My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Dee.  I am trusting I my own vet.   I can’t imagine having a meeting about my babies death.  I don’t want to talk about the possibilities and have things pointed out to me with thier opinion when I already know what they are.  I definitively don’t want anyone planting in my head dates or timelines.  It’s hard enough as it is.  I’m already scared I will not be with her with how bad my breathing is getting and may be away from home.  Making sure she is OK when she sleeps deeply.  Us dog moms are as vigilant as any momma.  

Was an odd Easter.  I wouldn’t have known it was except the usually open stores were closed or closed early.  The news was covered with neighborhoods doing things while maintaining distance.  Churches vacant.  I always lose track of days anyway.  Sunday’s are usually big for grocery shopping for those that go out.  Didn’t know it could get more empty out there.  The Lutheran church by me was still handing out meals which was a good thing to see.  A local take out (Dicks) had donated burgers so that was cool.  I missed making a ham for us.  Glazed with honey and cinnamon.  I know sometimes I think a holiday won’t matter, but it seems we did something for each.  Steve liked that a lot as his didn’t except the biggies.  I had pointed out once they did Xmas wrong opening presents on the eve.  The point was to torture kids overnight.  He sure became one with me begging to open at least one one the eve which I allowed.  Then it was waking me up in the morning with that glee and excitement.  Wow, really babbled there.

i hope everyone had a decent day.  I did very little but got my hair washed.  I tried what my cousin suggested after just doing my the night before and while it made for less intensive time, I still had to reapply stuff.  So next time it’s just body or both. 2 nights in a row setting things up was too much.  

The fallout from the fall I took this morning is kicking in.  Ought to be an interesting sleep and wake up.  Then I talk to my doc on the phone.  So frustrating all this restriction.  Like that is news.  It may be serious enough to be seen in person, but even that doesn’t make me feel better as I am med'd out.  

As our dear George would say.....shalom.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

my Sunday friend has now said I am possibly being selfish taking Ally in for treatment.  Endangering the people that volunteered to do it.

My immediate thought is who needs a "friend" like this!  I am so sorry for the pain she causes you.  I don't know why people don't think about the effect of their words sometimes, but this is very caustic and hurtful.  She obviously doesn't know what it's like to be in your situation.  Only you can decide if the friendship is worthwhile to you.  When I found out Arlie had cancer and my "friend" was so hurtful to me, I cut him loose, and that was over 40 years of knowing him!  But it wasn't done lightly, I couldn't handle his emotional abuse at that time and later found he decided not to have anything to do with me...not considering the effect of his words on my emotional state at that time.  I figure it was overdue.  It is what it is.  Not like I have so many friends to throw away, but sometimes we have to make a decision that is best for ourselves.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Am I selfish for not releasing her 2 days ago?

Hell, no!  You are a pet parent that loves her and wants her to enjoy any quality of life that she has left in her.  You are her mom, you know best when "it is time" and when it is not.  I want to mention that this is a grey area, not always 100% neon light blinking at us, we grapple with when it is that time, there's a myriad of different things to take into account, including all of our emotions and what they are trying to tell us.  I pray that when that time does come, you will know and be as at peace with the decision making as one can be...this is never easy.  Right now she is doing better so I think therein is your answer.

As far as the antibiotics goes, I'd be the last to give you medical advice, but anytime we can do w/o antibiotics we're better off as it destroys our gut bacteria and makes us more susceptible to contracting things.  I struggled for quite a while the last time the doctor put me on them, which was almost two years ago.  I hope and pray you continue getting better and do not have pneumonia.  If your lungs sounded okay that wouldn't point to having it I would think.

I'm so sorry for your fall!  It's good you have back up glasses.  I got some in July and somehow scratched my right lens real bad and my left eyesight has changed greatly so I can't see well with them but not due to get another pair fore another 15 1/2 months!  You're smart to have a spare on hand, I can't even get some more made w/o going in even if I pay for it, something I can't do right now anyway. 

Don't give up just yet, these are the worst of times and won't last forever, can't wait for you to see some light at the end of the tunnel.  Praying for you, you're on my mind and in my heart. 

 

 

[Margm]

Somehow or other, some of us hit a wall.  I'm bouncy, but I don't get up easy.  Yep, the black dog is taking over.  Knowing I'm not by myself is not helping.  This prisoner under your own roof brings out many things.  More pain.  Hearing those footsteps behind me.  Grief is tough and a depression you never get rid of.  Being imprisoned makes other characters come out.  I don't like the main one.  Sleep till noon.  Bed at 3:00 or 4:00 a.m.  It is not me, it is someone I used to know though, for many years.  I think we all are feeling a thumb pushing down on us.  Those with illness, the thumb has us squashed, hard to fight back when you can't breathe.  Literally, I understand Gwen, you walk around like this as an everyday thing.  I'm sorry.  When you cannot fix yourself, it is hard to help someone else.  One challenge is 2000 miles.  Another is, we have to fix that what is broken in ourselves.  And sometimes you get to where you wonder why. I fought the grief, but the black dog has come to visit and seems to want to stay.  

 

[kevin]

Animals are part of the family...my last two Dogs I had to put them down, and it was difficult. My first dog Tappy, I definitely kept him around too long....he lived on baby Tylenol and Steak at the end(forced hydration with Baster)......and my grand kids were upset when I told them he was passed, they wanted to say good bye...I wanted to avoid the second guessing and emotion of the moment....I had a hard time keeping it together..... Pets are such a Joy...

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

She obviously doesn't know what it's like to be in your situation.  Only you can decide if the friendship is worthwhile to you. 

Hell, no!  You are a pet parent that loves her and wants her to enjoy any quality of life that she has left in her.  You are her mom, you know best when "it is time" and when it is Right now she is doing better so I think therein is your answer.

I hope and pray you continue getting better and do not have pneumonia.  If your lungs sounded okay that wouldn't point to having it I would think.

I'm so sorry for your fall!  It's good you have back up glasses. 

Don't give up just yet, these are the worst of times and won't last forever, can't wait for you to see some light at the end of the tunnel.  Praying for you, you're on my mind and in my heart. 

No,Nina does not have a clue to being utterly alone with all these complications.  I missed a month with Ally when I was away for the 35 days January thru February.   I do need her to make decisions if I cannot.  I have reframed the 'friendship' as a casual one and placed many borders not to cross in conversations.  It’s not ideal, but this way I do have some contact and I need any I can get.  I’ve given up on tight relationships except for how I feel here. It’s interesting I feel closer to all of you than I do to someone I see physically.  But then again not.  I can be totally me here.  I will make the decision when the time dictates and will call either her or Tom (Melody's godfather) to be with me.  

I am in the ER again.  Got my fav doc and waiting for an X-ray result.  Everyone is pretty sure it is inflammation of my lungs since the pneumonia, but want to verify.  I also want to go over what antibiotics she feels I need as I trust her more than having been tossed around between 4 docs from my clinic.  The frustrating thing about AB's is the wait of 24-48 hours and of course side effects.  Might mean a couple days of staying in jammies to ease the getting dressed, but giving up drives.  But then, drives don’t require fancy clothes and I’ve seen people out in thier stay at home clothes. 

I was able to straighten out my glasses without breaking them as they are my favorite.  Even a slight change in distance from your eye changes getting used to the same prescription.  I wish you could get another pair.  I know there are the very inexpensive places as long as you have your exam and get thier frames, but probably not in your town.

That light at the end of the tunnel is so dim.  My doc was talking pulmonary and cardiac appointments he would like me to get into in person.  The cardiac one was for a stress test and they use a drug to speed up your heart for measurements.  That means a guaranteed panic attack.  I’m so sick of myclinic,I’ve been passed around to so many docs with different opinions and solutions.  I’m waiting for the release papers from the ER right now.  I trust this doc and she said to try one of the AB's I was prescribed and call the pulmonologist tomorrow.  She’s no nonsense, said this would be hard and 'I was not a well woman' with all these conditions.  

On top of this my PCP lied and had not called ahead to the ER.  I just called the drug store where he said he was calling in another AB and didn’t.  I’m going to have to switch to another there who isn’t great, but she does what she says.  Going home for a good cry and feeling sick and try to get thru this.

[widow'15]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Us dog moms are as vigilant as any momma.

Gwen: Our Fur Babies help us get through our lonely days in so many ways.   I am amazed how Maddie reads me just as I read her.  Her ability to walk into my bedroom every morning at exactly the same time is amazing.  She must have an inner alarm clock.  Just as you can tell if Ally is uncomfortable by the way she reacts towards you.   There are days Maddie may be a little quieter but it passes, just as I have some days my old bones actually hurt less.

Yes, it was an odd Easter.  Since my son was in my neck of the woods on an errand, (he lives about an hour away from my house) he insisted on dropping off some take out food at my front door with some Easter candy.  They stood out in my driveway for a few minutes while we wished all a Happy Easter at a safe distance.  Would have been so much nicer to have had a real meal together.  

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That light at the end of the tunnel is so dim.  My doc was talking pulmonary and cardiac appointments he would like me to get into in person.

Try to keep your eye on that light at the end of the tunnel.  Hopefully it will get brighter the closer you get to the end.  Hoping you are home by now.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

In case anyone thinks I was making a joke of animals, I wasn't.  Winston Churchill called his depression the "black dog."  Wiley Hilburn, a writer of a column would refer to being visited by his "black dog" and might be an odd way to describe depression, but it "follows us around."  My last and favorite dog I ever had was the black Chow.  Every dog I ever had as a child, died some terrible death.  (Way out in the country living, not much traffic, but think Ring chased cars).  When Ring (black spaniel) was hit by a car, the other dogs came to fight him and I never understood.  I saw death up close with all my pets because my mom would not let me keep them in the house.  Midget, the little dog my dad brought home in a big match box, he lived until I was 15.  He died of pneumonia outside my window.  I had him in a box with blankets, all I could do.  Never took one to a vet until after I got married.  After Bear died, I did not get close to another animal.  They are a joy to have, but my daughter goes into a depression when she loses one, and with her bipolar and my depression, I'm not going to push my luck.  My aunt, as she got older, she was not going to have another dog, she loved them so much, she was alone, and said she did not want to leave one without her.  (She lived till she was 91).

So, no offence against fur babies.  I think I understand your feelings.  No, I won't have another fur baby.  I will stand by Kelli and try to help her when her aging poodle, who is sickly, passes.  But, I won't go through that again myself.  Just my choice.  No other husbands either.  

But I do understand your fur babies are part of your family.  

 

[KarenK]

Marg, the black dog has been with me for a very long time. In 2006, when we were leaving Debbie's and she was on the porch waving goodbye, Ron turned to me and said "Debbie has cancer". I replied "No, she doesn't". How he knew I couldn't tell you and neither could he, only that I lived with him for 40 years and he had too many premonition that came true. He could only describe them as a feeling of dread engulfing him. Still, we never mentioned it again until 2008 when she called with her diagnosis. His dread was never about himself, only family members. The black dog was here for more than one and he finally took them. He's never far away. He comes at night when I try to sleep and runs a constant video of the last two weeks of Debbie's life as she lay suffering. She looked like  holocaust victim when she died. I cannot unsee those things and never will. He's not here to take me, only to leave me in torment.

Gwen, I hope you're home safe again and with the right medication. Just my opinion, but I would not have a friendship with someone who doesn't have my best interests at heart. You don't need that type of contact. It can only add to your stress.

 

[KarenK]

Marg, just read your last post. I knew what you meant. The black dog is also an urban legend of various types. For truckers, it appears if they start to fall asleep driving. It signifies a bad or fatal accident. Thank you, Patrick Swayzee.

[Gwenivere]

I loved Patrick Swayzee.  I had seen so many interviews with him and you could tell what a nice and compassionate man he was.  Never sought the spotlight, loyal to his marriage, never on the cover of rag magazines.  Yes, he was extremely easy on the eyes.  He had that final show, The Beast, with his cancer and it was so sad to see him wasting away.  I’ll always remember the SNL skit with he and Chris Farley competing for a Chippebdale dancer and him saying no way he could win over Farley.   Although billed as a chick flick, Ghost is one of my favorite movies.  Dirty Dancing is another.  He and his wife had 37 years of marriage.  That’s commitment and not some if this crazy stuff I see with out front celebrities.  I honestly don’t get the fascination with following the likes of Jennifer Aniston or Brad Pitt.  I watch actors for their jobs, not thier personal lives.  That would be like wanting to know all about my refuse or recycle collector.  Can you tell I have time to kill writing this?  

Never heard of the black dog.  But from the explanation I have a big one.

[KarenK]

Gwen, I think I fell in love with him watching North and South. Also loved Dirty Dancing and Ghost. Heck, I loved watching him in anything. I have several of his movies on dvd. Yet another tragedy when he died. So many of the good ones are gone. Never a big Brad Pitt fan, although I liked him in Legends Of The Fall.

[KarenK]

It's surely a sign of the times. I've seen 2 commercials tonight from toilet paper manufacturers about how they are working harder and faster to get the products out to stock the shelves. A country brought to it's knees due to lack of toilet paper. Not funny by any means, but something none of us ever thought we would see.

[kayc]

No there are no eyeglass places in my town, but I can't get the cheap ones, have too many prisms and triple progressives.  Mine were $357 just for the lenses, I used old frames.  None of the places are open during this time, too close contact for something that isn't an emergency.

I'm sorry you can't trust your doctor, could it be she told an assistant to do it and they didn't?  I think I'd say something.  That's not acceptable!  Dang I'm sorry for all you're going through!

l know the light is dim, but as Dee said, keep looking toward it, this won't last forever.  When I've been in really hard places in my life, I woke up, looked in the mirror and told myself that.  I suggested it to my daughter as she's going through one of the toughest times of her life.

 

 

[Margm]

Thanks Karen.  I've always called it my "black dog of depression" until I knew it was grief.  I'm sure it still is.  I go many days without it, but this self quarantine in prison of one's residence has brought on new feelings aside from my grief.  So easy and true to blame it on grief, only this is something different than grief, made worse by grief.  I think being guilted and ordered not to leave my house by my sister hit me square in the chest.  Being told what I had to do is new to me since Billy lefft.  Never being on my own in my life except these over four years, it also took my confidence away and threw me into deep depression, not just grief.  Together, they confused an old lady that does not need any more confusion. 

I have always treated these feelings with getting in the car and driving.  By myself.  But, because of my "innards" I have to be completely without coffee, Sprite, no water, nothing to make my "innards" start their daily "can't leave house anyhow" functions. 

Historically, Winston Churchill would refer to it as such, but it goes further back.  This is what is listed in "Listener" and is titled "Where the black dog metaphor for depression comes from. (M<arc Wilson, 11-28-2018).

"Foley calls us all into the parlour and points directly at Samuel Johnson, author of the first dictionary (played for laughs by Robbie Coltrane in the excellent Blackadder the Third), as the culprit. He quotes letters written by Johnson in the late 1700s that clearly associate “the black dog” with mood in lines such as, “when he comes the first thing he does is to worry my master”. The trail dries up at this point – it’s not obvious what might have inspired him, and the leading candidates lead down dead ends. Samuel Johnson it is then."

[widow'15]

On 4/13/2020 at 11:22 AM, Marg M said:

And sometimes you get to where you wonder why. I fought the grief, but the black dog has come to visit and seems to want to stay.  

Marg:  After I read what you wrote, last night when I finally got into to bed I kept running your post thru my mind, wondering, "Now, what could Marg mean about the black dog"?  Reading everyone's comments today and your explanation I totally agree that black dog is always going to be waiting.  The Spring weather has come and the sun is shining, but still that black feeling is trying to creep in.  I'm finding what I used to care about doesn't really matter anymore.  It could be my age brought on by aches and pains and my dwindling eyesight that allows that black dog to get inside me.  The painful reality of not having my dear husband beside me during this miserable social distancing and being told we have to remain even more alone only magnifies that black feeling. 

I am thankful I do have a few loved ones, not too far away, that seem to care about me in spite of their busy lives.  That will have to be enough to try to keep that black dog from my doorway.  

Keeping all of us with hopeful thoughts.  Dee 

[widow'15]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I loved Patrick Swayzee.  I had seen so many interviews with him and you could tell what a nice and compassionate man he was.  Never sought the spotlight, loyal to his marriage, never on the cover of rag magazines.  Yes, he was extremely easy on the eyes.

Gwen:  Yes, sooo easy on the eyes.  I always loved how beautifully he and his wife danced together.  I have lost count how many times I've watched Dirty Dancing.  Dee

 

[kevin]

  patrick Swayze ,Chris Farley skit was outstanding........it was amazing how agile Farley was..Both men died too young...

[Gwenivere]

Wow!  Thanks Kevin!  A little eye candy was needed today as well as the laugh.  Truly both great guys.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, here is your second laugh for the night. I decided to make a box of brownies, which I've probably done at least a hundred times. Color me blind or stupid, but even after reading the directions more than once, I put in waaay too much water. Thought it sure was soupy while stirring it, but oh well. Put them in the oven and looked at the box. Whoops! Guess it will be Brownie Surprise! Too bad the dogs can't eat chocolate.

[Margm]

10 hours ago, widow'15 said:

  It could be my age brought on by aches and pains and my dwindling eyesight that allows that black dog to get inside me.  The painful reality of not having my dear husband beside me during this miserable social distancing and being told we have to remain even more alone only magnifies that black feeling. 

I like to sorta stay close.  I have to  totally dehydrate myself to go any long lengthy trip.  I can do it, have to do it.  And, it hurts to move around in the bed most nights, but that was just since the colon rupture and the fact that I can get around is a miracle.  I had lost my favorite aunt on February 1st of 2014 and the colon burst with sepsis in March.  The ambulance stopped on the side of the long trip to the hospital and they could not get me a blood pressure.  Kelli thought I had passed, but somehow I pulled through.  I saw two little dark haired girls about 5-6 years old sitting on each side of the steps of the ambulance.  I asked about them when I came to.  No one but me saw them.  My Angels, I like to think. One of my best friends would call and sent flowers.  Tonight she will probably leave us and somehow I am so sad, but she has missed her husband for over 20 years.  She stayed beautiful, had her own business and took care of all her family.  She was taking care of her brother when they discovered her cancer.  He quit treatments and she could not take them.  I am so sad and yet I know she suffered all those years taking care of family, a daughter very ill, but I think and hope her husband is  there waiting for her.  I will miss our long messages, we started school the same year, same school, graduated together.  

Goodnight.  

[Gwenivere]

Karen, that is funny.  I’ve lost count of the many things I do now I have done ritually for years and go into a mind blank.  Some I know is the lack of oxygen, but I think it’s also anxiety and loneliness.  Rituals I know will lead into another repiticious day.  How many of those can a person take and not feel they are losing their mind?  All I want to do is sleep.  I keep trying to do tasks, push my way thru and am wiped out.   Get so lightheaded it’s scary.

I was supposed to have much needed housecleaning yesterday, but they didn’t have the correct protection.  So more than a week in this dusty and dog fur covered house.  I may break down and change the pillowcases and have them do the bed later.  That’s over a week from now.  I always forget how massively hard it is to walk in pain and needing oxygen.  I went to the drug store for some wine and chocolate.  Wearing a mask was suffocating me even more so.  It’s so depressing to have all this time to fill and not be able to take advantage of it.  Brush the dogs, shake out rugs and bed covers.  Not have my body shift between freezing and burning up all day.  Talking to doctors that want to induce stress with stimulants to check my heart even tho an ER doc said my artery scans were great.  To voluntary have a panic attack seems no big deal to them.  They obviously have never had one.  No one can give me answers beyond my lung condition worsening meaning this may be it.   The downward slide with no way back.  Now, if that isn’t a reason for despair, I don’t know what is.  

Rambled again.......how was the brownie soup?  Heck, it’s chocolate.  Can’t be all bad.  I’ve eaten melted and reformed shapes of it and the taste of that heaven is grand.  But, I’ve never had the brownie experience.  Do tell!

[KarenK]

Surprisingly, they came out fine, just cake like instead of chewy. I cooked them an extra ten minutes. I had actually used 1 1/4 cups of water instead of 1/4 cup, so go figure.

I've not done the injection stress test, only the treadmill which I thought was stupid. How many times in my life am I going to have to run uphill? Ron had the injection and hated it. He also had to go a couple of times a year to have his pacemaker adjusted. It's done in the office, but remotely by a special tech. It was always scary to me that someone could literally control whether your heart beat or not. He always felt very tired and like crap after either procedure, but was fine the next day. I certainly understand your reluctance.

[kevin]

KayC, day 4 of the diet , seems longer...good thing is I’m going to slowly clean out the freezer.   Weather finally breaking up here which means I will do some biking..Went outside to start up old Mustang , battery dead, quick charge and she started...Will investigate more today.  Dry and sunny next week or so....Stay away from everybody next little while.  Gwen check mail..

[kayc]

Kevin, I'm rooting for you, you can do this!  I'm four pounds from goal and I can honestly say it's seemed effortless.  That doesn't mean the "rest of my life" will be.  I've heard it said it's harder keeping it off than getting it off, but we have the incentive of Diabetes, and wanting to remain independent and stay active means my staying on track!

[kayc]

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

Color me blind or stupid, but even after reading the directions more than once, I put in waaay too much water. Thought it sure was soupy while stirring it, but oh well. Put them in the oven and looked at the box. Whoops! Guess it will be Brownie Surprise!

Heat it and pour over ice cream, or mix it with some, like a milkshake!  I'd never waste good chocolate! 

Ahh, now I read it turned out okay!  I had a good laugh as it sounds like something I'd do, my eyesight (or mind) isn't the greatest!

Gwen, I'm sorry housecleaning hasn't showed up.  Dog fur is all that holds my carpet together.  Seems to me they wouldn't need to do a drug induced stress test for you, your life is already stress, they ought to be able to check you out w/o any further ado!