Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[mittam99]

George, grief is such a moment to moment roller coaster. I think that's why it's so hard to realistically gauge our own progress. Today was a good example. Work went very well and (knock on wood) the abdominal pain I've been experiencing has been very tolerable. I found myself laughing at some of the stuff I was watching on TV.  Really felt like the day was going rather well. Then, something very minor that was said on TV set me off on a gut wrenching burst of tears and anguish. In that moment, it felt like it was a year ago and I was in the early stages of my grief journey.

The difference is, I've come to learn that these grief bursts aren't really setbacks; it's just the ebb and flow of my life without Tammy. I recover from them much more quickly than I did. Still, when they happen, you do wonder if you're going backwards but I really don't think that's the case. It's all part of the learning aspect of grief. It's an education none of us voluntarily enrolled in.

[Gwenivere]

I have no choice but to accept Steves death.  Its the only thing that explains living in this hell day after day.  Every illusion I once may have had is gone.  Finding a reason to move forward is my huge problem as I can't find reason to yet.  I'm still trying to get thru each day knowing this is a forever deal as long as I live.  I'm finding acceptance the hardest stage and it is not the finale people think it is that do not know what we go thru.  In fact, this is the most painful place I have been on this journey.  No matter what I do to fill time, when that ends I am in the reality of truly knowing I will never see him again.  I pulled weeds for an hour tonight, felt the physical pain and as bad as it is, it doesn't come close to sitting here right now without him.

[mittam99]

50 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

  No matter what I do to fill time, when that ends I am in the reality of truly knowing I will never see him again.  I pulled weeds for an hour tonight, felt the physical pain and as bad as it is, it doesn't come close to sitting here right now without him.

I hear you, Gwen. We do things, we accomplish tasks, we try to keep our mind in a "good" place. Unfortunately, the reality is, when all is said and done, we are alone and living in a world we never wanted. And the life we really want, we can't get back.

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm just beyond the six month mark and I so agree with so much of what you have written Mitch - none of us chose this empty life.  

I miss my husband more than I thought possible.  I miss our life, as simple as it was.  I am lost when it comes to living without him.  

When I need to do the things that he normally looked after I am so ill prepared - 'bleed an injector?', where is the injector on this tractor?  I am now living a physically more challenging life on our 5 acres with fencing to maintain, animals to care for, and an adult son who is struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  I'm not receiving much money as I didn't work and my husband's employer said that I am not eligible for the life insurance benefit - the lawyer I saw agrees.  Does anyone choose this kind of life?  

We didn't think we needed many other people in our lives because often those 'people' brought trouble with them.  Almost everything we did we did it together.   

• I know he is gone and not coming back.  If that is acceptance then fine, just don't expect me to be happy about it.
• Get over it.  Over what exactly?  Am I expected to erase the memories and feelings of nearly 50 years of life?  
• Move on.  Now that's rich!!  Do you really think I have any choice in how I am going to live?  I go to bed alone every night hoping to see my husband in my dreams - and that has only happened twice.  Then, I have to get up every morning knowing that the person that I looked forward to being with for the rest of 'my life' ended his life.  

I think that I should have a t-shirt with the above three paragraphs printed on the back of it.  Then when someone makes the seemingly, ignorant statements they can read my reply as I turn to walk away from them.  

Thanks for putting up with my rant.  But, more importantly; thank you all for sharing and helping me on this unwanted journey.

Marita

[KATPILOT]

1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

 

• I know he is gone and not coming back.  If that is acceptance then fine, just don't expect me to be happy about it.
• Get over it.  Over what exactly?  Am I expected to erase the memories and feelings of nearly 50 years of life?  
• Move on.  Now that's rich!!  Do you really think I have any choice in how I am going to live?  I go to bed alone every night hoping to see my husband in my dreams - and that has only happened twice.  Then, I have to get up every morning knowing that the person that I looked forward to being with for the rest of 'my life' ended his life.  

I think that I should have a t-shirt with the above three paragraphs printed on the back of it.  Then when someone makes the seemingly, ignorant statements they can read my reply as I turn to walk away from them.  

 

Nice Marita.  Really nice.

[mittam99]

Marita, I just wanted to say that your post was amazingly well written. It's not always easy to put our painful emotions into words. I particularly found your t-shirt idea to be rather intriquing.

You also talked about your "simple" life with your husband and I wanted to touch on that. Tammy and I didn't have an extravagant lifestyle. We didn't travel the world or drive fancy cars. But we were far richer than most other couples because we had each other and a love for the ages. Whether we were watching TV, eating a meal, playing a video game or simply talking, it was a joyful thing. Because of Tammy's health problems, something as basic as taking a drive in the car together was rare and so very special to both of us. Sitting at a table in a restaurant with my sweet wife made me feel so loved and so blessed. It felt good being there (surrounded by other couples and families) and being with the one person that completed you. You felt like you "fit in".

Now it feels so different being alone and not really having a clear picture of your identity.

And the hardest thing is... going from a couple to a single. We've all lost our anchor and we've set sail on a frightening journey into the unknown. How do we navigate these rough waters and somehow steer our journey to a happy place? It's kind of hard to see where you're going when tears are constantly blurring your vision!

I guess the only thing we can do is get up in the morning and take each day as it comes. Some days will be ok, but many will be filled with utter sadness and much pain. Some days we will question why we even bothered getting out of bed. But somehow, we must go on. And the best way I've found to do that is to live my life with Tammy and her love in my heart. By doing that, she stills lives on and walks beside me with every step I take.

[kayc]

Marita,

My place little resembles what it looked like when my husband was alive.  I'm not able to climb on ladders and am totally mechanically impaired, and do NOT have a green thumb and the yard shows it.  But somehow I've survived.  I've had to make a lot of decisions on my own, things I would have talked over with George are now all mine to decide about.  I've made some mistakes but I've done a lot of things right.  Job hunts, hiring contractors, losing pets, etc. and yet I've gotten through it, I'm still here.

About bleeding the injectors (??) do you have a brother, a neighbor, someone from church, anyone you could ask to show you?  If not, there are youtube videos that show almost everything.

[mittam99]

First of all, let me preface what I'm about to post with the fact that we all are pretty sensitive in our new lives alone in grief. We're all trying to find our way and trying to cope while the pain of our loss is raging. Not easy in any way. And we need all the love and support we can get, especially when the those moments hit when the anguish is almost too much to bear.

I haven't been posting much in the past few days. I've just been feeling so sad and lonely and so hurt by something that happened here at the forum. Friday would have been Tammy's 47th birthday and I made a heartfelt post regarding that late Thursday night. I was so taken aback by the lack of interest in that post that it bewildered me. I guess I mistakenly thought that members here would post many comforting messages and the day wouldn't be quite as painful. George and Kay and Bill did respond and I'm grateful. But, I have to admit, I was hurt that no one else seemed to care. 

I have nothing in my life. Nothing but pain and heartache. Yet, I try to respond often to others in pain with words I hope will help. I've reached out to dozens of members here privately to let them know I'm here for them if they need help.

I've posted loving words about my Tammy all over the board. Not just to honor her but also in the hope that she can be an inspiration to others by the courageous way she lived her life in the face of vast challenges.

I'll get over this hurt. I'm living through a much much bigger hurt, daily. But, it certainly makes me wonder if the roles were reversed and you made a heartfelt post on the birthday of the person who made your life worth living and no one seemed to care, how would you react?

After all, I thought this grief forum was about giving comfort to those in pain and not causing them to grieve in another way.

I wasn't going to post this but I know that I needed to, for my own peace of mind. And I needed to post this for Tammy.

[Margm]

I'm terribly sorry Mitch.  You are a very caring person. .  Again, I am sorry.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch...

I am sorry that I did not get a chance to read your post...I guess I just do not venture very often outside of this category.  Had I known, I would have sent you a message and a hug...those special dates just wait to tear open our heart again.  I have not seen you post in a bit; I know you were not feeling well physically, and I thought perhaps you were resting and letting yourself get better.  Sorry you were hurt.

[mittam99]

Marg, I wasn't posting about my hurt and confusion for any reason other than I consider members here family. I know you have an incredible amount on your plate as do many here. But, it just felt like an abandonment in a way just like I've felt in my "real world".

Tammy felt abandoned by many as she became more and more incapacitated. And for that reason, it hurt even more.

Maryann, I posted in the " Special Days" forum because the description said it all...

I posted Thursday night in hopes I could read messages of comfort on Friday. As it turned out, Friday was a terrible, painful, tearful day. All I could muster was a hand written birthday card I put on Tammy's pillow. 

[Margm]

Mitch, I wish you peace.  I wish us all peace. 

[mittam99]

I too wish us all peace, as well as some sense of comfort.

And days filled with increasingly less pain and suffering.

And hopefully... a life that actually has meaning.

And most of all, a life that truly feels worth living versus just going through the motions and living life with as much zeal and passion as a zombie.

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, I honestly do not recall reading a post about Tammys birthday.  I just read back and don't see it in this thread.  i know that birthdays are very hard.  I'm sorry you felt abandoned.  You must know no one here would ever do that deliberately to you or anyone else.  We are a family.  

[mittam99]

Gwen, I didn't think it was appropriate to post it in a thread about meaninglessness, so I posted in the more appropriate "Special Days" forum as I previously mentioned.

[Gwenivere]

Again, I am sorry, Mitch.  I only read the spouse forum.  I would have looked there if I had known.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Dear Mitch,

I am so sorry that after all your positive and helpful comments that have helped me I wasn't there to give you the support and encouragement you needed and deserve.  

I know this post wasn't received when you would have benefited most but please know that you have my heartfelt thanks and my sincere apology.  My last ten days have been spent wallowing in my own grief without much concern for others.  There have been days where I haven't logged on and therefore have missed your posts.  I know that when I have been deep in my grief you have helped me see to feel better.  What I do know is that your life has been completely shattered with Tammy's death.  Your deep love for her will endure, and her love for you is missed with an almost unbearable intensity.  I wish I had the words that would lift you up, my depression isn't very helpful.

I offer you my prayers; I hope for you the peacefulness that your mind craves, the knowledge that you are the best spouse anyone could wish for, the physical health that will help you to feel better, the wisdom to help keep moving forward on this devastating journey, and the courage to keep going day by day or moment by moment, which ever you are able at the time.

Please take good care of yourself, I believe this would be what Tammy would want.

Marita

[KarenK]

Mitch,

I am so sorry that few acknowledged your post and left your hurting even more. I did not see it as I rarely venture outside of the "Loss Of Spouse" forum. That is my shortcoming. Please know that I understand. Your love for Tammy shines through every post you make.

[Gin]

Mitch,. I only read from this forum, also.  So sorry.  You have been so thoughtful to so many.  I am sure no one wanted to hurt you and forget about Tammy.  Please forgive.  These days are so hard.  

Gin

[KATPILOT]

Mitch I understand how you feel and I am so sorry I missed that one too. Happy birthday to Tammy though late it is.  I must say that at times things fly by that I miss. Last week I was not on as much as I usually am because of work demands and it doesn't take much to miss something. I hope you know how everyone feels about you and your bride but sometimes this just happens. There have been times when I thought I would get a response about something and little was said. People have shown me that they care about things I have posted so I gave it little thought. It's like being in a large room full of people you know and not all of them grip everything every one is saying when so many voices are speaking at once. I try and respond when I remember certain days that are important to other members but there are so many and as I am still working sixty hour weeks, I come here several times a day for a few minutes at a time and there are many posts I miss. Few people have commented about Kathy's birthday over the years but that doesn't mean they don't care about me just like they care about you my friend.

[mittam99]

Steve, thanks for the thoughtful words. I know that members here probably simply didn't see the topic. I could have made a new topic in the spouse forum but I already have started a number of them and the "Special Days" forum seemed a perfect fit. I also know there are times we are wrapped up in our own situation and our own misery and sometimes those blinders are on and we can't deal with others pain. I'm guilty of that from time to time myself. 

I try to honor Tammy at any chance I get. She wasn't just my perfect wife and my soul mate, she was my inspiration. My life.

It's important to me that others know about Tammy. The world was a better and genuinely happier place when she was in it.

 

[KATPILOT]

Yes it was a better place with Tammy in it. How well I understand that for Kathy was the best of us two. I often wonder why those people, I mean the good ones, leave while so many horrible people live on. I even wonder why I was left behind for she did so much good for so many and what had I done?  I tell you what, I live today and honor Kathy by trying to do things for others as she did.  Every time I stop to look at a person I could help or an animal especially. I do something cause she can't.  That is how I honor her because that is who she was.

I started this little one man organization for Kathy because it was what she had wanted to do but we ran out of time. It is designed to help those who can't afford an operation for their pet dog or cat.  I have only helped twice so far for I had a long climb to get past the medical bills and such but hopefully now that can change.

[scba]

On Tuesday, June 07, 2016 at 11:15 AM, Marg M said:

 

Dear Mitch,

I'm sorry I have missed your post. I rarely read other sections of this forum beyond loss of a spouse. I must also say that I'm not very good at remembering dates of any kind . I probably would have failed to remember even if you posted in this section. Again I'm sorry,  .

. your love for Tammy, and Tammy of course, trascendes death. At the same time, the world was a better place when she, and all of our spouses, were in it. I agree. 

Ana 

[scba]

Dear George,

It is very nice from you to having set up such initiative, I wish you all the best with it.

I too wonder why the good ones are gone and so horrible people are around. People planning horrible crimes and they don't even have a heart attack to stop them. 

[kayc]

Ana,

I don't think there's any rhyme or reason.  I don't think we're selected by how good/bad we are, like parents say, life's not fair.