Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[mittam99]

My heart goes out to all who have posted. Everything we deal with now, alone, has a different feel to it, doesn't it? Whether it's something out of the routine like health issues or just the mundane like grocery shopping, there's no one at home to reassure us "it will be OK".

Even worse than dealing with things in the moment is thinking too far ahead, I try not to do that very often, but when I do, I fall to my knees in agony!

10 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

I even though my son and his family live with me.., still struggle deeply with loneliness.  I may not be alone but I'm lonely.  My Mary was always by my side.  We did everything together.

Butch, I know what you mean. Sure it helps to be surrounded by loving and caring family. Yet at the same time, no matter how much they help, the sense of emptiness and loneliness of losing your Mary still overwhelms. They can't give you the same type of love your wife did. In my world, Tammy was absolutely all I had. The love we felt was intense. We were inseparable. Living alone is so terribly hard. I find myself just doing everyday things around the house (cleaning, watching TV, etc.) and out of the blue (or sometimes triggered by something) I'll start sobbing and crying out Tammy's name and telling her how much I miss her. 

These days, after my grief burst, I'm able to function in a short while (after my breathing and heart rate slow back down). A year ago, my day would have been "ruined" and I would have been a emotional wreck for quite some time. Our grief journey is both a painful endurance test and a challenging learning experience.  It's the hardest thing any of us will ever do.

[KATPILOT]

Marita sometimes the friends you make after your loss are the one's who stick around. perhaps it's because they didn't know you before and don't relate to your loss but I think more importantly, they like who you are right now. Before you go saying how could any one like who I am in my sorrow and anguish, let me say that those who see beyond that, they are the good guys. You will find them as time goes by as you slowly allow yourself to live once again. If someone told me what I just said back when grief was new, I'd think them nuts but it's still the truth.

You know Brad, I can so relate to that optimism you spoke about. We were sure we would win too, all the way till the end. I remember being at the Mayo when Kathy was getting the chemo and radiation and when we would see all those other people we could feel their despair and worry while we just assumed that was not our fate. Being back in that place like you were last weekend gives you a different feeling now huh? When I would go back to the Mayo (clinic) to make payments on my bill, walking in there had a whole new, terrifying feeling. I realized how Kathy and I were just the same as the others who lost. We left after the last treatment with a full body scan and no spreading whatsoever. We never went back there feeling worried. She would end up at the Mayo hospital three weeks later to die next door at the Sherman house.  So the memories changed and were so thick I could hardly breathe. I can't imagine how hard that must have been when you yourself have health issues.

We all have so much anguish and pain. Comes with the territory I suppose but at least we have each other. We are all under this really big comforter. It's soft and it's warm.

[mittam99]

I'm off of work today and I was reflecting on how empty my life is. I'm generally a glass half full person and I try to look at the positives. I guess the positives are that I have a job. I can still walk and talk. Beyond that, there's not a whole lot happening in my life.

My grief has become my way of life. At any moment, the unbearable sadness creeps in. The thoughts of how Tammy should still be here and how awful it feels to be in this life without her.

And I'm wondering if I'm doing things the "right way". I realize there's no roadmap or instruction manual in grief but am I grieving in a way that will truly move me forward? Specifically, is the way I "compartmentalize" my grief thoughts holding me back in some way?

Let me explain what I mean. In my world, Tammy was all I had. She really was everything to me and made my life worth living. Now that she's gone, if I thought about her loss 24/7, I'd cry 24/7. Every time I think about her and her death, I fall to my knees in anguish. So, I "limit" those thoughts to an extent so I can function and not just lay in bed staring at the walls all day. From a "practical" point of view it makes sense. I need to work and eat and do stuff around the house.

But am I somehow affecting my grief journey by restricting those sad thoughts that bring me to my knees? Don't get me wrong, just about every other thought I have daily is about Tammy. But, I know if I dwell on the thoughts that bring tears, I simply can't function the way I need to. There's probably no answer to my question but I just needed to write this down for my own sanity.

[kayc]

Mitch,

I've heard it advised that we devote a certain amount of time (say 1/2 hour) a day to grieving, thinking about, crying, whatever that looks like for you.  Just so we get it out, so we don't hold it in.  We aren't in a race to get this over with, most of us realize we'll be missing them the rest of our lives.  I think it's WISE to compartmentalize, as you put it, rather than being glum and dreary 24/7, that doesn't seem healthy for our own mental well being.  

I hope Marty will chime in here...

[brat#2]

Mitch, I understand what you are saying.  I do the same thing, I have to make sure I set "rules" for myself so that I can get things done and not just sit and cry and stare all day.  I don't know if it helps to do that or not, but I guess if we have to keep living and be somewhat productive, that's the best way I can think of doing this grief journey.  Yes, I think of Dale almost every moment of every day, but I wouldn't be able to function if I let those thoughts go to that sad place all the time.  I think, hopefully, we are doing the best we can.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[kayc]

I'm not one to be able to "schedule" my grief like I've heard others talk about, but as long as we're letting ourselves cry (it doesn't have to be every day, but when we feel the need to) and we don't squelch our grief bursts, I think we're getting our grief in.  We don't have to have continual meltdowns.

But part of this is not only experiencing the feelings, but what we do to learn and grow through our grief journey.  Are we reading books, watching videos, open to suggestions and advice**, seeing a grief counselor, allowing ourselves to make little changes as they come our way.

In the beginning the only being productive I could do was to go to work and clean my house, eat, etc.  Sticking to the basics was overwhelming enough!  Talking it out was helpful too, if you can find anyone to talk to.

 

**By someone qualified through experience and/or education/training

[Froggie4635]

I guess I could say that I also compartmentalize things.  But like Kay said, right now the only productive things I do is go to work, take care of the dogs, clean around the house, and do those things necessary (grocery shop, cook, do laundry).  Summer has descended, and I am having an awful time dealing with the heat.  It is not even cool at 6 am now, so I do little venturing out beyond what is needed.  I was off for 5 days, and for a good part of it, I sat on the couch and watched television.  I still seem to wander through the house seeing so many things I COULD take on, but just do not feel the urge/motivation.  Having three dogs makes house cleaning an uphill battle, and in the heat it makes it harder physically.  Sometimes I really feel like crying, but it is like there are no more tears to shed.  I stayed to myself on July 4th and could not figure out why I was so cranky...I blamed the heat, and when I realized it on Tuesday when I went back to work, the 4th was 19 months Mark had died.  I do try to keep sorting and organizing.  But I have really learned to keep my grief to myself...to the point where if I begin to discuss "how I am" and think about it, the emotions rise to the surface.  Just typing this and thinking about how it hurts makes the grief come on stronger.  As long as I do not encounter any additional stress, I can maintain...but as soon as something makes me feel stressed or pressured, I can feel my facade begin to crack.  I imagine only time will lessen  all this.

[kayc]

Maryann,

I can relate to the lack of motivation, it IS harder to do things without that other person to help you.  I felt like when I had George we could accomplish anything together, but alone, it's a whole different ballgame.

Add heat to the mix, I'm not much good for anything!

[mittam99]

I just looked at the calendar and realized the it's been 16 months today since my sweet Tammy lost her battle with that vile disease, Lupus.

Still trying to find some meaning in my life. Still wishing I'm actually in some alternate dimension and will be back to my reality and life with Tammy. Still wanting to hold Tammy again. To see her smile. Hear her laugh. Hear her say "Mitchie Pooh". Why do the good die young and bad people live to be 100? Trying to make sense of it all.

Not a good day. Then again, few if any, are.

[Froggie4635]

Mark never seemed to be someone who sat idle for too long (unless he had just come home from working in the heat all day), so when he got up and did stuff, so did I.  I felt so much younger when he was around...we DID stuff and laughed and talked.  Now it just feels like "why bother".  

[brat#2]

Mitch - I know today is hard, don't really have much more to say other than I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.

Joyce

 

[Froggie4635]

Those monthly "anniversaries" seem to sneak up.  Sometimes it is good that they happen and we  kind of "forget" for a day or so.  But it is then that we can look at perhaps why we were feeling a certain way, or in a certain mood.  Sometimes the idea of moving further away in time from "that" moment is unsettling.  I remember after we were married, and the "months" would come and we would acknowledge it, still feeling like it was so fresh and new.  Is grieving the same way?  At 19 months, I still considered us newlyweds.  How does that correlate in grief time?

[Finch]

Thoughts are with you Mitch, on this difficult day.

[MartyT]

 

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

But am I somehow affecting my grief journey by restricting those sad thoughts that bring me to my knees? Don't get me wrong, just about every other thought I have daily is about Tammy. But, I know if I dwell on the thoughts that bring tears, I simply can't function the way I need to. There's probably no answer to my question but I just needed to write this down for my own sanity.

When you intentionally restrict those sad thoughts that bring you to your knees, Mitch, of course you are affecting your grief journey, just as you would be affecting it if you used anything else that helps to get you through the day. But that does not mean that there is anything "wrong" with you, or that you are doing something harmful to yourself. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

This notion of "dosing your pain" is identified by renowned author, educator and grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt as an important tool in coping with grief. He describes it in one of his books, Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart, p. 13: 

Dosing Your Pain

While this touchstone [Touchstone One: Open to the Presence of Your Loss] seeks to help you understand the role of pain in your healing, I want to make sure you also understand that you cannot embrace the pain of your grief all at once. If you were to feel it all at once, you could not survive. Instead, you must allow yourself to “dose” the pain—feel it in small waves then allow it to retreat until you are ready for the next wave.

See also Finding Crying Time in Grief

[mittam99]

Thanks Marty. I like that phrase "dosing your pain". Dr. Mitch has been prescribing quite a few of those doses for me recently!

[Margm]

Mitch, I felt like the song by Johnny Paycheck called "Old Violin" when I saw my old school, broken down, old and falling apart.  And, it was only yesterday that Billy was picking me up for lunch each day.  Our first apartment still stands, but they will probably tear it down soon.  It is vacant, like the old school, like my old life, like my old self.  I swear, I was not old until Billy left.  It makes you  feel useless, even with family all around. 

I want to have time to read, not sure I want to have time to think too much, but think I should do more, but thinking hurts.  I want to have time to read Marty's articles.  Waiting for my son, hopefully we will finish up by the week end.  I'm so tired of this going back and forth. 

I wish peace for all our grievers. 

Well, I can't recall, one time in my life,
I've felt as lonely as I do tonight.
I feel like I could lay down, and get up no more,
It's the damndest feelin'; I never felt it before.

Tonight I feel like an old violin,
Soon to be put away and never played again.
Don't ask me why I feel like this, hell, I can't say.
I only wish this feelin' would just go away.

(Don't listen to this song).

[kayc]

Thanks Marty.  I knew I'd read that, just didn't remember where.  All of us do have to continue to function, whether it's going to work or just taking care of ourselves or children if we have minors.  I don't think we're holding up progress by doing our grief in "doses" rather than continually.  In fact, continually can send us into a downward spiral, esp. if it costs us our jobs or health.

[Cookie]

4 hours ago, MartyT said:

 

When you intentionally restrict those sad thoughts that bring you to your knees, Mitch, of course you are affecting your grief journey, just as you would be affecting it if you used anything else that helps to get you through the day. But that does not mean that there is anything "wrong" with you, or that you are doing something harmful to yourself. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

This notion of "dosing your pain" is identified by renowned author, educator and grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt as an important tool in coping with grief. He describes it in one of his books, Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart, p. 13: 

Dosing Your Pain

While this touchstone [Touchstone One: Open to the Presence of Your Loss] seeks to help you understand the role of pain in your healing, I want to make sure you also understand that you cannot embrace the pain of your grief all at once. If you were to feel it all at once, you could not survive. Instead, you must allow yourself to “dose” the pain—feel it in small waves then allow it to retreat until you are ready for the next wave.

See also Finding Crying Time in Grief

I can't seem to consciously "dose" my pain.  It just comes and goes of its own desire.  That is what I don't like...so much lack of control.  Sometimes I'll be doing what I think is okay and then the bottom falls out and I feel so much pain.  I can't make it go away and I can't seem to ward it off.  No rhythm or reason.  It's a little scary to me.  I wish there was some control; that would feel so much better....

[Cookie]

4 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Mark never seemed to be someone who sat idle for too long (unless he had just come home from working in the heat all day), so when he got up and did stuff, so did I.  I felt so much younger when he was around...we DID stuff and laughed and talked.  Now it just feels like "why bother".  

I also have a lot of that feeling of why bother.  Then I just do things to do something.  Wonder if it will ever be exciting or fun again....

[Cookie]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I just looked at the calendar and realized the it's been 16 months today since my sweet Tammy lost her battle with that vile disease, Lupus.

Still trying to find some meaning in my life. Still wishing I'm actually in some alternate dimension and will be back to my reality and life with Tammy. Still wanting to hold Tammy again. To see her smile. Hear her laugh. Hear her say "Mitchie Pooh". Why do the good die young and bad people live to be 100? Trying to make sense of it all.

Not a good day. Then again, few if any, are.

Feel for you so much Mitch.  I think we all are familiar with many of the things you wrote.  I would make it better for you if I could.  My thoughts are with you....warmly, Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎06‎/‎23‎/‎2016 at 1:02 PM, mittam99 said:

My heart goes out to all who have posted. Everything we deal with now, alone, has a different feel to it, doesn't it? Whether it's something out of the routine like health issues or just the mundane like grocery shopping, there's no one at home to reassure us "it will be OK".

Even worse than dealing with things in the moment is thinking too far ahead, I try not to do that very often, but when I do, I fall to my knees in agony!

Butch, I know what you mean. Sure it helps to be surrounded by loving and caring family. Yet at the same time, no matter how much they help, the sense of emptiness and loneliness of losing your Mary still overwhelms. They can't give you the same type of love your wife did. In my world, Tammy was absolutely all I had. The love we felt was intense. We were inseparable. Living alone is so terribly hard. I find myself just doing everyday things around the house (cleaning, watching TV, etc.) and out of the blue (or sometimes triggered by something) I'll start sobbing and crying out Tammy's name and telling her how much I miss her. 

These days, after my grief burst, I'm able to function in a short while (after my breathing and heart rate slow back down). A year ago, my day would have been "ruined" and I would have been a emotional wreck for quite some time. Our grief journey is both a painful endurance test and a challenging learning experience.  It's the hardest thing any of us will ever do.

Very difficult.  Hugs to you, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

I guess I compartmentalize things to be able to get thru the day.  I don't have to schedule time for grief as there are certain times of the day that trigger automatically.  Waking up, coming home, eating alone, how I spend my evenings now, etc..  There was a commercial once for depression of a woman walking around all day with this cloud hovering over her.  That is how I feel.  No matter what I do or don't do, it follows me.  Another big change is physically I have changed so much.  I spend the day in constant pain if I do anything but sit.  Other conditions have intensified too.  Like I put everything on hold because I had to be there for Steve 24/7.  So between the mental and physical days are very long.  Sleep is a nice refuge if I get tired enough for it to last more than a few hours.  I wish I could schedule times, it would help immensely.  Maybe I'm too vulnerable to triggers.

Maryann, I don't know what to make of the anniversaries anymore either.  Hit 20 months last week and don't know if I should look at it as a testament I have gotten this far or a reminder of how long I have been alone and the next number just adds to that tally.  I don't feel testament tho.  That is what others see and that creates a conflict because in their minds I have 'cone a long way'.  Well, that's sure the truth!  But I have alone and in pain.  So many are surprised that I feel things deeper than I did before.  I know it is because they cannot even slightly fathom all that time without thier partners.  It's incomprehensible to them.  I can see the scenario sometimes, I tell someone how I am doing and they tell thier partner and talk TOGETHER about how hard it must be.  

Im also really feeling the effects of 'skin hunger'.  I've had no one to hold me in all this time when I cry.  This is really a tough one.  I held Steve often during the battle.  We could cry together.  Near the end I didn't much but held him.  It doesn't ease the reality, but sure makes a difference in that primal connection we néed with people, especially our mates.  Hugs I get all the time.  They are OK,  but deep I the night it's so hard to have only youself to hug and no one to understand.

so thru all my babbling today, what I find is I live, breathe and am grief right now.  I can try and spin in it all I want, but I am walking grief.  I don't know where Gwen ends and it begins anymore.  That is why I feel so set apart among people no matter what I do.  They say dead man walking, I am grief walking.

[R.Everit55]

I think I'm stuck in grief.  So overwhelmed right now that I'm numb.  That I believe is a protective mechanism because the truth is none of us is capable of coping with the full strength of our grief at once.  Or we would in fact die I suppose.  Our hearts and minds are constantly trying to protect themselves through dosing or becoming numb because it's too much all at once.  

[KATPILOT]

Naw your not stuck in grief Butch. You're just right smack in the middle of a very long journey and like all of us, dealing with one grief issue at a time is about as much as we can take. One day you'll notice you were actually moving forward................. all the time.

I would hate to be one of those people who are brilliant at multi tasking.  I would probably crash quite badly thinking I could handle so many issues at the same time but this isn't like talking on the phone while fixing dinner and catching some television on the side. This is more like being put in an arena with a lion, a tiger, a gladiator with a really big sword, and the vultures are circling. Have you ever thought about how many aspects of grief there are?

Mitch I know it's a hard time right now. You had the time to slow and reflect and realize how it was today sixteen months ago that the real hard journey began. Just thinking about you. You remind me often of my own journey. 

[mittam99]

I read these words today and found them comforting and so true. It made me think of all of us here at the forum. We have people here who have given me hope when I've felt hopeless. I feel comfort "walking" with others here who share and understand my pain. I also believe my journey and my words have given hope and comfort to others from time to time. We are all in this together and I'm thankful you all are part of my grief journey.

Yes, I'm alone. My Tammy, my everything, my one and only has died. But, I'm so grateful for this forum. Marty, and all the members here have become like family. And unlike our "real" families, I truly feel understood here.

Mitch