Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[Cookie]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

Speaking of which - leave Saturday to take the kids and grandkids to the Happiest Place on Earth.  I'll see how happy it can make me as it really was Deedo's favorite place on Earth.  Twelve of us for a week, everyone is super excited except for me and I have a reasonable amount of trepidation.

 

Doing this with your family will make it so wonderful I hope and think.....Cookie

[Cookie]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Well I look up to the sky and say to Billy, God and Jesus "I don't know."  What do I not know?  Well, I don't know how to proceed with anything.  Just saw a relative wondering about where money was coming from.  They need help.  I said I did not get my money till the 1st.  They said they were not asking for money.  And none of them ask for it, they are just used to letting me and Billy know they are in need.  We always came through.  So, Billy, Jesus, God, I need these people, and myself to have help, and with me it is not just money.  The fact is, I'm running as fast as I can.  My mom, last night had fell again.  No soft restraints unless there is a fulltime nurse.  Life sure gets complicated.  The thing is, if Billy was with me he could do no more than I can, but we could talk.  Now I talk to you all and no one can solve all my family's problems.  I miss Billy, but he is not here.  So, "I don't know anything."

Marg:  So sorry about your troubles.  The year before John died, my mother, who was 94, needed a lot of help and I would fly back and forth to California to take care of her.  It was very lonely and John wasn't there with me, but for some reason just knowing he was on the earth and I could talk to him on the phone made all the difference.  I so feel for you.  Life's problems really complicate this grief thing; it's just a little too much sometimes.  I'll be thinking of you; take care....warmly Cookie

[Gwenivere]

48 minutes ago, Cookie said:

I am constantly judging myself about how I'm doing; it's a constant dialogue in my head; one of the things that happens, though, is that as you get further out, even counselors start saying, maybe you should think about antiidepressants, making me feel like there is something wrong with feeling the way I do.  

I totally understand this, Cookie.  My caregivers do want to help, but I think I am becoming a challenge at 19 months.  I am on ADs and have been for years.  I don't want to take more because of side effects like added anxiety while or IF you adjust to them.  I know they mean well, but this is my journey.  I also don't have what many do like family or close local friends so I am solo on this.  I want to do more than function too.   I'd love to feel motivated and somewhat alive.  I have been brutally honest with my caregivers that we are all unique and I will tell them where I need help.  It's the being alone now after all this time that is having, I me, an opposite reaction.  I thought I was adapting last year because there were so many things to do.  This year I don't and am limited physically.  It's a bad combination.

i get so tired of people saying Steve would want me to be happy.  Of course he would!  But he would also know that is a hard goal to aspire to when you've lost a big part of the recipe.  It's not like substituting margarine for butter.  An ingredient is totally missing.  Things I also did last year are now hard because of physical limitations, so mortal as well as mental pain.  

[mittam99]

17 hours ago, Cookie said:

I am constantly judging myself about how I'm doing; it's a constant dialogue in my head; one of the things that happens, though, is that as you get further out, even counselors start saying, maybe you should think about antiidepressants, making me feel like there is something wrong with feeling the way I do.  It will be a year on June 13th and I still have so many dark days and anxiety, but I still function quite well, do everything, etc.  I have a hard time accepting the way I feel and just letting things take their course.  I feel like there are a lot of mixed messages.  I really want to feel better.....

Even though I made a post that contained my "personal report card", I do not constantly judge my progress. I just posted it that way to give my feelings on my "progress" after nearly 15 months. Cookie, here's the thing... I know we have people here that are in different places in their journey both in length of time and emotionally. Those who are in an emotionally bad place will take remarks like "pity party" or someone using a "personal report card" and be taken aback by it, maybe even appalled. The people who are in a different and somewhat more hopeful place read the same words in a different way. It's all your point of view.

Each of our journeys is our own, it's personal. All of us grieve in our own fashion. If I want to give myself a personal report card from time to time, I'll do it. If Marty feels like that can be problematic for others, I do understand. But, this is my journey and I'm doing it in a way that feels best/right to me. In life and especially in grief, we all beat to our own inner drummer. 

In terms of your counselors suggesting anti-depressants, in no way do I think they were saying "Cookie, what is wrong with you? You should be in a better place by now". They see a woman in deep pain emotionally and are looking for ways to have you feeling a little better. I think that's a pretty normal reaction.

The bottom line is that grieving a lost soul mate is like being lost in a rowboat in uncharted, shark infested waters. And from time to time that rowboat develops leaks and you need to figure out a way to fix them (on the fly) or you will be sunk! I think that's a pretty apt analogy.

No one should be the judge someone of else's way of handling their grief. Each day is our own. To do with it what we may.

Grief... the hard as hell journey no one wants to take.

[Margm]

When Billy and I separated a long time ago. We still were together and saw each other every day, but our error in life could not be mended, we thought.  I did not want to live without him but I did not want to live with him either.  Yet, there he was, still alive.  "I love you Margaret but I just don't like you."  Okay, I ask my single (not ever married) girlfriend "  "Who is going to change the oil in my car?"  Yeah, that was a big block in the road of life.  She looked at me dumbfounded and said "You will go to an oil changing place."  

So we are finding ways to live without them.  The guys on this forum are learning to do the things we women did, or they are learning to live without that "service."  It is not simple.  Life is horrifyingly grim.  It is lonesome in a sea of people.  There are those who will take advantage of our grief, they do it without a backward thought.  We have to be observant, very seriously observant.  Even Sears will take advantage.  So the boat has sprung a leak, the sharks are there.  Well, I just hope you carry plenty of chewing gum, or in my place, a lot of gorilla glue.  I cannot swim, so hopefully I won't have to go in the water.  

The sad thing is, we do have to find ourselves.  We did not want this, but we have no choice.  I cannot rely on Billy.  He is not coming back.  I don't like living without him, but he did say the one left must stay.  In the meantime, I have other family members that I cannot desert.  I am selfish.  It is hard making my way without Billy's help and I want to scream at all the outstretched hands and say "Leave me alone, let me just find my way and you find yours."  I eventually have to do that.  I cannot carry three families loads when I have to learn to carry my own.  We each have our own loads to bear.  We each have to learn to live without  our mate.  It is not easy.  It sounds sensible, but this is the most complicated life I never even dreamed a nightmare about.  And tell me what choice do we have?  Seriously, they are not coming back.  In the meantime, I have to go pay the rent on the apartment so I can go back to Hell's Kitchen and pay for it.  Also, if I write more, I am going to be here long enough to get skin grafts on my butt.  We do have to make a way.  Not to honor our mates, but the only other choice is to die ourselves.  Don't worry about that, it will happen soon enough. 

The last thought is, you can do it because you don't have a choice.

 

[mittam99]

27 minutes ago, Marg M said:

The sad thing is, we do have to find ourselves.

I think the sad thing is the fact that we are now in this new life without the one person that was our everything. Finding ourselves, finding meaning and purpose isn't so much sad as it is difficult and often feels downright impossible.

[Margm]

Without that one person I am lacking, I would not have to find myself.  No problem here except we are saying the same thing in different words. Semantics, that is all.  And I probably do feel sorry for myself sometimes.  I have a lot of feelings, we all do, that can be described in any number of ways.  Guess what?  They are all correct.  None of us are wrong.  We hurt, we try to help ourselves and if some small idea hits home with someone else, Eureka, we are all on the same track.  

[mittam99]

19 minutes ago, Marg M said:

We hurt, we try to help ourselves and if some small idea hits home with someone else, Eureka, we are all on the same track.  

That's the exact reason I post much of what I do here. Throw out enough ideas and maybe one or two little things I post will somehow strike a chord with another member. This whole community is filled with people not only looking for hope but many who try their best to give it.

 

[Margm]

Agree

[mittam99]

Marg, you mentioned feeling sorry for yourself sometimes. I seemed to have been misunderstood (or more likely didn't explain myself well) in an earlier post when I said I never have felt sorry for myself. I'm going to try again to explain what I meant. 

First of all, in no way was I saying my feeling somehow was "correct" and those feeling sorry for themselves were wrong in some way. Absolutely not. Just for whatever reason, even though this new life majorly sucks I try to avoid feeling sorry for myself. It just doesn't seem to serve a purpose other than reinforcing just how awful my life is. I mean, looking at the empty space in bed where my Tammy spent so much of her life pretty much is all the reminder I need that my life is dreadful, empty and mostly meaningless. Now that I think about it, I guess maybe I do feel sorry for myself, I just don't dwell on it.

Anyway, to all those who do feel sorry for themselves, I wish I could give you all a hug and let you know how amazing you all are. This journey we're all on takes so much strength and courage to face.

[iPraiseHim]

I am not sure of where to post this but I came across it last night in my you tube searches and it resonated with me on this grief level.

His life story is amazing.  How he copes with it is incredible.  Hopelessness:

 

 

[mittam99]

George, thank you for posting that video. 

------------- 

Why do I feel guilty about so many things? Maybe it's because I tend to be a perfectionist and want everything to be just right. I wanted to be the best husband I could be. And I loved Tammy with everything I had. Still, I always think about what I should've/could've done better. Tammy deserved no less and it hurts to think I wasn't always 100% unselfish, for example. Most will look at me as a pretty darn good husband, and I know I was, yet, did any of my words or actions over the years shorten Tammy's life somehow? On the other hand, people tell me that the way I cared for and loved Tammy probably prolonged her life. It just plays on my mind because I so want Tammy to still be here and happy and alive.

Just today I had one of those guilt ridden moments. The lampshades in our bedroom have darkened over the years and no matter how bright of a bulb I buy, it's still sort of dim. Today I decided it was time to get new lighter lampshades. But then, the guilt hit. Tammy always thought it was too dim in our room but I never gave too much thought to getting new lampshades to fix the issue. I was so wrapped up in taking care of Tammy's health issues and the simple fact was we didn't have money to buy many (if any) new things.  

So of course, I now feel guilty that I'm fixing the problem and Tammy won't be able to enjoy the brighter room.

Why am I so hard on myself?

[kayc]

Wow.  His message is inspiring, thank you for sharing that, George.

[iPraiseHim]

Mitch, our ice machine broke a few years ago and I never got around to getting it fixed. I would freeze quarts of ice and just ice pick it for cubes. My wife asked me several times to repair the ice makermbut I just never did.  About six months after her death, I bought 3 ice cube trays for $2 and so each time I get ice I am reminded that I could have done that when she was alive to make it easier for her. I realize that all of these little things are annoying reminders that she is gone.  They won't bring her back and did not cause or affect her death.  They are just more grief reminders.  Shalom - George

[mittam99]

Well, I put those new lamp shades on today and the room is quite a bit brighter. It's so weird how something like this can upset you but such is grief. I'm so mad at myself for not doing this a few years ago. Tammy always said it wasn't bright enough, so I'd buy higher wattage bulbs. Now, I know I should have replaced the shades instead. I feel so stupid and so guilty. A brighter room would have made Tammy happier and I didn't come through. I feel horrible.

I also took down the caricature of Tammy's late dad that Tammy had taped to the side of her lamp. Again, it felt weird doing that. Last time I took it down I wound up putting it back up. I mean, if Tammy is here in some way will she be upset I took it down?

Grief has me so sad, confused, and often,  discombobulated.

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

If you want to do something to honor Tammy...why not put the caricature in a nice frame and add it to any new decor.

[Cookie]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Well, I put those new lamp shades on today and the room is quite a bit brighter. It's so weird how something like this can upset you but such is grief. I'm so mad at myself for not doing this a few years ago. Tammy always said it wasn't bright enough, so I'd buy higher wattage bulbs. Now, I know I should have replaced the shades instead. I feel so stupid and so guilty. A brighter room would have made Tammy happier and I didn't come through. I feel horrible.

I also took down the caricature of Tammy's late dad that Tammy had taped to the side of her lamp. Again, it felt weird doing that. Last time I took it down I wound up putting it back up. I mean, if Tammy is here in some way will she be upset I took it down?

Grief has me so sad, confused, and often,  discombobulated.

So sad for you because I feel a lot of the same things.  You can't help but feel that, but you probably know that she wouldn't mind anything you did.  She loved you and probably loves you still.  Any of those changes hurt, though, I know.  Every time I change something I always wonder what John would think and I just want him to be here to do it with me...warmly Cookie

[kayc]

Collages are a good way to display something like that, you can add with it something that is more meaningful for you and combined they can have a good feel.

[mittam99]

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello all,

This is the one place I can come to and feel the way I feel.  Everyone has described the feeling in their own way and has spoken all my thoughts.   Tomorrow marks six months since my better half ended his life.  The pain is so intense that I just want to not feel.  If I could sleep forever...

I have my adult son living with me and I want/need to be 'here' for him, but I am not being 'here' for me.  I need comfort but I fear letting him know how badly I hurt - I worry as he has had suicidal thoughts off and on since he was 7 and he is 29 now.  

In this time of my life I really need a friend.  Someone I can trust, someone who will tell me that 'it is ok to feel the way I do', to just be compassionate.  But, suicide is what no one wants to think about, talk about, or hear about.  

I honestly came here to find the answers about dealing with feelings of Lonlieness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness.

Take care all.

[Gin]

Hi widowed by suicide,

i was married for 31 years when my husband left.  I went to a church group for widowed and divorced.  I met a divorced clergyman there and we ended up getting married.  He took his life within a year and a half.  His friends blamed me.  What a horror that was!  I know how you feel.  I then went to a group called Survivors of Suicide.  They helped, but it was such a trauma.  I always hoped that he would have left by divorce.  After 6 years I met the love of my life.  We were happily married for 16+ years.  Now he is gone, also.  It is a rough road and I hope you find some peace here.  At least understanding.

Gin

[kayc]

It is indeed a long hard road, an ongoing process that doesn't seem to end but it does evolve.  I hope you read, read, read here, not only in loss of spouse section but also check out the tools, behaviors, etc.  There is much to read on this site that can be helpful.  Here you know you will be heard and understood by someone here.

[mittam99]

For a long time, I was exercising and eating healthy and it made a difference. Now I'm not. I'm dealing with some physical problems that are limiting me and it's definitely affecting my emotions, which in turn, affects my grief healing

Dealing with the emotional pain of losing Tammy is so much harder when you're also in physical pain.

At least I know why I've had a setback and I'm going to do my best to get back to the positives.

[kayc]

I'm sorry to hear you have something going on physically.  I went through a year of injuries after losing my job and then a year of medical conditions, it definitely makes life more of a struggle and affects everything when you're in pain.

[Margm]

Mitch, sometimes I read all the setbacks, all the suffering and I think "I'm so glad I am doing better, I am not happy but I have a goal."  But, the past two days those goals are slapping me around.  I am so fortunate to have family around, even though I gripe about them a lot, more than I should.  But, our son has lived with us most of his life.  Even after marriage we had to insist they get on their own.  Billy apologized to Scott when he was dying for never teaching him to live on his own.  Apologized for being an enabler.  And, that is what we are, what we have been.  The 15th is the day they will leave in the RV.  He has a girlfriend he has been with about `10 years.  His marriage, his drug use, his grown kids, they are all in the past and still part of his life. (His family, not the drugs.) This girlfriend has her own problems that I cannot contend with.  He has learned to contend with them over the years but two women in the same kitchen, same house really, does not make for a happy life for either of them.  I don't know if they will make it together.  They have for this long and I sure do not want to be a sticker under their saddle, so to speak.  What it amounts to is that neither of us have ever been on our own.  It has to happen, but he feels he is letting his dad down by leaving me.  And me?  Well, I am very depressed.  He has taken his dad's place in taking care of helping me, but the fact remains I am alone.  When we lose our mates we are all alone, no matter how many people are around us.  I cannot separate my things from theirs until they leave.  Then I still have to separate the things that were left from all the other people we have enabled over our 54 years together.  We wanted a life of our own and finally we were going to have it, but that was not to be.  

I am so much better off than most people, and I don't mean just financially.  We did build a safety net during those 54 years, thanks to Billy's insistence that when I worked I never drew my retirement out.  My sister, a teacher, every time she would go to another job she would pull her retirement out.  Now she has an exceptional education, but when you are in her position, no money is still no money and it does not matter how much education you have,  

Now I find myself terribly afraid.  All my bravado has disappeared.  I said I had never been on my own before, I sounded brave, but I still was not alone.  I do not have to be alone, but I do have to make myself be independent.  I don't know how.  Somehow I have never felt Billy's absence as much as I do all these many months later.  

I admired Eleanor Roosevelt so much.  I cannot understand why I cannot carry on with the attitude I had below.  

I will take my granddaughter to see some super hero movie in Hot Springs in a few hours.  Sometimes we think "what a difference a day makes" and maybe this is what I will need.  As far as Eleanor's quote below, I hope I can pull myself together to practice what she preached.  I am such a wuz.