My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Very concerned, will be until we hear from her...

 

[Gwenivere]

Keeping  Marty in my thoughts thru these storms.  Watching the news s absolutely frightening.   I.hope we hear from her soon.

 I keep forgetting to post mine before going to bed.  Last  night was another night with Dee’s behavior.  Had to lay some things on the line this morning.   I’m lining up an agency if needed. 

Food has been so much a problem since getting home.  It’s healthier, but the sitting really makes it uncomfortable.  This reinforces my frustration about not getting any help.  

 I checked on my pain meds and-my doc didn’t drop the dose.  I’m surprised.  I already dropped it a bit.  The surgeon is sending a pain cliic r referral..  I know I'd need to go in person andI do not do downtown.  This also doesn’t solve the inability to stand remotely close to normal.  Have to wait a week to talk to the clinic.  
 

Have a project with property taxes.  They want twice as much from me than is even on the website. All it shows is what I owe end of October.  

I've been reading other topics here from the newly bereaved members.  How hard those times are. I w ish I could offer wise or comforting words.  I’ve tried. a couple of times.  It shows me how it becomes glued to our very being.  Some find love again but it’s not the same.  My mother did.  Keven did.  I’ve gotten different levels of love from a couple of people.  The well will never be full again.   It can’t be for me.  Some tings you just know.  My mom remarried at 42.  She would never speak of my father.  His sister, who became known to me later told me their fairy tale history.  I know she loved my stepfather, but it was different of course.  That she worked so hard to make it secretive is very odd.  Even as an adult I couldn’t get info tho she saved so many pictures of him and them. 
 

October already?
 

 

 

 

[KarenK]

I wonder if your tax amount is messed up from the check that was lost in the mail. Did you ever send a replacement check?

I hope your surgeon finds a pain clinic near your home. Would make it a bit easier. I don't think doctors take distance into consideration unfortunately.

[Gwenivere]

I have to call about the tax confusion.   My check is written for this month only.  I don't know why I sent it in without  the tab but they sent it back wanting this new mystery charge.  It doesn’t even show on the site online. All my calls were fruitless. Gould not get connected w ith a person.  Left voicemails.  
 

My shrink wants a Zoom meeting next Tuesday to talk about all the changes he wants to make. He wants to change antidepressant.s. I  o not.  He wants me off all the anxiety meds that worked for over 30 years.  I do not.  He could just cut me off, but that is very dangerous for the dependence.  Hopefully he will wean me off them This is precisely why I have a stash  Haven’t figured out what to b next, who I can look for.  My worry is these new class of meds don’t work for everyone will make finding  continuation of whats worked for decades extremely hard to continue.  
 

This adds another layer of complication to life.  Living with what it is is.hard enough.   Trying to find keeps proving beyond challenging is exhausting. ,

First day of October here and going to be a record temp day.  80 hasn’t been seen here in decades.  💕 to all.  

 

[kayc]

Proud of you, Gwen for getting a backup plan in place.

Just got home from retreat, exhausted, son said he'd be here late afternoon, now says later (?)...bringing grandson, he's never been here.  Kind of nervous as I just got back myself...hoping he can get my rope replaced in my wood stove, it looks too big but it's what the book said so that's what I ordered.  Fingers crossed.  It's one of those idiotic wood stoves you have to take everything apart to get to the door...ugh.  My old Earth Stove was so easy...

Been trying to find out something about Marty's area...

Oh Gwen, just read about your shrink wanting you off Rxs that were working for you...I can imagine how that sends your anxiety!  I am so sorry, I wish he could be more reasonable...

[KarenK]

Marty may not have internet or even power at this point. Her area was hit hard, I believe.

My SIL's mother and stepfather live in Fort Myers(hit hardest). I've not seen them in years, but hope they are okay.

Glad you made it home safely from your retreat, Kay. I meant to ask you if Kodie went with you.

[Gwenivere]

My taxes to file came today. I so hate dealing with that stuff.  Another Steve, job and med mess which is a reminder.  Got a refund on an overpayment from rehab I used to pay the accountant.  So much for having a little extra for something I buy.  But grateful of the timing.   This coming week has 4 ays of  disruption that are overwhelming.  I’m even wanting to skip my shower Sunday.  Planning on skipping my hair.  I checked my weight and it’s the same, so glad about that as I don’t do much but try and stay healthy.   Don’t need to add more for my back to support.

 I’m trying to coordinate with Dee getting my meds done for another week since s he has a huge  emotional day Wednesday.  I know it’s going to mess her up.

Saturday nights are so dull.  I miss when they were special.  Same with Sunday's and BBQ's.  Hard to determine what days are what except financial institutions are open during the week. 

I really don’t have. anything to say, but I need to connect here.  I’m so grateful it’s hers .  All of you I read.  I miss the people that used to write more.  Life keeps changing for everyone.  I just miss hearing their grief journey.  Maybe I’m just weird.  Lord knows I’m in the situation for it.  

All thoughts for Marty and everyone in the storm zones.

 

 

[KarenK]

Nothing much happening here except it seems to be "repair time". It started with a bathroom light switch which hasn't been fixed yet. I don't really mind leaving the light on. At least it illuminates the hallway so I won't trip over the dog again.  lol  Then one toilet needed the tank parts replaced. My son took care of it. On to the kitchen faucet. Bought a cheap one two years ago and learned my lesson.  So I bought a better one and my son took care of that. While he was putting it in he said " Now I know why dad was always doing stuff to the house.". So true!  Next up is a bathroom faucet which is leaking badly. That should be fixed in a couple of days. So thankful my son can take care of this stuff.

Confused and not happy with my cable company. They sent emails with special pricing offers which they refuse to honor when you call in to discuss them. No one could tell me why and of course you couldn't talk to a supervisor. Just haven't had an opportunity to go to an office to discuss this in person. My cable/internet is very expensive already and I have no premium channels. Just another one of those things you can't live without because you're so used to having it. We are really brainwashed!!

[kayc]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

I meant to ask you if Kodie went with you.

Oh yes!  My son arrived here with my grandson at 8 pm last night so I stayed up until 10:15 pm.  After this week, it's going to be hard to get back on schedule!  He brought my new laptop last night but never looked at it so I reckon it doesn't have anything Office Compatible.  He'll replace the wood stove gasket today.  

[kayc]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

My cable/internet is very expensive already and I have no premium channels. Just another one of those things you can't live without because you're so used to having it.

For sure, it's how I feel about Dish as well.  Expensive for basic!  Everything is high anymore.  Social Security raises don't touch it, they don't even consider gas/groceries when figuring inflation and they're the worst offenders!

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

All thoughts for Marty and everyone in the storm zones.

I hope we can hear from her soon, it's been a long week wondering how she is...

[nashreed]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My taxes to file came today. I so hate dealing with that stuff.  Another Steve, job and med mess which is a reminder.  Got a refund on an overpayment from rehab I used to pay the accountant.  So much for having a little extra for something I buy.  But grateful of the timing.   This coming week has 4 ays of  disruption that are overwhelming.  I’m even wanting to skip my shower Sunday.  Planning on skipping my hair.  I checked my weight and it’s the same, so glad about that as I don’t do much but try and stay healthy.   Don’t need to add more for my back to support.

 I’m trying to coordinate with Dee getting my meds done for another week since s he has a huge  emotional day Wednesday.  I know it’s going to mess her up.

Saturday nights are so dull.  I miss when they were special.  Same with Sunday's and BBQ's.  Hard to determine what days are what except financial institutions are open during the week. 

I really don’t have. anything to say, but I need to connect here.  I’m so grateful it’s hers .  All of you I read.  I miss the people that used to write more.  Life keeps changing for everyone.  I just miss hearing their grief journey.  Maybe I’m just weird.  Lord knows I’m in the situation for it.  

All thoughts for Marty and everyone in the storm zones.

 

 

My life is the same morass of boredom and loneliness. I check in here several times a day but it's usually a ghost town. It doesn't seem to matter if I post or not. I can't imagine anyone missing my posts or anything. 

I love the outlet of this Forum, but I can't be dependent on it, because the responses and relationships are so fleeting and intermittent. Gwen, you and KayC are the most consistent posters, and following your lives is a bittersweet journey. You're good people who just seem to get the worst luck and though it makes my uneventful and relatively drama free life seem better, it breaks my heart that you have such monumental challenges. 

Gwen, it's just so hard to know what to say anymore. It's just so sad. I know what it's like to have nothing to look forward to, no reason to get up. I am starting to really ache and feel more pain and know that life is just going to get worse. I want so much for you to be happy or at least content. 

It's not weird to want to follow the lives of people you care about. I wish I had more to add, but I'm in a rut of my own making. I want to have a "life" and friends, but I'm just too scared to try. I hate my boring routine but any change to it stresses me out big time. Catch 22. I hate the weekends and now I hate Mondays because I have to put on "Dancing With The Stars" for my Mom and it's on during my music listening time. I hope I get points for doing something nice for my Mom. I say "Thank You" to my Mom when she does something for me, and she still thinks I'm being sarcastic because she's not used to it. She's difficult to live with sometimes, but I have to be good to hear while she's still here. 

 

[V. R.]

, 3:30 Yes, weekends are the worst. I know what you mean about "Dancing with the stars". We have the Italian equivalent here but not one member of my family has ever been interested in watching it, including me, we always change channel when it comes on.  l've started watching the TV series "Lost", doesn't seem too bad. I relate to the situation of survivors being on a desert island, that's how I feel sometimes. A sudden, unexpected change of life that I have not asked for, not chosen. Wandering around like a zombie, not being part of the real world anymore. Why does everything look different now? All that was familiar to me  has now become unfamiliar, places, people (apart from family, of course), as if I'm an outsider, don’t fit in, can't explain it really.

Talking about TV series, Twin Peaks was very unusual, never seen anything like it but I must give credit to the screenwriters who had a very bizarre imagination. They did a great job. Tried watching Season 3 but had to give up after a couple of episodes, just too strange, their imagination got a bit out of hand! 

[V. R.]

P. S. I don't know where those numbers "3.30" came from. Just typing errors, I suppose. Not easy on a mobile, keyboard too small. 

[nashreed]

5 minutes ago, V. R. said:

, 3:30 Yes, weekends are the worst. I know what you mean about "Dancing with the stars". We have the Italian equivalent here but not one member of my family has ever been interested in watching it, including me, we always change channel when it comes on.  l've started watching the TV series "Lost", doesn't seem too bad. I relate to the situation of survivors being on a desert island, that's how I feel sometimes. A sudden, unexpected change of life that I have not asked for, not chosen. Wandering around like a zombie, not being part of the real world anymore. Why does everything look different now? All that was familiar to me  has now become unfamiliar, places, people (apart from family, of course), as if I'm an outsider, don’t fit in, can't explain it really.

Talking about TV series, Twin Peaks was very unusual, never seen anything like it but I must give credit to the screenwriters who had a very bizarre imagination. They did a great job. Tried watching Season 3 but had to give up after a couple of episodes, just too strange, their imagination got a bit out of hand! 

I know what you mean about the third season of "Twin Peaks". It's been said it's deliberately designed to frustrate the audience. Did you watch the movie? I would think that it would give you the closure on the first two seasons,

I absolutely LOVED "Lost"....until the last season (I will say no more for now, though I could write a thesis on my opinions of it all). Annette and I both watched it and got WAY into it. Remember the days before the DVR, when if you wanted to record a show because you had to work you had to set the VCR to time record it and hope for the best? We had a rotating stack of overused blank video tapes we would keep recording over and over on. Good times. 

I had to buy ($7.99 a month) the streaming service Disney+, and my Mom has no idea (or refuses to learn) how to watch something on streaming, so it's up to me to be stuck watching two hours (no commercials!) of dancing and chatter from C-level celebrities and judges (though I do like Selma Blair and it's nice to see she's doing well).  It's her favorite show and if it makes her happy, I should be happy to help. It's better than the usual drama/crime procedurals she watches (how can anyone watch something horrible like "Criminal Minds"? How did they allow that on network TV? It's like a weekly snuff movie).

Sunday afternoon....ambition is lacking. My Mom reads her romance novels. I listen to music on headphones, and I surf the web, looking for ...something. Connection. I watch old 70's game shows at 3pm (dinner hour for me). Until then, it's keeping boredom and loneliness at bay. I get housework and things done in the morning. There's just no motivation in the afternoon.

[V. R.]

I'll have to ask my daughter to try and get the Twin Peaks film on streaming. She's the one who downloads all these TV series for me to watch when I'm alone in the evenings, I understand your mother, not that easy to do. Our favourite one  that I watched with my husband during the first years of our marriage was "X files", although the new episodes and films were a bit disappointing.  I used to be a TV addict when I lived in London, didn't go out much, only at weekends, but not always, and I used my video recorder a lot, recording films that were showing on a different channel while I was watching something else on another channel,or because I was at work or out, putting the timer on. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m grateful for TV, but hate I have it on all the time.  It was only  a night thing before I got stuck wherever.  Rehab or home.  I had a shower today and skipped my hair.  Found I have a bedsore going so now have to contact my doctor this coming week. Been thru this before in rehab.  It’s from sleeping on my hip and not moving.  The messed up surgery added this.  This one I don’t know if I can treat myself.  Nurses did in rehab last time.  When does this end?  
 

Dee's going to do my meds Monday.  I have to Zoom appointment with my shrink Tuesday .  Nicey of her to make that the only thing to deal with that day.  Talking to that man ruins your whole day.  We had to choose to disagree about her friend's dogs that are kenneled and had a fight.  I know the history and she is sure it was because neither of them were there.  I think it would have happened eventually.  I find it hard she feels she can never be wrong. 
 

Watched a great mystery movie last night.  Started another that we bailed on.  I hate when that time passes.  Even if the endeavor fails, I like sitting with my legs up for a n hour.  I was hoping for no extras today, but this b bedsore has me so struggling.  So now I am repeating in the same post.  So more thanks for putting up with me.  💕
 

 

 

 

[kayc]

My son and grandson came Sat. night at bedtime so I stayed up late with them.  

My son worked on it ALL DAY today, until 5:15 tonight!  He took everything apart, inspected it all, cut the chimney piece to fit and work better, even going to the hardware store for more screws and taking the pipe down to a friend's shop to cut down (long story).  He inspected the combuster, fit a gasket into the warped frame to help close it off, took everything apart to get the door off and cleaned it all out and put the new gasket in, etc.  Had to clean and put everything back together.  I was so amazed at  his dedication, knowledge, and continuing to plug away at it.  Just totally impressed.

I fixed meals for him and my grandson, watched a video with Vincent, took him down to the creek, he was so cute!  He said I had a beau-ful house!  He was just so sweet and well behaved the whole time!

James, I love how you say you have to be good to her while she's still here...maybe she'll learn in time you're genuine, not sarcastic.

Gwen, we don't "put up with you," we genuinely feel for you.  I listened to the women talk about their struggles with their backs at retreat and I feel thankfulness for my own strong back...unfortunately, I don't have the knees, feet/toes, hands to match.  At 10% strength in my hands and lots of arthritis!

[Gwenivere]

Took all day to get help for the bedsore.  A nurse is coming out this afternoon to evaluate it foe my doctor.  It will probably take days to get what’s needed to treat it. I’m just hope* it was caught in time.  I also need to check on a possible UTI.    Today is my shrink appointment too.  Thursday the surgeon.  Dee is going t do my weeks pills.   She got angry with me ahhhhhgain so had to have a repetitive‘ discuss ion.  I can't figure out how she remembers stuff we settled beyond the new thing but not that we settled them. 
 

Tried hitting properly taxes again and got nowhere.   I don’t know why I even bother with any of these things.  If they can’t reflect it on their own payment page, how do I pay it?

OK, I’m very anxious about my shrink and the nurse coming out this afternoon.  I’m a wreck.  Now I also have to talk about the possible UTI.   I found I don’t have a decent thermometer.  I look back going to sleep and say…..that was my day???  
 

Best to all and miss the old timers.  😰
 

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I know you had to have a thermometer at one point, it has to be frustrating when you can't go out and just buy one, could you have Dee pick one up?  I know you could order on Amazon but I'm sure you don't want to wait another day!  If ever something needs immediate fixing it's a UTI!  Worried about you!

So are they coming out today or was that yesterday?

Can you call the county property taxes and pay them over the phone?

I got hit with fraud on my M/C again, ugh, what a mess!  I don't want to go through this again, only been three months!

[Gwenivere]

Dee is facing a very emotional today.  Amazon costs too much.  The nurses left me supples for a few days.  It isn’t bedsore but a pressure one.  That means sleeping on the opposite side.  That-is difficult.  I did finally find out about the taxes and I don’t owe one of the payments.  Quite a relief.  Keeping my fingers crossed it’s covered by insurance as I was told.  Just waiting on the UTI results.  
 

I'm so sorry you got hit with credit fraud.  It’s such a mess.  My card is tied to more places than I even remember.  Changing them all will be a huge project.

Had my appointment with my shrink and it was worse than I expected. Too detailed, but he’s relentless with no caring beyond the medicine.  It felt like he didn’t care about my feelings.  Actually, I know I’m doesn’t.  For what never ending pain does to a person, he wouldn’t display any compassion.  The nurses were very caring and kind.  I hada couple in rehab that were not.  I call him back Friday to see what he wants to do about meds. He was not pleased by how I was acting, that 14 month living in pain thing like I had any control over that.  

 I don’t know how Thursday will go with a different PA about my back.  My great housekeeper will be here Friday.  Hope I can do a full shower Sunday Stil need to find a reason to get up every day.  Have NO idea how Dee will be tonight after seeing her sister and picking up her deceased partners memorabilia.  Hasn’t seen her in years and the sister had a good upbringing.  She did not.  She’ll be gone when I get up.  Long time to wait.  
 

I'm so tired of living in fear of people around me and their moods.   Feeling beaten down and not knowing what to.expect.  It makes it so much harder than life should be.  There is nothing stable to lean on.  
 

 

[KarenK]

So sorry you're stuck with a shrink who obviously forgot his physician's creed a long time ago. Wish you could somehow find a new one. Is it possible that your PCP would prescribe these meds for you and you could eliminate the shrink?

Only you can decide if Dee's assistance is worth the stress and fear she creates.

What is happening with the pain clinic referral?

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Changing them all will be a huge project.

Yep!  First one hit today so glad I switched it yesterday so it wouldn't bounce.  Also, I have to see the eyedoctor today...can't use my M/C there or the dentist in a few days!  Ugh.  It is a pain.

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

So sorry you're stuck with a shrink who obviously forgot his physician's creed a long time ago. Wish you could somehow find a new one. Is it possible that your PCP would prescribe these meds for you and you could eliminate the shrink?

Yes, kind of wondering the same...

[Gwenivere]

My doctor would never prescribe my anxiety meds.  Only shrinks prescribe long term  meds like benzodiazepines.   My doc, like all of them, are monitored on that.  Short term for grief, flights, dental procedures, etc.  My doc also hates them anyway.  My 2 previous docs prescribed tho but both left my access.  It was so easy as they saw they gave me my freedom back without-the side effects of the now glorified antidepressants that work for but not for others.;

Today is my appointment with the surgical PA I’ve never talked to.  Chasing pain relief.  Message to my doc about the pressure sore and proper care. Yesterday a survey from my insurance so I could again complain a out my early being cut from care bak in February and getting hooked on the opiates.  No real response about it ut how much they care about their clients.
 

Dee's home and in another personality rotation.  Everything from love to almost hate over and over..  Not remembering iit.  I can’t live in this.  I can’t fix it.  I actually see how she suffers from this and would rather have my pain then no control of my brain.  But I’m human and not a saint.  I don’t know how I will live without the good times but easily without the bad.  

My oxygen generator is acting up now.  Called at 1am to have them out today.  Just have an emergency tank that has to be dragged around.   Glad I did as they are coming out after 1pm.  Geez, another fire.  Guess I’m more sensitive f rom the circumstances.

Yay!  Another day to face. Do I need to say how thrilled I am?
 

 

 

[kayc]

Made trek to eye doctor, tire pressure light came on again.  Checked tires, fine.  Had to calibrate it last night, don't know how long it'll stay off.  The guy at the tire center said it's Honda's, they're ultra sensitive and go by height so weight affects it, but I don't have anything heavy in my car.  He said the sensor doesn't usually go bad before ten years.  Long before that.  He gave me a tire pressure gauge!

Eye doctor wanted $300 after insurance for lenses (have my own frames), nope!  Not for no more changes than there were and it's only been a year.

Gas went up again, almost $1 in two weeks!  It's nuts, only on the west coast.

Gosh Gwen, you make me glad I live alone!  I'm truly sorry for everything you're dealing with. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Another day Dee did her switcheroo.  Came home fine after a long night missing sleep from the malfunctioning  oxygen generator and we were til I did something wrong and there was no talking to her rationally . wrote too much about this so cut most of it.  
 

My surgeon Zoom was useless.  New-woman who told me more about the surgery they could do, how much more painful it would be much longer than what I’ve experienced twice and of course no idea i it ii would be able to stand or bend.   So, I guess not useless, but not moving the needle.  
 

Start antibiotics for  a  UTI at bed.  I couldn’t get any sleep advice as trying not to sleep on that side was horrible.  Supposed to go in person to the doc next doc next Tuesday.  What a pain.  It will be a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter and hope no problems.  
 

Housekeeper and a call to my shrink today.  Dee’s going out with a friend for the evening.  I hope I don’t have to hear a bout it repetitively.  And make her mad which is typical .  

Just want to wake up not wishing I hadn’t, but that won’t ha happen.  I was writing in another topic the horrid waking emotions it ca bring. That’s when I really  feel the s id e. effects  all the meds from wearing off.  Not anything I haven’t written so many times.  Wish I could hug my true love.  It can be mid summer and I’m cold  inside.  😰