My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

You asked aren’t we alllowed any good anymore, Kay.  I’d quote it but man that would take a lot of editing!  Anyway, that is a daily question for me too.  

You have some good in Kodie.  I have that with Melody.  Ally is becoming a bigger concern every day.  She’s changing is so many ways because of her age and having gotten pneumonia.  Other damage besides her back, but not anything I feel can truly be treated at her age and my inability to transport her (bring on the guilt there).  It breaks my heart each day something she does or doesn’t do from the dog she was.  The thing she does most often is lay looking out at the back yard.  Like she is waiting.  It used to be the 3 of us in here at night but she goes into the bathroom now.  Isolating is not a good sign.  Enough of that, I’ve got to watch it happen another day.  She so rarely comes up to me to say hi.  I cried myself to sleep last night for how much I miss her overly affection tactics.

Kodie eating anything that hits the floor is SO puppy!  I used to have to be careful about that too.  Fortunately when all my kids got older they distinguished between pills, coffee beans wouldn’t appeal or anything else not smelling of food.  I remember calling the vet once because one ate a Tylenol.  Didn’t recall if it was bad for dogs or cats.  Now I know it’s cats.  Now that they are older, if it hits the floor, finders keepers.  

This virus catastrophe is the flies on the turd to me.  So many things going wrong as it is and now this anxiety on top of it and usually I absorb it from others.  I get the protocols.  I hate them being shoved in my face time and time again.  Like Ipswich said, it makes you feel like a leper.  Or when Dee was told to keep a pen as no one wanted to touch something we had.  I’m always using sanitizer when I am out and often can’t remember....did I touch something after I used it?  My keys as I get them out to get back in the car.  Now I should carry a bottle of Purell?  It’s impossibly mad times out there.  

 I watch people at home for weeks like the late night shows.  I see an advantage they have.  Their family.  People they can touch and be near.  Yes, I’m sure they get irritated at times, but can take a break and still have contact.  Even my neighbors who are roommates have company.  I’m in this house watching a dog struggle, can hardly walk and have had no contact with another human being except phone or occasional video with one therapist.  Can’t even do tasks that hav been waiting as I get worse physically.  Same old whine, I know.

I was talking to my grief counselor today and she heard the virus may come back later this year in regular flu season.  Just as savagely as it is now.  It makes sense to me after trying all the denial tricks I know that because over the summer, somewhere people be infected and as we start reopening the cities it will have ways to to travel again.  With no vaccine we really are at the (non) mercy of this bug.  I did a small grocery sanity run and took a good.look around at what things may be like (if not worse) for a very long time.  

I paid my neighbors to mow my lawn and that looks so much better.  When handing her a 20, we stretched to reach each other.  She said they were doing rather well in the lock down, but said it was because there were several of them and they have pizza nights, movie nights or plan a dinner to keep up the social contact.  I smiled and said that’s great, as it is.  The smile was for show.  Another long lonely night ahead.  

A psych nurse calls tomorrow to see how I am and my doc on Friday and I am so frustrated with my swollen feet and he won’t be able to see them again.  He has before and nothing he’s had me try worksm nor the urgent clinics in the ER. That gets to me more.  When or who can do something?  So frustrating having something wrong and absolutely no help.  I’ve been asking for over 6 months.  

As the new parting phrase of the day goes......stay safe.  Miss 'see ya later'.  Can’t recognize people in masks anyway.  ☹️ 

[kayc]

So I googled it and even a moderate amount of coffee can kill a dog so it's good I got the coffee bean away from him.  This morning he chewed on his collar again, can't count the times I've darned it, but this time he ruined the clasp, so am going to probably have to make 100 mile round trip to buy another one, I'm hoping they'll have a metal chain one.  The store's not answering so not positive they're open for people to come in.

So now we may have a meat shortage!  Just what we need, I haven't seen t-paper on the shelves in 8 weeks.  Now meat?  Don't know what I'll eat that fits in with my dietary restrictions.

I can't do this the rest of my life, I don't know that I can do it for a year.  There's nothing to look forward to, the isolation is torture.

Gwen, they won't even look at your foot?  When you press in and let go, does it leave an indentation?  Edema is dangerous, they should be doing something!

Just reached the store, they are open so I'll be making the drive...ugh.  Not what was on my agenda today!

[Gwenivere]

As always, it amazes me, Kay, how you deal with the added isolation of such a rural town.  I can’t fathom driving that far for anything I needed.  A couple miles to my pet store sometimes makes me say screw it.  You must be taking Kodie's collar off.  I do that at night with my kids.  I hope you don’t go metal, they must have some tough chew proof ones.  Metal seems so......for aggressive animals.

no TP. In your area yet?  Purell, flour and store brand peanut butter has replaced that here as paper products are back.  Do you have any Slarge chain grocers there?  I’m guessing not as you’ve talked about the long treks for supplies.  Yup, meat is going to change as in what’s available and higher prices.  I don’t have any restrictions, but I don’t buy stuff I have to cook.  Only fish as that’s easy in the oven.  I got a letter from the IRS about the stimulus check, which I already got, and now see what a small amount it is for those struggling as I watch my bills come in and added expenses because things have to become emergencies for help.  I wish I could donate some of the food I don’t make anymore.  I hate seeing it go to waste as I switch over to microwave stuff from things requiring a pot or pan.  

I was shocked when I heard this quarantine could be so long.  More and more articles are coming out about our mental health from this.  The doc that committed suicide is now speculated to have had her thinking altered by the virus.  Just got my Psychology Today mag and it’s cover is about being fac to face with people and how essential contact is.  That words are more important to what we express facially when we interact.  I notice a big difference in my counseling sessions as one I can see them, one I can’t.  Even going out and not seeing people’s mouths if they wear masks.  Hard to tell if they are smiling or not. 

Trying to figure out escapes for the day.  Might as well get gas while it ps so cheap.  Maybe stock up on some peanut butter and raisins.  I just called the store and they aren’t accepting food donations for health reasons so will have to find a place that does like a food bank.  Hope there are some by me.  At least it would be a project this worn out body could handle, I think.  

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Found out thru massively confusing emails sent hither and yon between docs and me this test ordered is the heart stress test.  I complained months ago about not being able to breathe well.  That was shortly after the pneumonia.  I called the cardiac place and sure enough it’s the one with an injection of a stimulant, then another to calm the heart down, they test both.  I told them nope.  Not gonna happen and will tell my doc when he calls today.  WAY too much stress as it is without adding a test that would terrify me and I’d never be able to get to knowing that was what was going to happen.  It’s too bad they can’t monitor me attempting to get there, it would be as effective as the med.  😱

lessee......now I have a lamp that has a touchy cord.  Thought a bulb was out til I moved it and it came on.  Think it’s happened before and I forgot.  Then I tried to trim my bangs and seem to have lost my grasp of spatial.reversal in mirrors because I couldn’t do it like hair dressers do. I kept missing with the scissors.  I finally just cut up across and called it good.  Don’t know what I’m gonna do about how long it’s getting.  If I had Steve, I could have him do it.  Heck, if I had him, I’d be a normal insane person in this virus mess.  I miss that me. I miss really laughing.  Make that laughing in general.  

Was at the store for stuff and realized I bought some baked beans with the thought WE could have a different dinner with these and I could add some more protein.  I was unpacking the bag when it hit me.  I looked at and went.....why did I buy this much?  It was totally unconscious old habit.  Haven’t had that happen before.  I was always aware of it when I saw something I’d pass on.  Or think, that’s 2 meals for me.  I found this link today......hope it still works......

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/coronavirus-trauma-how-to-cope_n_5ea6fab7c5b6ad9bacf331e1  

 

 

[KarenK]

Well, color me stupid for sure. Although I'm way more careful with money than I was back in my gambling days, I still use a couple of credit cards each month to buy things that are out of the budget like dog meds and a few beads(to give me something to do). I never peruse the statements for charges assuming I know what's been charged. I'm more interested in the payment. WRONG! I never could figure out why I had free Amazon Prime on this Kindle and decided it was a freebie with the purchase. I found out that Amazon Prime could be linked to my Cox cable account so I could watch the movies on my tv. I decided to link the accounts. Per instruction, I signed into my Amazon account and up pops this message saying my account would renew on May 24. WHOA! I looked into my account memberships and lo and behold, they have charged my credit card on file  $14.04 each month since January. I NEVER NOTICED! It seems that a free month of Amazon Prime comes with a Kindle purchase and if you don't cancel, they just charge the credit card on file. I cancelled it. Pretty dang expensive for the 2 movies I watched on the Kindle. Live and learn, I guess.

[kayc]

Can you believe I went all the way in, stopped at Joann's Fabrics for elastic (they laughed at me), stood outside Costco in a line that went almost full length of the building (still no t-paper), got some groceries and was halfway home before I realized I forgot the main purpose of my trip: to buy a collar! So have to go back today. I must be getting old!   Did get a pack of t-paper at Winco, the scratchy stuff.

Yes I need to get a chain collar, I have his collar on snugly but he still manages to get it in his mouth and chew it.  Can't have him doing that anymore.  He could have ran off yesterday, that scares me, I'm lucky he came to me when I called him.  He doesn't chew at night, he does it during the day when he's playing with his toys.  It won't be anything aggressive, just chew proof.

Gwen, we have "The Mission" for homeless people to stay at, they are always accepting food donations.  Do you have any place like that?

I've heard so many different things about when things will open back up and how long it could take the economy to rebound, I try not to pay a lot of heed to it as I can't change what happens and it's all a bit much for me to think about, I just try to get through today.  Stuck in the old "one day at a time" mode.  It's all I know to do.  

My daughter called last night, we talked 1 1/2 hours, the divorce isn't final because the court hasn't been processing anything.  Don is pressuring her to leave even though if it weren't for her they wouldn't even have the apt.  She's going to get on the apt's waiting list.  He's saying now he wants the cat she got.  She's pretty upset by that, doesn't want to split up the two cats and also doesn't want to interrupt their home.  He's the one who wants out, why can't HE just leave!  I'm so mad, I can't even think about forgiving him, I'd like to pummel him but it'd be wasted effort.  He's changed so much I don't recognize this person as the one she married.  20 years down the drain.  Anyone who could leave their wife after they lost their baby is a no count to me.  I think he wants to hang onto the place to make HER do all the work and HE'D end up with their deposits!  I need to text her about that, it may not have occurred to her yet.

Good article, Gwen.  I liked this:

Recognizing that all of us working together to practice social distancing is helping us save lives can turn feelings of isolation into a sense of purpose.

Breathing exercises is also a good idea.  I'm amazed my panic attacks haven't returned, I haven't commit suicide either, that's a plus.  Just trying to survive day by day.  I can't bear to look at how long this will last or IF things will ever be normal again.  You'd think I'd be used to this, having my world turned upside down with grief/loss.  Now here it is, happening to all of us again.

Wishing I'd kept the legumes I got rid of (too high in carbs) as at least they're high in protein if it does materialize meat gets in short supply.  I hope I can still get some.  Fish will be available but I'm allergic to it.

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

It seems that a free month of Amazon Prime comes with a Kindle purchase and if you don't cancel, they just charge the credit card on file.

Gosh, I don't remember them doing that when I bought mine but that was the end of 2014, I probably just forgot.  They get ya every chance they can!

 

 

 

 

[Kieron]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Just got my Psychology Today mag and it’s cover is about being fac to face with people and how essential contact is.  That words are more important to what we express facially when we interact.

I can personally attest to this.  Normally in my work we see clients face to face, but we have been doing "telehealth" like most providers nowadays of medical, mental and even dental health (which astonishes me.   Just amazing how things have pivoted to such ways of doing "care").  But phone or video chat is not the same.  it's exhausting, because doing this all over the phone requires enormous concentration.  Normally, you get breaks in a natural face to face chat.  The natural pauses in conversation, the break in focus as people adjust their position or posture or walking around, etc, all that is missing.  And you miss context clues that tell you how the person is reacting.  As for video chat, well that isn't effective either, because if it's a group chat, someone will be talking for a bit, and someone else makes a natural responses such as "Yep," or "I know, right?" or some such, which causes the video to switch to that person who just said that thing in agreement/support, which then breaks the concentration you need to focus on the main speaker.  Argh!!!

Not to mention, we're social beings.  We NEED to be around others.  The very term "social distancing" is so Orwellian and so ironic that it makes me want to smack whoever came up with it.  Up is down, black is white. Shades of 1984.

😵

 

Plus I just realized the local grief group is again cancelled for tomorrow, the first Saturday of the month.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t like the phrase social distancing.  I prefer physical distancing.  The last thing we need is more social disconnection.  You are so very right, Kieron.  Video is OK, but it does keep a wall between people for the subtle non verbal cues.  I have a phone chat with my doc in a bit and wonder what good it will do for much of what I want to address as he can’t see me and if he could, he can’t examine my body.  All this disconnected doctor stuff is making me wonder if I can handle face to face anymore.  It seems alien and anxiety inducing.  I have my disorder to help with that.  I need to have things consistent or anxiety replaces it.  All I know is this pandemic is going to change so many things and escalating depression for me dramatically.  Others seem to be handling it better.  Then that leads to more depression. Having my back issues and watching my elder dog struggle are hard for the at home time.  I don’t know anyone else in the real world who is alone so no one to connect there except contacts from here.  Thank gawd for here.  I get so many suggestions from people not alone it drives me crazy.  They just don’t get it wih having their partners to face this with.  I had one person tell me I wasn’t desperate enough or I would get a roommate.  Really?  A stranger wandering in and out or here 24/7 with their own routine?  That was for my youth, not after over 30 years of marriage and common interaction from knowing each other so well. Snail mail is fun too.  Today it was info to get started on prepping  for Medicare.  How uplifting.

[widow'15]

23 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I had one person tell me I wasn’t desperate enough or I would get a roommate.  Really?  A stranger wandering in and out or here 24/7 with their own routine?

Gwen:  Interesting comment to get a roommate.  I have often thought if my daughter lost her husband, (heaven forbid), she would probably end up living with me.   And, the good Lord knows I love her dearly, but there would be no way we could ever be roommates.  We are too much alike.   Like you, in my younger days, I had roommates, but after living as long as I have and definitely stubborn in my ways, doubt anyone could adjust to being my roommate.   Dee

[KarenK]

Arizona is partially reopening on May 4 with non essential retailers providing products by pickup or delivery which is no different than what they've been doing all along. Can't figure that one out. The following week, restaurants can reopen for dining in. No mention yet for services like salons or medical or for jobs in general, except "stay at home order" extended until May 15. Personally, I'd rather be getting a haircut than dining in. Some places in Wickenburg(40 miles E of Phoenix) have had enough and are opening now defying the "order" which is not a law despite threats of legal action. Will be interesting to see the outcome.

[Gwenivere]

Our governor in Washington just extended the stay at home til June.  2 protests happened immediately.  He has a 4 tier phase system.  Next week we get to try phase 2.  Still means stay at home, but can go to parks except using the kids area and added a few businesses that could open like car washes.  Never understood why those were shut, the drive thrus.  Some counties are going further with experiments on openings so all eyes are in them.  I picked up some drive thru Mexican fast food today and they passes the bag to me on a tray.  I had it mute the TV after the weather because of covid overload.   

Here's the link again about how this is mentally affecting people if you missed it.......

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/coronavirus-trauma-how-to-cope_n_5ea6fab7c5b6ad9bacf331e1  

 

Kay, I looked up Oakridge on Google and the satellite pic.  Looks quite small.  All the shopping listed with big chains was in Eugene.  Is that where you go?

 

Karen, Amazon is sneaky with prime.  I’ve used it a few times and had to write myself a note to cancel it in a month.  Used to share the fee with 3 other people so it was OK.  But by myself I wait til I need a few things and use their free shipping which means a long wait.  Now that employees are striking its gonna get worse.

 

 

[kayc]

It's been nine days no changes in my county.  Don't know when they'll open up salons but that's what I want...a haircut!  I miss going to church the most but also am more afraid of getting something there than anyplace except maybe the grocery store.  The grocery stores are only open because we NEED food, not because they're safe.  I think we all know that and it must be scary working for one.  Same with gas stations...they're wearing mask and gloves and staying back as much as they can.  

We mostly go to Springfield...Eugene/Springfield are call the twin cities, they are side by side and run into each other.  I prefer Springfield, as the cops in Eugene are out to get you, seriously, I've had them ticket me, lying all the way.  Also more traffic in Eugene.  But Eugene is where my daughter lives.  Home of the Slug Queen, it's very liberal, Springfield is more conservative...that coming from a Democrat, haha!  If I had to live down there, it'd be Springfield probably.  That's where my doctor, grocery store, Wal-Mart is, one of my banks.  Eugene and Springfield have the same stores mostly.  Springfield is a little closer.  I got used to it when I was working on the NW side, 50 miles from here.  I grew up in Eugene, south side, my family were pioneers in the area, my great grandfather founded Veneta, which was named after my grandmother's little sister.  Hunter Rd was named after him, home of the Country Fair, which most have heard of, people come from all over the nation for that.  My grandfather probably would have rolled over in his grave if he saw it today!  Naked people sprayed with paint, smoking pot, hippies, etc.  Very different from his time.  He had 100 acres in the Santa Clara suburb  of Eugene, passed onto his children, lost in the depression.  Sad.  I've lived in Santa Clara too, five years.  So although I have close roots in Eugene, it's changed from when I was a kid, we could go all over the city on our bicycles, no crime to worry about, blue skies.  Now smog and crime, lock your doors.  But that's everywhere...excepting where I live.  We're above the clouds, neighbors look out for each other, everyone owns guns, we're not afraid to use them if need be...people know that, keeps the crime rate down, ha!

Hard time for people to be striking Amazon, I think they know that, but gosh it's going to be hard on the country when some people like my sister Polly can't get out!  She just went to the post office, first time out in two months, that after I sent her and her husband N95 masks, I sent her my spares, can't get any more.

[Gwenivere]

It’s so hard taking sides when things like the Amazon strike happens.  I really can’t.  I know they are the go to place for many things now and it annoys me how long the delivery times are even with extra drivers.  Yet, I understand if workers don’t feel safe, they have the right to demand that or get out of harms way.  We never know the inside story fully either.  Is it as safe as it can be or did a few overly paranoid employees ramp up others?  I never take headlines at face value.  I think about details like why, if anyone, Amazon (or any large company now shipping more) would jeopardize anything/one to keep business going?  But then, we hear about unsafe working conditions at many places.  I have way too much time on my hands it seems.

was reading (very quickly as it was too sad) how pig farms are having to destroy perfectly good animals because of packing plants closing or cutting back.  The interesting part was the farmers were having a more emotional reaction to it as they never had to  deal with that part.  It’s a sense of denial, but I get it.  Sorry for sharing this, but Steve isn’t here.  

[kayc]

Nope, no sides...just unfortunate that that's one more thing to deal with right now.

Yes I read about that on the news too (pig farms), it's really horrible.  It's one thing to grow an animal for food, quite another to have them go to complete waste.  I can't imagine.

[Kieron]

One of the sensations that has come to me lately is similar to a sensation I had in the months after Mark died... what is there to look forward to?  Despite it being a nice day (although windy), I took a late afternoon nap, not even sure how long.  When I woke up, I thought of how much has changed here, especially being alone in this house, and just had this helpless feeling of having been left behind.  Probably it was sleep-related but dang it, it was pretty overwhelming for a time.  😟

[Gwenivere]

I don’t even have to go to sleep for that feeling, Kieron.  But I understand when we are in that awakening state we are more vulnerable to those sensations.  Being in this most abnormal quarantine I have been feeling a real loss of purpose.  Being cut off from the few things that kept me loosely tied to the world are shut down.  I have always assumed that if Steve were here, this isolation would be easier.  I think it would, but was reading about couples that are feeling stress with each other as the weeks pass.  I’d like to at least try it with him.  If only.  One thing I do know is it’s getting harder to find things to do to take my mind off the loneliness and loss of purpose.  I’m getting better about buying some things just because they are on sale.  I miss him being here to kid me about my acting like sales will never come around again.  I really do check stock in some things now before going Shopping.  I’m embarrassed to reveal how many jars of peanut butter or loaves of bread I have.  Yup, it’s that bad!  

Being left behind?  I feel that every moment of the day.  I don’t think i will ever lose that feeling.  I’m still where we were holding down the fort.   I often wonder where or if his path continues.

[Kieron]

Well, I think the left behind sensation only just came into clearer focus, for me.  It's likely been there all along, just not labeled as such.  I think it is worsened enough that I can give it a name, now that everyone is being encouraged to wear masks in public.  Those things just distort people's speech, making it harder to communicate, and they hide smiles or grins, or other clues.  I get that masks are meant to prevent spread if one is asymptomatic, but it's just one more way to cut one another off.  The only upside is that it may cause us to look one another in the eye, now, instead of avoiding direct gazes like we do in a big city like I am in. 

[kayc]

I just heard that our governor lengthened her extension to 7/31...that's three months away!  Back to looking at just today, can't handle looking at three months or the rest of my life.  This is all like it's out of 1984 (Orson Welles) big brother is not just watching but controlling us and this has just begun.  Elsewhere they are actually monitoring people, tracking their movements.  It's here and now they have their reason.  Scary.  I want our freedoms back, I'll take my chances...not today, but I can't do this the rest of my life.  We can't let this change our country to that degree.

I make a point of looking at people to get their eye lock and then smile big, it causes my cheeks to bulge so they can see that I am smiling even behind the mask.  We need that much.

[KarenK]

Little by little, our country's morale is being destroyed. Soon we will be past the "peaceful" protests. Officials won't have to worry about virus death statistics. We'll be killing each other.

[scba]

This is all very sad. I see what's going on in other countries and it's sad.

Some relatives of mine are seeing each other, some compounds are letting/looking the other way/ people to gather for lunch or dinner. I'm trapped in an apartment feeling like a stupid. Since the city council allowed going out with a mask, people just went out. Wearing a mask is not enough and only if used correctly. Which I wonder....

This isolation won't last any longer. The equation health vs economy won't hold too long. Anywhere. You may think who is gonna buy clothes next month? In Bangladesh, people are back to textile factories (together with Turkey, they are major suppliers of clothes for Western low cost and luxury brands).

People in Berlin were saying: we are gonna die one way or another. 

Well....

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

Little by little, our country's morale is being destroyed. Soon we will be past the "peaceful" protests. Officials won't have to worry about virus death statistics. We'll be killing each other.

I don’t know if it will come to that, Karen. But I do wonder if life will ever be the same for us after this.  I know that is my biggest worry as I was adapting to life as a widow and now this.  Most all others just want to get back to familiar routines like work and missed established socializing.  They want their lives back as they knew them.  We do too, but we have the added wrinkle that a huge part is missing and that won’t change if this pandemic disappeared tomorrow.  But I do see as much hostility starting as well as increased kindness.  The hostility is very disrurbing.  I feel it aimed at me at times just for existing and viewed as a threat.  It’s very heartbreaking to feel.  Hard because I am used to reaching out to people with kindness.  I worry the protests will escalate and drag this out longer because some people have lost perspective.  Yes, we are having to compromise our rights.  But this is life an death for many and some are not seeing the big picture.

[Gwenivere]

Saw this on SNL and as she matures, I’ve grown to like Miley Cyrus.  It brought tears to my eyes as the meaning of the song has turned from something I was familiar with and liked to a whole nuther level.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zUYo8xQf4PY

 

[Gwenivere]

Sanity keeps being tested.  So tired of the redundency of the days.  Trying to find things I can do with minimal pain.  So tired of being alone and hearing 'we'll all get thru this together'.  I often wonder if I will be able to ever go out as normal again, even IF things are normal.   When you’re by yourself it’s hard to think of things to do to break the monotony.  I know some people that go with the flow.  Wish that was a part of my personalityagain. I think of times in my past I took afternoon naps, but that was so long ago.  I really want to be careful being so depressed not to possibly get trapped in things I might I might find too seductive escapes that don’t really help fight it.  Yesterday was going and getting more pain meds for Ally as I watch her struggle with age.  Seem to always have a tension headache.  Went to the grocers to walk around and found more food I promised myself not to buy.  I did put much back.  I had gotten a message from a friend whose dog has been diagnosed with cancer.  Tried getting info on my home alarm monitors for continued coverage that they want to do in email.  The sales guy was giving me a hard sell talk and I told him he didn’t need it, just cover me.  

I keep promising tomorrow I’ll do better in my attitude.  Then a few hours after I get up I hit the witching hour that I have to get out of here.   The first thing I think of is covid every frigging day.  Then surgery they say will stop my pain.  Then it’s see if Ally is OK, get dressed and see there will be little to do and every thing I do find will hurt.  Of course then there is Steve missing.  

I’m sick of dragging an oxygen tube around that gets snagged or the dogs rip off.  Having to make sure the portable tanks are working in the car.  Sitting here like right now at 2am dreading going to bed to have to repeat this.  I do have a televisit with my therapist today but have so little to say that has changed  since last week. Yet I hate when  it ends.  

Jimmy Kimel put up an email address to write him because he is so desperate for human contact.  And he’s at home with his family broadcasting a show every night!   What does that say about us that are really alone?

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

'we'll all get thru this together'

I don't know about the rest of you, I understand the sentiment but it irks me when I hear this because last I looked there was just me getting through this alone, no husband, no family, no friends around, just me, alone.  People who are surrounded by their family think they have it so hard because they "have to be together" but have no clue what it's like to be ALWAYS ALONE!

And I feel guilty even saying this because you have it so much harder, Gwen, with all you are dealing with on top of being alone.  I thank God for my Kodie.  If my son hadn't brought him...I shudder to think.

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I keep promising tomorrow I’ll do better in my attitude.

Gwen:  My exact feelings every night when I force myself into bed.  "Tomorrow I will do better", I say.  Tomorrow comes and I sometimes do less than I did the day before.  I envy those in my neighborhood that are outside walking their dogs or walking with their husbands and children.  My neighborhood since Bob died has changed so quickly; houses have sold, new faces or cars I don't recognize.

Sorry to read your friend's dog has cancer.  I feel your sadness cause I know how much you love animals.  I hope your televisit today with your therapist will be satisfactory. 

This has been a tough week for me.  May 2nd would have been my husband's birthday and I could barely stop the tears the whole day.  It was a good thing no one called, cause I would have been unable to have a sensible conversation.  Hoping the NW weather will continue to be sunnier and warmer than the past week and help to convince me to get outside and have a Better Day.  Hoping for you to have a "Better Day", too.  Hugs, Dee