mittam99 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2016 Steve, thank you for that wonderfully written and enlightened post! That really helped. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 15, 2016 Report Share Posted June 15, 2016 Oh Mitch you're so easy to help. You hear what others say and you pay it forward. Your journey has made you stronger though I know at times you would question that. We are grateful for your input and value your support. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 Wow, I am really wrestling with this whole changing bedding situation. I was pretty much back and forth all night trying to figure out what to do. It's really playing on my mind. It probably doesn't help that I'm off this week from work and I'm home 24/7. Hopefully, some members here will have some thoughts to post after they read my words. I've been trying to "spruce up" the house over the past few months. During the last few years much of our time and money was spent dealing with Tammy's health issues. Now alone, I have the time and a few bucks to spend (here and there) to fix things around this old house. I'm working on the master bedroom now. The only thing I was thinking of changing was the bedding and the curtains. The comforter is looking pretty shoddy these days. Here's the problem... Tammy's Lupus and other conditions meant she suffered from extreme fatigue. She spent most of her time in our bed. When I lay in bed, or even look at the bed, I think of Tammy. I actually picked out that comforter but Tammy adored it. Unfortunately, it looks terribly worn these days. So I bought a new set in similar colors. Put it on yesterday afternoon and it looked great... but... it just didn't feel right. I like sleeping in bed knowing Tammy slept on those pillows and used that comforter. So, I took the new set off and put it in the closet. But it didn't end there... All yesterday evening, it bothered me. Tammy didn't like it when I wasted money of stuff, nor do I. Steve mentioned in a post that there needs to be a point when you make changes for yourself, knowing that Tammy would be OK with it because she loves me and wants me to be happy. So, even though I had just put the old bedding set back on, I made the switch to the new set again! Well, that lasted about two hours and I switched it back to the old again. By this point I'm worn out. How many times can you lift mattresses in a day? As you can see, I'm really confused and this is causing considerable angst. I don't know what to do. In a way, putting on the new set had me wondering if I was somehow "moving on" and forgetting Tammy. Not that it would ever happen, just wondering. At the same time, the new set looked good and Tammy was all about changing things up for a fresh look. I think I'm just stuck in the thought that being in that bed will feel bad/wrong because I'm losing some of Tammy's "essence" in it. Does that make sense to anybody? It's like I'm throwing Tammy out of bed or something. I know that sounds nuts, but grief will do that to you. Your thoughts and gracious words needed... Mitch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 Mitch - I wish I could say something that would make it feel better. I understand what you are saying though. Dale didn't sleep in our bed for the last 10 years as it hurt his back too much, so he slept on the couch. To this day, I haven't moved his pillows (although I did take one of his pillows to sleep with) or the blanket he used off the couch. It does feel like you are removing some of their essence. I'm sorry you are struggling with this so much, but I think Tammy will eventually send you a sign that it is ok to change the bedding, that you are not throwing her out and as long as she is in your heart and soul, she will be there with you. Sending you hugs Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 It is just a thought Mitch, but what if you put the new comforter at the foot of the bed. Perhaps you will slowly accept the new look and it won't feel like you are removing Tammy's essence. I hope you feel less stress today. Marita 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 My thought...put the new comforter on the bed and have the old one recovered by a quilter or seamstress. If you don't have the money right now, save it until you do. Meanwhile use the old one as a throw when you watch t.v. or listen to music. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 Mitch: With my first check after Billy passed away I went to J.C. Penney's and bought a $70 purse. I have a lot of business I have to take around in a purse. I did not buy it because of a name (still don't know the name). It was not bought because of beauty, but for strength and durability. You see, purses were always gifts from my kids so I never worried about buying them. At the thrift store in Mount Ida for $1 or for 50 cents you could buy name brands, big ones, little ones, etc. I never bought a substantial purse. When I paid for it I cried in front of the girl who sold it to me. It came from Billy's death money. Our bed is coming apart in places on the mattress. We have always used a mattress pad, a big soft one, but the mattress itself is probably over 20 years old. I hope it moves without coming apart. I still have Billy's pillows separate. They will stay on his side of the bed, providing the mattress does not fall apart. The point is, moving or using anything of theirs is a disaster from the start. My purse is Billy's purse, though he would say "That sure is not my purse." It is taking me so long to move because little things like finding the many boxes with the Neosporin in them slows me down. Why not just throw them away? I cannot, Billy bought them, Billy lost them, Margaret found what Billy lost. I even found the pillow corsage and note bought 54 years ago June 25th at Scott's birth telling me how happy he was. I have to let nostalgia hide in the background if I am ever going to get moved. It is a hard thing to do. Nostalgia is an emotion too. It can bring happy memories, sad, disappointed, angry, bitter or gut wrenching. (It is also taking me a long time because I need to be in three places at once. Superwoman, I am. Plastic man, I am not. I bought some new things that Billy will never use. It was with some sadness, but the new futon will be used by many relatives for a bed. The small dinette replaces the big round claw footed oak table used for years that is meant to be handed down. Eventually my granddaughter will have it.. It will last through many generations. The big sign my daughter bought Billy that says in big letters "A turkey hunter lives here" will be placed in the living room where his fancy hunting hats will hang on, it is a hat rack too. Mitch, I know how you hate the two words "move on" so I am not moving on, I am just moving over. We are all gonna make it. Maybe a whole lot sadder, more morose than happy, but we will find a way to live, somehow. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 3 hours ago, Marg M said: Mitch, I know how you hate the two words "move on" so I am not moving on, I am just moving over. We are all gonna make it. Maybe a whole lot sadder, more morose than happy, but we will find a way to live, somehow. I sure hope you are right in this, Marg. And 'move on' is NOT part of my vocabulary. Moving over sounds better. I'd just settle for moving. I hate when I get emotionally stuck like I am right now. Crying has come back big time and when that happens I get absolutely nothing done I slightly enjoy. The sadness takes over everything. I'm not asking for much, but it would be nice to actually like eating, playing with the dogs, enjoying sunshine (we wait a long time for that in Seattle) or watching a TV show. Sleeping and feeling rested to deal with this would be nice too. But for now I watch other people doing those things and more and think.....wow, how I miss that. Can't even remember what it felt like. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 Mitch, I don't know what to suggest. I haven't gone through such a situation because I left the apartment we were renting soon after his passing. My circumstances were different to most people here. I guess that if you could find a balanced solution and keep both you would feel fine. What if you search on internet for ideas about how to recycle a comforter? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 There is something called a duvet cover that you use like a pillow slip, only it is a coverlet slip. Maybe you could just use that and place the comforter inside the duvet cover and just keep using it. It would change things, but inside it would still be the same. Just an idea. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 Thank you for all your thoughful words and ideas. You guys are awesome. I'm going to go ahead and use the new bedding set. I know Tammy would be ok with that. Like every other change or decision though, nothing comes easy or without anguish. Last night I was confused and in turmoil. Now I feel at peace with this decision. This feels like one of those "moving forward" moments in my grief journey. Truth is, things like bedding, are just that, things. Tammy touched and used many things in this house and most are still here and aren't going anywhere. And the most important "thing" that Tammy touched was me. She touched my heart and my soul. And I plan on living with Tammy as a part of me for the rest of my life. Isn't that what really matters? This is just another small step I've taken on my journey. I think I'm now past the baby steps stage and have taken my first "toddler step". I believe Tammy would be proud. And hey, she can check out the new comforter and pillows anytime she wants. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 I'm so glad to hear you are confident with your choice Mitch. Tammy will be smiling knowing you are taking care of yourself. Our paths on this grief journey is rockier at some times and easier going at others. Some of it is climbing, some is decline and some is flat - why can't we have easier going flat ground more often. These rough times are so draining in every way. It's good to know that eventually the bad times don't last as long and are less frequent as time passes. Take great care of yourselves everyone. Marita 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 Marita, I love your analogy of up, down and flat. Seems they are often peaks and valleys with little flatland between. I'm still waiting for the bad times to be less frequent. Time moves so slow when we are alone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 10 hours ago, mittam99 said: Truth is, things like bedding, are just that, things. Tammy touched and used many things in this house and most are still here and aren't going anywhere. And the most important "thing" that Tammy touched was me. She touched my heart and my soul. And I plan on living with Tammy as a part of me for the rest of my life. Isn't that what really matters? This is just another small step I've taken on my journey. I think I'm now past the baby steps stage and have taken my first "toddler step". I believe Tammy would be proud. And hey, she can check out the new comforter and pillows anytime she wants. What a wonderful awareness. Things are in fact just things. Tammy being part of you is indeed all that matters. Sometimes I feel like we are living parallel lives Mich. Sheets were my first venture. Then came the comforter and the bolsters and pillows. When I was done, I looked at it all and realized I had not made that decision all on my own. I was a guy effected by living with and loving someone so much that I was now a product of two people. Kathy may not be with me physically but in a very special way, she still touches me. Yes Tammy would be proud and now every decision you make changing "things" may give you cause to ask her what she thinks of your choice, knowing quite well what the answer would be. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 7 minutes ago, KATPILOT said: What a wonderful awareness. Things are in fact just things. Tammy being part of you is indeed all that matters. Sometimes I feel like we are living parallel lives... Thanks Steve. I was thinking about your "parallel lives" comment. You know, let's face it, we're guys who've lost our beloved wives. That makes us pretty unusual here at the forum. We probably make up less than 10% of the regular posters here. Ladies, you have us outnumbered and surrounded... we surrender. Grief is grief so to speak but I do think that guys have to deal with a somewhat different set of changes than the women do. And because we are such a "rare commodity" here at the forum, I think our voice is important, and hopefully, helps. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 It is important to have the man's view. Where is Brad? Is he okay? Occasionally Kevin surfaces too. We appreciate all of you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 Been wondering myself Marge. I know he was at Disneyland with the grand kids but should be home about now. I sent him a message but if he is on the trip still he might not be online. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 I think from time to time and for various reasons, people may just be reading and not posting. There are some days, personally, I just don't have anything enlightening to contribute. On the other hand, there are days I feel like I post non-stop and even give the mighty Marg and Kay a run for the money! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 Mitch I think that men in general have a hard time being on a site such as this. In my grief support group I noticed how many more women were there as opposed to men and most of them were with their wives trying to cope with the loss of a child. I myself was in a state of shock at first. I was numb and interpreted it as being strong enough to deal with it on my own. I couldn't see what was happening to me until I collapsed on the floor in my kitchen. During that time, Hospice kept calling and sending my literature to remind me that counseling was available to me at no charge for a year. I gave in and called. My counselor Joyce was at my house the next morning. Then I started going to group. That first day when it was my turn to speak, I could barely get my name out and the name of the wife I had lost. Later I would see new people come in and have the same problem. That is when you start to feel the pain of others. That's when you begin to understand that your not alone and somehow this man began to let himself grieve and start the road to healing. I think most men just have a harder time allowing themselves to be seen as weak and vulnerable. The one's that get past the initial shock and find a band aid as in another woman, haven't a clue. Now let me say I am not judging anyone for falling in love again. We are all different but when it happens that a man who loved his wife dearly falls into another relationship after a few months? Well, "red flags". That's a train wreck just waiting to happen. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 15 minutes ago, mittam99 said: I think from time to time and for various reasons, a lot of us may just be reading and not posting. There are some days, personally, I just don't have anything enlightening to contribute. You are right about that Mitch but we as a family here tend to worry about each other don't we? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 For those who are interested: How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences ♥ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 Steve you talked about guys having a hard time showing their vulnerability and that's true. We were brought up to be the "strong one" and to "have a stiff upper lip" to a degree. I guess I'm unusual in that I grew up with two sisters (no brothers) and was close to my mom and my grandmother and had a bunch of female friends. I've never been afraid to show my emotions. Matter of fact, I learned a long time ago not to keep my feelings bottled up inside. Allowing them to "fester" inside can be quite unhealthy, IMO. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 Well, guys...there are some women (me) who were taught/ treated badly when emotions were shown. I remember the first time I came home from school and someone had hurt my feelings and I cried to my mom, looking for comfort and understanding. Well THAT didn't happen, so I was taught that emotions were no good in our house. The only time I remember my mom crying, was when I was moving out of the house and she was crying because I was leaving HER and she didn't understand why I had to go away. The night my brother and I had taken my mom to the ER, and she was diagnosed with cancer I cried all alone. It is not always men who LEARN to not show emotions. I remember the day I had to put down my Annie, and I fell into Mark's arms. I finally knew what it felt like to be comforted. I, for one, am so glad to be in the presence of such truly understanding and comforting gentlemen. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted June 17, 2016 Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 FYI Brad is home now but is having a bit of a health issue so he's been laying back but doing pretty well. He did say he had a great time. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2016 27 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said: It is not always men who LEARN to not show emotions. Maryann... I certainly hope you knew I wasn't implying that it was only men that hide their feelings inside. All I know is when I was young I did exactly that. And it didn't work. At some point, those emotions would build up and I would basically explode. In grief it's even more important to vent and let your feelings be heard. And not just heard... understood. Here at the forum, that understanding and empathy can be the difference between having a good or bad day. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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