Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[kayc]

You're a better man than me, Mitch!   I give them an INCREDULOUS look! 

[mittam99]

Not worth the effort, Kay. Too many facial muscles involved with making an incredulous look! 

A fake understanding look is easier.

[kayc]

I'm not good at fake, incredulous comes naturally.

[mittam99]

After working with the public for 45 years plus, you learn how to fake it in such a way you look sincere. It's a very useful, important skill. Then again, as much as I try not to, the occasional incredulous look sneaks out.

[Margm]

19 hours ago, ChinUp54 said:

My mother remarried 4 months after my father passed away.

I complain about not being able to feel Billy's presence in any way.  I know heaven is supposed to be a perfect place with perfect spirits.  I am afraid Billy's perfect spirit would definitely make its presence if I chose to "not be lonely."  Only three of my vast widowhood friends have chosen remarriage.  One had lots of money and this fellow from our childhood years (that was gossiped never to work), he latched onto her and they have been having a ball, as long as the money lasts.  Another has been remarried about 12 years with most of that time being spent at Houston's Heart Hospital and emergency trips to ER.  But, he is like the Timex watch, and he keeps on ticking.  The third is a man who remarried and seems to have a wonderful lifestyle.  He is a lawyer, retired, but still works for the VA system, mostly for free.  Their pictures are in the society section of local newspaper often.  Seems like a win-win.  My friend's had only just been buried when I called to talk to her husband.  He was on his honeymoon.  His mom said he was lonely.  He had to have been very lonely while she was being taken care of by his mother on her deathbed.  (I am judging and that is a sin.)  And my own MIL making a date with the undertaker at my FIL's funeral.  Life is a series of jokes, unbelievable happenings, and hope for the people that look and find someone else.  I knew my Billy, and I believe that he is in heaven (my religious belief, mine alone), but I know he is not on the saint circuit.  

[scba]

58 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I Life is a series of jokes, unbelievable happenings, and hope for the people that look aomeone else.  I knew my Billy, and I believe that he is in heaven (my religious belief, mine alone), but I know he is not on the saint circuit.  

Totally agree, life is unpredictable. 

My Fred is somewhere, I don't know if it is heaven, surely he is not in the holy circuit too. I like to imagine he talks to Dostoievsky, he listens to John Lennon playing the guitar, he observes Van Gogh painting. 

[scba]

21 hours ago, Gin said:

  Another fiend told me to find another man, at least for companionship.  I do not want anyone but Al, and since I cannot have him, I will be alone.  This sure is a hard road we are all on.

This is what drives me crazy, "find another man" as if we were in a chicken market. As if building a relationship , trust a new someone were easy, as if our pain and loneliness is a matter of attitude.

 I cannot predict my future (anymore) and anything can happen, including falling in love. But as Gwen said, I would be surprise if I put my heart under risk to be broken again and be in a relationship. It is not in my character. I'm talking for myself. Presented today with the choice, I  choose to be alone. I had a fantastic relationship. Been there done that. I had the best for me. Do you find it twice in life? I'm not sure....

[Widowedbysuicide]

It has been 26 Tuesdays since my husband died.  Maybe it is too soon to look 'up the road a bit' but society sure forces it upon us with their "find someone new" comments.  I don't want to be part of a couple right now but I certainly don't want to be single the rest of my life.  As an only child I have spent a lot of alone time.  I need to believe that at some point in time I will have someone I can share time with.  To me, with my mental health issues, hope is as important as air.  Take away my air and I will suffocate.

 

12 minutes ago, scba said:

This is what drives me crazy, "find another man" as if we were in a chicken market. As if building a relationship , trust a new someone were easy, as if our pain and loneliness is a matter of attitude.

 I cannot predict my future (anymore) and anything can happen, including falling in love. But as Gwen said, I would be surprise if I put my heart under risk to be broken again and be in a relationship. It is not in my character. I'm talking for myself. Presented today with the choice, I  choose to be alone. I had a fantastic relationship. Been there done that. I had the best for me. Do you find it twice in life? I'm not sure....

 

I miss my husband like crazy and would do anything I could to have him back... 

Marita

[scba]

Dear Marita, I didn't want to imply that looking for love, relationship or companionship is wrong. It is absolutely right if it is your choice, if it is your will.

Keep your hope and beliefs close to your heart, keep breathing.

Ana

[mittam99]

I think we all can agree that each of us has to live our life in our way and in a way that works for us. For me, it's not a question of starting over with someone or the fear of finding love and losing it again. For me, it's simple. Tammy was my one and only. She was my everything. Sure, I'm lonely, but in my world no one could ever replace Tammy in my heart. On the other hand, if others feel the need to be with someone else, it's not for me to judge. If it brings them happiness, then they are making the right choice, for them.

[KATPILOT]

You have that right Mitch. I have a few friends today that are couples who I socialize with and it use to make me feel a little uncomfortable kind of like being a fifth wheel. I noticed recently that I don't feel that way anymore. I don't see the couples that they are. I just see friends. All part of that "time" thing again.  Live long enough as a single man and you forget what you looked like as a couple.  Oh I still miss her and how I wish I could dance again with her pressed next to me. That is something we did and loved it. That's one funky part of not being a couple. It wasn't that I could dance. It was that I could dance with the intimacy that comes only when you're in love. Otherwise, I can party! 

[Margm]

Simple for me.  I have plenty of women friends, lots of family, one love for my lifetime, and I am just too old to share private time with a new person that Billy would get rid of anyhow.

[Gin]

Had to get a lung function test today at a new hospital.  With my bad knee, there was no way I could walk through the lot so I decided to use the valet.  After I registered there was a long walk to the diagnostic test area.  Lucky there was a nice man who pushed me in a wheelchair.  Afterward, I used a wheelchair like a walker to get back to the valet.  It was so very different not having Al with me.  We always stayed with each other thru all this medical stuff.  All of a sudden we are alone!  The one who cared for us so much is no longer there.

Gin

[Margm]

Gin, I find no delight in being alone.  But, think of this, you did it.  You did not want to, you were afraid you could not walk the distance, well you figured out a way.  We may be down girl, but we won't just lay there and let anyone walk on us.  Our mate is not with us.  You did this yourself.  YOU FOUND A WAY.  We can even carry in our own groceries ourselves.  Might take a few trips, but unless I have company there is not much to bring in.  

Now, let us know how your tests turned out.  I'm proud of you.   

[kayc]

Gin, I'm glad you got through it and someone helped you.  Going through that medical stuff really makes you realize how alone you are.

[R.Everit55]

I even though my son and his family live with me.., still struggle deeply with loneliness.  I may not be alone but I'm lonely.  My Mary was always by my side.  We did everything together.  From the toughest events like family members deaths to simple things like grocery shopping or gardening.  We would hide away in our room on the bed and cuddle and even though a movie was on it wasn't what we payed attention too as much as enjoying each other's touch.  I have tears remembering.  I still can feel if I try really hard.  I still can hear her voice as well even though she lost that ability to speak before her passing.  I really remember holding her close squeezing her hand and kissing her soft cheek as she passed away.  I felt with my hand on her heart exactly when she passed.  

I went on rambling.  I apologize 

Butch

[brat#2]

Gin, I know exactly how you feel.  I'm just starting having to go through different medical tests, had my 1st doctor's appointment in 10 years on the 21st and now of course, she wants all kinds of tests run.  I'm proud of you getting through them.  It is extremely difficult doing this alone and I get pretty anxious before I go, but I went this morning and had some of them done, but knew I wouldn't be able to walk all around the hospital, as I don't walk very well (that's reason I went to the doctor to start with) so I will be getting more done next week too.  It's also scary waiting for the results and then there are the triggers of being in the same hospital that Dale was in and went to for testing and seeing the same people who did his tests, they look at me like they know me, even thought it's been almost a year since I've been in there, but they don't say anything and just do what they are there for. I know I'm rambling but I just feel so alone the last couple of days.

Joyce

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Ana, I didn't take any personal offence at your post.  I agree with you that people who haven't had the experience of being widowed just don't get it.  They really don't know how their words can hurt.

Mitch, for me it isn't something I'm thinking of doing anytime soon.  I still have Gord deep in my heart.  I want to savour the memories without interference from anyone else.  I'm a one man woman and I'm certainly not done loving my Gord.

Marg, I'm still in that place of no family and no friends.  My time is very much spent alone.  Being isolated is not easy.  

Steve, I haven't been welcomed back into the 'other world' yet.  Must be that I'm contagious or something.   Need to make new friends... I need to go out instead of being home all the time.  It's too hard right now.

Thinking of your courage Gin.  And Kay, you are so wonderfully supportive.

Not a ramble Butch.  A lovely telling of your love.

Six months n and still in a fog of sadness.

Marita

[Guest]

Gin and Joyce -

I can relate.  With my latest episode it was the first time I was hospitalized in the same hospital that Deedo spent so much time.  Not only was it the same hospital but it was the same room that Deedo was in two years ago complete with most of the same nurses.  Fortunately the staff is so amazingly wonderful and compassionate that it was not as painful as it could have been.  This was also the first time I was hospitalized without Deedo by my side.  She was always my champion making sure that I was getting what I needed.  Quite obviously there were many triggers over the five days and more than one tears but it certainly could have been much worse.  The doctors and nurses were so kind; talking with me when I wished to share, having such compassionate and caring words, hugs when they were needed and smiles all of the time.  There were so many times I wanted to share with Deedo things that made me laugh, things that reminded me she's gone.  It was also so difficult being on an oncology ward interacting with others fighting their own battles, trying to be optimistic for them yet being tainted by my own reality.  We were so optimistic two years ago.  We were going to be that 1%.

[Margm]

Gin, Joyce, Marita, Brad, Butch:  My "run--on" fingers had put down a lot of words.  I delete them all.  I am speechless, and I know you all cannot believe that.  I want to cry, but it won't come.  Instead, I will get on with this endless packing.  My heart is with all of us.

I will say this, reading between the lines of all of our journeys alone, this is a powerful hurt.  

[Froggie4635]

Dear Marita,

Sudden loss will automatically put you into a deep fog...my husband, Mark died sudden and unexpectedly of a heart attack, and I know I felt in a fog about everything until about maybe 2 months ago.  I just passed 18 months since he has been gone.  Along with the fog has come a messed up brain.  Multi-tasking is no longer possible for me.  You are at 6 months...it is completely understandable and normal to feel in the fog.  I am probably at a point where I could try to do new things, but I don't want to get frustrated.  I had a driving lesson last month.  The instructor was working on teaching me to parallel park.  Well, when he was taking me step by step through it, I did it perfectly.  Then he asked me to do it again, and I could not remember a single step he had told me.  I completely spaced out.  I still have times where I space out; if I try and add something new to my morning routine, I forget to do something else.  I also feel like this loss has aged me.  When Mark was alive and we were together, I always felt so much younger than I actually was (and looked it).  Now, I lost that youthful feeling.  I am basically on autopilot.  Get up, take care of the dogs, go to work, come home, take care of the dogs, eat dinner, watch television and go to bed.  If I try and change things up too much, it is like I am thrown into turmoil, and lose what solid footing I have found.  The dogs keep me from being lonely...Mark and I were not very social people.  We kept each other company.  I miss his presence immensely...more than words can say.  Hugs to you.

[brat#2]

Brad, I'm sure that was difficult, but very glad the staff was compassionate and that your star wasn't as horrible as it could have been (not that you wanted to be there anyway).  I have been wondering how I would handle it if I were to have to have a stay in the hospital and like you said especially if I were to be in one the same rooms that Dale was in, but the staff was so great with him, so I'm sure they would be with me too.  This journey is so difficult by itself and then having to add our own medical issues to it, sometimes it seems impossible.  Glad you are back home and hopefully will be feeling much better.

Joyce

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you for your reply Maryann.  

Like you, Gord and I were very content to be home and didn't socialize much.  Together we didn't think we needed others.  So much of what you say is my/our story too. 

I work at home so at least I don't have to drive through the fog to get there.  Forgetful should be my name.

Hugs back to you.  I miss his hugs, I miss almost everything.

[kayc]

You all are going through so much, my heart goes out to you.  Wish there was something more we could do for each other besides listen and encourage, but I guess even that helps...just to be heard and know that someone understands and cares.

[Froggie4635]

Kay...

I think that is the MOST important thing.  When something difficult presents itself, we can either try and figure it out, or find a way to get it taken care of.  If it is not life threatening or affecting our finances, sometime we can just forget about it.  It is part of that learning to adapt.  Would it be better if they were still here to fix/take care of it.  You bet your bonnet.  But we no longer have that option, and that just plain sucks.