Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[kayc]

Just last night my sister relayed to me how her husband had just mentioned how much he'd liked and enjoyed George.  It meant a lot to me, and all the more so because SHE was the one to bring it up, not me.

[TerriL]

Mitch, you are on a roll this week! First the concerts, now the perfect meme for those "difficult times"! HAHA! Yes, I was going to say something to her along the lines of, "If only I'd realized! I could have spared myself so much agony!" or a more educational line, "It really isn't as simple as that." She is an otherwise sweet, friendly girl---well, woman---she's only a year or so younger than I am---so I nodded and let it be. It's pointless to try and explain it all to someone who hasn't gone through it and also, I don't want my eggs to always end up cracked from here on out. Hey! You have to think of self-preservation sometimes! lol

Joyce, I have no doubt they'd have gotten along swimmingly! Paul didn't venture all the way into the 21st Century and when he did, it was no always a pretty sight. He did finally admit to me that YES, he had far less trouble finding exactly what he wanted for better prices by shopping online. He started a little notebook with all his auto part and appliance web sites, all his passwords (he shouldn't remember them, lol) and now, I'm the one who uses that notebook when things have broken and I need a reliable place to look. I look at his handwriting and feel the pain return. I guess I need to "snap out of it".  

[TerriL]

Kay, that is such a nice thing for them to say to you. I wish people would say something like that to me about Paul. It makes me feel so happy when I know that other people realized what a wonderful, special man he truly was and appreciated him. That sort of thing made me feel good when he was still alive, too. I'd always sing his praises to people and it would often catch them by surprise. They'd turn to Paul and tell him "You must be doing something right to have your wife talking about you like THAT!" Yep. He did. 

[TerriL]

Wow, I just looked at all the mis-typed words in the post about Paul's web sites! I swear, I'm not medicated! I probably should be, but I'm not.  

[Gwenivere]

I wish people talked to me more about Steve.  I'm not really close to anyone locally, but enough so that they could inquire.  I long ago stopped bringing him up because people would go silent.  I find myself including him in anecdotes now when conversing.  Someone needs to talk about him!  If no one else will, I'll do it.

[kayc]

Gwen, I would too, they deserve having their memory kept alive!

[Gin]

A few months back, I was telling my brother how much I missed Al.  He said, "You know, I miss him a lot, too".  I appreciated that.  Al got along well with him.  My brother always called him his buddy.  

[mittam99]

Someone needs to talk about him!  If no one else will, I'll do it.

Gwen, I'm with you on this. One of the most important things I can do in this life is keep Tammy "alive" by telling others about her. She was an amazing woman and I will never let her incredible spirit just fade away. That's one of the ways I try to honor her. She was an inspiration to me and, hopefully, to others as well.
 

[brat#2]

Terri - I understand about his handwriting, I was looking for a phone number the other day and found it and it was in his handwriting.  It broke my heart, it's not easy to "snap out of it"

Kay and Gin, it is nice when you hear that someone else enjoyed the company of your spouse and that they miss him too.

Gwen and Mitch - I totally agree, I bring Dale up to people as much as possible, I want everyone I talk to know that he was here and meant something special to me.

Joyce

 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I haven't visited my MIL or spoken to her on the phone since the dinner after Gord passed.  Her way of coping is by pretending he isn't gone, just away at work.  I don't know how to deal with that.  He is gone, he is not coming back, and I'm grieving his death.  All our conversations over the last 37 years have had some aspect of Gord's life in it.  If I can't talk about him to her I don't really have anything to say.

Is this horrible of me?  She lives in a beautiful assisted living facility were she has easy access to 100 or more people just outside her door.  She is 80 and very physically fragile and has some mental deficits but does not have dementia.  She has one son and his wife and 4 grandchildren and a daughter with two adult children and 5 grandchildren.  

I'm lonely.  Yes, my adult son lives with me.  I live out of town on 5 acres in a house that needs work.  My phone rarely rings as I am 'contagious' or something.  I've tried to reconnect with family on my side and old friends but it isn't happening.  Too many people don't want to talk about Gord.  My heart is breaking and some days I feel like I'm drowning.  My birthday is next week and I will be surprised if anyone besides my son remembers.  Boo - hoo for me.  Silly really, no, it's petty of me.  

Loneliness, emptiness, meaninglessness.  I should get the t-shirt.

Marita

 

[TerriL]

Our goddaughter mentions to me once in a while how much she misses Paul. She lives out of state and has for a few years now, so Paul and I were no longer in her everyday life. But, a few times we've been talking on the phone and she'll bring up how strange it still is to her that Paul is no longer here. She said that it will hit her from time to time that when she returns here to visit, he will no longer be at home with me. I said that she should imagine how it is for me, every day when I wake up. I wish she was closer, but at the same time, everything Paul and I did for her was to give her the wings to go out and live her own life, on her own terms. I wouldn't want to cling to her or make her feel guilty. I go through that quite often now----needing help sometimes, but also not wanting to become a "burden" on others. 

Marita, it isn't silly or petty to feel so alone or forgotten on your birthday, if no one is remembering. Of course, you said your birthday isn't until next week, so maybe people will surprise you. I hope so! Allow me to wish you an early happy birthday! My husband passed away 15 days before my 57th birthday. Some people sent cards and others felt that it might be disrespectful to send me happy birthday wishes so soon after his passing. The way I was feeling at that time, I didn't care one way or the other. My dad died the day before my 44th birthday. Like Marg and I were talking about in another thread---it's getting to the point where we may have to yank the October page out of all our future calendars. It's sad, because during my early years, October had always been one of my favorite months (my birthday and Halloween in the same month). What struck me most about your comments was the one question: "Is this horrible of me?" I find myself asking that so often when I have certain feelings about people or situations and can't explain fully WHY I feel as I do, I just DO. I'm coming to terms with that to some degree, because I have to assume that my body is acting in a protective way to shield me in my grief. Therefore, I'm feeling the way I do for a reason. That reason may not always be immediately apparent to me, but it's there, nonetheless. Your mother in law is grieving in a way where it appears she's still in some stage of denial. Not knowing her personally, I have no way of knowing if she's always handled tragic situations in this manner or if this is a new thing for her. Her mind could be more adversely affected by Gord's passing than you realize. You could call her just to ask how she's doing and try to sidestep any conversation that could lead to her saying things that will hurt you. But, as I said, you know her and I don't. If it's going to cause you additional pain, it isn't horrible of you to spare yourself. My husband's father's second wife has called occasionally since my husband passed and she called recently, but I didn't feel like talking, so I didn't pick it up. I have not returned the call yet, even though it was weeks ago now. I get tired of always having to repeat the same thing endlessly to people. It isn't that I don't appreciate their concern for me, but there isn't all that much that's new. Paul is still gone. I'm still alone. I don't want to continue to relive the moments of his passing nor the moments of his father's passing, which she seems to still have the need to bring up all the time. The questions I ask now are "Who or what will contribute to my healing?" and "Who or what is contributing to my continued pain or anger?" If I'm honest, I know the answers to these questions and I must increase the first and expunge the latter. I give the latter ones a chance by talking honestly with them first, but if things continue in the same manner, I distance myself. My mental and physical well-being depend on this. Some might feel that this "self-preservation" instinct is selfish, but at the end of the day, I'm all I've got. "Their opinion of me is none of my business." Darn, I'd give credit for that quote, but it's been attributed to so many different people, it's hard to say who came up with it first.  

[MartyT]

[kayc]

I try to live this way.  Yet I remember a little childhood phrase:

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!

I have found that to be untrue.  Words do hurt.  We should be cognizant of them and respectful of others even while striving to esteem yourself enough to live above other's opinions.

[TerriL]

Oh, definitely words DO hurt. The verbal abuse I endured throughout my life left deep scars inside of me that came out as extremely low self-esteem and making poor choices at certain times in my life. I'm sure it also played a huge part in my anxiety disorder. It isn't easy to ignore the opinions and words of others, especially if they're from people we care about. Many of the hurtful remarks came from my own parents, so when I was a kid, I figured what they were saying must be true. Except it WASN'T. It was their own mental baggage coming out of them and I was the unwitting victim. I always say that I'm a "work in progress", since I make strides and then experience setbacks. I only began seeing any progress at all when I was able to sort of step back from the things that were said to me and question why someone would even want to say something so hurtful or cruel. There has to be something broken in a person capable of doing that. When I've called  them out on it and replied that they don't know what's in my heart, but I do, and I know that I'm nothing like what they have just said, most times they're taken by surprise. They get this little "shocked" expression because they aren't expecting that kind of response. They're expecting the same old patterns and knee-jerk reactions of yore. It simply came down to me no longer being willing to tolerate abuse of any kind. Paul's death only seems to have reinforced this in me. Peoples' opinions truly DON'T matter to me anymore, in the grand scheme of things. The only one whose opinion mattered to me is gone. If I'm making decisions and living my life according to the values I cherish most highly, then I'm doing the right thing (no matter WHAT anyone else thinks) and have nothing to be embarrassed about. 

Thank you for posting that meme, Marty! When I researched to get the credit for the quote, Dr. Wayne Dyer's name came up and someone also attributed something similar to Anthony Hopkins! HAHA! Who knew Hannibal Lecter was so sensitive?  

[kayc]

Terri, you are truly wise to only give that kind of power  to someone who truly cares about you:

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

The only one whose opinion mattered to me is gone.

It's not always easy to step back instead of overreacting, esp. to what we've experienced from the past and not attribute it to some poor unsuspecting soul that unwittingly stepped on our baggage bomb.  All of us who have had these kinds of background baggage can probably relate!  It's such a valuable thing to finally realize who matters most and only give weight to their opinions in regards to ourselves.

[TerriL]

Kay, I'm not sure I became wise as much as I grew exhausted. It dawned on me that I was beating myself up all the time (in my own head) with words from the past that belonged to people who had died years ago. The people still left alive have attempted to repeat old patterns since Paul died, but that's when i immediately cut them off and decided to go it alone. They have since come around and have actually apologized and are treating me with the respect I deserve. I just won't accept anything less anymore. To be fair, I still ask Paul's opinion! I do want a sign or message once in a while that he agrees with the choices I'm making and he's okay with them. 

Speaking of other peoples' opinions of me, right now, I've become The Frog Whisperer and my family thinks I'm nuts. After draining the pool water to about only a foot deep, we discovered it was filled with tadpoles and I became concerned with their well-being. They have grown now into tiny frogs with tails and I have been attempting to save as many as I can by scooping them out with a net. I made my BIL put a plank of wood in there so they'd have something to climb up on to get out of the water. The frogs are actually using it, believe it or not! (They aren't climbing out of the pool, they're just sitting on it.) In the past couple of days, I've gotten quite a few out. I've been on the receiving end of much laughter and eye rolls, but I feel good about helping the frogs, so that's all that matters!

[kayc]

Terri,

I think that's wonderful!  It sounds like something I'd do as I love nature and animals, any kind.  Frogs are a sign of balance and it's to be coveted that they live on your property!  How cool is that!

[Froggie4635]

Terri,

What you wrote could be my life history...had a lifetime of lessons on how to be so very hard on myself; to never be seen who the person I was and the value that I had.  Instead I tried to make myself feel better by eating, then shopping, and like you making many poor choices, which then made me practically worthless in their eyes.  I don't know how I held on and found the strength I know I have.  Like you, once I met Mark and he came into my life, other people's opinions did not matter one wee bit.  He never tried to change me.  He loved me...he was one of only two people in my life who REALLY loved me.   Oh, I know my aunts and cousins loved me...but that was different.  I'm not sure where it is coming from today, but I am very weepy/emotional and missing my husband so very much.  I miss when I have had such a trying day, and he would listen and say how proud he was...and I would feel all renewed.  I don't think I am strong enough to do that for myself right now.  I found forgiveness for my parents, who did only what they knew how/were taught about raising children and being parents.  I know they were not happy, did not really like themselves because THEY had probably not been around people who helped them feel that they mattered.  Mark and I mattered to each other, and that made everything so wonderful.  And it is so hard to not have that anymore.

[MartyT]

The frog whisperer ~ I love that, Terri! My son and his family have been visiting these last several days, and one day last week (after we'd been swimming in the Gulf), I picked up my son's damp shirt and swim shorts off the floor to toss them in the washer ~ and sitting there beneath his clothes, looking a bit bewildered, was a FROG. I've no idea how he got into my son's swim shorts, or why he decided to stay there overnight, but I managed to grab a paper towel, toss it over the frog and set him (her?) free in my front yard. No idea how long he'd been hiding there, or how he got into my son's shorts ~ but I'm sure the frog has a good story to tell his froggy friends!  

[TerriL]

Thank you, Marty and everyone! I know that Nature isn]t always kind and most likely, some that I'm "saving" will not make it, due to birds or snakes or whatever, but they're better off than being caught in a pool they may have difficulty escaping. 

Marty, that is such a funny incident with he frog! Where on earth did he come from and how did he manage to get underneath the swim trunks? We're all being sent messages via amphibians! There has to be something to that! So far, I don't have any frogs in my shorts (I consider that a good thing). HAHA! 

And it just dawned on me that Froggie4635 has the perfect name for my latest situation!  I know what you mean about having to work through such negative thoughts about yourself, programmed into you at a young age. I know my parents loved me and there were many wonderful times growing up, too. It's exactly as you pointed out. They did the best they could with what they had at their disposal. My mom lost her father in a drowning incident at the age of three and my grandmother's family had "issues", but it's what my mom had to grow up around and it definitely affected her. My dad was eleven years older than my mom and came from a family of 16 children, with an abusive alcoholic father at the helm. Because of what he saw and experienced growing up, he swore he would never hit his own kids and he didn't. My dad could be a very funny and charming man. But, my father also drank and often made mean remarks to me that were probably said to him as a kid. To be honest, he would still make cruel, hurtful remarks into my adulthood, but I started fighting back against it at that point in time. He had disagreed with my wedding plans (he was not paying for them, Paul and I were) and he told me that if I had the wedding I wanted, no one was going to bother to come. I was so deeply hurt by that comment that the day we went to get our marriage license and the clerk asked if we also wanted the ceremony, I turned to Paul and said "Let's just do it NOW. The two of us.". And we did. We had the wedding we wanted and didn't bother to invite anyone. lol It was still as magical as any other we could have dreamed up because we were so in love. I'll NEVER forget the look of pure happiness and love in Paul's eyes when he we were reciting our vows. The clerk's office still had shamrocks and leprechauns on the walls from St. Patrick's Day a few days prior, so I always say we had an Irish wedding! HAHA!! Oh, and did my father pitch a fit when he discovered that we had gotten married and he wasn't there! I never felt guilty. Not once. His manipulation tactics no longer worked. "Keep your words nice and sweet, you never know which ones you'll have to eat."  

[KarenK]

Terri,

6 hours ago, TerriL said:

 "Keep your words nice and sweet, you never know which ones you'll have to eat."  

How perfect is that! Right up there with "The Golden Rule". Can you imagine how many relationships could have been saved if only those statements would have been observed?

I am having a horribly depressing week. So much financial stress that it is eating me alive. I am at my rope's end. To make things worse, tomorrow would be my daughter's 52nd birthday. We would always call each other on our birthdays and joke about how we were getting so old. In 2 weeks, she will have been gone for 2 years. It is still so hard for me to accept. Even more so than Ron's passing, I guess. There are so many months to erase from our memories now. Just want to hide in a corner somewhere. I tried explaining my feelings to my son last night, but even though he has lost his dad and step-sister, he hugged me and just sort of looked at me dumbfounded. So hard when the only ones who "get it" are here only and so far away.

[brat#2]

Karen, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now and you are right we do "get it" and it is hard that we are so far away from each other.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[TerriL]

Karen, I teared up reading your post because I can feel your pain through your words. I wish I had the answers for ALL of us, but I don't. I can only tell you that I've often felt the same way about the people on this forum being the only ones who really seem to "get" me and what I'm going through. I also wish you all weren't so far away. I am grateful, however, that I have you all here to talk with. Better to have each other and be far away, than to have no one at all. 

[kayc]

Karen,

I am sorry this is all hitting you so hard, I know how the birthdays and anniversaries of death go.  She was just one year younger than George.  Your son my understand the grief, but men are "fixers" and this is something they just can't fix, that makes it hard for them to know how to deal with it.  We know what to do, we cry or eat ice cream...or both.

[iPraiseHim]

4 minutes ago, kayc said:

Karen,

I am sorry this is all hitting you so hard, I know how the birthdays and anniversaries of death go.  She was just one year younger than George.  Your son my understand the grief, but men are "fixers" and this is something they just can't fix, that makes it hard for them to know how to deal with it.  We know what to do, we cry or eat ice cream...or both.

Community Alert!

Men do this, too!

Shalom - George