My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Gwen, just saw your post. I'm so very sorry about Ally. I hope the vet can figure this out and that she will be home with you again soon. Keeping you in my thoughts.

[MartyT]

Any update on your baby, Gwen? We are holding you close and hoping for the best . . . ❤️

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

we have to hit the stores to get something as simple, and necessary as toilet paper.

I don't think there IS toilet paper in the Pacific NW.  The hoarders bought it all.  I pray none of us get diarrhea and uses up our small portion left. 

[kayc]

Gwen,

I just read about your Ally, my heart is sick for you, OMG how hard!  My vet isn't letting anyone in right now, they come out to your car so people can't spread stuff in the waiting room, etc.  I called to get flea medicine and they said I have to call from the parking lot and they'll run my credit card and bring the Rx out.

I hope Ally is treatable and can pull through.  I can't imagine...please know we love you and care about what you and your baby are going through.  

[Gwenivere]

I called the vet and Ally’s fever is gone.  They have transitioned her to oral antibiotics.  I’m supposed to check back later this afternoon to see if she is stable (meaning able to get up and walk on her own) to bring home.  I told them I an unable to assist her so I’m very concerned.  Last night and this morning were horrible only getting out food and treats for one dog.  Melody and I did the night routines solo.  I almost put Ally’s crackers in her special spot this morning.  Her collar missing from the table.  All you pet people know about these things.  

I’m wary of her coming home because of my limited abilities and now aware if another crisis happens how useless I may be.  I’m also scared as I know what is inevitably coming.  

The holidays were so bad, then hospitalized, covid crap, pain, vascular probs, oxygen and now this.  Taxes done but refund practically spent on emergencies and my changed insurance coverage as it will be all year.  Was hoping I could painlessly have the yard cleaned up and I usually have the carpets cleaned after winter.  The worst is I just don’t care about that stuff.  I want to!  I can’t force it.  Well, I tuned this around to me and I need to think about my baby.  Tho she is the catalyst looking ahead.

I'm glad we don’t have rules we have to make sense.  

Marg?  The Xanax ain’t doing sh*t today!

[kayc]

17 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Marg?  The Xanax ain’t doing sh*t today!

You brought me my smile of the day!  I am so glad Ally's fever is gone, that's a start.  I do know what you mean about feeling useless, I could not lift Arlie by myself either and it scared me not having anyone here to help, but somehow we got through it and help emerged when I most needed it.  

Nope, we don't have to make sense!  Right now it's about survival...

[widow'15]

Gwen:  I know you are relieved Ally's temp is gone.   I so understand your fear of not being able to take care of her.  Each time I take Maddie for her treatments I pray that I will find a parking spot so I can get her out of the side door instead of the back of my SUV.  I feel the height is too high to let her jump down on her own.  I have fears of her injuring her legs - she weighs 71#'s.  If I can't find the perfect spot, I know I can ask for assistance from the staff.  But now with this virus worry, don't know if that would be available to me.  Each trip she seems to require more assistance getting into the car. 

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm glad we don’t have rules we have to make sense.  

Good Heavens, if there were rules to make sense, I would be the world's biggest rule breaker.  You have had so much on your plate recently, but you are still functioning in spite of all the set backs.  Please remember we are all pulling for you and your fur babies.  Hoping to hear Ally will get to feeling better really soon.  Hugs, Dee

[KarenK]

Gwen, so glad to hear that Ally is doing better. Is there a diagnosis for what caused this? I don't remember what kind of dog she is. I could never pick up either of our dogs. Heck, I can barely lift a ten lb. bag of potatoes. I can identify with useless. I always fix dinner for us and for several months now about halfway thru I start sweating and get dizzy. Have to ask for help to finish. It's not because the kitchen is hot or the fact that I don't really like cooking. Not sure what causes it, but it makes me mad that I can't do a simple thing. Enough about me!

Hope you are able to get your girl home soon and that she remains well.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

I can identify with useless. I always fix dinner for us and for several months now about halfway thru I start sweating and get dizzy.

KarenK:  Are you on medications that might be causing this?  I find if I don't drink enough water my blood pressure medicine makes me dizzy.  Take care, Dee.

[KarenK]

Dee, it doesn't appear to be my blood pressure. I take 1 BP pill in the morning and a different one at night. Used to take 3 but over time became dizzy because BP went too low. Have been taking these for 18 years. I find that I have to stand up slowly not to get dizzy and any exertion more than just walking gets me out of breath. This from someone who used to climb boulders and wilderness hike. What a letdown! I am attributing this to my COPD which is probably getting worse and the crazy Aspergillus that I will always carry. Of course, I attribute this to me as I'm the one who doesn't want to stop smoking. Have to keep one of my vices😄  I should drink more water. The most I drink is in the form of coffee.

[widow'15]

46 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Of course, I attribute this to me as I'm the one who doesn't want to stop smoking. Have to keep one of my vices😄  I should drink more water. The most I drink is in the form of coffee.

KarenK:  I think drinking water is a habit thing and if I drink the required amount, I find myself visiting the b/room too much. LOL   Coffee is only one of my vices so understand your vice.  This getting up is age is not fun.  Do take care.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I would sooooo love a cig.  Had to quit because I went on oxygen.  I tried bargaining with it but got tired of feeling like a kid breaking the rules.  Plus my lungs are trashed and at the time I had a new pup I was enjoying.  Now we’ll over a year later  sometimes wonder why I even care.  I’m hooked on the lozenges anyway.  Every time I see someone light up I salivate!  🤪

Ally is home but it’s tough.  She is very weak in her hind legs and on antibiotics for pneumonia.  She needs help often getting up and that is not a good combo with my back.  Had to close off access to the back yard as she loses footing and I can’t be going out there to help her every time.  So now she is confined to the patio and I’m waiting til she gets that she poops and pee's there.  I guess she’s TOO well trained.  I’m trying to keep her out of the kitchen too for the slippery floor.  The vet wanted me to put her in the bathroom with steam from the shower but not sure she will go for that.  Also separate the dogs in case it’s contag but thatvis impossible.  Fortunately a friend of Steve’s helped me put up barriers but it’s gonna be tense til she gets strength back.  It’s like the perfect storm.....her weakness, my pain and lack of strength and oxygen getting in the way.  

I saw a side of the friend I thought I was making in my rehab buddy.  When I told her today about it the first thing she said was....why didn’t you put her down?  I was shocked! Yes, she is 15 but she’s still my baby.  Then she told me I was doing this for me (partially true) and not concerned about the pain Ally is in.  I don’t see any evidence of pain.  She was wagging her tail, wanted goodies when  she got home and sleeps on her pillow.  She claimed she’s done this many times (as did Steve and I) an I couldn’t get her to understand it wasn’t time in my mind.  Also that she should wait and see if someone asks for her opinion.  I’ve received nothing but support (thank all of you) here and from the few other people I know.  She said that is the way she is and it wouldn’t change.  So, I don’t think my hope of a good friend will happen.  I was so hoping to find a friend as it is so hard at my age.  Now I look back on our conversations and see she has never been very sympathetic towards me and I’ve always cheered for her when she made progress in her recovery.  I guess ecsee what we want to see sometimes, but she certainly opened my eyes last night.  

Enough of that babble.  Have a few hours to hope Ally will do her business before sleep.  I don’t want to even contemplate having to lean up the rug.  I need energy for myself tonight to shower.  

Got a call from the back doctors office.  Appointment by phone because of COVID.  My gawd, this is getting nuts, tho I don’t mind not trekking in here at the moment.  This will be the result of the MRI and I know he’s gonna say surgery as he has.  If it hasn’t changed much then I know some if the pain is probably vascular and can’t wait to see what the treatment for that is!  

Karen?  Toss me a cig, hold the lighter.  😎

[KarenK]

Gwen, I guess your new "friend" showed her true colors. I'm sorry the friendship did not turn out as you expected. I have run into that more times than I can count. I kind of gave up on expecting friendship. I've been stabbed one too many times and tend to be more cautious around people. I feel I have better friends here than I've ever known in person.

Tatum was confined to the living room(Robert's bedroom now) for 3 mo. following her last knee surgery. We put non slip rugs around the kitchen as she still has trouble getting up. Not particularly attractive, but then my whole house has been in disarray since the guys moved in. Another thing that was hard for me to adjust to as I was an immaculate housekeeper. I gave up on that. The vet said she will probably never fully recover due to her size, age, and arthritis setting in. She's back on anti-inflammatory meds for a while. She has good days and bad, but I wouldn't dream of putting her down because she's an inconvenience.

One day I'll probably turn over in my grave and say "Wish I hadn't smoked", but it is what it is.I

Hope your phone appointment goes well.

[Kieron]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I guess ecsee what we want to see sometimes,

I've got that tendency, too,.  It's hard for me to make friends, since I prefer a few deeper connections as opposed to many casual acquaintances.  So I find myself tolerating just a bit more from some people than I ought to, and if they go too far ( and several have presumed too much, or else they have ghosted me), I pull way back and put them in their place as acquaintances.  This new "norm" of social distancing is really putting this in perspective.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m waiting til she gets that she poops and pee's there.

Kodie, for some reason, thinks he shouldn't poop/pee in the fenced yard or his pen, which is nerve-wracking because instead of just opening the door for him to go out like Arlie did, I have to take him out on a leash somewhere else or walk him.  I've tried walking him inside the fenced yard, he won't go.

I hope Ally feels way better once over her Pneumonia.  That can really knock us down!

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

I feel I have better friends here than I've ever known in person.

For sure!  And I've gotten more help from George (iPraiseHim) than I have from my doctors on my Diabetes.  And tons more from Marty than I did my so-called grief counselor.  This little sleepy town didn't have much to offer!  Gwen, I'm sorry your "friend" has turned out to not be very supportive.  I would retort that I consider what my vet has to say about it.  Good grief!  What does she know of Ally's "pain" or lack of, anyway!  That's an assumption on her part, does she not think you'd do what's best for your own dog?  I cut my 45 year friend when he demanded I answer to HIM about how I treated Arlie with his cancer!  The arrogance!  It was the last straw at a very fragile time.  I was still willing to get past it a few months after Arlie passed but he wouldn't answer the phone to me and after my sister told me what he said to her husband, I was good and done.  We don't need people like that.  I guess if you can tolerate her as is you can be friends in a limited capacity, but I just found at the time that there is no way I could take him.  It was all I could do to get through that time.

I guess it's just as well I canceled Kodie's neutering...wouldn't have been able to get it done anyway.  The governor shut down dentists and vets for all but emergencies.  Don't know for how long.  I make my dental checkups six months in advance and don't know yet if I'll be able to go in the end of May.  Probably not.  Oh well, with no sugar in my system and eating low carb, inflammation and decay should not be present.  I heard barbers are all closed now too.  What a mess.  I still wonder what we're all going to do about t-paper.  My one sister who has IBS said she has two Costco packages so that would be 72 double rolls, of course that is for two people, I'm glad she got while the getting was good, she had it before this started.  Reminder to never let myself fall low on it again!

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I cut my 45 year friend when he demanded I answer to HIM about how I treated Arlie with his cancer!  The arrogance!  It was the last straw at a very fragile time. 

I guess it's just as well I canceled Kodie's neutering...wouldn't have been able to get it done anyway. 

My one sister who has IBS said she has two Costco packages so that would be 72 double rolls, of course that is for two people, I'm glad she got while the getting was good, she had it before this started.  Reminder to never let myself fall low on it again!

This woman was going to put down her dog because she didn’t think she could handle him when she got home and he had been adopted several times.  Don’t ask me the reasoning on that one.  All I know is there is nothing wrong with him.  I should have seen another red flag as she lets her ex husband hang out knowing he is lying to his wife that he is doing something else.  She SAYS she wishes  he wouldn’t but told me last night what a great day they had watching movies and eating.  It’s not an affair, but she knows he’s lying and that is beyond ethical grounds in my book.  They know his wife wouldn’t go for this.  Especially finding out he has been lying.  But yes Kay, I thought it took a lot of arrogance to immediately tell me how to care for my kid.  As much as I wanted to I held my tongue in rehab about her wanting to get rid of her dog rather than put him up again for adoption.  She has him home now and spoils hm.  I just don’t get how some people’s minds work.  She called me selfish for trying to save Ally and she did the same thing.  It’s just always a shock when the appropriate response is support, not judgement.  That’s like saying to people who’s dogs have cancer why bother with chemo?  Might it have something to do with love?  

Ally is doing better today except not eating much.  Vet said try chicken and rice as the kibble isn’t appealing to her.  She sure still likes peanut butter tho so I could sneak in her antibiotics and pain meds.  She even went to the back of the yard bypassing the blocking to do business and made it back.  Now I deal with how messed up my back got getting her in the car the other day.  My obsession is a shower as it’s been days.  I wish I could have gotten my hair trimmed way back to make this easier before the restrictions.  

All the vets here are going to you staying In the car while they do exams or vaccines.  I’m guessing elective surgeries are out here too.  They just don’t have the staff to run as normal.  

The TP wars go on.  My friend that got Ally in the house had to go to 2 stores to get  a total of 8 rolls.  I’m guessing a 4 pack at each store and he said he had been going every day and finally hit them on a stock up day.  I would have guessed staples would be the things to disappear first, milk, eggs, bread, meats.  But then I buy TP on sale so have lots of it.  I guess if I get robbed it will be that that takes precedence over DVD players and TV's.  I know one person who has his shotgun loaded!  I’ve never seen such craziness.

Deliveres from Amazon and others are running late.  There were rumors that all that would be delivered was food, but I found that wasn’t the case.  

Time to figure out someplace to go for perspective checks.  Someone told me a certain grocery sells premade rice which would make it easier on me or i'll buy some more minute stuff for Ally.  

Oh, I thought my computer was f*cked this morning.  Hit a link on hufington post that locked it up and i couldn’t turn it back on with the power button.  Thought this is the icing on the cake but unplugged it and it came up.  In this isolation time the last thing I needed was to lose my desktop as that is where all my business emails and some personal go.  I don’t want to be solely dependent on the iPad.  Always a little something to get the anxiety going it seems.  

Babble over and out.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I just don’t get how some people’s minds work.  She called me selfish for trying to save Ally and she did the same thing.  It’s just always a shock when the appropriate response is support, not judgement.  That’s like saying to people who’s dogs have cancer why bother with chemo?  Might it have something to do with love?  

Oh yes, Gwen there is always that one "friend" that has to say something that really hurts big time.  When I told a longtime friend about my dog's cancer and I was taking for chemo treatments, her comment was, "Now, why would you do that?"  We have known each other since high school -(she now lives in No. Carolina) -  so I would have expected her to either say nothing or support my decision.   She has a history of putting her foot in it throughout our relationship.  Right after my husband died I was telling her about my going to a Grief Group and all she was interested in was wanting to know about the widower that was a group member, encouraging me to get to know him.  I told her I wasn't the least bit interested in getting to know anyone, I was grieving the loss of a wonderful husband.  Funny though, last summer we were texting and she was trying to tell me what I should do regarding hiring a driver for my eye appointments.  I must have responded to her in a way that she didn't appreciate cause I haven't heard from her since.  Can't remember what I said, and it wasn't intentional to end the relationship, but it did.  Oh well, life goes on. LOL

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Ally is doing better today except not eating much.  Vet said try chicken and rice as the kibble isn’t appealing to her.  She sure still likes peanut butter tho so I could sneak in her antibiotics and pain meds.

Would Ally eat scrambled eggs?  Sometimes Maddie likes scrambled eggs with cooked chicken in it unless Ally is on a special diet.  Did your vet suggest cerenia - it's an appetite enhancer - it is by prescription and it is cheaper through Chewy.com than from Vet.  Don't mean to load you down with more worries, just suggestions.  Hoping you and your fur babies will get through this.  Take care, Dee

Edited March 22, 2020 by widow'15
changed are to is

[Gwenivere]

Never thought about scrambled eggs.  Wish they came already made.  She’s doing good with the rice and chicken.  Scarfed that down no problem.   Hey, there no suggestions I mind.  Other dog moms and dads have helped me and I’ve turned many people onto peanut butter rather than those pill pockets that dogs can outsmart.  Thanks for your input, Dee.  Might be dragging out a pan, my dogs love eggs, and have some for me too! 🦋

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That’s like saying to people who’s dogs have cancer why bother with chemo?  Might it have something to do with love?  

I only wish chemo would have helped my Arlie, his cancer was inoperable and spread throughout before they caught it.  I'd give anything in the world to have him here with me now, healthy and happy.  I would have to be on my deathbed to re-home my dog.  Even now I've asked my son to check my FB every night and make sure I posted that day or contact me because I fear something happening to me and Kodie left here starving before anyone notices.  My neighbor said if they don't see me walk by they will check on me, good that's two people will check.  That's important in our old age, esp. in these times.

Arlie loved scrambled eggs, even with his cancer I fixed him eggs every day.  He ate rice and chicken breast too and certain vegetables: green beans, wee bit of broccoli and mushrooms, carrots, celery, peas, squash or pumpkin, yams.  I cooked for him every day because of his Colitis.  He had brown rice/chicken breast/veg. if no outbreaks, white rice/chicken breast/pumpkin if he did.  We do what we do for them because we love them.  Arlie was too smart for me to hide pills in anything, I had to put them down his throat or grind them into powder to mix in his food (if vet approved).  He was real good about it, I always followed with a treat.  I had him on Milk Thistle, Probiotics, Hemp Oil.  I look back and don't know how we did it, but I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat, if only I could.

16 hours ago, widow'15 said:

Did your vet suggest cerenia - it's an appetite enhancer

I wish MY vet would have suggested that for Arlie!  I had to use bribery and probably wouldn't have been successful except he'd known a period of starvation in his life, before he came to me, and it meant his stomach always had last word, which came in handy at times, not at others.

I've had computer problems too, Gwen, some communicator thing doesn't have a driver and can't get one.  ???  What did it do with the one it had?  Did Microsoft update do something?  It's still running butt I'm sure it'll be a problem someday.  It's ten years old but I hate to lose it, it suits my purposes.  We live in such a throwaway world, people think they always need the newest, latest, and greatest.  Backing up often just in case.

Well, time to walk Kodie...

[Gwenivere]

I had replied t this in another topic and trying to copy and move it here it got lost.  It was about what Kay said....

> feel mixed emotions, both wishing George were here to go through this with and relieved he's spared...but leaning more to wishing he were here.  We could go through anything together.

*************************

no brainer for me.  I want him back so we could go thru this together like times snowed in.  Someone to talk to and pass the time.  I don’t consider it sparing him.  He would come up with things to meet the challenge like board games or renting a movie and it would feel OK to do that during the day.  We could try different dinners, etc.

I received a very harsh email from my Sunday friend about my going out every day for perspective.  I can’t do walks so I go the the grocery to buy an item on my list following sanitizing procedures in and out and distancing.   She got very upset about my being a danger to others well as myself and made valid points.  How I would be low on the triage scale for help with existing conditions and older.  No one might take my dogs if exposed.  I talked to my grief counselor and her take was to do what I needed to do to stay sane.  I lose perspective easily with my depression and the crisis with Ally earlier this week that just in the presence of other humans grounds me enough to get thru the day.  It gives me a little activity too.  

I feel like such a misfit.  She is going to call at our usual pre 'covid' meeting time to browbeat me about this.  Not sure how I’m going to handle yet another judgement, never opinions like my counselor which doesn’t make you feel like a criminal, about something I am doing.  She felt it was a personal decision and knows how I suffocate in this loneliness.

so, it you have a thought about my habit of going out, I’d love to hear it.  I don’t intend to be a danger but I don’t know how to handle the dark thoughts I get when I have been imprisoned.  I trust all of you.  Am I being a criminal as she is making me feel?  

Her stance is this is the new norm so adapt, and I have in so many ways.  Haven’t figured out how to sanitize my mail delivery.  

I really need help as I feel so selfish by her anger oozing from my screen.  She’s working from home with her partner and they go for walks with the dogs, occasional shopping when needed only for food and meds, trying new meals and generally have at least human contact tho different than their normal jobs so I guess they get cabin fever too.  She said it was starting to happen.

have I become so selfish I am a danger to others?  Guess I know the answer but don’t feel I am.  I see lots of people out there for one or two items that are non essential.  I just want to go out later and get a Sunday paper.  It’s so tough here with Ally’s extra needs and my caregiver side needs a break.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, you are not a misfit nor a criminal! I don't understand her thinking you would be a danger to others if you don't have the virus. Your dogs would surely be affected if you got sick just as they were last time. I have read both yes and no that dogs can catch this, so don't know the truth on that, but with Ally being elderly and ill, it's possible she would be hard to rehome even in the best of times. There are still people out there with compassion, I would hope.

Do you leave the house to be in the vicinity of humans or just to get away from the reminders and dark thoughts? When I gambled away my life, it was both. I couldn't stand looking at the space where Ron died. I didn't necessarily want to talk to anyone, just be in a different atmosphere. The dark thoughts will always be with me. You can't run away from yourself. I remember my mom taking various trips after my dad died. I guess that her way of trying to escape. If you are just trying to get away, there are probably multiple beautiful places you can drive to and never get out of the car. If it's a need for people, I wouldn't know exactly what to do. I would be wary.

It's a bit different for me. Although we don't interact much, the guys are always here in the house. My biggest fear for you is that you may interact with someone who is infected. I'm sorry I don't have better suggestions.

[kayc]

Your similar post is in the other thread, I responded there as I found it before this one.

[Gwenivere]

I forget to thank you for saying I did well handling Ally, Kay.  We pet parents ruse when needed like 2nd nature.  Had I had to think about it I would have been paralyzed.  She’s still doing better, BTW.  More tail wagging and moving around.  Had I had that woman’s attitude I wrote about, I would have killed my baby who is still enjoying life.  

[Margm]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

She’s working from home with her partner and they go for walks

Get a ruler, or tape measure, or something and make sure they are six feet apart.  Honestly, sometimes I think everyone in the world was endowed with the family jewels.  If this is a "friend" Gwen, please find a new one...........after we are allowed out of our houses.  All of a sudden Louisiana is at the top of the list of the virus load.  Down in these parts we cannot find HB meat, bread, and we have guards over toilet paper and towel paper.  

Is this woman one of your therapists, or is she just an acquaintance?  

I don't have to worry about them putting me away now, no one will let me enter a nursing home or medical facility, so I think I might could make up some friends and carry on lively conversations with them.  I kind of think I might be doing that soon anyhow.  

We had NY strip for dinner.  I cannot afford NY strip.  I even bought Mrs. Paul's fish sticks.  I have not eaten them since the kids were little.  People are going crazy all over the country, and I doubt anyone would notice me talking to  someone that wasn't there.  Heck, I have been talking to Billy for nearly five years now.  I know what he would say so I answer back for him.  

Hang in there people, I don't understand all this, certainly don't understand our daily talks with the president but I am much comforted after he finishes because I recognize a fellow that is just as mixed up as I am.  I'll bet he talks to himself more than he tweets. twitters, or whatever that is called.  

These are strange times.  Especially when my  word salads start making sense.

Love you Gwen.  I know your not gonna let that bully push you around.  We are actually better friends to ourselves than some other people would be.

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Had I had that woman’s attitude I wrote about, I would have killed my baby who is still enjoying life.  

Gwen:  That is why we follow our heart where our fur babies are concerned.  You did what you could do to keep Ally with you.  Your friend does not walk in your shoes.   It is such good news that Ally is improving. 

 

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

so, it you have a thought about my habit of going out, I’d love to hear it.  I don’t intend to be a danger but I don’t know how to handle the dark thoughts I get when I have been imprisoned.  I trust all of you.  Am I being a criminal as she is making me feel?

I do worry about you or anyone that goes out even to get groceries, but we have to get groceries.  I do agree with your counselor though when she felt your emotions are important too.

I have an eye injection appointment on Thursday and I will have to depend on someone to drive me.   Even though I would rather stay home away from people I know I must go to this appointment.  The next appointment could be as late as another 6 weeks.  Who knows where things will be in 6 weeks. 

None of us are being criminals.  I like a quote I saw on Facebook not too long ago, "What other people think about me is none of my business".  Try not to worry what your friend says to you, follow your heart.  Hugs, Dee