My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Just wondering how one controls what side they sleep on, as it seems to take on a mind of it's own once you're asleep!  Always wondered about that.  I start out on one side but sometimes switch during the night when I'm not cognizant.

Glad your discussion with Dee went well...hope/wish it'd continue, cautiously...

I don't see how they can suggest surgery again when this one has been so awful!  It seems to me they've offered no real solutions or taken responsibility for what was done to you!  I'm very angry with your back surgeon, honestly, would like five minutes with him but would need my strength back as I'm rather useless as is. 

I did manage to defrost my freezer yesterday morning when the air quality went from 800 to 300...so nice to have that done!  It always amazes me how when you take everything out you can no longer put it all back in!  I gave away my juices to my neighbor, Tupperware and all!  I tossed my Boca burgers as I can no longer eat them (too high carbs in both).  I found a couple packages of bacon I didn't know I had.  Mostly meat with some berries.  I resolved to eat more from my freezer!  I tend to stay to the house refrigerator/freezer more.

So glad you have your counselor to talk to, and your housekeeper!  Both so important.  

 

[Margm]

Again, not sure my words can help anyone.  My sister wanted me to cut her hair.  It needed it badly.  She is not like my daughter, my daughter can find any help she needs at any time.  She wanted me to cut it but I'm dangerous with a knife or scissors, I could have cut her ear off.  Gave her my clippers I use to keep mine from getting on my neck, and she gave herself something similar to a Mohawk.  Actually looks good.  She looks like my dad so much.  I gave her a 10 inch Kindle and will try to set it up tomorrow.  I think Brianna sets mine up, but I'm going to try.  Really, I'm not that good for much anymore except seeming to keep living.  When I hurt, I know it is from the colon rupture and will give it a few minutes and hope it "repairs" itself.  Can't take anything stronger than Tylenol for pain.  Think I won't try to give any silly advice anymore.  I will check in from time to time.  You all take care of yourselves, I've found that is all I can do.  Everybody has problems, some worse than others.  A teacher/coach near us passed away at 49.  Kept in good health, no problems, body in good shape. They had an estate sale.  He had no family.  My sister's kids she babysat for all her teen years, he was a rehab pro, his death was announced today.  He is my son's age.  Health rehabilitation was his job.  It was his heart too.  Billy will be gone seven years Monday.  We just KOKO as best we can.

[KarenK]

Marg, don't stray too far. Being old does not make us useless. It makes us experienced. Nothing silly about your advice. It is greatly appreciated.

From one old codger to another, take care.

[scba]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

Again, not sure my words can help anyone. Think I won't try to give any silly advice anymore. 

Hello Marg. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You have a sister in misery here too. My words cannot help anyone either and I promise from today to try my best to not give advice any more, be them smart or silly. 

I'm not speaking of this sacred place. I'm talking about my family. I have been caught in my pride and have been punished, humiliation included in my own humble home. I put my nose around people who from my point of view is dealing with major mental health issues as I cannot understand why they behave in such a way. My 8 months pregnant SIL is staying at my place because her own mother can't have her cause her dog is old and cries and scare her. I questioned that notion that choice. I don't understand it. My own brother felt my questioning as an attack to her own wife. She cried.

It must have behaved very bad in another life, if such a thing truly exists. I thought I have already paid my dues but I was wrong. I have a lot to learn from people I can't truly understand and they are my own family. 

This is all wrong. This is because my boyfriend died. I am in a room, closed doors, and my SIL is sobbing I can hear her. Yes, this is because my boyfriend died cause we lived in another country so I shouldn't be here in this room in this apartment. 

I have been wrong since the moment I thought he would survive and wake up. From there I have been wrong every day.

Don't go far away dear Marg. 

[Margm]

You sweet girl.  We all have trouble at some time with our families.  I used to think I had the most bizarre dysfunctional family, then I thought of Adam and Eve.  And family does not have to be blood.  I hope I live long enough to see my granddaughter find herself.  Family are the ones that help us out when we are down.  You are family.  I can't give myself advice, I know things that I should do, but I won't do them.  Counselor tells my granddaughter to write in a notebook "I love myself" on each page.  My notebook says "bitch, bitch, bitch" on each page.  I'm sorry your having problems.  My daughter forgets I'm 80.  They can drag us down, they can also lift us up.  One of her friends will take her to doc on 17th.  If they'd let me have beer, I'd just cry in it.  Somehow they don't write country songs about crying in your ginger ale.  I don't have to go far away, I'm already out there.  I do miss Billy so much, be it ageism, be it my whole life, It is what it is.  Y'all all are my family too.  We all share feelings we can't help.  I know it is a sin to judge people, but overeating and judging are the only two things I can do now.  I have a new/old elliptical I'm gonna try soon.  My daughter brought it to me, picked it up and sat it down, and she is not supposed to be lifting at all.  Right now it is a good place to hang my purse.  I don't want anyone to hurt. We can't stop that.  

[Gwenivere]

Going to have run today trying to update things with the bank.  I tried online and it’s impossible as they assume you have a smartphone.  I found I need to get my computer running as it won’t come on after being off for over a year.  That means getting the Geek Squad out here. I don’t want to totally dependent on the iPad for mail or business.  I can’t truly check the monitor, mouse or keypad as both are cordless.   I hardly remember how to use that computer.  Sure don’t want to not have a backup tho.  
 

Got another bomb dropped on me.  In her effort to please everyone, and in this case herself which she deserves to do, Dee’s going to Hawaii for a week.  This leaves me in a bad position.  She said she can leave a weeks food and have  my pills set up.  I also have a care company but has that 3 hour window which complicates things. I don’t think they will do this for just a week   to find a care giver for just a week   I need some time to decide if I switch. Plus how to make that that work to do do in 3 hour increments.  I need help at morning, and bedtime too.  So thats noon and 4am.  I need help every day.  Bird care, some food shopping and errands.  I explained this to Dee, but she’s not getting the big picture. I’m not yet either til I have a date she is going.  

Another night with whacky Dee.  I’d describe it, but living it was enough.

Exterminator coming first thing.  Didn’t do the inside last time and am seeing spiders.  Hopefully this puts an end to that.  Hoping I get a call for my hip RX's.

Heats running.  We did a lot to make this house nice, but no killing the drafts with one thermostat.
 

to them and retain the team for later when I have more time to think about it .    

[KarenK]

Did you decide against having your shower person as a caregiver? Maybe she could help you while Dee is gone.

I rarely use my computer since I got the Kindle. Can do everything I need to on it, except empty the email trash. Not sure that's possible on the Kindle.

Still using AC here, probably through end of Oct. Pretty typical.

[kayc]

Marg, you don't need to fix anyone/anything here, we just love having you here is all!  You can set up a Kindle, you're doing better than me!  I dreamed last night we had to evacuate and (my laptop died a month or two ago) I had to set up a new one and I was lost, darned new operating systems!  Why can't they keep Windows 7!

No way in hell I'd cut someone's hair!  And not just because of my shaky hands, I'm inept at it!  Last time I tried was over 12 years ago, I was out of work and broke and cut my hair, I looked like a xxxx with a bad haircut, I vowed never again, I'd go without eating and pay someone to cut my hair!  I'm lucky I have someone local.  And there's a hairdresser next door if worse comes to worse!  Not to mention 16 years ago I tried to cut my son's...he stopped me when he heard me say whoops!  I gave away my barber stuff.

9 hours ago, scba said:

Yes, this is because my boyfriend died cause we lived in another country so I shouldn't be here in this room in this apartment. 

  You belong here too.

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

Somehow they don't write country songs about crying in your ginger ale.

LOL!  I love it.

Gwen, I'm kind of in the same boat with my computer issues, can't use my phone, it's old, doesn't get reception at home, can't do anything on it.  Laptop died.  I miss it so much!  Kindle dead from disuse, it turns on but that's it.  Wondering if it was disuse that made my laptop go beserk...it was day 3 of using it that it went bonkers, can't do a thing.  I know my son could fix it if he had time but he doesn't, it's at his house, 8/21 updated it there and 8/23 it wouldn't work.

Yes, what about your shower person?  Did Dee not PLAN this trip to Hawaii?  Seems rather spur of the moment, sprung on you!

[Margm]

I used to consider myself a survivor and knew happiness as I knew it was not possible, but I thought it encouragement to new widow/er's to know that in time they would be able to see the seasons change.  I felt on another level because I could not see anything the first couple of years.  My family tells me things I did and I think "How was I ever that brave?" and then I realized it was not bravery, just robotism in its lowest form.  Having felt I had failed Billy by "not allowing" him to pass on, it haunted me.  My family tells me that he knew me better than anyone and he knew that I just could not/would not let him go.  I settled myself into  knowing that, feeling that, and then those damn three old girlfriends of his had to die and they all left me here alone.  I do know the verse from 1 Corinthians 13:12, but I also know I'm not the most religious person in the world, and I still wear my mustard seed necklace.  Sometimes you feel you cannot try to help anymore, but I'm not gone, as of this minute, so I guess I have not given up yet.  Then I think, "only the good die young."  (At least I can still think and sometimes remember what I thought, if I write it down.)

[Gwenivere]

17 hours ago, kayc said:

Yes, what about your shower person?  Did Dee not PLAN this trip to Hawaii?  Seems rather spur of the moment, sprung on you!

Dee was offered this Hawaii trip last spring but she was taking care of the house and not in a hurry.  The guy just sprung it on her a couple of days ago.  I need more notice.  I asked if she could wait til after the holidays.  She has to decide and talk to him.  I think she’d be fine with spring. He is very elderly (90 or so) and wealthy.  So some decides on him.  He may not feel he has time to wait.  
 

Now I hear another section of my fence is leaning and need to call my landscapers and see if they can fix it.  1 post needs to be stabilized. If not, I need to call someone for that.  1 part was by chain link and Dee did it.  This is a post in the full cedar.  
 

Finally finished my antibiotics.  Hoping my stomach feels better.  Had to deal with pharmacies all day.  The exterminator.  Going to have an 80 degree day Sunday.  Unheard of here.  
 

morning to all.
 

 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

1 Corinthians 13:12

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

Yes, it shows how our enlightenment will expand when at last we reach where they are.   Until then, we see through a glass darkly...

I just discovered that my fence post is leaning, I thought it was set in cement but evidently not...and the fence guy has gotten older and has physical problems, not sure who to call...right now, no one.  I think one of the branches struck it when Jack was trimming, also the wire mesh was pulled out, I managed to barely pull it in and wire it shut, with extra long bread ties, LOL!  Will hold unless/until it gets struck again.  Need someone who can handle tougher wire...

I understand Dee's wanting to go while the guy is still alive and offer still stands, it's just unfortunate it leaves you in a world of hurt.  Oh gosh, Gwen, I hope/pray you find a solution!

Blood sugar up, likely from smoke, throat sore, it's been 800s lately, 300 is hazardous.  They're saying now through December!  Ugh, that' means we're only halfway done.  And by then the winter snows, double ugh!  I only got 2 1/2 decent months this Spring/Summer, out of the entire year!!

 

[Gwenivere]

 Another day of despair.  Thank gawd I looked at my morning meds as there was a double dose of pain pills.  Found out the ointment has been at the pharmacy but no call. Trying to let Dee know as she is picking up 2 others..  have to call several other places before the weekend.  Don’t know if she talked to the Hawaii guy.  
 

Now I have the ointment for the wound and have to sleep on the uncomfortable side.  This is going to be awful.  There is no getting comfortable or getting on that hip fully.  Have to start with it tonight.  Got my refills from the shrink and he’s cutting me down a half mg. Of each anxiety med a day.  I need to make another cut on the pain ones too.  This pressure sore is complicating my whole day.  I talked to a nurse about cleaning it and got the recliner and had to remind her I can’t lay on my back and I couldn’t anyway.  Not for overnight. 
 

More drama with Dee.  Amazes me the new ways that come up.  Really trying to figure out how I could use the 3 day a week service.  Would not be inexpensive and a lot of wasted hours.  A lot more lonely time.  This is a mess.  
 

Time to prepare for bed.  Now i get to add wound care to the day.  I have help now but if it goes back to myself it’s going to be crossing  my fingers I  cover it well.  My kindom for a faity godmother nurse!  I’m also supposed to lower 3 meds at once.  Goa ae to call about that.  There’s only so much a person can do at one time.

 

 

 

[kayc]

Our air was  1300 yesterday, my throat/tongue actively broke out all over, that and my eyes burning.

I evacuated to my son's last night.  East winds blowing our way  this weekend.   
Gwen your life...I just don't know what to say, I'm so sorry!

[V. R.]

So sorry Kay, is it ever going to end? 😒

Wishing you all the very best. 

[V. R.]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There’s only so much a person can do at one time.

You're so right Gwen, I really feel for you. You just don't deserve this, I hope you manage to get a good home-carer soon. Life would definitely be much easier for you if you had a reliable, professional carer by your side. 

 

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Our air was  1300 yesterday, my throat/tongue actively broke out all over, that and my eyes burning.

I know you'd rather be at your home.  I worry about our hurricanes and tornados, heavy humidity, but I never think about what NM, Arizona, California, and all up the coast, what you all have to go through.  I'm so sorry.  I read about a NM fire that burned through one of our campgrounds we had gone to a few times.  I was glad I got to see it when it was beautiful and green.  I was hoping the ocean being close would help blow away the winds, but obviously I do not know about other parts of this country.  My sister said the air in my apartment was heavy yesterday.  I had thermostat on 76, so I put it to 74.  Put it back to 75 when she left and we are forecast temps in the 30's as lows next week.  It is 87 right now.  I hope you get to go home soon.  I wonder if it is aggravating to Gwen in Seattle and I think Dee is in Washington also.  Kevin's -degrees sure made me think I do not know this continent at all.  

[Widow2015]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

  I wonder if it is aggravating to Gwen in Seattle and I think Dee is in Washington also.

Marg:  Your memory is great to recall I lived in Washington!!!  Yes, Gwen is in Seattle and I'm about 30 miles south of Seattle.  There has been some smoke in my area but doesn't compare to Kay's area.  I imagine Gwen is having more smoke issues than I since the Bolt Creek fire is North of Seattle.  There is an air quality alert until Monday.  My Granddaughter is suffering some since she has asthma issues.  Reading Kay's reports, I won't complain.   Dee

[Gwenivere]

I had a heck of a time going to sleep last night. Couldn’t stop coughing.  Triggered the back pain.  Can see the haze in the day and really bright lights like at the Mariner game right now.

[Widow2015]

50 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Couldn’t stop coughing.  Triggered the back pain.  

Gwen:  So sorry you're being affected by the wildfire smoke.  According to the weather reports the Puget Sound area will be on air quality alert until Monday.  😢 Keeping you and kay in my thoughts.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Totally wiped out yesterday.. This sleeping on the opposite side and Dee drinking made for too much to deal with.  My bath friend came by because I spaced out it wasn’t Sunday as usual.  So that’s delayed to next Friday.  Days off have changed.
 

Just don’t care about anything.  I only semi enjoy DVD TV time.  Less and less to contribute here.  No one understands including the doctors.  Not like there’s anyone.  Maybe that’s the problem, so many say they’re sorry, and ;*pof*, there’re gone.  
 

I've been trying to find a warm lounge for the winter.  Trying o get answers about  med cuts. Nothing makes sense.  Forced to feel more despair.  Body not working and being reminded ever single minute.  Even in dreams.  Thanks as always for a home.

[kayc]

Fri. night I spent hours setting up on new laptop.  Did I mention I hate Microsoft?!  And they sick McAfee on you.  Having to pay God knows what for Windows 360.  All of it more than my internet can handle.

My tongue/throat issue is bad and has my blood sugar elevated for who knows how long.  

Electric company may turn off power again for who knows how long.  I'll lose my food again.   This is annoying and expensive.  Any politicians care???  Ha!

DIL assumed I'd babysit while they went out for the night, I did and dog sit too but would it hurt to just ask?  
Went to my grandson's game and ran errands and ate lunch at 3...out for many hours, Kodie was with me.  Wondering if I'll survive the evac...it's only been 1 1/2 days...

Gwen I'm truly sorry you're coughing.  I have been too, and can't breathe, my eyes still burn.  I'm tired.  Want to go home.

[Gwenivere]

Had my Sunday afternoon chat per usual.  Dee's picking up our dinners.  Another woman asked her to pick up 2 for her despite her telling her that she didn’t want to wait around and wasn’t going to anymore.  But she did.  At least she’s not waiting at the church but going to have some alone time and the woman will  have to come to her.  Dee was going to go to the pharmacy for stuff I need and  I told. Her they can wait til Monday. 
 

Haven’t heard back from my shrink about this 3 drug med cut all at once.  2 or then being his.  Could I have stumped him?  That would be grand !  

I ordered a flannel shirt to sit in for 5he winter from  Amazon.  Hopefully i5 will be warm  enough.  Always a gamble w hen you can’t t r6 something first.  
 

Back to 1883 for movie time.  I felt awful after dinner.  Doesn’t matter if it’s healthy or junk.  So I did burger, chips and chocolate.  Have to get some Mirilax.  Darned pain meds.  Have to get my shower late afternoon Friday when the housekeeper is here unless I cancel her this week.  But it would be the same in another 2 weeks.  I prefer about 1pm over 4.  But this a huge favor.  It’s just more painful the  later it is.  
 

Dion't remember snoozing my alarm yesterday.  Thank goodness Dee woke me up so I wasn’t off schedule for meds.  Time to do it again.  I’m so done with this existence.  😰

[kayc]

Came home last night, was SO EXHAUSTED!!! Everyone but my son talks constantly if they're awake.  Murray is always on.  I get why my son likes his shop!  Murray humping on Kodie, poor little Kodie, all the time!  I waited to make sure the winds didn't make the fire jump the line and houses still standing, when it made it through I was outta there!

They went out to eat three times when I was there, no one ever offered me any food, Bethany fixed burritos Sun. am, I was there, never even offered a taste!  I was babysitter and the kids talked incessantly, Murray making racket.  Bruno (dog) reminds me of my son, looking for a quiet room/corner to be in, ha!

SO GOOD TO BE HOME!!!  I slept 8 1/4 hours straight!  So did Kodie, he's still asleep!  Murray didn't even leave us alone at night!  Panther looks good, one ear is great, the other improved (ear mites).  He was so happy to see us!

Gwen, I hope you both enjoyed your meal last night and got some t.v. time in together!  I remember starting out watching something then shutting it off before 8!

 

[Margm]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I was there, never even offered a taste!

You were there.  You should not have to be offered.  You want some of what they are cooking?  Get your portion and if anyone says something, tell them that you thought they had enough sense to feed a guest.  You are your son's mom, who really is family, not a guest.  

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Came home last night, was SO EXHAUSTED!!! Everyone but my son talks constantly if they're awake. 

I think there's a reason why we have kids when we're young, Kay! Much as we love our grands, the older we get, the more we appreciate our quiet time ❤️ So glad you are back home and safe ❤️