kayc Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 Marg, The only reason it scares you to be on your own is because you haven't done it before, you will be okay. You'll see! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 Kay, I don't understand me at all. I have had all this bravado. I can do this, I am brave, I am a forward thinking woman, I am Eleanor Roosevelt. I think about my friend (who I got angry with, but not to her face) whose husband had died and she remarried. We had got her husband and her together when we were dating. He died from cancer also. We raised our kids together, we remained friends all these years, she remarried. I made snide remarks (in my head), not to her face. Her poor husband, the new one, has been dying all these years since they married. I did not envy her at all, but she said "now you can find yourself." Kay, I don't remember a "yourself" that was not married. Now I have real fear. I cannot remember being this afraid. This is not me. I am sure it will pass. I am not moved yet. I cannot find me a shrink in between here and Louisiana. I might find a Voodoo practitioner and at this point I might look for one. You know me, you know I will get over this, and I hate to show I am human. I wonder if Superwoman wears Depends now? I wonder if Wonder Woman has to have a cane to help her walk. I have not reached either of those stages yet, but I feel them creeping up on me. Damn, it is very downgrading to find out you are human after-all. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 2 hours ago, Marg M said: I am so much better off than most people, and I don't mean just financially. We did build a safety net during those 54 years, thanks to Billy's insistence that when I worked I never drew my retirement out. My sister, a teacher, every time she would go to another job she would pull her retirement out. Now she has an exceptional education, but when you are in her position, no money is still no money and it does not matter how much education you have, Finances... that's another one of those things rarely discussed here but still an issue that affects many of us in grief. As Marg said, some are better off than others. Tammy and I didn't have high paying jobs. We lived paycheck to paycheck. Often, we'd have to choose between food or something "extra" like how many of Katie's school pictures we could afford. When Tammy's health worsened and I needed to start buying mega expensive wound care supplies for home, we were pretty much broke. We bought a product called Aquacel AG that was over $100 for just one 8 inch pad. We bought special ($60+ for a small jar) manuka honey from New Zealand because it was supposed to have anti-MRSA properties. We had better wound care supplies than some of our local hospitals! Between the stress of Tammy's failing health, and the stress of not knowing if we could pay bills, life was tough. What got us by was our love of each other. If love counted as money we would have been trillionaires! Fast forward to my life of grieving... Tammy had an insurance policy but unfortunately it lapsed and she lost all that she had paid in. I'm living on a part time job and a small amount (4 checks a year) I get from Social Security survivors benefits. I basically make enough to pay my bills but if something major needs fixing or replacing, I'm pretty much screwed. I plan on working 'til I'm 66 and then collecting my social security, but, my benefit isn't much. It's very scary, wondering if I'll be able to afford things in the future. And it sucks not having Tammy here to talk about things. Well, I do talk to her from time to time but she doesn't respond back (must be one of those rules of heaven). Worrying about money is just an added stress that makes an already stressful and sad life that much harder. As hard as this life of grief is, we all need to pat ourselves on the back for just getting out of bed in the morning. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 5 hours ago, kayc said: I went through a year of injuries after losing my job and then a year of medical conditions, it definitely makes life more of a struggle and affects everything when you're in pain. I found the same for me, Kay. Months after Steve left and I had done all the hard estate settling and changeover to me, my body betrayed me in so many ways. One thing after another. You become so beaten down physically that dealing wit the mental aspect becomes truly overwhelming. I spent years In good health as his caregiver. Now I am mine and I don't care about me as much as I did him. I'm too worn out fighting medical needs. So I suffer a lot. I've done the thing of pursuing treatments since he left and if that if what my life is going to be.....well, it's not very encouraging. It's also hard to separate how much is stress and reaction to it. The docs all have pills and tests. Sooooo many of them. My social life would be medical if I did and went to every specialist they come up with and trips to the hospital got more testing. It's also hard because specialists on,y see thier area. They can't connect dots with the others. You ask if it could be tied to something else and they say you would have to go see them. I want to be seen as a whole, not parts. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 4 hours ago, Marg M said: You know me, you know I will get over this, and I hate to show I am human. I wonder if Superwoman wears Depends now? I wonder if Wonder Woman has to have a cane to help her walk. I have not reached either of those stages yet, but I feel them creeping up on me. Damn, it is very downgrading to find out you are human after-all. Marg, You are cracking me up! I laughed so hard out loud when I read this line that I thought I broke something! My wife was a superwoman and she did wear Depends. It was a very humbling step for her but you just deal with life as it comes. By your sharing what you are going through, It helps you and others, like me, to realize we are not alone. I have hesitated sharing when I started to feel better because I noticed that when I did, Life would smack me back down. What I understand at this point in my grief journey is life happens and we just need to deal with, as honestly and realistically as we can. Hang in there. I see much progress in your grief journey. You truly know what is best for you each day. No apologies and no excuses. Thank you for your humor and levity. I need it to not take myself so seriously. Shalom George 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 7 hours ago, mittam99 said: For a long time, I was exercising and eating healthy and it made a difference. Now I'm not. I'm dealing with some physical problems that are limiting me and it's definitely affecting my emotions, which in turn, affects my grief healing Dealing with the emotional pain of losing Tammy is so much harder when you're also in physical pain. At least I know why I've had a setback and I'm going to do my best to get back to the positives. Mitch, I completely understand. I stopped taking the vitamins, Greens, Iodine supplements, Kefir, Etc. and I noticed an immediate decline in my health, mental acuity, and physical stamina. I thought it didn't matter much but it really does. My emotion are all over the place as well. So I started back to ding those things that helped even when I don't feel like it. I will be posting shortly in my activity stream a new discovery that may help you and others. Shalom - George 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 This is sort of off-topic (slightly grief related)... I've been noticing something curious recently. I was watching some episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies the other day, and it struck me as odd that Granny didn't look as old as I remembered her. I've been noticing that more and more. People seem to be looking younger or maybe grief has sped up my aging and I'm rapidly looking older! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 2 hours ago, iPraiseHim said: Marg, ... I see much progress in your grief journey. Marg, I have to agree with George on this. I remember when you first joined us. I was so worried about that "wordy" Southern lady that had just lost her Billy. You were beyond devastated. I felt despair in everything you wrote. Now, I see a woman with tremendous strength and an abundance of courage. You didn't crawl up in a ball. You've accomplished quite a bit already in your journey. You may not even realize your progress but it's tangible. That old boy Billy would be proud. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 Haha, Mitch, that's because we're getting closer to Granny's age! And doctors are looking younger now too, they look like they should be trick or treating not telling us what to do! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 5 hours ago, iPraiseHim said: I have hesitated sharing when I started to feel better because I noticed that when I did, Life would smack me back down. What I understand at this point in my grief journey is life happens and we just need to deal with, as honestly and realistically as we can. Realistically George, I know I am too old to ever "get over this." There are some days that go by though and I think "Hey, I am doing okay, Miss the hell out of Billy, and that rascal won't talk to me. I watched that movie "Ghost" too many times. I think he ought to just knock something over to let me know he is around. I always believed in this magical, mystical, imaginative stuff. Love the movies about elves, forest creatures living under leaves, etc. Anyhow, some days are diamonds, some days are coal. Well, I won't say they are diamonds yet, but cheap rhinestones might suffice. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 4 hours ago, mittam99 said: Now, I see a woman with tremendous strength and an abundance of courage. You didn't crawl up in a ball. You've accomplished quite a bit already in your journey. You may not even realize your progress but it's tangible Okay, today Brianna and I went to Hot Springs to see " Captain America, Civil War" and yeah, I like those super hero movies. Came home, carefully packed the clothes I had put out in the living room that I had to give away, and saw reason to do just that. I have had them laid out for quite awhile. I packed all the ones I want to carry with me. He had lots of Tee shirts and I will sleep in them. It is now nearly 10:00 p.m. and I am just weary, worn out, but not down and out. He would have wanted these hunting men in this region to have those hunting coats that were really too many f or him to wear. i feel like I have done a day's work and going to bed. Not really sad, sad. If acceptance means you know they are gone, then I have had acceptance. He just plain is gone. I do have 54 years of memories though. Even the bad ones are good now cause they ended up good. Never will have a friend like him again. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 10 hours ago, Marg M said: I know I am too old to ever "get over this"... Me too, but it's not our age. I can't imagine anyone, whether they are 19 or 99, getting over the loss of their soul mate. Frankly, (and yes I'm making a blanket statement) it seems to me, if someone does "get over" the loss of their partner/spouse, that person couldn't have truly been their soul mate. That just doesn't seem possible. Out of all those grief phrases we hear... "they're in a better place", " time heals all wounds", etc... hearing someone tell us we should "be over" our loss by a certain point is the most ridiculous/thoughtless/irritating statement of all. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 I admit that there is a small part of me that is still waiting for Mark to return. I kind of feel I am in a "waiting" period...like he is "away" and will be home soon. I know reality, and Mark's coming back is NOT part of it; so why am I still looking for that? Why am I still just treading water at 18 months? I busy myself most times; but there are times I just sit and can't decide what I want to do next. There are MANY things that need done in the house...all I need to do is just START. But instead I watch television, pet the dogs and watch the clock. I don't ask people over because I just don't feel like entertaining. When Mark was alive, there were MANY times we just sat around...but he was here and I was in his presence and I didn't care. I was happy. Not even sure what that word means any more. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 Maryann, I could have written the above virtually word for word. I think a lot of us are in that same holding pattern. It's as if we are all asking the question "what now?"... Even though our lives before may not have been "exciting", watching TV or just eating a meal together was a joyful event. Alone, it's meaningless drudgery. Somehow, we need to find pleasure in the everyday things we do and I'm not sure how we accomplish that. It was easy when Mark and Tammy were by our side. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 For June 6 in the book "hope & healing for transcending loss" by Ashley Davis Bush: "Grief is an invisible wound. You know that you are hurting and suffering, but you mostly look "just fine." You go through the motions of living - you show up for work, pay the bills, feed the pets, get up the next day. People might even praise you for "doing so well." What they may not realize is that you are broken inside, totn asunder. But know that healing will start to happen, bit by bit." Today - Pay attention to what is going on inside you, underneath everything that looks "fine". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 2 hours ago, mittam99 said: Me too, but it's not our age. I can't imagine anyone, whether they are 19 or 99, getting over the loss of their soul mate. Personally, after over 50 years with Billy, I cannot imagine "getting over" him either. My sister-in-law lost her four children's husband when he was in his 40's to a heart attack. She was pregnant at the time. Four children!!!! Okay, she started going with "Thad" and he had a heart attack and died right before they married, then the sheriff and her started an affair. Yes, he was married, but he was going to leave his wife, and I believe he would have if he had not had a heart attack and died. Finally there was Britt, and she married him. Her daughter heard her tell him one night that she loved him more than Jim, her first husband (the daughter's dad), and the daughter was not disappointed in her mom, she was happy for her. Yep, you guessed it, heart attack. She was a "wise-cracking" joking woman, a waitress with the personality that made lots in tips. People teased her that she was just too much woman for these men. Now, which man was her "soul mate?" I don't know, but the teasing got to her and she wound up on the psych ward for awhile. She thought she might have killed these men. Myself, only one soul mate. But other women and men have had more than one wife/husband. My friend that lost her husband back in the early 2000's. She remarried two years later. No children by this man, but they have been married 11-12 years. I would not dare ask her which man she loved the most.. Her mom was married to three men, they all died. I would not dare ask which one she had loved the most. I watched my SIL pass away. I was the only one in the room. First time to ever see this happen. No grimace, no facial changes, no movement of her body. She was just like a clock that needed winding to keep going. The sheet on top of her chest quit moving. She was gone. She had lost her daughter five months before to the same heart disease her first husband had. No, there will never be another for me, although I think it would PO Billy so much he might finally show himself. I hope one of these days to feel his closeness just like some of you feel the closeness of your soulmate. I am waiting. I know I have to be open to it also. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 7, 2016 Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 Marg, yes I think acceptance means just that, that we know they are gone, they didn't just run to the store and got held up. In the beginning we feel like they'll walk through that door any time, but little by little we begin to realize that isn't going to happen. Acceptance does NOT mean that you are "over it" or that it's okay with you...no one asked any of us if it was okay with us, otherwise we'd have given a resounding NO! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted June 7, 2016 Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 Yeah, Kay.......No, No, No 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 9 hours ago, kayc said: Marg, yes I think acceptance means just that, that we know they are gone, they didn't just run to the store and got held up. Acceptance can be a confusing concept. I mean, in the one sense, the logical side of me understands that Tammy has died and isn't coming back yet my emotional side hopes and dreams that somehow this was all just some sort of nightmare. And if "mystical and magical" things have happened in my life that give me hope that Tammy's essence is still out there helping me, does that mean I haven't truly accepted her death? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 7, 2016 Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 In Grief: Aversion to Thoughts of "Acceptance" and "Moving On" ♥ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 7, 2016 Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 Honestly, when I think about it, the word just makes me angry. Do I want to get bitter, angry, sit on the couch and have to have skin grafts to my behind. No I don't. When I was a child I would question Mama about the Bible. She did not have answers to my questions. But she did tell me that was something we as Christians do not do, we do not question the Bible. I took her at her word. It was there, it was The Word. I did not have questions about it. I do not like the word acceptance. I know, in my head, in my heart, we all go through "the natural order of things." We are born, we live, we die. Acceptance of this natural order of things is not in my hands. I know Billy is gone. I know he lived a long life. I know we hit milestones that others did not reach, I am thankful for that. If someone gives me a pile of dog poop in a sack, I am not going to accept it. It is not a gift, it is an abomination. Some things you really do not accept. Well excuse me Margaret, Billy is dead, he is gone, he is cremated in a box sitting in your hall. You have to accept that he is dead. Well, that sack of dog poop is there, I will not accept it, I will not have it in my house. I will not use the dog poop as an analogy for Billy's cremains. The dog poop stays outside of my house, my head, my heart, I do not accept it. I know he is gone. I know he is not coming back. If that is acceptance, then I have it. I will not accept the sack of dog poop. I don't have to. I know Billy is not coming back. And, as my grandmother wrote "being married to him was as close to heaven as I will be on this earth." Okay, so I will look forward to being with him in Heaven. Is there a heaven? Mama said don't question the Bible, so I won't. But I won't accept the sack of dog poop either. I accept his cremains. I realize they are not him. I realize he is gone. I have to accept the fact that he is not coming back. I do not like the word acceptance, the meaning, the implications any more than the sack of dog poop. Intelligently, I know I realize he is gone. Do I like it? No I don't. I don't like the sack of dog poop either. Realizing he is gone, realizing he is not coming back, that is as close to acceptance as I am going to get. Does it make sense. No it does not, but I don't have to make sense. I am me. My sister would try to explain that philosophically this is the way things stand. I took enough amphetamines in the 1970s that my brain is not wired like a normal brain, and the wax may never melt from around it so that I may think logically. Logic is death. It comes fast enough. After my death, I will have acceptance. Until then, the dog poop stays outside the door. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 7, 2016 Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 No, Mitch, I don't think it means that. It's incorporating the change into your life in a way you find tolerable. I've noticed that a word one person uses is very upsetting to the next person and we aren't all the same in words' connotation to us. It's not too hard for us to substitute another word that better conveys how we're feeling, expresses what we mean and more importantly doesn't express what we don't mean. The problem is, other people use words that go against our grain and we can't rail at all of them. I've found it helped to try to understand what they mean when they say the word that I don't like and take it at their intended usage rather than how it comes across to me. Of course I wasn't able to do that in the first year. I can't believe the insensitivity of some, my grief counselor talked about "moving on" within two weeks of George's death! Totally unacceptable in my books! He was talking about how he'd have to if his wife died...note, he'd never been through loss, what the hell did he know? Something he read in a book? It turned me off right away. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 7, 2016 Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 14 minutes ago, kayc said: my grief counselor talked about "moving on" within two weeks of George's death! Totally unacceptable in my books! He was talking about how he'd have to if his wife died...note, he'd never been through loss, what the hell did he know? Something he read in a book? It turned me off right away. Sometimes what we learn in books, what we see in writing, what is taught in a class, this is stuff that has to be lived. That is why grief counselors have to have gone through the fire before they can say something we understand. Thankfully (well, really not thankfully, because you do not wish anyone to know what we know), but when they have been touched by the flames they can teach. Some of the people on this forum know double, triple grief. Can you multiply grief x grief? I have no choice on what really happens. I feel things in my body that I know cannot be healed. I realize I am a ticking time bomb. Still, I know what I have got to try to do before that bomb explodes. Maybe I will finish, maybe I won't. If I don't finish, then I won't worry about it, will I? I have repeated Billy's words to me over and over. "If you die then all your pain,, all your worries, they will be over with. Then the worry and the pain will be on the ones that are left behind." He is worried no more. If I go, I will worry no more. I can wish that it was as simple as that. It really is as simple as that, isn't it? 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2016 I hate that "moving on" phrase. You never "move on" after you lose your beloved soul mate. That's simply impossible. That implies that you somehow are leaving all that they meant to you behind. Discarding your old life. Saying goodbye to all the love that made each day better. Frankly, I call BS on that whole concept as it applies to those of us in this forum. On the other hand, the term "moving forward" makes perfect sense as a goal we are trying to reach. Moving forward in our new life. Moving forward and trying to define our new role. Moving forward with all the love we shared with our soul mate always in our heart. Moving forward and finding some meaning in our life. That makes sense. Moving on? Not so much. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 Good discussion everyone. If someone told me to "move on" early in my grief, I would have thought they were nuts. However, just the fact that we can now discuss the concept shows that we are making some progress. Everyone moves on a different timetable. I initially, was just trying to learn how to breathe, sleep, and live. Those who have never suffered this kind of deep loss would have no understanding or reference point. For me to expect they could would be irrational on my part. I am thankful that I have survived the initial stages of grief, by Grace and this wonderful group. We are blessed to have found a place to share, listen, love, and grow. I was hanging on and holding on for a long time. Now I am beginning to venture out. Slowly and cautiously, I have been changed by this experience and I know there are lessons to be learned on this grief journey. I pray I am a quick learner. Every rose has thorns.. My wife's name is Rose. Shalom - George 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now