Loneliness, Emptiness, Meaninglessness

[brat#2]

Mitch, I'm so sorry that I missed your post about Tammy and that you felt abandoned.  Like the others said, I rarely go outside of this thread and I know that is no excuse, but sometimes this thread is all I can handle at this time.  I truly do know how painful the special days can be and I'm so sorry you had to go through her day alone.  You are not alone and I'm sure Tammy was there with you in spirit, but we are here too and you are for all of us.  I know it's late, but sending you hugs

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

I'm off of work this week and the loneliness, emptiness and meaninglessness of life without Tammy is so magnified. I feel so alone. When I go to work, I do have some sense of purpose five days a week. A mission. Sure, it's not 24 hours worth of meaning but it does help. Being with people helps.

But... I needed this time off, badly. I was getting a little burned out emotionally at work and physically my body needed the break. It's just that I can't seem to get motivated to do the things I need to do around the house. But you know what? That's ok. One thing I've learned about grief is to be gentle with myself. This life is hard enough, being too hard on yourself does absolutely nothing positive.

So, if I'm off this week and accomplish nothing beyond sleeping, bathing and feeding myself, I'm OK with that. Then again, I really do need to take out the trash and mow the lawn. And vacuum. And do the dishes. And go to the bank.

On second thought, I think I need to go back to bed. 

[rdownes]

I wish I had answers to coping with lonelinessI wake up missing him all day just want to sleep and not face the world, everyone's story touch my heart.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch...

I understand exactly how you are feeling.  I take time off because I need the physical rest, but then I feel I need to DO stuff because I have the free time.  It is a double edged sword.  I have a little saying I keep on my desk at work, and on my television stand at home..."Let Whatever You Do Today Be Enough".  It is kind of my new mantra for a while.  I work from 7 to 3 every day.  It is nice to get home and have some time to still do some things.  But the motivation is rarely there.  Now that I am feeling a little better physically because I finally got some rest when I sleep, perhaps I will take advantage of the time (except now the Texas heat has arrived and I come home in the hottest part of the day).  The dogs take a lot of my energy.  When we are home immersed in all our memories, it makes it tough.  But when I am away from home...it is the only place I really want to be.  Hope you get some rest this week Mitch...and just "BE".

[KATPILOT]

That is exactly why weekends are so hard for me Mitch. Work creates a distraction and since I am off most of the weekend, it seems as if reality is just waiting for me. Even spending time here is a distraction in a way. It's when I actually stop doing anything that I remember. Many jobs around the house go undone and Monday comes.  Once in a while I do a repair or something and I feel better like fixing a loose baseboard that was in my face for five years. I promised myself I was going to fix up the back yard but so little was accomplished and now it has become really hot.  I think too Maryann that heat wears us out and it sucks a lot of our energy. I say I am treating myself to rest some weekends but the truth is I'm not who I used to be. I was once like the energizer bunny at home, back when I was part of a team.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

But you know what? That's ok. One thing I've learned about grief is to be gentle with myself. This life is hard enough, being too hard on yourself does absolutely nothing positive.

Mitch, this is one lesson I have to learn. 

[kevin]

I was told by a good friend, being alone doesn't mean you are lonely.....Keeping yourself busy, Volunteer work, ora/and take up an activity that you must attend(bowling,darts,,Senior stuff).....What your doing is adding to your "Circle" and also adding to your activities....I did that with things I never tried before(horseshoes,darts) and it takes your mind off of things....always laughter involved....kevin

[KATPILOT]

No it doesn't mean you are lonely Kevin. As a matter of fact I prefer to be alone after being with people and demands all day. It's just that being alone give me more time to think and it's often late at night that the demons come. Laughter is great but it's hard to force. For me it has to start from deep inside and work it's way out. I can certainly say I laugh more all the time but I'm not sure I even cracked a smile that first year. This is that time of year when if we were in town, we would spend the weekends doing jigsaw puzzles and as we called it "Cocooning" This weekend they are saying it's going to hit 117 here in the valley of the sun, or as I lovingly call it "The Stinking Desert National Park".  A good weekend for a puzzle. Oh hey! I almost forgot it's Father's day. My dad's been gone for a while now so I forget to see it coming. 

[mittam99]

Kevin and Steve...

I am alone and I do feel lonely. Maybe it's the fact that you two are much further along in your journey. My social life pretty much consists of going to work. Beyond that, I'm just not ready to do more. 

I try to occupy my time as best I can but it only serves one purpose... it occupies time and that's it. It doesn't fulfill me. My life still feels like it's in a holding pattern. I mean, I understand I'll never have the sheer joy I had when Tammy was alive again, but, I don't really understand what comes next for me.

I am sort of re-learning how to live my life. As far as this grief journey goes, I still feel like a toddler.

[iPraiseHim]

Mitch, I agree. I am just beginning to venture out beyond my work and Church.  I am doing it at my pace and discovering what do I like> I avoided Sunday school classes for almost a year and I just started back two weeks ago.  I'm thinking of joining another group and I did start a whole new activity In January that helps.  In this book I'm reading, it talks about a five second rule.  We get a thought, hunch in our head to try something or doing something new.  If we act on it then who knows what direction that will take us in life.  After five seconds all of our fuzzy logic and thoughts will talk us out of it.  I started walking again last week because I did NOT feel like it.  It Hurts, I sweat, hard to breath, etc.. I'm just doing it anyway. 

In my fascination with gadgets, I finally received a FitBit Flex with my smart phone it gives me feedback of how many steps in a day, how I slept and even moderate exercise like brisk walking.  after using it for about a week, I notice it is reminding me to move more rather than just sit all day.  the goal is 10,000 steps a day.  I don't hit it every day but days like today when I work all day I am surprised how many steps and how many miles I've walked.  If I was in another type of job I would not get this type of activity.  Find what you like and try to do that thing whatever it is. Start out small even when you don't feel like it!  Shalom -George 

[KATPILOT]

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 

I am sort of re-learning how to live my life. As far as this grief journey goes, I still feel like a toddler.

That's how it works Mitch. It's like having to reinvent ourselves though that hardly does it justice. Perhaps you are right that Kevin and I are further down the road but everyone's grief is different. I think back to my early months and I felt alone alright. I felt desperately alone even in a crowd. When Kathy was alive and my busy stressful day at work ended, I couldn't wait to get home where my day truly began. I remember when I would open the garage door and feel so disappointed if her car wasn't there remembering, oh yeah she had a hair appointment. We were stuck together like glue and I don't know but it may have not been the right way to live but the fact is when she was gone, even though I see her car in the garage every day now, it really makes you understand "alone".  

Here is the trick. It's the fact that after enough time, alone becomes your way of life. You eat it, sleep it, and live it. No matter how much time passes, I just don't forget what it was like to find her there. It was too good and too happy to forget.  So I live on with that awareness and I adapt to it. If my neighbor would ask "Hey Steve, How's it going?" I could smile and say "Doing good, life sucks, but I'm doing good". And I really could say it with a smile on my face because I'm so bloody used to the lonely that It just feels like a scab on the wound. You realize it hurts still, but only if you bump it. That by the way is what we call triggers.

[kayc]

When I retired, being alone took on a whole new meaning because I'd imagined retirement being with George.  That didn't happen.  I always valued some solitude but I don't relish being alone ALL of the time, so I've signed on for some other things that give me some balance...some time with other people, some time alone.  We all need time to get things done at home but we also need some "me" time, some down time, to do whatever we want...take a walk, read a book, spend time on a hobby, have lunch with a friend.  When you're working all the time it seems there's never enough "me" time!

Mitch, it's okay to go back to bed, it's your vacation, you can do what you want with it!  We don't have to be productive all of the time...it took me a while to get that.

[MartyT]

 

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

As far as this grief journey goes, I still feel like a toddler.

So interesting that you described yourself this way, Mitch. If you haven't read it already, you might relate to this piece, written by another of our GHDG members: Voices of Experience: A Toddler In The World of Grief  ♥

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I remember when I would open the garage door and feel so disappointed if her car wasn't there remembering, oh yeah she had a hair appointment. We were stuck together like glue and I don't know but it may have not been the right way to live but the fact is when she was gone, even though I see her car in the garage every day now, it really makes you understand "alone". 

It helps to read I am not the only one that still has our 2nd car.  It's just something I can part with yet.  I've had people ask me many times why I keep it since it requires insurance, tags and gas as I run it and occasionally drive it.  It was a part of him that symbolizes many happy times he had for his various activities.  I see it every day when I get home and to think of that spot empty is not something I am ready for.  For a brief moment, it looks like he still lives here and he does.  He just doesn't need his car.  We lose so much if them as it is, I see no rush to facilitate the process.  Yet another thing people that haven't had this kind of loss get.  They see it as logistics, not as an extention of memories and loss if it were gone.  And yes, it sometimes adds to the loneliness.  But that is what life is right now.  I would have to bulldoze thru this place if I wanted to remove everything that reminded me of him.

[mittam99]

Gwen, I know what you mean. I still have things like Tammy's combs and her toothbrush and her perfumes sitting where they always were. It's not a "just in case"... I know she's not coming back. But, if there was an empty spot where those items once were, I'd feel another sense of emptiness and loss.

It all boils down to living our life and doing things in a way that feels right for us. 

[kevin]

 

To all those who have recently suffered the loss of a loved one... and for the rest of us who are still paying the price of love.

 

 

[KATPILOT]

Yes I'm like a lot of you guys. I got rid of all the medicine but left things pretty much as they were .Mitch I had posted this picture a while ago which shows Kathy's perfume still on her dresser as they were before.  I sure know how you feel. And Gwen you are right about the upkeep of that second car. Logical?  Hardly!  Sentimental? You bet!  That car is sacred to me. It's 13 years old yet looks new. It sees sunlight maybe 4 days a year. I keep it cleaned, waxed and serviced. I drive it to dinner and once in a while to work and when I'm in it, and when my hands are on that wheel, I feel her. The only change I made to that car was a personalized plate which she never wanted but it simply says 4KAT.  I think she'd forgive me that one. Oh yes that car is indeed sacred.  And when I'm gone, it will still be worth something so my sons can sell it along with this house, the two things I shall never get rid of.

Mitch one thing I should tell you is about those empty spots. Sometimes items break. My grandkids and my sisters dog accomplished that in the first years after Kathy was gone. It can happen. It will happen. I was devastated at first but then I came to realize that they are just things. Just stuff. Carpets will wear out, and so will sheets and towels and dishes and glasses will break. There will always be plenty of her things and it is all part of adapting.  I had to struggle with that part back then so I wanted to give you heads up just in case. That's when you start replacing things with her inside your thoughts helping you decide what to buy.  I was really quite proud of myself when I changed the bedding in our room. I knew she would love it and so did I.

40 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

 

It all boils down to living our life and doing things in a way that feels right for us. 

 

 

[mittam99]

Steve, here's a small area of our dresser that kind of let's you know a little about Tammy. She loved her scents, loved her lotions (especially when I was using them and massaging her!), loved her little Katie (in the picture dressed as an angel). She loved so many little "cutesy" things like anything frog related or owls or as you see in the picture, two of her many sock monkeys. The candle you see, well that's on me. Tammy loved candles so much, especially those scented ones. The thing is, I am very safety conscious and the idea of candles burning at home while Tammy was sleeping made me nervous. So, that's one of the LED candles that looks like the real thing when it's on. And finally, that black box. That's something that just saddens me. It's the watch I gave Tammy for a Christmas/Anniversary (our last one together) gift. A watch she never got to wear.

[kayc]

Mitch,

I think it is some of those things they never got to use that filled me with much sadness.  George's birthday was five days before he died, and one of his presents was late arriving, he never got to see it.  Also, he had a Christmas present that was back ordered for over six months, arriving shortly after he died, that made me sad too.  There was also the food I'd made for him or purchased to make and he never got to eat it.   My daughter and I ate it in honor of him.  Man were those days hard!

[brat#2]

I understand, the things they didn't get to use.  There are a couple of Christmas presents that he so much wanted, he did get to see them and was so happy that he got them, but however never got to use them.  Also the day before his intestine perforated and he got so sick, I had gone to the grocery store and bought a pork roast and was going to make his favorite shredded BBQ pork for July 4th along with baked beans and deviled eggs and the meal never got cooked cause he couldn't eat on July 4th.  I ended giving the port roast to our neighbor, I knew I wouldn't be able to eat it.  Like you said Kay, those "little" things like that are so hard to deal with.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

I have so much angst when it comes to decisions on changing things here at home. I never really was that way before. Perfect example was today. I had ordered a new comforter set because the one on our bed was pretty well worn. I knew it was going to be a difficult change. Tammy and I spent more time in bed together than anywhere else. And the new set is very nice. Similar colors to what we had (burgundy, chocolate brown, taupe, white) and that Tammy loved. But, I just wasn't ready to make the change. I guess it was a combination of guilt (guilt that she wasn't here to enjoy and use it) and that pain in the pit of my stomach that said it didn't feel right... yet. Nothing comes easy on this grief journey. So back in the bag it went and it's hiding in the closet until the time comes I feel ready. Of course, I have no idea when that will be.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am an odd duck I think.  I made decisions right away and I hope I wont regret it.

Within the first two weeks I sorted through Gord's clothes and his personal things here in the house.  I have saved some shirts for a memory quilt or two, and his robe is on the back of my door, but what my son didn't want I donated to charity.  I still have most of his 'things', his watches, rings, rock collection and that kind of thing but they are in my bedroom in his dresser so I can look at them as I wish.  My son knows where the things are and he looks at them and holds them when he wants to.  

We have been going through his tools, he was a Millwrght, for about 4 months now.  There are many specialized tools along with the lawn tools and carpentry type stuff.  Mixed in Gord's tools are those of my Dad and his Dad so my son Reid, has several things that have great sentimental value.  There is more to sort through and we will do it as we can.

I've rearranged the furniture in the bedroom and put a new bedcover on.  I hated to change the sheets.  Gord's ashes and my Dad's are in the bedroom.  The two of three most important people in my life.  Now, as I look around me I see many small changes in every room.  I did this because I felt that Gord wanted me to live as much as I can instead of spending so much time living in the past.  

I have never really lived alone before and so I have made our home my home.  It is frightening, but so far these choices seem right to me.  I am remembering more of the good and less of the last day.  I still have sorrows but I am just going forward as I can.  

It is comforting to come here and feel that it is ok to be an odd duck.  Quack, quack!

Marita

[kayc]

If it seems right to you, then it is.  No right or wrong decisions, only our decisions.

[mittam99]

Marita, that last sentence about being an odd duck "quacked" me up.  Very cute way to put it. Truth is, we're all odd ducks in our own way, and that's the great thing about this community. We all are dealing with similar situations but we all handle them in a way that works best for us, and that's OK.

Grief is a very personal journey. The path taken and the direction we go are unique to us.

[KATPILOT]

Mitch I wrote about doing the same things two years ago or longer. I wrote after I had done it so my outlook was not the same. At first I was apprehensive. I have a favorite song that has in it these words. "I don't want to move a thing. It might change my memory". When you first make a change it comes with fear. After I made the decision and did it, I felt different. I had one thought that crossed my mind Mitch. I knew Kathy was seeing it. Tammy sees it too I bet. When we make decisions on our own, we do so not as the person we were before we met them but as a person who was so effected by their presence, that we without even thinking, act as if we were two voices in one. Kathy and I bought things together as a couple for long enough that we instinctively knew what the other one liked. Kathy was in charge of interior changes for it was her strong point but she would watch my reaction and never would buy something if I didn't spark. The thing is I did spark and most of the time because her taste was awesome.  People I would come into contact with publicly  often remarked about my clothes cause they were stylin. I would simply say, "my wife has good taste". Now when I buy my own clothes and someone comments me, I say the same thing.

You made a decision based on what you thought Tammy would like. So enjoy it. She is. And one day you can step outside the box and do something different. That's where the fun begins because you know you are living again and she will still be proud of you.    Kathy instilled in me a simple thought. That thought was "change is good". She never liked to duplicate something so when it would wear out, it would be something new. I have started thinking that way myself and I still feel her presence. I feel her smile.