My Sanity Needed Vents

[Widow2015]

Karen:  Your Mom was amazing.  Can't imagine going to work at age 85 with or without computers involved.  I'm 81 and not enough ambition to even think about the routine of an office.  You come from good stock.   😁Dee

[kayc]

I don't believe they have proofreaders with the newspaper anymore...I see typos all the time, even in the title...I write in and lo and behold someone corrects it!  (e-edition)

Looks you are still needed!

Gwen, I don't know how you do it, putting up with her outbursts, she doesn't seem to learn how to handle things, or giving the benefit of the doubt until she clarifies.  Sorry you have to endure this. 

[Gwenivere]

Back again.  Yesterday was really Sunday and we got the church meal.  Pizza and salad.  

[KarenK]

Thank you, Dee. She was forced to become self sufficient at a young age. Her mother died in the flu epidemic when she was 7. She and her older sister(age 9) raised their 2 yr. old sister. Evidently my grandfather had little to do with his 9? children except to create them. He was a preacher with little income, 20 years older than my grandmother. One of his grown sons helped out the little girls with food and clothing when he could. He was a court reporter and got my mother her first office job at age 16. She worked her entire life from that point forward. She ran rings around me until a stroke at age 90.

[Gwenivere]

  Back again after another Sunday.  The Seahawks played so the game was on most of the afternoon.  I’ll never understand that game.  It’s still exciting to watch when your team is playing.  Church meal was pizza and salad and I ate way too much.  
 

Had to start yesterday with another‘discussion' with Dee.  She kept me up too late Saturday night and I couldn’t relax well to sleep.  She drank a bit so broke the rules again.  All I’m doing better at is fending off the usual repeated angers she bundles in.  Saying I won’t do arguments we’ve already done again.  Our styles of discussion are so far different.  She’s hot and loud, I’m calm and stay on point.  I may bring in something from the past if it has direct connection.  Not to make the other person defensive and feel extra pain.
 

Talk to the surgeon again this week.  Don’t really know why. I was supposed to think about the next surgery, which I have, and no closer on another gamble.  I’m more focused on how one lives in perpetual pain.  
 

I think Dee is going today to get another parakeet.  That gets me thinking about Melody and down.   Nina suggested my  calling to see how she’s doing, but I fear the pain.  Nothing  Is even close to what I thought it would be when I came home.  As much as I grumble about Dee, and I know everyone thinks I’m nuts staying with her including myself, she’s a reason to get up.  Otherwise it’s laying in bed wondering what’s the point?  

Time to start thinking of something to fall asleep thinking about hat still feel good about.  Not an easy task.

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, exactly what about Dee gives you a reason to get up? As far as I can tell, she is nothing but a source of conflict and pain. This is just my opinion of course, but she just sounds like a spoiled child who wants her way and exhibits anger and confrontation to get it. I doubt that she understands what "discuss" means. Many people come from a tough background as you say she does and they don't take it out on current friends. I wish she would get some help for both your sakes. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is what I see. I definitely don't have your patience.

[kayc]

I don't either, Karen.  I lived with my mom growing up and made it through two difficult (to put it mildly) husbands, that's enough conflict for me for one life!  George and I never had that, we truly got along and understood each other and cared about one another.  I live alone, not so much by choice but for lack of finding someone right, and honestly, I prefer alone to strife.  I realize Gwen needs someone there, but I wonder if Dee is that person or perhaps just not knowing someone else...

Went to church, missed practice and part of Sunday School because it was snowing and I wanted to see what would happen before deciding to chance driving...got home late as there was potluck and a ton of cleanup in the kitchen, in there over two hours!  Wanted to stop at Sugarplum Festival (annual) but didn't because I didn't want to make Kodie wait in the house any longer, besides, if I didn't stop, I wouldn't spend.  And I'm at the age I don't need anything.

[KarenK]

It rained here the entire weekend just in time for the huge Tempe Arts Festival. Feel bad for the vendors. We used to go to all those things. I have no reason or money to go anymore.

I lived with conflict more years than I care to count. My Christmas wish each year was simply for peace and quiet. Unfortunately it was fulfilled in the harshest way. I hate to see Gwen backed into a corner going through this.

[Gwenivere]

I truly wish I knew someone else to stay with me.  I know one other person, but she is often gone 24 ours with work and sleeps when she can.  Wouldn’t be able to help with meals and fill my med boxes.  Nor time for my shopping.  I don’t see how it could work.  In regard to getting up, I need a reason to get out of that bed beside needing medication and crying.
 

I went thru a stack of papers that just kept growing and a nightmare to go through for phone numbers, names and notes I don’t even remember what was talked about after weeks or months.  Probably very unwise, but I put %99 in the recycle.  I ned a clean slate.  It go annoying trying to find something and no way to organize it.  I have 2 places to ca ll today.  Then I have no paperwork.  I may dig some out.  Yup, exactly what I did, but really cutting it down.  It made me feel I had even less of an identity.  Make busy work for myself.  
 

Just heard Kirsty Alley died from cancer.  So very sad.  I so hate that monster.  Stole my beloved.  So many in my family and so many others.  So many terrible things that happen to people of all ages. Especially children who get robbed of s o much time.

💕 to all.

[kayc]

OMG, I had no idea about Kristie Alley!  I am so sorry, that's horrible for her family, but glad she's out of it now.  It's the worst thing to suffer with it.

When Peggy was alive the county gave me a list of caregivers, trouble is they were all in the valley, none in Oakridge.  We knew it wouldn't work with someone commuting so far.  But there has to be a list for Seattle.  Might ask one of the nurses.  I would think a live-in situation would work best, with meals, etc.  You need someone like my daughter. 

 

[Margm]

There are a lot of places that provide "in-home" caregivers.  I think they would be pricey.  I wonder if you called a woman's shelter, someone who would provide care for a place to live and sleep.  It is not me, but it could be me or any one of us at any time.  Just enter in "caregivers" and your area.  People with experience.  Unless you've got to thinking of this woman as a part of your family, then it would be hard personally to fire her.  Your senior center might could help too.  But, don't do anything you don't want to do.  Your Dee sounds like trouble, but it might be just the trouble you need to keep your mind off the pain so much.  An aggravation, for sure, but one you've gotten used to.  It breaks up a boring day, but you need to depend on this person.  I'm sorry Gwen, none of us want to depend on others, but if we live long enough, we probably will.  It seems the doctors in your area are the same as we have also, every one does now.  We need them, they don't need us.

A friend (this past week) started throwing up for two days, stubborn, would not go to ER.  Finally some terrible pain in her belly made her go to the ER where they told her the wait would be hours.  They took her to the VA ER and they sent her by ambulance directly to Baylor in Dallas.  She had a torsion of her intestines and would have been dead in a few hours wait in ER.  They did a double digit hours operation,  have her in an induced coma now until they can go back in and finish.  She will not be able to eat solid foods for a bunch of months,, but she lived.  She is only in her 50's. But the big hospital ER could not see her until she  was dead.  I remember an old fellow sitting up in one of the old fashioned wheelchairs  (a high back wooden chair) at LSU ER.  He was waiting.  He was already gone though and looked peaceful and relaxed.  But, he was not seen by doc's until it was too late.  An elderly, stoic black fellow in blue jean overalls. I will never forget him.  Nurses and doctors are on overload after/still with COVID.  Many have left the profession. Politics have filtered in their poison.  (My, what a comforting post).  I think there is someone out there that needs you as much as you need them, and I don't mean that romantically, I mean that as two people that can benefit from the other's need.     

[Gwenivere]

The way this trouble with Dee will be worth it is if she stops the alcohol slips.  She gave me her stimulus card she uses to buy it.   If she needs it for something else, she knows where it is.  In case something happens to me.  It’s a start.  
 

Very edgy day.  Much that tomorrow is going to be a repeat day.  The other is the surgeon call.  Dee brought a new parakeet home.  It’s been moving around more than they usually do.  She’s more fascinated with them than me.  Next comes finding a name.  Wish this felt like fun.  
 

Sleeping was very difficult Monday night.  I knew I’d have to have the discussion yesterday morning with Dee.  Making her admit to what she did.  Make a bad start to both our days.  RX med refills due and it’s all the withdrawal ones.  So tired of feeling uncomfortable all the time.  
 

I do.hate that we wind up depending on others a s we get older.  It was much more fun when we were too short to reach the kitchen counter or other places mom kept the goodies.  

[kayc]

Gwen, that's a start!  (stimulus card)  Drinking can be a real problem, alters their brain, that was the end of my daughter and her husband, last 5 1/2 years were hell, couple years before not a lot better...but after she miscarried he left her (he'd started at a different job and they gave employees free drinks after work...that started him running with the wrong crowd, excluding her, he literally changed overnight!  The drink altered his brain.  Poor Melissa has been through hell!

Life is hard sometimes, that's for sure!  

I went to the valley to get the suspected skin cancer removed, well he did but he said if it's positive I'll have to come back and get a more aggressive swath off...I didn't want to have to come back, don't know how I'll make it in, snow coming tonight on.  You can tell them what life is like up here but unless they live it they don't get it...or care.  They said to keep it dry, not sure how I'm going to shower...it's on my wrist.

[KarenK]

Kay, try taping saran wrap around your wrist. Hope all is well and you don't have to go back.

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I ca easily see how alcohol can ruin a relationship.  It was an issue with Steve as well.  So much off my family growing up.  I liked it a lot myself, wish I could have one now.  Miss my nightly nightcaps.   
 

Had an actual',good' night’s sleep.  No dreams I remember.  Just pure peace.  It felt        SO good.  Very hard to leave that for this.  I SO want to go back there.  I’ve only been awake at this point 2 and a half hours.  Long long way to go to 4am.  Since I switched sides about 9am, the volume on  the alarm was blasting.  The peace was shattered.

Been aware of the new bird.  Named it LuLu heard on name of a contestant on Wheel Of Fortune.  She’s still not doing much and Vern is very curious about her.  Just waiting to see her eat.  
 

Talked to the surgeon again.  He’s seeing me up with the mental counseling.  I better s end him a message as I really need this.  Today I speak to my counselor.  
 

Jusr found out a. woman Dee and I know know. who’s obsessed with her has claimed II've been contacting her behind Dee’s back.  I’ve washed my hands of her over a year ago.  She’s trying to cause friction and succeed last night.  We have enough stuff that I’ve written about.  She lied about me to Dee.  My stomach is in knots as I don’t understand people that do such things.  
 

Have to find out about a shower day.  I’d prefer next Tuesday, but that sandwiches it be ween 2 packed telemedicine days.  I'm so tired and sick of it all.  Off to hopes of nothing again.  

 

[kayc]

Karen, I held my wrist/hand up higher than the shower head, it worked, shampooed and conditioned my hair one handed, even shaved under my arms, skipped the legs.  Someone finally called me back hours later.  Weird you can't talk to someone before 5, medical "care" has sure changed!

Gwen, it seems there's nothing but drama there, just what you don't need!   I slept good last night too, it was great.

[Margm]

I'm a Leo.  A long time ago I saw this quotation.  Maybe getting very elderly has its good things.  I can't load the picture, but I'm sure you have seen it.  "Lions do not worry themselves with the opinion of sheep."  My daughter manages to run off a few sheep often, and somehow or other, people (except my family of lions), their opinions do not bother me.  I discovered something I had forgotten about when Billy left.  Friends have a lifelong habit of gossiping.  I only knew family, I did not know many people outside of family, except in passing.  We could not have worked together if we gossiped about another worker.  But then I met with a group of women who were going to have meetings ever so often.  We did for a while and then gave up on it. We have a whole world to worry about, and not much we can do. 

And on rereading this, I want to make it clear, we do not really know each other, but you all have to be considered family.  Too many years have passed, and we could meet each other on the street and not recognize each other, but we suffer the same, we definitely are a family.  I reread a post made a few years ago by someone not with us anymore, and it hurt all over again. I've lost my friends I shared everything with.  A part of my family is gone. We never have too many.  And, I am back pedaling.  

I think I wrote about an acquaintance that was fighting cancer, for years.  I have never seen such a warrior.  MD Anderson did everything they had in their arsenal.  Failed bone marrow transplant, stem cell transplant, so many therapies over so many years.  Always in a miracle mood..  She was my daughter's age.  So much pain and traveling back and forth to Houston.  She was in an induced coma these last weeks.  I know her mother, I knew her father.  She has two young children and a husband.  They will take her off life support in the next couple of days.  She suffered so greatly, for so long.  She was always in an "I'm going to beat this" mood, I hate to see her give up, and do not think she did, it was just time to quit fighting.  She is in a coma, or she would still fight.  My heart breaks for her family, but know they are tired of seeing her in pain.  

[KarenK]

Oh Marg, this is so sad. My daughter was the same way. She fought and fought until her ravaged body said "No more". I will never forget one of her last lucid moments when she said " I just love life". Life did not love her in return.

Peace to you and your friend's family.

[Margm]

There is a commercial advertising immunotherapy (I think) and Jeff Bridges walks us through it.  He has faded jeans and shirt on, his grey hair is long, so is his beard, and he either is still fighting cancer, or recently was, along with COVID.  He has his guitar walking in the woods, the mountains, in the sun and leans back and says something like "I love life" and I so hope he has whipped his cancer.  I had so much radiation they would not do chest x-rays when I worked part-time after my full time job.  I was not doing it for the money, It was a hobby more than anything.  I just got paid for it.  I loved learning the new programs at the different places and when a clinic or hospital needed help, they always came to us.  You are told you are cured, but it is hard to believe.  My aunt said the same.  My friend who walked/worked with me most of those years told me it was a surprise, after beating cancer, 32 years later it came back to literally bite me in the behind.  I feel so much for your daughter and know that you, like me, would rather have it than our child. I'm so sorry.  

[Gwenivere]

Steve gave it a good fight too.  Came a time to call it quits and enjoy (?) what he could.  P lay music, dink his vodka, laugh with his buddies.  He still wound up eventually in confusion the last few weeks and  couldn’t be talked to.  I don’t know how or f they administered meds.  If they didn’t it explains his being so out of it as they couldn’t be stopped cold turkey.  I suspect that is what happened and am still angry about that. 
 

I just realized I have another telemed appointment next Tuesday.  That makes 4 days with 5 of them.  Try to fit in walking.  No real lunch the whole week as Friday will probably be a shower.  This is nuts!  
 

Have to make the most of these late night time.   Try for sleep.  We watched Bad Santa and got a lot of laughs.  My kind of Christians movie.  Now on to time travel in Looper.  
 

Been entertained by the birds as they settle roles in their relationship.  
 

Counsellor says I need to call about Melody.  That is going to be so very hard.  😰
 

 

 

[kayc]

Marg, so sorry about your friend.  So many suffering.  And my little sister is pulling through after two months, still can't do everything but greatly improved, going to HI the end of the month.

Have to suspect that Steve was medicated, Gwen.  My daughter's BF (with extreme concussion, had to learn to walk, talk, all over again) was on Valium, hence couldn't think, was glad when he got off of it and his brain began to clear.

Glad you enjoyed your movie...I fell asleep at 7:20 last night, couldn't fight it off any longer.

I never thought about your counselor suggesting inquiring about Melody, hard.

 

[Gwenivere]

It’s very hard thinking about checking on Melody.  I try not to think of her at all.  It’s so conflicting.  To want to run from something you love so much.  These long, lonely afternoons would be better if she were here.  She wouldn’t feel bored.  If it had only been a.couple months she was gone while I recovered some it would. Have been OK.  Bu5 not over 15.  

 

I'm stuck on the phone with my endocrinologist's office to verify I  can do the video appointment Monday.  I have 2 other calls to make before everything closes for the weekend.  It’s insane being on hold almost an hour.  Might have to take my chances Monday.  This is crazy.  The clinic closes in 15 minutes and I’ve been on hod for almost 2 hours using my flip phone o make other calls.  Hardly had anything to eat. My shower aide may be moving far away in  a couple months so will start paying her monthly to come by for her time here and travel.  It’s only fair as she’s so good and caring. Right now she’s only a couple blocks away.   
 

Had a horrible nights sleep Friday morning.  Woke up way too early, like 2 hours and again in 4 hours.  Totally out of it b6 alarm time.  Dee was all over the map when she got home.  So little to do with me, thank gawd.  She read me some of her journal.  She’s an excellent and eloquent writer and poet.  Blew my mind.  

 I don’t know about anyone else, but the holidays coming are intensifying the.grief.  Or. Vice versa.  I keep envisioning when our life was full of so many traditions.  Knowing nothing will be happening here.  I miss. everything.  D own to our Chinese dinners on the eve and night.  The angel chimes at midnight.  Breaking out the crystal wine glasses.  Steve  having to open one gift before bed.  The tears that replace hose now every year.
 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

Burned my hand yesterday afternoon, entire palm and a finger.  Hurts like the dickens.

Can't update my laptop, type in security code and it says it's connected but won't connect to internet.  ???  Oh well, only use it for travel anyway, but aggravating!  Never had this with my old one.  Hate it.

Have skin cancer, can't get in this week, want me in the 20th, God only knows if it will be snowing.

How far away will your shower aide be, Gwen?

That's a long time to be without Melody.  Is your concern that it will upset her?

[V. R.]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

don’t know about anyone else, but the holidays coming are intensifying the.grief

Yes, Gwen, this festive season is proving extremely hard to get through, that's probably why I've been on standby mode recently, not really saying much on the site. Not having many positive thoughts in my mind, I don't wish to sadden everyone even more than they already are. Missing those rituals we all used to  share with our soulmates is so hurtful, I haven't put the tree up ever since I lost my beloved, no special dishes being cooked, nothing. can't wait till it's all over. Gwen, I do hope you're able to get some efficient home-care once and for all, you sound like you're going through such a hard time, my heart goes out to you. 

 

18 hours ago, kayc said:

Burned my hand yesterday afternoon, entire palm and a finger.  Hurts like the dickens.

Can't update my laptop, type in security code and it says it's connected but won't connect to internet.  ???  Oh well, only use it for travel anyway, but aggravating!  Never had this with my old one.  Hate it.

Have skin cancer, can't get in this week, want me in the 20th, God only knows if it will be snowing.

How far away will your shower aide be, Gwen?

That's a long time to be without Melody.  Is your concern that it will upset her?

I'm so sorry about your hand Kay, can imagine the pain you are going through, you say you have skin cancer too? I'm sure the right therapy will work efficiently and everything will be back to normal. 

Hugs to you all. 

[Gwenivere]

My bath aide could be from 15 to 30 miles away.  Definitely not in walking distance like now.  Bringing Melody home would absolutely upend her life now. I wouldn’t want to do that unless I was positive she could stay permanently here an that I don’t know.  It just tears me up.  
 

Yesterday was a nothing day. Lots of thoughts of not wanting to be here as usual.  Knowing they will never stop.  
 

2 hours ago, V. R. said:

Not having many positive thoughts in my mind, I don't wish to sadden everyone even more than they already are. Missing those rituals we all used to  share with our soulmates is so hurtful, I

Ive noticed a lot more silence 5he closer th e holidays get .  It’ feels like a. survival dome over this place.  I have to get it out.  I hope it doesn’t make it worse for others.  
 

I hope we all get through without more pain than we always carry.  I’ve already found more time means more pain.  The reminders are so plentiful.  I know we always carry it always, but I wish I could go somewhere with no relevance.  Or at least the option to move this body anywhere.