My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Hmm, I posted earlier, it's not here.

[Margm]

On 9/30/2022 at 3:56 AM, Gwenivere said:

I've been reading other topics here from the newly bereaved members.  How hard those times are. I w ish I could offer wise or comforting words.  I’ve tried. a couple of times.  It shows me how it becomes glued to our very being.

I understand how you feel.  I wish you had not had so many things happen to you, it seems fighting for your life was all you had strength to do.  I saw that.  I think if things had been different, maybe you would have had the power to make things easier for you.  I think of you often and hope you get better, your so much younger than I am.  

[Margm]

Good gracious Gwen.  You need help taking care of YOU, you don't need to take care of someone that is unstable.  You are providing her a place to stay, but if you live in fear of her, she is not helping.  I don't think she  is a relative.  One thing I am good at is dishing out advice but I do not know how to take any myself.  I know you need help around you, but not something hindering you that might be unstable.  My heart is with you. 

[Gwenivere]

This is far from an ideal situation.  I’m looking for options.  So good to see you back!  Thank you for your input.  I really missed you

I'm on my own for awhile.  Dee’s is with a friend.  I’m hoping I don’t get smothered in details.  She repeats so much and I want to finish the movie we started last night.  
 

My housekeeper was over and brought smoked salmon.  That’s like gold here.  You'd think it was super common, but most is shipped away and what you can find is very expensive.  It’s a good idea to get to know fishermen here.  
 

Talked to my shtick again today and now I call back again next week.  He wants me dwn to no meds before he’ll do more.  I have no idea what he’s going to do or his reasoning.  All I know is he wants to change meds.  And what I’ve written so many times, that he has power and is using it.  We’ve never talked as partners.  I thought docs and patients were supposed to do that.  

Still hounding my surgeon about the walking i pain and damage.  Feeling yucky from the antibiotics.  My housekeeper might move to South America.  When diid life become so much loss so rapidly?  
 

💕 to all.

 

 

[KarenK]

It seems really unethical and dangerous to wait until you are out of medications to order more, especially those types of meds. You can't just quit them cold turkey.

I've never felt in partnership with any doctor. Of course, I rarely needed to visit one at all until the last few years. Had a hysterectomy at 38, so didn't that doc any more. Did feel a kinship with my dentist of 40+ years and was a bit surprised when he retired suddenly without any warning. He is close to 80 though, so it could have been for many different reasons.

I also thought salmon would be relatively inexpensive in your area. Way back when, we used to get smoked salmon from Costco or Sam's Club as a special Xmas treat. It's always been expensive here, but was so yummy.

[kayc]

My response is the same as Karen's, plus as hard as it is for you to get them from the pharmacy, does he think this magically happens in 5 min. and you can just drive there?!!  

I met my two remaining sisters in Eugene for birthday lunch yesterday, DIL brought grandkids, she never looked at or addressed me, nor did she pay her share of the bill, she never does!  I just find that odd.  It was good to see my sister Polly, it's been a year, also my grandkids!  Anyway, what got me started on this is I got some salmon and crab yesterday and best of all the place gives free birthday meals!

 

[Margm]

I know when they went to HMO so many years ago, my doc moved to another hospital, so I moved too.  My doc that saved my life sat in front of me and said "You scare me."  I did, but he put an 8 year temporary fix that all the consults did not agree to.  I do not think we will ever have it like Marty's doctor dad's time ever again..  My sister's family physician won't even see her.  She depended on him, talking to him, helped with her many COPD medications..  I wonder if he feels some guilt for treating for hemorrhoids when it was cancer.  I do not know, but spent four of my working years in a department that trained residents for the urology specialty.  A bunch of sweet guys, some laggards, one who thought he was a superior doctor, but another who failed to diagnose my sister's first cancer.  Examined her, because she was still bleeding, and she never went back to him, it felt like a rape to her.  He was angry, he was a superGod doctor and should have diagnosed her female cancer.  He was qualified.  Should have been anyhow.  So they come in all shapes, sizes, intellects, and one that went to this Arkansas town because the fly fishing was good.  I think they are taught now "spend no more than 15 minutes with each patient."  So, we depend on them and "first do no harm" has turned in to "first, do nothing to get sued for."  I am more content seeing advanced practice RN's.  But, I still see my family practice doc that is determined to treat my essential tremor although I've said "no more new pills."  If I'm in an advanced stage of anxiety (sometimes), I take a Xanax, that my FP doctor says will give me dementia.  I actually do not think I need a pill to help or hinder that.  It is what it is.

[KarenK]

Kay,

Happy Belated Birthday! Glad you were able to be with at least part of your family.

What is with your DIL? She always seems so disrespectful to you unless she wants something. Did she just expect you to disappear when she married your son? I'm glad she at least brought your grandkids.

[kayc]

Karen,
I doubt she thinks, at least in regards to me.  She's a challenge.  I do my best to get along with her but I won't be shoved around either.
Marg, I was told that about my sleeping pills too but so does lack of sleep!  So I choose to have the sleep, I went without it for many many years.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve heard about the dementia connection too.  It is how I’ve been feeling.  I also look at all I’ve been facing and so long on opiates and see they are be the culprits.  We do slow down, but not as rapidly and I can pinpoint when it started.   
 

I've spent a couple hours trying to figure out how my anxiety and pain meds got so low.  7.  They’re significantly lower than what I was prescribed when I started seeing my shrink.  I can’t figure it out for when.  He’s giving me so much grief about what I’m on now but he prescribed the higher doses.  This physical mess I’m in from surgery has me more anxious than I’ve ever been.  He wants me on a cliffs edge of having none before he’ll call i more in case they need to be ordered.  Fortunately I have extra because of the unknown drop. 
 

It's gotten so late.  The day is so long and then it’s time to do the long bedtime routine.  Don’t know how I’ll handle a shower today.  I feel this surgery caused the need for another I don’t want. All I know is I’m getting worse.  Having the pressure sore and UTI and having to go in person to the doc……. I’m losing my mind.  Wash, rinse, repair these posts.  Sorry.

[kayc]

Nothing to be sorry for, Gwen.  You're doing better than many of us would in your shoes.  Having to give up my dog would kill me.  Always trying to make the best of it, that's how I see you.  If you can let off any steam here, good.

Our pastor is on vacation so no idea who will be in the pulpit today, or what our music will look like, makes it kind of unnerving when you're on the team and don't know what to expect.  Kitchen cleanup afterwards, will be gone 4 1/2 hours.

[Margm]

Gwen, I am facing this with my much younger sister.  She is so sweet with me, but some of the things she needs done I cannot do.  I've offered to hire help for her but she would just run them off and money is not something I can pull out of my hat.  Would like her to have home help, but she would make it difficult for someone to come in.  (They tried). She wants me to cut her hair, but with my shaking hands, it would be a terrible mistake.  Our small town does not have that many beauty operators and though I still drive, there are some things I cannot afford.  She is qualified for help from the state, but will not accept it.  This is the stubborn streak in our family.  My dad was only days from dying, his brother-in-law had come to help and he, by some force of nature, physically ran him off.  She is still living out of boxes, and for the monumental amount of books she has, I cannot make room.  She does not feel well enough to put them up, and I cannot.  My daughter (when she lived in the apartments) made an enemy of the manager and is not allowed on the premises.  Some things I have to ignore, let go of, and I feel so guilty..  She still drives, and it is in-town traffic, our little city/town has no more than 10,000 or 11,000 people, one Walmart, a bunch of $ stores, two supermarkets.  With the chemo she cannot taste food.  This time seven years ago I was going through this with Billy, but he was such a sweet, compliant patient.  I tried to make like we were going to beat his cancer, but his words to me were "don't you know I see the worry in your eyes."  So many haunting memories, wishing I could have done better/more, but giving up is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Somewhere along the way, God took back my "God button" of optimism.  

You definitely need "in-home" help facing these impossible mountains you have to climb.  I know you have "adopted" the woman that "lives with you??" but she just seems another worry.  As big as Seattle is, there ought to be someone that is dependable that would trade a roof over her head, just to be able to help you.  I wish you had someone to run intervention for you.  

I worry about things/people to trust.  I was unloading my groceries and took my trash out.  Coming back to my car, hatchback up, two women were helping themselves to my groceries.  They  were in a new car, and dropped things when they saw me and ran away.  I learned things like that happen often.  Not to me they didn't.  How do we trust someone?  Maybe if you called an agency, surely if they screened someone that would trade helping you for a place to stay, maybe that would help you too.  I'm not sure (by reading) if the person with you now is helping you.

 

[KarenK]

Good grief, Marg! We always tend to think that small towns have friendlier people and less crime. NOT!!! How disgusting to steal groceries from someone's car, especially someone our age. Too bad you don't have a big mean dog.

[Kieron]

Gwen, sounds like the compassion in your shrink just plain shrunk. 😞

[Gwenivere]

He’d have to have had some to lose.  Never has.  I never realized at first because I didn’t need the help I do now.  He definitely gets off on his power.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

We always tend to think that small towns have friendlier people and less crime.

My hometown lost its biggest industry.  After that, I think meth, etc. became the biggest industry.  My aunts were afraid at night in a neighborhood that we never even locked our doors.  My cousin had a wooden fence built between her and the neighbors so she did not see the late night dealing.  At one time there was a Facebook page that had people following the police everywhere to places that we walked through every day without thought of harm.  Two of the country (and this is pure country) areas above this town had two young fellows shot and killed.  Families became like the Hatfield's and McCoy's.  "In my opinion" in one case it was totally mishandled because a deputy was the father of the shooter.  Had the state police handle it.  He got off without jail time, but the fact he killed his niece's young dad is worse than a jail sentence.  My relatives were sheriff's back in some very hard times and sometimes I cannot brag at all.  It was what it was.  This is the south, but it is happening everywhere now.  I will admit, the two women that were going to help themselves to my groceries did surprise me.  They drove a new car, so it was just steal where steal can, just for the fun of it, I guess.  I think we lost the word "morals" somewhere in the distant past.  

[Gwenivere]

Got totally mixed up on days.  Thought Sunday was Monday even tho I had my Sunday shower.  That we had church meals for tonight and a Zoom call I always do.  Too worn out by…….pain and missing weekly shows.  
 

My shower friend I met in transition is looking &or a roommate situation as her rent is going up and fiancées down temporarily as she always been underpaid and more room than she needs.  This was a. hugs beach of hope as our hours would. pretty mu+h match as she works nights match and she. cooks..  I don’t want rent but help like Dee did with shopping and filling med boxes.  Lots would have to be worked out, but just not feeling totally trapped feels I can breathe a  bit.  I don’t know about transport if transport  it as she works and Dee doesn’t.  One step at a lime..she’d be not on a schedule like Dee which might be hard to get used to.  

I'me really getting to hate evenings.  It used to be end of such a repetitive day, but it’s a continuation of the whole day to the sleep that brings no relief.  

I have no idea what to wear to the doc Tuesday.  Coldest day of the week, hope my shoes fit and hate it takes so much times driving parking, getting in, waiting for doc that will be late for 20 minutes and have to come back.  Oh, and pay to park.  What a rip of.  What else ya gonna do there?  The urgent clinics  don’t charge.  
 

Done venting another day.  💕 to new-and veteran.

 

 

[KarenK]

I remember you said you had a good relationship with your shower person. Maybe she will be a light in this dark tunnel you are in right now. Hope it all works out for your benefit.

I sometimes lose track of the days also. Doesn't really matter to me as I have no place to go. Last time I left the house was maybe 6 weeks ago for a haircut. Heck, even if I could drive, I couldn't afford the gas to go anywhere.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

She is qualified for help from the state, but will not accept it. 

She is putting you in a horrible situation with pressure and a can't win.  You have to realize, dear Marg, that you can only do what you can do, you can't be and do all things to her.  I remember my sister Polly telling me when I was taking care of Peggy that Peggy had made her choices...they were not mine (nor the consequences!) and my sister Peggy INVENTED STUBBORNNESS!!!  I had to set boundaries...I greatly injured my hands (not even one I've counted as I've had so many) putting her big heavy walker in/out of my Civic so many times in a day.  She exhausted me with her needs and demands.  I love/d her more than anything in the world but she did seem to presume upon me more than I could handle.  Sometimes we have to choose ourselves.  SHE needs to pay for what she can and/or accept help from the state.  Pure and simple.  I understand them refusing, I used to try talking to Peggy that she could stay in her home and the state would provide for her needs once she'd exhausted her resources, yet she too never  listened.  She always tried putting everything on me.  (Interesting I was not left in her will.  Nor my mom's.)  
PLEASE take care of yourself.  I too have the shaky hands.  I have had to go to "less is more" with makeup and it's getting harder and harder to draw eyebrows on, the last bit in my "makeup" routine remaining!  If I could afford to I'd have them tattooed on like my little sister did!  I worry they'd say oops and I'd lived with it!

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

He’d have to have had some to lose.  Never has.

This is very apparent, and NOT to his credit!  I wish you had a new shrink or doctor that would take care of you.  Your comfort should be paramount!

9 hours ago, Marg M said:

I think meth, etc. became the biggest industry.

Seems to be in our sleepy little town too.  Our town is wonderful, but too many drugged out people stealing, breaking into cars/homes!  And they have no feelings!  Drugs does that to them.  Fortunately most do not have vehicles and do not come up the mountain here.  Thank God!  And I have neighbors, they all have dogs and they'd bark, so would Kodie!  He alerts me when someone just goes by or a skunk is on the prowl, I can count on him as my alert-er!

Gwen, the shower person sounds like possibly a consideration.  Keeping fingers crossed and still holding your situation in prayer!

 

[Margm]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Oh, and pay to park.

MD Anderson charged $4.00 to park in 1982.  I wonder what that would be in todays money world.

[Margm]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My shower friend I met in transition is looking &or a roommate situation as her rent is going up and fiancées down temporarily as she always been underpaid and more room than she needs.

Got to be a solution better than someone who might not be there.  I'm not sure this "Dee person" is using you, seems to see you needing help and perhaps takes advantage.  I do not know the situation, but know you are not able to put up a fight and may have to get a restraining order.  Just know you need someone to help you.  Advice is cheap, does not cost me a penny, but the long fight you have been in, this does worry me.  I think we all have some sort of monster "out there."  Not sure those people were trying to steal my groceries as my granddaughter said one spoke to her (she was inside and outside helping).  Scares me that I might be paranoid, and think that is a sign of Alzheimer's.  It is hard trying to be independent, in your case, when that is what you have been all your life.  Now you need help.  I have help, but I am at the age that my independence is gone too.  If I want to get off by myself, I have to tell everyone where I'm going and when I will be back and my sister always wants to know "why?"  Also, I cannot be totally independent as they can get a "silver alert" out on me.  Billy and I both had that happen when we extended our vacation one day a few years ago without telling our grown children.  Also when I went to sleep with earphones on and woke up with three police cars and an ambulance right after Billy left.  I could not hear phone ring.  They were ready to knock down my door.  I do not sleep with earbuds anymore.  

A person is under their parents thumbs, then their husbands and then their children's.  Golden years my A$$.

[Gwenivere]

Dee isn’t taking advantage of me.  She has serious mental problems.  She does  so much around here that helps so much.  I’ve described her behavior many times.  It’s the knowing she is 'off' every time I see her that is getting to me.  She doesn’t react normally to situations and repeats constantly   It’d take too much typing to explain it all.  Unfortunately, she’s in a difficult mood tonight while I’m trying to hold it together.   Started with caring about me so much and twisted to my doing something wrong.  It mostly goes that way. Stopping here as it’s too hard to paint the whole picture, plus I need her and that angers me as a result of the surgery complication that they won’t call a failure.  The wrath I feel about that is enormous.

I'm sitting here in very high anxiety.  I’m so stressed about going to the doctor today.  I’m confused that the home care that came out didn’t tell me about an over the counter ointment to use.  But no pharmacy has it.   My doctor got their notes.and pictures. I’m not sure why he’s making me come in for how hard it will be, yet wanting to see it.  Going to an appointment was never a big deal til this.  Washing a spoon has me In agony.  So ride in a car, get a wheelchair, and oxygen, short visit and reverse it all?  And none of this helps with the big picture.  Then back to the same old prison.  I usually do 3 hose walks by the time we need to leave.  I’m going to try and skip that part of the day’s routine.  I don’t dare eat while taking the antibiotics. 

Trying to call about above med stuff wasn’t possible with my doc.  They were closed which I was surprised at. 
 

Dee got it together for movie time   Being out around people acting 'normal' changes her for hours getting home.  No wonder I get tense when I hear her car around 6.  It’s like waking up.  Instant mass anxiety.  Don’t like going to sleep as it goes too fast and so much med withdrawal.

 

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I have followed you daily for years, trust me, I think you have painted a very clear and accurate picture of your situation not only with the "medical" but also with your situation with Dee.  I think the fact your seem trapped is so incredibly hard, beyond anything any of us know in our daily lives, and yet there are many out there that are in the same situation.  

I guess it was Columbus/Indigenous day.  I talked to one person who liked it as Indigenous, another who touts Columbus...another divisive thing in America.  Geez we can't even have a holiday and agree!  I lean more to Indigenous due to my husband being Native American, also learned about what we were taught in school starting with the US on a white horse, not! not) for another day!

I'm glad you got movie time together to enjoy.  It's the constant anxiety that's a killer and your doctor wanting to take your meds, I do not like that man!  I feel angry on your behalf!

[Margm]

Gwen, as you know, I have been AWOL for a long time.  You have your right to have any help you need.  For sure, I do not know.  I deal with enough mental problems that I have no answers for, I cannot diagnose or advise anyone else.  It would be the pot calling the kettle black.  You know this woman, if she is the help you need, then I am very happy for you.  Sometimes I talk when I do not know what I'm talking about.  I think that has probably been evident.  I have no answers and honestly, I can't remember my questions anymore. 

[Gwenivere]

Thanks as always, Kay.  I got a message this morning from a home health company to replace Dee.  She heard it too and I reminded her I had looked into it after several threats she was leaving.  I’m hoping it doesn’t start another huge discussion as I was up front about it when I did it weeks ago.  It’s so obvious I can’t be alone  every day.  Food, help with mail, meds, keeping the car running, etc.  problem with these companies are they are  few days a week and a stretch of hours.  It would have to be well planned out and no more already prepared meals from the community center and church. I don’t know what I’d do with someone for 3 hours for a time.  

I talked to Dee about this habit of taking her days out on me and she remarkably heard me and we discussed it well.  She agreed and apologized.  Things are going well tonight, but it would have to continue.  There’s the risk.  If it works, it’s a very workable situation

Have a  counseling session with Jinny today.  Have so much to go over about how to deal with this went so wrong and being told being told assistant living and a pain clinic is my only option over more even more surgery more painful and longer recovery in pain.  
 

Had started 1883 on Netflix but mail slowed things down.  Trying a 2nd one from this library that’s doing nothing for me.  Hoping I get the next disc today.  So hard to get into anything.  Got out of going to the docs in person yesterday.  I just couldn’t take all it would take. I couldn’t barely get through the Zoom.  Now I wait and see what he calls in.  He. doesn’t want me sleeping on that side which makes sense, but worse for me. Makes for an even longer horrid day.  Whining over.  Got a. Brand day to do it again.