My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, I'm sorry housecleaning hasn't showed up.  Dog fur is all that holds my carpet together.  Seems to me they wouldn't need to do a drug induced stress test for you, your life is already stress, they ought to be able to check you out w/o any further ado!

 Good chuckle there, Kay.  I pushed myself today and brushed Ally for about half an hour.  I know getting rid of some fur helps, bu not sure it loosened more to 'weave' my carpeting.  Just felt good to make an attempt and she tolerates that better than my picking at obvious clumps.  Then, if courses, Mel had to have her time which was maybe a couple minutes.  

Had a very bad day with the breathing.  As soon as I got up I started feeling very odd.  Anytime I stood all day I felt like I was going to pass out.  Called the pulmonologist and his nurse said it could be blood pressure drops, didn’t think it was a side effect of the antibiotics but said stop taking them anyway.  That it was more likely hyperventilating from anxiety even if I wasn’t conscious of thinking of all the stress when I got up, but it started the cycle.  All I know is I’m definitely more scared today than ever with this.  I did go for a drive to drop stuff at the PO bos drive thru andhad to go to the drug store from that fall I took Sunday fir more big bandaids and antibiotic cream.  

I wrote the lung doc that I wouldn’t take an stimulants for a stress test.  Whenever the cardiologist could see me they will have to come up with something else.  Seems to me just walking would be sufficient as when I do my heart reacts under the stress of it.  So, nontelling about that and unless I start actually passing out (oh yay, possible falls which no one wants) I just hope this eases up.  I’m getting so unconditioned tho muscularly.   

So now we know, you can make chocolate cake from brownie mix.  Our resident experimentor proved it.  Good going Karen!  Now I’m having a craving for icing.  Used to buy the tubs of it when I moved out of home and could 'play' with my food.  Used to drive my mom nuts buying a dozen chocolate or lemon chip cookies and only eat the chips and leave a pile of dough.  Now it’s crackers and potato chips.  Bad for salt, but I prefer that.  I did find a Xmas chocolate caramel Santa last night and that was a treat.  Hoping getting off these AB's will let me enjoy food again.  

Got a notice today and the government stimulus check had been deposited.  Not nearly enough to cover my property taxes so I’m going to take advantage of Washington states extension to June from April to pay and enjoy a higher checking account for awhile.  Maybe stimulate Amazon for something.  

[KarenK]

Was wondering if anybody had gotten their stimulus check yet. I tried the website that's been set up to check the status, but it tells me they don't have enough info on me to determine status. Not sure what they want. They have my SSN and banking info and should have the unnecessary return I sent in. Will check it again for a few days and try to figure out what else to do.

Do you see the heart doctor or pulmonologist soon? I would sure hate for you to pass out while they drag their feet.

[Gwenivere]

Is your home owned or mortgaged, Karen?  Seems I heard something about that.  Also, direct deposit will come faster than those that filed thru the mail that didn’t file online.

have no idea when/if I see a cardiologist.  Have a phone visit with my PCP late this month and the pulmonologist in May sometime, by phone also.  I talked with them yesterday and had noticed when I took a drive I felt better on the oxygen in my car.   Don’t know why I thought of it, but tested the output of my oxygen and it was hardly anything.  Forced a tech to come out replacing some tubing I can feel lots more flow. He checked the generator and it was working fine.  He suspects it had a leak.  Very possible as it is stepped on and snagged often.  I sure hope that helps.  Will find out overnight.  I had slept without for many nights with little oxygen and tried to function all day on it.  Maybe I wouldn’t have needed the ER if this was the problem.  I could use something to go 'right'.  

[KarenK]

House is mortgaged. Has been paid off a couple of times over the years, but right before Ron was diagnosed with cancer, we borrowed a large amount against it. Bad idea, but who knew.

I mentioned the oxygen flow to you a few days ago, but you must have missed it. I'm glad you caught it and hopefully this will help you.

[kayc]

I got my stimulus, transferred it into my daughter's account as her louse of a husband will get hers and his both into his account and not share it.  Talked with her bestie yesterday and she said she's always working, so that's good, I was worried about how many jobs she's lost (housecleaning) as a couple of people dropped it when this first started.

From what I understand the stimulus is borrowed from our taxes next year, not sure how that'll work.  They haven't been up front with us about if we'll have to pay it back, they said we won't get taxed on it but it's like borrowing from a tax credit.  ???  Wonder why they can't just tell us how it'll work?

Gwen, glad you got the tube replaced, maybe it'll help you feel better.  Tell your doctor what I said, you have enough stress for their stress test.  Yeah I meant it joking but part of me is serious too.

Karen, I'm in the same boat, when my job ended in 2002 we took out a credit line on my previously paid off home, George wasn't good with $, used it too much, and between that and his hospital/doctor/ambulance bills, we  owed $72,000 against it when he died.  Then I got hit for $57,000 from John's using my credit and not paying for it.  And the place wasn't worth that much!  Have it whittled down to $68,000 now, still have 12 years to go...was hoping to use my IRA to pay it off in 8 years but now that's been slashed with the economy.  Every time Trump sneezes it affects the stock market.  What's really hard is when someone around the world who has nothing to do with us affects it.  No control over the stock market.  So we'll see.  I just pray I last as long as I need to to get this place paid off and I can take care of it as long as I'm here.  I have a great guy down the street that cleans my roof, gutters, seals my chimney, starts my burn piles, mows/weedwhacks my lawn, cuts any dead trees, brings me firewood, don't know what I'd do w/o him and he's reasonable about his charges.

I've heard other people are having problems getting the IRS site to work.  It'll probably work about the time everyone's gotten their check.

[KarenK]

For someone fairly intelligent, I don't have too much common sense about money. I proved that when I used to gamble. We had refinanced for a lower rate and borrowed extra to consolidate debts to the tune of $200,000. We were okay with the payments when there were two of us. When he died, I was struggling  and still trying to supplement both my kids incomes. I sold the cabin, paid off some debts, was giving the kids even more money, and wasted the rest. That's all on me. It took me a year to refinance again for lower payments. In reality, all they did was turn a 30 yr. mortgage into a 40 yr. one. My payments are still almost half of my SS. I will be dead long before it's paid off. I only hope as executor that Robert can sell it and get a little money after paying off my remaining debts. If not, he and David will be up a creek.

If you pay no taxes and don't normally file a return, Turbo Tax will prepare your return, but won't file it electronically so I had to mail it in, so that may be the holdup. But, there's nothing to process and they have all my info from my SS deposit. Their phone lines are shut down for now, so can't even ask what the problem is.

[Gwenivere]

The stimulus money mess is just that.  Even the bailouts for the airlines are going to pay employees, not to necessarily save the company.  Now people are clamoring for refunds, which I don’t blame them, for cancelled flights.  Airlines are making it hard when people really need that money back. 

Karen and Kay, sounds like a mess on the mortgage situations.  We were fortunate having paid this place off a long time go when the stock market was doing great.  I think we did because you couldn’t write it off your taxes anymore.  I feel so bad for you as I have no one to leave anything to.  I did some checking and they do not have to be paid back or aren’t an advance on 2020 income tax returns.  One less worry for you all I hope. 

I noticed when I was driving yesterday that I have never seen so many people walking dogs.  Makes sense to get out of the house safely.  It just seems the drop of car traffic has been replaced with foot traffic now.  And they have to dodge each other.  Lots of joggers and cyclists too.  The couples taking walks are what drags me down.  

The new tubing is working much better.  I don’t feel like I’m going to pass out when I stand.  I still feel I can’t breathe sufficiently tho.  So I’m still scared.  Have to let the doc know.  Hope they don’t say make a cup of tea and breathe slowly again.  I made the mistake of looking at headlines this morning.  This lock down is not a bad dream.  Just got calls from my insurance nurse and psych nurse, same old crap.  They just don’t get that I’m so overwhelmed that thier suggestions are monumental when you feel so down you cat see up.  The suggestions make sense if you have the energy.  All I want is to take a shower and curl up and cry for a much needed pressure release.  

I’m supposed to call the cardiologist in hopes he wil see me in person.  I guess if I can rule out my heart it will help.  But no stimulants.  As always I want Steve.  Someone I can touch.  Someone to hold onto.  Someone to hold me without fear I am a physical threat.  

 

[Johnny]

Gwenivere said - I noticed when I was driving yesterday that I have never seen so many people walking dogs.

I noticed it immediately when I arrived in Seattle. Lots of dog walkers and runners out in all sorts of weather!

Steep hills! Every day is leg day. 🙂 

Chalk one up for Seattle! Very nice.

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I got my stimulus, transferred it into my daughter's account as her louse of a husband will get hers and his both into his account and not share it.  

Gwen, glad you got the tube replaced, maybe it'll help you feel better.  Tell your doctor what I said, you have enough stress for their stress test.  Yeah I meant it joking but part of me is serious too.

 Ya know, when I hear about separate accounts I always wonder why.  Is it a trust or control issue?  Even before Steve and legally tied the know we shared a bank account living together.  How can a husband not share money sent to them both ethically?  I don’t get it.  I know India couple that do that and the reason being one spend money without thinking of other expenses.  This forces her to as she has to anty up when bills come due.  But they surely will split the stimulus check.

i made the call to the cardiologist and they need a referral from my doc.  I’m not a fan if appointments as it is but while I don’t feel like I’m going to pass out as much, I’m still scared of what is happening.  Plus now that this is happening, I have to lug oxygen with me when I used to not have to.  

We had a 70 degree day here.  Another close tomorrow and then back into the low 60’s next week with clouds and possible rain.  They’re predicting a hot summer so I’ll need help setting up the portable AC come that time.  Kicking myself for not having a window unit put in last year when I was not so compromised.  

Got thru a shower and rebandaged my scraped off skin from my fall, this time with some antibiotic cream.  It’s so sore and bleeds taking off the huge bandaid.  Just hoping it isn’t infected as getting care is impossible and I wish I would have remembered when I was in the ER so they could have cleaned it.  Still going crazy in this isolation.  I was surprised the drug store took back the cream I bought forgetting I had some and the pet store won’t take anything back as I grabbed some treats.  Disappointed they quit carrying the vitamins I always bought.  Gonna have to make a trek to the competition which is a long way away for close parking.  The one by me is a parking garage and I hate those on general principle.  You don’t get wet in winter and it’s shelter from the sun in summer, but the echo and concrete creep me out.  Bad things happen in them in movies too.  😱

[kayc]

thanks for the clarification, Gwen.  I found answers here https://money.com/stimulus-check-advance-tax-refund/ but my daughter still will be out her stimulus check because she doesn't have access to Don's account where the tax refunds always went.  She never should have allowed that to get started but they didn't keep a joint account.  Who knew he'd keep it all!

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

All I want is to take a shower and curl up and cry for a much needed pressure release.

Maybe you can do that.  And I'm hoping they do rule out your heart, at least it'd give that much peace of mind.  Or they can fix what's wrong, but either way, wishing you some peace.

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

How can a husband not share money sent to them both ethically?

Ethically they can't.  Legally he should share, they'll both be responsible for claiming it as income next year but she may be able to file an exemption due to his finagling.

Yeah, not looking forward to summer heat.  It could stay like this all year and I'd be happy (around 70).  It 's kind of nice walking the dogs...yesterday a neighbor was walking his dogs, we kept across the street from each other but talked on our way.  He said his wife is depressed, he can't get her out for a walk.  I think I'll call her today, she's a really nice person, I understand how hard this is.  And she has her husband to go through it with!

Gwen, I've always had a phobia about parking garages.  My dermatologist is university district and has a parking garage, I drive up to the top to park where it's open air, I hate even driving in it, I feel claustrophobic.

[Gwenivere]

I’m really freaked out today.  My leg giving out yesterday twice in public and feeling very unbalanced has me very worried.  It was bad enough that pain made things tough, but feeling my balance off is pushing it.  I want to grab a paper today as I read parts and use others for lining the bird cage and am freaking myself out with walks down the hall to tend to dog duties.  My video chat was cancelled today as the gal is having plumbing emergencies.  This leaves me stuck in my head and that is a very bad thing.  My vision is blurred and I feel idizzy, probably from the anxiety over all this.  I get tremors and clumsy.  Gawd, I’m so beaten down with these daily physical fights.  I just want to be going insane from grief, how others are being frustrated staying home so much and lonely.  And yet I can’t cry alone.  Another frustration.  

[Kieron]

This is indeed wearing us down... 🙁

Gwen, when I read about your video chat getting canceled, I immediately thought, wouldn't it be great to have a video chat for this group?  It would sure erase the isolation in short order!  I'm kind of camera-shy but even I would go for it about now.  😁

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m really freaked out today.  My leg giving out yesterday twice in public and feeling very unbalanced has me very worried.  It was bad enough that pain made things tough, but feeling my balance off is pushing it.

Gwen: Please keep your cane nearby.  It sounds like you can't depend on your balance at this point.  So sorry more is added to your discomfort.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

A video chat would be cool with everyone.  Don’t know if screens could handle all the people.  

I stil haven't mastered a cane.  It’s for lack of trying.  Stubborn and will catch up to me.

Arg, have the TV on for noise and so many commercials about contactless delivery or pick up.  This is getting drilled into us over and over again.  I stopped by a gals house to drop off some M&M's as she had massive plumbing problems and was stressed out.  She was wearing a mask in her own home.  The plumber was long gone.  Guess she was worried that it could survive in air for hours but so weird to see.  Tho they don’t protect you.  Only others from you. I stopped by the church by me and got some food.  Someone asked me if I feel bad about doing that.  Nope, as I send them donations now to keep the program going every Sunday and I so need a night I don’t have to do anything but heat stuff up that isn’t fast food or freezer meal.  Hot dog tonight and it smells great.  Side of Doritos and I’m set.  

Came home and immediately started with a runny nose and congestion.  Soooooo much dog hair.  This place hasn’t been thoroughly vacuumed in months.  My feeble attempt was a couple of weeks ago.  Weather is shifting to not pleasant to sit outside to brush Ally.  Wouldn’t help what’s in here already.  I have to call the oxygen company to have someone attach the humidifier as this dry air is uncomfortable.  I’ve tried several times and can’t get the cup screwed on.  Plus I have to take off the oxygen to do it.  I broke down and dusted my coffee and end tables last night.  Couldn’t stand seeing drool drops from the kids reflected in the lights.  

There was a protest Sunday about the stay at home restrictions here.  People are hitting a breaking point.  I passed it weeks ago.  This could get ugly, I would not be surprised.  I’ve never felt so lonely and think about Steve all the time.  Crave him.  

Anyone else finding getting up I the morning.harder as the days pass?  

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I stopped by a gals house to drop off some M&M's as she had massive plumbing problems and was stressed out.

Gwen, that is so sweet of you!  Your kindness probably meant the world to her.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Someone asked me if I feel bad about doing that.

I think it was rude of them to ask, esp. with your medical conditions, you could use a break!  People!  And I'm glad for your answer.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There was a protest Sunday about the stay at home restrictions here.

I saw that on the news.  People need to see a light at the end of the tunnel and that's the bad part about this, we don't even see the light because no one knows how long it'll last.  Or IF our world will ever be like it was before.  Will we ever feel free to go to church or a friend's house and hug people?  Or has it made our existence from here on out...alone, solitary.

[Gwenivere]

I spent today in frustration.  I had to wait around for a tech in a 2-5pm window.  Of course he showed up just after 5.  Made for sitting on the couch all afternoon fielding phone calls about this supposed back surgery. They want all kinds of tests and assessments due to my age and health.  The sitting makes my back worse.  I did a quick trip to Petco for dog supplies.  That is when.i really felt the inactivity of the day and time on a subject that gets me all twisted inside.  A day I again wondered why I got up.  Got dressed only to go back to comfort clothes a few hours later. Saw there was nowhere to really go to provide contact with others.  Another day in this forced isolation.  Tried reading the latest AARP magazine but it was all about long standing celebrity marriages.  Was going to call someone from here but I got too depressed.  Can’t find anything on TV worth staring at.  I watch the late night shows being home with families.  Makes me wonder  how long people can take this.  

I agree, Kay.  Will we be able to go back to life as we knew it?   Will life even be the same after this for us that are alone?  

I was watching an episode of The Blacklist and Raymond asked someone if they thought about flying.  I’m not sure how this relates to all of this, but it struck me.  He said chosen was feeling free, exciting, gaining a power that felt so good.  Forced created fear, anxiety and panic.  Chosen was life, forced was death.  Of course at the end of the show you saw the body of the guy he threw off his plane.  I guess it just reinforced this prison we’re all in.  No escaping even if we do go out.  I know there are so many desperate to get back to their lives.  Wish I was one.  This is as good as it gets for me, virus or not.  But then I have that fun option of surgery to make me really locked up with no driving and needing strangers to dress and bathe me for months and lots of painful PT.  I also found out I wouldn’t b able to bend down to reach the floor.  I’m afraid pick up sticks won’t worknfor dog bowls, packages I order and tiny pills.  Yet, I am told to stay optimistic.  This from people that can breathe and walk without assistance.  Babble off.  Time to kill more time to go to sleep and do this all over again another day.

❤️ To you All!

[kayc]

Wow, Gwen.  I read your day and it makes me feel grateful for what I have...but so sorry for your current existence.  I only hope and pray that the surgery would eventually bring improvements in your life, added abilities, even though the interim would be harder for a long while.  Been there with my sister.  It took about a year, she still isn't back to where she once was, but a lot of that is due to inactivity and smoking.  I've got my BIL taking her to the rest area a block away from their house so she can walk with her walker.  The adjacent park is closed.  Now I'm worried about HIS health.  Should know more in a month.  They're seeing what effect the changes they've made are having with his numbers and kidneys.  Otherwise it may be dialysis for life, I'm sure he won't like that.  He fears death.  I'm not sure what he believes about afterlife, he won't talk about it.  He's always been a gruff sort and he can't make us madder than a wet hen at times, but I love him more than I can say.  I'd wanted to throw a "50th Anniversary" Open House for him at his fishing store June 1 but things won't likely be opened back up by then.  My new dermatologist pushed my April appt. back to May, now to June, been waiting since February to have a spot checked.  Was supposed to see the dentist next month but now have to wait until September.  None of us knows where this will all end.  Will we escape it?

[KarenK]

Now, this seems a little crazy. I thought doctors were only doing video chats, or not seeing patients unless it is a real necessity. My doctor always renews my expired scripts when the pharmacy requests. Now, all of a sudden, I have to have an office visit which is tomorrow. Not exactly someplace I want to go.

My dentist appt. Is Thurs. My broken tooth and missing filling are considered emergencies, so no problem getting in.

I also have Sears repair coming out Thurs. to replace the thermal switch. It has shut off the water heater at least 7 times in the last month. Enough is enough!

Not exactly the breaks in the monotony I was hoping for.

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Not exactly the breaks in the monotony I was hoping for.

No KarenK this is not what anyone would hope for.  Since troubles are supposed to come in "3's" maybe this will be the limit for you for a long while.  I sure hope so.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I guess it depends on the RX, Karen.  Some of mine last a year, others only 6 months and they want to actually see me.  I have stuff going on I wish they could see like edema.  It’s the controlled substances they have to justify for their DEA numbers.  But, as I can’t walk well, I dread having to go in places now.  

glad your getting your teeth fixed.  One of mine totally broke off, just....gone.  Would take an implant to fix.  Lots of money for that.  I’m letting it go for now but if I have to get a bridge for my lower front teeth I’ll have to have it for an anchor.  

Yup, the breaks in the monotony aren’t what I like either. Miss the days it was fun stuff or at least not problems.  Or if they were, had my Steve to help. 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Wow, Gwen.  I read your day and it makes me feel grateful for what I have...but so sorry for your current existence.  I only hope and pray that the surgery would eventually bring improvements in your life, added abilities, even though the interim would be harder for a long while. 

Was supposed to see the dentist next month but now have to wait until September.  None of us knows where this will all end.  Will we escape it?

This is assuming I have the surgery.  I know I’ll never get better without it, but honestly?  I’d rather just not exist anymore looking at the process and winding up right back here with no life.  I know it keeps gettIng to me how dates keep being moved out.  They say this may be worse than the Great Depression.   I believe that is a big possibility.  So many businesses are going to fail with no way back.  The little ones that made places feel homey.  Will even the big chains make it?  Grocery stores will, but what about the neighborhood places?  

Youd think they’d come up with a better name for depressions.  Great is not what comes to mind considering it lasted a decade.  I don’t know how people did it, but I guess we are going to find out for this century.  I know my mom lived thru it and she felt it truly changed her and why she always kept extensive back up on food.  Just like her daughter now. It was how it was done in our house.  Never, ever thought it would be needed.  Just a quirk from my mother.  

[Gwenivere]

[Gwenivere]

Never thought it could happen, but I watched A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood with Hanks and didn’t like it.  There has never been a movie he did I didn’t love with his talent.  I was expecting a loose biography of Mr Rogers life but it was about someone he met and changed their life.  That was OK, but I expected so much more about an icon of kids. 

I’d sure like to hear how you all are passing the days.  I get so restless and frustrated.  I know you get out for walks, Kay.  Anyone else so physically limited that this trying to get thru the day is an ultimate challenge?  I’ve gotten so lazy about my appearance as it doesn’t matter all alone. So want to do things but just am at a loss.  All the things I do daily like lunch just seem so tedious these days.  I guess it’s because there’s nothing to do anymore.  Just pain and staring out he window wishing Steve was here.  I’d love to play a tile game we used to.  I don’t see it ever being used again.  Watch Ally wander restlessly as she can’t get comfortable either with her pain and aging. 

My counselor said today (about all the stuff they check before surgery, like they want me to do) it’s to make sure you don’t code while under anesthesia.  I thought, wow, what a great way out.  You’re already in nothingness.  I always hated being woke up, falling back into that dark solace.  Sorry for the dark thought, it’s been another long day.  

[KarenK]

Wish I had something exciting to tell you, Gwen. I only watch tv, make jewelry, fix meals, and keep the house straightened best I can. The sad thing is that this is my life for the foreseeable future, virus or not. I went from living(which I didn't have much interest in) to existing when I trashed all my money. I look back and understand why I did it at the time. It was my escape from reality, but it went full circle and has now crushed me. Now that there's a light at the end of my own personal tunnel, I can't take advantage of it. My only "splurge" is the beads I order for jewelry which are inexpensive and will most likely end up in Goodwill when I'm gone, but it gives me something to do. I'm no longer strong enough, nor can breathe well enough to walk Marley. She weighs almost 90 lbs. and outruns me. So that's out. I do have a big back yard for the dogs to get exercise.

Going to the doctor will be the first time I've left my house since long before this virus started. From what Robert describes, I almost feel like I'm heading for another planet. In a way, I'm glad Ron is not here to experience this isolation(he never did well confined to the house) and had he caught the virus, it would have surely killed him. My daughter might have fared better living isolated in the country. Guess it's all moot now.

Keep your chin up, girl.

[kayc]

I counted $ at the church yesterday.  We got a whopping $350.00, don't know how much longer we can go on like this.  Came home and walked dogs, made a big pot of turkey/veg. soup, also some cauliflower rice for the freezer.  Will probably get groceries Friday, it's pouring rain today and with the thick layer of pollen on the roads, they will be slick.

I know, boring life...

[Margm]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I thought, wow, what a great way out.  You’re already in nothingness.

I've always felt that way, even when I was afraid.  It was a welcome nothingness.  Strange to read that back.