, for the very first time ever, I did something that Paul HATED. I mean, he would gripe and moan every time these commercials would come on----I deposited a check in our bank account with my smart phone. I apologized over and over to Paul as I hit "send". The check was about to expire and it was just easier for me to do it that way! It's something that younger people do all the time, without even thinking twice. But, I felt so guilty for a time after that transaction. It worked though and I was a bit proud of myself. A definite mix of pride and guilt!  

My grocery shopper person brought my grocery order this morning and she was asking how I was doing. She told me about how her mother's long time boyfriend had passed away and she fell into a deep depression. She said she told her mother she had to "snap out of it" and move on. I didn't say a word. I just nodded silently. Some people just don't understand that it isn't as easy as snapping out of it. 

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

She said she told her mother she had to "snap out of it" and move on. I didn't say a word. I just nodded silently. Some people just don't understand that it isn't as easy as snapping out of it. 

Snap out of it? Oh yeah, why haven't I thought of that? It's so easy... great idea!

Oh drat. I just tried it and I still feel bad. Back to the drawing board.

 

[brat#2]

Terri - it sounds like Dale and Paul would have gotten along perfectly.  However, I never was able to talk him into the 21st Century...lol

Joyce