KarenK Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 Knowing it is not quite the same, I wish you a Happy Birthday and a semblance of peace for today and always. Karen 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 I know it isn't happy for you, Gwen, but we're all thinking of you today, and sending birthday blessings to you. ♥ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 Gwen, Lovingthoughts to you on this day! Gin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 Wow, this was quite the surprise to wake up to! Thank you all for thinking of me. It was a tough night not having our holiday dinner last night (had pizza that tasted good but didn't sit well) and waking to the same old, same old. We have to give up so many special days now from what we knew. It just feels like another day now. Lost that little spark that used to make me feel special, even to myself. I used to be able to 'order' Steve around a little bit with that leverage. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 Gwen hope you found some peace today know you are cared about on this day 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted November 26, 2016 Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 Happy Birthday, Gwen. Shalom 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted November 26, 2016 Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 Take care Gwen. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 26, 2016 Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 I just got back last night, it was nigh impossible to keep up on the forum while gone as my Kindle kept rebooting and losing whatever I tried to post, and my phone is basically dead (not the battery), so I had to be off line for a couple of days. I hope, Gwen, that you had a good birthday! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted November 26, 2016 Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 I tried to make yesterday a little more special being on my own. Rented a movie and got a fancy burger to go. The attempt backfired. I rented Finding Dory not knowing it was about her reuniting with her long lost family and connecting that with her new family with Nemo and his dad. Not even the Pixar marvel technology could squelch the pain it created inside me. I got a few bday cards and they went right in the recycle after trying to have them around. I answered a few emails and had to light hearted. By the time I went to bed I knew this morning would be bad after 2 significant holidays spent alone. I didn't know how much. The only thing I truly wanted both days, like every other, was a hug from Steve. The only thing I can never ever have again. The TV and stores are now jumping into Christmas with all the trimmings and tangibles. Commercials for rings for your best friend and soulmate in one. Hey, how about a new big screen TV to bring a smile to your face? My neighbors had a party last night and I tried to remember what it felt like to be happy and laughing. I couldn't. Each day that passes I feel like more of an outsider in this world. My counselor would say just let the thoughts flow by and not give them power. Don't know how to do that either. At least not during this intense season of 'togetherness'. Yes, Virginia, there really is soul crushing depression. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted November 26, 2016 Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 Happy belated birthday Gwen. I'm sorry I missed it. One day the holiday may be more festive but there always will be a big part of it missing. I was lucky this year because I kind of missed it. The family decided to do Thanksgiving in Pine Top and I was going to fly up to join them but on my take off roll something just didn't feel right so I aborted the take off, put the plane back in the hanger, phoned in my apology, and had the most unusual Thanksgiving I can ever remember. Still my mind was on Kathy and that is something that just never leaves. I can't imagine how to not let those thoughts have power. You are not alone on that one. And during the holidays even if you do let those thoughts flow by, there are so many more right behind them like a never ending story. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted November 26, 2016 Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 Gwen, my granddaughter and I finished the whole series of Criminal Minds. I finally just put a roll of paper towels between us because if it ended happy I would cry. If it ended sad and terrible, I would cry. I watched Finding Dory at the theater (watched both of them) and I cried. I cry at Folger commercials. If music is playing, I will cry. I certainly should have a low sodium content to my body, enough escapes in tears. But, I remember some animated movie we were watching before Billy left and he had tears running down his face. And, it was a comedy. There are some moments that we just cannot help, and I think we should just go ahead and use that roll of towels. Right now I am looking out over the park that is in the center of the apartment complex. Guess we have a cold front coming in. The sky is sadly gray. I did get into a novel last night. That is something I have not been able to do. I could not concentrate. I did have to reread some. Maybe we are just frozen in time and it is going to take awhile to defrost. I think the pain is equal to the love we felt. No answers from me. I don't question when, but I do wonder how and what. My heart is with you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted November 27, 2016 Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 I'm surprised I haven't broken my TV remote control by now with all the switching channels I've been doing as soon as I see a certain commercial or show that I know is going to bring me to tears (which doesn't take much these days). I still can't listen to music without crying either, so I guess we are not alone in these feelings. Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted November 27, 2016 Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 51 minutes ago, brat#2 said: I'm surprised I haven't broken my TV remote control by now with all the switching channels I've been doing as soon as I see a certain commercial or show that I know is going to bring me to tears (which doesn't take much these days). I still can't listen to music without crying either, so I guess we are not alone in these feelings. Joyce Joyce.....THAT certainly resonated with me!!! I very rarely deviate from a few channels......a cooking one and an all-news one, or a PBS one, more for the "noise" than wanting to watch......never was big on TV, but can't stand to see the shows my Connor liked a lot (unlike me, he liked to watch TV)......or watch all the holiday stuff, since I will be alone this year and it intensifies my loneliness. Maybe this is escapism, and maybe it's wrong, but I'm still going to do that for as long as I feel the need. Also, despite having loved music all of my life, I find it VERY hard to hear any song that Connor and I liked in common. Early in our relationship (online) we each "shared" a song, via e-mail to one another daily, that we loved and made us think of the other....with a link to it on YouTube.....might sound rather odd, but I loved it, and it is a wonderful memory. Many of those songs were played at our wedding reception.....and lastly at his memorial service. If I hear them now......instant pain & tears. My love for music now seems to be another thing stolen from me in grief. I hope perhaps with (lots) of time.....I'll be able to hear the songs.....and smile. But seems impossible at this time! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted November 27, 2016 Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 Kat, Al and I met on line, also. Sometimes he would give me a line of a song, and I would give him the next. Then we started only giving the first initials of the words. Crazy, but we sure had fun. I can not listen to music anymore. He played the mandolin and loved it. Maybe someday, but I doubt it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted November 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 Yes, once again the good cheer, excitement, and endless ads for Christmas comes rolling around. Most of it I can tune out. The one you mentioned Gwen, about the rings, is especially heart wrenching. If only we could set our brains on "Ignore". 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 29, 2016 Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 Happy belated Gwen.. Sorry so late, been visiting daughter and her family in Indy. I have enjoyed the refuge from reality and responsibility ...the gray and cold weather makes me sleepy. Been off the grid electronically, for me, it's been therapeutic. Hope everyone is doing the best they can. I am reading the wild edge of sorrow that was recommended on here, it's interesting... I am appreciating the introspect to being a "creature of earth" and how our current society feeds neurosis by ignoring grief,etc. They describe a shared experience of grieving that sounds like it would be a cleansing experience... Wanted to drop in and say hi to everyone to catch up. I feel like we are among friends here... Marie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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