My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

23 hours ago, KarenK said:

Drat on the air quality! I thought the rain might make it better.

Oh it has!  It's just there's also the fact they halted operations for a while.  I've been able to go out without a mask, I just check AQI first.

28 minutes ago, KarenK said:

I am very worried about you.

I am also, the stress it puts you under, combined with your pain and infirmities, it is too much.  I'd call her out on these issues every time, I understand giving a little space to let someone cool down, but awck this is frustrating and unneeded!  Sorry, I know, not my business, it's the same I felt when Peggy "hired" Beverly and she did NOTHING for her, and I mean NOTHING!  It galled me she wouldn't even read Peggy her vacuum directions.  I never even called her when Peggy died, she didn't deserve a call, she'd bilked her.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for your insights.  I’ve been thinking on how to DISCUSS with her this situation without it being the threat situation.  I am not a fiery person.  I hate raised  defensive  voices.  I hate sarcasm and all the ploys that destroy reasonable communication as no one hears the other f they are defensive.  I don’t think she is capable of this.  Plus the brain damage. In other communication she does fine (repair people, medical visitors).  Just thinking of this discussion has me in knots.  Steve and I were both calm people.  All I can do is try.  The issues are so easy.  Anger at my buying Philomena a computer, that I don’t make her wear a mask when here when she doesn’t and she’s out like her.  These are my choices.  I don’t owe her explanations.  I don’t ask about her finances or who she spends her time with and how.  Don’t want to talk to her this week as 2 people have died and it’s her birthday and I won’t add more to that if possible.  Only if it gets out  of hand, which no doubt it will.  She always talks about respect but doesn’t see it regarding herself in her proclaimed love of me.  It may have been that way with her Maria, but I’m not her.  I don’t like being forced to yell or appease her.  She has to adapt to me as I will not do these ridiculous arguments that she drags in from the past and have no bearing on the issue at hand.  I won’t have my past choices used as weapons.  They were my issues long before I knew her and shared as we got to know one another.  Whew.  Lots to untangle if possible.  
 

Called Social Security and it’s a mess for how you log in now.  Thank gawd i rarely go there.  I wanted to see the increase, but it will show up in the deposit.  This is my 2nd day of trying to get an endocrinology appointment and waiting with no answer.  All I can do is leave a message now.  I need my phone for other calls and won’t do call waiting on the speaker phone.

Fence contractor coming today.  Maybe I’ll get  something started.  Thinking about the carpet.  Have to call tech support in my med portal as it won’t let me send a message.  Already starting a call list. 
 

Sorry about the diatribe about Dee .  Thanks for putting up with my droning.  It’s time to start making some big decisions.  Thanks for all your input too.  Love you all.  💕  No more diatribes about her.  

[KarenK]

No need to apologize at all. I certainly don't mean to put more stress on you by voicing my opinions. You have put it in a nutshell. You don't owe her any explanations. She is not your partner(although she may have other ideas about that). You have made that quite plain, yet she exhibits jealously. Threatening you is definitely abuse, and especially cruel as you are so vulnerable right now. I hope she makes her trip and you can find an alternate solution when she's gone. I doubt that any discussion will change her personality.

Hope your fence does not cost too much. It will be nice to get the SS raise next year. It is badly needed. Of course with the price of everything constantly rising, it probably won't make much of a dent.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Anger at my buying Philomena a computer

I thought she wasn't to know?  None of her business what you do with YOUR $!  Clear breech of boundaries.

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

These are my choices.  I don’t owe her explanations.

Yes!

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I wanted to see the increase

Me too, they sent me an email but when I logged in it's not showing up there.  One place showed a lot less than the news article said.  It'll be what it'll be, likely disappointing.

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This is my 2nd day of trying to get an endocrinology appointment and waiting with no answer.

I've been waiting a long time for an ENT appt (since April), they finally called and want to schedule me May 1, and I have to go for a Covid test three days before, both special trips 60-70 miles away from here.  Last year we still had snow at that time, I hope not this year.  It is so ridiculously difficult getting medical help now!  Meanwhile my tongue/throat issue has been broke out bad the last couple of weeks, likely aggravated by the severe smoke we had.  BS up some for FBS but down during the daytime after meals or walks.

Gwen, no need to apologize, you get it out as you need to, same as I do.  Those of us who have no one, it's part of this.  Sending you gentle hugs and hope for a better day today.

Julie back in the hospital, been 2 1/2 weeks since this began, about 3 weeks since her Shingrix vaccination.  Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't get one, but I already did years ago.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

All Dee wanted for he r birthday today was a letter in my hand writing about what she means to me.  I wrote her one and she c4ied.  Then while she got outrageously angry because I was trying to help with 5he dustbuster where  I sit.  That I criticize everything she. does.  She walked out the door and I don’t know when she’ll be back.  She even said I didn’t remember her birthday..???  Next was how II double check the  meds she’s supposed to do tonight like we always do.  Just more of the same old crap.  The only question is how long it will last.  I’m the only one ive ever seen her talk to like she does.  After things calmed-down she got irritated  II.didn’t agree with going without a covering onz my wound unless OK'd by a nurse.  Seems she thinks her ideas are always right.
 

I finally got an endocrinology appointment in December.  Used the call back method.  Much easier.   Got my referral into them for it.  The visiting nurse sent supplies for my pressure sore.  Only can use the 5 large bandaids.  The gauze and saline spray make a mess.  Got soaked with the saline.  
 

Talk with my surgeon and counselor today.  Have lots to talk to with both.  Can’t believe daylight savings coming up.  Washington is going to vote to drop it.  I sure hope we do.  Everyone complains every year.  I’ve always hated it.  
 

I'll see what today brings.  What will I do wrong.  That cherished letter?  Left on the coffee table.  OK, time to really stop talking about her.  If I bring her up, it will be very brief.   Enough is  enough for what this place is. for.  Much mor e to talk about.

 

 

 

[KarenK]

Your living situation is definitely causing you extra grief, so don't think twice about discussing it.

Please don't let her put you in the mindset that you are constantly doing something wrong. Don't let her manipulate you. I have been there, Gwen and it will destroy your soul. I would definitely double check the meds. It's just common sense, especially with your unpredictable situation.

Hope today's appointments have a positive outcome. What ever happened to the pain clinic idea?

[kayc]

Gwen, I feel for you with regards to her, it seems it's trying to make sense out of nonsensical.  Her mind is like a rat's nest, convoluted with imaginings only known to her.  You can't make sense of it and I think you realize that.

My dental appt. went well, they all said I have great teeth!  (All 16 of them.  )  Groceries is another matter, they were missing things like heavy whipping cream and Kodie's dog treats, all the prices have gone sky high!

Gwen, I would consider continuing your quest for independent "help" that affords you your dignity and respect, even if it costs more.  I know in OR when your $ runs out, they will pay for a caregiver for you the rest of your life in your own home, I don't know about WA.  This is something I could never get Peggy to understand, she worried about her $ running out even though she had plenty.  (I never asked her for anything!  I did what I did from the heart)

[Gwenivere]

I talked to Dee this morning.  Told her this can’t continue.  I will not be the whipping post of her frustrations.  I won’t be forced to argue with yelling or threats.  No more dredging up past judgements of my life.  Basically, I will not engage if this is done and she can leave as she always threatens to.  She apologized and said %99.9 is her, not me. That she overacts.  I spent most of my counseling on this topic.  Not happy about that.  I also haven’t figured out my shower appointment with the eating issues.  
 

My surgeon move d yesterday’s appointment to today so I cancelled it.   Waiting to  reschedule as it  will be the  same old discussion about more  operations .  I have  ye t to call the pain clinic.  Doubts about that.  
 

Fun with a rra t last night that felt into the recycle bin.  Gonna release iit today during the day in hopes it gets messed up being  nocturnal.  Or we’ll use a lawn bag for that.  Had a rat in the  house  once and lucked out it fe ll in the kitchen trash can.  

Was another bad nights sleep Thursday.  The usual mix of triggers.will kick in today      That minuscule nanosecond all this bad time was just a nightmare. I wish it was it was for all of us.

 

 

 

[kayc]

Glad you had the talk but I don't think she is capable of changing quite honestly, I think she has mental issues and can't help her tirades. 

Good luck with the rat!  (Or is it a mouse?)  Either way, they can eat their way out of a trash bag real quick!  It'd have to go out to the garbage can quickly!  

I don't blame you for putting off the doctor/s right now.  

My car's lights and defrost quit, so will have to go sit 70 miles away all day waiting for diagnosis, then will have to drive back there when they get the parts and wait all day for them to put them in.  Iris has Covid so not sure what I'll do with Kodie.  There's nowhere for him to do his business if I take him with me.  What a life...and snow coming next week.  Ugh.

[Gwenivere]

The rat chewed its way from the recycle bin.  Dee went to let it loose in the morning and it was gone.  As they are fairly smart, I don’t thin’k it will be back.  Fine with me. 
 

Got a bill from my insurance for e telemedicine monthly checkin with my PCP.  August.  I’ve been doing this all year without a bill.  I called the first time I got it and todays is for $600 for the same date.  It was $119. the first time.  How does that  happen?  Of course it’s the weekend and the mail came when Dee wasn’t here.  I am way past getting billed since the surgery as far as reaching my deductible.  
 

Dee is out for dinner and  a movie with a friend for. Her birthday.  She gave me some chocolate before she left when apologized again for how she. has been behaving.  It’s going to take much more to gain trust.  I talked to Philomena today while showering an d she agreed.  Between her and my counselor,, I feel better about it and stronger.

Dee and I were just chatting a bit and heard some noise and the rat is back in the bin!  Not closing the lid this time.  She shook it and hopefully will be gone today.  
 

Now my eye on the side I sleep on is all irritate.  Red and the skin hurts.  Always something.  Shower was tough.   Probably going to get a PA out here.  I’m so sick of more problems.  I read how some others here are going thru the same thing.

Game time and sleep.  Calls for next week racking up. Pain med cont .going too fa st.

 

[kayc]

My little sister was cut off her Oxycodone for her Guillain-Barre because they learned she'd had a stroke.  ???  Tylenol isn't touching it.  Breaks my heart she's going through this.  Yesterday was the day they were supposed to go to Peru, her husband went out and found some Peruvian food and brought it to her and some flowers.  What a sweetie!  So glad she has him.

I hope the rat is gone for good!  I got a metal garbage can to keep such out, they don't have recycling up here.  I used to take mine to Oakridge and then they quit accepting there too.  I don't get it!  Basically I try to keep my garbage to a minimum, using 1/2 can twice/month.  1/2 of it's paper.

Hmm, I wonder if your doctors started billing for what they used to do free, mine has always charged for televisits.  Last in person visit could have been done by phone, would have been easier for me for sure!  Insurance should cover.

 

[Gwenivere]

Dee looked at the bill I got.  Said I owe the original $1119.  It still doesn’t explain why  I’m being billed for X-rays.  Or Medicare.  The only thing that matters is out of network.  The bill came thru mine without explanation.

Our rat was still here .  Didn’t move when Dee kicked the bin.  She hauled it to the street to scoop it out and when she turned it, it VBran out.  OK.  But then it ran back towards the house.  Best I could think to do is keep putting stuff in there so it gets higher and jump out itself. 
 

I'm waiting for a PA to get here about my eye.  It’s definitely scratched on the skin and inflamed.  They’ve come and gone and I have to put an ointment on it daily.  I don’t want it in my hair or on my pillowcase overnight.  Trying to figure out how I can do this.  It’s hard not to not muck with it.  How we want to check things. More stuff to do.  Dee heard it so no cheating.  I want to get better but worn out.  
 

I feel shame having to say again that I let myself get pulled into another Dee meltdown.  She was great a ll day and switched like a switch asking me some questions.  Same. Ones we’ve been over before.  Always happens at night.  Back to cruel and trying to make me feel this is my fault.  Twists it so she doesn’t have to answer my questions. So it’s a night I have to escape in sleep and who will be here in the morning.   I don’t know why she stays.  She always makes it clear I ruined her life.  Today is the anniversary of losing Maria.  This is a few days she apologized that this was %99.9 her taking things out on me . And here I a writing about it again.  So sorry.

[KarenK]

I've never had to deal with mice or rats, but couldn't you put some rodent poison or poisoned cheese in the recycle bin for it to eat?

For about 3 weeks my right eyelid was swollen and sore to the touch. I just put a cold washcloth on it a few times a day. Couldn't see anything wrong with it unless it was an infected eyelash. It finally went away on its own.

I don't know if Dee pays room and board, but you are are providing a nice home for her. Where else would this be provided for her with her volatile personality? The handwriting is on the wall.  Stay safe!

[kayc]

Grape scent makes mice leave, I found out by accident when I was trying to get a bird to quit nesting over my shop door, it was getting allover my car in the carport!  (Shop opens off it).  I have electronic traps, regular traps, tried glue traps but they don't kill them and don't seem humane so stopped using them, besides, they make a mess with them.

Haven't had a mouse in here for quite a while!

If you have a Medicare Advantage Plan, they don't cover out of area, just found that out recently.  So I guess the onus is on us to find out when going anywhere BEFOREHAND.  Who scheduled the x-rays?  They should have known/figured it out.  My doctor always checks on those things, plus I ask when making the appt (on referrals).

Re: Dee, I think I'd be dismissive of her when she starts, don't listen or take it.  Maybe a stop sign with your hand.  Tell her you can talk when she is ready to be reasonable, accurate, and nice/respectful, not until.

[Margm]

All sound like reasonable reasons to handle Dee.  I can say one thing, life does not seem dull if she is around.  Anxiety level too high though.  

We built our new house over a village of field mice.  They took over our house too.  Those sticky traps are tough.  Those little mice scream and you cannot quit hearing it.  I had menfolks around and they had to kill them.  Billy had to finally kill the possum that moved in our garage.  It was not going to leave and it had taken over our outside cat's home.  The cat would not stay inside. 

In the end, I guess your gonna have to figure out if the anxiety Dee causes is worth the company.  I'm sure there are a lot of homeless women with nursing experience with references who would be happy with a warm, nice house and to help you out, but I doubt they would be as exciting/off the wall as Dee sounds.  She definitely provides you aggravation/anxiety, but sometimes that makes us feel alive.  I know my aggravation/anxiety makes me want peace sometimes.   

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Margm said:

In the end, I guess your gonna have to figure out if the anxiety Dee causes is worth the company.

Yes, it boils down to this, a choice only you can make, Gwen.

Didn't hear from you last night, kind of makes me concerned...I hope everything went okay!

[Gwenivere]

 Regarding Dee, I’ve only seen this really odd behavior when she drinks.  I asked this morning and indeed that was the case.  Another discussion about how it doesn’t solve anything but makes it worse.  Me again telling her I don’t want to engage when it happens.  She said herself it can’t continue but if she slips that she should not be here.  Nothing she said was true and she was hurting the only person, me, that she truly loves now that isn’t dead.  I googled about what people say when drunk and many studies show booze does brings out inner feelings.  That concerns me.  Dee denies that.  So I’m confused.  I don’t recall any arguments when I was drunk.  

Had my usual Sunday Zoom call.  Saw the ed of the Seahawk game and it’s about time for dinner which is pizza and salad.  
 

 I thought I sent this.  I’m doing it now and do one for today.  Was messed up doing messages here and a couple doctors.  Biggie was Dee getting drunk which explaied  why she was so unreasonable.
 

 

[KarenK]

Ron and I drank a bit in our 20's. It was just what you did. Neither of us used drugs although that was when the LSD rage came along. Drinking made me carefree and probably stupid, never angry, only sleepy. Ron, on the other hand, became frighteningly angry and mean. Not a good situation. A few years into marriage, we gave up drinking. It sounds like Dee is a mean, angry drunk and if she's an alcoholic as you once said, she really needs to seek help. You can be supportive, but the desire to get better has to come from within. I hope she is strong enough to ask for it.

[Gwenivere]

About Dee first.  It’s the more frequent losses to the alcoholism.   We’ve discussed it several times.  Last being she cannot be in the house in that state.  My conflict is worrying about her and wanting to check on her.  Have to see how I handle it next time as I know there will be another.  I do have a couple more questions for her before that happens.  At least I know when it happening as she didn’t drink any of the liquor here.  But she can’t hide the behavior. Definite rule she can’t be around me.

I was reading messages I sent to 2 doctors last night and they seem to make sense.   Sometimes hard to tell as expressing myself is  hard in these withdrawals.   
Managed to cut my toenails which is a feat with bending nd old persons thick ones.   

 Called about a bill I got thru m health  portal.  Never had that ever happen.  Always comes from the biller with an insurance reason.  
 

Dee moved my life alert box to my bedside table so they can hear when I’ve set it off   All accidentally so far.  It was in another room where they could hardly hear me   over my white noise fan.  The phone doesn’t ring also.  I let my machine take calls before getting u.  Calling them today to get another box for the living room as that covers the whole house.

 I should e getting a new nightshirt this week. Only came in extra large.  I may be swimming in i.t.  I’m sure they said I won’t have to pay to ship it back if needed.

Didn’t think ii'd have much today but but the list grows.  Still having a very hard time sleeping on wrong side.  Hate waking up so close to the alarm so getting up is useless.  Speaking of which, gotta do it again.  

 

[kayc]

The arrangement could be so perfect if she didn't drink and have her nasty outbursts, unfair to you.  Her saying so doesn't mean she'll quit.  Have you seen any behavior demonstrate that on a consistent basis?

They want me to come in for a wellness check, I have ALWAYS had it done in April/May when the snows quit!  Told them I'll do the same this time too.  I'm an old buzzard, locked in my ways, it's the only way I remember when to do it.

Got more wood in, takes about 5 wheelbarrows full for a week's worth of fires in the wood stove.  Forgot to close the door last night on the patio, so screen there and I'm sure it went through more, but it felt good too.

[Gwenivere]

Another day sorting out fires.  In trying to get my life alert with better coverage, I got a guy who rudely said maybe I should call back when I’m not on pain meds.  If I had the energy I’d report him.  All other reps at companies were most patient.   Am going to try another system to cover the whole house.  Having been a phone installer myself, I’m not buying how he said it would work.  We’ll see.  
 

Fence work begins today and. Hopefully done. Friday. They are celebrating the Day of The Dead. At the community center so Mexican food for dinner.  Another day to pass the hours.  
 

Not feeling well.  I need to write my doc today about this withdrawal as it’s not going better than I think it could.  I’m so frustrated I can’t do this simplest of thing s like make toast in my toaster oven.  Having more pain waking up.  I want to repeat that rep today.  It’s been pouring every night.  Dark all day.

[kayc]

They're predicting 2" snow through tonight, kind of early, if so we'll get 7 1/2 months of winter, ugh.  More snow this week.  Need to go get my new snow tires put on.  

Wow on your fence!  That is quick!  

I hope you do report the rep, that is horrible he'd say that.  His day is coming, I hope he remembers this when it does.

[kevin]

Got my first snow today and its cold to boot...15 degrees F....My dog totally confused, doesn't like it at all....Got to walk down 10 steps to coax her out for bathroom...Picking up 6 year old from school everyday, keeps me out of trouble......Time change on Sunday, willbe dark by 6PM, or earlier...Take care..

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kevin said:

.Got to walk down 10 steps to coax her out for bathroom.

Well, I'm with your pup on this one.  If you are 10 steps up, build her a little room with a hole in the floor and a door.  Us girls gotta look out for each other.

My granddaughter has thyroid issues.  Takes meds for them.  I was suffocating and it was 79 degrees in the house.  Had A/C on in car.  Granddaughter had turned the heat on last night some time or the other.  You live in absolutely beautiful country, but I'm afraid a flatlander from Louisiana would die of hypothermia.  

Enjoy those grandkids.  That is why we have them.  I loved what some old actor said, do not know the exact words, "If I'd known grandchildren were so much fun, I would have had them first."

Stay warm

[KarenK]

Still running the AC a bit in the daytime as house gets stuffy, but we're in the 40's-50's at night.

I applaud you and your wife, Kevin for raising your granddaughter. I'm sure I could no longer keep up with a youngster. Bet she keeps you hopping.