Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[Froggie4635]

Another excerpt from "hope & healing for transcending loss"  by Ashley Davis Bush:

"Sometimes you might skate along the surface of your grief. It is there below as you move over it. And other times, you drop deep into the depths of the abyss that is grief. There, you touch the center of your pain. Both places are important aspects of your progress. Both have their place. "    Accept where you are today, whether you're on the surface or deep down with your grief.

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I wish I knew how to save some of the posts here so that I can go back an reread them.  I always seem to lose which thread they were in

Many thanks to all for such great thoughts and information.

[Froggie4635]

What I have done in the past is if something someone said or posted really touched me or helped me, I copy and pasted it to a word document.  I recently went and copied all the things I posted about my story and put it into a document.  One day I will print them all out and have my thoughts all in one place.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you Maryann!

I wanted to add some of the posts to my journal.  My thoughts are that I want to use the good here and not waste the goodness.  Hello from Charlie one of my fur boys!

 

[TerriL]

SW, if we were in Oz, you'd definitely be my Auntie M!   (Although, she was actually in Kansas, wasn't she? lol) 

I happened to notice how ironic the one line in my post was. I said I didn't want a new relationship with a stranger and yet, that's exactly what I have in my new reality. I'm a stranger to myself and I'm forced to figure out how we're going to live together from here on out. 

On a more life-affirming note, my niece has gone into labor this morning and I'm waiting to hear news of the birth of her baby girl. My niece conceived the baby only two days after Paul's death, so I feel maybe she has a bit of magic in her. 

[Froggie4635]

NIce to meet you Charlie...

Congrats, Terri

[TerriL]

Thank you, Maryann! 

Wow, how adorable is that little bundle of white fur? Charlie is such a cutie pie! He made me smile!

[TerriL]

I forgot to mention, Maryann, that I bought that book upon your recommendation. I try to remember to read it every day when I'm having my first cup of coffee. I admit I've forgotten a few times, so I'll read more than one to catch up. Haha! It's very helpful though. 

[Froggie4635]

Terri,

I don't always read every day, it is on my desk at work.  I try and read ahead through the weekend days on Friday. If my mornings aren't too hectic when I get it, I will pick it up and read it.  I don't like to carry my books back and forth from home to work, because I know I will forget it and then find I want to read it, so if one of the days quotes/thoughts really touches me, I will write it down and then write it in my journal at home and respond to it.  It is kind of like giving myself a writing prompt.

[TerriL]

That's a great idea, Maryann! I've tried to keep a journal since January and so far, my writing has been hit or miss. It has helped me though, so I need to try and sit myself down and just write. Just DO it. Now that you've got me thinking about that journal, I should go back and re-read some of my entries. See where I was then compared to where I'm at now. I've had strange dreams on occasion, too, and I'd write as much as I could remember about them. I'm still trying to figure a few out!

[Froggie4635]

Terri,

I started writing in a journal the beginning of the year 2015 (Mark died on Dec 4, 2014).  I do not think I wrote every day; I still do not write as often as I think would help.  I try and do it each Saturday morning. I created a special music cd to play while I write.  I don't find it possible to do it during the week. My thoughts are too scattered and responsibilities make it tough to settle long enough to get them on the page.  Most times I am writing to Mark...but after taking the Write Your Grief writing course, writing from a prompt seemed an interesting way to get thoughts centered.

[mittam99]

Well, I just got home from a difficult work day. It's been hot and miserable here and it was the end of another long week. At the end of my shift I pretty much "lost it".

A customer asked "how my wife was doing". I was shocked by the question because her husband was a former co-worker and he knows Tammy died last year. I thought she knew. I told her Tammy died. And then I heard this... "Well at least she's out of her pain"...

I tried my best to keep my cool. I almost always do. I'm known for that. Even when I was a kid one of my nicknames from friends was "Cool McCool". Maybe it was the heat, maybe I was tired and just let my defenses down, but I couldn't deal with her words. I shook my head and implied that I didn't think what she said was appropriate. And that she honestly wouldn't understand how this grief feels. She replied "I was only trying to be nice". And that's when I lost it.  I had to say something but I didn't want to get fired. So I told her that people just say things like "she's in a better place" or "she's out of her pain" because they think it's nice and it sounds like a caring thing to say. But it really isn't very nice. And that, to be honest, the only way she could begin to understand my loss, would be dealing with her husband's sudden death. In a public setting like that, I know I probably went too far.

It's just that this pain is so deep. I have nothing left in this world but pain. And anguish.

And emptiness.

 

[Gin]

Mitch,

Sorry that happened.  The heat does not help, either.  People think they are being nice, but it sure does not seem nice to us.  I am sure folks will understand that you had a bad day, even if they do not understand the depth of your grief.  Hope the rest of your weekend is better.  By the way, I hate weekends.  It is really hot here, also.  My minister visited last week and we were talking about the things people say.  His dad died recently and people told him, "God needed him".  He told them,"yeah, but I needed him, too".  I liked that.

Gin

[R.Everit55]

I'm sorry that happened today to you Mitch.  Sending prayers to you. 

Butch

[brat#2]

Mitch - I totally understand and I think I would have said the same thing to her.  I'm sorry that she said that to you, but unfortunately it happens to all of us.  Not that it makes it any easier and I agree that when we are tired that just irritates us more.  Also the heat doesn't make it any easier either, I've had to bite my lip several times this week because I've been so hot and I know I'm irritable.  Hope the rest of the day gets a little better for you.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

I started writing in a journal the beginning of the year

Maryann, sometimes we have to have a "to each his own"  Not sure, but think Steve might have written that one size does not fit all.  I tried the writing the journal.  I kept trying over time, then would put it down.  I had lots of pretty notebooks.  While getting the books ready to move I went back and read what I wrote and my feelings were in a fatal accident.  It killed me to read my thoughts.  We are supposed to do it to show our growth, how far we have come, but it was like seeing the old vandalized school, the falling down apartment house, it showed me that I had hurt so terribly bad, and I still hurt that terribly bad and worse after reading them.  It put me in such a blue funk I wanted to run away so bad but I could not run away, where ever I went, there I was.  So much I don't want to remember.  So much I have to remember.  So much I want to  numb down until I cannot remember.  Maybe in a year, maybe in two years.  Might be like our marriage.  I had no pictures of the happy, tumultuous event, can remember what I wore, could not remember what Billy wore.  We have pictures of early marriage, early events, I even have my clean shaven Steve McQueen looking Billy the Kid.  

I know you all are going to laugh at my stupidity.  People told me to get boxes to take stuff to the thrift store.  I asked and they told me they were all broken down so I gave up.  Then the lawyer's secretary this morning told me to get the broken down ones and put them together with duct tape.  Damn, I cannot think of the most simple things.  So, I filled the back of my truck up with these flattened boxes.  Fixing to shore them up.  

The one who wants to buy it is bringing boxes also.  Maybe things will get done.  My son was in a blue funk when I got here.  Coming in with no one here made him so depressed.  We have to get out of this house.  Billy did not want to stay and I know reminders help people, but sometimes reminders trigger a blue mood that is no where close to the color purple I love.  

Peace to you all, you too Mitch.  I don't wait for people to ask.  I tell them I am a new widow and somehow people feel sorry for the little old lady that will jump up and bitch slap them if they get on my nerves.  

 

[kayc]

Mitch,

I'm so sorry.  To have someone say something like that to you when you least expect you had to catch you off guard and it's really hard to be polite sometimes when they say something so inappropriate.  

Margaret,

The only thing that separates you from me (besides my house being up side down) is I'm too lazy to box up 40 years worth of stuff and try to figure out what to do with it...that and I have no one to help me with it.

 

[Gwenivere]

Terri, Steve and I talked about former flames.  But that was just memories and stuff people who have established the real relationship they wanted talk about now and then.  They were at a time we were testing waters and hadn't met 'the one'.  When that happens that time is over.  We have found our home.  The thought of being with someone new now has a whole different meaning.  We didn't break up, they died!  It wasn't mutual.  They aren't still out there somewhere and we might wonder what happened to them.  I remember Steve would notice if other men noticed me and got a kick out of it.  Same for me because we were off the market and bound to each other, happy.   Perhaps I might have it harder because I already know my destiny.  That possible goal of finding another companion will not happen for me.  People can tell me til they are blue in the face this could change, but I know me and what we had and nothing will ever come remotely close to even consider.  As we agree too, I don't even know who I am anymore.  So much of hpthe old me is missing.  I don't even feel like a whole person.  I have a hard enough time navigating our home without the thought of an interloper and that I is how I see it.  Someone being in his space?  Never!

[TerriL]

Mitch, you can't be hard on yourself. You're only human and sometimes, things get to a point where we finally snap. We think we're tolerating the insensitivity of others like mature adults, but underneath it all, we're in so much agony and there will come a time when there is one thoughtless remark too many. Today, it happened for you. And for her to say "I'm just trying to be nice" instead of apologizing is astounding to me! She's thinking about herself more than whatever pain she may have caused you.

The only way I can handle my neighbor next door telling me how he's jealous of Paul because he's "in a better place with The Master" is to remind myself that the guy is not in his right mind. Not kidding. He's had to be Baker Acted a couple of times, once for threatening to blow up his oxygen tanks. Yeah, and they're in a room in close proximity to MY house!  But, there are others who have told me that Paul's now in a "better pace". I ignore them. I know the only place Paul considered the best place was right here with me. 

Gee, Marg, I just finished tossing a bunch of boxes into the trash because they were piling up. If we were closer, you could have had them all---no duct tape needed! I also finally managed to toss a beer box filled with old newspapers, so old that Paul had actually read them and stuck them in the beer box himself for recycling. Once he died, papers and magazines started piling up to the point where it took me a while to get them tossed out. (I had to do it a little at a time after making the mistake of piling too many into the garbage bag and it becoming too heavy for me to even carry down to the garbage can or lift it over and in.) I finally got it whittled down to that beer box yesterday and now, that has made it into the recycle container for tomorrow's pick up. 

I have to say Marg has a good point about the re-reading of journals. I did read one of my very early entries one morning and it started me crying all over again. It brought back the vivid memory of how I was feeling in that moment as I wrote---the fear, the despair, the hopelessness. I still feel those things on occasion, but not the extreme fear that would make me wake up at night feeling nauseous. It's a difficult call to make, but the entries about my dreams are okay to read. I think. Haha! They should be the least upsetting, anyway. 

[Gwenivere]

I've had people ask about Steve long after he has been gone.  It breaks my heart to have to say the words he is dead.  But I keep in mind that the  people do that were not close to us at all.  Just people we crossed paths with long ago.  Everyone that was of importance in our life knows.  These are passers by.  How could they know?  Even telling thier spouse doesn't mean the info made it home or stuck.   We'd like to think that our pain is as meaningful to others, but it's not.  That's a bitter pill to swallow. I truly understand being blindsided and being shaken.  I even deal with residents where I volunteer that forget weekly.  The fact it makes them uncomfortable I cannot control.  They are also of so little importance I don't expend energy explaining much.  It's just a fact in response to a question they obviously didn't know.  We all handle things in our way, but for me, I have enough close to me to deal to get caught up by those who are essentially strangers.  But snapping at times I also understand.  This journey just keeps creating potholes and speed bumps where they never were before.

 

[TerriL]

Gwen, 

You've brought up the very thing that I've thought about over and over. Divorce is different from your spouse dying. Both of us were still so much in love and we had plans for our future. He never dreamed he'd be gone that soon and neither did I! We were in this marriage forever. Paul had only been gone about three months when the first person mentioned the possibility of my eventually finding another "nice man to take you out". I remember feeling shocked that they would even bring something like that up in conversation. They even went so far as to emphasize to me that I should make sure he "has a home of his own", "a good job or his own money" and under no circumstances should I let them move in to my house unless I remarry. I just sat there, no doubt with my eyes like saucers, staring at them as they said this. I quickly informed them that I had no interest whatsoever in that kind of thing and they responded with, "Not right NOW! But down the road..." How do you argue with that? You can't. So I just shrugged and let it pass, as I have so many other ridiculous remarks. Frankly, in my opinion, the worst thing someone can do is immediately latch on to someone else in total desperation. Maybe I have that whole "marry in haste, repent at leisure" thing in my head. 

Paul was married once before he married me. It lasted a total of ten years, but he told me about it all and said the first five years were decent, the second five were miserable. Part of it may have been because he married at an early age, when he got out of the Navy after serving in Vietnam. After our first date, Paul and I both knew that what we had was going to be special. 34 years together proved we were right.  

[TerriL]

That's one reason why I don't want to go to my high school reunion, which is being held in my town at the end of this month. Some of my friends have encouraged me to go, but there are so many people from my school days whom I haven't been in contact with. All I can picture in my head is one LONG night of "where's your husband?", "He passed away last October", "OMG, I'm so sorry". I mean----all....night...long. Right. I don't think so. 

[KATPILOT]

What a way to end the week Mitch! I hope you can let go of it and return to a better place. You got caught at the worst time and I know how that can happen. Recently I had a customer come into the shop who I hadn't seen in years. They asked how Kathy was not even knowing she had fought cancer for four months. It seemed so odd to explain after such a long time but fortunately for me I was far enough down this road to handle such a question. You get the obligatory "I am sorry to hear that" which just drives home the point that it's a lot different for us than the rest of the world. 

[TerriL]

This is reminding me of the incident that happened a while back on the Today Show. Maybe one of you also saw it. Martin Short, who had lost his wife after a long battle with cancer, was appearing on the hour with Kathie Lee and Hoda. Kathie Lee asked him how his wife was doing and there was this very uncomfortable moment of absolute stunned silence. Even I knew his wife had died because it had been in the papers and on the news. Apparently, Kathie Lee had been out of the country or something and didn't get the memo. I believe Hoda may have interjected something about his wife passing and Kathie Lee's face turned red, she teared up and was extremely apologetic. I actually felt bad for her because I know she never would have been deliberately hurtful and I do feel she made an honest mistake. But, still!  My mouth dropped open when she said that, which mirrored the look on Hoda's and Martin Short's faces. So squirm-inducing.

[KATPILOT]

Yes I saw it. and yes I will never forget it.  The worst thing!  And it was in my face for days......too soon after Kathy died. All I could do was feel for the guy. He was far braver than I would have been.