Going Out

[annew]

Hello everyone,

It's been three years and it still hurts/makes me cry to think of going out without him.  Every time I think about it, I start crying....even just to take a walk 

in a park nearby or take myself to dinner.  I can't bring myself to do it even though part of me wants to.  What has been your experience at this point....seems three years is a lot

and yet it hurts so much when this comes up.  I have done really well on all other counts with self care so far....may be slow but I am doing well.

Thank you all for listening.

AnneW

[mittam99]

Annew,

My wife Tammy passed away a little bit less than two years ago and I function fairly well at least on a basic level. I do work and I work with the public. But honestly, that's pretty much the extent of my social life. I do the occasional family function. I go into stores when I need to buy something, but pretty much my house is my sanctuary. To this day I can't go to a restaurant and eat alone. Then again, I never was one to eat in public alone. I was always too worried people would look at me as if I had a "loser" sign pinned to my shirt or something.   As far as going out socially with a woman (dating) that isn't even a thought in my head. At this point in my journey that simply isn't something I'd even consider. I've had a number of offers and I guess it's flattering, but, I'm just not interested.

There are just no rules and no timetable in grief. It's just what you feel in your heart. This journey is about what feels best for you.

Don't ever get down on yourself when you feel like you're not progressing the same as others. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.

Some days just getting out of bed should be considered a positive accomplishment.

Mitch

[annew]

Awww, geez, Mitch.....what great and kind words of encouragement and support.  I am so touched by your understanding of how loss works.

Thank you so much for responding, you made me feel like I am ok the way I am and how I feel matters.

 

[Gin]

Anne,

I lost my Al 15 mos. ago and I do not want to go anywhere without him.  I especially do not want to go places we used to go together.  It is such a tremendous change in our life!  I am glad you are basically doing OK in other things.  We do the best we can.

Gin

 

[annew]

Thank you so much, Gin.....so good to say how I feel to those that really get and don't try to fix me....god, I hate that.

 

[Marie Lee]

Hi Annew .I feel.....we are all different...I have dined alone...not my fave thing to do...

I have gone out by myself, again, not my fave..

I think ....You will do what you need to do when you're ready :-)

Be kind to yourself, Hugs..Marie

[annew]

Thank you so much, Maire, it feels so very good to be heard and encouraged.....I will be kind as I can and keep doing it....maybe I will be ready some day...

[kayc]

I've learned to do things alone...not my preference.  I think the hardest was going to church alone because he was always there with me.  And getting groceries alone...I kind of had to learn to do that or go hungry, although my daughter did it for me at first.  I knew I had to put on my big girl panties and just do it.  Eating out alone came later, it felt strange at first but I don't feel awkward about it anymore.  It was easier in a fast food restaurant than a fine dining place, the atmosphere is different.  Our timetables are all different so you can't compare to someone else.

[annew]

No, we cannot compare....I am naturally a home body....and cook for myself, which beats fast food hands down.  Don't know that I will ever date myself, as it is companioship I really want when/if the time comes.  I've got being on my own down...spend most time alone and work from home, too.  I am glad of the support to do things in my own time and not push myself into what does not feel good....going in my own time always works much better and the reminders of that felt so heavenly.  Thank you all for supporting and allowing me to be where I am.

[Dr Lenera]

It's been seven months for me now since my wife died, and I guess that I'm not finding the 'going out' alone thing too bad. I've always been content with my own company and have often done things like go to the cinema [I'm a movie freak] on my own, so not much has changed there. Actual socialising hasn't been my 'thing' of late but I've managed to go to a couple of gigs as I'm into gigs and music festivals and all that.

But one thing I just cannot do is have a 'proper' meal on my own so you're not alone Annew. Because my Jo could never muster much energy because of her conditions, one of our favourite activities to go out to was having a decent meal in a restuarant, which we did every week and sometimes twice a week. I've managed things like takeaway KFC but the thought of eating a proper meal on my own is extremely depressing! I guess I'm saving money though!

As for dating again, it's just too early for me to even think about that!

[Patty65]

I don't either -- in my daily world, if I have to go to a store for work, I survive it.  Other than that, it is straight to work, straight to home (or therapy), no extra stops - ever.  Stopping at the ATM yesterday was a big ordeal.  My therapist says, when the pain of doing something is less than the pain of not doing it -- damn this 'alone' is so painful either way -- then I will do it.  Until then, I'm just letting it be.

[annew]

I love the way the support for how we all choose to cope and live with grief shows up in this thread.  Dr. L. and Patty, thank you for your support and you have wise words here and so does your therapist, Patty.  I like what she said, it really is how I feel too.  It's not painful to be still and with me and my higher self, The grief is it's own thing and I can do it now with less fear.  So I will quit thinking I should feel differently than I do.  Not looking for another partner, just maybe the kinds of friends you are being for me.  

[Margm]

10 hours ago, Patty65 said:

pain of doing something is less than the pain of not doing it --

I like that.  I have a lot of pains of doing something but I don't think of the pain of not doing it, just the implications of things happening if I don't do it.  (Same song, second verse).  We went out to eat.  I never cared for it too much.  Billy hated it.  I liked ordering out.  I liked going by the drive-by window.  No, I usually went in and picked the food up inside. My arms are too short for that window.  I even get out of the car to use the ATM.  

So, eating alone is no problem.  Besides my granddaughter had rather eat in front of the TV anyhow.  Talk about teaching bad habits.  I have a beautiful solid oak table and chairs (daughter's house), My son would get his feelings hurt if we used anything but paper plates and TV trays, coffee table, lap.  Guess I truly am a southern country redneck.

[annew]

Thanks, Marg...you make some good points.  Going out was no big deal to us either, a trip to the grocery and cooking together was happy for me.  So in cooking for me now, I still love that.  Just miss the good company he was.  He's still here, still in my heart and I can really hear him....and he is well now after ten years of escalating illness that really took us both down....My adult son is now my roommate and we both sit in front of the tube and share about the world events and some meals.  I am very blessed he has been here or the breakdown with the loss might have finished me off.

[KarenK]

Who knew the kitchen table was for dining? I thought it was just a place to throw my purse on the way in the door. Mine is used rarely for it's proper purpose, maybe Thanksgiving and Christmas. My grandson prefers to eat in his room by the computer and I eat in front of the TV. Wouldn't want to miss a second of current insanity. I "go out" for necessities, not for pleasure. Tried it, but it was just too lonely. Subway is our take-out. Ron and I ate out frequently. Older people eating alone always looked so forlorn. I wish now we had invited them to dine with us. Who knew what their stories were? Perhaps they were as lonely as we all are now. I won't eat out alone.

[Margm]

My sister is a loner.  She will eat out if invited, but otherwise does not mind eating out alone.  She has come close to marriage a couple of times, but something turned her against it violently.  Then again, she had her college and she loved college.  Poetry and literature are her passions that no man could take their place.  I have tried to convince her to just strike up a companionship with someone, man or woman.  And, after taking care of Mama for 11 years, she is very jealous and protective of her alone time.  She is teaching again, but with education like it is in Louisiana, she is not guaranteed a job that she is qualified for.  She has no safety net.  

I guess we all do what we have to do to live, whether due to grief or just due to wanting to live a life alone, and liking it that way.  

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, annew said:

 I am very blessed he has been here or the breakdown with the loss might have finished me off.

I'm glad some of you have people to still share in your life.  I know it's not the same.  Unless I am out somewhere there are people, I am alone at home.  I really miss the meals as we always ate at the table and no technology was allowed.  It was s time for talk and enjoying time uninfluenced by anything but conversation.  We both liked taking turns cooking so now it is a chore knowing I will sit there by myself.  I don't want to sit in front of the TV.   It seems almost lonelier than starring at that enpty chair and placemat.

So often I feel I am heading for that breakdown.  I've never felt like I really could lose my mind before now.  I guess I have said it too many times because even my counselor will remin me I keep saying that and I haven't succumbed.   But I feel it getting closer and mostly because I am battling several physical challenges one of which is unrelenting pain for a week.  That really wears what little resolve you have down quickly.

[Froggie4635]

I am 25 months into this journey.  I was never a big socializer in my life; that continued into my marriage.  Mark and I were homebodies.  We went to work and we came home and were completely content with that. Mark did the cooking, I took care of the dogs. We sat in the living room and ate dinner...never sat at a table.  We really only went to family events.  The weekends were for running errands, and getting groceries.  Friday night was our Whataburger night (or whatever take out we wanted).  I don't make an effort to create get-togethers with friends or co-workers.  I like my alone time.  Staying at home, I can control the triggers.  I changed my life by finally getting my driver's license...but I don't have any desire to go anywhere...other than groceries and getting to and from work.  That's all I can handle now.  Thinking about driving and being careful has now affected my focus (what focus I still have left).  I wish I could describe what is going on with my thinking...and my forgetfulness.  Today I walked passed a desk, and there was a vase of tulips on it.  Tulips were the first flowers that Mark sent me for our first Valentine's Day.  I have been working so hard to get comfortable with driving that I have stopped working on my grief.  My best friend came over last weekend, and it was nice to see her...but she has so much going on in her life, and I don't have the energy to keep up.  She likes coming to the house because it is peaceful and quiet.  That is because it is a home of love...the love Mark and I had filled it to the brim.  No problems could bring it down; we left our frustrations outside when we came home.  Not that there was never some issues...but it never upset the peacefulness.  That's because it was full of love.  I have three dogs who love getting my attention, and I have a home full of projects to occupy my time.  I am a solo spirit and it suits me...because it is the only choice I have.  I will never be able to have the one thing I wish for...so everything else pales against that.

[scba]

I enjoy good food, but alone and knowing why I am alone at the table makes me rush to finish the meal. Having a coffee and a pastry at a bar is fine, a meal in a restaurant....I can't.

 

[Brad]

With all of my travels I've learned to eat at diners alone. Don't enjoy it but it's a necessary evil. My biggest problem is food still doesn't sound good so I can never decide where to eat.  Every time I do stop I'm looking for other diners who are eating alone. When I find them I'll have the waitress discretely slip me their tab hoping it gives them a smile. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

It's really a shame that there isn't the same compassion in the 'outside world' as there is here. 

I don't believe that we each had to lose our soul mate to be a compassionate person so I have a difficult time trying to comprehend the behaviours of the 'outside world' people.

Thank you all so much for making a world where I can be me and not feel wrong most of the time.

[Marie Lee]

Brad, I too have that same problem, nothing really appeals to me for dinner, so I grab whatever...I love the idea of picking up another lone diners tab...I will do that once in a while moving forward. Planting seeds of hope and love, I hope...

Marita, I am too so thankful for this oasis..let us never forget what it means to us and help others in anyway we can.

Seeds of hope, Marie

[Margm]

Marita, I didn't know the difference between empathy and sympathy before Billy left.  I would not have known it with my mom and dad passing.  It had to hit me solid in the chest, in my heart, before I could tell the difference.  I am afraid I might have said some crass and unempathetic things to friends who lost loved ones.  I even remember years ago telling one of my friends she was young and pretty and there would be someone else.  I would not say that now.  And, I am lucky to still have her for a friend.  Many of my friends lost husbands but I still had mine.  Until you lose the most important part of your life, you cannot offer empathy.  They will learn, and that is sad because we know how much they will hurt.  It does not give us pleasure to know that eventually they will learn.  But, I guess there will still be cold hearted souls that somehow will still be mean.  Pity them.  That is their problem.  Stay away from them if you can.  I still think of my friend dying of painful cancer, her brother a doctor, my boss, who would not refill or write a new prescription for pain medicine and her telling him that she hoped she lived long enough to see him hurt as bad as she did.  She didn't.  He could have gotten the pills, she was terminal then and all knew it.  There are mean people and we cannot change them.  But, this forum shows we all understand and we all have heard the hateful things, hurtful things.  Does not cure their foot in mouth disease though.  

[annew]

Found this, hope it helps healing.....

 

A PRAYER FOR THE OVERWHELMED

Oh, sweetheart. 
Life is overwhelming for you at times, l know. 
Don't listen to the ones who call you over-sensitive or too weak for this world. 
Your sensitivity is exquisitely beautiful!
But you must learn to stay close to yourself. 
You must learn to breathe. 
To invite curious attention deep into your body.

Allow yourself to feel overwhelmed, 
and you won't be overwhelmed, I promise. 
It's just a feeling. 
A precious part of you longing for love. 
It will pass when it's ready. 
Let it stay awhile.

Don't pretend to be strong, the one who has it all 'figured out'.
There will be time for answers soon enough. 
Now, simply give 'the overwhelmed one' safe passage in your heart. 
Drench the feeling of overwhelm with gentle attention; bathe it in overwhelming love.

It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, it really is. 
Even the strongest feel overwhelmed, for their strength lies in their vulnerability.

Your sensitive nervous system is perfect, and l love you for it.

And it's all okay, here. 
It's really okay, here in the arms 
of the present moment.

- Jeff Foster

 

[Marie Lee]

So lovely AnneW...Tks for posting...