It still hurts so bad

[mittam99]

My sweet Tammy... my perfect for me wife, died on March 6, 2015. And it didn't take me long to find Marty's forum. I needed help and I found some sense of understanding and comfort from members here. One of the first topics I started was called "It hurts so bad". My life wasn't much of a life at that point. It was 24/7 of agony followed by another 24 hours of figuring out if I even wanted to survive alone without the only person that made my life worth living. The only person who gave my life joy. Tammy was all I ever wanted and needed.

Every day was a struggle to find a reason to go on. Trying to find meaning in my emptiness and trying to come to grips with the question that resonated in my mind... That word was repeated over and over in my head... Why?

Why was Tammy, a woman filled with amazing courage and beauty and love, taken from this world at only 45 years old? Why did she have to suffer so much? Why wasn't my love enough to save her? 

And then there were the woulda, coulda, shouldas that played on my mind and gave me much daily angst. This life alone just hurt. How was it possible that Tammy was gone? Didn't we just come home from an extended hospital and rehab stay? She was on the mend or so we thought. A day and a half after coming home, she died.

It's been 3 years and 5 months since that day that is forever etched in my soul. Three years and 5 months without holding or kissing or touching my dear Tammy. Yet somehow, I'm still here. Coping and functioning in a world without Tammy. I've done it by living my life with Tammy in my heart. Living my life in a way that would make Tammy proud. I still feel married to Tammy and always will. She was the only one for me.

Today, I felt gut wrenching pain that rocked me to my core. Pain so deep it took my breath away and I could not stop crying. I had just finished a project in the kitchen...  adding a backsplash. It's something I always wanted, but never got around to doing. I put up the last tile, and stepped back to check out the room. And it look good, I mean amazingly good. Probably the best home project I've ever done.

And in that moment, gazing at my work, all I could think of was how much Tammy would have loved it. And then it hit me. That deep, mind numbingly intense grief burst. Hell, this wasn't a burst, it was more like an atom bomb. I screamed out for Tammy... over and over... at the top of my lungs. Somehow hoping my voice could be heard all the way to heaven. And that word came up again...

Why? Why can't this all just have been some sort of maddening nightmare? Why can't Tammy come back so we can live our life the way it was meant to be?  Why is this life so hard?

The hurt never goes away. You adapt. You cope. You get through the day. But, when love is this deep and forever, the pain (in one form or another) will also linger forever. 

Nothing is easy in this life. But... I still get up everyday and I try my very best. And I will love my Tammy for all eternity.

Mitch

[Gin]

Mitch,.  It really hurts, doesn't it?   I miss Al so much and have not really succeeded in finding much meaning in my life.  I try everyday to connect with people hoping I can make a difference somewhere, somehow.  I am still married to Al.  Oh, if we could only have our old life back.   Gin

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, you are not alone in those project triggers.  Those get me too.  I want him to see them.  We forget that so much of that pleasure of accomplishment was the sharing it.  Now?  Well, my dogs don’t really care and they’re the only ones around.  Even a friend wouldn’t count anymore.  It’s the nest we shared with them and how that changes would become a part of it and our journey together.  I look at things I’ve changed and they are glaring.  Why aren’t we looking at those changes and high fiving each other with them?  I’m reminded in counseling to stop asking why and know myself it is a useless question, but how can we not?  I’ve also had nights the agony has me literally screaming too.   Timelines differ for each us, you and I are close in ours.   We fortunately learn here we aren’t alone in this kind of pain, but each of us suffers alone. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Mitch I am sorry for your recent agony.  Your love for Tammy is wonderful.  I know you wish she could be here to share your love and to return it.  I believe she knows you still love her.  You write so clearly from your heart and it is truly awesome to read your love story.  I don't believe the story is over.  There has to be more to come.

Selfishly I wish I could read or hear my husband tell me that he loves me.  I will never stop loving him and remembering all of the great things we did together.

[scba]

We understand you Mitch.

Last night in the subway I had a thought and a feeling, like real, that my boyfriend was in the subway too looking for me. Not his spirit, but his human body being. I was so sad because I knew it wasn't true. He died. He is not checking his mobile, listening to music and meeting me at the exit gate. 

For a minute it was true, the life that will NEVER be was real.

never never never

Commuting is one of the loneliest experience for people, I wonder what others were thinking at the same time.

[kayc]

Mitch,

Everything you wrote is what I could have wrote, why a man so caring and full of zest for life had to be taken from me when he just had his 51st birthday...why he couldn't be here to know our grandchildren, retire together, go through all of life together.  I used to ask why, I never got an answer, only silence.  But the pain, the aching, it goes on, it doesn't stop.

Ana,

I used to commute 100 miles a day, I know what it is to be alone in your thoughts, they don't turn off...and now that I'm retired and when I am home, always alone with my thoughts, they still don't turn off.

[Kieron]

😢  I could have written much the same, Mitch.  Mark was only 60, and the pluckiest person you ever met, and tried to stay positive about having to have dialysis 3x per week.  He made the nurses and the kidney patients at the unit smile, even laugh, with his jokes and comments, trying to lighten the somber mood in that depressing place full of people lying motionless in their chairs, resigned to a fate no one would wish on their worst enemy. 

On 8/13/2018 at 9:43 PM, mittam99 said:

And then there were the woulda, coulda, shouldas that played on my mind and gave me much daily angst.

Likewise.  Oh likewise.  I did a round of that one today, myself.  Our rehab center experience was nothing but woulda coulda shoulda.  I can't even write about it yet.  

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

😢  I could have written much the same, Mitch.  Mark was only 60, and the pluckiest person you ever met, and tried to stay positive about having to have dialysis 3x per week.  He made the nurses and the kidney patients at the unit smile, even laugh, with his jokes and comments, trying to lighten the somber mood in that depressing place full of people lying motionless in their chairs, resigned to a fate no one would wish on their worst enemy. 

Likewise.  Oh likewise.  I did a round of that one today, myself.  Our rehab center experience was nothing but woulda coulda shoulda.  I can't even write about it yet.  

My wife was on dialysis the last year of her life.  It was 4.5 hours 3 X week.  Just about the time she could gain a little strength then she was right back at it again.  I saw, heard, and experience things that no person should have to go through.  It is a business and a system.  I always kept vigil to make sure my beloved wife would get the best care.  Every time I picked her up, she told me I was her knight in shining armor.  She went through it for me because she knew of the pain and grief I would go through when she passed...;  She was right. She was only 59 years old.

Doctors flat out lied to me about her treatment, insulin injections, etc...  Type two diabetes can be stopped, diminished and even reversed.  Insulin Resistance and "Pre-Diabetes" can be easily diagnosed twenty years earlier than when you get the actual diagnosis. HINT:  Ask for a FASTING Insulin Test.   It is worth it to get it tested to find out where you stand.

I am not a type 2 diabetic but I do have Insulin Resistance.  There is a natural, healthy way to eat, and live, to stop the inflammation and disease of most people.  It is because of the standard American diet (SAD) recommended by most doctors, dieticians, AMA, AHA.  Follow the money you will discover the truth. Thankfully, I found a healthy way to reduced my insulin resistance and lose much of my excess weight. No pills, prescriptions, exercise, etc..  A great book to read is "The Obesity Code" by Dr. Jason Fung.

I don't want to see anyone else suffer from this horrendous disease.  My heart and prayers go with you as you travel this grief journey.  - Shalom   

[Kieron]

11 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

It is because of the standard American diet (SAD) recommended by most doctors, dieticians, AMA, AHA.  Follow the money you will discover the truth

Oh yes, we did that about 14 years ago and changed how we ate and where we shopped.  He ate beef liver once a month for awhile, and was able to drop the iron supplement and keep his hemoglobin where it should be.  They told him, "We know you're not following our prescribed diet," but they had to admit his blood labs and so forth were astonishing, and he was not diabetic at all.  True, he should have stayed away from tomato sauce and dairy, more than anything else, but by about 5 years ago, food was the only pleasure he had left.  That's why the stints in the hospital and rehab centers were so devastating... the food was horrible, pretty much void of life or nutrients.  😖 I brought him food from home as much as I could-- for all the good it did in the end.

Thanks, George, you as well.

[Cookie]

Mitch:  So sorry for you and all of us.  It's been 3 years for me also and I still feel that "gut-wrenching" pain off and on.  There are things that trigger it.  I also can't help sometimes asking the universe why....with no answer of course.  I thought surely I would die in the beginning from a heart attack or stroke....but I am also still here, not always happy about it.  I have felt moments of joy but it's always laden later with sorrow because John is so gone.  I don't want to believe he's just gone and dally with the thoughts about him maybe being out there somewhere waiting for me.  Hugs to you....Cookie

[kayc]

It's been 13 years and our church has had a lot of turnover, very few people around now that were there when George was.  Last night a lady commented on what a cute couple we were, it surprised me because hardly anyone remembers him now.  They used to stare at us because our love was so evident.  I had some who'd been married a long time comment that they were envious of us.

[shebert56]

Mitch, I feel you.  I'm new here so my journey is just beginning.  Today was really tough.  Then when I had myself in a good place, I opened the back door to see "rabbit squirrel" on the fence.  Rabbit squirrel showed up this year.  A squirrel who somehow lost his tail.  He's got a tiny little nub.  But boy, you should see him move.  I opened the door, Louie ran out barking as I said out loud "look, it's rabbit squirrel!"  Then I fell apart, completely, that deep down in your soul sobbing.  Stephen got the biggest kick out of odd that little squirrel.  

I'm learning a day at a time isn't near enough.  It's more a second at a time.  

Sending you warm wishes.

~Shirley

[Cookie]

Shebert56:  You're right, it is a second at a time sometimes....my heart goes out to you....Cookie

[Johnny]

Mitch,

I've had one of those terrible soul shaking cries today as well when I set out to try to fulfill one of my dear wife Rene'e's wishes. She saved some things from our wedding so that I could make a shadow box for her to remember that special day we were joined together forever as husband and wife.

I was a little naive about just how difficult this seemingly simple task would be. I knew that seeing the wedding bouquet again would be hard so I was prepared for that. But what I didn't remember at first was the envelope she had put our wedding invitation in. On the outside of that envelope, only a single word was written; "Mine".

Just seeing that one word sent me over the edge.

We had only enough wedding invitations to barely cover all the family and friends we wished to invite. And, after we had all the invitations ready to put in the mail, we only had a single invitation left over.

I clearly remembered her taking that last wedding invitation and placing it in an envelope and writing "Mine" on the outside and looking up at me with the most beautiful smile saying "this one is for the shadow box". We both thought that it was just perfect to have only a single invitation left over. One she could always see, whenever she wished, to remind her of the love we shared.

I am constantly finding little things that remind me of our love.

Some of these things I did not even know that she did. The  daily planner calendar she kept for the wedding, and other important dates to remember, had inside it written "anniversary of our first date" for the day of May 25th, 2019.

That one killed me all over again.

I could not even get started on the shadow box.

[MartyT]

❤️

[shebert56]

Johnny, you will one day be able to view those special, intimate items with less grief and more gratitude.  Blessings to you for having someone special in your life in which those memories are made.

Remember, the reason it hurts so much is because the love was so good.

I am approaching May 2 which is Stephen and my 10th wedding anniversary. My spirit is connected eternally to his, so each of those will be marked as an anniversary (as opposed to "would have been").

The love is eternal between your spirit and Rene'e's.  The spirit connection is never broken.  She just lives in another frequency.  But oh she does live!

Hugs,

Shirley

 

[kayc]

Johnny, 

I have been stamping and making cards for 33 years...after George died, I intended to make a scrapbook of "him"...I bought the stuff...it's been almost 14 years, I still can't do it.  My sister made a shadow box/frame with our wedding invitation, thank you, and some wedding pictures in it, it sits above my computer.

Tough stuff, these feelings.  Very hard.

[TomPB]

On 4/27/2019 at 7:34 AM, shebert56 said:

Johnny, you will one day be able to view those special, intimate items with less grief and more gratitude.  Blessings to you for having someone special in your life in which those memories are made.

Remember, the reason it hurts so much is because the love was so good.

I am approaching May 2 which is Stephen and my 10th wedding anniversary. My spirit is connected eternally to his, so each of those will be marked as an anniversary (as opposed to "would have been").

The love is eternal between your spirit and Rene'e's.  The spirit connection is never broken.  She just lives in another frequency.  But oh she does live!

Hugs,

Shirley

 

Johnny, yeah, I'm hoping for what Shirley says, not there yet.

I'm reading Christina Rasmussen's "Where did you go". First chapter is imagining going through a door to where I can meet Susan's spirit. She says make up your own concept. So I imagine stepping through a door that looks like one of the paintings on my wall. It's guarded by a stuffed 🐼 Susan gave me and he tells me to go right in.  I'm immediately at a marina we visited a lot. The sky is bright on a beautiful day and I'm remembering the good times we had there. It is extra bright over the mooring field so I walk to where I can see it and our boat is there, glowing, with Susan in the cockpit reading and glowing. She waves to me and I wave. I walk down the stairs to the float and when the launch comes I tell the driver to take me to our "Morning Gloria". But he says no, Tom, it's not your time yet, you have to go back for now. So I go back through door and I'm home again. 

Crying writing this...Crazy TomPB

[Johnny]

Yes Tom,

I like that you said "imagine going through a door to where I can meet Susan's spirit". Wouldn't that be such a wonderful thing! Imagine getting to hear from your loved one just once more after they passed and what they might have to say now that they can see the great sorrow in the loved one that they left behind to live a life without them.

I think Rene'e would say "baby, I am so sorry for all of your tears". "Know this, for all time, that you were the greatest love in my life and I would never have wanted to see you suffer in my absence". "I was so happy to have found you and share the love we had for each other". "I always wanted to spend every hour of every day by your side". "My last hours on earth were with you and only you." "When your final moments come, think of me, and our love together, with a smile". "I love you baby".

I think that what Shirley says must be true.

Thank you Tom. 

[Gwenivere]

I guess I am the weird one.  I want to be with the real Steve and could not handle 'seeing' him any other way.  If I can’t touch or hold him, it would just make this worse.  I already know the things he would say, or have a pretty good darned guess.  He’d also be logical in that he had no control and couldn’t help me anymore.  He can’t help me with this.  He also can’t help me with all the medical issues.  He can’t help the depression.  Without his help, seeing him would just rip my heart apart more, especially to hav3 to let him go again..  I already know the depth of our love.  Would he feel bad?  Yes.  I kno w that is why I am hooked on the sleep world.  There it feels real.  Sometimes illusion trumps reality.  It certainly does for me right now.  

[Johnny]

Gwen,  I feel the same.

I want to be with the real one too. It's just that I never knew the pain of losing someone so close to me and I feel like I need to believe I will have the chance one day to be with Rene'e again in some way. Truly, I feel ambiguous about it because I just can not believe that all of this is for nothing and at the same time it's hard for me to imagine what comes afterwards. I have done what I can to try to come to believe or have faith that everything will be okay, but the pain remains.

I know I am depressed.

I tried to see a Doctor because I was feeling really sad all the time. I told him what happened to my wife and he said I was depressed and charged me $900.00 dollars.

There is no winning. You got to smile cause it just hurts so damn bad.

 

[kayc]

$900 for that?  Wow.  That's outrageous.  You're a good man to try to smile.

12 hours ago, Johnny said:

I have done what I can to try to come to believe or have faith that everything will be okay, but the pain remains.

Yes, no matter what we do or think, we still miss them.  We can learn to live with it to a point where we function but...still it's there.

[Johnny]

KayC,

Yes, my fault because I do not have health insurance or a GP. Really thought the Doctor would help me but he just referred me to another Doctor.

I really have not been able to get a break from the constant sadness and pain of my dear wife Rene'e passing away. I feel so completely alone with my pain. It's so overwhelming that I know my family members  who live a good ways away are getting tired of hearing from me. They do not know what to say to me anymore. Even my Rector can only assure me that I need to have faith and everything will be alright. I feel like my only chance at happiness in life is gone and I feel I am going to live out the remainder of my days in sadness and solitude.

The reason I feel this way is that I truly know how rare it is to find that one in a million person that you want to spend your life with. I gave all the love that I had in me to my wife. Her unexpected accidental death hit me at my most vulnerable time; right when we were realizing our long anticipated dream of finally being husband and wife. All the careful planning and the marriage counseling and the long wait to hear approval from the Bishop. We had finally done it. We had realized our dream of being together as husband and wife. We were so happy. She used to send me text when I was at work saying "I am really missing my husband right now". I'd almost break my neck to get home as fast as I could. So many little things that brought such great joy. 

[Johnny]

Shirley,

I truly hope that Rene'e can feel the love I have in my heart for her. I think I remember Gwen saying it's like being in love and never being able to be with the one you are in love with again. Sometimes when I think about her it makes my heart warm and I want to smile, and then almost in the same breath the tears start to flow. It's happening all over again. Being tossed about by the waves.

[Gwenivere]

How it feels for me is how hard it is to be in love alone now.  This wasn’t some crush or infatuation.  This was the real deal and we didn’t break up.  Painful as that would be, at least he would be alive and we did split up a couple of times so I could always call him and hear his voice. So I wander thru life, in love, but I can’t express it with him, to him or have his in return.  It’s a double slam of pain.