My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I guess I didn’t explain very well.  Going for a drive and sitting fulfills nothing for my need to feel connected to the world.  Interaction with other people.  Being on my own.  It emphasizes it.  Street clothes matter because I feel removed too.  Maybe you’d have to spend well over a year in lounge wear to understand.  And homebound.  

I spend so much time around Dee.  Wednesday night was another bad one as she drank enough to get me yelling and have to have a long talk yesterday morning about broken agreements of not being here in that state and me so handy for her grief/rage about 2 people.  It’s that I understand and she is angry, too, that I don’t have romantic feelings for her.  Plus she knows my buttons now for weapons and uses them, contradicting loving me so much.  Counseling helped a bit, but Zoom was down and like seeing Jinny.  
 

I called so many other places.  Wrote email to a doc and had to include a phone number which took me about 8 times.  My head is so messed up.  I can mess up transferring 3 numbers over and over again.

Finished the 3rd search of True Detective.  Wound up confused.  Gonna watch a Denzel movie  tonight.  De e had to wake me up eve n tho my radio alarm was on.  The regular flu shot knocked me  out.  Gonna try that sleep thing again.  The holiday today makes me feel like it’s Sunday. But that’s today and big decision is dinner.  Thinkk it’s going to be a long day without fires to put out.

 

 

 

[KarenK]

I am in lounge clothes and homebound most of the time except for haircuts and doctor visits. The big difference is that I choose to live like this. If I could turn the clock back to when I had decent eyesight, decent teeth, and no dizzy spells, I might venture out, but even then I can't think of anyone I'd want to interact with. I'm not the outgoing person anymore that I once was.

Somehow Dee needs to understand that you will never have a romantic interest in her. She can't force you or guilt you into feeling that way. I just don't see this ever getting better.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I can mess up transferring 3 numbers over and over again.

With me it's my fingers, yep, can do that too!

Yesterday I could hardly walk, limped through walking Kodie, severe pain in heel, tried to get in to doctor but they were full.  Epsom soak did nothing except ruin my toenail polish.  I finally put Neosporin and bandage on it, even though all I see are tiny cracks, no sign of infection, but it seemed to help, so evidently there must be something below the surface I can't see.  Ordered Coloidal Silver gel from Amazon, it'll be here Wed.  May stay off my foot this weekend.  Diabetes/feet are serious!  I've seen people lose them.

I hope last night went better for you, Gwen!

Karen, how are you doing?  And your son and grandson?

 

[Margm]

13 hours ago, KarenK said:

I am in lounge clothes and homebound most of the time except for haircuts and doctor visits. The big difference is that I choose to live like this. If I could turn the clock back to when I had decent eyesight, decent teeth, and no dizzy spells, I might venture out, but even then I can't think of anyone I'd want to interact with. I'm not the outgoing person anymore that I once was.

That about says it all. Except I cut my own hair.  Not much to cut.  Not much dizziness, but a lot of being unsteady and knocking into things.   

Mental problems don't run through my family, they soak like they were in a Jacuzzi and decide to make a monster storm that I can do nothing about.  I had my own mental problems.  I also had a family.  I think the weirdest thing was my dad coming into my hospital room and saying, "what have you done with the life your mother and I gave you?"  And he was angry.    

Lots of "Job" in us all.  They are not golden years; they are tarnished metal.  Are we having fun yet?  I need to participate to help my family enjoy the holidays.  I don't want to participate, I have to.  

And my problems are so few.

[Widow2015]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Wednesday night was another bad one as she drank enough to get me yelling and have to have a long talk yesterday morning about broken agreements of not being here in that state and me so handy for her grief/rage about 2 people.  It’s that I understand and she is angry, too, that I don’t have romantic feelings for her.  Plus she knows my buttons now for weapons and uses them, contradicting loving me so much.

Gwen:  I do worry that you are being harmed by having Dee displaying her anger at you.  I guess I don't understand why she would continue to battle with you if you have assured her of your feelings aren't any more than "friends".  If I am overstepping with my comments, please excuse this "old Lady".  I am just so sorry you have to be burdened with this as well as your health/pain issues.  There has to be a better solution to your care issues.

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

I am in lounge clothes and homebound most of the time except for haircuts and doctor visits. The big difference is that I choose to live like this.

Karen: HA!  And, like Marg, I cut my own hair too.  I'm not too concerned about style anymore fortunately.  Guess at my age and vision issues what I can't see doesn't hurt me.  I don't need to go out except to drive down the winding hill to pick up my groceries I have ordered online or go to a nearby doctor's appointment.  

You mentioned your vision; are you still dealing with the double vision?  

45 minutes ago, Margm said:

  I need to participate to help my family enjoy the holidays.  I don't want to participate, I have to.  

And my problems are so few.

Marg:  Ditto.  I don't want to participate in my little family's holidays either, but no way to get out of it.  My son wants me to help him make the cornbread stuffing my Mother used to make and he enjoyed eating growing up.  Trying to say no to him, but it's hard to make him understand it won't be an easy task for me.  First, I have to try to remember how I used to make cornbread.  LOL.

Am in agreement, "And my problems are so few" compared to what so many on this forum are dealing with.  I still find myself crying when I think about what used to be.  I let myself cry, then wipe the tears away and push myself to keep on going.  I am blessed in so many ways.

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Yesterday I could hardly walk, limped through walking Kodie, severe pain in heel, tried to get in to doctor but they were full.

Kay: So sorry to read you are having heel problems.  I do hope you can get some relief.  I understand your concern with your diabetes being a factor.  Good idea to rest over weekend if you can.

Dee

[KarenK]

Nothing much happening here, Kay. Just surviving one day at a time. My son continues to suffer with back and hip pain of undetermined origin. His employer does not provide "sick" time so he just grits his teeth and keeps going.

Don't understand the double vision thing, Dee. I'm fine when walking around the house, but when I'm in a moving vehicle(even as a passenger), it is disorienting with both eyes trying to focus. I have to cover one eye. I don't attempt to drive any more.

I can trim my bangs, but wouldn't try for an entire haircut.

Kay, one of my heels cracks and bleeds. I alternate between hydrocortisone cream and vitamin E cream. It never heals completely. Hope you're able to get yours checked out soon.

[Margm]

30 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Kay, one of my heels cracks and bleeds. I alternate between hydrocortisone cream and vitamin E cream. It never heals completely. Hope you're able to get yours checked out soon.

My mom and my daughter both had/have the cracking heels.  I used to.  Mama went barefoot in the house all the time, outside too sometimes.  My daughter wears flip-flops and croc's.  I keep a pair of diabetic knee high socks on all the time and sleep in ankle socks.  My daughter cannot stand socks on her feet, but those cracks get infected.  Trying to file the rough skin only makes them sore.  I wear sneakers all the time.  I think I could probably fall off them too.  The diabetic socks are not tight and are soft and fluffy.  

[KarenK]

Marg, I wear sox and sandals around the house. I have never been a barefoot person. Except back in grade school(in the dinosaur age), I ran track and we always ran barefoot. No rules and regs back then. My best friend had her front teeth knocked out by a flying bat while catching in a softball game(no face protectors back then either). Anyway, my heels would get callused and I would trim them with a razor blade. Maybe I'm paying for that now.  lol

[Margm]

29 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Anyway, my heels would get callused and I would trim them with a razor blade. Maybe I'm paying for that now.  lol

Mine never did it again after I started wearing slip on sneakers.  I wear the long socks because they provide soft compression.  Not  uncomfortable at all.  Mama used any kind of thing to file the calluses off.  Hers would crack to the bleeding part.  My daughters are pretty much the same.  I can only figure it is because I never wear open heeled shoes anymore.  Besides, I honestly need all the foundation under me I can get.  I have been known to not pick my feet high enough and the floor will nearly throw me down.  Good luck with that.  It is miserable.  

[Widow2015]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

I'm fine when walking around the house, but when I'm in a moving vehicle(even as a passenger), it is disorienting with both eyes trying to focus. I have to cover one eye. I don't attempt to drive any more.

Karen:   The double vision sounds awful - must make you nauseous as well.  Glad you discovered a way to deal with it by covering one eye.  Understandable you don't attempt to drive.  I'm so sorry. 

I have limited my driving due to traffic, unfamiliar area, and my aged eyes.  Only comfortable going on short trips and only in daylight.  Good thing I am an introvert so don't mind my company too much.

Is the dizziness from your vision issue or your blood pressure medication?  I kinda remember your blood pressure medication was an issue for awhile.  Like Marg said, "Our Golden Years are Tarnished Years."  And now, you have worries about your son.  Take care.  Dee

[KarenK]

No nausea with the double vision. The dizziness is usually in the evening while trying to cook(maybe I'm allergic to cooking, lol). I think it's a combination of exhaustion from not sleeping well and my BP med dosage too high causing my BP to drop too low. For some reason my doctor wants it to be about 110/60. It drops to 50 and my body doesn't like it. I lowered the dosage myself once and was better off. May do that again. The doctor doesn't live in this body. I do.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

If I am overstepping with my comments, please excuse this "old Lady".  I am just so sorry you have to be burdened with this as well as your health/pain issues. 

I wish I could find a better solution.  When I need help the hire places cannot be here.  As I’ve said, they work in blocks of time or live in full time which is outrageously expensive.  Not overstepping at all.  I feel trapped by the whole situation.  Even the dreaded assisted living wouldn’t solve it.  Also eventually bankrupt me to living off the state till my nest egg runs out and  become a ward of the state which means nursing home.  A true nightmare.  Will NOT do that.  Nope, I’ll be gone by then.  Probably sooner.  Absolutely nothing worth being here for.

New recycling bin came today.  That’s great but they left the old one.  Call number one Monday.  There will be mail today so chances of more fires to put out.  Even tho I grouse, I guess it’s better than sitting here drowning in the thoughts of now and the future.  At the mercy of repetitive TV.
 

Dee was talkative when she  got home and then quiet. She’s been acting odd since her walk after dinner which is suggested of alcohol.  I asked why she’ is but she denies she is.  I hope I don’t jinx anything, but at least she’s not being cruel to me.  I’ll ask in the morning and hope I get the truth.  Too late, I'e been informed I made her feel bad by telling her she’s repeating.  She asked me to do that.  It was the 3rd time she asked if I had an iron.
 

I got the new nightshirt from Amazon.  It’s  extra large so I swim in it.  Even washing and drying it won’t make much difference but soften it up.  As Karen has said, not looking to make any fashion statements anymore.  
 

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

itI lowered the dosage myself once and was better off. May do that again. The doctor doesn't live in this body. I do.

That really gets to me too.  Big time.  Can’t count how many times I’ve had to remind a doctor that.  I know drug sale reps hard sell meds often without all info and incentive.  You really have to advocate for yourself.  Hope it works for you.

Holiday has thrown me off.  But I know today will be another day in paradise.

 

  

[kayc]

I ALWAYS wear socks/shoes, so it's just the weather I guess, I don't know.  I try to moisturize my feet but not regularly enough, apparently.  I ordered Colossal Silver Gel to help in their healing, won't be here until Wednesday, when I have to go out of town to the doctor and get groceries (it's been three weeks).  I need to stop in at the dentist's but may wait until next trip in.  This weekend I'm staying in, off my feet, supposed to have funeral today, church tomorrow, but they'll expect me to be in the kitchen, cleaning up, so staying home off my feet.  Right now Neosporin and Bandaid will have to do.  Epsom soaks didn't help.

Gosh, Gwen, another day in paradise is right...I just wish you could find a caregiver that could work your hours.  Damn!  My daughter is what you need, but she is so busy in Eugene....there has to be someone there like her, it's hard finding the one.  Peggy never did find one, I was it until I could no longer lift her heavy walker in/out of the car (several times each trip), I injured my hand and had to go to the doctor, that was scary, it got all cold and white (after purple).  Her life was barely cobbed together but it worked.  I see how lucky she was to die when she did, otherwise it'd have headed to not a good outcome.

 

[Widow2015]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I wish I could find a better solution.  When I need help the hire places cannot be here.  As I’ve said, they work in blocks of time or live in full time which is outrageously expensive.  Not overstepping at all.  I feel trapped by the whole situation.

Gwen:  I remember years ago when we were looking for homecare for my Mom how expensive it was then - 20 years ago.  I can imagine how expensive good homecare is now.   Just so hope there will be a solution soon for you.  Take care. Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

I sometimes go back and read what I've written and sometimes I say too much about family problems.  Some of my family is very proud, sometimes to the point of stubbornness.  My dad knew he was terminal, but he was afraid of pain pills, afraid he would get addicted.  (His daughter (me) is not that proud). But being stubborn sometimes is mind boggling to other family members.  We do not all run on the same track, and I do them disservice to talk about them.  I'm sorry.  I let frustration get the best of me sometimes, but that is really no excuse.   

[KarenK]

Marg, there have been things I've said here that were better left unsaid, for sure. Sometimes frustrations just have to be expressed, especially when there is no one to talk to in person. Some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves. Totally opposite to what I was taught. My father always told me "Keep your own counsel". I never listened.

[Gwenivere]

It was another alcohol night.  I told her she becomes what she hates, a bully.  No sense wasting more on this topic here.  It’s evident I need to find a solution.   This time I was extremely dead set on terms.  
 

Our Seahawks are playing In Italy today so have the DVR set to record at as it’s at 6:30am here.  Have no idea why they are over there with Tampa Bay.  Both teams have arenas.  Maybe I’m wrong about Tampa.  Got to be hard core to watch at that hour.  Some will, booze and all.  
 

Been thrown off for days by the holiday.  Now it’s really Sunday.  Might have a Zoom meeting with my buddy.  Know the game will be running.

Shrink cut my meds as I expected.  Enough to make withdrawal worse.

 I so want to cry.  Need the release.  Anyone find it hard to cry?  Like your so empty inside?

 

 

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I rarely if ever cry.  I used to cry a lot.  I think I cried all my tears out or maybe I just realize it does nothing about anything.  I cry on the inside.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

It was another alcohol night.  I told her she becomes what she hates, a bully.

I'm sorry.  I really am.

I don't know about WA, but in OR when a person runs out of $ the state will kick in for the caregiving the rest of their lives, I'm sure in exchange for your property, but who cares once you're dead!  My place won't be worth much anyway.

[Margm]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I so want to cry.  Need the release.  Anyone find it hard to cry?  Like you're so empty inside?

This was a side effect (I felt, not including others) of being on antidepressants so long.  I had a very flat affect.  Believe me, that is the only "flat" I've ever had.  I could not cry at all.  

Thanks Karen.  I have so much frustration and I think I better just hush.  

[Widow2015]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I so want to cry.  Need the release.  Anyone find it hard to cry?  Like your so empty inside?

Gwen:  I find it so easy to cry especially since I spend a lot of time by myself, it is easy to let the tears fall.  For me, it's a release as well as a motivation to keep going.  Once the crying ends, I remind myself my husband would not want me to cry.  He'd want me to "carry on". 

Today as I was purging through old files, (still downsizing!) I came across paperwork that represented our years of married life; many with my husband's signature.  So, I let the tears flow and once I convinced myself I needed to finish chore I wiped the tears and got on with it.  The emptiness is always with me, tears or no tears. 

I don't mean to minimalize your situation but we're all different in our situation and how we handle our emotions.  There can't be a right answer.  Would be good if there was some release for you, somehow or someway.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

To get to the point the state helps you, you have to be without financial resources.  That’s what scares me.  Plus winds you up in the worst place ever.  A nursing home.  Having volunteered at one, and a supposed good one,  I saw how understaffed and hires were of people were not inspired for the job.  Residents waiting hours for help.  Some familiar pulling their loved ones out that were paying.  Made rehab look like nirvana.  Not sure about assisted living.  I know they had someone there 24/7 per 8 residents.  
 

Really yucky Sunday night.  Certainly not as cold as the Midwest or back east, but much more than we are used to here so soon.  
 

Usual week coming up.  Add in a nurse coming by.  I’m getting to hate shower days.  So much work and pain.  Actually no day is anything to like.  That’s nothing new.

My usual Sunday Zoom call was cancelled.  The only call that isn’t tied to this mess.  Didn’t realize how much I like that half hour helps.

Dee, wish I could cry like you do.  Steve wouldn’t want me to cry either.  But he’d understand.  He knew how much I loved him.  And still would and do.  It’s one thing that never changes when you have the rest thing.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Plus winds you up in the worst place ever.  A nursing home.

It doesn't here, that's what I am saying, I looked into it for Peggy because had she lived, her caregiver would have eaten through all her resources.  They will provide a caregiver in your home for the rest of your life.  (Of course if your well goes dry, or something big happens, good luck with that, I'm sure!)  It's cheaper for them to do that than pay for you in a nursing home.

Dee, I get that tears are a release, but I haven't cried for years.  Not even when I found out Jim had been lying to be for 13 years.  Not when I had to evacuate.  Not when George's anv. of death rolled around.  Nothing, I feel like it's on a shut off valve, but it doesn't mean I don't have a great supply of tears on the inside.  Not saying how it is for anyone else, just me...I truly think I cried them all out when I was younger.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve never heard.of any way someone gets someone in home from the state if they have money to pay for a caregiver.  If that were that were the caee there'd be no need for all these companies that provide them.  The only time the state gets involved Is lack of funds and not to keep you at home.  It’s cheaper to throw you in a facility where you vie for care and no one is available to just you.  Rereading what you wrote confirms this.  Having funds.  
 

Talked to my doctor.  Not changing pain med dose for now.  I can do that at will til we talk to a pain specialist for other options like patches  to possibly stop the same ups and downs pills do.  I see problems the4e too.  There’s  just no simple way to deal with  serious pain relief.  He said to  stop using antibiotic cream and go with vasoline instead.

Said something Dee overheard  I know will come back to haunt me when she next melts down.  It was bad enough last night.  
 

Have too many things happening here this week.  But without them the day would forever to get thru them.  Woke up Monday morning by agonizing pain. Never felt anything like it.  Probably a pinched nerve, a huge one. My meager refuge is shrinking.  I need new glasses and it’s really priority.  It’s tough when your depression adds to itself. 

 

 

[kayc]

59 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve never heard.of any way someone gets someone in home from the state if they have money to pay for a caregiver.

No, that's not what I said, I said when she runs out of $ they would, of course I'm sure you have to sign over your house, I mentioned that.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

The only time the state gets involved Is lack of funds and not to keep you at home.

That's not so here, I mentioned that too, it's Oregon, I don't know about WA.  Here they'd rather keep you in your home than pay for a nursing home as that costs a helluva lot more!

23 hours ago, kayc said:

They will provide a caregiver in your home for the rest of your life. 

 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Not changing pain med dose for now.  I can do that at will til we talk to a pain specialist for other options like patches  to possibly stop the same ups and downs pills do.

This sounds a better plan!

What is the Vaseline for?